Monday, August 20, 2007

Australian Idol 07 wrap up: Sydney Part 2

First things first: Matt Corby is clearly going to win Australian Idol this year, so everyone else might as well get their hat and coat and go home. I'm placing my bet now, so that when the grand finale comes around you can all go "Oooh, Petstarr was right! Maybe she has THE SHINING!"


Awwww, look! He's just SO FREAKIN HOT! Aww.
(pic coutresy of australianidol.com.au)


Right, now that's out of the way, let's get through all these other losers. And tonight there's 63 of them being whittled down to 24.

HELLO? JUDGES?


You've already found your Idol, let's wrap this shit up.


But the charade continues, particularly in the judging room where the four musketeers are pretending to argue over the finalists in a totally spontaneous, non set-up shot. The producers have clearly tried to inject as much portent as possible into the judging process this episode, as they've dressed the quartet in black, removed all the lightbulbs from the room and backlit the door so that every time someone walks through it looks like the second coming. Or a horror movie.

And so it begins. First to get the boot is some guy who looks like a caterpillar. Sorry fuzzy, it was never going to work. Then - shock horror - it's goodbye to Cleo, the girl who was "too beautiful for Idol". Turns out they were right.

Next on the chopping block is little Tiramisu, Holden's favourite dessert. We get a quick flashback of her first audition, in which she sang I Have Nothing, which means I get to do this:



Tiramisu gets out her bible and shows us all how awesome it is before blathering on about God and Jesus and the holy spirit, all of which causes Kyle to spit and froth and shake - he ALMOST reveals his true form but fortunately they cut to her solo performance of Stuck On You and he snaps out of it. Despite her tendency to YELL EVERYTHING, she gets through to the final 24. She trips out the door chattering about passion and soul and joy. Marcia has found a kindred spirit. The rest of us have just found a very sugary dessert.

Next up is Daniel, aka Werewolf Le Scarf, or as Audrey has tagged him, "Greaseman". They quickly flash back to his first audition where he apparently sang about butterflies and moonbeams and fairies. Does anyone else remember that? I don't remember that. It's horrific. What man sings about moonbeams, for fuck's sake? Anyway Scarfey is the first Idol hopeful to break out the "Singing is my life" quote this episode. This phrase is a useful one for all Idol hopefuls, as it can be used to answer almost any question from the judges.

HOLDEN: How much do you want this?

IDOLITE: I want it so bad. Singing is my life.

DICKO: What will you do if you don't get through in this competition?

IDOLITE: I couldn't do anything else. Singing is my life.

KYLE: What word describes your life, up to this point?

IDOLITE: Singing. Singing is my life.


Anyway, apparently Holden is "tickled pink" by Mr Wolf, and he gets through to the next round. I hope he packed enough scarves in his suitcase to see him through!

A few more randoms that no one's ever seen or heard of before get the arse, Jordan Paris says "I love us!" for about the 300 millionth time, and then Jess and Holly are called into the judging room together. They're both female, blonde, and from Mildura, so clearly it was too hard for the judges to tell them apart. We're treated to a short clip of Jess' solo performance, in which she sings a song about kissing a guy in places she'd better not name. After her audition song about making men's pants bulge with her cleavage, she's not exactly setting herself up as the girl next door. Well actually, who knows WHAT the girls are like next door in Mildura. She could be the town virgin for all I know.

By contrast, Holly sounds like a broken Sarah Blasko (who, it has to be said, sounds a bit broken already) and absolutely MURDERS The Beatles' Blackbird. If this song were a short film, the plot would be that Tina Turner meets Sarah Blasko in a dark alleyway and beats her over the head with a broken guitar, before screaming at Paul McCartney who is watching, terrified, from his apartment window. If there were any blackbirds in the vicinity they would have been scared to buggery by the first note and flown away to hang out with Daniel Le Werewolf and his fairies and moonbeams.

Anyway, both Mildurites get through. Yay for them. Yawn.

On to Mustard, the shearer with the red dreads, who apparently is best friends with Jordan Paris now. Probably because his hair matches Jordan's suit. Dicko gives us a typical arsehole build up that makes it look like Mustard's gotten through.

DICKO: "You've improved more than anyone in this competition mate..."

MUSTARD: "Yep!"

DICKO: "And we REALLY REALLY like what you're doing..."

MUSTARD: "Cool!"

DICKO: "And we think you're REALLY talented..."

MUSTARD: "Great!"

DICKO: "And we'd LOVE to have you on the show..."

MUSTARD: "Really?!"

DICKO: "But we can't, sorry."

MUSTARD: "Right. Back to the shearing shed I guess."


OH DICKO, YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD. Marcia has a cry. Or does she? She actually looks like she's permanently crying, but I think she might have just stuck a diamante on her cheek. Cunning, Marcia, cunning.

Then there's our little crazy-kooky-Regina-Spektor-Lisa-Mitchell-I'm-so-quirky-cos-I-have-a-stupid-haircut-and-clothes-I-bought-at-the-market girl Breanna. Breanna says she wants to share her quirkiness with Australia, and wants Idol to "embrace something different". Ahhh Breanna. Don't you understand? We don't WANT something different. Unless you're Bobby Flynn, and then we do. But otherwise, we want divas and pop boys, and all you quirky ballet-flat wearing weirdos can find a record deal together on whatever planet will have you. Anyway she gets in. Surprise. Time for a Kyle quote:

"You can bring the Lindy Chamberlain haircut to Idol this year."




Maybe not THIS version though.


Then there's Dylan, the young Mick Jagger meets Arctic Monkeys lookalike, doing his solo performance of The Cure's Lovecats. And it's kinda cute. But I have the constant urge to give him some Ritalin, which I don't think is quite the reaction one's Idol is supposed to inspire in one. Dicko tells him he's a good comedy act, but asks him what type of musical act he wants to be, upon which Dylan hangs his head and promptly goes to sleep for about 10 minutes. Suddenly, someone off stage pokes him with a cane and he bolts upright and stammers "I dunno!" All of which means it's no surprise at all when the judges tell him it's all over now, baby blue. (See, a Bob Dylan reference in the bit about Dylan! How good am I? Just making sure you're awake)

ADBREAK TIME, and Jessica Mauboy is telling everyone how Rexona for Women helps her to stay dry in the spotlight. Ha! What spotlight? She'd be lucky to bathe in the dim glow of a dashboard light at this point in her career. Don't need no deodorant for that - ask any cabbie.

Moving right along, and Carl the sexy trumpeter is the next to go through, shortly followed by his ex girlfriend Cheray. Pardon? Yes, his ex girlfriend. That should be fun when it comes to living in the Idol house.

Finally it's Jordan Paris' time to shine (although he has managed to get into almost every third shot this episode, so it's not like he hasn't gotten his fair share of airtime).

"I LOVE US!" he yells again, as the rest of Australia yells back "WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!"

"I feel like God walking through here," he says as he glides through the holy glowing door in his white evangelical suit and matching bandana. Seriously, what is with the bandanas?


Images from australianidol.com.au and jordanparis.com.au


But actually, I think I love Jordan. If he were cheese, he'd be a brie. In fact, IS he a cheese?


Spot the difference.


Holden asks him how he reckons he did.

"I'm in, I can feel it!" says Jordan.

"I love us! I seriously love us!"

Ok. I'm not in love with him anymore. Too much bandana plus catchphrase equals annoying. Holden feels the same way, and breaks the bad news that Mr Orange will not be joining the Idol train in 07. Back to NIDA with you, boy.

Sadly we then say goodbye to Anthony - the weirdo who turned up to his audition in a wheelchair with a bandaged head. He's been gadding about in Sydney in a fur stole singing songs from Jesus Christ Superstar, and turns up to the judging panel dressed as Booger from Revenge of the Nerds. See Breanna - THIS is quirky. Unfortunately for Anthony it's not the kind of quirky the judges actually like, and he's pushed off quick smart.

Then there's Shannon Noll Chad, "Thank God I'm a country boy". Holden gets out his big book of Idol judge catchphrases and says "Do you think Australia is ready for a country Australian Idol?" Um, remember this, Holden:


Klancie Keogh, anyone?


No, neither do we. SO THE ANSWER IS OBVIOUSLY NO. Anyway, they let him in. Or they kick him out. I can't remember because I don't care.

Then there's Jasmine, the Miserable Cow from the Northern Territory, whose apparent dislike of Daniel Johns led her to have a tanty on Sunday night, and whose apparent lack of any talent whatsoever led her to do a terrible solo performance of Lean On Me in which she leaned too hard on every note and squashed them. She says Idol has been an "experience to the max".


Poochie agrees.


She follows up this insightful comment with an eloquent: "Youse guys, youse are important people and youse know what youse are talkin' about." That might be true, but no one knows what YOU'RE talking about, love. Dicko tells her when they first met they had something special going on, but now they've fallen out of love with her and it's over, she's dumped, stop calling, it looks desperate. Oh and can he have his black T shirt back now please kthanx. The Coldplay rip off emotional piano music starts playing as she breaks down in tears, apologising for... well, being a miserable cow, I guess... but as soon as she leaves the room she turns into A WOMAN SCORNED.

"That's it, I'm not singin' no more. All I've done my whole life is sing to get on national TV and sing, and it didn't work. I've put being a mother, one of the best things in the world, aside for this shit."


She then bursts into a stream of expletives that would make Eazy-E blush, and we leave her at the bottom of a dingy stairwell somewhere on the Fox studios backlot, along with her career. One day, her children will be so proud.

Right, to speed this up a little bit here:

  • Husny the Jack Sparrow/Prince lookalike gets through.

  • Sarah the blonde mechanic from Adelaide gets through, and puts the "Singing is my life" quote quota up to two.
  • Four people that you've never heard of before go in together and get rejected. No one cares.
  • Marty gets through on the proviso that he can come up with a personality. Who's Marty? I guess when he gets a personality we'll all find out.


And then it's delightful Matt Corby, the winner of Australian Idol 2007. They show a flashback to his first audition in which he sang Superstition, which means I get to do this:


It occurs to me that Matt looks rather like a young Jake Gyllenhaal. It also occurs to me that Matt might be classified as "barely legal". I start to feel a little bit dirty. But not as dirty as I feel after Kyle comes out with this:

"Three out of the four of us judges have experienced a young man..."


Pardon?

"...'s stress, so we know what you're going through right now."


Well! I was GOING to say. I mean, who would have been the odd one out in that equation? Oh dear, now I'm thinking about experiencing a young Matt Corby. Or possibly a young Jake Gyllenhaal. Or both at the same time... Anyway yada yada yada, Matt's through. Of course he's through, he's going to win the bloody thing.

Let's cut to the chase again here:

  • 16 year old Ben of the acne face and out of breath singing somehow gets through to the next round, and yells "I hate you Mark Holden!" Not as much as we do right now.

  • Natalie of the biggest keyboard in Australia also gets through, after yelling her way through Crazy without any sense of irony whatsoever.

  • Lyell of the Adonis also gets through, probably because his name is much easier to put in lights than Sally Van Der Zwart.


And then it's down to the final two places. First up: the chicks.

In the blue corner is Cyndi, the young mum who no one would remember at all if it weren't for the fact that she is a young mum. In the red corner is Rosie Ribbons, the former UK idol with a name so ridiculous it's only outshone by Sally Van Der Zwart's. And DING! DING! IT'S ON!

Cyndi gets in early by saying something boring about her son, following it up with a double uppercut of dullness with a solo rendition of Sarah McLachlan's Angel. It's a splendid start to the match! But Rosie ducks and weaves and comes back fighting with her version of Stand By Me. Who can be more cliched and dull? It's a fight to the death, but in the end Marcia does some tricky maths ("There are 24 spots, and there's 22 people out there, and there's only one female spot left, and there's two of you...") which ends up knocking them both unconscious with boredom. Rosie is declared the winner by default.

Round two: The men. And it's Dave, the swimming teacher slash singer vs James "I look heaps like Wil Anderson, eh?". Clearly this is James' round - he's young, he's got the look (despite it being the look of an utter nobhead 'comedian' that everyone hates) and he's charismatic. As opposed to Dave, who is a dad and looks a bit like a stalker.

DING! DING!

Dave gets the first punch in with a rather awesome acoustic guitar version of Radiohead's Karma Police, scoring extra damage points for choosing a slightly offbeat song. But what's that? A red vinyl shirt?


I'm sorry, I can't wear that, Dave.


It's the perfect weak point for James to exploit, and he does, coming back strong with his acoustic guitar version of some song I've never heard of before. Double points for offbeat-ness! Holden asks them why they want to win, and BAM, James pulls out the "Singing is my life!" quote. Punch drunk and teetering on the spot, Dave can only manage a lame "I think we both desire the result equally", which sounds like a Youtube announcement from Kevin07. Clearly James has won this match - but as he pulls back his fist to deliver the knockout punch, the judges deliver the verdict: Dave has snared the final spot. What the bloody hell? Did they just say the psycho swimming teacher in the red vinyl shirt has taken the final spot in the top 24? And Jordan Paris didn't make it? Ok, just checking.

Well there you have it kids, we have our final 24. Sunday night sees our first group of six battle it out: Carl the bugle boy, Jack Sparrow, Jacob "I've been on X Factor" Butler, Werewolf Le Scarf, some dude called Junior I can't remember and your Australian Idol for 2007, Matt Corby.
Hang on - did they just say they'll be screening Idol EVERY night next week? Oh. Dear. God. I'm rooted.



18 comments :

  1. Sorry, why are we even bothering with Idol 2007? Let's just crown Matt "I Am The Hottness" Corby right now. Dude is going to get laid so much this year...

    I think I lost a piece of my brain when Rosie Ribbons and Cyndi Dullsville hit the screen. Could you find a more boring pair? Rosie's only saving grace is her adorable accent.

    Also, what the fuck is with all these people thinking their only road to singing success is via the Idol Superhighway? Do as everyone else does people and WORK THE CIRCUIT.

    Jacob Butler needs to die. (Not literally obvs...everyone knows I only like to kill babies.)

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  2. Further, why do all these people think that being in the top 12 of Idol is going to make their kids proud of them? Their kids would probably be a lot happier if their droopy drawers parents weren't pulling muscles on stage with people half their age, especially when one of them is God's Gift To Women. SAD.

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  3. Bahaha!! The "young man" slipup from Kyle was gold! It almost looked as if he was thinking "Oops.. better not let THAT one out..!" as he said it.

    They've certainly gone for a specific look with the guys this year haven't they? With the exception of maybe Hunsy..

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  4. I can't read you and drink coffee. There, I've said it. Thank god I had tissues next to the desk for the Kyle comment. It broke me last night, and this morning it caused a coffee splat.

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  5. Great recap as always. I actually think Greaseman/Werewolf is really sexy. It could be because my 14 year old cousin is already considering getting Matt Corby's name tattooed on her arse, so I'm really getting some jailbait vibes from him and have been forced to look for a more 'age appropriate' idol.

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  6. As much as I have enjoyed reading your Idol/ANTM etc posts in the past I have just experienced a new joy. Actually watching the show before I read your post. Now that I know what I had been missing out on I'll have to start watching Idol. Grumble.

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  7. I honestly don't know why they're bothering either, but as long as it means Matt "Winner of Australian Idol 2007" Corby is on screen for a longer amount of time then i'm all for it.

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  8. Can't back you that one I'm afraid Petstarr. Adorable and talented though he may be, Matt will go the way of Dean Geyer. He might come second but he won't win. There. I said it.

    (don't hurt me)

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  9. *on* that one, *on* that one. God.

    (Mental note, CHECK post before submitting so as not to look like total dweeb.)

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  10. Hee! Matt Corby is a sweetie, and I'm happy for my 10yo daughter to be sqeeing about him. Just.

    And like Nai, for the first time I'm actually watching Idol, and your recaps are even funnier when I know what you're actually talking about...

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  11. I can't believe bugle boy got in! Besides the fact that he is attractive in a man way, he can only sing one genre, and not very well!

    I guess he is there to appease and please the ladies. Why didn't they leave in 'can't really sing but is gorgeous' Cleo? She is the female version of him. And that would please and appease ladies like me!

    Oh well.

    BTW - Wil Anderson man also looked heaps like a chubby David Boreanaz.

    Great post, once again.

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  12. Have you heard rosie ribbons music videos? it's so weird she starting all the way batb the bottom.
    OMG agreeing with everything u says lol. tyvm omg ttyl ll bb.

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  13. I can't believe those STUPID judges got rid of Anthony! He was hysterical. The rest are bland, bland, bland.

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  14. Solid post PetStarr: absolutely loving it. And I share your trepidation at next week's blogging challenge: 5 NIGHTS? Jesus.

    BTW, your 1-300-MISERABLE-COW hotline call yesterday was a quiet piece of genius.

    Your thoughts on Cheray?

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  15. Nice one Pet ... everyone at this internet cafe is staring at me because I have been laughing for the last 15minutes really, really hysterically. The wrap-ups actually make me want to come home to Oz to watch Idol. Yes - I am sad, I know.

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  16. PetStarr, have you seen Scott's Top 24 Analysis? Check it out here if you haven't. Bloody hilarious, and right up your alley I suspect. You two should team up. Keep up the good work.

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  17. Hey there Petstarr you super recapper, couple of things:

    I think Jordan's bandanas are an attempt to make his incredibly long face look um, less long.

    Have to disagree about the young Mr Corby, only because I don't like his hair.

    Speaking of hair I can't stand Breanna and her try-hard kooksville fringe.

    I thought Dave was kinda sweet, I'm sure the stylist people will keep him away from weird vinyl shirts in future, well let's hope so.

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  18. audrey - Have to agree, that boy is just so cute. AND SEXY AS HELL. I'm so confused, Matt, hold me...
    Keep killin' babies.

    deaver - I think we should all be thankful that Kyle DIDN'T let it out on national television. Still, there's many episodes to go...

    thisisme - You need to buy some sort of sprayguard, like the ones they have at sandwich bars to stop people sneezing on the lettuce.

    mel - Secretly, I think Werewolf is kinda sexy too. There's just something not quite right though... his beard is too patchy or something. Or maybe it's just that he looks a bit too much like Tim Freedman from The Whitlams. You know, I think that might be it.

    nai - ONE OF US, ONE OF US!

    jess - Glad to see you're on the Corby's side! Unlike...

    tallulahbelle - YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN, SISTER! I think he's got a bit more talent and spunk than Dean, and it's likely that he's not still a virgin, which makes him even more appealing. We shall see tomorrow night... (About the talent bit, not the virgin bit) (unless Kyle decides to follow through with his young man experiences again)

    actonb - I LOVE the word 'sqeeing' and will endeavour to use it somewhere in my next post.

    BEC _ I dunno, I don't mind bugle boy. I mean, he's not the greatest singer, and he won't get past the first round, but it's nice to have some charming eye candy in the mix isn't it?

    Anonymous - Rosie Ribbins has videos already? *heads to Youtube...*

    franklinbluth - You have the best name ever.

    Scott - Did you try calling it? All I got was a recording of Holden going "MISERABLE COOOO-OOWWWW! MISERABLE COOOO-OOOOWWW!" As for Cheray - who?

    Em - Awwwww we miss you!! Come back!!!

    Ben -Yeah I've seen it, they're pretty funny!

    ec -Not sure I agree with you on the bandanas - I think he's just trying to turn himself into a brand. But it is scary how much he looked like Zoolander. As for Mr Corby - WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? You better start liking him cos he's gonna win this thing. As for Dave - I think he's sort of sweet, but he also has an evil glint in his eye. And he reminds me much of the bad guy from Grease.

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