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Sunday, September 30, 2007

Acoustic Night - DELAYED!

Hey Idol lovers, PetStarr's back with another advance apology for having a life.

It's a long weekend in my neck of the woods and so I'll be spending my Sunday night dressed as a 1960s mod chick, drinking and dancing in the suburbs. I'd explain that it's a costume party, but that's really just how I spend every weekend.

Anyway because of all this shenanigans I won't get tonight's ACOUSTIC NIGHT (if Brianna were still there it would be BAD ACOUSTIC night: "I can't hear myself on stage, it's really loud up here, I just can't hear myself...") wrap up online until some time on Monday, hopefully before the results show.

So keep checking back kids, and in the meantime, how about reliving my favourite Idol performance of all time, Daniel Belle singing Rock DJ.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Australian Idol 07 wrap up: Disco Night

Ahhh disco night. The theme the Idol producers keep forcing upon us year after year, even though everyone knows that a) no one LIKES disco, b) no one can SING disco, and 3) no one LIKES disco.

Can't we just make it Dicko night?

Where do they get these themes from anyway? If I may suggest a couple for future shows:

  • Prog rock night (Matt Corby could overshoot his limits again and try some Pink Floyd)

  • Bhangra night (Imagine Benji Mac doing Punjabi MC)

  • Hip-hop night (Tarisai could duet with Marcia on Hits from the Bong)

  • And as a tribute to the late, great Marcel Marceau: Mime night (If only Brianna were still on the show she'd romp that one in)

I'd suggest Britpop night but Jacob Butler does that every week already.

And yet, into the 70s must we roll - although thankfully no one's dressed the part tonight. Not even Holden, who normally gets about in that crap anyway.

Actually strike that - Tarisai has decided to come as a mirrorball.

"My bodice reflects the holy light of the lord!"

But first we get to see her video montage, in which she talks about how far she's come as a singer and we get to see her first audition clip again, which means I get to do this:

After last week's ROCKTASTROPHE in which Dicko told little Tiramisu she needed to enrol in rock school, she's out to prove that she "doesn't need to go to disco school". Why anyone would NOT want to go to disco school is beyond me. I mean, imagine how cool it would be! Everyone would rollerskate down the hallways and instead of a bell for recess and lunch there'd be a blast of BOOGIE WONDERLAND or something.

And Disco Stu would totally be the PE teacher.

Anyway Australia's favourite dessert brings a bit of Donna Summer's Hot Stuff - or, in Tarisai's case, Mild to Medium Stuff. Although she is showing off an impressive rack we never knew she had, so snaps for that. Her jeans are so tight she can barely strut the stage, but she still brings it with that big old voice of hers. She finishes with a power warble so loud that backstage, Daniel Mifsud's scarfe is blown clean off.

Holden stops calling her Tiramisu long enough to dub her "Terrorsai", tells her she turned the song into "a boring ballad" and asks her if she's trying to bring sexy back. Wow, a pop culture reference that's only a year old - Holden's so MODERN these days! Dicko informs everyone that disco is foreplay. So if you live near Dicko and you ever hear a bit of Brick House floating on the breeze, best not to knock. Marcia gives her best crit ever by reiterating how bad last week's show was. Kyle announces he's still having sex. What, right now? I guess Dicko was right then.

Moving on to Ben "There isn't a website on the internet that says whether I'm gay or not so stop Googling for it you fools" Mackenzie, who'll be doing Michael Jackson's Don't Stop Til You Get Enough. I hope against hope that he'll do the schoolyard version:

Get on at the bus stop
Don't stop til you're getting off

Given in his montage Ben makes such comments as "I wasn't even BORN when disco was around!" that seems entirely possible.

"I'm going to be tackling someone else's song, and that's always a challenge," says Ben, who seems to have forgotten that he's in a competition where one has to sing covers every week.

After telling us how far he's come as a singer, out he comes in his favourite black jacket and logo shirt combination, humming his way through an extended intro that turns out to be the modern day equivalent of Fat Cat going to bed. Everyone under the age of 12 suddenly collapses into a deep sleep, while everyone over the age of 12 spontaneously yells "HEY, HE GOT THE WORDS WRONG!"

There are a few bum notes, a few slipped lyrics, and one uncomfortable looking Benji. Yawn.

Clearly Dicko is sufficiently turned on by Ben's disco foreplay session, and says it was a terrific performance, and could he please sing one more verse... just... one... MORE OHHHH YEAH! Marcia says she can't touch that, although after Dicko's reaction any sort of touching seems hardly necessary now. Kyle gives another Sandilands Backhander TM by saying Ben is the perfect reason why people shouldn't judge books by their cover.

What kind of cover would Ben's book have though?

Holden gets a sudden case of Hulk arm and has to fight the urge to throw out a mighty touchdown. He gets himself under control enough to rasp the advice "Don't tone down the androgyny", and then yells "Go hard!", which would rather seem to negate the whole androgyny thing. It's no wonder Benji looks so confused.

Let's move on to Mark "Cocked" Da Costa - hey I'm not having a go, that's how Ken Doll described him tonight. Cocked.

We see his video montage detailing his rise from Paddy McShea's Good Time Family Folk Band to IDOL ROCK STAR, and he talks about HOW FAR HE'S COME AS A SINGER. Evidently Mark thinks this competition is about "getting my message across to thousands of people". Hmm. Unless his message is about being in a place called Vertigo, or rock and roll that requires a lot of electricity, I'm not sure I've received that message very clearly these last few weeks. Not to worry, this week he's been employed by the Tennessee tourism board to send a paid message to the peeps, all about a little old town, a quiet little community, a one-horse town where you have to watch what you're putting down. They call it Nutbush.

Da Costa may have COME SO FAR AS A SINGER but he's still stuck in that bloody Wolfmother vest and T shirt combo. I'm about to throw my miniature Andrew Stockdale voodoo doll at the screen until I realise something amazing and strange.

Mark Da Costa is actually good tonight.

No, better than good... He's hot. THERE I'VE SAID IT. MARK DA COSTA IS HOT TONIGHT. My god did I just say that, or is it the disco talking?

"Salt pork and molasses is all you get in JAAAAIIIIL!" he screams in some special way that allows him to yell and be breathy at the same time. Lawdy. Disco AND pork? That's me gone.

Marcia tells everyone to look at Mark eyes, because that's called "being in the zone". If only we could tear our gaze off of Marcia's test pattern ourfit to look into HER eyes, I think we'd discover a whole new kind of zone. Kyle said he thought that song was a woman's song, but when he watched Mark he didn't even think about women once. Looks like the power of disco is working on Kyle too. It's going to be one HELL of a backstage orgy tonight! Holden flexes his arm a bit to remind everyone that he has this thing called a "touchdown" that everyone should aspire to, but instead throws his head back and gives a triumphant werewolf style "ARRRRR-OOOOOO!" Daniel Mifsud hears the brethren call and comes running.


Dicko says Mark is real quality, but not quite as A Grade as the drugs Holden's currently on.

Moving on to Lana "I'm destined to play Cosette forever, aren't I?" Krost who says she was "like, yuck" when she found out she had to do disco tonight. Clearly she'd heard advance rumours of what it does to Dicko. Fortunately she opts for Moloko's Sing It Back, which was written a good 20 years after the disco era ended.

We see a quick montage where she talks about HOW FAR SHE'S COME AS A SINGER, from musical theatre to rock and roll, and now disco! Oh my god, three whole genres! She'll be ready for a Best Of album soon.

Lana's performance is, in a word, shithouse. In a few more words, it's like Patsy Biscoe does Moloko. She naively keeps asking us to "sing it back", as if it wouldn't show her up if we did. The only high point of the song is when she croons "Take me and do as you will", which would ensure she got a million votes from salivating middle aged men, if only middle aged men knew how to send text messages.

Kyle says she looks a million bucks but she shouldn't listen to people who just scream because she's hot. Like Kyle, you mean? For the second time tonight Holden misdiagnoses a song as "a boring ballad" (has he actually HEARD any ballads?) and asks Lana if she might be more comfortable going home and concentrating on her exams. He also asks if she needs a lift to hockey practice in the morning and if she's still seeing that boy he doesn't like, before patting her on the head and sending her off to bed.

ADBREAK time: And it seems Pascal has moved on from promoting their products with fat, suburban, singing mums to loser Idol rejects of yore, the latest being Hayley Jensen. The last we heard of Hayley she had paid to publish her own single, which promptly, and unsurprisingly, went nowhere at all. Now she appears to be spruiking marshmallows with the phrase "They're the way I like my music - soft, and with soul!" Remember that next you're round the campfire - JESUS DIED FOR THAT MARSHMALLOW.

Let's move on to Jacob "The brother the Gallaghers didn't want" Butler. How's he going to handle disco night? Does Oasis even DO disco? No, but Jamiroquai does - so at least he can wear his greasy adidas jacket and look like he's in costume.

He's doing Canned Heat, which ironically enough looks exactly like what Jacob has been exposed to for the last five hours - his hair is plastered to his head like a fat man on a treadmill.

Jay-Cob accidentally mistakes himself for Jay-Kay and attempts a few dance moves, but he ends up looking more like a drunken mosher than a disco stud. There's so much concentration in his face when he sings it looks like he's going to permanently crease it.

Nothing left for me to do but dance... oh wait, I can't do that either. Bugger.

Holden says it was a bad song choice that left him with nothing special to do. Like sing? Or dance? Poor Jacob looks utterly crestfallen, so Holden cheers him up with some handy advice: "The best revenge is to be brilliant. Easy!" Yeah, no problems. Work on that for next time, would ya Jacob? There's a chap. Dicko says Jacob's performance was low on quality - especially compared to the gear Marcia pulled out before. By this time Jacob's looking like a puppy who's just lost his favourite tennis ball over the back fence, so Marcia picks up the slack and tells him he's awesome or something. That sets him up nicely just in time for Kyle to knock him down again, by saying it was like a rehearsal. Jacob has a whinge that it "wasn't my genre", as if disco is ANYONE'S genre.

"What do you think of when I say 'disco'?" says Ken Doll.

"This man, Marty Simpson," says Monkey Boy.

That's funny, cos when I hear "Marty Simpson" I think "who?".

Anyway Marty "Whatshisname" Simpson has chosen to do one of the galaxy's most overplayed songs, Hot Chocolate's You Sexy Thing, in the style of Jack Johnson. He BETTER believe in miracles if he thinks this is going to work.

And actually, what is going on here? Isn't this supposed to be DISCO NIGHT? Moloko, Jamiroquai, surfie-boy reggae pop rock - honestly, I keep expecting the Idol police to jump out from behind a camera and arrest them for this shit.

"It's Gloria Gaynor or nothing, sunshine. You're coming with us."

He's borrowed Daniel Mifsud's Peter Brady vest and shirt ensemble for tonight's performance, which explains why he looks so worried every time he's on camera. FOR GOD'S SAKE MARTY, SMILE ONCE IN A WHILE! He starts on a stool (sigh), pulls a few faces, moves around a bit and even does a Mutto crouch, but all is forgiven when he finishes with the line "I believe in mirrorballs". Aw Marty. You're so cute!

Dicko says he loves his voice so much - so much in fact that he forgot to listen to Marty's that time around. Whoops! Marcia says she forgives him. We're not sure why. Maybe he stole some of her stash, and she's just found out. Kyle says he loved it, he REALLY loved it, and if Marty wants to check out his Boogie Wonderland after the show the Idol orgy door is always open. Holden says he wants some of whatever drugs Kyle's on. Then he moans and shakes all over for about ten seconds before saying "Key key key key, wrong wrong wrong wrong, slow slow slow slow", which makes us all think perhaps he doesn't need another hit. Then he makes the call of the decade, comparing Marty to Aggro.


Next up is Daniel "I'm on a 12 step scarf program" Mifsud, with the Rolling Stones' Miss You. I can't say much about his performance, because I was so distracted by his ridiculous hairdo. That thing is getting out of CONTROL. That boy needs a Jim's Mowing up in there or something. He finishes, he has a nice smile, the end.

Marcia says something about balls and keeping Dan's tongue in cheek. Let's move on. Kyle says Dan ticked all the boxes but he still didn't care. Sort of reminds me of how I feel about the next Federal Election, really. Holden says Dan has an inner light that he can see, and he'd better be careful to look after it because replacement bulbs are REALLY hard to find. Dicko says it was measured but committed, serious but sexy, and two other words that form a pair but aren't natural opposites.

Next up is Carl "I'm gonna scat no matter what you say" Risely, who starts by summing up his heavily criticised performance on Rock Night:

"I probably could have picked a better rock song and sung it more rock like."

On ROCK NIGHT? Whatever would you do THAT for? Hopefully tonight Carl will make the inspired decision to pick a good disco song and sing it disco like.

He's choen Earth Wind and Fires' September, a great little boogie number that has some incredibly high notes in it. Given that Carl isn't wearing the communal Idol tight pants (he's gone for a Las Vegas concierge look in a white jacket and undone red tie) he might need some assistance with this one. Perhaps Kyle can rush up behind him during the chorus? That'd do it.

He kicks into it and actually, it's really not that bad. Well, at least, it's not a salsa-reggae-folk version of Earth Wind and Fire, let's put it that way.

"Bah de ya - something to remember, bah de ya - dancing in September, BABADOOBY DA BADABDA DAAA BDAAAAAA!"

Hang on what was that? Did he just scat, or was that a belch? Is Carl putting the WIND into Earth, Wind and Fire? And what is that falsetto? It sounds like someone strangling a cat.

"Bah de ya - never was a cloudy daaaayyyyyyy! BA DA BA, FA FA FA FAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Fa fa fa? Put an "rk" on the end and you're about there. In summary, Carl's rendition of Earth Wind and Fire sounds like a farting cat being strangled to death. Top stuff.

Kyle says he looks like Mark Holden at the Arias.

As long as he doesn't look like Casey Donovan at the ARIAS, he'll be ok.

Holden says Carl "honoured the genre" of disco. Thank the lord for that. I don't know what I would have done if he'd dragged the glorious name of Earth Wind and Fire into the dirt with his loopy salsa antics! Dicko tells him to stop scatting in every song (amen!) and Marcia says the word "horns" quite a few times. That's really all anyone needs to know.

Let's move on to Matt "Really, I'm gorgeous aren't I? Everybody thinks so" Corby who's doing... oh look, who cares? He could come out in a hessian sack and sing the half hour remix of Macarthur Park and he'd still get a touchdown. And probably a touch up as well, backstage.

Actually he's singing an Earth Wind and Fire version of The Beatles' Got to Get You Into My Life - obviously the Idols have returned their copy of Hollywood to the local library and swapped it for an Earth Wind and Fire best of CD. The brass starts up and backstage, Carl longs to jump into the horn section and start fiddling with his trumpet. Funny that, as I wouldn't mind jumping into Matt's horn section and... Never mind.

The song is hot (although it's hardly disco) and Matt's hot (although maybe it's time to wash the hair, mate). Case closed.

It's a spectacular finish with full brass, and Holden jumps out of his seat and pulls a touchdown, THE FIRST TOUCHDOWN OF THE SERIES! Are we excited people? Huh? Are we? No I don't really care either. But it's nice to see all the pretty lights flash isn't it? Dicko continues his adoration of Matt's "wiser than his years" song selection - first led Zep, now The Beatles... It's the son he never had! Marcia says "Oh my god boy, you're so frickin hawt!" Oh no wait, that was me. Whoops. Kyle says he'd pay money to see that. I'd wager half the nation would also pay money to see MORE of Matt, but let's just move right along to our final contestant, Natalie "I've lost my keyboard and I don't know where to find it" Gauchi.

She's single handedly steering the disco ship back on course with Gloria Gaynor's I Will Survive, an anthem for women and drag queens everywhere. Fittingly, Natalie has decided to dress as adrag queen tonight in a tighter-than-tight black sequinned dress and fishnets. Schwing! Actually, she looks pretty hot. Snaps to Natalie.

She pulls out more trills and power warbles than Tarisai, and positively rocks the song - but after the delicious Matt it's a little lacklustre. I also can't help thinking THIS every time I see Natalie:

She's big in France.

Given the French have no idea how to produce any music of interest apart from slamming electro, this does not bode well for Natalie.

Dicko says she's showing her real star quality at least - yes, and the nation can just about see it in that dress, too. He gives her a "ticko from Dicko", which I doubt will catch on as the new Touchdown. Hey Dicko - how about you yell out "SICKO!" OK so that's crap too. Anyone got any suggestions for Dicko's Touchdown alternative? Leave them in the comments.

Marcia yells "I'M SO HAPPY!" - clearly she managed to score off Kyle the last time he went out to the carpark. Kyle tells Natalie she looks hot which is nice, because she has looked like "a dingo" on some nights.

"A dingo took my hair straightener!"

Holden tells her she has enormous potential. Again, in that dress, Australia can see her enormous potential quite clearly in high resolution, thanks Holden. Then he points out that the difference between "ordinary" and "extraordinary" is "extra". Never would have picked that myself.

And so, how to sum up the night?

Kyle: "Better than last week."

Dicko: "Like a bought one."

MONDAY NIGHT'S UPDATE: Bye bye birdie - Lana is given the flick. Australia rejoices, then slumps into despair at having to hear her version of Moloko one more time. C'est la vie, kids...

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Disco gets delayed!

Hi loyal BC-ites (and a special hello to Dicko, Werewolf le Scarf and Mark Da Rocksta, if they happen to be reading! Say hello, don't be shy!).

Just an advance notice to say tonight's wrap up of DISCO NIGHT won't be posted until AFTER the verdict on Monday night, because tonight I'll be grooving away at another disco night altogether - PARKLIFE!

So instead of watching Jacob Butler do Play That Funky Music White Boy like I KNOW he's going to, I'll be partying on with Lyrics Born, Busy P and Justice.

It's hard to know whether tonight's show could be more of a train wreck than last week's ROCK FEST, although disco is traditionally the daggiest semi final night of them all. Must I remind you of Mr Leith?

At any rate, if you're really hard up for something to read on Monday morning and just HAVE to have some Idol bashing, you could try reading my recap of LAST YEAR'S disco show. Ignore the names and it'll probably be about the same.

Party on!

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Australian Idol 07 wrap up: Rock Night


Worst. Idol epsiode. Ever.

For those of you who have actual work to do on a Monday morning, here is tonight's QUICKNEWS rundown:

  • Matt Corby resurrects the tea towel as fashion accessory, looks the part for his rendition of Immigrant Song.

  • Carl Risely hears "rock" and responds with "Coldplay". And "salsa".

  • Brianna Carpenter admits to being totally deaf in one ear. Australia slaps its collective forehead in sudden understanding.

  • Lana Krost stubbornly refuses to help me win a bet by singing something by The Veronicas, does the Hi-5 version of Little Birdy instead.

  • Jacob Butler pulls the Gallagher brothers out of his increasingly predictable box of tricks for one more karaoke performance.

  • Holden and Kyle label Dicko a "nob", "old tragic clown", "diarrhea breath" and "Bindi Irwin" in the space of 30 seconds. I label him a "deadset legend".

  • Ben Mackenzie does a more feminine rendition of a Little Birdy song than Katie Steele.

  • The best performance of the night comes from a singing germ on the Domestos ad.

Yes, when a 3D germ that sings about vomit is the most entertaining part of the evening, it's fair to say our final 11 is perhaps less talented than we originally thought. But hey, we're stuck with them now so let's just sit back and enjoy the bloodbath, shall we?

Matt "Honestly, how is it possible for me to be so good looking at this young age?" Corby is up first. Sheridan Tyler has been given the task of making all the Idols look ROCK tonight, so they'll look extra hardcore when they get up on stage to do their salsa versions of Coldplay. Matt describes his personal style as "homo chic" - Ben Mackenzie's ears prick up, but whoops, he actually said "HOBO chic". As if that's any better. I'd rather look like a homo than a hobo - they have much better shoes. Sheridan dresses Matt in some women's jeans (size 27 waist - yep, I feel sick too) and a safari suit jacket with a tea towel wrapped around his neck. And he STILL looks hot. That is the mark of a star, people.

Clearly Matt feels like he's been too successful and popular up to this point, and so Googles "songs impossible to sing unless you are Robert Plant". He comes up with Immigrant Song, quickly learns the lyrics and bounds on stage screaming "Waaahhh-ah-ahhhhh-HA!" It's like a home invasion. He actually sounds a bit like Tina Turner - perhaps it's those ladies' jeans. He's living up to the hobo style though, in a fedora and a grey sack. Forget recording an album - he'd make more money if he went to Central Station and put the hat down on the ground. As soon as he started screaming "Waaahhh-ah-ahhhhh-HA!" people would assume he had a mental problem and throw cash at him to stop.

Holden jumps on the Chris Lilly bandwagon and says it was like watching Summer Heights High's production of Led Zeppelin The Musical. Marcia asks how old he is, and then says "semen". Or maybe she said "seamless", I can't quite remember. Dicko is so excited that matt chose to do Led Zep he forgets to critique the performance, while Kyle muses on what he would have done if he were young and pretty like Matt. Gone out and had lots of sex, I'd imagine.

Moving on to Carl "I'm gonna be the king of swing, even if I can't sing" Risely. They say you're only as good as your last performance, which makes Carl pretty crap at this point, given his last performance was a swing version of Waltzing Matilda. I hope against hope that he will do Hendrix's Star Spangled Banner tonight and keep the nationalist theme going. But as it turns out, Carl's slightly confused as to what the theme of tonight's show is. I imagine the conversation backstage went something like this:

CARL: So, what night is it again?

PRODUCER: Rock night.

CARL: What night? Frock night? I can't go out there in a dress!

PRODUCER: No, rock night.

CARL: Jocks night? You mean we have to perform in our underwear?


CARL: Socks?


CARL: Ohhhh CLOCKS. Got it! Coldplay here I come.

Not only does Carl try to pass Coldplay off as "rock", but he turns it into a bongofied salsa mess that sounds like something you'd hear in the Outer Coonabarabran Best Western lifts. I keep expecting him to ask us to try the veal. Note to Carl: YOU ARE NOT BOBBY FLYNN.

Dicko says he's being a lazy bugger, it was a lazy performance and it wasn't rock. The whole of Australia would yell "NO SHIT!" but we're all half asleep already. Marcia gives possibly her best critique ever by saying "I have nothing to say. It's self explanatory. Thank you." Kyle calls Carl a jellyfish, and said his wobbling didn't get him excited. Guess he's off the backstage orgy door list then. It's clear tonight's show is going to be a quote fest - we'll give the first honour to Holden:

"You're the Barney Rubble of rock and the Daryl Somers of swing."

Backstage, Brianna rethinks her 1920s German cabaret interpretation of Total Eclipse of the Heart.

Speaking of Brianna "I'm half deaf and doesn't that explain EVERYTHING" Carpenter, she's up next, with Supertramp's The Logical Song. Oh good, a song that allows her to bat her eyelashes and play act her way in a strange accent through the entire first verse - JUST FOR SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

"Please tell me who I AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMM!" she shrieks off key. We're not sure WHO you are, but we know WHAT you are: NOT A VERY GOOD SINGER.

Cut to the judges - Dicko looks bored, Kyle looks physically ill and Holden has his head in his hands. Better start with Marcia. She says that song is "steeped in tradition", and it's an angry and confused song, and Brianna took it somewhere different. Noooo, actually, I think it was still confused. Kyle says he hated it, she looked ridiculous, she sounded ridiculous, and the whole night is turning out to be like an old person's rock radio station playlist. Amen. Holden says "Somebody tell me when it's over", asks for some medication and shakes all over for a good 10 seconds to rid himself of the demons of bad singing Brianna has haunted the studio with. Time for another classic quote from the H man:

"If you're going to be an individual, can you be an individual that sings in tune?"

Sha-ZAM! Brianna responds by saying she's having trouble hearing herself on stage, prompting Dicko to call for her resignation from the show.

"That had all the attitude of a mother and toddler group."

Oh, SNAP! Then Brianna cuts her own bloodbath short by announcing to the nation that she's deaf in one ear. Not exactly sure why she thinks she can be a singer then - you don't get people with no arms and legs claiming to be top swimmers! Oh wait, yes you do. Maybe Bri-Bri will become a champion for the disableds. Will this announcement result in a sympathy vote? Time will tell.

Next up is Marty "I still can't remember this guy's last name". Sheridan tosses him in some leather pants (ok, he doesn't TOSS him... well maybe he did when the cameras are off) and he does Paolo Nutini's Jenny Don't Be Hasty. OK guys, just a reminder: tonight is ROCK NIGHT. Just making sure you got that. It's a perfect song for him though, given he sounds exactly like Paolo Nutini most of the time anyway, but he still manages to bugger it up by losing the timing half way through and ending on a bum note. And his eyebrows are too bushy. So there.

Kyle sympathises with Marty about all the rumours flying around about him lately. "Are they in the media yet?" he asks. "No, they're not," says Marty. Whoops. So look out for the new Idol scandal in Confidential tomorrow. Holden says he lost the pocket half way through the song, so everyone gets down on their hands and knees to find a small square of leather and Holden's keys. Marcia continues the worrying trend of saying something normal and entirely unfunny - is she actually giving decent critique now? Maybe she's changed medication.

Moving on to Lana "No, I won't sing The Veronicas" Krost, who describes her personal style as versatile. "I can go from girly to vintage to a flanny," she crows, as if she's just described how she can cook, juggle and do her taxes at the same time.

She brings the first actual rock song for the night with little Birdy's Come On. Except it's the Hi-5 version, with lots of smiling and arm waving, and a break for juice and a nap.

Holden says Lana's performance was as edgy as Dicko's jawline. Nuff said. Dicko undermines the entire competition by saying it's a sad fact that if Lana won, she'd sell more records than Little Birdy, who are way more talented than she is. So I guess we should all just go home then? Marcia continues to give coherent, interesting critique by getting Lana to repeat the lyrics to her to prove her performance had no attitude. Wow... Marcia, I... I never thought it would be possible but... I think I love the new you.

So what am I so afraid of?


"Weak as piss."

Next up it's Jacob "Mt Gambier and Adelaide have both disowned me" Butler, who surprises everyone by doing something completely unexpected and original and singing Oasis. What's the story morning glory indeed.

Given that the entire nation is in a semi catatonic state after Yawna's performance, it's a refreshing wake up call when Jacob bounds on stage yelling "ARE YOU READY?!" Woot! Yes we are Jacob, we certainly are! It seems Jacob is also ready: TO GO TO WORK. The guy looks like a businessman on his morning commute. As usual he sounds slightly dodgy, but he puts so much enthusiasm into his performance you can't help but yell "HALLELUJAH!" He's running all over the place like an ADD kid whose Ritalin has just run out, interacting with the band, yelling at the audience, and finishing with an accidentally-on-pupose fall to the floor. Less "rock" and more "cock", really.

Dicko tells him he's turning into a Britpop tribute act, questions his "Inspector Gadget" outfit and declares his performance "nob like". So, quite positive then. Kyle says he loved the whole thing, even the Forrest Gump dancing. Nothing like a backhanded compliment, is there? Holden says "crikey!" a few hundred times to make sure everyone understood his hilarious joke earlier in the show about Dicko wearing Bindi Irwin's shirt. Then he brings the show to a new low by calling Dicko "diarrhea breath" and tells Jacob to touch his nuances. I think this entire segment is best forgotten quickly.

Let's move on to Tarisai "I swear to god I'm older than five" Vushe, who's doing the Black Crowes' version of Hard to Handle. You'd think she'd romp this one in, but she manages to make a mess out of it - although not as big a mess as the one currently attached to her head. It looks like her hair has exploded out to one side, perhaps in an effort to escape this dog's breakfast of a song.

Kyle says he loves Tarisai more and more each week, and that he could love her even MORE if she'd just accept his invitation to come to the backstage Idol orgy one of these days... Holden calls her Tiramisu again, as if that joke was ever funny in the first place. Dicko says her performance was like "the search for Africa's next TV evangelist" - seriously, is that a real TV show? Because Tarisai would totally win it.

Moving on to Ben "I'm not gay, I'm asexual" McKenzie, who is doing a bad impression of a straight man by pretending to be annoyed about having to wear Sheridan's patterned jeans. Yet AGAIN Benji refuses to prove that he is actually Kav Temperley circa 1990 and does Little Birdy instead of Eskimo Joe. Obviously there's only one CD in the Idol mansion and it's Hollywood. As always he gives a decent performance - there's something about his voice that's very likeable, but it's far from rock.

Kyle continues to dish out the backhanders by saying "For such a pooncy guy you're a rock solid performer." Holden says there's too much Jamie Redfern in him. Read into that what you will. Dicko continues the obscure Bindi references by saying Benji is less rock than Bindi Irwin. PetStarr wonders how many Google searches she's going to get for "Bindi Irwin" this week.

Daniel "No, I'm not Greg from The Biggest Loser" Mifsud is next, with Jimi Hendrix's Fire, one of the sexiest, dirtiest, sweatiest rock songs ever. Now imagine it done by Greg Brady. That's pretty much Dan's performance.

Holden shows off his comedy skills by saying Daniel "lit up the stage". Get it? LIT UP? Fire? Get it? He cracks me up. Kyle says it was like Donny Osmond does rock and roll. Marcia says "Hendrix lives". Amazing - who would have thought Hendrix would come back as a skinny, white, scarf-wearing werewolf impersonator from Melbourne? It seems obvious when you think about it though.

Second to last tonight is Natalie "I'm attractive and a really good singer but no one remembers me so I probably won't win" Gauchi, who has gone to her big book of BIG CALLS and turned to chapter six, THE BIGGEST CALLS EVER and turned to paragraph 12, "GUNS N ROSES: Why it should never be attempted on Idol, and especially not Sweet Child O Mine, and especially not in the style of Norah Jones".

Strangely enough, she's chosen to do the Gunners' Sweet Child O Mine in the style of Norah Jones. Strike one. Then she starts off on a stool. Strike two. Then she changes all the lyrical references to "her" and "she" to "him" and "he". Strike three. She might as well do the telephone hand signal at the end now, there's no saving this.

Dicko says Natalie's performance made him glad Guns n Roses never auditioned Vanessa Carlton for the role of lead singer. On another note - can you imagine Axl Rose doing 1000 Miles? THAT would be awesome. Marcia says she doesn't know what she's sitting there listening to or watching. I guess that short run of coherence couldn't last forever. Holden calls it a big disappointment - I agree, I was just satrting to like the new Marcia. Kyle declares the whole competition bullshit, and then says Natalie's glittery stockings are bad. The producers run off to find a replacement dummy for him.

Finally bringing up the rear is Mark "Diddle-dee-dee leprechaun potatoes" Da Costa, who has decided to show everyone what rock's all about by doing the worst AC DC song ever, High Voltage. Yawn. Every time he sings "Hiiiiiiigh" I wish he'd finish it with "way to HELL!" and really show us some rock, but alas. Well, what do you expect from an Irish folk singer? He's obviously been studying his Dean Geyer: Stare your way to success DVD very closely, as he barely lets a camera pass over him without staring down the barrel and freaking out the cameraman. With his rock eyeliner on it's all a bit Little Britain.

Look into my eyes, not around the eyes...

Kyle admires Mark's skinny jeans, musing on how only gay men, rock men and men with bird legs can pull them off. But if Mark wants to stop by his dressing room after the show he can have a go at pulling them off himself. Marcia praises him for looking comfortable on stage. Holden criticises him for looking comfortable on stage. What do you want him to do, Holden, wear ill fitting shoes next time? Then he asks him to think about David Lee Roth - so I think we can probably discount Holden's comments from now on.

And so concludes ROCK NIGHT - possibly the worst bunch of performances on TV since... no, actually I think this is the worst.

Stay tuned for Monday night's result. I'm looking at YOU, Brianna.

TUESDAY'S UPDATE: Colour me surprised, it's Brianna that gets the boot.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Australian Idol 07 wrap up: Idol's Choice

For those of you who don't have the time to read my rather lengthy expositions on all things Idol, here are some of the highlights of Sunday night's episode in QUICKNEWS format:

  • Benji Mac revealed his love of amateur dramatics and displayed an incredible likeness to Summer Heights High's Mr G in the process.

  • Mark Da Costa revealed his incredible ROCK AND ROLL experience by admitting he used to play in an Irish folk band. No one is surprised.

  • Dan Mifsud cemented his position in the top three Idol finalists by choosing to do a Justin Timberlake song, which then turned out to be the as yet unreleased chart flopper Dog's Breakfast.

  • Carl Risely continued his dumb American tourist impression by donning an incredibly stupid hat and singing that #1 pop classic, Waltzing Matilda.

  • Jacob Butler tried to steal the rock from Mark Da Costa by dressing as a valet and singing The Killers. Considering Mark is an Irish folk singer, this goal was achieved relatively easily.

  • Tarisai yelled a bit more, Marty looked uncomfortable, and Brianna sang out of tune.

So just another day at the Idol ranch, really.

For those of you sticking around for the in depth analysis, let's get it on!

Tonight's episode is themed "Idol's choice", which is really exciting because THAT'S ONLY WHAT THEY'VE ALL ALREADY BEEN DOING EVERY WEEK FOR THE LAST MONTH.

To fit the theme, the judges have all dressed as "judge's choice". Clearly Holden's choice is to look like the Fonz in a too-young-for-him black jacket, while Marcia's is to resemble a piece of confectionery (possibly a Marciamallow) in a bright pink ensemble complete with rat's tail. Maybe all those Pascall ads have finally gotten to her, and the next time we see her will be singing along to Boogie Wonderland in the "My Mum Rocks Competition". We can only hope.

First down the chute tonight is Benji "Just you wait til my voice breaks" Mac, with what Ken Doll dubs a "Maroon 5 classic", Sunday Morning. If we're allowed to call songs released only three years ago "classics" then how about the Britney Spears classic My Prerogative? Or the Ashlee Simpson classic Pieces of Me? Lord knows the Mac could handle it with his voice.

But before he hits the stage we're treated to a montage (can't have an Idol without a montage) showing us all the things little Benji likes to get up to in his non-Idol life, which includes making "cheesy horror films" and prancing about in school plays. It's all incredibly Mr G. I sincerely hope he chooses to perform tonight in bedazzled lycra and legwarmers, but alas, it seems Sheridan Tyler has gotten to him first and dressed him in his favourite Idol costume: jeans, black jacket and white T shirt. But it's not just any white t shirt - it's got a big bloody picture of an apple on it, so Holden can start getting all his one-liners about ``wanting to take a bite out of Benji'' ready now.

"You know what this is, it's Young Talent Time," says my Idol sidecar Raoul.

I have to agree. Benji's cute alright, but he's got no balls. Ok, so we already knew that. What I meant was his vocals are weak. The song is dullsville. Oh well, that's what you get for choosing a CLASSIC.

Holden says it's hard to believe Benji is 16. As it turns out, he's 17, so I guess that explains why it's so hard to believe. Holden says it was a weird song choice, and that he wants more emotional depth from Benji. Yeah, that's what I want - emotional depth from a 17 year old. What's he going to draw on Holden? The time the dog ate his homework? Dicko says Benji is Australia's favourite younger brother, but everyone knows younger brothers are irritating so he should watch out. He should also watch out next time he opens his wardrobe door, because Australia's favourite older brother Kamahl has balanced a bucket of water on the top. PWNED! Marciamallow says congratulations, and staunchly refuses to start swearing like a sailor despite what Dicko might have told me and my friends about her last weekend. Kyle says Benji is crazy and nutty backstage, which makes me think he may have joined in that Idol orgy that seems to still be swinging away every week in the wings.

Moving on to Mark "Don't stop da rock" Da Costa, who announces that he loves rock and roll because it's "raw, unpredictable, and not plastic". Rather unlike Mr Da Costa himself.

"Get a f*cking haircut you loser," yells Raoul. I concur.

Mark has earned himself the position of resident Idol rockstar this season, seemingly by virtue of singing Evie a couple of times and owning a mullet. But tonight we learn his true rock and roll history, the totally-wild-but-true back story to his burgeoning hard rock career: He plays in an Irish folk band. Aye begorrah, when you want to please the ladies you can't beat a fiddle, to be sure!

Tonight he's sprayed on some black pants that show off his girly Riverdance legs as he darts about the stage for U2's Vertigo. He even manages to channel fellow paddy Damien Leith in some extremely dodgy dancing, reminiscent of Damo's torturously bad Celebration performance last year, before switching channels to Mutto and getting down on one knee in "the Mutto crouch". The judges will probably love this crap.

Dicko says it was a little mannered, and Mark should have gone wild. Maybe if he pretended he was back at Ye Olde Shamrock pub in Fitzroy, cutting sick on a bit of Danny Boy, that might have helped. Marcia says she's so glad Mark is in this competition, but doesn't finish her sentence with the obvious "Because it gives me something to laugh at every week". Kyle says he needs Mark to get harder - so I think we can chalk another one up for the backstage Idol orgy. Holden says he likes Mark's bar. Or he wants to take Mark to a bar. Or Mark set the bar high. Something like that. Anyway it doesn't matter, it's time for Lana "Not a girl, not yet a woman" Krost with her rendition of Natalie Imbruglia's Shiver.

If Benji Mac is Mr G then Lana is definitely Ja'mie. We get to see a riveting montage about her friends, her family and her achievements at school, which gives pervy middle aged men everywhere the opportunity to see her in a school uniform. Not that they need have bothered setting the VCR for that short snippet, as she spends the next three minutes on stage in a dress so small and tight just the sight of it would make Benji Mac sing like Barry White. No wonder she's shivering. But hang on - that's not a dress... It's a... Oh god no it can't be... is it? Could it really be A JUMPSUIT? And a MACRAME one at that?

Sheridan Tyler takes a hit off his crack pipe backstage and coos "Some of my best work."

Lana's also gone for the Amy Winehouse eye makeup and hair this week, which could mean that by the next show she'll have gotten a dodgy boyfriend, descended into anorexia and drug abuse and made the full round trip from pure-as-snow virgin to crack whore in just three weeks. Top work, Lana!

Marciamallow says it was a great job, because it's hard to walk down stairs and sing at the same time. Especially when you're half Amy Winehouse - don't you just throw yourself down them and yell? Kyle says he wants to see more of what Lana's mum sees when she's on stage. No one really knows what this means, but we know it's a bit creepy. Holden likens her to Charlotte Church, and Lana collapses in a screaming heap at the thought of ending up like this. Then he tells her to sing less. Perhaps she could deliver her next performance in mime? Dicko says Lana is a teacher's pet and seems to be holding onto something. Thousands of pervy middle aged men around the nation heave a deep sigh.

Moving right along to Werewolf Le Scarf/Greg Brady/Greaseman/Daniel Mifsud, whose montage of baby photos surprises everyone by containing NOT ONE picture of him in a scarf. What, you mean he wasn't born with one?

Tonight he's wearing another Wolfmother vest (confirming my suspicions that vests are the new scarves in Idol land), but all is forgiven when it is announced Scarfy will sing Justin Timberlake's Cry Me a River. Female fandom is guaranteed.

At least, it WOULD have been, had he not rearranged it into an audible dog's breakfast in which he sounds like Mika with strep throat singing over the top of the Jaws soundtrack while a Van Halen impersonator does several solos in the middle.

Kyle goes for the Understatement of the Year Award by saying it was "a bit of a sloppy mess". Dicko says Daniel "burns up the screen". Somewhere, Husny cries silently, knowing he has been dethroned. Marcia says a little bit of Justin goes a long way - so it's a pity that performance wasn't ANY bit Justin.

And now for the first of tonight's car crashes, Carl "I swear I'm not an American tourist" Risely, who has foregone his Aussie-Aussie-Aussie cap this week in favour of a natty straw boater. The cap was better. Hang on - has anyone ever noticed how much Carl looks like Matt Dillon?

Spot the difference.

His montage informs us that he's a trumpet player in the navy - AS IF WE DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW.

I'm not going to go into all the details of the tragedy that is his performance - suffice it to say that he does a swing version of Waltzing Matilda. Just imagine that. That's really all you need to know.

Clearly Sheridan has loaned his crack pipe to the judges during the last ad break, as they all applaud Carl for his "perfect song choice" and amazing performance. Except for Kyle, who has obviously paid heed to all those Government funded anti-drug ads and so is the only one sober enough to deliver an accurate judgement - that it was a naff load of crap. Goodbye Carl, it was nice knowing you.

Next up is Holly "The pride of Mildura" Weinert, whose montage tells us all about her passion for making her own clothes. hopefully she'll win this thing so she won't have to fall back on fashion designing as a career, because her clothes are worse than Brianna Carpenter's worst nightmares.

Tonight she's paying homage to those other failed reality TV pop stars Bardot by dressing as Sophie Monk from the Poison video clip, sans budgie feathers. It's a confusing look from someone who until now has turned up in K Mart sportswear. SHe looks utterly hot hot hot, but sort of slacks about the stage in it like she's been forced to wear something sexy and really she'd rather be at home in her uggies, thanks.

She sings The Gossip's Standing in the Way of Control. Or rather, stumbles and yells her way through it. Everyone gets ready for Holden to make an obvious gag about this song "standing in the way" of her winning Idol.

Dicko tells her it was a silly song to choose, and then makes a few fat jokes about Beth Ditto. Fortunately there are no fat chicks on Idol this year so no one complains. Kyle tells her she looks like Patti Newton on crack. Backstage, Sheridan and Patti look at each other over the pipe and go "WTF?". Holden declares Kyle's gag "the line of the decade", and there are backslaps and cheers all round before everyone remembers Holly's still standing there and they probably have to say something to her. So Holden tells her she's like Reigan Derry - hopefully this means she'll turn up next week in a disco milkmaid outfit to sing some obscure song from a WA band no one's ever heard of. Holly says she's trying to be different in response to what people on the interwebz have been saying about her, prompting Kyle to yell "Don't read those forums, the little slobs have nothing better to do!" Ooooh, do you think he's talking about US? Cos if he is he's right.

Next up is Matt "Still on track to win this whole shebang" Corby, who does a spiffing version of Coldplay's The Scientist. It's utterly fabulous - the boy knows how to work a mike, and he's even got his Dean Geyer stare down pat to make sure there's not a dry seat in Australia. I'm not going to waste time by describing how completely gorgeous and wonderful Matt is - but I will mention that in his montage we got to see him being cling-wrapped to a tree. Needless to say, this image has been saved to my memory bank for future use.

Marciamallow makes sense for the first time this season by saying the performance was beautifully melodic and beautifully simple. Kyle tries to invent his own touchdown by asking everyone to stand up to salute the star. Not quite as catchy, but I like it. Holden says things like "control" and "falsetto", and then moves forward a few years in the `90s by upgrading his ``Yo!'' catchphrase of previous episodes to a solid "Booyah!" Dicko says he doesn't want to rain on everyone's parade, but then does, by saying Matt turned Coldplay into something you'd hear in a hotel lobby. So... Coldplay, then? Then he criticises him for not singing Chris Martin's song as well as Chris Martin does, which seems MORE THAN A TAD UNFAIR. Mark Da Costa, on the other hand, clearly put Bono in the shade with his Irish folk version of Vertigo earlier in the night.

Natalie Gauchi is next, and from her montage we learn that in her non-Idol life she works as a waitress in her parents' cafe, serving lunch special pastas and salads for $9.90. So if she doesn't win this thing at least she can fall back on being the understudy for Cafe Primo's Lena.

She's straightened her hair and whacked on some fancy slap to do Powderfinger's On My Mind, and apart from her yet-again appalling outfit, she's dynamite. In fact, it's possible she's even better than Matt Corby.

"Oh my god, I SO can't believe you just said that."

Kyle says she took the song to a pretty good place, like maybe the zoo or the movies. Holden dusts off his Idol meter and says she could have gone 20% more at the end. Dicko takes another hit off Sheridan's crack pipe and says Natalie exists in the outer reaches of populism.

Let's move on to Jacob "I was on X Factor but don't hold that against me" Butler, who if the newspapers are to be believed, is the pride of old Adelaide-town. I asked a few Adelaideans (including myself) today what they thought about Jacob Butler, and the most common answer was "Who?" followed by "That twerp?" So, perhaps not.

He's dressed as a valet in one of Holden's old cast off jackets - a natty little red velour number that looks like it's covered in a thin film of dust. It's very fetching.

Bets are on as to what song the Butler will do tonight. My second Idol sidecar Scootie goes for Jet. Audrey says One Crowded Hour. I say Jakey will shake it up and do Acca Dacca.

"I've always been a big fan of Oasis..."


Fortunately (or not, depending on how you look at it) he does The Killers When You Were Young which is one of my favourite songs of the last few years. Thankfully, he doesn't rape it. But he does sort of touch it up. At the very least he makes a few lewd remarks at it.

Holden yells "Jacob Butler is BAAAAACK!" and makes us all wonder a) where he'd gotten to in the first place, and b) why he didn't just stay there. Then he says it's great Jacob is starting to sing with his eyes. What the hell? I must have missed that bit - but with talent like that he could star at next year's Adelaide Fringe. Dicko says Jacob "inhabited" the song, but now his rent's overdue and he's being forced to evict him. I don' know what Marciamallow says, I'm too distracted by how much she looks like an Asian marshmallow. Kyle says Jacob is "the real deal", which is probably true if you're talking about being dealt two threes, a two and a five.

Next up is little Tarisai "Stop calling me Tiramisu muthaf*cka" Vushe, who's borrowed Mark Da Costa's spray on black jeans to do some Alica Keys. It's some song about "If I was Your Woman". If Tarisai was MY woman, I can confidently say there'd probably be complaints from the neighbours about all her yelling.

As usual there are a lot of power notes and it's pretty great, but it's just BORING. Will someone give this girl a personality please? Even the guy sitting next to her mum in the audience is snapped yawning.

Dicko says she structured it well, because she used to start at 12 (which made it a nightmare to throw to Rove on time, it really did). Marciamallow points out that Tarisai is "pint sized", as if we're all supposed to be continually impressed by small people who make a big noise. SHE'S SMALL, SHE YELLS, SO WHAT? I spent the majority of my weekend with a three year old who could reasonably pursue a career as a car alarm - no one thought HE was special. Holden constructs a sentence from the following phrases: "built it", "show me the money", "ka ching!" and "no sale". Then he asks Sheridan to pass the dutchie on the left hand side, and we move on to Marty "Who" "No really, I don't even know his last name".

Marty's montage video shows him off to be a true working class hero - his dad's a brickie, his mum's a cleaner and his brother's a garbo. Oh PLEASE sing Jimmy Barnes, I think. But no, he's opted to do The Police's Can't Stand Losin You. Good one Marty, three quarters of your fans will have no idea what you're doing. Why doesn't this guy just do Jack Johnson's Flake and be done with it?

Marciamallow looks up through the smoke emanating from Holden's end of the judging table and says "That was ok, wasn't it?" Er, we dunno Marcia. Isn't that YOUR job? Kyle asks Marty what his fears are, and Marty says his hands. One would assume that a bloke who was afraid of his own hands might have some problems entering the big bad world of showbiz, but we shall press on. Holden tells Marty he needs to be more of a storyteller, and then launches into a bizarre fairytale about a surfer being "dropped in on" by a tourist in an effort to "connect" with the nervous little surfer boy before him. "Uncomfortable" is a word that springs to mind here. Dicko wraps up the completely pointless and slightly weird comments fest by telling Marty to get perpendicular. Sheridan fluffs up another pillow in the orgy room for later on.

FINALLY THANK THE LORD IN HEAVEN it's our final contestant, Brianna "I sing with an accent even though I'm from the Gold Coast" Carpenter.

Song bets are on again: Frente? Flame Trees a la Sarah Blasko? Holly Throsby? Cornflake Girl? FOOLS! Don't try and fence this free spirit in - she'll always escape and she'll ALWAYS surprise you!

Tonight she surprises us with The Beach Boys God Only Knows, which allows everyone around the country to join in with the same obvious joke: "God only knows how she's still in this competition." Woot! Snaps to Australia for that gag!

Just for something different, Bri-Bri's wearing a little frock with massive buttons on it like Pollyanna, and just for something else different, she's batting her Clockwork Orange eyelashes, pouting and singing in a made-up accent that she stole from Regina Spekto and Bjork. And in a completely unique twist, Brianna has chosen to perform this song completely flat, in a key way too high for her. Ace! She even throws in some dodgy Carl Risely-style scatting at the end. Double ace!

Kyle says he's surprised but he didn't mind it. I guess he's finally succumbed to peer pressure and taken a hit off that pipe that's been doing the rounds. Holden says he loves her originality (again - big buttons and a stupid fringe don't make a person ORIGINAL Holden, they just make them noticeable) but finally admits that she keeps dropping bum notes. Then he calls for someone to "bring out the Betty Booper Scooper." This sounds utterly ridiculous to me, but if he's finally admitting that Brianna can't sing I'll agree wholeheartedly. Dicko says the cutesy play acting is starting to get on his nerves. STARTING? Even Marciamallow says she needs to watch her pitch. PRAISE THE LORD, THE JUDGES ARE SEEING SENSE.

And so kids, the moral of this story is - crack isn't all bad.

It's coming....

Sorry peeps, last night's Idol recap is coming... I promise.

Monday, September 03, 2007

Australian Idol 07 wrap up: Wildcard Results

Right, Australia. Let me just start by saying I'm not ANGRY. I'm just DISAPPOINTED.


But I'm getting ahead of myself here. We'll get to that later. Still, tonight's will be a hasty recap - no point labouring over such a pointless hour of television, right?

After some farting about to fill the first segment of the program, including three minutes of boredom with the least funny woman in Australia, Cal Wilson, Ken Doll steps forward to announce the first two wildcards to be admitted into the holy sacrament of the final 12. These two happy little Idolites have been decided by the public's vote. Got that? THE PUBLIC'S VOTE. Just making sure you heard me.

First to get through is Werewolf Le Scarf, aka Daniel Mifsud, who's done something completely different tonight and worn YET ANOTHER girly bodyshirt. And seriously, what is with the hair? I'm thinking:


Husny continues to sit on the sidelines, looking forlorn. Poor Husny.

"I think Australia would like to see why they voted you in," enthuses Ken Doll, not knowing how right he is.

I mean, I LIKED Wolfy last night, just not as much as Sarah. OR HUSNY, GOD DAMMIT.

Stunned, Greaseman launches into a repeat performance of last night, which means we all have to suffer through Roachford again. But not as much as Dan does - his voice is cracking all over the place like a plumber in tracky daks. Where the hell has he been for the last 12 hours? At a footy match smoking and eating glass, by the sounds of it. Australia begins to rethink its vote.

Then it's time for the next Ken Doll announcement, but not before we get a big old close up shot of Brianna's neon pink stockings. For god's sake, has the girl got shares in a stocking company? And by the way, is that all it takes these days to be recognised as "kooky" - wearing daft coloured hosiery?

And the next Idol loser to be shifted from the reject pile into the slightly less reject pile is Mark Da Costa. No, really. No, I'm actually serious.

He's foregone the faux rock T shirt tonight in favour of Daniel Mifsud's Wolfmother/Peter Brady vest from last night - lord, is this going to be the next male Idol fashion trend? Just when you think you've gotten rid of the scarf...

Ken Doll asks him how he's feeling, and he turns into a comedian by doing a star impression of Holden: "Wowity bowity wow-ow-ow bow!" Strangely, this sounds just like his rendition of Evie last night.

Then, to prove it, he does Evie again. FOR THE THIRD TIME THIS SERIES. He manages to spend a good 3/4 of the performance facing the wrong way, which means all those morons who voted for him now get a stunning two minutes of footage of the back of his mullet. Then he finishes, and dedicates the song to a friend of his with cancer. DAMN YOU, DA COSTA. Making me feel bad and all.

Up in the special Idol 12 room, Monkey Boy asks Da Costa how he feels about getting through with his mate Daniel.

"It's great! We're not just here to sing, we're here to experience," he says.

Experience what? Each other, perhaps? OMG! Will Werewolf and Da Costa be the male homo-suggestive couple to Brianna and Holly's female love duo this year? They'll have to invite Carl and Kyle along if they are. And possibly Jacob, given that Da Costa has just launched into some speech about how Jacob is everyone's mum and he is their dad. What are they putting in the water up there?

Ken Doll throws to an ad break, but Dicko says they'll need more than that for the judges to decide the next two finalists.

"You might have to show some cartoons or something," he says.

"We're going to show Bobby Flynn," says Ken Doll.

"That works," says Marcia, who's obviously a long time reader of the BC, and is already aware of this comparison I made last year:

Spot the difference.

Who needs cartoons?

Back from the adbreak, and we get to watch another three minutes of boredom - no, not Cal Wilson again, this time it's Hayley Jensen, a former Idol reject, telling us all about her crap new single she's paid for herself. Good onya Hayley. It also appears that Hayley has been entertaining troops in Iraq with Carl Risely's trumpet. Let's not think about that too much.

Time for Bobby "I like to explore myself through music" Flynn, who I love utterly but love to pay out more. He looks a total mess with his shirt half hanging out of his pants, and a big muffin top for a hairdo. It's OK Bobby, none of us think you're COMMERCIAL, you don't have to go overboard to prove it just because you're appearing on Channel 10 again. Anyway, he sings his song, yada yada yada, time for the final two.

Kyle says it's a "disgrace" that they can only put through another two people, and then announces their first choice is Carl Risely.

This picture is as random as that choice.

Exqueeze me? Baking powder? Did they just put through the guy who NOT ONLY can only sing one song, but that only owns one suit? Kyle's right, that IS a disgrace. Sure he's HOT and all, but fuck! What about Sarah "Candyman" Lloyde and her amazing pins? WHAT ABOUT HUSNY???

Carl sings his swing number again, and admittedly it sounds a lot hotter than last night's effort, but still. He's no Idol. OR IS HE? No, he's not.

Then everyone says a few sentences involving the word "journey" and it's time for our last finalist, who is...


It's Natalie Gauchi, who - you know - I'm sort of happy about, because she was pretty awesome last night even in that chunky test pattern of a dress. Tonight she's looking even worse in a very dodgy mini skirt and leather jacket. I refuse to believe it is THIS DIFFICULT to dress this woman. SHERIDAN TYLER LIFT YOUR GAME.

And then it's all over. We have our dozen, ladies and gents. Let's get on with it.

Sunday, September 02, 2007

Australian Idol 07 wrap up: The Wildcards

We're down to our final eight Idolites, and there's only four spots left - the competition is getting cutthroat now, kids! Let's get this shit underway, but first, some comments from our judges:

Holden: "Wildcards can be winners!"

Dicko: "I like the desperation of the Idols!"

Kyle: "Sing your ring out or go home a loser!"

That'll do it! Now, first up is Jack "Wig man" Byrnes - although I'm not sure I can call him that any more... Has he had a haircut?

Maybe not.

I guess Daniel Mifsud now officially has the scariest hair in the competition.


Jack's doing Long Train Running, which is one of those songs you think you've never heard of until the chorus hits "Without loooooooove, loooo-oooo-oooove!" It's a good song choice for Jack, and he tears it up, whipping his head around so fast the cameraman has to change his lens settings to avoid getting motion blur. Jack does a bit of a Husny prance at one point (I believe that's what the kids in the dance halls are calling it these days), and even lets loose with a "YEEOOOW!" It's hot. I can't believe it, but I love it. I love Jack! If only he'd get rid of that creepy little moustache.

Holden checks his Idol meter again and says Jack has tons of energy but only got 3/4 of the way there. So, 3/4 of a ton? How much is that in imperial? Anyway, he then says Jack is simply singing the song, and that's not enough in this competition. What the hell else do you want him to do Holden, act it out? Still, it worked for Brianna. Disputing Holden's calculations, Dicko gets HIS Idol meter out and says actually Jack is lacking 25% finesse. Kyle says they're both wrong, and Jack was only 5% off. Marcia compliments the guitarist in the band.

Let's hope someone in the crew has some spare batteries to get these Idol meters up to speed as we move on to wildcard number two, HUSNY THALIB!

This week Husny has forgone the cassingle necklace and 80s ripped tee for a sort of cyber schoolboy look, in a shirt and tie that may or may not be painted on. I hope that it IS in fact painted on, and that when Husny reaches the climax of the song he'll trip a switch with his foot and turn up the spotlight on himself, gradually melting the bodypaint until he's left there, centre stage, in a totally nude finale. THAT would be unique.

Husny has chosen to do something called I Believe (warning bells should be ringing already - anything with this poxy a title has got to be an over-stated pile of old sap) by Blessid Union of Souls. It's getting scarier, isn't it? As if that's not bad enough, Husny steps out on stage and the song begins with a flourish of chimes - the international indicator of a soppy old pile of arse song. Fuck. WHERE'S MY RASPBERRY BERET, MOTHER F*CKER? He could have at least attempted Cream. Or Gett Off. This song is shit. He sounds rough. Well let's face it, he's never really been able to sing - we love him for his style, right? So it's a real pity he seems to bave entered the stage via a style vacuum this evening. He also seems rooted to the spot - where are all the Husny hip thrusts? Oh woe is me, Husny has been Holdenised!

Who cares, I'll still vote for him. Because HOW HILARIOUS would it be if Husny was our Australian Idol for 2007. Seriously, think about it. It'd be a bigger scandal than Casey Donovan, and all the television reporters could write long opinion pieces on the death of reality TV and gender and bisexuality in popular culture, and how Australia is a melting pot etc. etc. It'd be great for the nation, it really would.

Anyway. Dicko says in many ways, Husny is a star. Just not in the Australian Idol way, which is a pity because that's sort of the competition he's in at the moment. Marcia says something about "the Australian public" for the five millionth time this season. Let's ignore her. Kyle says if they were running "Nice Guy Idol" Husny would probably win. I guess it's fair to say Kyle would probably NOT make the top 24 in that competition. Holden says Husny burns up the camera every time he's on, and so far he's racked up $500,000 in damages and he'll see him in court. Then Holden says he thought Husny's performance was "a meaningful plea for understanding and love that's really beautiful". Even Husny can barely disguise his incredulous laughter. Dicko questions whether Husny can sell records. Of course he can - behind the counter at any K-Mart.

Moving on (vote for Husny) to Carl "Blow your own trumpet" Risely (vote for Husny). First up we get to see Carl's package. But not the package we all WANT to see - just his video package, in which he appears to be dressed as an annoying American tourist.

Gidday mate! I just love all you ossies!

Thankfully he ditches this look for his performance, for which he has chosen to wear THAT BLOODY BLACK SUIT AND TIE AGAIN. Christ, that thing must be stinking up the Idol mansion by now, he's worn it that many times. Or perhaps he has a whole wardrobe full of them, like Superman. Whatever - it's lucky he looks hot in it. Carl continues to push the boundaries and show how unique and versatile he is by doing a swing version of Bye, Bye Love. It's a cool arrangement but there's no guts to his voice - I wish we could put a tumpet in front of his face instead.

"You missed out on the right guuuuuuy!" he sings, before doing some extremely dodgy scatting.

I tend to agree. Lyall Adonis was better than this.

Marcia says Carl has a flavour she totally gets. What flavour would Carl be, I wonder. I guess one would have to lick him to find out...ooh....mmmm... AHEM! Sorry about that. Where was I? Kyle says he wanted to see more of Carl's sexy face. Ooh, so did we, Kyle, so did we. I start to drift into a lovely daydream about licking Carl's sexy face, but I'm jolted out of it into a living nightmare when Kyle demonstrates a "come to bed" look into the camera.

This is followed by a short but disturbing debate about whether Carl would, in fact, like to go to bed with Kyle. For anyone who remembers this moment, it seems quite possible that he would. Holden says he's bland. Everyone agrees, before realising he was actually talking about Carl. Marcia says it's important to remember the camera lenses are eyes - AND THEY CAN SEE DIRECTLY INTO YOUR SOUL AND SUCK OUT YOUR SPIRIT IF YOU'VE BEEN IMPURE, EVIL! EVIL! Dicko tells him he shouldn't scat, because scatting is gobbledegook. Marcia says scatting isn't gobbledegook, it's musical. I have to side with Marcia on this one - if there's anyone I trust to be able to positively identify gobbledegook, it's her. Dicko says Axel Whitehead scatted and now look where he's wound up. Funny, I didn't think getting your cock out at a nationally televised awards show was called "scatting".

Moving on (vote for Husny) to Sarah "Too many consonants" Lllloyydde, who's dragging Idol kicking and screaming into the 21st century with a bit of Christina Aguilera's Candyman. Thank GOD, one the kids will know.

Thankfully she hasn't borrowed one of Carl's navy friends' hats to wear, but she has clearly mugged a three year old for their romper suit.

And it has to be said, she makes it look pretty damn good.

She totally rocks the song, even if the backing singers get to show off more than she does, and she prances about looking hot hot HOT! She almost blows her head apart screaming the final note, but not before cooing "Good things come for boys who wait" and pointing at Holden, sending him into a spontaneous Benny Hill impression.

It was rather like this.

It's fabulous. (Vote for Husny.) And Sarah.

Kyle says there were too many holes in it and he wanted to see more of her. So a few more holes were probably required then. At least in her costume. Holden says Sarah should have had the three guys on the judging panel panting with that song, but she didn't. Um, Holden, remember this?

We do.

"You didn't burn my bibby, baby," he says. I'm not exactly sure what a "bibby" is (is it related to a "shuzzy nucker"?) but if he wants it burned perhaps he should put it on top of a camera Husny's staring at.

Dicko says not even Christina Aguilera could do that song live, which of course explains why she's making millions of dollars singing to hundreds of thousands of fans on her current world tour. Holden jumps back into the fray and says Sarah doesn't understand what the song is really all about. Because they ARE such complex lyrics:

Sweet sugar candy man
He's a one stop, gotcha hot, making all the panties drop
Sweet sugar candy man
He's a one stop, got me hot, making my OOH! pop
Sweet sugar candy man
He's a one stop, get it while it's hot, baby don't stop
Sweet sugar candy man

Moving on to the contestant with the least memorable name in the competition, Dave Andrews. Given that he got panned last time around for singing a dag anthem by John Farnham, we're all on the edge of our seat waiting to see what song Daveo will do tonight. Obviously he'll do something moden and HOT, something very NOW. Maybe he'll do Mark Ronson? Or Silverchair? Fuck, even Powderfinger would do. Come on Dave, what'll it be....?

Live's Dolphins Cry. For fuck's sake.

They sure do, Dave. They sure do.

With lyrics like "God laid me down into your rose garden of trust and I was swept away", this has to be one of the biggest bogan love songs ever. Couples with names like Wayne and Shaz play this shit at their weddings for their first dance.

"Can you hear the dolphins cry?" sings Dave. No, but I can hear plenty of people laughing.

Holden says Dave is a teriffic bloke, and then mentions Vanessa Amorosi in what will be the first of many gratuitous references to her and her new single and probable new album over the course of the series. Dicko calls Dave "fool's gold". Ooh, if only Husny had done THAT song! Plenty of hip thrusting opportunities in the Stone Roses. But I digress. Marcia says Dolphins Cry is one of her favourite songs. So I guess that makes Marcia a closet bogan then. Explains her outfit tonight anyway. Kyle has clearly given up on his Idol meter in favour of his new Idol scale - he says he's weighed up Dave's performances and there's only two of them, and he's seen his slip. I have no idea what any of this means, but if he lends those scales to Holden we might be able to work out exactly what fraction of a ton Jack Byrnes is.

NEXT! It's Daniel Mifusd, aka Werewolf Le Scarf. Although tonight I might have to use Audrey's title for him instead, Greaseman, as he's ditched the scarf this week in favour of showing off his Saturday Night Fever style chest hair. You can practically see the tan line from that thing, he's been wearing it so bloody often.

He's also wearing an Andrew Stockdale style vest, which I HATE (looking like a 1970s out of work pantomime actor is not cool), and I hope he's not going to attempt any dodgy rock leg moves to match. Actually, he looks less like Andrew Stockdale and more like

Clowns never laughed before, beanstalks never grew...

Dan does Roachford's Lay Your Love On Me accompanied by some spastic bobby Flynn-style hand wiggling, and keeps his eyes closed for almost the entire performance. Perhaps he doesn't want to catch sight of himself in a reflection. Or maybe all of Marcia's voodoo talk about the cameras being EYES has freaked him out.

Dicko tells him he should become an architect. Oh no wait, he says he created some architecture in the song. Or something. Whatever, I've started to think about what flavour Carl Risely is again. Vote for Husny. Marcia says she's glad Dan sat down. Then she says his appendage is awkward. I guess that's why he sat down. Holden reprises his Benny Hill impression by saying "I bet you don't have too much trouble getting the ladies to lay down for you!" This comment goes down rather like a balloon would, were it made of lead. Then he consults his Idol meter again and says Dan was only giving 95%. No wait, 98%! Ooh, it's going up! Wait another minute everyone, and it'll be a perfect performance. His final criticism is that Dan wasn't being a drummer. This somehow seems unfair.

Moving right along to our seventh performer for the evening, it's Natalie Gauci, who has consistently let us all down by NOT ONCE getting out her massive keyboard since the initial auditions. She's doing Nina Simone's Feeling Good, which is one of the best songs in the world. Unfortunately, Natalie is wearing one of the worst dresses in the world.

They call those LOVE HANDLES.

She's also teamed them with the worst shoes in the world - a pair of red gumboots. She looks like a test pattern with a visible panty line. Needless to say, this is not good.

She starts slumped on the stairs at the edge of the stage. Has she fallen? Is she drunk? Perhaps she's suffering from chronic fatigue and has stopped for a quick breather on the way to the microphone. No, she's just being SULTRY - sultry singers ALWAYS slump (especially when selling seashells by the seashore). Despite initially coming across as a drunken tramp warbling for spare change, she eventually pulls out one of the best performances of the night with this one. She sounds great. Vote for Husny. And Sarah. And Natalie.

Marcia realises she hasn't dropped any ebonics for a while and says "That's what I'm talkin' BOUT!" and "Props!" What props, Marcia? I think there's a hatstand backstage somewhere, and maybe an umbrella. Would they do? Holden says she's a breath of fresh air and then bangs on about vocal control again. If he does that one more time, I'm going to use my REMOTE CONTROL to switch him off. Dicko says she's the worst dressed contestant in the best dressed competition. Um, Dicko, remember this:

Not the type of vinyl that's cool.

For some reason unknown to anyone, Holden launches into a 30 second rendition of "Hooray for Bollywood" that's about 27 seconds longer than anyone actually found the joke funny for.

Finally, it's Mark "JD Fortune Lite" Da Costa, who announces he's doing Evie. AGAIN. Hello, didn't we already see him do this in his audition? I wonder if he'll give it the Da Costa twist again by coughing through the first verse.

This week Mark's traded in his Myer Beatles T Shirt for a K-Mart Ramones T Shirt. Department stores are so rock.

All the mums in the audience are rocking out to Mark's hot licks, including Marcia, who is captured dancing by one of the cameras Husny hasn't burned yet. Mark is also rocking out, in his own special way, by screaming and jumping up and down. He jumps into the audience but then doesn't quite know what to do there, so screams and jumps around a little bit more until he can get back on stage.

"Come on give me one more try you know I can't lose!" he screams. We'll see about that.

Kyle feels Marcia's ebonics vibe and goes all Daddy Mac, saying Mark was livin' it large. "YO!" yells Holden. Dicko says it was Mark's coming out party tonight. That'll surprise his girlfriend back home. Marcia says he just sang one of the best rock songs in the world. She forgets to include the word "badly".

And there you have it kids. My favourites from tonight? Sarah, Jack, Natalie, Werewolf and, of course, HUSNY.

Any final words, Holden?

"This is an enormous sand pit."


Saturday, September 01, 2007

Australian Idol 07 wrap up: MASTER RECAP Part Two

So I've finally finished watching the Idol video I miraculously managed to timer tape while I was away in Sydney this week, and now I can bring you THE MASTER RECAP - PART TWO.

(If you haven't already read Part One, I suggest you do.)

Wednesday: The final six (Ladies' Night Take Two).

We're into the business end of things here, kids - only six more finalists to go and just two more spots to fill! Well ok, four spots to fill, if you include the two blokes from last night (who are incidentally, Benji Mac of the perpetually breaking voice and Marty Simpson of the Peter Brady hairdo). Oh, and also there's the wildcard show on Sunday night, so really there's eight more spots to fill. Hmm, it's sort of not that special anymore, is it?

Oh well, on to the first contestant, which tonight is Sarah "Who?" Lloyde. She's clearly scored an invite to Tarisai and Lana Kroft's fancy dress party, as she's come as a private school girl at her formal in 1993.

So it's not the greatest quality photo - it's not the greatest quality outfit either.

Whether through divine intervention or pure technological failure, at the exact point that James "Monkey Boy" Matheson introduced Ms Llllloyddde to the stage, my VCR rather conveniently decided to stop recording sound. When it finally kicked back in again, about four seconds from the end of her song, I realised it was probably for the best.

"YOU'RE GONNNNA LOVE MAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!" she screeched, with more vocal gymnastics than Christina Aguilera on a trapeze.

I'm not exactly sure why MAY was singled out as the month we would adore, but she certainly was insistent upon it.

From the four seconds I saw of her song, I can firmly state that it was ear bleedingly bad. Holden agrees, saying that to sing that song she needs to be "a woman who's been hit in the heart and is bleeding and bloody and wrecked". Um, Holden:

Dicko says Holden used to be a woman, and is now "Mr Bonkers", but then triumphantly steals the title from him by telling Sarah he looked at her package before she sang and it touched him. Isn't this a family show? Of course Dicko has to give the entire history of the song as well, to prove how knowledgable he is about these things. He even quotes a review from the New York Times off the top of his head, as if he carries all this stuff around in his head all the time instead of what he actually does, which is to look it up on Wikipedia before the show. Marcia says she got goosebumps. Holden says he didn't. Marcia says "You haven't had them in a while honey!" and everyone goes "OOOOH!" before realising that that comeback really wasn't very good, and might not have actually made sense at all. Dicko jumps in with a "You don't get goosebumps cos of all the work you've had! Plastic doesn't get goosebumps!" The audience starts chanting "JERRY! JERRY!" before Holden throws a chair at someone and Marcia does the baby daddy dance.

Let's move on shall we, to Morgan "Resident Emo" Hosking, who's just stopped by the studio on her way to a budget goth wedding.

She sings Alanis Morrisette's You Learn in a voice that somehow manages to be both shrill and flat at the same time. Hopefully after seeing this on television, Morgan will LEARN to never sing in public again.

Dicko said he expected more from someone so good at riding the line between being sexy and not too slutty. Um, did he just say "slutty" to a 17 year old? He then steals my joke about her looking like a dodgy goth bridesmaid. COME UP WITH YOUR OWN MATERIAL, DICKSON. Marcia responds with a cryptic "All I can say is I think you got through it." Gee, thanks Marcia. Everyone else who's gone up there with a pile of crap has at least had a "Well done, darlin'!" or a "Good job!" but not our little Morgan. She just gets a straight description of her performance: "Well you stood there on the stage and you sang into that microphone, and you sang Alanis Morissette. That's all I can say." Holden puts his thespian hat on and does a very bad impression of a disappointed, exhausted man, by putting his head in his hands and not saying anything. Unfortunately his talents are wasted, because everyone basically ignores him, forcing him to come out with a showstopper comment: "WORST PERFORMANCE OF THE NIGHT." We're not sure if he's talking about Morgan or himself.

Next up is Holly "I'm blonde and from Mildura but I'm not the homewrecking one" Weinert, who looks positively cute as a button in a Boston Red Sox T shirt and dark pants. She's singing The Commodores' Easy, which I feel may have been a more appropriate song for Jesse Curran to sing, but I digress.

She's a bit of a Tarisai-style yeller, which gets irritating during a whole song, but she's gorgeous and charismatic so we'll forgive her.

Marcia says Holly remained herself during the song. It's always helpful really, to try not to transform shape into someone else halfway through a musical performance. Makes things a lot less confusing. Kyle says he's always found her plain and boring but tonight she's a bit of alright. Holly struggles to care, given that any man of Kyle's looks normally wouldn't get within 10 feet of her without a written warrant. Holden says he's heard the song a million times before, including "the heavy version AND the original version". Which heavy version might that be, Holden? I'm guessing he's referring to Faith No More's version, which actually isn't heavy AT ALL, leading me to believe that Holden HASN'T heard that song a million times before.

Holden goes on to say that Holly turned it into "the 21st century woman version", and he really enjoyed it. Darn - if only she'd gotten to do the full version of the song, where it mentions tampons and childbirth and juggling family and career! Holden would have LOVED that.

Next up is Madison "No, I'm not Lana Kroft, ye si know I look an awful lot like her" Pritchard. Who? I know, I'd never heard of her either. Apparently she's 16, works in a shop and likes horses. Thrilling, yes?

She sings some song by Avril Lavigne, and doesn't sound half bad actually. She's probably got one of the better pure pop voices in the competition this year, but there's quite a few dud notes in there and overall it's just a bit forgettable. Poor whatshername.

Kyle borrows Marcia's Idol meter and said Madison only got to 70%, when she should have been at 90 - 100%. Everyone accepts this as if it a) makes sense, and b) is important. Dicko keeps his Mr Bonkers hat on by quoting Britney Spears, saying Maddy is more than a girl, but not yet a woman. He then continues by saying "I want my kids back, y'all, and where'd mah cigarettes get to, dang it?" As if that's not enough to freak out any 16 year old, Marcia tells Maddy she now belongs to the Australian public. Well guess what Marcia, WE DON'T WANT HER. Guess that makes her an orphan. Sadly for Madison, Lana Kroft has already filled the "pretty dark haired teenage girl" space in the top 12, so I guess we'll never hear from her again.

Next up is Brianna "Mental haircut" Carpenter. Now, I've made no secret of the fact that I'm not much of a fan of Ms Carpenter and her enforced wackiness, especially as it relates to red stockings, smock-dresses with oversized buttons, a striking similarity to Regina-Spektor-slash-Angie-Hart and a really stupid haircut. And tonight, all of those things come together in a spectacular fusion of irritation as Brianna attempts Regina Spektor's Fidelity. In red stockings. And a smock dress with oversized buttons. And a stupid haircut.

She hears in her mind, all of these voices...

Ok, I think, calm down. Give her a chance, maybe she's really good. But then she starts singing and... hang on... IS SHE ACTUALLY DOING REGINA SPEKTOR'S ACCENT AS WELL? Or is it Bjork's? Who can tell? I'm too distracted by the way she's puting in to the camera, blinking her eyes like a doll and prancing about the stage acting out little bits of the song: Keeping one foot on the ground, getting lost in the sounds... It's like a bad pantomime. I keep waiting for someone in the audience to shout out "BEHIND YOU!"

It is without a doubt, one of the worst things I have ever seen. Pity Holden gave away his "Worst Performance of the Night Award" to Morgan, this is far more deserving.

In fact - don't take my word for it. Go watch it for yourself
. Go on, go, I'll wait for you until you get back.

I rest my case.

Predictably enough, the judges have had a musical taste and common sense bypass and think it's wonderful. Holden says it was "kooky, quirky and perky" and "musically delicious". Delicious? I think I've got food poisoning. In an event that stuns the nation, Kyle is the one voice of reason on the panel and actually says something worthwhile: That he's not buying it.

"I wouldn't expect you to either," says Brianna.

"JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!" chants the audience, as Kyle headbutts a cameraman.

Finally it's Rosie "Yes, this is my real name" Ribbons. Rosie Ribbons from Dubbo. That sounds inspiring, doesn't it, kids? That's got STAR written all over it, that does. I can see the signs in lights now: PUPPET SHOW AND ROSIE RIBBONS.

She's all tarted up in a funky silver sequin top and she looks ready to party - clearly she's going to set the studio on fire with an awesome showstopper finish that will get everyone revved up and screaming for more! I can see it now - Livin' La Vida Loca or Dirrty or Crazy in Love...

Actually, she's doing one of the slowest songs of all time, REM's Everybody Hurts. But it's not slow enough for our Rosie - she's decided to create her own tempo, which is about five beats behind the original. At this rate, Benji Mac will be a fully grown adult and married to Lana Kroft with three children by the time she finishes the first verse. In fact it is SO DULL that I can't even watch it, and am forced to fast forward to the judge's comments.

"I'll be as honest as I can - I've just recorded that song," says Marcia.

Er... pardon? Can you imagine Marcia Hines doing Michael Stipe? Well you know, not DOING him, just... ok let's move on. Kyle says he doesn't know anything about Rosie other than "she's a chick from the UK that looks old and sings well". Rosie misses her opportunity to say she doesn't know anything about Kyle other than "he's a fat bastard engaged to a failed pop star and doesn't have any discernible talents of his own". Holden says there was too much vocal gymnastics and slow vocal vibrato, and ming ming ming with the husky low end on the top note of the capstan.

Thursday: The Wildcards

Fighting back a serious case of intense boredom, Monkey Boy announces Brianna and Holly are our two lucky ladies from last night. They jump on each other and fall to the floor. Could there be a lesbian love affair in the Idol mansion this year? Let's hope so, at least for Benji Mac's sake. That'd drop his balls quick smart.

"*BEEP!* *BEEP!* Oh if I could swear right now on television I probably would! *BEEP!*" shrieks Holly. I'm guessing by all those beeps that she perhaps did already.

"Obviously I'm delighted. I'm delighted with the choice the country made. Go Australia," deadpans Kyle, who is trying desperately to appear sarcastic and cynical. Does this mean Brianna and Kyle are now super-enemies? Excellent.

Given that they have an hour's worth of show to pad out and only a minor announcement to make, they get last year's Idol Damien Leith on. He says "To be sure, to be sure, aye begorrah, potatoes", plays his crap new single 22 Steps (which, by the way, has THE most bizarre lyrics you've ever read), and buggers off again. But not before announcing that he's looking forward to some great crack on his upcoming tour. At least we know now where those lyrics come from.

And it's on to the wildcard nominations. Each judge gets to nominate two rejects from the big reject pile of losers in the corner of the studio. Holden kicks it off by giving a big inspirational speech about standing alone and being unique, and how none of the other judges agrees with him but he wants HUSNY BACK!

He's bringin' Husny back... those motherf*ckers better watch their back...

Woo and double woo! Let's all hope and pray that he cracks out some Prince for Sunday's show. It's the only way.

Holden's next pick is Marck Da Costa, woo yay etc. Whatever. All that means is at some point in the competition we're going to have to hear Are You Gonna Be My Girl. Hopefully on disco night.

Dicko's turn, and for some reason beyond all comprehension he nominates Dave Andrews. Let's look at Dave for a second here shall we?

  • Looks a bit like a stalker

  • Likes to wear red vinyl shirts

  • Chose to sing JOHN FARNHAM as his finalist performance

Yep, that's got Idol written all over it, doesn't it? And then - SHOCK HORROR, he gives a golden ticket to Daniel Mifsud, aka Werewolf Greaseman Le Scarf!

Can Marcia outdo these guys in the crazy stakes? I mean with her wildcard choices, not generally. Because if we're talking just generally, then she definitely can. Outdoes them all the time. Anyway Marcia blathers on about being exhausted from having gone all night and all afternoon, because it was hard. I'm not sure we want to know, actually. She lets through Natalie "Massive keyboard" Gauci first. Not a bad choice. Certainly not "crazy". She'll need to pull a rabbit out of the hat with her second choice if she's going to make an impact here, and BOOM - Carl "Bugle Boy" Risely is given a second toot of the trumpet. So expect some more Michael Buble in the next few weeks.

Finally it's Kyle's turn, and he gives a golden ticket to Jack "Wigman" Byrnes. Hopefully they'll go all Top Model this year and have a makeover episode, so someone can chop that ridiculous animal off the top of his head.

And then we have it - the final spot left on the Idol bench. Who will take it? Who will Kyle give it to? Well - if you were to be completely cynical and come up with the most obvious, stereotypical choice Kyle would make in this situation, what would you say?

Yep, me too.

"Sarah Lloyde gets one more crack at the top spot," announces Monkey Boy.

Backstage, Damien hears the word "crack", grabs his pipe and comes running.

See you on Sunday, kids.