Monday, August 06, 2007

Australian Idol 07 wrap up: Audition Episodes 1 & 2

Get out your Holden wigs, start practicing your Marcia ebonics and open your Whitney Houston songbook to page 134 (I Have Nothing) - IT'S IDOL TIME, BEEYATCHES!

And how do I know it's Idol time? Because I signed up here like a big old nerd and now I get an SMS reminder on my mobile half an hour before the show starts each week. Not that I'll actually NEED those, having had the entire program tattooed in reverse on my forehead (so all I have to do is look in the mirror, or the back of a spoon, and I'll know when to drop everything and run to the telly).

Oh yes. I am an Idol tragic. And once again I'll be blogging the entire series for your reading pleasure, and my late night pain. Do you know how long these things TAKE?

Anyway, 2007 looks like it's going to be a BLOCKBUSTER year for Idol, what with the return of Dicko (all hail the Dick), the rise of the guitar-playing contestant (shuddup, Lisa Mitchell wannabes), and a brand new porn 'stache for Andrew G (ooh, kinky). Although they still haven't updated those 1980s TRON graphics in the opening credits, so there's still room for improvement.

Episode one kicks off with the obligatory montage of former Idol stars and forgotten losers (Amali anyone? Apparently she works for Rexona now), with approximately .0008 seconds worth of Casey Donovan footage. Casey who? Exactly, and Sony would prefer it if you kept it that way, thank you.

Then there's the obligatory montage of people singing that you're going to see again in about 20 minutes, so try not to remember too much of it and OH MY GOD, SOMEONE'S ALREADY SINGING SUPERSTITION. LESS THAN FIVE MINUTES IN AND WE ALREADY HAVE A SUPERSTITION, PEOPLE.

That puts the Stevie Wonder count at one, people.


Moving right along and OH MY GOD, NOW THERE'S A WHITNEY. A SUPERSTITION FOLLOWED BY A WHITNEY? DOES THAT COUNT AS DOUBLE?


I told you it'd be a bumper Idol year, didn't I? The only thing that could possibly follow that sort of start is a ripper quote. Luckily, Dicko is back in full force.

"You sing like someone's shoving a red hot poker up your jacksy."


Want another? Ok:

"Bloody hell where'd you get those teeth? Makybe Diva?"


Ah, how I've missed Dicko.

But enough of that! It's time to head to Queensland, home of Bobby "I like to explore myself, and indeed, society, musically" Flynn, for the first round of what are surely to be woeful auditions. First up is a cute, promising looking blonde girl called Elka, who sings Jewel's Foolish Games like she's trying to raise the dead. It's highly creepy. Holden outright laughs at her and sarcastically tells her he loves it, but then has to pretend he's not lying so she doesn't break down and kill herself. Dicko tells her it's the kind of song a crazy old lady with alzheimers would sing. Elka leaves confused.

Then there's Adam who keeps his iPod on and sings like a bootleg tape of Eddie Vedder that's been left on a hot dashboard for 8 hours and then played on the wrong speed. Good onya, Adam.

Clearly the money from that lucrative Denton interview deal has disappeared already, as Phil from Grinspoon has also turned up to audition:


See what ice can do to a person, kids?


He gives Dead Cat x 3 a good Aussie go, but his dreams are crushed when Kyle dismisses him as derivative.

Then there's Tanya, whose act consists of standing behind a keyboard and screaming Kelly Clarkson lyrics, one of which includes "Where do we go when we are dead?" - right here, by the looks of it. Bye Tanya.

Time for another top quote? Here you go, this time it's from Kyle:

"If it was legal to rip your throat out I would do it."


SHAZAM! Moving on to Breanna, who looks and sounds like Regina Spektor and Lisa Mitchell's lovechild, with her crazy red stockings, her guitar, and that mental institution haircut that everyone seems to be getting these days DESPITE THE FACT THAT IT DOESN'T LOOK COOL, IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE FROM A MENTAL INSTITUTION. I'm talking about this shit:


RUN, FORREST, RUN.


Anyway, Breanna gives a very cute and quirky performance, which makes me think she's going to go all Lisa Mitchell when she gets to Sydney and betray us all by constantly wearing ballet flats and leggings and singing about "diamends on the inside", and so secretly I already hate her. Holden is, of course, mesmerised. Here we go again...

By this time it becomes quite clear that there are three distinct types of audition.

1. The iPod: Put your headphones in and sing along. Make sure to hum or look awkward during the instrumental breaks. It's ok, the judges don't mind waiting.

2. The ostrich: If you close your eyes really tight and sing, it's like you're all alone in your bedroom. Like every night.

3. The screamer: Pick a spot on the wall, stare at it, and yell.


On the Gold Coast we meet Mr Orange (Tim Roth narrowly beat him for the part in Reservoir Dogs), otherwise known as Jordan, that guy with the really bad fake tan. He's auditioned in previous years but, as he explains, he "didn't cut the cheese the last time", so he's back to try again. Presumably he's eaten some Mexican in preparation for this round. He looks like a cross between Tex Perkins and Teen Wolf. Despite this, and despite owning the worst suit in Australia AND having a lisp, he gets through to Sydney. Go figure.

Off to Rockhampton, and someone cracks out a bit of Hallelujah, putting our first run on the board for Jeff Buckley this Idol season.


(Yeah, yeah, I KNOW it's Leonard Cohen, but let's just call it Buckley OK? We'll clock up more runs that way, trust me)


Next we meet Angela, whose Idol audition preparation appears to have been a rather large bottle of Johnnie Walker. She's 29, looks startlingly like mosh girl, and has pretty much no talent whatsoever.


"I appeared on WHAT TV show? Oyyyy......"


Angela's written her own motivational notes to prepare her for her time in front of the judges, which basically amounts to one A4 sheet of paper with "bla bla bla" written on it. No, I'm actually being serious.


The first lesson of Idol is: Try not to sit next to someone much better looking than you who happens to be wearing the same thing. You will come off the worse.


Somehow, all of this careful preparation still results in Holden giving her a resounding "NO!" before she's even started her rendition of Heaven is a Place on Earth. I think it's time for a Dicko quote, don't you?

"The problem is, you can't sing and you look dog rough, and it's not going to work."


That pretty much sums it up.

Next up is some putz called Dylan with an Arctic Monkeys haircut and a stupid song about wanting to root his best friend's mum that somehow makes himthe darling of the judging panel. Even HE is surprised to get a pass to Sydney.

Next up: The ethnic contingent. There's Angel, the Mexican sopie star who sings Killing Me Softly exactly the way Chris Tucker's character would have in The Fifth Element...


"OOOOOOH Corbin, Corbin, Corbin my man, they be killin' me softleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!"


...there's Angelo, the 30-year-old Italian Stallion who sings Andrea Bocelli exactly the way Kramer would have in that Seinfeld episode where everyone mistakes him for a retard, and there's 'Noodleass', the Korean rapper who swears God thinks he's "off the chain". Oh, and there's a guy dressed as a banana playing Smoke on the Water. That's sort of ethnic, right?

Moving on to Cleo, the girl the judges dub "too beautiful for Idol". She's 21, she can sing, she can play the guitar and she's utterly gorgeous. Of course the judges hate her.

"I was disappointed," says Kyle, as he takes another swig on his bottle of CRAZY JUICE.

"I'll say yes, but only because I think you're gorgeous," says Dicko, before popping a few more INSANITY PILLS.

Too beautiful for Idol? Judging by past winners, they kind of have a point, I guess.

  


WOO WOO! Idol train is moving on to Darwin kiddies, hop on board! And look, there's sunny little Jess Mauboy!

"Who wants to follow in MY footsteps?" she beams, as hundreds of screaming contestants mob her from behind. Clearly all of them want to follow in her footsteps of making it to the final 12, releasing an obligatory crap album and then fading into obscurity. Yay!

The Darwin auditions are boring as batshit, save for the cross dresser from Tennant Creek that prompts Holden to do his best retarded redneck impression...


Yee-haw!


...and the guy with minus zero charisma called John who plays an original song called The Fear.


Yes, it's giving me The Fear too.


Despite the lyrics going something like "The fear, the fear is here, the fear, the fear is here" Holden proclaims it as the best original song he's heard in five years and gives him a golden ticket to Sydney.

I think we need another quote up in here. Let's take one from a random crying Idol reject:

"It was a good experience, but I'd never do it again."


Another? Ohhh alright:

"I thought I was special but, like, obviously I'm not."


We end episode one with Jasmine, a cheery girl with a positive attitude and the greasiest scrubber hair I've seen on television in months. Seriously, what is with scrubbers and flattened down, greasy hair? If you're called a scrubber you might as well fucking scrub something.

Episode two opens in Adelaide, home of Guy "What the hell has happened to him - I mean I know he released Elevator Love recently but seriously, he's practically disappeared" Sebastian. Ahhh Radelaide. Adelaide auditions are made even more exciting by the fact that you're highly likely to see someone you know. Or at least the Casio Brothers. As usual.

We kick off with 19 year old Julie, who impresses everyone by singing a song born of that OTHER, LESS SUCCESSFUL TV talent quest, Popstars - she gives us a bit of Poison. Or rather, "Poishon", as Julie puts it, for Julie has a lisp. Oh well.

It becomes fairly obvious fairly quckly that Radelaide is more like Badelaide, or perhaps more accurately, Suckselaide, because none of the auditionees seem to have a skerrick of talent between them. And they're not even BAD bad, they're just...bad.

Time for some manufactured conflict, methinks: Marcia creates an argument with a pizzamaker called Adam who looks like the unfortunate offspring of Freddie Mercury, Super Mario and Prince. No one knows what this argument is about, but it involves Marcia looking very serious, so we can probably assume it has something to do with being true to yourself or feeling the music or something.

Time for another Dicko quote, I reckon:

"If you think that was alright, you've got delusions of adequacy."


HE SHOOTS, HE SCORES!

There's a cute blonde Christina Aguilera-style wailer and yet another ballet-flat wearing Lisa Mitchell wannabe, who both get tickets to Sydney before we shoot off to Perth and meet Ben, a testosterone-filled, flag-waving "AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE" type who wouldn't look out of place in file news footage of the Cronulla riots. He sings the Fremantle Dockers song. In an event that doesn't surprise anyone, he doesn't get in.

Then there's Lana, who apparently played Cosette in Les Miserables when she was 11 and clearly can't let go, as she's doing On My Own. She's very cute and quirky looking, but meh. She's not half as exciting as Winda, who sings Genie in a Bottle but manages to turn it into Hooker in Cheap Shoes. Dicko?

"When you sang that it sounded like a barn collapsing."


Ooh that felt good. Let's have another:

"If the end of the world had a soundtrack, it would sound like her."


Then there's Sheree, the "Mother of Two" (isn't there ALWAYS a mother of two?) who does her audition cross legged on the ground (what, have they run out of chairs with there being four judges now? Or does Kyle need two to support his fat arse?) and then breaks down in tears about her children, and STILL gets through. Yeah, she's the Australian Idol guys, well spotted.

27 year old country singer Chad rounds out the Shannon Noll requirement, with a stupid cowboy hat and an American accent. Holden declares that "Australia will love him". We'll see about that.

Off to Kalgoorlie, the land of roadkill, red dust and scary women, where we find Tafadzwa, an African miner who blows up the ground for a living. He sings an African song. He sings it rather averagely. The judges pretend to be mesmerised and let him through to Sydney. Yawn. I would have enjoyed it more if he'd stuck a few rockets under Marcia and blown up the judging table while singing Pop Goes the Weasel, but each to his own, I guess.

Our final stop this episode is Freo, where we meet Jennifer, a rather chunky young lass who's obviously modelled herself on Pink in every way except as regards exercise and not eating KFC and yiroses all the time.

"You remind me of Pink's older sister, Stink," says Holden.

Not to be outdone, Dicko comes up with one last top quote for the night:

"When you're singing, it's like you enjoy the smell of your own farts too much."


See you next week kids, when we go to Sydney and (if the promo is anything to go by) we get to up our Stevie Wonder count by at least one! Huzzah!



16 comments :

  1. Brilliant! I agree with you on everything except the cute song about the mother love and Cleo - does Australia need another Lisa Mitchell? I think we all know that the answer is a resounding 'no'.

    By the way, The Greatest Thing To Come Out Of Australia Musically is releasing an EP. *shudder*

    Also, Sophie Monk's teeth are ENORMOUS!

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  2. Petra - you are seriously the funniest person I know. I will continue to check in each week so you don't feel as if your time-consuming wrap-ups are falling on deaf ears....or something like that.....
    BTW - I love Dicko.

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  3. Petra - I never knew you existed until now. You put my Idol blogging to shame. Nice work.

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  4. Er, is it technically possible to ruin Whitney Houston? And obviously that guy with his own guitarist doing The Fear is this year's Mutto minus the personality. (Yes, that was irony.)

    All told, I think I'm going to find it quite easy to resist Idol this year, Dicko or not. That circle-jerk of an opening to the first auditions episode was truly sick-making and made me feel like I needed a shower.

    I do, however, continue to marvel at the plague of delusion that's afflicting this country. Don't you worry, little ones. It doesn't matter that you're fat, ugly and CAN'T SING, you can has Australian Idol cheezburger too.

    /rant

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  5. Mutto! I forgot about him! What is with Idol and all the mega bogan men? Mutto, Noll, the Murphy brothers...it's too much.

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  6. Hi Petra - nice work as usual. Can I just add my bit? I will:

    I like Dicko;
    I HATE Kyle;
    But not as much as the 'mental institution' hair-cutted, red-stockinged, 'i'm quirky and individual' fuckstick with the guitar ... I seriously can't stand chicks like this, they are so ironically stock-standard, non-individualistic; not to mention highly irritating.

    She did have a good voice though.

    KS

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  7. Did you see that mother of two was 24? ON WHAT PLANET?!

    I actually liked the red stockinged girl but HATED the red stockings - see through red stockings with red flats makes no sense (not even to the mother of two).

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  8. petstarr, you and dicko are responsible for luring me back, kicking and screaming, to another series of idol. i thought i was reformed.

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  9. Petstarr you're a bloody legend. I'm at work with a cold having lunch at my desk and you made me laugh so much pumpkin soup nearly came out of my nose.

    Bless you.

    I hate Kyle. Surely he's going to look like a bigger fuckstick than usual with his attempts at humour now that the Dick-man is back. Go Dicko! Boo Kyle!

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  10. ohh i'm so glad idol is back ... i love your wrap ups as much as i love watching !!!

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  11. This is the BEST Idol blog on the net. I put up links to it everywhere 'cause the people have to read this stuff.....by law.

    No matter how good the talent is Kyle will turn it into a freak show and the contestants will go along with him. Expect this years Deano taking his shirt off midsong and lots of freakish falsettos and half the final 12 being born again. I can't wait :)

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  12. SHE'S BACK!

    I should probably actually watch Australian Idol.

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  13. t-hee hee, that was a fundamentally funny wrap up petstarr. I give you 10 points for the nutflush on the screwjack and a slap down on the flat shuffle but unfortunately I have to detract points for the Adelaide jokes. Not because I'm against bagging Adelaide, but Suckselaide? (Insert withering Dicko comeback here).

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  14. audrey - I have heard aforementioned EP. In fact, courtesy of work, I can actually say I own a copy. It's all that you think it would be.

    chantel - Get out there and tell some other people, dammit!

    Scott - Awwww, no need to put yourself down there! The more Idol bloggers the merrier, I say. As long as everyone only reads mine.

    redcap - I did consider that actually (about Whitney) but I figure it IS possible to do Whitney well. As for abandoning Idol - don't do it! Such musical (and non musical) joys await...

    KS - I agree, girls like that shit me too. Problem is so many of them hang out at the Exeter.

    enny - I knoooow! Those see thru red stockings just screamed $2 shop, didn't they?

    susanna - Welcome back, my love!

    easily confused - If only you had taped that and put it on youtube, it would have gotten a million hits. Easily.

    kathryn - Yay!!! Thanks for the compliments.

    mylene - Excellent! I love it when people do my spruiking for me.

    jacques - Isn't it illegal to not watch Idol on Sundays?

    raoul duke - What's wrong with Suckselaide? Sure, it's no nutflush on the screwdownelaide, but it'll do.

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  15. jacques - YOU SHOULD BE DEPORTED!

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