Friday, May 25, 2007

Australia's Next Top Model Wrap Up: Episode Nine, now with 20% extra flashback

If you're anything like me then you've probbly found this last week really super-dooper hard to get through. It's been SOY stressful, and I've been SOY upset ever since our darling Paloma was cruelly evicted last week - or if you knew her as Jod-hello knew her, 'Palomes' (Because that's much easier and cooler to say than 'Paloma'). Everyone knows that those other fat size 16 derro bitches should have gone before her, EVERYONE, even the ANTM cameramen who always told her she was the best.

Still, just like Paloma's former Cher-esque tresses, that chance has gone.

Her hair was her trademark...

Now we are left with the illustrious final four: The Dolly model, the FHM model, the bad dietary role model and the model of bad behaviour. Unfortunately, the model of a modern major general is nowhere to be seen.

And as we say goodbye to chere Palomes, let's take a quick look back at some of the models whose careers' corpses have paved the way for her, and reflect on why it is they didn't make it to the final four themselves. I'd suggest that won't take much brainpower.

Apparently she's a size 16.

I really appreciate the fact that the ANTM photographers don't use Photoshop on their photos. I really do. It's nice to know that they're not enforcing images of unachievable perfection on their young female audience. And it's even nicer to know that someone whose face has obviously at some point been attacked by a shark can still be called a model. Go Cassandra.

An Olsen twin pre-rehab, or...?

No, it's Cobi. And I wish she'd stop looking at me like that...

She tried to show her tits in this pic too but they cropped them out. Shame.

I've got one word to say to you, Sophie - sunscreen. And here's another couple - Lindsay Lohan. And one more - shudder.

The OTHER Steph. You know, the less attractive one.

HELL-O eyebrow!


I just can't understand why Jane didn't win.


Oh Anika. Sure, you're still in the competition - but not on the strength of THIS photo, in which you look like an angry, dehydrated bogan in serious need of some shampoo. Don't worry, it's not as bad as Jordan's:

Game on, moll.

This pic has it all: Shark-face-attackage, undercooked-pancake-boobage and even a bit of underarm-hair-stubblage. It's perfection. No wonder she's in the top four.

Speaking of which, Jordan kicks off this week's episode with a bit of wisdom for departing mole model Paloma:

"Maybe this will teach her what and what not to do, for next time, when she watches herself she'll see where she did wrong and kind of work through that," she says.

Unlike Jordan, of course, who will give herself high fives and cheer all her own bum presses when she sees HERSELF on TV.

"I think our new name is the Four Amigos. Oh no, it's the Three Amigos! But we'll be the Four Amigos!" giggles Anika, while everyone gets down on their hands and knees to search the floor for her missing brain.

The girls rock up to another acting studio where they meet Jod-hello, who barks all the usual crap about this week being SOY important because they're THE FINAL FOUR (let's have a drink every time someone says that, shall we? I may not finish this wrap up without passing out on my keyboard but that's ok, as long as my nose hits the 'publish' button we'll be sorted). She then announces that whoever makes it to the final three will be going overseas with her for an INTERNATIONAL MODELLING SHOOT. Hands up who thinks it'll be New Zealand? Either that or Tasmania. (Well, she DID say "over seas".)

Come on girls, it's off to Lebanon!

While everyone oohs and aahs about the possibility of getting to travel overseas, Steph reveals how easy she is to please by yelping "Just to go to an airport - I've never been to an airport, that would be SOY cool, like!" Firstly: Steph, honey, buses go to the airport ALL THE TIME. Get on one and go visit, you'll go out of your tiny mind. Secondly: Never end your sentences a preposition with, like.

The girls meet acting coach Paul Goddard, who announces he'll be teaching them about "emotion and mood". My heart longs for Paloma.

He first makes them repeatedly punch their left hand with their right while stomping their feet ("My first thought was 'ow, this really hurts'," giggles Anika, as the search continues for her missing brain), which is somehow supposed to make them develop feelings of anger. Clearly each of the girls is actually imagining punching something else - probably Paloma.

He then asks them to describe an image that makes them feel a certain emotion, and Alice predictably comes up with the most boring image ever - sitting on the couch in front of a heater with tea and biscuits and her dog. There's probably a Tupperware container of cashews in there somewhere too.

Then they all have to pretend to be six years old. Jordan finishes doing her bum press out the studio window and yells "Sorry, what are we doing now?". Anika and Steph pretend fight over a chocolate bar while Alice skips around in a manner not dissimilar to her dancing of last week. Everyone wonders when the "pretending to be six" exercise will actually start. Then they have to "pretend" to be teenagers, which is interesting as, except for Anika, they all ARE teenagers. Real stretch of the imagination there. PRETENDING to be normal, sane adults might have been more of a challenge.

They get back to Model Mansion and Anika, who is clearly still missing her brain, is actually surprised to discover the whole "acting" thing isn't quite over yet, as Pease Porridge looms out of the kitchen and slurs "I'm here to teach you a few things." I think we can all assume it's not going to be cooking related (although PS Foxtel - he'd be GREAT on a cooking show. You could call it 'In the Pot with Pease Porridge'. And yes, I accept cheques.)

Pease comes up with a nifty little exercise in which each girl has to say "I am Australia's next top model", and everyone else gets to shout "NO YOU'RE NOT!" until they feel she's given a convincing enough performance. I'm not sure what the point of it is, but I think Foxtel Digital possibly could have made more of it, inviting viewers to push the red button every time they felt one of the girls gave an unconvincing read. They could stretch the program out to six or seven days if they did that, and it would be extra funny to see the girls at the end of it, exhausted and sleep deprived, gasping "I AM AUSTRALIA'S NEXT TOP MODEL!" before collapsing in a heap at Pease's feet. Once again, I accept cheques.

Then Pease "pretends to be a VIP" at a party and all the girls have to make small talk with him. I'd venture this isn't the first time Pease has pretended to be a VIP. Luckily Anika has already met the pretend Prime Minister in episode seven so she knows what to do (ie: sip a pretend drink, talk about the pretend weather). Although he doesn't make it easy for anyone, taking on the character of Marc Jacobs who he plays as AN UTTER ARSEHOLE WITH PANTS FOR BRAINS. According to Pease, Marc Jacobs is rude to everyone, gets completely confused by someone with more than one career and doesn't know where Australia is. Although there is a nice moment when Steph tells "Mr Jacobs" she's "trying to be a model", Pease later critiquing her by saying "Steph, you can't be TRYING to be a model! I mean, how EASY is it to be a model?'s hard, but you can't say that."

Ah, truth. It's nice, isn't it?

Then the girls are shuffled off somewhere to do some speed-dating with fashion editors and the like: They're each given one minute to make a good impression on these people who can MAKE OR BREAK THEIR CAREERS. Haven't heard THAT one in a while, have we kids? Let's do a few more: "FIERCE", "OWN THE CATWALK", "TELL IT LIKE IT IS", "THE FINAL FOUR" (drink).

Are you drunk yet?

Alice kicks off in super-fine form by telling the editor of the Daily Tele's Sunday Magazine that she LOVES the mag and it's part of her Sunday ritual, which brings smiles and adoration from all until she reveals that her favourite column in that mag is one that actually features in The Age's Good Weekend. Oops. She then covers up in masterful fashion by interviewing her interviewer about her history in journalism, asking such thrilling questions as "So, did you do a cadetship or a degree?" Um, Alice, THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT YOU, YOU MORON. What are you going to do, write an article on the woman?

But she's better than Steph, who like, really, really, like, gets like, really, sort of, like, tongue tied and becomes, like, REALLY REALLY FUCKING ANNOYING. I'm sorry, but I can NOT listen to that girl speak ANY MORE. ANTM producers, I beg of you - PLEASE DON'T GIVE THIS GIRL ANY MORE SCREEN TIME. Or at least turn her mic off from now on. And if she wins, promise that she won't get any TV appearances.

When asked what her style is, Anika grabs a few words and strings them together like this: "Professional...sort of...classy...classy style...and clean....", which a)impresses absolutely no one and b) is a total lie, given that she doesn't actually have any style at all. Meanwhile Jordan extols the virtues of being a "ghetto chick" to the editor of the Sunday Magazine, who is rapidly losing faith in the entire Australian modelling industry and regretting the day she agreed to feature two of these losers in her fashion pages. Jordan goes on to completely blank on her second speed date, saying nothing for an entire minute while the fashion editor of the Sunday Magazine smiles awkwardly at her.

It's fair to say this has been the most excruciating five minutes of the entire series - it's more cringeworthy than David Brent's fundraising dance, and the various "fashion people" that have been burdened with being involved all look even more sour than the editor of Vogue did in episode six when Jordan told her she preferred to read New Weekly. All the girls end up crying, except for Steph who TOYTALLY agrees with the criticism she's given, and Anika, who's still missing her brain and doesn't know what's going on anyway.

Anika and Steph are proclaimed the least moronic, and get to do a fashion shoot for the Sunday Mag while the losers get to work out with sexy Andreas.

So, which bit of me would you like to work out?

Um, sorry, WHO won this challenge again? Clearly not Jordan, who has to spend an entire day listening to Alice's incessant whingeing.

"I just thought 'Can't they just get rid of me now if they're just going to put me through pain?'" she whines. Strangely enough, Jordan thinks exactly the same thing.

Steph is REALLY, REALLY excited about the photo shoot because her make up is REALLY, REALLY cool, like, she's just SOY excited. Oh. My. God. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!

Anika is given an awesome brunette wig with a fringe, and manages to look exactly like early Paloma. Steph is given the same wig in platinum blonde, and manages to look exactly like every man's wet dream. Or possibly, Paris Hilton. Somewhere, Paloma is having an out of body experience doing a photo shoot with her new best friend.


Not sure what look the Sunday Magazine was going for, but if they were hoping to emulate Russian mail order brides, they've cracked it.

Nice girl, pretty girl, want nice husband. Can cook borscht.

Back at Model Mansion, Anika steps in to fill the gaping hole of bitchery that Paloma left when she departed, sitting near an intentionally open door and loudly stating that she works harder than Jordan, Jordan doesn't deserve to win and Jordan sucks. Jordan considers resurrecting her "FUCK that bitch - GAME ON, MOLL!" catchphrase but instead has a chat with Anika in the kitchen about it that, surprisingly, doesn't involve honey or salt. Somehow it all gets resolved. Whatever, who cares. If it doesn't result in a pavlova being made in someone's bed I'm not interested.

Photo shoot challenge time, and the girls are taken to The Dome where they meet Ian Thorpe AGAIN (if he shows up one more time I reckon HE could have a good shot at being Australia's next top model). Anika is even more excited to see him than she normally is to see Andreas, but she's not quite at stalker fan level yet. Not like Alice, who declares "I sort of feel CLOSE to Thorpey now, this is the third time I've met him." Shit, Alice, slow down. By that logic you'll be stripping down to your underwear and reading your secret love diary out to Pease any day now. And let's hope they televise THAT.

Thorpey announces that the girls will be doing an advertisement for his men's underwear range, in which they will be wearing the product whilst "projecting an emotion". Right. Because clearly the best way to sell Y fronts is to feature them falling off of an angry, bony white girl.

Anika gets a one way ticket to Easy Street by being assigned the emotion of "contentment" but still buggers it up by acting stiff and awkward. God knows why - she only has to drape herself over a strange man while wearing men's underwear and looking content, what's her fucking problem? But actually, she still looks hot.

So hot right now.

Could Anika actually WIN this thing? Shit.

In the most gorgeous piece of editing ever, Steph announces "The scenario I was told to imagine in my photo shoot was DEFINITELY something I couldn't relate to," which is immediately followed by the director saying "Ok - your situation is that your boyfriend has just said he's leaving you." Clearly not many boys say no to Steph. Given that she's "never had her heart broken" she tries to look sad for the cameras, but it's all a bit half arsed. She looks more like someone's just broken the Wiggles DVD she got for Christmas.

Jordan has to emote "suspicion" (how this sells underwear I don't know) and as she huddles on the bed, wrapped in a sheet and looking "suspiciously" at the male model behind her, she manages to make the fashion shoot look more like a domestic violence awareness advert.

"Buy Thorpie's undies, for value you can't BEAT!"

But it's generally agreed upon that she's done an awesome job, prompting her to come out with my new favourite ANTM quote: "If they eliminate me, they've got to be fucking kidding."

She could teach a thing or two to Alice, who is given the emotion of "anger". A bit unfair, seeing as she couldn't even manage a mini scream last week, and that was AFTER they'd dressed her as a scuba diver and stuffed her inside a box. What the hell DOES get this girl angry? Alice then rudely steals my next joke and says that an easier emotion for her would be "boredom or sadness". Gold star to Alice for pulling out the funny! She is right back up there at the top of my favourite model list.

Unfortunately she falls to the bottom of the top model list after a distinctly UN angry performance with underwear, a male model and a pillow. She lamely bats him about the head with the pillow a bit, while smiling, in an attempt to look seething with rage.

"It was hard, because I didn't want to hurt the male model," she withers, despite the obvious fact that being hit with a pillow by Alice is akin to being coughed on by a kitten.

Elimination time, hooray! And it seems this week is a fancy dress elimination, as Anika has come as C3P0 from Star Wars.

That dress does not compute.

Meanwhile, Jod-hello has forsaken her K-Fed costume in favour of dressing up as Princess Mary.

"Shut UP! How good is that?"

Or did I mean Proud Mary? Or Black Beauty? I'm confused now, with that bust and those teeth.

Because there aren't NEARLY enough challenges in this show, it's TIME FOR A CHALLENGE in which the models have to act out a scene with (rather cute) young male actor pretending to be their boyfriend. Because that horse isn't QUITE dead yet, they have to act out some EMOTIONS: Alice doesn't do "ecstatic" so well but, surprise, surprise, completely nails "doubtful", while Anika thinks acting "amazed" means saying "Oh my God" over and over again, and Steph doesn't know what "hysterical" means. Jordan solidifies her chances of scoring a soap opera job when she gets out by doing an "Oh moi gourd" scene straight out of Home & Away. She then shows that she has the requisite IQ for such a job by responding to the judges' call for a "bashful" look by saying "Bashful? You mean up yourself?".

Sigh. Onto the photos. Despite doing a shit job on set, as usual Alice pulls out a fantastic photograph. She's even managed to look pissed off as required. Somewhere in the distance we can hear GI Jane yell "That should have been meeeeee!" Steph's photo looks like one of those "Rage without alcohol" ads from the 90s, in which a half-dressed, glum looking girl sits on the edge of a messy bed while a blurry male figure pulls on his pants in the background, underneath which reads something along the lines of WILL YOU REGRET IT TOMORROW?

I don't think I would, but that's another story...

"You look like a woman for the first time," trills Identity Dawson.

Maybe that's because SHE'S HALF NAKED IN BED WITH A MAN CONSIDERABLY OLDER THAN HER, DAWSON. I might be going out on a political limb here, but I'm not sure this shoot was entirely appropriate for a 16 year old.

Anyway, moving on. Jordan looks considerably suspicious, but not very pretty, while Anika turns her "contentness" into stiff unpleasantness. Goodbye Anika.

Judging judging, blah blah, Anika and Jordan hit the bottom two and in a totally unsurprising elimination, Anika is eliminated.

Skeletor, Squinty McSquinterson and Dolly covergirl all wave goodbye to Jugsy McBoobs as she totters off out the door, back to obscurity and her daggy wardrobe.

She's crying - not for the competition, but because she'll never get to work out with Andreas again.


  1. You could caption pictures for Australia.

  2. Antmaholic - Nice Simpson spotting! Speaking of which, did you know John Mayer and J-Simp have broken up? Hooray! The world makes sense again.

    Jo - I'm so glad someone actually notices my captions... :)

  3. Your wrap up was enough for me - I didn't get to watch the show last night. My husband took control of the remote and I was banished to the study. So I read your blog instead - and think I got more out-loud laughs than the show would've provided anyway. But the worst thing is, when I emerged from my BC reading, my husband was asleep on the couch! Not even watching tv! The nerve. Maybe he'd just passed out from THE FINAL FOUR drinking game...

  4. Just watched it on Foxtel...

    I was personally offended by the image of Alice's pelvic bone on display during her "angry" shoot with the male model.


    I laughed my nuts off at Jordan's impression of Alice's constant whingeing. She NAILED the breathless, weak voice perfectly.

    Cool recap, btw.

  5. I did watch it and I did love it!

    I think it's about 10 kinds of wrong that sitting on the edge of a bed wearing a guys business shirt makes steph a "woman", I think you are right in saying it's hugely inappropriate for a 16 year old (I wonder if she was given the one where she didn't have to cuddle up to the male model for that reason?)

    I am so excited for next week now, I can't believe they go the US! They've not done that in the previous season (how ripped off would Ebony and co. be feeling?) I can't wait to see Alice get a backbone! I really think being in the industry would toughen her up.

    The more I watch Jordan, the more certain I am that she doesn't actually have eyes. I've never seen anyone so squinty.

  6. Come on - you can see Alice's backbone quite easily already.
    Even when you're looking at her from the front.

  7. Reading your ANTM wrap ups make me realise that i am not missing anything by not having watched Australian tv in 2 years!
    'Nice girl, pretty girl, want nice husband. Can cook borscht.' I loooooove this, it is so perfect for this photo HAHAHAH

  8. Hey, my mother-in-law cooks borscht and she doesn't look a damned thing like that!

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  10. Is that a hint of nipple visible in Jordan's shot?

  11. makeitwork - That's it - your husband is definitely not allowed to touch the remote for the LIVE FINALE next week! Christ knows how I'm going to blog THAT...

    Jacob - Funny, a lot of people have mentioned Alice's weird hip bones in that photo shoot, but I didn't really notice. I think it's like visting once too often - after a while you just get desensitised.

    delightfuljen - the weird thing about Jordan is, in the next episode an LA model agent tells Jordan she has wonderful eyes. I shit you not. Stay tuned for the ep 10 wrap up later tonight...

    Jo - Ka-ching! Jo brings the funny, as usual! :)

    Sakura - I'm so glad my captioning skills have been getting some glory lately...

    Redcap - Is borscht actually edible?

    Omar Cruz - Thanks dude, I love spam. Perhaps the winning model gets to do a photo shoot at these crap apartments in Costa Rica? That would tie in nicely.

    Bruce - Nice try, but I think she's too covered up for that. Come on - you've got underarm stubble, what more do you want?

  12. Cannot believe Jordan got kicked out! I kinda knew she wasn't going to win but now there no competition for Alice.

    There is a rumour I am starting though that Napolion looks like Ursula from The Little Mermaid, and more to the point that he is the one that chooses the winner!

  13. Hey Michael - stick around another half hour and you can reap my ep 10 recap...

  14. OH MY GOD i cannot wait. That was one of the most hilarious episodes i have ever seen, i nearly peed a little. Hurry uuuuup please.


  15. oooh hold on, it's coming!!!

  16. OK i'm hangin out for this wrap up like Jordan's ass out of a car window. But I have to do an assignment, and unfortunately it is NOT on anything antm-related (although I could easily write 3000 words on why steph is never going to make it in Chile), so i really can't justify the distraction.

    Anyhoo - catch u tomorrow peepsicles.


  17. OY MOY GOURD, but it's already up now, antmaholic!

  18. Some of those girls are really pretty, shame about what is written about them in the media.

    Alex Nova

  19. 16 is legal is this country, which is good, because I'm 17.

  20. Originally hosted by model/presenter Erika Heynatz, and currently hosted by Jodhi Meares, the show is based on the American version which was created and co-produced by supermodel Tyra Banks. The Australian version has been produced by Granada Productions, who have been behind other Australian television shows including the top rating Dancing with the Stars. march madness Over nine weeks on air, the first series of Australia's Next Top Model charted the transformation of ten hopefuls chosen from a nationwide search in August 2004. The brief was to find raw talent to be transformed from good looking girls-next-door into potential top models and follow them as they navigated their way through weekly modelling assignments and tasks.