Step over Adelaide, there's a new contender for least talented capital city this Idol season, and it's MELBOURNE! Congrats Melbourne, you guys really sucked this year.
But before we go any further, let's say hi to our judges, who this week are a little more ANIMATED than usual:
Ha ha ha, ANIMATED. Get it? Get it?
Ah, the Simpsonizer. You have GOT to try this thing. I especially like how Kyle turned out a bit like George Michael. THE SIMPSONIZER NEVER LIES.
So, it's back to Melbourne to meet our first contestant, Andrew. I didn't have time to Simponize him, but if I did he'd probably turn out a bit like Ralph Wiggum, aged 32. He sings Amazing Grace. It is not amazing.
"I've been singing ever since I was three," he says. What IS amazing is that no one has ever asked him to stop.
Apparently Andrew's been serenading passers by on the street recently, and all of them have told him how wonderful he sounds.
"Where's this?" asks Dicko.
"In the street," says Andrew.
"What, the street outside that deaf school?"
Nice, Dicko, nice.
Moving right along and YES! OH YES! WOO HOO!
I don't know who he was or whether he got through to Sydney, but he sang Superstition and that puts Stevie ahead of Jeff and Whitney by one. PLACE YOUR BETS NOW!
Steven's up next with a bit of You Give Love a Bad Name. He's rather creatively decided to Give the Chorus a Bad Word, which he screams out rather loudly. Needless to say, Marcia is unimpressed.
"I am not impressed>"
Then there's the obligatory beatboxing duos, Zeb and Joseph and Tej and Esan. They're both crap, but the judges pretend to be highly entertained by their gurgling and spitting. Guys - didn't you get the memo? This year is guitar year. Beatboxing year was 2005.
It seems this year is also electric keyboard year (I know, try to remain calm, it surely can't last), with every third contestant whipping out their Korg faster than uncle Alfonso at cousin Connie's wedding reception. Jared (who looks rather like a mutated version of Michael Keaton in Beetlejuice) is the next contestant to oblige, and gives us a bit of what he likes to call his "rapsicles". This turns out to be a bit of wailing over some tragic piano playing, and has nothing whatsoever to do with rap, or icicles.
We haven't had a Dicko quote yet, have we? How about this one:
He's followed by Natalie who, fortunately, doesn't look a thing like Michael Keaton but does seem to own the ugliest vinyl jacket in Australia. This wouldn't really be a problem, except that she happens to be wearing it. She also happens to own the biggest electric keyboard in Australia, and once the semi trailer carrying it has dropped it off in the audition room and it has been winched into place, she starts doing an Alicia Keys impression on it. Apparently it's an original song. Apparently this is also the performance that has been touted on the ads all week as having taken the judges' collective breath away. Unfortunately not away for long enough to hospitalise Kyle for the rest of the series, but enough to make Dicko pull out the "I think you can win this competition" line for the first time this year. He follows it up by saying she's the "total package". Oh no. Kiss of death for Natalie, buh-bye!
Next up is Karla, who's rocked up to the audition with her mum. Oh sorry, I meant performance coach and media adviser. As she comes out of the audition room speechless with excitement, mum is there to put the words into her mouth.
"I just feel...wow, I feel..."
("Say it's my dream, it's my dream...")
"Oh it's my dream, and it's just, wow, it's..."
("Say it's overwhelming...")
"It's so overwhelming, and...um..."
("Say my mum is my inspiration...go on, say mum is my inspiration...say it like we practised...LIKE WE PRACTISED!!")
Good onya Karla. Life's so much easier when someone else comes up with your opinions for you. Kyle would know - up until last week he'd been borrowing Dicko's for a whole year!
Next up is Donna. Donna says she's 30. Donna is clearly full of shit.
Sporting a red suede fedora, a low cut top that reveals her sunspots, and a tragic figure hugging outfit, this ain't mutton dressed as lamb, this is mutton dressed as Donna from Melbourne. And that's far worse.
"I fooled youse all, I'm actually 44!" she yells triumphantly as she walks out of the audition room. Given that the roughest estimate of her age came in at about 57, we're not quite sure how she actually fooled anyone, but she seems to be happy and that's the important thing. And we won't ever be seeing her on television again, which is even MORE important.
Then there's Julie, who starts off well by announcing she's sent her demo CD to every major label and radio station in Australia and been rejected by all of them. Oh goody, can't wait to hear your stuff, Jules. On her entry form she's listed her occupation as "music person", which I think we can all assume means "unemployed but REALLY wants to work in a CD shop". She does a truly awful version of Always on My Mind with a bit of interpretative dance thrown in, and ends on a high note that could cut glass.
Time for a Dicko quote:
Brilliantly summed up. But Kyle's not to be outdone:
Sadly, Jules doesn't get through, although I look forward to seeing her in next year's off-Broadway production of Vinegar Tits - The Musical.
Then there's Greggy (yes, that's his real name) who looks like Lou Diamond Phillips' gay halfbreed cousin. Kyle describes him as "boring and weird". Elegantly put. Although he doesn't look quite as weird as Andrew G, who we cut to sitting in front of a ferris wheel in a hoodie that looks like it's been thrown up on by a muppet on a Smarties binge. The technicolour yawn has never been so smartly displayed.
Moving on to Jack, who's dressed like he's on his way to an 1800s American colonial funeral on the goldfields, and who sings "a poppy rocky original" with lyrics about running, or guns, or something. Maybe he's singing about how he lost his time machine and can't get back to the Wild West where he belongs. Whatever, Kyle says he likes his look, and he gets a trip to Sydney.
Then there's Jack II, who bored everyone in 2006 by being a bit pudgy and singing a crap song. This year he's lost weight and buffed up, but he's still singing the same crap song. Pity about that. Marcia tells him he needs to consider the melody and rhythm of the song he's singing. He asks her to write that down so he can take it back to his singing teacher. A word of advice, Jack: If your singing teacher needs to be TOLD to teach you about melody and rhythm, it's time to get a new one.
By this time I'm getting a bit antsy - only one Superstition, not a skerrick of Whitney and hardly any gold Dicko quotes. What's going on here? Is Melbourne sucking everyone's will to live? I mean, more than usual?
Speaking of the will to live, here's Anthony, who looks like he's full of it. The will to live, I mean. He's got a bandaged head, a leg in a cast and he's getting around in a wheelchair - the result of an "altercation with a bouncy castle". Um, excuse me? You fought a bouncy castle and you LOST? Anyway he's surprisingly good and he looks a bit like a sexy young Cary Elwes. Until he takes off his head bandage, after which he looks a bit like Adam Gilchrist.
Yep, one of those.
He gets through - can't wait to see how he's going to cope with the choreographed dance routines in Sydney. It'll be WHEELY interesting to see how he copes with that. Har har.
Then there's Matthew, who looks like a cross between an extra from the Addams Family and one of the members of Kings of Leon. I don't know what he sang, I was too busy cowering behind the couch.
Next up is Siki Daha. After approximately seven and a half hours of Holden paying out his name in various ways ("Sicky? Ah-HA! Mickey? Sicky? Gahhh! Argh!! Dicki?") he rips out a lovely bit of Norah Jones and puts everyone in their place. He's bringin' siki back. Daha.
Finally we leave the cesspool of broken dreams that is Melbourne and move on to Mildura, where approximately four people have turned up to audition (hey, there's fruit to pick! Leave them alone). One of these is Jesse, who launches into an extremely creepy song about cleavage, and rubbing up against people in a crowd "to feel the bulges in their pants start to rise".
Insert uncomfortable silence here.
Insert Marcia's moral outrage here.
"I am morally outraged."
Whoever told Jesse this song was a good idea - GOOD FOR YOU! It really set her apart from the crowd as the one creepy, perverted country girl I'm sure she wants to be nationally recognised as for the rest of her life.
Clearly turned on by all this talk of bulging pants and cleavage, Dicko tells her she's got "one of the best voices we've heard all week" and sends her packing to Sydney. Make sure you pack your wonderba, Jesse.
Obviously she's the sole person in Mildura with any musical talent, so we piss off to Tasmania to meet Dwayne, who turns out to be the sole person in Tasmania with any musical talent. Good onya Dwayne! He plays the guitar and sings some sort of ballad. Holden gets emotional. Marcia says it was "one of the best voices I've heard in years". So screw you, Damien Leith, you didn't deserve to win.
Back to Melbourne (sigh, I know, it's almost over, don't worry) and there's a guy dressed as a tree singing a protest song. No one protests when Kyle attacks him with a chainsaw. Then there's a guy dressed as spiderman who's obviously ripped his Spidey suit in an unfortunate place as they've had to blur out his crotch. Maybe he was exposing a bit too much of his fifth leg? Or had he leaked a bit of his webbing fluid? Maybe he's been hanging out with Jesse from Mildura and her cleavage a bit too much. Whatever it is, he doesn't get through.
Then there's Husny, who looks like a cross between Prince, Captain Jack Sparrow and Robert Smith. Appealing, no? But actually he sounds ok. Well, better than the tree, anyway. Holden labels him "borderline goonie" and lets him through to Sydney, saying it will be fascinating to watch him crash and burn. Well, there's confidence for you.
Finally we have Jacob, a scruffy young lad who will obviously fill out the Chris Murphy "sweat-and-yell" role for this year. He announces he'll be singing Oasis' Don't Look Back in Anger.
"FUCK OFF!" I and my Idol sidecar Raoul Duke yell in unison.
He doesn't sing so much as yell, and despite having a guitar hung around his neck he doesn't so much play it as tap it listlessly with his fingers.
"What, a guitar, you say? Oh no no no, this here's me old tap box. Me grand daddy gave it to me when I was just seven years old. Funny - everyone thinks it's a guitar! I dunno what those strings are for, I've never used them...."
Obviously blinded by lack of sleep, Dicko tells him he's just what the judges are looking for. Somehow, Screamy-Taps McScruff gets through to Sydney.
In the absence of any more gold Dicko quotes, have one from another random crying contestant:
She may not be, but Melbourne certainly has been this year, and one with a crap punchline at that. The entire city may as well be a knock knock joke as told by a three year old after that tragic effort. Even Adelaide wasn't that bad.
Tune in again soon, when the BC brings you Monday's episode 4 wrap up - I think there's another Whitney on the way!