Saturday, September 01, 2007

Australian Idol 07 wrap up: MASTER RECAP Part One

I'm not sure if it's some sort of odd karma situation (perhaps for saying that Tarisai looked like a muskrat attacking a keyboard in a disco on Monday night), but I've just realised the past week has, in many ways, beared quite a similarity to a week in the life of an Idol hopeful. Allow me to demonstrate:


BOSS: Congratulations - you're going to Sydney!!


Check into designated hotel, which happens to be the same one the Idol hopefuls are staying at. Spend all morning laying in wait for Breanna in the lobby in the hopes of tripping her up, breaking her guitar string or accidentally falling into her with a pair of scissors and cutting her a decent fringe. Visit the opera house and stand out the front of it sighing and going "One day... ONE DAY."


Spend all day in a room with 40 other people listening to presentations. Unlike in Idol however, there is no guitar playing. Fortunately. In the afternoon, split into groups to workshop our own presentation to share with the group. My group elects to do Boyz 2 Men. We sizzle the boss' shemizzle but ultimately it's not enough to keep us in the competition and we're sent back to Adelaide.


Return to normal day job.

All of which has put me in the perfect frame of mind for today's MASTER RECAP, which will cover the three episodes I missed this week, from Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday nights. Let's get into it!

Tuesday: The third six

Given I took these notes during the show on Tuesday night and haven't looked at them since then, it's fair to say I have no idea what half of them mean. Here's a starter:

Sally - bohemian painter 80s shirt + kelly hair
Cosette - 1940s school teacher
Andrew - a giant "woooh" from next to me. Monkey fart?

You see what I have to work with?

Anyway, the results from ladies' night are in, and they're schizophrenic: it's Tarisai the screaming soul banshee and Lana the meek and mild schoolgirl. They do have something in common though - they love fancy dress. I hope Tara will continue her costuming theme of dressing as various electrical goods being attacked by furry animals, and that Lana will persist in turning up as random craft items.

Spot the difference.

Holden says he expected Tiramisu to get in (and yes, he actually does call her Tiramisu), and then turns on Dicko with one of the best quotes of the Idol season so far:

"You are an old and it rhymes with 'Shuzzy Nucker'."

Firstly: Pardon? Secondly: No really, what the fuck? Thirdly: Does ANYTHING rhyme with 'shuzzy nucker'? Cruisy sucker? Bruisy plucker? Hang on, is he calling Dicko a boozy trucker? I WON'T STAND FOR THAT!

Fortunately our first contestant Mark Da "Cough cough" Costa steps in to break up the fight with Led Zeppelin's Whole Lotta Love. LOOK HOW COOL HE IS - HE'S DOING LED ZEPPELIN! CHECK OUT HIS 'VINTAGE' BEATLES T SHIRT HE BOUGHT FROM MYER AND CUT HIMSELF! Mark is so rock it's not even funny. Well actually, it sort of is. But given his previous performance was an attempt at Evie in which he coughed up a lung into the microphone in lieu of the first verse, this is a vast improvement.

Given also that Whole Lotta Love is THE BEST ROCK SONG EVER IN THE HISTORY OF ROCK you'd expect it would be hard for Mark to stuff it up. But he manages it. He keeps singing a few steps behind the beat, like you do when you're pissed at karaoke and you can't quite make out the lyrics on the screen until they've changed colour, which means you've just missed the correct time at which to sing them.

My Idol sidecar Raoul labels him "JD Fortune Lite". Then he calls him "milk without the cream". Then he yells "What a little poofter cock sucking wanker." So that sums THAT up then.

Marcia is slightly more mannered, although not quite as coherent when she says "Welcome. Music is my vintage. I love the screaming." Is that a haiku? As Kyle's entire rock and roll music knowledge consists of The Veronicas and Jet, he is utterly impressed by Mark and labels him "the real deal". He MUST be, he sang Led Zeppelin! They're a PROPER rock band, aren't they? Must get tickets next time they come to town. Holden constructs a sentence using the words "phrasing", "tones" and "timing" and then says Mark is a classic reproduction.

A not-so classic reproduction.

Holden then gives Mark the kiss of death by saying "I KNOW you're gonna go forward." Bye Mark. Dicko cements Mark's fate by saying it's one of the top three rock performances ever on Idol. Hope you didn't quit your day job, Mark.

"You know, the key to Idol is to take a song, pull its pants down, bend it over and do it right up the back passage," remarks Raoul, in his usual charming way.

"That's the equivalent of a touchdown this year. They should call it Australian Anal."

Moving on to Ben "Benji Mac" McKenzie, who I've decided looks EXACTLY like a young Kav Temperley from Eskimo Joe.

Spot the difference.

Ok, so that's not the best quality pic of Kav to compare it with, but I couldn't find anything better. Seriously, you'd think there'd be more photos of Eskimo Joe on the internet. Actually, I'm also thinking this:


Anyway Benji's chosen to do Tears for Fears' Mad World, which is a bit weird because Benji probably wasn't even born when that was written. Actually, it's doubtful he was even born when Gary Jules reworked it for the Donnie Darko soundtrack in 2001. Australia is on the edge of its seat to see if puberty will deal Benji a cruel hand and have his voice finally break on national TV.

Would you like fries with that song?

It's a solid performance, if a little "nasal American pop star" in some bits, but surely we can beat that out of him. Kyle says the first time he ever cared about Benji was tonight. Everyone else misses a grand opportunity to tell Kyle we STILL don't care about HIM. Holden tells Benji he's a "pimply faced little nerd" and that he's also a "deadset star". So, no mixed messages there at all. Then he starts talking about Benji's "husky low end" and for once in my life I want to hear from Marcia. She says she hopes Australia felt what she just felt. She doesn't specify what that is, but if Holden's feeling Benji's low end, maybe Marcia's got a hold of the high bit?

Next up is Jack "Wig man" Byrnes, who's doing a gospel version of U2's I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For. A hairdresser, presumably.

What is going on there?

Honestly, it looks like he's borrowed one of Tarisai's muskrats and stapled it to his head. Young, hip women all over the country suddenly turn into their nannas and yell "GET A HAIRCUT AND HAVE A SHAVE, YOU HIPPIE!" at their televisions.

Holden says Jack's "false" was good. Clearly he is so cool now that he can speak in half words. I'm going to start doing that too - I thought Jack's song was "tot cra". Dicko looks up Wikipedia on his Blackberry and gives us the entire history of gospel music before saying he's seen the light, and yea the light is Jack. Marcia pops some medication and says she's on a boat with Jack paddling up the river. Then she says he took it to church. What, the boat? I'm confused. AND WHAT ABOUT HIS HAIR? DEAR LORD, WON'T ANYONE MENTION THE HAIR?

Apparently not, because next up is Dave "Vinyl shirt" Andrews, who has chosen to out himself as Idol's biggest dag by doing John Farnham's That's Freedom. No, that's a bad song choice, that's what that is.

Everyone under the age of 35, including me, goes to make a cup of tea with the express intention of missing the entire thing.

Dicko says he's exposed. Holden takes a quick glance under the desk and mentally congratulates himself on getting to see two husky low ends tonight. Kyle says Dave's a dud, he fluffed it, and the only people clapping were his own family. So, just the usual constructive criticism there. Marcia tells him he's amazing, and Dave smiles like a retarded child who's dropped his lollipop in the dirt but has just had it washed and given back to him by his teacher. Holden calls Kyle "Molly Volly" for no apparent reason. What the? That doesn't even rhyme with "Shuzzy Nucker".

Moving on to the first ironic song choice of the evening, it's Lyall "I'm not really an" Adonis with Desperado. He certainly looks the part in a powder blue jacket, open necked shirt and pale blue jeans - it's all a bit Miami Vice bad guy in a karaoke bar, really. Less said about this one the better - it's terrible.

Marcia says she knew Lyall was nervous because she could hear him breathing. Got that, Lyall? Just stop breathing next time, you'll be chilled out in no time. Kyle said it looked like Lyall had soiled his pants but didn't want anyone to know. As opposed to all those people who soil their pants and want to share the good news with everyone. Holden says Lyall built the melody in the bridge, and the tone and the false was all ming ming ming, but he should have kept a check on the capstan in the flooglewidget.

Lyall says he chose Desperado because he wants to eventually write a song like it.

"A song you can't sing that's already been done? Good one mate," screams Raoul. I have to admit he has a point.

Finally it's Marty "I have bad hair too, don't worry Jack you're not alone" Simpson. Somewhere, Peter Brady is missing his hairdo.

Spot the difference.

Marty has come up with the second ironic song choice for this evening, with Over My Head, full of such glorious lyrics as "Everyone knows I'm in over my head". Sometimes the songs just speak for themselves, don't they?

As for what the judges said - who knows? Raoul and I were having some sort of existentialist argument about the internet and I have no idea what any of them said, so let's just assume that Holden said "False! Ming ming ming!", Dicko managed to drag the entire history of The Fray out to fill his two minutes, Kyle said "lame" and Marcia blessed the room.

Stay tuned for Part Two of the all-of-Saturday-consuming MASTER RECAP!

1 comment :

  1. Beautiful work. WTF planet is Holden on? Come to think of it, WTF is a shuzzy nucker?