We're at the business end of the series now, me hearties, with only three models left: Squinty, Skeletor and Stupid. The names are possibly interchangeable.
Episode ten brings another chance for an ANTM model to bite the dust, and therefore another chance for an ANTM drinking game. This week's game is dedicated to the beautiful but quite possibly braindead Steph H, who pulls out more stupid quotes in this episode than any of the models put together over the past nine weeks. And that INCLUDES Paloma's monologues.
The rules are simple - whenever Steph says something mind-numbingly stupid, have a drink. You'll be driving the porcelain bus in no time.
Little Steph - she's our SPECIAL contestant.
Cue emotional guitar music, cue black and white clip of last week's loser that no one can remember anymore getting kicked off, and we're off and running!
It's clear that Squinty and Stupid have formed a bit of a bond lately, and are enjoying excluding Skeletor from their fun and games. Apparently this is because Skelly likes a bit of a whinge now and again. Or, possibly, ALL THE FREAKIN TIME, ABOUT EVERYTHING. Not that she really cares what they think.
"I LOVE going overseas, and going to new places," Alice smiles, while Steph fumes silently inside about the fact that not ONLY has Alice been to an airport before, she's CAUGHT A PLANE from one and THEN been to other ones OVERSEAS. Bitch.
It seems Jordan and Steph are pissed off that Alice's height, perfect bone structure and natural beauty are enough to get her through the judging every week. Clearly the only way to earn some J&S cred is to be short, fat, ugly and trying really hard.
"No matter what Alice does, no matter how much hard she doesn't fucking try, she still fucking stays in this competition, and I'm fucking over it," explodes Jordan
"She doesn't even want to do modelling after this, she wants to go back to uni. Like, pfft. Who wants to go to uni?"
Uni? WHATEVER. I don't even know how to SPELL it.
I can see now why she's with Stupid.
Jod-hello rocks around to the Model Mansion and there's a nice concocted display of fake affection between the four of them as they all pretend to be friends and continue to go along with the badly wrought illusion that Jodhi is like their big sister, instead of a barking, slightly mean TV host who's always got her tits out.
"The judges are finding it impossible to separate you," she says, completely ignoring the fact that I've already separated them on numerous occasions. Look Jodes, it's simple: Squinty, Stupid and Skeletor. Got it? Come on, it's easy, there aren't even two models with the same name anymore! Ok try this - only ONE of the models will actually make it as a model. Does that make it easier?
"You'll have to excel at everything you do to be in the final two," she says, secretly hoping that one of them WON'T, so they'll know who to boot out in an hour's time.
Jod-hello announces that as of this week, model school is officially closed - so no more stupid "lessons" about "movement" or "etiqutte" or "how to stand in front of a camera and not look fat". Of course this also means no more Andreas sessions too. Somewhere, Anika sheds a single tear.
This week the models will just be doing challenges, real MODELLING challenges in the fast paced high fashion capital of the world - LOS ANGELES! Erm, sorry, where? LA? Fashion capital? Since fucking WHEN?
Although let us not forget that Los Angeles HAS given the world of fashion such stunning examples as this:
"I can't believe I'm going to go to Hollywood, this is like, my dream place in the world," gushes Jordan.
"I had NOY idea Hollywood was in LA!!" squeals Steph.
"I was SOY excited, I was like, we're going to see the Hollywood sign, Sunset Boulevard... It's going to be like Pretty Woman but without the hookers and all that, obviously."
If you're playing the drinking game and haven't already polished off the entire liquor cabinet from that first Stupid Steph comment, you might still want to go to the bottle-o for reinforcements. You're going to need it. Come to think of it, Steph might need it too when she gets to LA and realises it's actually like Pretty Woman WITH the hookers. And that soon she'll be standing in the front window of a shop dressed like one. But more on that later...
Pease Porridge rocks up for another fake display of affection before the girls leave, and screams "The final three! You guys must be STOKED!"
Silence. A tumbleweed rolls past. The girls look like they'd be more excited if he offered them tickets to an Anthony Mundine boxing match.
Then in the most blatant and embarrassing bit of product placement ever, Pease hands them all a gift bag and a can of Impulse, and they run around spraying it at each other like some 'slumber party' scene out of an Olsen twins film.
"It's your favourite new Impulse City spray!" squeals Pease.
"Ohhh, 'Paris'?" says Jordan.
Clearly NOT their favourite then. And just quietly - who the hell wants to smell like London?
Mm, the sweet smell of the Thames...
"Then it was time to go, so Jonothan helped us put the bags into the Fiesta," says Alice.
Ohhh I get it! We're brand name dropping, right? Ok: so they put their Impulse and Fashion Assassin giftbags into the Ford Fiesta, and they toddle off to the airport where they catch an unnamed airline to Los Angeles, because clearly they didn't get a deal on the flights.
They arrive in LA and there's lots of shots of palm trees and random things that say "Hollywood" in an attempt to impress us.
"We're in America!" says Jordan, perhaps as an audition attempt for her forthcoming appearance on the new Fox 8 show, Stating the Bloody Obvious.
"I know," giggles Steph. This counts as something stupid. Drink.
"OH MY GOD 99 cents for a junior cheeseburger!" shouts Jordan, gawking out of the car window at a Maccers like the cultured lass she is.
"Where? OY MOY GOURD!" screams Steph. Alice sits bewildered in the back seat, eating an apple.
"99 CENTS!" repeats Jordan. Clearly this is the most exciting thing America has to offer so far. Fuck the Hollywood sign, 99 cent burgers? That's INSANE!
But all this fun and excitement is interrupted by a Jodhi mail, which instructs them to go to 66621 Hollywood Boulevard for their first challenge. Not being able to count more than her fingers, Steph struggles to read out '66621' (drink), and then has comprehension problems with the relatively simple TS Eliot quote Jod-hello has chosen to decorate the mail with this week (drink again).
"'Prepare a face to meet...the faces that you meet'," she says, scratching her forehead.
"We're going to be, like, meeting new people."
The girls stroll down Hollywood Boulevard (got that? They're in Hollywood. Just so you know) and check out the stars on the footpath - as opposed to the stars in the gutter, like David Hasselhoff.
He likes those 99 cent burgers too.
"I don't recognise any of these stars - where's Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen and like, all them?" whinges Steph.
Drink. In fact drink two, as a tribute to the Olsen twins.
It's a pity that the girls don't get a chance to see Mel Gibson's newly refurbished star, as I did when I went to LA last year.
Not so bright anymore, sugar tits.
Eventually they show up at 66621 which - SURPRISE! - is another advert, this time for Napoleon. Again. Drink. (Why not?)
Standing next to a pissed off punk with pink hair, he's once again doing a very good impression of my nightmares.
Before you die you see Napoleon.
He tells the girls they're required to be live mannequins (or "manne-kwins" if you're Napoleon, or slightly retarded) in his window for the day, "because in the United States the biggest industry is actually retail". Right, so obviously if they'd been sent to the giant car manufacturing nation of Japan they would have been required to weld bits of metal together. I guess if they'd gone to Thailand, the world's largest producer of natural rubber, they would have been made to work in the fields, tapping rubber trees and keeping the factories running smoothly. Lucky, then, that they made it to a retail nation like the US.
Pink lady, who is some sort of celebrity stylist, reminds them for the 15 millionth time that they're in LA ("OY MOY GOURD! I TOTALLY didn't know I was in LA!" screams Steph) and gives the usual "I'm from LA and therefore I'm cooler than you" crap about how it's "tough" out there etc. etc. Whatever. I'm just waiting for Steph to say something else stupid so I can finish my beer.
Pink lady dresses them all up in some horrific outfits and proves conclusively that people are way too skinny in LA by managing to find a skirt that is too small for Steph to fit into. Then Napoleon, brandishing a eyeshadow brush and some eyelash glue, launches himself onto their faces (don't think too hard about that) while simultaneously trying to get the girls to bitch about each other.
Snaps to Napoleon! I love this guy!
Squinty is the first one to put the boot in, and creates a new game called "Invisible Alice" that proves so popular it's revisited several times this episode.
"I love Alice to death but her whingeing kills my life," she says, while Alice sits a metre away listening to everything.
Jordan doesn't seem to care that she's flouting the traditional rules of gossiping by doing it while the subject is still IN the room, and blithely prattles on to Napoleon about how Alice gives her the shits. When Alice retaliates Jordan takes a leaf straight out of the Paloma book of Crazy and turns it round on her with the classic "Why are you being a defensive bitch? I'm just being honest with you."
Ah Grasshopper, she has taught you well.
All of this bitchery is doubly extra awesome given the fact that both Jordan and Alice are sporting inch long glitter eyelashes, disco trash clothing and mental 1980s hairdos - it's like two drag queens arguing over which one of them is going to sing I Love the Nightlife first.
You KNOW how much I love that song, you scrag.
Sorry, do we need a close up of that?
Next time you see Jordan will be in the background of a Gwen Stefani clip.
It ends even more fabulously with Jordan accusing Alice of whingeing about everything - even when she gets sunburnt (clearly in Jordan's world you're supposed to be happy about skin cancer).
"Last time I was in the sun I got so sunburnt that my entire back, like.... *sob* IT ALL PEELED OFF *sob sob* AND THAT'S WHY I HAVE TO BE CAREFUL," Alice cries.
There's a small silence as she considers the injustice of it all, and then: "IT'S STILL PEELING."
It's a brilliant moment. Everyone say a prayer for Alice's back.
So anyway, they all stand around in Napoleon's window striking poses and doing a generally shit job - especially Alice, who forgets she's not actually famous and smiles and waves at passers by like she's on a float in the Christmas Pageant.
Steph marvels at arriving in LA and "being put straight to work on Hollywood Boulevard" - see, it IS like Pretty Woman! (Drink.) Alice obviously agrees, as she once again shows off how much she's TRAVELLED by saying the exercise reminds her of the red light district in Amsterdam. Except they're doing it for free.
The sex worker spirit continues once the girls are taken back to their hotel room on Sunset Boulevard which, quite frankly, looks just like the sort of place three working girls might spend the night - so quite fitting, really.
Apparently it's called 'The Jane Suite'. 'The John' might be more appropriate.
The next morning Jod-hello and her tits rock up (what the? I thought they were supposed to be "on their own"?)(the girls, not Jodhi's tits)(although...) and she announces they're all going to meet some LA modelling agents who could MAKE OR BREAK THEIR CAREER and they need to TURN IT ON and BE FIERCE etc. etc.
"Your driver is waiting outside so you'd better go now - there's NOTHING Americans hate more than people being late," she says.
Erm, how about planes flying into buildings? I hear Americans don't like that much either, Jodhi. I kid - thank GOD the girls have got such a cultural insider on their team. How else could one predict that turning up late to an appointment would make an American mad?
The LA modelling scene is clearly some type of bizarro fashion world where it's good to be short and bad to be tall. Alice is roundly criticised as too tall and too edgy looking, and told she should piss off to New York or Paris. Alice struggles to be upset. Everyone falls in love with Steph's face, but her MASSIVELY OVERSIZED hips are another matter - one agent tells her she needs to "tone up in the hip area".
I think that means this.
Squinty McShortarse is the darling of the day, with one obviously vision-impaired agent telling her she has great eyes.
Next morning at the hooker hotel the trio gets a Jodhi mail telling them they have to traipse around LA going to different shops. Sounds like an ad? It is. Sounds interesting? It isn't. Although it does reveal that former Bride of Christ Kym Wilson now appears to be working as a shopgirl at LA's Leona Edmiston store. See, girls? This is where your career could end up.
Next morning, Jod-hello and her tits rock up AGAIN (seriously, doesn't she have anything better to do? And doesn't she own a BRA?) to make sure the girls don't keep their impatient American driver waiting - it's time for the photo shoot!
"OY MOY GOURD there's the Hollywood sign!" screams Steph, and I pray that it turns out she's pointing at a street sign or a shop window or the sign on the front of bus 102 to Hollywood just so I can have another drink already. But alas, she's actually gotten it right this time.
They eventually arrive at Napoleon's own house which, it must be said, is pretty pimped out with gilt covered furniture and chintzy decor. What else would you expect from this man?
I will live like an Emperor if I want.
In this photo shoot, the girls get to wear ACTUAL fashion (as opposed to Thorpey's underwear) - Dior, Galliano, Hermes, Prada.
"Shut UP! How good is THAT?!" screams Jod-hello from back on Sunset Boulevard.
Napoleon starts stirring up shit once again by asking Jordan some more bitchery-provoking questions. Jordan responds by playing round two of "Alice is Invisible", spilling her guts about how she wants Alice to be eliminated, how Alice doesn't work hard enough, and how it's unfair that she's naturally good looking and tall.
Stupid Steph then chimes in with her own opinions about how Alice has skimmed through the judging process while people worse than her were voted out. I thought that was sort of how it worked, actually, but anyway.
Meanwhile, Alice sits in silence under the hot rollers, slowly building up the necessary rage lava required to let loose a FULL ON VOLCANO OF FURY!
Like an annoying chihuahua that's too stupid to know the Alsatian it's yipping at is seconds away from ripping it to shreds, Steph keeps going... and then Alice lets rip. As much as Alice CAN let rip anyway.
"It felt slightly empowering, because it was like, well fuck you too," she says.
OH MY GOD, ALICE SAID FUCK. She is back to being my new favourite model.
"Even when they're wearing their highest heels I'm still two inches taller than them," she says.
BAM! POW! Go Alice!
She then puts the boot in to Jordan by saying she'd rather Steph went home because she's greater competition, but that Steph is the dumbest of the two.
"I don't know a lot. I've never been to other countries, I don't know the cultures of other countries because I've never been to them. I never really cared about them cos I'm an Aussie, I'm just at Australia all the time and why in my spare time would I want to know about the cultures of other countries?" blurts Steph, as her history, geography and social studies teachers (and everyone playing this week's ANTM drinking game) reach for the vodka.
Poor Steph, she's been at Australia for 16 whole years now - how is she supposed to learn about other countries? What, on the internet or something?
Alice continues, outing some more Stupid Steph quotes such as "Is Chile a country? I thought it was just something you put in food." (Drink.)
"Fuck you Alice. I know Chile's a country, I've seen it before on the maps, I do geography at school, I've seen Chile before," she says. Everyone else takes another drink.
"I ask some really dumb questions sometimes," admits Steph later, in a private moment.
It's hard to hear what she says next over the deafening noise of millions of Fox 8 viewers screaming "NO SHIT!" but it comes out like this:
"Like, I knew that there was Moroccan food, but like, I thought that, maybe it came from a country, like, cos I didn't know there was a country called Morocca. I'd never even heard of the place 'Morocca'. Which I don't think is THAT dumb. They don't even HAVE Moroccan food on the Central Coast, so."
Drink. BLOODY big drink. In fact, if you have a funnel, now would be the time to use it.
For those who haven't yet been taken to the emergency room with alcohol poisoning, the photo shoot in a nutshell: Jordan takes a tip straight from Britney Spears and straddles a chair, showing everyone her cha-cha. Despite this, and despite looking alarmingly like the photographer, she impresses everyone.
Jordan CAN be a boy's name too...
In a sleek black gown and red lips, Alice looks every inch TEH HOTNESS, and the room turns into an official Gay Area when she walks in, with the stylist squealing "Oh my gosh, is she not giving us Jerry Hall circa 1970s?" and everyone else shrieking sentences out containing the words "OOH!" "GIRL!" and "MM-HMM!" The stylist declares she has "ZERO" weaknesses. So take THAT, bitches!
Steph, on the other hand, looks like one of those soft-lit Anne Geddes photos of a toddler standing in a big pair of high heels with a string of pearls around their neck. The effect is oddly unsettling, especially given that she keeps pulling a "sex kitten" face.
"I didn't think that AT all. Especially cos like, I'm 16 so how can I be like, a sex kitten?" she says.
Middle aged men all over Australia take a big, fat drink.
"I'm praying that my photo will be better than either of theirs, that way THAT will keep me in. If it's second or even the worst I think I could be going home," Steph muses intelligently.
And so after a sum total of about half an hour spent in LA (gee, that one photo shoot at Napoleon's house was REALLY worth it), the girls get shuttled back to Straya again to face elimination in the warehouse.
Photo judging in a nutshell: Despite having her legs wide open and looking like a high class escort in her photo, Jordan is praised by everyone for "looking like a model", as if that wasn't the entire point of the competition. Identity Dawson finally loses her mind when it is conclusively proven that Alice CAN in fact move around, after her photo reveals her doing something other than sitting or standing looking blank. Steph's photo turns out exactly like the Anne Geddes one, but everyone still blows sunshine up her skirt - Dawson even commits the cardinal sin of blaming the STYLIST and the PHOTOGRAPHER for why the photo is scary. Try THAT shit with Tyra Banks and Miss J and see how far you get.
Stupid, Squinty and Skeletor give some crap speeches about "Why I should be Australia's Next Top Model" and everyone struggles to stay awake through their dull self-aggrandizing, until Alice comes out with this gem:
"I'm more confident about my body, and I don't walk into things as often - I used to bash into walls all the time because I wasn't aware of where I was," she says. Maybe THAT'S why everyone kept reminding them they were in LA.
Deliberation deliberation blah blah blah, judging judging blah blah, "This is the toughest decision yet" blah blah blah, "Steph's AMAZING... Alice is AMAZING... Jordan's AMAZING" blah blah blah, "How will we ever decide who to eliminate?" blah blah blah.
"We have to make a decision because someone's got to go," says Dawson, who will clearly give Jordan a run for her money on Stating the Bloody Obvious.
Alice is given a ticket straight to ANTM town, leaving Stupid and Squinty to eat her dust as she screams "SCREW YOU, BITCHES!" on the inside.
Then Jod-hello proves once and for all what everyone always knew - you don't have to have a brain to be a model - giving Steph the second golden ticket to the ANTM final, and handing Squinty her marching orders. Cue emotional guitar music, cue tears, cue Jordan's exceptionally high "sad voice" that sounds rather like a drunk Mickey Mouse, cue lots of "OY LOVE YOUSE" and it's all over. The Squinty-Stupid alliance is defeated - one might call that karma.
Suddenly the realisation dawns on Steph that she's in the final two, and in the running for the major prizes.
"YAY! Maybe the international photo shoot will be in Morocca!"