Sunday, September 02, 2007

Australian Idol 07 wrap up: The Wildcards

We're down to our final eight Idolites, and there's only four spots left - the competition is getting cutthroat now, kids! Let's get this shit underway, but first, some comments from our judges:

Holden: "Wildcards can be winners!"

Dicko: "I like the desperation of the Idols!"

Kyle: "Sing your ring out or go home a loser!"

That'll do it! Now, first up is Jack "Wig man" Byrnes - although I'm not sure I can call him that any more... Has he had a haircut?


Maybe not.


I guess Daniel Mifsud now officially has the scariest hair in the competition.


Arrrr-OOOOO!


Jack's doing Long Train Running, which is one of those songs you think you've never heard of until the chorus hits "Without loooooooove, loooo-oooo-oooove!" It's a good song choice for Jack, and he tears it up, whipping his head around so fast the cameraman has to change his lens settings to avoid getting motion blur. Jack does a bit of a Husny prance at one point (I believe that's what the kids in the dance halls are calling it these days), and even lets loose with a "YEEOOOW!" It's hot. I can't believe it, but I love it. I love Jack! If only he'd get rid of that creepy little moustache.

Holden checks his Idol meter again and says Jack has tons of energy but only got 3/4 of the way there. So, 3/4 of a ton? How much is that in imperial? Anyway, he then says Jack is simply singing the song, and that's not enough in this competition. What the hell else do you want him to do Holden, act it out? Still, it worked for Brianna. Disputing Holden's calculations, Dicko gets HIS Idol meter out and says actually Jack is lacking 25% finesse. Kyle says they're both wrong, and Jack was only 5% off. Marcia compliments the guitarist in the band.

Let's hope someone in the crew has some spare batteries to get these Idol meters up to speed as we move on to wildcard number two, HUSNY THALIB!

This week Husny has forgone the cassingle necklace and 80s ripped tee for a sort of cyber schoolboy look, in a shirt and tie that may or may not be painted on. I hope that it IS in fact painted on, and that when Husny reaches the climax of the song he'll trip a switch with his foot and turn up the spotlight on himself, gradually melting the bodypaint until he's left there, centre stage, in a totally nude finale. THAT would be unique.

Husny has chosen to do something called I Believe (warning bells should be ringing already - anything with this poxy a title has got to be an over-stated pile of old sap) by Blessid Union of Souls. It's getting scarier, isn't it? As if that's not bad enough, Husny steps out on stage and the song begins with a flourish of chimes - the international indicator of a soppy old pile of arse song. Fuck. WHERE'S MY RASPBERRY BERET, MOTHER F*CKER? He could have at least attempted Cream. Or Gett Off. This song is shit. He sounds rough. Well let's face it, he's never really been able to sing - we love him for his style, right? So it's a real pity he seems to bave entered the stage via a style vacuum this evening. He also seems rooted to the spot - where are all the Husny hip thrusts? Oh woe is me, Husny has been Holdenised!

Who cares, I'll still vote for him. Because HOW HILARIOUS would it be if Husny was our Australian Idol for 2007. Seriously, think about it. It'd be a bigger scandal than Casey Donovan, and all the television reporters could write long opinion pieces on the death of reality TV and gender and bisexuality in popular culture, and how Australia is a melting pot etc. etc. It'd be great for the nation, it really would.

Anyway. Dicko says in many ways, Husny is a star. Just not in the Australian Idol way, which is a pity because that's sort of the competition he's in at the moment. Marcia says something about "the Australian public" for the five millionth time this season. Let's ignore her. Kyle says if they were running "Nice Guy Idol" Husny would probably win. I guess it's fair to say Kyle would probably NOT make the top 24 in that competition. Holden says Husny burns up the camera every time he's on, and so far he's racked up $500,000 in damages and he'll see him in court. Then Holden says he thought Husny's performance was "a meaningful plea for understanding and love that's really beautiful". Even Husny can barely disguise his incredulous laughter. Dicko questions whether Husny can sell records. Of course he can - behind the counter at any K-Mart.

Moving on (vote for Husny) to Carl "Blow your own trumpet" Risely (vote for Husny). First up we get to see Carl's package. But not the package we all WANT to see - just his video package, in which he appears to be dressed as an annoying American tourist.


Gidday mate! I just love all you ossies!


Thankfully he ditches this look for his performance, for which he has chosen to wear THAT BLOODY BLACK SUIT AND TIE AGAIN. Christ, that thing must be stinking up the Idol mansion by now, he's worn it that many times. Or perhaps he has a whole wardrobe full of them, like Superman. Whatever - it's lucky he looks hot in it. Carl continues to push the boundaries and show how unique and versatile he is by doing a swing version of Bye, Bye Love. It's a cool arrangement but there's no guts to his voice - I wish we could put a tumpet in front of his face instead.

"You missed out on the right guuuuuuy!" he sings, before doing some extremely dodgy scatting.

I tend to agree. Lyall Adonis was better than this.

Marcia says Carl has a flavour she totally gets. What flavour would Carl be, I wonder. I guess one would have to lick him to find out...ooh....mmmm... AHEM! Sorry about that. Where was I? Kyle says he wanted to see more of Carl's sexy face. Ooh, so did we, Kyle, so did we. I start to drift into a lovely daydream about licking Carl's sexy face, but I'm jolted out of it into a living nightmare when Kyle demonstrates a "come to bed" look into the camera.


This is followed by a short but disturbing debate about whether Carl would, in fact, like to go to bed with Kyle. For anyone who remembers this moment, it seems quite possible that he would. Holden says he's bland. Everyone agrees, before realising he was actually talking about Carl. Marcia says it's important to remember the camera lenses are eyes - AND THEY CAN SEE DIRECTLY INTO YOUR SOUL AND SUCK OUT YOUR SPIRIT IF YOU'VE BEEN IMPURE, EVIL! EVIL! Dicko tells him he shouldn't scat, because scatting is gobbledegook. Marcia says scatting isn't gobbledegook, it's musical. I have to side with Marcia on this one - if there's anyone I trust to be able to positively identify gobbledegook, it's her. Dicko says Axel Whitehead scatted and now look where he's wound up. Funny, I didn't think getting your cock out at a nationally televised awards show was called "scatting".

Moving on (vote for Husny) to Sarah "Too many consonants" Lllloyydde, who's dragging Idol kicking and screaming into the 21st century with a bit of Christina Aguilera's Candyman. Thank GOD, one the kids will know.

Thankfully she hasn't borrowed one of Carl's navy friends' hats to wear, but she has clearly mugged a three year old for their romper suit.


And it has to be said, she makes it look pretty damn good.


She totally rocks the song, even if the backing singers get to show off more than she does, and she prances about looking hot hot HOT! She almost blows her head apart screaming the final note, but not before cooing "Good things come for boys who wait" and pointing at Holden, sending him into a spontaneous Benny Hill impression.


It was rather like this.


It's fabulous. (Vote for Husny.) And Sarah.

Kyle says there were too many holes in it and he wanted to see more of her. So a few more holes were probably required then. At least in her costume. Holden says Sarah should have had the three guys on the judging panel panting with that song, but she didn't. Um, Holden, remember this?


We do.


"You didn't burn my bibby, baby," he says. I'm not exactly sure what a "bibby" is (is it related to a "shuzzy nucker"?) but if he wants it burned perhaps he should put it on top of a camera Husny's staring at.

Dicko says not even Christina Aguilera could do that song live, which of course explains why she's making millions of dollars singing to hundreds of thousands of fans on her current world tour. Holden jumps back into the fray and says Sarah doesn't understand what the song is really all about. Because they ARE such complex lyrics:

Sweet sugar candy man
He's a one stop, gotcha hot, making all the panties drop
Sweet sugar candy man
He's a one stop, got me hot, making my OOH! pop
Sweet sugar candy man
He's a one stop, get it while it's hot, baby don't stop
Sweet sugar candy man


Moving on to the contestant with the least memorable name in the competition, Dave Andrews. Given that he got panned last time around for singing a dag anthem by John Farnham, we're all on the edge of our seat waiting to see what song Daveo will do tonight. Obviously he'll do something moden and HOT, something very NOW. Maybe he'll do Mark Ronson? Or Silverchair? Fuck, even Powderfinger would do. Come on Dave, what'll it be....?

Live's Dolphins Cry. For fuck's sake.


They sure do, Dave. They sure do.


With lyrics like "God laid me down into your rose garden of trust and I was swept away", this has to be one of the biggest bogan love songs ever. Couples with names like Wayne and Shaz play this shit at their weddings for their first dance.

"Can you hear the dolphins cry?" sings Dave. No, but I can hear plenty of people laughing.

Holden says Dave is a teriffic bloke, and then mentions Vanessa Amorosi in what will be the first of many gratuitous references to her and her new single and probable new album over the course of the series. Dicko calls Dave "fool's gold". Ooh, if only Husny had done THAT song! Plenty of hip thrusting opportunities in the Stone Roses. But I digress. Marcia says Dolphins Cry is one of her favourite songs. So I guess that makes Marcia a closet bogan then. Explains her outfit tonight anyway. Kyle has clearly given up on his Idol meter in favour of his new Idol scale - he says he's weighed up Dave's performances and there's only two of them, and he's seen his slip. I have no idea what any of this means, but if he lends those scales to Holden we might be able to work out exactly what fraction of a ton Jack Byrnes is.

NEXT! It's Daniel Mifusd, aka Werewolf Le Scarf. Although tonight I might have to use Audrey's title for him instead, Greaseman, as he's ditched the scarf this week in favour of showing off his Saturday Night Fever style chest hair. You can practically see the tan line from that thing, he's been wearing it so bloody often.

He's also wearing an Andrew Stockdale style vest, which I HATE (looking like a 1970s out of work pantomime actor is not cool), and I hope he's not going to attempt any dodgy rock leg moves to match. Actually, he looks less like Andrew Stockdale and more like


Clowns never laughed before, beanstalks never grew...


Dan does Roachford's Lay Your Love On Me accompanied by some spastic bobby Flynn-style hand wiggling, and keeps his eyes closed for almost the entire performance. Perhaps he doesn't want to catch sight of himself in a reflection. Or maybe all of Marcia's voodoo talk about the cameras being EYES has freaked him out.

Dicko tells him he should become an architect. Oh no wait, he says he created some architecture in the song. Or something. Whatever, I've started to think about what flavour Carl Risely is again. Vote for Husny. Marcia says she's glad Dan sat down. Then she says his appendage is awkward. I guess that's why he sat down. Holden reprises his Benny Hill impression by saying "I bet you don't have too much trouble getting the ladies to lay down for you!" This comment goes down rather like a balloon would, were it made of lead. Then he consults his Idol meter again and says Dan was only giving 95%. No wait, 98%! Ooh, it's going up! Wait another minute everyone, and it'll be a perfect performance. His final criticism is that Dan wasn't being a drummer. This somehow seems unfair.

Moving right along to our seventh performer for the evening, it's Natalie Gauci, who has consistently let us all down by NOT ONCE getting out her massive keyboard since the initial auditions. She's doing Nina Simone's Feeling Good, which is one of the best songs in the world. Unfortunately, Natalie is wearing one of the worst dresses in the world.


They call those LOVE HANDLES.


She's also teamed them with the worst shoes in the world - a pair of red gumboots. She looks like a test pattern with a visible panty line. Needless to say, this is not good.

She starts slumped on the stairs at the edge of the stage. Has she fallen? Is she drunk? Perhaps she's suffering from chronic fatigue and has stopped for a quick breather on the way to the microphone. No, she's just being SULTRY - sultry singers ALWAYS slump (especially when selling seashells by the seashore). Despite initially coming across as a drunken tramp warbling for spare change, she eventually pulls out one of the best performances of the night with this one. She sounds great. Vote for Husny. And Sarah. And Natalie.

Marcia realises she hasn't dropped any ebonics for a while and says "That's what I'm talkin' BOUT!" and "Props!" What props, Marcia? I think there's a hatstand backstage somewhere, and maybe an umbrella. Would they do? Holden says she's a breath of fresh air and then bangs on about vocal control again. If he does that one more time, I'm going to use my REMOTE CONTROL to switch him off. Dicko says she's the worst dressed contestant in the best dressed competition. Um, Dicko, remember this:


Not the type of vinyl that's cool.


For some reason unknown to anyone, Holden launches into a 30 second rendition of "Hooray for Bollywood" that's about 27 seconds longer than anyone actually found the joke funny for.

Finally, it's Mark "JD Fortune Lite" Da Costa, who announces he's doing Evie. AGAIN. Hello, didn't we already see him do this in his audition? I wonder if he'll give it the Da Costa twist again by coughing through the first verse.

This week Mark's traded in his Myer Beatles T Shirt for a K-Mart Ramones T Shirt. Department stores are so rock.

All the mums in the audience are rocking out to Mark's hot licks, including Marcia, who is captured dancing by one of the cameras Husny hasn't burned yet. Mark is also rocking out, in his own special way, by screaming and jumping up and down. He jumps into the audience but then doesn't quite know what to do there, so screams and jumps around a little bit more until he can get back on stage.

"Come on give me one more try you know I can't lose!" he screams. We'll see about that.

Kyle feels Marcia's ebonics vibe and goes all Daddy Mac, saying Mark was livin' it large. "YO!" yells Holden. Dicko says it was Mark's coming out party tonight. That'll surprise his girlfriend back home. Marcia says he just sang one of the best rock songs in the world. She forgets to include the word "badly".

And there you have it kids. My favourites from tonight? Sarah, Jack, Natalie, Werewolf and, of course, HUSNY.

Any final words, Holden?

"This is an enormous sand pit."


Amen.



5 comments :

  1. Genius. GENIUS!

    I was sadly disturbed tonight by Hot Carl's ridiculous hat. What was that? Not only is it a baseball cap with the flag on it, it has the distinct look of a baseball cap that is lovingly cared for to the point where it is wrapped in tissue paper and placed in an airtight hatbox when not in use. Seriously. There is not ONE dent in that cap.

    I love Sarah.

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  2. Husny looked a bit deflated last night, maybe he was all thrusted out.. I shudder to think..

    What is with the homoerotic tension between Carl and Kyle? The whole thing's not good.. it's just wrong.. If it's meant to be a joke, then it's been going on a little too long to be funny now. Like that weird thing Holden did.

    And Jack's head is just wrong.. on so many levels. Still, Damien won last year and his head was no better.

    Fantastic recap as always, keep up the brilliant work.

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  3. Audrey - I fear Carl's cap was salvaged from a row of identical caps along a billiard room wall.

    PetStarr, what did you make of Husny's paralysed arm, which rigidly failed to leave his side for the whole performance? "The Thalibarm", if you will.

    Also, it occurred to me that Natalie's facial expression in that screen grab you've reproduced, coupled with the position of her hand, recalls something other than singing she might do on a regular basis.

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  4. Thanks for the mega recap effort Petstarr. Kyle Shithead is on Denton tonight which should be interesting viewing.

    This is scary:
    http://abc.net.au/news/stories/2007
    /09/03/2022383.htm?section=justin

    "Aside from his radio show and Idol commitments, Sandilands - in conjunction with the NSW Government - is developing plans for an unconventional, private primary school."

    Oh. My. God.

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  5. i've never been more embarrassed in my life than when i saw husny perform his final act. had to avert my eyes.

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