So I've finally finished watching the Idol video I miraculously managed to timer tape while I was away in Sydney this week, and now I can bring you THE MASTER RECAP - PART TWO.
(If you haven't already read Part One, I suggest you do.)
Wednesday: The final six (Ladies' Night Take Two).
We're into the business end of things here, kids - only six more finalists to go and just two more spots to fill! Well ok, four spots to fill, if you include the two blokes from last night (who are incidentally, Benji Mac of the perpetually breaking voice and Marty Simpson of the Peter Brady hairdo). Oh, and also there's the wildcard show on Sunday night, so really there's eight more spots to fill. Hmm, it's sort of not that special anymore, is it?
Oh well, on to the first contestant, which tonight is Sarah "Who?" Lloyde. She's clearly scored an invite to Tarisai and Lana Kroft's fancy dress party, as she's come as a private school girl at her formal in 1993.
So it's not the greatest quality photo - it's not the greatest quality outfit either.
Whether through divine intervention or pure technological failure, at the exact point that James "Monkey Boy" Matheson introduced Ms Llllloyddde to the stage, my VCR rather conveniently decided to stop recording sound. When it finally kicked back in again, about four seconds from the end of her song, I realised it was probably for the best.
"YOU'RE GONNNNA LOVE MAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!" she screeched, with more vocal gymnastics than Christina Aguilera on a trapeze.
I'm not exactly sure why MAY was singled out as the month we would adore, but she certainly was insistent upon it.
From the four seconds I saw of her song, I can firmly state that it was ear bleedingly bad. Holden agrees, saying that to sing that song she needs to be "a woman who's been hit in the heart and is bleeding and bloody and wrecked". Um, Holden:
Dicko says Holden used to be a woman, and is now "Mr Bonkers", but then triumphantly steals the title from him by telling Sarah he looked at her package before she sang and it touched him. Isn't this a family show? Of course Dicko has to give the entire history of the song as well, to prove how knowledgable he is about these things. He even quotes a review from the New York Times off the top of his head, as if he carries all this stuff around in his head all the time instead of what he actually does, which is to look it up on Wikipedia before the show. Marcia says she got goosebumps. Holden says he didn't. Marcia says "You haven't had them in a while honey!" and everyone goes "OOOOH!" before realising that that comeback really wasn't very good, and might not have actually made sense at all. Dicko jumps in with a "You don't get goosebumps cos of all the work you've had! Plastic doesn't get goosebumps!" The audience starts chanting "JERRY! JERRY!" before Holden throws a chair at someone and Marcia does the baby daddy dance.
Let's move on shall we, to Morgan "Resident Emo" Hosking, who's just stopped by the studio on her way to a budget goth wedding.
She sings Alanis Morrisette's You Learn in a voice that somehow manages to be both shrill and flat at the same time. Hopefully after seeing this on television, Morgan will LEARN to never sing in public again.
Dicko said he expected more from someone so good at riding the line between being sexy and not too slutty. Um, did he just say "slutty" to a 17 year old? He then steals my joke about her looking like a dodgy goth bridesmaid. COME UP WITH YOUR OWN MATERIAL, DICKSON. Marcia responds with a cryptic "All I can say is I think you got through it." Gee, thanks Marcia. Everyone else who's gone up there with a pile of crap has at least had a "Well done, darlin'!" or a "Good job!" but not our little Morgan. She just gets a straight description of her performance: "Well you stood there on the stage and you sang into that microphone, and you sang Alanis Morissette. That's all I can say." Holden puts his thespian hat on and does a very bad impression of a disappointed, exhausted man, by putting his head in his hands and not saying anything. Unfortunately his talents are wasted, because everyone basically ignores him, forcing him to come out with a showstopper comment: "WORST PERFORMANCE OF THE NIGHT." We're not sure if he's talking about Morgan or himself.
Next up is Holly "I'm blonde and from Mildura but I'm not the homewrecking one" Weinert, who looks positively cute as a button in a Boston Red Sox T shirt and dark pants. She's singing The Commodores' Easy, which I feel may have been a more appropriate song for Jesse Curran to sing, but I digress.
She's a bit of a Tarisai-style yeller, which gets irritating during a whole song, but she's gorgeous and charismatic so we'll forgive her.
Marcia says Holly remained herself during the song. It's always helpful really, to try not to transform shape into someone else halfway through a musical performance. Makes things a lot less confusing. Kyle says he's always found her plain and boring but tonight she's a bit of alright. Holly struggles to care, given that any man of Kyle's looks normally wouldn't get within 10 feet of her without a written warrant. Holden says he's heard the song a million times before, including "the heavy version AND the original version". Which heavy version might that be, Holden? I'm guessing he's referring to Faith No More's version, which actually isn't heavy AT ALL, leading me to believe that Holden HASN'T heard that song a million times before.
Holden goes on to say that Holly turned it into "the 21st century woman version", and he really enjoyed it. Darn - if only she'd gotten to do the full version of the song, where it mentions tampons and childbirth and juggling family and career! Holden would have LOVED that.
Next up is Madison "No, I'm not Lana Kroft, ye si know I look an awful lot like her" Pritchard. Who? I know, I'd never heard of her either. Apparently she's 16, works in a shop and likes horses. Thrilling, yes?
She sings some song by Avril Lavigne, and doesn't sound half bad actually. She's probably got one of the better pure pop voices in the competition this year, but there's quite a few dud notes in there and overall it's just a bit forgettable. Poor whatshername.
Kyle borrows Marcia's Idol meter and said Madison only got to 70%, when she should have been at 90 - 100%. Everyone accepts this as if it a) makes sense, and b) is important. Dicko keeps his Mr Bonkers hat on by quoting Britney Spears, saying Maddy is more than a girl, but not yet a woman. He then continues by saying "I want my kids back, y'all, and where'd mah cigarettes get to, dang it?" As if that's not enough to freak out any 16 year old, Marcia tells Maddy she now belongs to the Australian public. Well guess what Marcia, WE DON'T WANT HER. Guess that makes her an orphan. Sadly for Madison, Lana Kroft has already filled the "pretty dark haired teenage girl" space in the top 12, so I guess we'll never hear from her again.
Next up is Brianna "Mental haircut" Carpenter. Now, I've made no secret of the fact that I'm not much of a fan of Ms Carpenter and her enforced wackiness, especially as it relates to red stockings, smock-dresses with oversized buttons, a striking similarity to Regina-Spektor-slash-Angie-Hart and a really stupid haircut. And tonight, all of those things come together in a spectacular fusion of irritation as Brianna attempts Regina Spektor's Fidelity. In red stockings. And a smock dress with oversized buttons. And a stupid haircut.
She hears in her mind, all of these voices...
Ok, I think, calm down. Give her a chance, maybe she's really good. But then she starts singing and... hang on... IS SHE ACTUALLY DOING REGINA SPEKTOR'S ACCENT AS WELL? Or is it Bjork's? Who can tell? I'm too distracted by the way she's puting in to the camera, blinking her eyes like a doll and prancing about the stage acting out little bits of the song: Keeping one foot on the ground, getting lost in the sounds... It's like a bad pantomime. I keep waiting for someone in the audience to shout out "BEHIND YOU!"
It is without a doubt, one of the worst things I have ever seen. Pity Holden gave away his "Worst Performance of the Night Award" to Morgan, this is far more deserving.
In fact - don't take my word for it. Go watch it for yourself
here. Go on, go, I'll wait for you until you get back.
I rest my case.
Predictably enough, the judges have had a musical taste and common sense bypass and think it's wonderful. Holden says it was "kooky, quirky and perky" and "musically delicious". Delicious? I think I've got food poisoning. In an event that stuns the nation, Kyle is the one voice of reason on the panel and actually says something worthwhile: That he's not buying it.
"I wouldn't expect you to either," says Brianna.
"JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!" chants the audience, as Kyle headbutts a cameraman.
Finally it's Rosie "Yes, this is my real name" Ribbons. Rosie Ribbons from Dubbo. That sounds inspiring, doesn't it, kids? That's got STAR written all over it, that does. I can see the signs in lights now: PUPPET SHOW AND ROSIE RIBBONS.
She's all tarted up in a funky silver sequin top and she looks ready to party - clearly she's going to set the studio on fire with an awesome showstopper finish that will get everyone revved up and screaming for more! I can see it now - Livin' La Vida Loca or Dirrty or Crazy in Love...
Actually, she's doing one of the slowest songs of all time, REM's Everybody Hurts. But it's not slow enough for our Rosie - she's decided to create her own tempo, which is about five beats behind the original. At this rate, Benji Mac will be a fully grown adult and married to Lana Kroft with three children by the time she finishes the first verse. In fact it is SO DULL that I can't even watch it, and am forced to fast forward to the judge's comments.
"I'll be as honest as I can - I've just recorded that song," says Marcia.
Er... pardon? Can you imagine Marcia Hines doing Michael Stipe? Well you know, not DOING him, just... ok let's move on. Kyle says he doesn't know anything about Rosie other than "she's a chick from the UK that looks old and sings well". Rosie misses her opportunity to say she doesn't know anything about Kyle other than "he's a fat bastard engaged to a failed pop star and doesn't have any discernible talents of his own". Holden says there was too much vocal gymnastics and slow vocal vibrato, and ming ming ming with the husky low end on the top note of the capstan.
Thursday: The Wildcards
Fighting back a serious case of intense boredom, Monkey Boy announces Brianna and Holly are our two lucky ladies from last night. They jump on each other and fall to the floor. Could there be a lesbian love affair in the Idol mansion this year? Let's hope so, at least for Benji Mac's sake. That'd drop his balls quick smart.
"*BEEP!* *BEEP!* Oh if I could swear right now on television I probably would! *BEEP!*" shrieks Holly. I'm guessing by all those beeps that she perhaps did already.
"Obviously I'm delighted. I'm delighted with the choice the country made. Go Australia," deadpans Kyle, who is trying desperately to appear sarcastic and cynical. Does this mean Brianna and Kyle are now super-enemies? Excellent.
Given that they have an hour's worth of show to pad out and only a minor announcement to make, they get last year's Idol Damien Leith on. He says "To be sure, to be sure, aye begorrah, potatoes", plays his crap new single 22 Steps (which, by the way, has THE most bizarre lyrics you've ever read), and buggers off again. But not before announcing that he's looking forward to some great crack on his upcoming tour. At least we know now where those lyrics come from.
And it's on to the wildcard nominations. Each judge gets to nominate two rejects from the big reject pile of losers in the corner of the studio. Holden kicks it off by giving a big inspirational speech about standing alone and being unique, and how none of the other judges agrees with him but he wants HUSNY BACK!
He's bringin' Husny back... those motherf*ckers better watch their back...
Woo and double woo! Let's all hope and pray that he cracks out some Prince for Sunday's show. It's the only way.
Holden's next pick is Marck Da Costa, woo yay etc. Whatever. All that means is at some point in the competition we're going to have to hear Are You Gonna Be My Girl. Hopefully on disco night.
Dicko's turn, and for some reason beyond all comprehension he nominates Dave Andrews. Let's look at Dave for a second here shall we?
- Looks a bit like a stalker
- Likes to wear red vinyl shirts
- Chose to sing JOHN FARNHAM as his finalist performance
Yep, that's got Idol written all over it, doesn't it? And then - SHOCK HORROR, he gives a golden ticket to Daniel Mifsud, aka Werewolf Greaseman Le Scarf!
Can Marcia outdo these guys in the crazy stakes? I mean with her wildcard choices, not generally. Because if we're talking just generally, then she definitely can. Outdoes them all the time. Anyway Marcia blathers on about being exhausted from having gone all night and all afternoon, because it was hard. I'm not sure we want to know, actually. She lets through Natalie "Massive keyboard" Gauci first. Not a bad choice. Certainly not "crazy". She'll need to pull a rabbit out of the hat with her second choice if she's going to make an impact here, and BOOM - Carl "Bugle Boy" Risely is given a second toot of the trumpet. So expect some more Michael Buble in the next few weeks.
Finally it's Kyle's turn, and he gives a golden ticket to Jack "Wigman" Byrnes. Hopefully they'll go all Top Model this year and have a makeover episode, so someone can chop that ridiculous animal off the top of his head.
And then we have it - the final spot left on the Idol bench. Who will take it? Who will Kyle give it to? Well - if you were to be completely cynical and come up with the most obvious, stereotypical choice Kyle would make in this situation, what would you say?
Yep, me too.
"Sarah Lloyde gets one more crack at the top spot," announces Monkey Boy.
Backstage, Damien hears the word "crack", grabs his pipe and comes running.
See you on Sunday, kids.