Sunday, August 19, 2007

Australian Idol 07 wrap up: Sydney Part 1

Well folks, this is it. SYDNEY. The place where Idol dreams either come true, or are dashed against the fat rocks of Kyle Sandilands' indifference. The place where all the judges borrow Marcia's SERIOUS face at least once every 20 minutes. And the place where the phrases "make or break", "step up" and "bring your A game" are used at least once every 10 minutes.

The Idol hopefuls pour off the plane into the Australian Idol product placement cars and zoom off to the Australian Idol paid advertisement hotel where it appears that, for some of them, just opening the doors to their hotel rooms is a challenge. It's going to be a long two days.

Everyone quickly settles in: Shannon Noll Chad has a bath in his cowboy hat (that is, he sits in the bath with his cowboy hat on, he doesn't actually have a bath IN his cowboy hat) (although if he had done I'd suggest that would be enough to get him through to the next round), and Mr Orange (aka Jordan Paris) continues to push his own catchphrase in the hopes of turning himself into a character the Australian public actually likes, by putting a handwritten sign on his door reading I LOVE US!


I might as well mention at this point that Jordan has his own website on which he claims to "live life like a musical". To steal a joke from Audrey: Unless he either a) regularly sings the praises of Jellicles whilst licking himself and strutting, b) likes to sing about goatherds while climbing mountains in a nun's habit or c) gets about on rollerskates thinking he's a train, he is NOT living his life like any sort of musical I know. On the other hand, I did have to sit through the steaming pile of self-indulgence that was Everything's F**ked the other day, so if Jordan either likes TV, pizza and beer, knows how to use email or has Hepatitis C, he might be telling the truth after all. Would explain his skin colour at the very least.

Holden addresses the troops in the hotel lobby to inform them that the judges have overbooked the Idol aeroplane, and 40 of them need to transfer to another flight - to Losersville. Anyone slightly overweight or less than attractive is immediately shoved into "the bottom 40" and made to "sing for survival" in front of the judges.

Some dude called Atilio has an irony bypass and attemps a bit of You'll Never Walk Alone before walking alone, off the stage. Good one mate. Next time why don't you try a few bars of I'm Not as Good as I Sounded in My First Audition and really blow them away? Bye, Atilio.

Carl, the boogie woogie bugle boy from Company HOTT, tries a bit more Michael Buble (hmm, I'm starting to get bored now) and scrapes through by virtue of wearing a nice suit and doing some charismatic finger clicking. Oh, and being hot.

He does better than John of Adelaide, who gets rejected for something like the 35th time in Australian Idol history, and storms off crying "You spend all your life fighting for it, and this is how it goes. THIS IS MY LIFE!" Really? Being rejected once a year by some faded former pop stars and one fat radio host is your life? Forget singing mate, write a sitcom.

Off to an adbreak, and oh look, just for something different - it’s that bloody Pascall sweets commercial with the annoying mum and her strange Holden-like offspring. How amusing. Haven’t seen that ad about, ooh, A BAZILLION TIMES ALREADY.

And we’re back, and I reckon it’s about time for a quote, this time from a dim looking blonde who obviously got a two-for-one special on that irony bypass with Atilio:

"I’ve had so many emotions go through my brain in the last hour!"

Poor thing, I hope her brain copes with the extra neuron power required for that sort of thing (ie: thought).

Next up to audition is Daniel, aka the werewolf in a scarf, who takes us all back to the 90s with a bit of Badloves action. Which song? Come on, they only HAD one song. Green Limousine, obviously. He gets through.

The 90s theme continues with Marnie, who unfortunately thinks that doing 4 Non Blondes’ What’s Going On is going to get her anywhere. She thinks wrong.

Then there’s Sarah, who looks scarily like an Olsen twin (but without the crack addict eye makeup), doing Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy. The song, I mean, not OUR boogie woogie bugle boy, Carl. Not yet, anyway.

She’s followed by someone called Sally Van Der Zwart. Poor girl – she’ll never get her name in lights, what with all this concern over global warming. Can you imagine the cost of all those energy saver bulbs?

Andrew does a bit of Panic at the Disco, and panics. Next time try a song with even MORE lyrics per bar, mate, it’ll be much easier. Bye.

Mark, who apparently is an "expert" by virtue of having been in some crap band for a long time, starts off brilliantly by coughing into the microphone, and then follows it up with some screaming that is supposed to be a rendition of Evie. For some reason, everyone is impressed.

Time for another quote. Dicko?

"You absolutely blew that. You blew it. Step back in line, please."

OK, I know that’s not the greatest quote ever, but the guy he barked it at looked an awful lot like Wil Anderson, so it made me happy.

Yawn. Anyone else bored this episode? Yep, me too. Maybe I’ll have a sweetie, I’ve got this overwhelming urge for a Pascall marshmallow... Whoops, hang on, Holden and Kyle are having a fight! What the?

HOLDEN: "You work in a radio station, you enormous tool!"

KYLE: "You have your own weird old man opinion, I have mine."

DICKO: "Shut the fuck up."

No idea what that was about, but it was excellent. Right, let’s slide back into boringsville again with Shamara, who kills the judges loudly with Killing Me Softly. She takes approximately three hours to get to the good bit of the chorus, by which time they’ve already canned her.

"I have a beautiful voice and my nerves get the better of me every time," she wails.

Aw, that’s a pity then, isn’t it? Maybe you should consider a career in Bad Timing.

There’s quick shot of Jordan Paris punching the camera (perhaps he saw his own reflection?) and then we move onto Husny, everyone’s favourite eyeliner-wearing Jack Sparrow impersonator from Melbourne, who dispels all those gay rumours by singing Madonna. Good work, Husny! Next week you should try some Dorothy Garland or something.

Goody gumdrops, it’s time for another adbreak, and this time we’re treated to that fabulous envelope-pushing masterpiece that is the current Lynx deodorant campaign. Spray yourself with Lynx, and turn every woman within a five metre radius into a hamster-faced, gyrating porn star slut. What a GROUNDBREAKING concept. And so funny too! Makes me want to go out and buy my boyfriend a Nando’s chicken dinner.

Still, it's better than that one for Tim Tams where some stupid woman turns down a free wardrobe full of designer clothes and some hot genie sex for a $3 packet of biscuits. Christ, we women are easily pleased, aren't we?

We’re back, and down to 77 young people whose dreams are more than likely about to be dashed. Bring it on! There haven’t been nearly enough tears this episode.

Holden divides them all into mixed groups of four, and gives them a choice of three crap songs to learn straight from the MIX FM "best of the 70s, 80s, 90s and today" playlist: Boyz 2 Men’s End of the Road, ABBA’s Knowing Me Knowing You and Silverchair’s Straight Lines.

Clearly anyone with half a brain would choose Boyz 2 Men, which allows for easy harmonisation and gives everyone a chance to get their Aguilera on in the chorus. For some reason however, most groups seem to pick Silverchair, which turns out to be an instant disaster for just about everyone. Particularly Jasmine, the pride of the Northern Territory, who chucks a major dummy spit on the grounds that she doesn’t like the person who wrote the lyrics.

Yeah, well he doesn’t like you either.

She and her group give Holden a quick demo in their hotel room. Time for a quote? I thought so.

"This is the lamest bunch of shit I’ve yet to hear in any room."

And he just came from the toilets in the lobby.

Jasmine continues her anti-Daniel Johns rant. Holden is unimpressed.

"The Australian public will look at you and go 'MISERABLE COW!'. Do you want to be the Northern Territory’s next tool? Cos that’s where you’re heading."

I’m not exactly sure who she’d be taking the title from there, but it seems to have the desired effect on Jasmine, who decides to quit the competition. She does this by going to each of her team mate’s rooms at 3am and announcing "Youse are on yer own, I’m going home." They all struggle to care, except for Arctic Monkey boy Dylan, who begs her to reconsider.

"Nup, it’s a stupid song, stupid range, stupid everything, I’m going home," she yawns.

"FUCK OFF THEN, YOU MISERABLE COW!" Australia yells, but clearly Holden recognises the superb bit of train-wreck TV this episode will be lacking if Jasmine doesn’t turn up to the next audition, and so tries to talk her into staying.

"Today is about courage and guts," he says, and I wait on the edge of my seat for him to add the obvious next part of the sentence: "And you’ve obviously got PLENTY of those." Sadly, he doesn’t. Sadder still, Jasmine gets over herself and drags her miserable cow arse to the auditions. (Hey, I'm only saying what Holden said I’d say).

Her group is first up. Predictably enough, they are shit. Kyle stops them and says he couldn't stand listening to one more second. Holden says they are crap. Dicko accuses the Arctic Monkey of not giving a shit, and Shannon Noll Chad of being so wooden that he "puts the tree into country". Zing! Then they all get through to the next round.

Given that this episode has so far been a 1990s extravaganza, I shall borrow a phrase from the period: "Exsqueeze me? Baking powder?"

Dylan goes and has a lie down under a table, while Jasmine continues her whingeing.

"My music touches people when I sing, and I did nothing today."

COMMUNITY HEALTH WARNING: If YOU feel you have been inappropriately touched by Jasmine’s music, call our free support line on 1800-MISERABLE-COW.

The crappy group auditions continue, with Silverchair proving to be a nightmare for everyone. Every year there’s at least one Idolite who forgets the lyrics on stage and tries to make up for it with charm, by substituting the words with "I’ve forgotten the lyrics, la la la, Ohhh yesss I’ve forgotten the words..." Note to Idol hopefuls 2008: THIS DOES NOT WORK.

Dicko sticks his pen in his ear, Holden goes AWOL and Kyle gets on stage and stands there with a depressed look on his face. All in all, it's going well.

Hot trumpeter Carl's group has spent all night coming up with crappy choreography but has forgotten to actually learn the song, and does a very half-arsed version of Knowing Me, Knowing You.

"It’s the best I can doooo," sings Carl.

"Hey, you had that operation too?" yells Atilio from offstage.

After all of this mind-boggling talent comes Werewolf Le Scarf and his group, who have sensibly chosen the only song with a singable melody, End of the Road. The judges look on wistfully as the kids pull out a top notch performance (ie: top notch means they remembered the lyrics and sang in tune. Wouldn't have thought that was beyond the grasp of most singers, but there you go.)

So there you have it. Some were good, most were shit, and so passes another audition day at Idol HQ.

Stay tuned for the next update of Monday night's episode, in which hopefully we'll get to up our Stevie, Whitney and Jeff counts.

Oh, and we get to see someone screaming "I hate you mark Holden!"

Should be a cracker.


  1. Brilliant. My favourite part is when you trashed EF again. There's no way that show will ever stop getting shit from us.

    Also, Daniel the werewolf is seriously wrong. LOSE THE SCARF, GREASEMAN.

  2. It really is an offensive scarf usage, isn't it? Do you think he fashioned it from his own chest off-cuts?

    Did you also enjoy playing Spot The Former Singing Competition Contestant? Jacob Butler from X-Factor and That Chick Who Finished 3rd On Popstars Live are both still in the running.

  3. Greaseman - wasn't he Tom Cruise's nemesis in Top Gun?

    Popstars Live? What the hell was that?

    PS: scott I thought you were watching the Kath and Kim disaster last night?

  4. Help me I went to Jordan's website!
    Scary "guy in the bright suites", help etc.

    Thanks for bringing your A game again PetStarr.

  5. I may have to give up watching ANTM, just so I can start watching Jasmine in NTNT.

    But I'll probably be busy having hot genie sex.

  6. Dorothy Garland? Is that supposed to be wrong?

  7. ec - My pleasure. Sorry to subject you to Jordan's webshite.

    jo - Let me know if it's better than Tim Tams, ok?

    anonymous - No, it's not wrong at all. I was just shooting for some comedy by making fun of a hackneyed old stereotype of gay people. Sorry.

  8. Total train wreck television last night. Experience to the max even.

    wtf was that pen in Dicko's ear?

  9. Yep - better than Tim Tams.
    On par with Jaffa Cakes.

  10. I think Anonymous was suggesting that Dorothy Garland was a bizarre mash-up of Judy Garland and her Wizard Of Oz character Dorothy, not suggesting a gay stereotpe was wrong in essence. But what would I know, since I've read these comments and none of the actual post...

  11. Ohhh crap - JUDY GARLAND I meant. Crikey. Still, Dorothy Garland works quite nicely, doesn't it?