Sunday, July 15, 2007

Worst fashion designs ever: Joining the Bratz Pack

A couple of weeks ago we had a work experience kid in the office who, when asked what she'd like to be when she left school, replied "a fashion writer, but if I can't do that, then a fashion designer".

"That's nice," we all said (while secretly thinking "Enjoy your 10 years of writing up local council meetings, cops reports and five paragraph feature stories on the new local mural and eventual spiral into depression first!").

But then, we're cynical bitches.

She then told us that her three best friends wanted to be a forensic investigator, a doctor and a model-slash-actress (always good to keep your options open). It's good to know that kids still get their career goals from TV, isn't it? If only Channel Nine's Sea Patrol was a hit, kids everywhere would be lining up to join the navy.

The point is this: Every young girl who thinks they're pretty good at picking out a nice top at Sportsgirl thinks they could be a fashion designer.

I blame celebrities. I mean, when teenage role models are getting around dressed like this:


From gofugyourself.com


who DOESN'T think they could design something better?

So when I heard that one of the most evil, childhood-corrupting creations of the western world, Bratz, was running a fashion design competition, I was ecstatic.

"Oh goody," I thought, without a hint of internal sarcasm. "This competition will surely raise the standard of young female fashion and give new empowerment to young girls everywhere."

If you're unfamiliar with Bratz dolls, they're an inexplicably popular bunch of lollipop-headed, plastic totems of female repression, and this is the sort of fashion standard they currently set for girls aged six to 12:


Putting the 'ass' in 'classy'.


Basically - if you have a head that's too big for your body, a vacant expression and dress like a hooker, give yourself a check. If you have don't have genitals, you could be a Bratz doll. Otherwise, you're Nicole Richie.

Bratz have recently launched the Passion 4 Fashion Design Awards, which gives budding fashion designers/fashion writers/forensic investigators/model-slash-actresses aged six and over the chance to get their crappy drawings displayed on the internet. And there's some sort of prize or something, I think.

It's not clear whether the winning entries will actually be made into Bratz outfits, although I'm hoping with all my heart that they will after seeing this one:


Ginger spice.


This is 18 year old Taryn's idea of a cool party outfit. Yes, 18. I thought 18 year olds only went to fancy dress parties so they could dress up as slutty nurses and French maids. Clearly Taryn stands alone in her love of baked goods.

If going to a fancy dress party as a giant piece of pastry isn't your thing, try these designs from 11 year old Chloe of NSW:


She's a brick house.


The perfect outfit for those "21st century disasters" themed fancy-dress parties, when you want to go as the twin towers. Fire, smoke and hordes of screaming people are optional extras.

She's also catered for those ever-popular "Mass comunication technology" themed parties, with this retro 1990s mobile phone design. Hot.


Ring, ring, why don't you give me a call?


Now meet 18 year old Anthony, of Melbourne:


MY EYES, MY BEAUTIFUL EYES!


I think it's safe to say that Anthony is either gay, or on acid. Or perhaps both (hey, it worked for Andy Warhol).

If that's altogether a bit too much colour, 14 year old Karla from NSW has got you covered:


I have heaps of friends on Myspace.


An edgy up-and-coming young designer, Karla creates fashion for a very select market. Namely, half woman/half panda people with no hands, hooves for feet, and incredibly low crotches:


That's low.


18 year old Tessa proves you don't have to know how to operate a scanner to enter a design competition:


Just turn your monitor upside down, stupid.


While Nicole gets to the true heart of Bratz by creating an outfit for a transexual hooker:


Spot on, Nicole!


But when it comes to designing clothes for real women, it's clear that a bit of maturity goes a long way. Meet our oldest contestant, 25 year old Stacey from NSW. Yes, 25. That's right, she's 25 and she's entering a BRATZ DOLLS DESIGN COMPETITION. Just getting that straight.

Anyway, I think you'll agree she's Australia's next big design talent:


Wow.


Not only is her work edgy, fresh and innovative (a skrit ATTACHED to pants? Insane) but the attention to detail in her designs is simply mind-boggling.


Truly a creative genius.


She continues on a similar theme here, but keeps the look fresh by replacing the red skrit with a purple skrit with lace trim.


Sassy.


Not just a one trick pony, here Stacey shows her talent for accessory designing with a radical heart shaped belt buckle. This design also shows her affinity with colour, mixing pastel orange, green and blue in a combination sure to surprise and delight.

Lastly, Stacey shows a more adventurous side with her evening wear entry:


MC Jacket - it raps around.


This wrap around jacket/no pants combination is sure to be a hit with the fashion set - celebrities such as Britney Spears and Paris Hilton have already placed orders for theirs.



65 comments :

  1. Wow - acid tripper Anthony is really talented.

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  2. Yeah, I kind of thought Anthony looked like he was trying to design some ruby slippers for the 21st century.

    But that Stacey - now that's where the talent is. C'mon, he's got denim, she's got ruffles - if she just had some pink ugg boots, she'd have it all goin' on.

    Oh, and mahahaha re the Bratz/Nichole Richie joke. Noice on, maaayte.

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  3. ahahahahahah that's hilarious. i think we'll next be seeing 14 year old karla from nsw on a current affair with her wrists slashed

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  4. hilarious, especially with last night's ep of Boston Legal in a similar vein...

    http://www.tv.com/boston-legal/guise-n-dolls/episode/994307/summary.html?tag=ep_list;ep_title;19

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  5. I have a feeling that Stacey might be what they used to refer to as 'simple'.

    Also, you are the funniest girl alive.

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  6. Stacey is the winner by a mile. With that much talent who in their right mind would hold her back? 25, are you sure?

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  7. Petstarr, this post made me snort-laugh on an otherwise hideous, tear-stained day. Thank you.

    Oh, and I have a theory about Anthony. Fabulous colour and the-world-is-your-gyno skirt length? Anthony = Alex Perry.

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  8. I'm loving Gay Anthony's designs, I have to admit.

    Not that there's anything wrong with that.

    And I'd probably buy a gingerbread man Bratz doll just for the kitsch value.

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  9. Sure Anthony's not Anthony from Idol trying to diversify? Australia doesn't seem to like gay singers - obviously he doesn't think so - so he's making forays into the fashion designing world by designing bratz fashion..

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  10. i shrieked when i read this post!

    my favourite is the emo panda with the incredibly low crotch.

    as for stacey - oh dear...

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  11. bwahahaha!

    classic.

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  12. Excellent post, although i was left with a feeling of sadness of 25 year old stacey. in all seriousness, she probably has a brain injury or intellectual disability. there's no other explanation.

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  13. Ah that is the funniest thing I have read in a long time! That first gingerbread picture..oh my god!
    I actually have tears in my eyes...brilliant!

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  14. I considered entering this for a nanosecond, then I remembered I am in my twenties and could never truly understand the Bratz thing, nor design something skanky enough, so it was best left alone.

    I really like gay Anthony's designs, particularly the yellow top, I think it would be rather beautiful in real life. I hope he doesn't win simply so he might have a chance at working with an actual designer and using his powers for good and not evil.

    (I also like that his model's eyelashes are as long as her fingers, that would be awkward.)

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  15. You nasty nasty people.
    At least they are having a go.
    What have you done lately?
    Nothing except bag people out!
    Competitions like this are for fun you boring, bland people.
    Did you ever consider that these people may actually be "disabled or slow" and are just in it for the fun of it?
    Shame on all of you!

    Bye the way I think your blog is crap.

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  16. Aww thanks, Anonymous! That made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

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  17. BYE the way, anonymous, you can't spell :) Are you, perhaps, slow or retarded?

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  18. That was so funny, I however am desperatly trying to enter the competition, I have a glorious, classy outfit but there are so many people trying to enter that I cannot. Anonymous is quite rude, however maybe poor stacey is sick. Or did it for the fun of it, I loved the ginerbread man outfit!

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  19. Hi guys. I don't want to rain on anybodies parade as you are obviously having so much fun but the competition in question is actually to design clothes for kids - not dolls. And OK some of the designs are a little out there but some are great. I know it is so much easier to bag others out rather than have a go at something positive yourself.

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  20. So Petstarr, which design is yours?
    You seem very caught up with this competition.
    Are you a closet Bratz fan?
    Or perhaps you are trying to eliminate the competition.
    Very interesting!

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  21. Message for Redcrap (oops)!
    Slip of the fingers!
    Are you an english professor?

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  22. Reality Bites doesn't it? Firstly all you obsessive compulsives don't you get it - this competition is not about fashion, the bratz dolls or how good you are at drawing it is simply about the trip!!!! Now if you are all grown ups and not kids you will step up and admit it!!!!!!!!!!

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  23. Redcap. You seem to have been aptly named (better watch my spelling). Perhaps this is the start of something really beautiful and all should join in. It seems to me that you have some personal insight into the concept of slow and retarded. Chin up!!!! Have you tried selling pens?

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  24. Yawwwwwwn. It's like shooting fish in a barrel.

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  25. Redcap. So you have experience with this activity. Interesting. Reality does bite.

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  26. Perhaps if the expression were anything more than an overused cliche, dear, it might. Sorry, just a tad bored now.

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  27. Dear Petstarr,
    u obviously have alot of pent up anger and are very upset that u have no talent what so ever. Never mind Hollywood stars have made millions out of no talent so there is hope for you yet....
    However, i have issues with your critique of some of these designs. Does it bolster your ego to bag a six year olds designs? do you get a thrill by demeaning those who are brave enough to put their artwork on display?
    And by the way someone's "assumed" sexulaity should not be a factor when judging their design. This person that you slander has produced designs that are extremely cutting edge with personality and individual style. Have i seen your work on there? I think not!
    I personally think you are exceptionally shallow with nothing else better to do than sit at your lonely computer and bitch about people with alot more talent and alot more to offer than you.
    Just remember what goes around comes around hunny!

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  28. If the Bratz website is so offensive to you why were you on there in the first place? But maybe it is sooooo much easier to pay out on people who strive for something than to get off your arse and actually do something creative yourself (p.s. bitching about 6 year olds is not creative-just pathetic!).
    Try being a little bit more constructive or else maybe remove yourselves from the planet-Don't worry you wont be missed!

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  29. Petstarr, Excuse Me but I think that you are being incredibly mean and arragent to pay out these children.Im sure there designs are better than you and You should just piss off and remove this site. I don't see yours on display. These people have tried there best at this competition. Did you have anything better to do. Atleast they have been brave enough to even enter and put it on display. It's just mean and rude! what would you do if they won huh.?? I hope you just leave them alone and do something better with your life instead of putting people down.

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  30. Wow, so much love in the air! Can you feel it? Never mind, I'm off to do something completely uncreative, as I am often wont to do. Perhaps I'll remove myself from the planet. Lord knows I'm "arragent" enough to think that will make a difference to the world.

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  31. Who Do yooh think you are Petstarr.? You think you r really something, but your a mean ,weirdo with nothing else to do but sit on your pov-ass lame computer and pay out people .Your just soo mean. Face it that Bratz are better than you ,and that there designs are better than you could ever do so get a life! To me your site is Bla Bla Bla!!! So face it.One day your mouth and attitude will get you into trouble! you dont just write things about pplz designs. How would u feel if they did that 2 you?

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  32. Anonymous - what do you mean IF people did that to me? There's been nothing BUT trash talk about me in this comments board for the past two weeks! So how does that make me feel? Wanted and loved, wanted and loved.

    PS: You're almost right - my site is actually Bla-nd Canyon Bla-nd Canyon Bla-nd Canyon. But good on you for having a go!

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  33. Oh anon now you've gone and insulted her computer, and he didn't even do anything to you. Your soooo mean!

    But Pet, anon is right - you ARE a weirdo. You know - in that you actually have a basic command of the english language. WEIRD.

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  34. Shame on you nasty and horrible people to bag out people with talet and people whom actually give something a go, as i may add Anthony is very talented as i can say for many others check the industry out and i can say these kids and adults who have entered have done an amazing job. Who are you to say whats great and whats crap? i don't see any of your work there now do i? As for an annonymus person has already said these competitions are for fun and to be so rude as to put down a drawing by a seven year old, god where are your morals, i'm sure you could do no better.

    YOUR BLOG IS CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  35. Gosh, Anonymous - you've been so busy round these parts!! Ten comments so far, and you just keep coming back! I commend you on your tenacity.

    The recurring argument seems to be that unless I enter this competition myself, I shouldn't pass judgement on others' entries. Have I got that straight? Ok. So then why don't you go and email all of those nasty theatre critics and music, film and book reviewers, and tell them to LIFT THEIR GAME and put on a show/release a CD/direct a film/write a book. Because IF THEY DON'T they SURE AS HELL shouldn't be commenting on others' attempts. Right?

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  36. I am deeply ashamed and Disgusted to think that you are human you seem to have such a bitter and cold heart. And just to note i'm sure annon is many a persons commeting in the same disheartened way as i.
    And i find that to be correct unless you have something to add to the competition i find you to be disillusioned, and abnoxious to comment on such works. It takes guts to show what you have in such a competition, but i find you to be completly gutless.

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  37. Oh believe me, I've got guts. I devoured an entire family sized pizza last night. THAT'S going to take a while to work off at the gym...

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  38. No thats just being a pig. Might you not have anything better to do with your life?
    And ues you really are gutless, you put us to shame

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  39. Might I ask which one is YOUR entry in the Bratz awards, anon? Or actually, what your name is?

    And no, I don't have anything better to do with my life, except sit here in front of my lonely computer eating pizza and slagging off kids. Isn't life great?

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  40. And by the way, I note that you've come to this blog by Googling the phrase "bland canyon" - what were you hoping to find, exactly? Or did someone tell you about me? Is my notoriety growing? Woo hoo!

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  41. I have not entered, as if it actually interests you to acknowledge. And it is not in my interest to tell you my name.
    You are a sad excuse for a being, you are how old? to be here with nothing better to do in your life?
    To me life is great but without you a rude, aboxious human as you may call yourself you seem to have a sad and lonely excuse for a life, you and your site are a load of rubbish. You are truely sad and pathetic

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  42. Such love, such unequivocal love for me and my blog!

    Or am I just being truely abnoxious? Probably.

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  43. Love? if thats how you feel thats great for you, but actually in one word sad. And your stupid site yeah someone told me about it.
    Why not write a blog about how useless you really are after all you really have nothing better to do am i right?
    Really get a life

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  44. Well.. there's always more pizza to eat, I suppose.

    Someone told you about my site? Wow. My notoriety IS growing! I bet they told you it was awesome, right? Right?

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  45. you do that...
    and yes someone told me... and no it wasn't that is was awesome.... no where close.
    I have better things to do im my life so i'll leave it there... but as for you good luck in life because trust me with all that bull and crap dribbling and frothing from your mouth you are definately going to need it
    good riddence to you

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  46. Bye! Y'all come back now, ya hear?

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  47. Yeah, Petstarr, you are Rude and Aboxius. You are a sad and lonley piece of human crap and I for one feel to be ashamed tht you are even on the same planet as me. As if you would even DARE to pay out kids that are two years old! How could you even do that? YU are a sad, pathetic human, truely. Why don't you go and eat some more pizza nd thne go out and try to find a LIFE, that is if your not too SAD.

    Love,

    ANthony's Best Friend

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  48. HA HA HA! this post (and subsequent comment war) is so FUCKING FUNNY! i used to receive job applications from 'graphic designers' whose talents are on a similar level to those entering the bratz fashion design contest and so your post conjured up all sorts of memories (and guilt?) about laughing my arse off at peoples skills. fortunately (i guess?) i'm not even remotely talented myself, but i think that gives me license to laugh at pretty much whatever i want. good on them for giving it a go and whatever, but FUCK! you're asking for it by submitting that shit!
    glad to see you don't let the haters get you down - "you don't have anything better to do..." clearly, neither do they, neither do i, etc. why can't we all just be friends?

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  49. Hi petstarr.
    My name is georgia and may i say you are really rude and arragent.you think ur soo creative for making up this pov site. I would be so pissed if you had payed out my design because i entered that compettion and so did my friends. But also you making fun of younger childrens pictures and designs just being so mean and ur acting like a dick head.Havent u got something better to do in ur stupid life. MAybe ppl have been writing shit on ur comment board because ur site is shit.Ever thought of that. GO eat more pizza and just leave them alone. And if any1 would talk about ur site it would be bad talk!!

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  50. We could never be friends. I dont make friends with jerks!!(aka Petstarr) by the way your blog is shit and your picture

    georgia_

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  51. Thanks Georgia! Wow, two comments from you - you must be a really big fan of my blog! Thanks for stopping by, I appreciate the comments. Good luck in the competition, by the way - I'll keep an eye out for you in the pages of next month's VOGUE.

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  52. Does anyone even say 'dickhead' any more? That's bad talk.

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  53. Aww, whipping people into a frenzy of moral outrage and self-righteousness really is like shooting fish in a barrel, isn't it Pet? You keep up the good work, deary. There must be some politically-correct dimwit you haven't offended yet.

    And I'm still not sure what amuses me more: (a) the fact that most of the people who are slagging you off can neither spell nor create a sentence that is properly-punctuated and grammatically correct, or (b) that the concept of irony completely eludes the lot of 'em.

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  54. What a bunch of losers. Clearly you have no sense of irony, otherwise you would understand that PetStarr IS putting herself out there and in fact, you should thank her for giving you all something to do with your own sad selves - after all, you're the morons who are sitting back criticising. Perhaps it's time you righteous, no fun, boring as batshit naysayers head back up to your moral high ground - you're past curfew. And P.S. for christ's sake if you're going to try and insult someone in writing, learn how to spell the words first you bloody idiots!

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  55. Thanks Anonymous - I'm guessing you're no relation to the other Anonymi that have been hanging around here... :)

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  56. I know I'm late in coming to the party but this is possibly one of the funniest posts I've read in a long time, PetStarr. The panda woman and mobile phone dress analyses had me re-circuiting my coffee through my nose.

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  57. Oh my goodness petstarr and you anonymous guy we could spell right if we wanted but sometimes we can't be stuffed but I guess I'm annoyed at Bratz because they did not pick me to win infact none of these pictures you have on here I guess I'm pissed off because off eveything they did I mean they didn't even contact me when I wrote to them so I say go to hell Bratz competition!!!!!(they also were very unfair picking the same person twice) anyway, also u do know that the anthony guy became a finalist i actually loved the eyes and artwork. it was a very beautiful drawing. anyway bye

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  58. Er, thanks Mellissa.

    Doesn't Melissa only have one L? Guess your parents couldn't spell either.

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  59. hello again petstarr,
    please leave my parents out of this they are very smart and can spell actually and my name originally has two l's. Anyway i was pissed off with them. Anthony was a finalist! c'mon didn't you think his artwork was fantastic? guess not. Well Bye.
    Mellissa..

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  60. Victoria and AnnieSeptember 06, 2007 9:24 pm

    Hello Petstarr,
    We absolutely loved those pictures, we also entered the competition and in our opinion we did well, we where pissed off at the people who got into the finals so for therapy we drifted to your site were we LAUGHED OUR HEADS OFF at the designs and your as i would put as CREATIVE way of explaining them. As for the infamous ANYNNOMOUS I think you took to his/her comments fantastically. And quite frankly who gives a crap if you diss a 6 year old it's FUNNY
    thanks for that entertaining post we are officialy cured,
    Thaks again
    Annie and Victoria.

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  61. Since I'm an old person.... (ie no longer in the land of too many hormones and not enough brain cells)... what is a "pov site"?
    Seriously... little girls should learn to articulate proper arguements before trying to play with the grown ups....
    But it made for some amusement at my desk.

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  62. Harem pants are stylish while also allowing for comfort and elegant design. Harem pants are back and they're the next big thing in the world of fashion.

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