Monday, September 03, 2007

Australian Idol 07 wrap up: Wildcard Results

Right, Australia. Let me just start by saying I'm not ANGRY. I'm just DISAPPOINTED.

Ok I'm lying, I'M ANGRY. YOU HAD TWO WHOLE SPOTS TO FILL WITH WHOEVER YOU WANTED TONIGHT, AND YOU WENT AND PICKED THE TWO GUYS THAT WEREN'T HUSNY. SHAME ON YOU.


But I'm getting ahead of myself here. We'll get to that later. Still, tonight's will be a hasty recap - no point labouring over such a pointless hour of television, right?

After some farting about to fill the first segment of the program, including three minutes of boredom with the least funny woman in Australia, Cal Wilson, Ken Doll steps forward to announce the first two wildcards to be admitted into the holy sacrament of the final 12. These two happy little Idolites have been decided by the public's vote. Got that? THE PUBLIC'S VOTE. Just making sure you heard me.

First to get through is Werewolf Le Scarf, aka Daniel Mifsud, who's done something completely different tonight and worn YET ANOTHER girly bodyshirt. And seriously, what is with the hair? I'm thinking:


ANNN-I-MALLLLLLL!!!


Husny continues to sit on the sidelines, looking forlorn. Poor Husny.

"I think Australia would like to see why they voted you in," enthuses Ken Doll, not knowing how right he is.

I mean, I LIKED Wolfy last night, just not as much as Sarah. OR HUSNY, GOD DAMMIT.

Stunned, Greaseman launches into a repeat performance of last night, which means we all have to suffer through Roachford again. But not as much as Dan does - his voice is cracking all over the place like a plumber in tracky daks. Where the hell has he been for the last 12 hours? At a footy match smoking and eating glass, by the sounds of it. Australia begins to rethink its vote.

Then it's time for the next Ken Doll announcement, but not before we get a big old close up shot of Brianna's neon pink stockings. For god's sake, has the girl got shares in a stocking company? And by the way, is that all it takes these days to be recognised as "kooky" - wearing daft coloured hosiery?

And the next Idol loser to be shifted from the reject pile into the slightly less reject pile is Mark Da Costa. No, really. No, I'm actually serious.

He's foregone the faux rock T shirt tonight in favour of Daniel Mifsud's Wolfmother/Peter Brady vest from last night - lord, is this going to be the next male Idol fashion trend? Just when you think you've gotten rid of the scarf...

Ken Doll asks him how he's feeling, and he turns into a comedian by doing a star impression of Holden: "Wowity bowity wow-ow-ow bow!" Strangely, this sounds just like his rendition of Evie last night.

Then, to prove it, he does Evie again. FOR THE THIRD TIME THIS SERIES. He manages to spend a good 3/4 of the performance facing the wrong way, which means all those morons who voted for him now get a stunning two minutes of footage of the back of his mullet. Then he finishes, and dedicates the song to a friend of his with cancer. DAMN YOU, DA COSTA. Making me feel bad and all.

Up in the special Idol 12 room, Monkey Boy asks Da Costa how he feels about getting through with his mate Daniel.

"It's great! We're not just here to sing, we're here to experience," he says.

Experience what? Each other, perhaps? OMG! Will Werewolf and Da Costa be the male homo-suggestive couple to Brianna and Holly's female love duo this year? They'll have to invite Carl and Kyle along if they are. And possibly Jacob, given that Da Costa has just launched into some speech about how Jacob is everyone's mum and he is their dad. What are they putting in the water up there?

Ken Doll throws to an ad break, but Dicko says they'll need more than that for the judges to decide the next two finalists.

"You might have to show some cartoons or something," he says.

"We're going to show Bobby Flynn," says Ken Doll.

"That works," says Marcia, who's obviously a long time reader of the BC, and is already aware of this comparison I made last year:


Spot the difference.


Who needs cartoons?

Back from the adbreak, and we get to watch another three minutes of boredom - no, not Cal Wilson again, this time it's Hayley Jensen, a former Idol reject, telling us all about her crap new single she's paid for herself. Good onya Hayley. It also appears that Hayley has been entertaining troops in Iraq with Carl Risely's trumpet. Let's not think about that too much.

Time for Bobby "I like to explore myself through music" Flynn, who I love utterly but love to pay out more. He looks a total mess with his shirt half hanging out of his pants, and a big muffin top for a hairdo. It's OK Bobby, none of us think you're COMMERCIAL, you don't have to go overboard to prove it just because you're appearing on Channel 10 again. Anyway, he sings his song, yada yada yada, time for the final two.

Kyle says it's a "disgrace" that they can only put through another two people, and then announces their first choice is Carl Risely.


This picture is as random as that choice.


Exqueeze me? Baking powder? Did they just put through the guy who NOT ONLY can only sing one song, but that only owns one suit? Kyle's right, that IS a disgrace. Sure he's HOT and all, but fuck! What about Sarah "Candyman" Lloyde and her amazing pins? WHAT ABOUT HUSNY???

Carl sings his swing number again, and admittedly it sounds a lot hotter than last night's effort, but still. He's no Idol. OR IS HE? No, he's not.

Then everyone says a few sentences involving the word "journey" and it's time for our last finalist, who is...

NOT FUCKING HUSNY. OR SARAH. GOD DAMN YOU ALL.

It's Natalie Gauchi, who - you know - I'm sort of happy about, because she was pretty awesome last night even in that chunky test pattern of a dress. Tonight she's looking even worse in a very dodgy mini skirt and leather jacket. I refuse to believe it is THIS DIFFICULT to dress this woman. SHERIDAN TYLER LIFT YOUR GAME.

And then it's all over. We have our dozen, ladies and gents. Let's get on with it.



13 comments :

  1. I have to concur... that was the most utterly pointless hour of television in Idol history.

    Poor Sarah. :(

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  2. I'm pissed about Husny and I'm pissed about Sarah. But you did make me spit coffee again - Hayley and the trumpet was where I went last night too :)

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  3. I watched the first 5 minutes and then realised that it just wasn't going to get any better. Stretching 4 announcements into an hour was pushing it a little far I thought.

    Can't believe Carl got in over Husny or Sarah.. or many of the ones that didn't even make it as wildcards!

    Maybe there's more to this whole tension thing between him and Kyle than we thought..

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  4. When Carl is inevitably voted out, he's more than welcome to come and comiserate in my bedroom.

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  5. Exqueeze me? Baking powder?

    Ha. Loves me some Wayne's World.

    But I was bitterly disappointed re: Husny. DID YOU SEE HIS BULGING ARMS when they replayed his performance??? Stupid judges.

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  6. hey... have you changed your email address(es)? or are you miffed at me for some reason? if not, it will take you just 10 seconds to save me from turning my entire house upside down. please. i just need a 'yes' or 'no', simple. sheesh.

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  7. I was pretty happy about Natalie - she was the standout I thought. My worst enemy in primary school was a blonde named Sarah Lloyd (no 'e'), so I think I'm unfairly biased against her. She did look amazing when she did 'Candyman' though.

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  8. I cannot cannot cannot believe that Carl got through over Sarah! or ANYONE ELSE.

    If the Australian public had voted him through, i would be be less disgusted, but these are meant to be semi-professional music industry people!

    What the F?

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  9. Oh, dear, Petstarr.... I thought perhaps your pining for Husny was ironic, a tongue-in-cheek type thing.... It's a shame that you overlooked the fact that Carl R. actually can sing in tune, a skill which Husny legitimately lacks. you really think this guy's a contender? Even though he has the most limited range of all contestants and looks like he's trying to squeeze pebbles out of his ass whenever he sings "with feeling" ? You can't hear all those bung notes? You didn't see his "cripple hand" last week when he was singing that sloppy shit about kids on drugs etc etc ? Gaww.... Petstarr's credibility... OUT the window.... but keep up the good work, you're always quick on the draw with these reports....and let me bid a fond farewell to Jack B, who, mincy dancer and all, was genuinely at ease on stage and brought some real soul to the show.

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  10. Ben - Are you serious? No really, are you mental? I mean serious? My credibility is out the window because I thought Husny was amusing? Oh well, I guess my humour is too complex for some to grasp...

    And if this is the same Ben from before - yes I have your Banksy book, and no I haven't changed my email address, I've been busy. Sheesh.

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  11. But the dozen SUCK. The wildcard choices by the public were dismal. Too bad I didn't vote, so I better stop bagging out my fellow Or-stray-liannnes!

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