Sunday, October 14, 2007

Australian Idol 07 wrap up: The Year You Were Born

I'd like to start tonight's wrap up by stating that when I began this blog in 2004, writing about such amusing things as Iced Vo Vos and my feet, I had no idea that three years later the random title I plucked from the sky would so aptly describe the subject matter I chose to write about. Namely, Australian Idol on "The Year You Were Born" night.

In other words: ALL THE IDOLS WERE SO BLAND TONIGHT I ALMOST STABBED MYSELF WITH MY BRAND NEW MILK FROTHER (a fab birthday present, thanks Leanne) TO KEEP THINGS INTERESTING.

But more on that later. First, tonight's QUICKNEWS:

  • Everyone sings a song from the year of their birth; Matt Corby declines to fully embrace the theme by wearing his birthday suit.


  • Matt Corby and Ben Mackenzie both announce they were born in 1990, the same year The Simpsons began. Telstra profits go through the roof as everyone over the age of 25 texts each other saying "OH MY GOD I FEEL SO OLD".


  • Matt Corby gets out his book of Ridiculous Claims and turns to chapter four, "Ridiculously Outrageous Claims" and reads the first sentence, which states that Phil Collins' Another Day in Paradise was the best song of the 1990s (of course, he would know, having been all of 10 years old when the decade ended.) Kurt Cobain hears this and rolls in his grave, then rolls back over again, comfortable in the knowledge that none of the Idols want to sing his songs.


  • Tarisai struts and yells and the judges praise her for her wonderful personality, which the rest of the country is yet to actually see.


  • Natalie Gauci gets out of rehab, goes straight into the psychiatric ward for split personality treatment after attempting to sing both Diana Ross and Lionel Richie's parts in Endless Love.


  • Daniel Mifsud manages to botch the high notes in Billie Jean, despite it being his turn on the Mark Da Costa tight black jeans roster.


Apart from Carl Riseley's nazi SS style spray-and-wipe jacket from last week, there hasn't been much fancy dressing going on in the Idol camp of late, so it's nice to see Holden has come dressed as Jacob Butler this week:


Marcia's also gotten in on the act, deciding to come as "disco inferno".


Now that's GLOSSY.


Kyle announces that he expects "every single person to be unbelievable tonight". It goes without saying that disappointment is imminent.

Speaking of which, let's kick things off with Ben "OH MY GOD, I WAS BORN IN 1990, NO SERIOUSLY, I'M NOT EVEN JOKING" Mackenzie, who says the best thing about the year 1990 was that "it was the end of the 80s". This seems like a funny comment coming from someone who appears to style themself on Adam Ant:


Stand and deliverrrrrr...


Tonight Ben's decided to go with the controversial "cover of a cover" option, by doing his version of the Red Hot Chili Peppers' version of Stevie Wonder's Higher Ground. As we all know, this is one of the greatest songs in the world, with one of the greatest video clips in the world, featuring the greatest pants in the world as modelled by Flea:


Sadly, as it turns out, Ben neither decides to actually do the rock version of the song OR wear pants made out of stuffed toys. Instead he does a wussed-out semi-funk number that sounds like what you'd get if you mixed Stevie Wonder with N-Sync in his usual uniform of a black jacket and a T shirt with an obscure design on it.

As usual he manages to look like he's doing maths equations in his head throughout the entire performance - either that, or he looks completely disinterested. He can barely muster the energy to move away from the mic stand. The only thing he seems to be passionate about is mispronouncing everything and adding the word "Yaaaayyyeahhhhaayy" to the end of every line.

Holden tells him that song had too much worldly meaning in it and he'd rather hear Ben do something more heartfelt. Or something like that - I'm a bit distracted, as I'm still trying to work out exactly what it is that Marcia's wearing. Dicko calls bullshit on Ben's "I'm doing the Chili Peppers version", and says it's just a sneaky way for Ben to get around the rules and sing a Stevie Wonder song. Hear hear. I'm sick of all this Idol rule bending - they need to install an Idol police force to deal with this sort of sneakiness.


The Idol police would SO look like this.


Then Dicko says Ben's gotten to his pointy end and fallen in between. Sounds like an infraction the Idol police would happily deal with. Suddenly, Marcia's roids kick in and she slams her fist down on the desk, yelling "I'M SICK AND TIRED OF PEOPLE PICKING ON YOU, DAMMIT!"


"SICK OF IT, I SAY!!!"


"I was going to sit here and be quiet but DAMN THAT!" she yells, as Dicko, Holden, Kyle and the rest of Australia looks on in horror.

"You took up most of my time talking SHIT," she yells at Holden, prompting him to do his best Wu Tang hand signs back at her.

"That means 'Whatever Marcia'," our little Gen Y-er Ben helpfully interprets. If only Holden would always talk in sign language we might have a better chance of understanding him.

We all wait for Marcia to overturn the desk again like she did during the audition circuit but sadly she calms down in time for Kyle to add some comment about Ben being a dark horse who could definitely win the competition - does anyone know the hand signal for "Whatever Kyle"?

Let's move on to our next victim, Marty "Let me go home you bastards" Simpson, who was apparently born in 1986 and so has elected to do Crowded House's Now We're Getting Somewhere. Whatever BC bonus points he scores for choosing to do the House are automatically taken away when he starts off the performance on a stool. We plunge into negative numbers when it becomes clear he's turned the song into a reggae jam.


A different type of jam.


Once again Marty manages to win Idol's "Biggest Contradiction" award by being one of the most likeable contestants with one of the best voices who still gives a performance unworthy of the Gol Gol Primary School music night. Please Marty, just learn to smile once in a while - look at Marcia's outfits if you need some comedic inspiration.

Dicko fills Marty with confidence once again by shouting "Dear God, are you STILL here?" before telling him he did a sensational job. Marty looks confused - not that this is unusual. Marcia says something about keeping his stools solid - maybe he needs more fibre in his diet? Oh no wait, she said that starting on the stool kept his performance solid. Gotcha. Kyle says he didn't feel it (which is OK because clearly Marcia did, and it was solid) while Holden says he's glad Marty's found his "Doobee doobee doo groove". Ben Mackenzie is just about to interpret this for everyone, but he's interrupted by Holden squealing that Marty is one of the worst performers they've ever had on Idol, and he's boring as batshit.

"I agree," says the super-amped, ultra confident, always enthusiastic Marty.

Given that Marcia's roid rage seems to be reserved solely to attack mild criticism of Ben Mackenzie's performances, she declines to defend poor Marty from Holden's barbs, and he leaves the stage defeated.

Moving right along to Natalie "I'm the oldest, and even I was born in 1981" Gauci, with Diana Ross and Lionel Richie's soppy duet Endless Love. She's had a hair cut, and it must be said: Girl looks SHARP.


You can tell a Wella woman anywhere.


Unfortunately it seems that whoever was cutting her hair slipped and fell scissors-first onto her outfit as well: A black satin dress cut so horribly short the front row would be getting a good view of her endless love themselves. But with hair like that, she can be forgiven.

Sadly her hair isn't enough to distract me for the full three minutes she's on stage, during which time I fall asleep twice and go to the bathroom once. She has a beautiful voice, but my GOD the girl is dull.

Marcia says she adores her, and her power notes were powerful (thank God for that) but the first note let her down, it was disjointed and it didn't have the flow it should have had. Dicko slams his fist down on the desk and yells "I'M SICK OF YOUR CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM!" before throwing a chair into the audience and headbutting a cameraman. Kyle corrects the imbalance by telling Natalie the first half of her performance was boring dribble, and she's not shining like a light. Holden tells her she's lacking passion and fire, and her batteries are running low (I guess that would explain why her light's not shining).

Moving on to Carl "Guess what? I'm not going to do swing this week. No really, I promise" Risely, who has decided to take the huge leap from swing to jazz. WOW. I mean, colour me surprised. Talk about comfort zones - THAT guy is really pushing some boundaries, right here.

He chooses the really hip and cool and not daggy at all 1982 song Turn Your Love Around by George Benson. Let's just have a look at some other songs from 1982 that Carl COULD have chosen, if he ever decided to do anything slightly different:

  • Survivor - Eye of the Tiger


  • Soft Cell - Tainted Love


  • Charlene - I've Never Been to Me


  • A Flock of Seagulls - I Ran


  • Kim Wilde - Kids in America


At least he's gotten rid of that bloody suit and tie - well, part of it anyway. The jacket still remains. Clearly that 12 step suit-abuse program he's on is working somewhat.

The song is the kind of tune that rich people did cocaine on yachts to in the 80s. If only Carl had some cocaine too it might perk up this performance a bit, which is SO DULL I find myself momentarily distracted by the tap dripping in my kitchen. By momentarily I mean for the full three minutes Carl is on stage.

Kyle says he likes Carl backstage, but onstage it felt a bit uncomfortable and awkward. Oh noes - is their "special" relationship coming to an end? Not to worry, Dicko announces he'd like to hear Carl do a "gay ballad", so he's a possible replacement. Holden says it's good to see Carl stepping out of his "comfort zone" (and straight into another comfort zone, you mean?) but then labels him a "one trick pony". A pony that can sing Sinatra. Marcia remembers she hasn't dropped any ebonics in a while and says "It's good to see you get yo groove thang awn, DYNAMITE!"

Speaking of getting it on, it's Matt "My hair is officially worse than Dan Mifsud's now" Corby, another product of 1990. Suddenly I begin to feel very unclean.

He perches himself on the stool (sigh) and launches into Phil Collins' Another Day in Paradise. That's right, PHIL COLLINS. To reiterate - Matt is 17 and HE CHOOSES TO SING PHIL COLLINS. Do you know what he SHOULD have done, dear reader?

Sinead O'Connor's Nothing Compares 2 U.


Think about it. It would have been WILD. Or Faith No More's Epic. Seriously - HOW AWESOME? Or Technotronic's Pump Up The Jam, that would have been cool too.

At any rate he does Phil Collins, he sort of does it well, but really. I mean it's Phil fucking Collins, isn't it? There's a limit to how good it's ever going to be. Plus he slows it right down to about three beats per minute - at this rate it'll be 1992 by the time he's finished, and he'll be able to do Achy Breaky Heart instead.

I also find myself agreeing with Holden's comment of a few weeks ago that Matt really needs to start developing a personality. If only the boy could grow some charisma with the same vigour he seems to be able to devote to growing his hair, he'd be sorted. And speaking of that hair - really Matt, something needs to be done. I don't want to be too much of a nanna, but it's getting a bit... bird's nesty. Put it this way - when Daniel Mifsud's hairdo is being compared to yours and coming off better, you need to start thinking about visiting the hairdresser.

Holden says some people are annoyed with Matt's vibrato, and it's the same every time he uses it. You can get Matt Corby vibratos now? That's merchandising gone mad! Dicko criticises the song choice (given that it's Phil fucking Collins) and Matt defends himself by coming out with one of the most ridiculous quotes of the entire 2007 series thus far:

"There wasn't much to choose from. The 90s weren't great for music. This was the best song of the 90s."


Given that he spent a full 10 years experiencing the music of the 90s, Matt obviously feels himself something of an expert on the subject. So screw you Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Radiohead, Oasis, Blur, Soundgarden, Pulp, Beastie Boys, Jamiroquai, Beck, Jeff Buckley, Garbage, Weezer, Foo Fighters...

Dicko manages to stop looking surprised long enough to say he hates that song, but Matt's version would probably make him go out and buy a copy of The Big Issue - SO HE COULD ROLL IT UP AND SMACK MATT IN THE HEAD WITH IT. Marcia bigs up her own daughter Deni for something to do with vibratos (you can get a Deni Hines vibrato too? I wonder if Holden will have his own made soon) and Kyle says it doesn't matter what old pile of crap Matt sings every week, as long as he keeps melting hearts. The fact that this is a complete contradiction of what the judges tell every other contestant every week doesn't seem to matter.

Next up is Tarisai "I'm little and I can sing real loud! What do you mean you're not impressed with that anymore?" Vushe with a song from 1987, Aretha Franklin and George Michael's I Knew You Were Waiting. She's obviously been sneaking some of Natalie's medication this week, as she has also decided to sing both parts of the song. Hopefully this means we'll finally get to see Tarisai's KERRR-AAAAY-ZEEE split personality the judges are always banging on about every week.

Like all the other Idols, she starts off on that bloody stool (seriously, what's going on tonight? Have they all been given thighmasters this week or something?) but she looks 10 kinds of disco awesome in a bright yellow T shirt, dark jeans and some funky curls in her hair.


The hair is slightly Oprah-esque, but I dig it.


Sadly her performance isn't quite as bouncy as her hair. Ok look, I know this is controversial, but I've had enough and I'm calling it right now:

TARISAI CAN'T SING.


I told you it was going to be controversial. Honestly, am I on my own here? The girl clearly has SOME kind of voice, I just don't know whether it's one that can sing or not. She dazzles with her big power notes and her strutting and sassiness, but THE GIRL IS NOT STRONG ENOUGH. In fact, for my second controversial statement tonight, I'm going to come out with:

NATALIE GAUCI IS A MUCH BETTER SINGER THAN TARISAI VUSHE.


There, I've said it. She might not be quite as exciting to watch, but she sounds a hell of a lot better. When Tarisai hits a high note or a middle note at a nice and easy tempo, she sounds fabulous. But serve her up a low note at a slightly faster pace and she sounds like Old Yeller baying to come in the back door.

Once again she serves up a big performance, and then finishes by becoming all meek and mousey and squeaking "thank you" in a way that makes you want to throttle her.

Time for the judges to roll through their post-Tarisai routine, which consists of all of them saying how fabulous she is and how she's got such a crazy fun personality and how "you never know which Tarisai you're going to get on stage every week". UM, YES WE DO: THIS ONE. Am I the only one who feels like I'm taking CRAZY PILLS? Where are these multiple personalities hiding? I swear I've only seen one: The three-minute diva who turns into a mouse.

Dicko says she's not quite the "real deal" yet, but she probably will be in two years' time. So might as well get your hat and coat, honey. Kyle says she's a "true artist", which seems an odd way to describe someone who thus far has only performed other people's songs. Holden tells her she doesn't have enough spirit, and he wants people to be screaming "Hallelujah!" when she sings. And they reckon that Hillsong story was a beatup.

Finally it's time for our last performer of the evening, Daniel "Can you believe I'm only 24? Seriously, don't I look at least 29?" Mifsud with Michael Jackson's Billie Jean.

Oh. No. There is no way this is ever going to be any good.

It's clearly Dan's turn on the Mark Da Costa tight black pants roster this week, which may help him hit those Jackson high notes but will probably hinder his attempts at moonwalking.

As it turns out, it doesn't help with either feat - his falsetto is terrible, and his dancing's not much better. All in all, it's a disaster. However I feel that if you squint, you could probably pretend you were watching the real thing.


OK, maybe not.


Marcia says that's one of her favourite songs in the whole world, AND SHE'S SICK OF IDOLS RUINING HER FAVOURITE SONGS, DAMMIT!


"I WAS GOING TO SIT HERE AND BE QUIET BUT DAMN THAT, YOU SUCKED!"


Kyle conveniently forgets that Dan has been in the bottom three at least twice already, and labels him "one of the more popular of this year's Idols", but then says that song just showed up his flaws. Like his inability to sing very well and his lack of dancing skills. Holden says he wants Dan to get more angry (maybe Marcia could give him some tips on that) and Dicko concludes the judging with a classic comment:

"That was like trying to recreate the Mona Lisa with felt tip pens."


"It fell short," he says, as the rest of Australia yells back "DUH!"

And so concludes the 80s/90s snore fest that was "The Year You Were Born" night. Stay tuned for Monday night's results.



17 comments :

  1. Dull? Dull is an understatement. I found myself reading the rules in my tax pack. Dull, dull, dull! Phil Collins the best song of the 90's. WTF? I'm thinking I might be forced to watch that maturing cheese site for a little excitement in my life.

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  2. I forgot (gasp, FORGOT!) to watch Idol last night, but after your recap and the songs they chose, I feel like I've seen it anyway.

    Am proud of you for realising Matt's hair problem. So, so proud!

    YAWN.

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  3. I can only 100% agree - your blog is speakin' a lota sense girlfriend. I think this is shaping up to be the worst year of idol. I am going to dig up my 'taped off the radio' hits of 1990 and have a good listen to cleanse myself from the dire performances of Matt and Ben (can you believe it that Ben goes 'I didn't want to sing that song anyway' when he was accused of being sneaky - talk about a snotty teenage response!). Idol police are definitely needed - along with someone to help these kids to actually pick songs that make them look a bit music savvy. Da Costa was the only one who could do this and he's been banished back to the pub. Maybe that's what's needed? Pack the kids into a mini bus and tell them their off to a children's hospital but instead give them a night on a pubcrawl and introduce the concept of a bit of grunge and substance because at this stage they are on a one way ticket to Caseydonaville - where there's not even room in the Young Diva's for them (especially Tarasai).

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  4. I think last night was probably a bit better than rock night, but only just. There are a few weeks left so who knows - maybe they'll all get better somehow, or pick better songs. I noticed that Holden questioned Tarisai on song choice which made me think who really chooses the Idol's songs?

    Interesting that Marcia warned Tarisai about her cracking voice.. the cracks were appearing in her questionable (to me anyway) touchdown performance last week.. If she doesn't stop yelling her songs instead of actually singing them, she'll chuck a Cosima before the end of the series.

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  5. that.....that thing that werewolf was doing...that shuffling thing, like he'd been mummified....that was dancing?

    'the 90s weren't good for music' - shut up you stupid little boy. the 90's were awesome and you suck balls

    idol hurts me

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  6. do they make a carl vibrato ?????

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  7. totally, 100% agreed. This was the single dullest hour of television I've watched in quite some time. Even Carl's girlfriend was DULL DULL DULL and they spent at least a full minute talking to her.

    If I had a guess, I'd say we'll be waving goodbye to Natalie tonight, just b/c she looked pretty crushed this week. That is a shame b/c she's probably one of the best people left.

    And is it just me or did Matt Corby look like he knew his performance was dull? He looked very disappointed when he finished.

    AND BEN SHOULD STOP RESPONDING TO THE JUDGES! STOP SAYING, "I agree with him!", etc... Just take the damn criticism.

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  8. I truly thought Idol could stoop no lower than last week's horrific Britpop Night. Alas, I was wrong. Every single performance last night was crap. And the excuses used by the remaining singers about their song choices were just as pathetic. The worst performance of the night, as usual, goes to Marty. Not only did the smarmy bore choose a legendary Crowded House song, he decided to demolish it by turning it into some reggae "I wish I was Jack Johnson" version. Marty, you are a disgrace. Leave now.
    As for the other performances - they were beiger than a cafe latte with extra milk. And, I totally agree with PetStarr: Natalie is a much better singer than Tarisai.

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  9. What IS a vibrato???

    The fact that this question has intrigued me more than the actual performances last night REEEEAALLYY says something. Just proves what I have been saying ALLL along- you need MATURE performers on Idol. People who actually KNOW something about music made before 2000, and are experienced in choosing HOT songs to perform. Mark and Jakey B had that... even though their actual singing was a times questionable.

    Besides that I am CRUSHED with Dan's performance (it also kind of proves how great Jacko was before he went off the rails!) but ELATED that he is only 2 years older than me. PERFECT AGE! Anyone now where the man hangs out? :)

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  10. This current year of Idol is a disgrace. I certainly hope they are not going to bring out a CD/DVD of the person who wins it like they did last year. I find that every Sunday night or Monday morning at the laterst I have to play The Winners Journey by Damien Leith to eradicate what I have just seen/heard.
    Perhaps we have been spoilt by the quality of last year.
    The touchdowns that have happened so far this year should not have been given. No one has deserved one yet. Maybe Mark has a certain number that he has to hand out and as for the advertising that "this years Idol is the best one yet" , I feel like taking them to Court and demand that they prove it.
    This is the worst year ever.
    Keep up the good work with your blog.

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  11. Channel Ten must approach every Sunday night with monumental dread. This year's idol sucks cock.

    Ducking out to see a movie halfway through was way the better option. You know it's true Petstarr.

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  12. hey audrey. i see we're in agreement with the sucking of male genitalia.

    what movie did you see? 'once' is lovely, and 'hairspray' is quite possibly the happiest movie of all time.

    oi, idols, if you're reading this, next time holden sits there silent and about to bag you, can you just tell him to grow up and stop being such a dickhead.

    either that, or just throw something at him

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  13. OMG the only reason to watch idol this season is to stay up to date with blandcanyon... sooooo bad

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  14. NATALIE GAUCI IS A MUCH BETTER SINGER THAN TARISAI VUSHE.

    I don't know, I reckon they're both as shithouse as each other - bland, bland, bland. But at least Natalie isn't a robot who whispers "Thank you" to EVERY FUCKING COMMENT THE JUDGES MAKE.

    Ahem. Sorry about that little outburst, I'm still pissed that Marty "I can't sing for shit" Simpson was safe tonight and Benji Mac went home. Idol voters of Australia: WTF?!?

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  15. Idol is almost not worth watching anymore - dull, dull, DULL.

    Yeah, I'd like to see this crazy personality Tarisai's supposed to possess. It really annoys me that we never see it since the judges always mention it. CRAZY would be better than timid mouse.

    Matt corby's still gonna win.

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  16. Ho ho ho, all this talk of turdular performances reminds me of all the years I spent playing drums in the Gol Gol Primary School band, no really, I did. And I can't help but think the band might not have done some of these sorry singers some good this night. Even if our renditions of Surfin USA, Peter Gunn and Hava Nagila were as jangly as a set of car keys and as cringeworthy as Pete Helliar in a g-string. NB: I added that last bit because this blog is so popular he may actually be reading. If you are Pete, you're a FAT UNFUNNY DICKHEAD. FAT and UNFUNNY, YOU HEAR?? That goes for you too, Rove and Hughesy

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