Monday, August 13, 2007

Australian Idol 07 wrap up: Audition Episode 4

A debate has long raged between the metropoli (ises?) of Sydney and Melbourne as to which is the better capital city.

"We're smarter!" says Melbourne.
"But we're sexier!" says Sydney.
"What are youse two talkin' about?" says Hobart.
"Shuudddddupppp!" yells Darwin.

But tonight, I think we can finally lay that argument to rest. After Melbourne's lacklustre effort last night it was time for Sydney to STEP UP and BRING ITS A GAME and GET RIGHT IN THE POCKET and all those other phrases the judges like to use, and I'm proud to say it did. So Sydney wins. Now listen to Darwin and SHUDDUUUUPPP.

Sydney kicks off with Tina, a 30 year old with nothing better to do than perform like a moron on national television in her pyjamas and dressing gown. She sings a sucky song about Idol and the judges and Channel Ten in a desperate bid to be used on the promo. She even throws in a "seriously". Seriously. If I have to see that every adbreak I'm going to complain to the Advertising Standards Bureau.

Hang on, what's that? Is it...? Could it be...? That lilting music underneath the montage of losers...is it...IT IS!


Three, oh it's the magic number...


What a great start to the show! Let's move on to even better things in Darren (or is it Damien? I can't quite read my writing because I was shaking with fear at the time). Darren sings George Michael's Faith just like Jonothan Davis from Korn would, if Jonothan Davis were trying to do an impression of what Marilyn Manson would sound like if he ever joined Yothu Yindi. Needless to say, it isn't the most awesome combination ever. Kyle, aka Captain Obvious, brands him "different".

But not quite as different as Elizabeth, aka "Wildcat", who's up next. Dressed like a librarian whose idea of a hot night in involves a box of lite Tim Tams and the latest Harry Potter book, she's about as far from "wildcat" as you can get. She hands out a few CDs to the judges, explaining that she wrote the songs, but not the music. That is, she wrote the lyrics, but her teacher from TAFE did the music. That is to say, her teacher adapted some Elton John songs for her, and she put her new lyrics to them. So really, she's basically just gone and rewritten some Elton John songs. Then she tells everyone she's sorry she had to leave her house at home, cos it got water damaged and she had no insurance. What house? The cardboard house she wore on her head to sing Give Me A Home Among the Gum Trees at the local RSL's karaoke competition a month ago. Then she announces she's got 90 cats at her house (presumably not the water damaged cardboard one) before launching into a medley of Leader of the Pack, Boogie Wonderland and Heartbreak Hotel.

What. The. Fuck? Let's let Kyle handle this one:

"It's not the same vibe without the cardboard house."


Exactly. Then there's Joseph who looks rather a lot like the Numa Numa kid doing Robbie Williams' Angels. How I wish he had channeled James Blunt and loved a few Angles instead.

Kyle?

"What a pathetic time wasting clown you turned out to be."


Too right. Time for Cody, the serial flasher, who has managed to bare his arse on several seasons of Idol already - and he's clearly not stopping now!

"That reminds me, I must post that letter," says Dicko as Cody bends over to give us a bit of Air on a G String.

Moving along and...no, it can't be! We haven't even had the first adbreak yet! But it is! IT IS!!!



Some scrawny redneck has cracked out the Hallelujah, yee-haw! Excellent stuff. Let's move on to Tarisai, a rather cute looking black chick that Holden immediately dubs "Tiramisu".

"Oh, look at the lovely way she just greeted us!" he marvels.

Yes Holden, she can speak English you know. And HOW - she even belts out a bit of I Have Nothing to prove it. You know what that means...


I have two, two, TWOOOOOOO!!!!!!!


She's certainly got a voice, there's just... a little too much of it. She's really just yelling, let's face it. The judges lose their tiny minds over little Tiramisu but I just want her to have a cup of tea and a nice lie down. Needless to say she gets through to Sydney. Great, there's even more Whitney ahead of us.

Then there's country boy Alexander with a charming song about a girl and her "honky tonk badonka-donk". Somehow, Marcia doesn't find this as offensive as Jess from Mildura's song about making men's pants bulge with her cleavage. Clearly it's all about the rhyme - if only Jess had sung about how "their pantsy-wants start to bulgey-wulge", Marcia probably would have called her "grrl" and said "That's what I'm talkin' BOUT" and stuff. Oh well, live and learn. Holden?

"You're beedonkey donk stunk."


Right on. Then there's Daniel (or is it Donkey from Shrek?) who almost gives his mobile number out on national television before embarrassing himself in front of the judges with an awful rendition of something horrific. I think we can safely say that even if he HAD given his number out on national TV, it might not have rung for a long time. Kyle?

"As for your look - we haven't had anyone present themselves as a purse snatcher yet, so well done, that's original."


Ouch. Next up is Adam, who looks like a tomato in a viking wig. He describes his voice with one word: "love". The rest of Australia describes it with another word: "crap". He sings Farnham's You're The Voice and proves conclusively that he isn't.

Then the producers decide it's about time we had someone with a modicum of talent, so they give us Rosie Ribbons. Yes, her name is Rosie Ribbons. She's cute, blonde, 23 and apparently came sixth in UK Idol. SO SHE'S A LOSER. Just getting that straight. She sings something about butterflies, it's pretty, Marcia says she "has game", no one knows what she means, we all move on.

Then there's Benjamin, who Holden automatically dubs "Benji Mac". Tiramisu gives him a sad wave and a knowing nod from the corner. Benji is 16 and sounds like he's just run three blocks for the bus and is being forced to sing for his fare. He'll probably be a big hit with the little girls.

Next up we meet Jason, who describes himself as being "from the ghetto", which, in Jason's world, is the suburb of Canterbury. Never mind, he's singing a SEXAY song, and Marcia is not happy.

"Let me lick you up and down, til you say stop," woos Jason.

"Let me play with your body baby, make you real hot."


"I will not be getting freaky with ANYONE."


Jason climbs up on the judging table but Marcia's moral outrage is at maximum power, and she engages her Marcial Kombat power move - tipping the table over and breaking all the mugs, as well as Jason's sense of self esteem.

Don't mess with Marcia, dude.

Moving along, and next we have Daniel, who looks like a werewolf in a scarf. Apparently I'm the only one to think so though, as all the judges positively wet themselves over "his look". He lists one of his musical idols as Stevie Wonder. That counts as one.


Stevie is SO going to win this.


Daniel cracks out a bit of Jimi and does Little Wing, which sends Marcia into raptures (because, you know, she's the only black musician on the panel and therefore practically IS Jimi Hendrix). He sounds pretty sexy. Marcia says he brough Jimi into the 21st century. Yeah, cos we'd all forgotten about Hendrix until now. Thank god for Daniel. Anyway, he gets through. Yay.

Next up is Lyell Adonis. Yes, that's his real name. And no, it's not a mistake - the boy is HOTT. But what's this? Oh for fuck's sake, seriously?


Guess which song it is?


If you guessed Hallelujah, you get a lollipop. Honestly, what is with that goddamn song? Even Jon Anchovy's done it.


Anyway, Adonis is ace, we love him, he's through.

Then there's a series of blokes dressed as women, including a guy who called himself "Cher-ific" ("Hor-ific" might have been closer to the truth) who does what else but Turn Back Time. Honestly, Husny the Jack Sparrow lookalike from Melbourne looks more like Cher than this guy.

And from a bloke in drag pretending to straddle a cannon and sing to sailors, where else can we go but to an actual navy recruit - Carl, the trumpeter. And ladies, he can blow my trumpet any time. HELLO Carl. Apparently his last audience was in Iraq, but given that Marcia's currently got a hankering for flipping over furniture he might find this a bit tougher. He sings a bit of Michael Buble. He is hot. The judges say something. He is still hot. He gets through to Sydney. He is hot.

I'm just going to take a quick break here to say ARE WE GOING TO BE FORCED TO ENDURE THAT FUCKING PASCALL SWEETIES AD EVERY 15 MINUTES UNTIL THE END OF THE SERIES, BECAUSE IF WE DO I'M GOING TO HAVE TO DO SOMETHING DRASTIC. It's the one where the mum is singing in the kitchen and her precocious child judges her efforts, Holden style. Every time I hear that fucking woman singing "Meeee-eee-eeeee!" I know how the judges feel. Anyway, she's not a (shoulder) patch on the chick in this Pascall's ad:


Moving along, and some mong has decided to sing Mariah Carey's Hero for about the 500 millionth time this series (and we're only at episode four!), prompting Holden to hara-kiri himself. Hooray! Oh, he was just pretending. Never mind.

Then it's time to say hello to a familiar face, with the return of Angela "dog rough"!


She's baa-aaaack!


And this time she's brought her sister along. They do a duet of Lean On Me and actually, they're not even that bad. Really. Have I lost my mind? Let's see what Dicko thinks of the situtation:

"You're either taking the piss, or you're mental, or both."


It's quite likely they're the latter, as neither of them will stop singing except to comment on what a ridiculous name "Dicko" is, or to collapse in laughter. Somewhere, Angela's nanna is missing her medication. Any final words, Dicko?

"It's like watching Jerry Springer with a headache."


Speaking of familiar faces, Cindy the BLOODY BORING AS ALL GET OUT "mother of two" is back again for her third go. She's been traipsing around the country getting rejected in various cities. Doesn't she have kids to look after or something? She sings Black Velvet. I wish I knew how she went, but I was so bored I fell asleep about the point she got to the "little boy's smile". Holden proclaims her "dull", claiming the Captain Obvious title from Kyle.

I only properly wake up at the next adbreak, in which I am subjected to a full screen photograph of a pile of cat's vomit daubed with avocado... Oh no wait, sorry, it's the $9.90 chicken caesar salad at Cafe Crappo. Whatever it is, it's shocked me right awake, as we hoon on into the final segment.

There's Jareth, who valiantly tries a bit of Mika's Grace Kelly and almost explodes (nice try dickhead, why don't you give The Darkness a go next year?), and Junior who is hot to trot, even if he is singing Thirsty Merc. Shudder. There's also Marty, who is 20. And hot.

Ok, is Sydney where all hot boys go to grow up or something? Shouldn't there be some law about even distribution of hotness throughout the country? I may put that to Kevin '07.

Anyway it's finally time for our last auditionee for 2007! Hurrah! Meet 16 year old Matt, who looks like a cross between Dean Geyer and Hamish Blake. Which, as we know, equals HOTT and CUTE! Matt brings the "grrr" and "awww" factors together in a way science previously never thought possible. And guess what song he does?

Yes. Oh yes he does.


I AM starting to get a bit superstitious now...


But it's not all tragic - he plays it on his guitar, and he's a pretty hot guitarist for 16. Oh Matt, oh yeah.

Clearly Matt's already won this whole thing so there's probably no point in coming back for the next episode...but I shall anyway! Onward and upward, and thank GOD for Sydney!



8 comments :

  1. The next elimination stage looks completely awesome as well. I can't wait to see who that guy is that yelled, "I hate you!" to the judges.

    I suspect it may be Benji 'No Balls' Mac.

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  2. I missed last night's show and MARCIA TIPPED OVER THE TABLE and Angela came back. Bloody hell, I have to get my priorities sorted.

    Sigh.

    Excellent recap PetStarr, you funny woman.

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  3. Um,

    I totally thought Benji was a lesbian.

    Oh well!

    This recap is hilarious, and i love reading out random bits of it to whomever is sitting near/in close proximity to me. For some reason they never find it as funny when I say it, but still.

    Keep up the good work.

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  4. Yeah, I don't mind the Pascal ad for Mother Idol, its the Clinkers ad with Lee fucking Harding that is currently harshing my gig hardcore. He MUST be stopped.

    Love your work . . .

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  5. audrey - I suspect that might be a case of tricky editing... but we'll see.

    ec - Now you know how I felt when I missed Disco Deano's double backflip on Idol last year. Twice.

    bec - A lesbian? Really? Ha ha ha! That is the greatest thing I've ever heard!

    talullahbelle - I think I'm the only avid Idol watcher to have missed those Lee Harding ads... Is he even still around?:

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  6. Why don't I live in Australia??
    I need to see this for myself!! hmm, maybe it's up for download somewhere?
    hilarious recap =)

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  7. Hey Stiletto - you can check out some of the tragic vids at the official site (www.australianidol.com.au)

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  8. I'm pissed that I missed Monday night's show - but loving your recap. Bring on tonights show!

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