OY MOY GOURD! IT'S TOTALLY THE ANTM FINALE! I am like, SOY excited. Particularly seeing as tonight's episode provides us with an opportunity for another ANTM drinking game: Every time someone says "amazing", drink. I swear to GOD you won't last the first ad break.
Ahh, there have been so many wonderful, golden memories over these past 11 weeks. Who could forget Angry Jane?
Or that lingerie challenge...
Not the BEST angle, dear...
Or our illustrious host...
Or the stunning level of intelligence of all the models...
Me and Steph are like, totally going to Morocca next year.
Yes, it's been a SUPER FABULOUS series of ANTM, with more classic quotes, dummy spits, scrag fights and panic attacks than you can poke a stick-thin model at. But now it comes down to this - Stupid vs Skeletor.
Who's your money on?
Foxtel's gone all out with an OY MOY GOURD WE'RE LIKE SO TOTALLY LIVE FINALE!!11!11 to determine the winner - and Ms Identity Dawson kicks off the proceedings in a dress that makes her look like a Miss Universe contestant doing an impression of an icicle. Hurrah!
Steph looks like the pretty little schoolgirl she is, in a funky bright green dress and a sweet hairdo, BUT WHO THE HELL EVEN NOTICES HER BECAUSE VA-VA-VOOM, IT'S ALICE!
Even Identity can't keep her mouth shut.
She may very well have bought Oxfam Australia out of their entire stock of henna, but God DAMN, girl looks fine! Aside from her electric new hair, she's wearing THE most fabulous gold sequin dress ever, and looks like some kind of wonderful fashion mirrorball from 1987. I want to lick her. You do NOT come second in that dress. That dress is a winner's dress.
"It has been the most AMAZING journey," says Identity, providing us all with our very first opportunity to have a drink. Don't worry if you missed it, there'll be plenty more. Trust me.
"Oh it's been an AMAZING journey," Identity says again. Hang on, what? I've barely finished my first tequila shot. Ok well there's two for you. Get on board for Inebriated-ville!
As we all top up our shot glasses for the next AMAZING drink opportunity, they show us the inevitable flashback montage of clips from the auditions of past finalists you don't remember or care about anymore (Jaimi, anyone?), of Napoleon Perdis yelling "YOOOOOU do NOT have complexion perfection!" at Angry Jane, of Jordan mumbling "Fucking blueberries", of Pease calling Steph the "town virgin", and of Jordan flashing her G string while dragging her bag up the stairs... What you missed that episode? Here you are, then:
NOT Thorpey's underwear (this time).
Then it's straight into the studio, which is an old Price is Right set they've borrowed off Channel Nine for the evening, and it's all "Come on down, JODHIIIIIIII MEEEEEEEEEEEAAARRRRES!!!!!!"
And come on down she does, albeit with apparent difficulty - she can hardly move in her skin tight satin dress, and she displays one of the worst walks we've seen in 11 whole weeks.
"Don't stomp, I hate that! Be elegant!" barks Mink from the front row.
True to form, Jod-hello's got her boosies out again - and this time perhaps literally. Her dress is so tight those puppies are just a piece of Hollywood Tape away from exploding right out the top and blinding the front row.
"Press the red button now to keep my breasts INSIDE my bodice."
Apart from her obvious fashion issues, Jod-hello seems to be having a really hard time of this whole hosting thing. She's only been out there for 60 seconds and already you can see the terror forming in her eyes. Not that you'd notice it register anywhere ELSE on her face, as she's clearly been to the same spray tanning salon Lisa Oldfield goes to and her forehead is strangely devoid of movement. The spray tan seems to have affected her jaw too, as she seems to be having difficulty speaking at a pace faster than that of an autistic child. Perhaps she's been joining in our drinking game?
Fortunately she gets a bit of respite with another clip package, which shows the video of the girls' final challenge, and also features several clips of Steph snotting on herself.
"Now that I'm up against Alice, I KNOW I can win this," says Steph, in a moment that some might describe as A LITTLE BIT ARROGANT.
The video shows Pease and Jod-hello presenting the girls with their final challenge - go sees at "hort ka-choor" designer Alex Perry and "street wear" designer Fashion Assassin in the hopes of scoring a position in their runway shows at Australian Fashion Week. Everyone indulges in a nice bit of play acting, pretending that the catwalk jobs are HOTLY contested by international models and Steph and Alice will really have to TRY to win a spot, and everyone pretends not to know they've both got the gig already.
"This is not a fait accompli - you may walk for nobody, you may walk for both jobs," says Pease, while crossing his fingers behind his back and winking at the producer.
"You have to be really savvy, really sexy, not too pouty, and it's really about having fun, and it's kind of street, and cool," blathers the Fashion Assassin guy.
Alice looks more and more horrified with every descriptor: "Cool? Fun? FUCK."
F.A dude whacks a horrid blue mini and a *shock horror* CORAL coloured top on her which, unsurprisingly, she looks awful in. Apparently this is Alice's fault.
"She's so tall, when you put her in a very short mini she looks very disproportionate," he says, before putting her in an even shorter gold mini. Fortunately this time she looks FABULOUS. Somewhere, Anika is taking notes.
Gold isn't for everyone.
He dresses Steph in a skin tight black garbage bag and tells her she looks fabulous, and it has to be said, she sort of does.
Surprise surprise, both girls are "hired" for the show. Steph is SOY excited.
"It's going to be AMAZING!" says F.A guy. Drink.
Then they go meet Alex Perry and his "people" to do the whole charade all over again.
"If I stuff up and Alice does well, I'm basically screwed," says Steph, who it seems will also be appearing with Jordan on the first episode of Stating the Bloody Obvious next week on Fox 8.
"Hmm. Don't LOVE," says Alex's assistant as Steph finishes her display walk and struts out the door.
"But she's got a BEAUTIFUL face," says Alex.
"Yeah, with the right make up."
Walk walk walk, blah blah blah, walk walk walk, they're both in the show.
BAM - and it's back to the studio, where Jod-hello is unfortunately back in front of the camera carefully reading the autocue like an ex-stutterer who's just been cured by an AMAZING new treatment (drink). She presents the judges (who we're all thoroughly sick of after 11 weeks), introducing Identity Dawson as her "co-host for the evening". Obviously the job description for "co-host" includes the task "rescuing the entire show half way through from The Official Host, who couldn't host her way out of a wet paper bag", as we will see demonstrated later.
BAM - and it's back to the video, and we see Skelly and Stupid backstage at Fashion Week, preparing for their BIG DEBUT. We also see Jod-hello, Identity Dawson, Non-Identity Smith and Pease Porridge turning up on the red carpet for the show, and they've clearly been playing the ANTM drinking game with us as they're seemingly pissed out of their minds. That's what happens when you give minor celebrities free champagne.
"I think they're ready. I think they're going to do an AMAAAZING job tonight," says Jod-hello. Drink.
Perry introduces Steph to model Miranda Kerr, and all of us get to have yet another drink: "That was SOY amazing, it was the best thing ever," she gushes. Drink. We're up to number five now, if you're counting.
Catwalk challenge in a nutshell: Alice looks fab-u-LOUS in her floaty, black Alex Perry gown, striking a deadly pose on the end of the runway that makes her look like something out of Kill Bill. She might be wearing silk but she could KICK YOUR ARSE, MUTHAF*CKA. Steph looks equally gorgeous, but sadly has a fashion malfunction halfway down the catwalk and trips over her own shoe. This is followed by the inevitable tears backstage - we feel genuinely sorry for her.
BAM - and we're back to the studio, where all of the judges agree that Steph did an average job of Alex Perry's show and Alice is God. Perry offers his thoughts.
"I think the girls did an absolutely AMAZING job," he says. DRINK.
"Alice walked like an angel, like, it was AMAZING." Drink, if you can still stomach it.
"Steph tripped up, but how AMAZING was she, she bounced back, which was incredible," says Dawson. You know what to do.
Back to the video, and this time it's the Fashion Assassin show. Hopefully Steph won't fall over or vomit on herself or break her shoe THIS time... oops, spoke too soon. She has actually broken her shoe again. Now THAT'S amazing. (drink)
Surprisingly though, she does a great job on the catwalk, prancing along and flirting with the audience. Very cute, very funky. But then there's Alice. Good lord, the girl can walk. As Perry points out - she can take some cheap, shitty clothing and make it look "expensive". Alice for P.M.
Back in the studio again, and obviously the judges have been playing the ANTM drinking game with schooners of Jack Daniels because it's time for a fight! Perry and Non-Identity Smith get their bitch on over Steph, with Perry claiming she's too short and not good enough and Smith claiming that it's Opposite Day and he's holding boys' barleys so nyer, nyer, no returns. But then Perry yells out "ALICE ROOLZ TIMES INFINITY PLUS ONE" and it's all over. Pease says "amazing" twice. Drink a double.
Jod-hello starts up her retarded child impression again to introduce the girls to the stage, describing Alice as having an "AMAZING sense of style" (drink), and Steph as having a "million dollar face".
"No wonder she looks so much younger than me, I only paid $800 for mine," thinks Jod-hello.
The fabulous glitterball diva and the bobble-headed schoolgirl take a seat on the stage, and there's an awkward moment of silence where everyone looks askance at each other and no one says anything. Obviously whoever was manning Jodhi's teleprompter has died of boredom and she now has nothing to say. Fortunately Pease picks up the slack - sadly his microphone hasn't actually been switched on so I miss the first half of his sentence but I think we can safely say it involved the word "amazing". Drink.
He asks Steph how she enjoyed the series, and she says it was "amazing" (yep, I know) and then says "There's not that many words to describe it, really."
LUCKY THAT, CONSIDERING YOU ONLY SEEM TO HAVE ONE IN YOUR VOCAB.
Perry gets out his sleeping bag and sets up his tent firmly in Alice's camp by telling her how wonderful she is and how she IS confident and she DOES have a sense of humour and OOOH WE KNOW ALEX, WE LOVE HER TOO!
Each judge asks the girls a bunch of different questions, most of which are quite dull but yield the following information: Alice admits she looked "dreary" next to the other, more outspoken models in the house; Steph thinks being 16 is no impediment to her modelling clothes designed for a 25+ audience; Alex Perry loves Alice and wants to have her babies/marry her/vote for her in the next federal election; Steph wants to be on the covers of as many VOGUEs as possible, as if it's some sort of hobby like stamp collecting; and Non-Identity Smith may very well have waxed his chest shortly before this show.
Looks a little red to me...
Our new host Identity Dawson sends us off to a 30 second ad on how to vote for our favourite model (something about pressing a red button, or drinking a Johnnie Walker red, I'm a bit tipsy now so I'm not sure), and we come back to a startled Jodhi half out of her chair, staring at the camera like a rabbit in the headlights.
"Hey, honey?" she says mysteriously, before Identity tries to cut in and save the day. But no, she's FOILED by Jodhi, who's just noticed the teleprompter and resumes the script, getting all the eliminated models back on stage for one last hurrah.
Given that each of them has to walk seven miles down the catwalk and then feels the need to hug and kiss both finalists, this process takes approximately 83,000 years. For some reason Kara isn't there. If you can possibly remember Kara, you might actually care about this. Nothing exciting happens in this segment whatsoever, except that all the previous contestants appear to be sponsored by the Opaque Tights and Leggings Advisory Board, Angry Jane is dressed in what appears to be an oversized poncho with matching wristbands and I've finally realised what atrocious teeth Cassandra has. Christ. She was NEVER going to win. Several eliminateds also diss Alice by not giving her a hug. Or maybe it's just that they don't want to break her in half.
"You all look like top models, you all look AMAZING," enthuses Dawson. Yes it's true. You have to drink again.
Given that the producers have now turned off Jodhi's microphone and are presently trying to wheel her off stage ("Hey, honey?" she warbles, confused, in the background), Dawson assumes The Official Host role once again and kicks off the judges/models gossipy girly chat sesh by asking Jaimi if she got back together with her boyfriend after ditching the show in episode one to be with him. She says yes she did. Everyone struggles to care.
Then there's a lovely flashback montage of clips of the models swearing, having panic attacks and generally being molls, which features Paloma in a starring role. No one says "amazing". Shit. I think I'm sobering up.
Dawson then fires a few questions at Paloma, who staunchly refuses to put on her Crazy cap and gives some really dull answers. Although she does mention that someone approached her on the street thinking she was from The Biggest Loser. It's funny and yet, in a way, she was. Not that she cares.
"I came into this competition for the experience and not actually wanting to win, and I learned a few things on the way," she says, while everyone else goes "YEAH RIIIIIIIIGHT, PALOMA, SUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRE, WHATEVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR."
Next up Dawson introduces another flashback montage demonstrating the models' almost total lack of personal style, featuring Anika in a starring role. Dawson seems blithely unaware of the hypocrisy of laughing at others' fashion mistakes while wearing the fashion equivalent of a snowcone.
"Hey, honey?" witters Jodhi from backstage.
Dawson keeps up the Hosting role and rolls out another montage, this time of the girls crying, featuring Jordan in a starring role. We also get to see that great clip of Alice crying about her sunburned back - she should win just for that performance. Back in the studio, Jordan starts crying for real, which for some reason makes the entire judging panel wax on about what a great actress she would be. Yeah, Gwyneth won an Oscar for that shit.
Game on...sob sob...MOLL!
"You're just made for the screen, you've got such AMAZING emotion," says Alex Perry.
Are you drunk yet?
"Well, there was never a dull moment in the model house," says Jod-hello, wrestling the Hosting role off Dawson long enough to say something completely untrue. I remember PLENTY of dull moments. What about when Thorpey came on?
"Please welcome Australia's favourite fashion Olympian, Ian Thorpe!" she screams.
Thorpey spouts off some crap about how the models have all come so far, yada yada yada, and aren't they beautiful, blah blah blah, all the while spinning from side to side like a circus clown. Clearly he's been taking hosting leassons from Jodhi. He's there to present the award to the most popular model, as voted by Australia. Why? Who knows. Who cares. Jordan wins. She gets some money. Yay.
Then Dawson starts the laborious process of asking each of the models who they think will win, each of whom starts off by saying "Gee, it's a really tough decision, both of the girls are so different, and they're both so beautiful, but if I HAD to say one person I would say..."
This process takes approximately three and a half weeks, and yields just two "amazings".
Next up we take a look back at our Alice's past photos. Dawson says she looked AMAZING in week four. Pease says she looked AMAZING in week five, yelling "She's a walking model, for Christ's sake!" So much better than those paraplegic models. Jez Smith says she looked like a trussed up chicken. Dawson tells the nay-sayers to go eat their faces. Then she rolls out her sleeping bag next to Alex Perry's and they both start singing kum-bayah and toasting marshmallows over the bonfire in Alice's camp. Jez Smith sits by himself under a tree in the rain in Steph's camp. Don't forget to drink.
Perry reveals that Alice once told him she wanted to be a model so that she could "interpret clothing". He is very impressed by this. So am I - if modelling doesn't work out she could probably work for the UN.
Jod-hello says "amazing". It doesn't matter what the context is anymore. Just drink.
Then we all take a look at Steph's portfolio. Who? Oh right, her. We go through her old photos but only out of politeness, really, because it's obvious Alice has already won and Steph can pack her bags and go sit with Jez in the rain.
"Her face is amazing," says Pease. Drink.
"She can do amazing things," says Jodhi. Drink.
Then - DING! DING! - it's fight time again, and Perry goes head to head with Jod-hello in a battle over whether Steph is too young. Perry says she is, and Jodhi shows off her intelligence level by calling him "dude" and saying his is a "crap opinion". Go Jodhi, THAT'S telling him! She then pretends to be the host by cutting him off mid sentence and throwing to Jez, but then Pease jumps in and soon it's a free for all while little Steph sits on the stage.
"OY MOY GOURD they're SOY totally fighting over me!" she squeals.
Jez says she looks "AMAZING" in front of the camera. Drink, if you have any left.
"You know what I think? I think you're both ABSOLUTELY AMAZING," says Jod-hello, as thousands of people playing this drinking game around Australia collapse to the floor with alcohol poisoning.
And then it's time for judging - THANK GOD. On the "celebrity" judging panel we have Priscilla, of Priscilla Models, Napoleon Perdis and Kirstie Clements, of Vogue. Priscilla says Steph is too young ("Oh HERE we go," mutters Jodhi off-camera in what she thinks is a low voice but is actually projected across Australia at a level of decibels otherwise known as RUDE) and votes for Alice. Napoleon votes for Alice. Clements votes for Alice. Jez pulls a rolled up newspaper out of his pocket and tries to shelter himself from the rain pouring down in Steph's camp. Meanwhile, Perry, Dawson, Clements, Napoleon and Priscilla crack open another pack of marshmallows and start telling ghost stories round their fire.
Pease tells Alice her week 10 photo was "amazing", and her performance in fashion week was "amazing". He then tells Steph she's not only an "amazing model" but an "amazing person". I'm not kidding. Pour a pint of whatever you've got and drink it. He votes for Steph.
Once again the camera cuts to Jodhi who is looking blankly in the wrong direction and fiddling with papers before someone makes the intelligent executive decision to cut to Perry instead. Perry starts explaining his vote but is cut-off mid sentence by Jod-hello re-assuming her role as Host and reading from the teleprompter: "OK, so that's three votes to Alice, one vote to Steph." Perry looks at her in bewilderment, as does the rest of the nation.
"Ok, I'll start that again - I think you're both amazing," he says. ARGHHHHH!
He votes for Alice. Jod-hello gets out her calculator, thinks for a few minutes, scribbles down a few sums and concludes that that is in fact a LEAD to Alice of four votes to Steph's one.
Over to Dawson, who tells Alice her photos have been "amazing". Drink. She votes for Alice.
Despite the fact that there are only two votes left to count and Alice currently has a lead of five to Steph's one, Jodhi continues to try to build suspense by asking Jez what his vote is. Who cares? Alice has clearly won. Let's face it, she won when the three sponsors voted for her - you can hardly tell Vogue, Napoleon and Priscilla Models to fuck off, can you? Despite this, they continue the charade. Jez and Jod-hello both give charity votes to Steph, which still puts Alice two votes ahead. And yet they keep going...
HELLO? What is this? The US Presidential election or something? She won! It's over!
How do I vote for Alice on this thing...?
The awkwardness isn't helped by another spot of dead air in which Jodhi has probably forgotten to read the teleprompter again. Luckily Dawson saves the day, getting the girls to explain for the FIVE BILLIONTH TIME why they should be Australia's Next Top Model. All too aware of her fate up against the nation's new darling, Alice, Steph has started blubbering and tells everyone through snot and a dripping face why she should be our next top model. Somehow, it just doesn't fly.
No one is surprised when Alice finally wins the day. After all, she is AMAZING. Drink.