This is approximately how old I was at the beginning of the series
...and hard nights on the couch...
...and pages and pages of notes...
...and WAY too much Marcia and Holden...
...we're FINALLY HERE. Idol's night of nights! THE GRAND FINALE - AUSTRALIA DECIDES!
I have to admit it's lucky I even caught the program at all - I thought they had done a last minute schedule change and shifted the show to the ABC on Saturday night, but it turned out it was just some other show called 'Australia Decides' with less attractive contestants. I couldn't work out why everyone kept whooping and cheering - especially when the nerd with the glasses won. AND he didn't sing ONCE.
Anyway it's Monday now so it's all done and dusted, but to get you back in the mood of Sunday night let's set the scene a bit here: Imagine Marcia is Tina Turner in leather, the Opera House is the Thunderdome and Holden is Mad. Oops, I obviously mean Mad MAX - don't want to make it too easy for you.
Two Idols enter. One Idol leaves. (The other stays in the Thunderdome and enjoys a more successful career.)
Let the not-so-liveblogging BEGIN!
7.30pm: Well, we're here, it's the grand final, and... ARE YOU SERIOUS? ALREADY?
And Corby single-handedly pushes the Stevie count into double figures - WOO! Does this mean he's won? Oh, it doesn't. Never mind.
7.35: The Idol producers, clearly rueing the lack of sweat and grease in this year's grand final show, get Chris "contractual obligations" Murphy back to interview some "celebrities" (ie: people you may recognise but can't actually name) on the "red carpet" (ie: whatever bit of material was left over from the ARIAs). This includes such famous identities as: That Girl From Neighbours, That Other Girl From Neighbours and That Random American Guy. And Brett Lee.
7.40: Tim Bailey (otherwise known as That Guy Who Crops Up On Channel 10 Every Year Or So To Do A Spot Of Filler) is coming in LIVE from La Gauci's home town of... who knows. Who cares? For some reason the Consul General of Malta is there - I like to think that he's there by accident after a case of mistaken identity at the airport, and he's standing there waving and smiling thinking "This doesn't look like the Confederation of Goat Farmers trade conference..."
7.41: One of Nat's relatives starts playing the accordion and everyone starts dancing. It's like a Fasta Pasta ad.
7.42: Andrew G has REALLY taken Movember too far.
7.43: "Is that Ben Cousins?" shrieks Raoul Duke. No, it's someone called "Labrat". So, same thing really. He's hanging out with Le Corby's friends in his hometown. Wherever that is.
7.45: Back at the Thunderdome and Tina, Max and the others are sitting on a couch with Monkey Boy. Dicko's got his best leathers on (could this be a nod to our leather-loving lady, La Gauci?) while Max is dressed in his best Sergeant Peppers outfit. Which, funnily enough, is actually one of his worst.
7.47: "Well I said TURN ME LOOSE, TURN ME LOOSE..." and so on and so on.
7.51: Damien "Diddle-dee-dee" Leith has taken some time out from guarding his pot of gold at the end of the rainbow to come and perform his new single All I Want Is You. Weird - I seem to remember some other Irish singer doing something like that before...
7.55: Time for the obligatory flashback of the last 20 years. Or however long this series has been running now. We are all reminded of Breanna, Holly, Jacob and OH MY GOD I'D TOTALLY FORGOTTEN ABOUT
IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN YOU!!!!
While we're flashbacking, here's what the BC said about both contenders in their first auditions, way back when:
"He's followed by Natalie who, fortunately, doesn't look a thing like Michael Keaton but does seem to own the ugliest vinyl jacket in Australia. This wouldn't really be a problem, except that she happens to be wearing it. She also happens to own the biggest electric keyboard in Australia, and once the semi trailer carrying it has dropped it off in the audition room and it has been winched into place, she starts doing an Alicia Keys impression on it. Apparently it's an original song. Apparently this is also the performance that has been touted on the ads all week as having taken the judges' collective breath away. Unfortunately not away for long enough to hospitalise Kyle for the rest of the series, but enough to make Dicko pull out the "I think you can win this competition" line for the first time this year. He follows it up by saying she's the "total package". Oh no. Kiss of death for Natalie, buh-bye!"
Ah La Gauci. She kept that whole vinyl jacket thing up though, didn't she? Bless her. And the other guy?
"Anyway it's finally time for our last auditionee for 2007! Hurrah! Meet 16 year old Matt, who looks like a cross between Dean Geyer and Hamish Blake. Which, as we know, equals HOTT and CUTE! Matt brings the "grrr" and "awww" factors together in a way science previously never thought possible. And guess what song he does?
Yes. Oh yes he does.
I AM starting to get a bit superstitious now...
But it's not all tragic - he plays it on his guitar, and he's a pretty hot guitarist for 16. Oh Matt, oh yeah.
Clearly Matt's already won this whole thing so there's probably no point in coming back for the next episode...but I shall anyway! Onward and upward, and thank GOD for Sydney!"
8.00: "Alright Australia, for the first time in 20 years, THE DIVINYLS!!" Thousands of confused teenagers think "That old chick's doing Natalie Gauci" as Chrissie and the gang launch into Boys in Town. Sadly there is no piano standing though.
8.02: "Too much too young! Woo! Too much too... er... where'd the picture go?" Instead of watching the Divinyls whip the end of the song into oblivion, we're treated to a delightful ad for some new Channel 10 show called Don't Forget the Lyrics, which appears to be a none-too-subtle rip off of Channel 9's The Singing Bee, but worse BECAUSE IT'S INTERRUPTING THE DIVYNLS. Clearly the work experience kid has tripped over a cable and sent the network into meltdown.
"How classic," yips Raoul. "The Divinyls agree to do this shit show for publicity and then Channel 10 fucks it up."
Petstarr: "I can't believe they fucked up the end of that song."
Raoul Duke: "I can't believe they're getting all these old Idols no one cares about to do Pascall ads."
Petstarr: "Good point."
8.05: "Alright Australia, for the first time in five minutes, THE DIVINYLS!" Chrissie and the gang have another crack at Boys in Town. As Channel 10 is so fond of saying: Seriously. In the background you can just hear the distant sounds of someone getting the sack.
8.06: "I must have been desperate, I must have been pretty low..." Yep, those lyrics would seem to be fairly appropriate for thie evening, Chrissie.
8.07: Andrew G announces The Divinyls' new single is Don't Wanna Do This. That would also seem to be fairly appropriate.
8.25: Shannon Noll wears a vest with cut off sleeves and screams like Jimmy Barnes.
8.36: Channel 10 confuses one pointless talent contest with another and gets "20 of Australia's best dancers" on stage to promote So You Think You Can Dance?. So you think you can last the full three hours of this shit?
8.38: So, like, where are Matt and Nat?
8.39: More dancing. Some people are dressed in twigs. Considering half of the Idol cast spent the last 12 weeks dressed by Sheridan Tyler, I think we can safely say this is an improvement.
8.41: Someone's mum gets on stage to sing Who's Loving You. Not us, by the looks of it.
8.43: More flashbackery - we get to see Casey Donovan's audition tape from 2005 in which she's sporting dodgy plaited hair, jumbo shorts and a horrid grey sweater. Actually, IS that her audition tape, or footage of her at the ARIAs this year?
8.48: Raoul Duke: "DO THIS IN AN HOUR, YOU BASTARDS!"
8.49: Natalie Bassingthwaighghhghhte tears in on the back of a motorbike with a JBF hairdo (actualy, it's more like a JBFVVH - work that one out for yourselves) and starts singing whatever crap single the Rogue Traders are trying to pass off as music this week. Everyone prays for the work experience kid to come back and breakdance across the broadcast room.
8.50: "I never liked you and I won't pretend to!" she sings. Again, like the Divinyls, an INSPIRED song choice.
8.51: A bunch of ninjas rush on to the stage, but instead of swarming on Natalie and throwing her into the harbour they just do a bit of dancing. Sigh.
8.58: A stretch Porsche rolls up, escorted by a team of rollerbladers with flaming wrists. Either a bunch of waitresses has gotten caught in a tragic kitchen fire at a Johnny Rockets and is skating towards the Harbour to cool off, or the IDOLS HAVE ARRIVED!
8.59: WHAT IS NATALIE WEARING? Her breasts look enormous, mainly because they're being squeezed so hard by that ill-fitting bodice that they've started to do a fairly passable impression of the BOOBA book shelf from Ikea. And that dreadful toilet roll holder white tulle skirt makes her look... well...
9.00: Honestly, is Natalie pregnant? Raoul suggests that perhaps she has "some weird extra body part they have to disguise". Like a penis? "Exactly like a penis." On the other hand, she's DRIPPING in diamonds, of which I approve.
9.01: Oh look, Matt's wearing a blue suit. SERIOUSLY, COULD SHE BE PREGNANT?
9.03: Brianna, Jacob, Werewolf and the rest of the gang come back on stage to show us exactly we why voted them out WEEKS AGO. Luckily the fireworks are there to drown them out. They're doing Lionel Richie's All Night Long - another appropriate song choice, as that's the approximate running length of tonight's show.
9.08: OH MY GOD IT'S BLOODY LIONEL RICHIE! This must be a high point of his career, performing alongside Brianna Carpenter.
9.17: More flashbacks. I don't know what of, I'm too lost in my own flashback, back to an hour and a half ago when I was enthusiastic, full of beans, awake...
9.21: Ok, so they've cut the Divinyls off half way through, they've had rollerbladers with third degree burns and they've had Lionel Richie - I really don't see how they can spin this out for a whole other hour.
9.22: Oh. With interpretive dance.
9.23: Thank GOD Natalie got changed!
9.24: Hang on, is that a fur bolero? Sigh.
9.25: Matt has obviously been caught napping through all those boring flashbacks and has had to dash on stage with only a moment's notice, as he appears to have arrived on stage wrapped only in his bedclothes. If only Matt slept naked. Sigh.
9.26: And so commences the dodgiest Idol final 12 medley in the history of medleys. Come to think of it, has a medley EVER been good, in the history of medleys? Actually, yes.
9.27: Oh dear. The Beach Boys + Smash Mouth + M People + Fatboy Slim = WASTE OF EVERYONE'S TIME, JUST MAKE THE ANNOUNCEMENT ALREADY FOR F*CK'S SAKE.
9.28: "Who do you think you are? Stop acting like some kind of staa-aaar!" sings Brianna. Truer words were never sung. Actually, THOSE words were never sung either, given that they were delivered by Brianna. It's a bit like this:
9.37: The eternal mystery of why it is so difficult to dress Natalie Gauci in a decent outfit continues, as she rocks on stage in a tight, white evening gown straight from the budget rack at Gilly and Graham's Bridal Barn.
9.42: The cutest grandparents in the world, Corrado and Pasqualina, give their best wishes to Natalie. This segment contains the phrase "We see you in the TV tonight, we wish you win." I secretly hope that Corrado and Pasqualina win the competition instead.
9.47: La Gauci puts on a performance of Michael Jackson's Man in the Mirror. If only she'd listened to that man a bit more instead of Sheridan Tyler, we'd all be listening intently instead of shielding our eyes from the fashion abomination she's currently traipsing around in.
9.55: Not one to be outdone in the stupid fashion stakes, Matt Corby turns up in a pair of spray on maroon velveteen pants that make him look like he's been out ridin' steeds for the past 48 hours. Riding something, at any rate. "I'M GONNA PUNCH YOU IN THE NUTS!" yells Monkey Boy for no apparent reason. Perhaps he was talking to Sheridan.
9.56: Another flashback, and... Oh. Yay.
10.02: One of Matt's friends is selling his old monkey patterned pyjamas on Ebay for charity. "Remember when you wore these, Matty?" she laughs. "He wore those last week," guffaws Raoul.
10.04: Matt sings Bittersweet Symphony Ben McKenzie style. What, no Immigrant Song?
10.12: "We have a winner," announces Monkey Boy. Oh GOODY, because it's only taken THREE FUCKING HOURS. They called Bennelong earlier than this.
10.14: ANOTHER FUCKING GROUP PERFORMANCE. WHY DON'T THEY JUST GIVE US ALL THE FINGER WHILE SINGING "SCREW YOU, AUSTRALIA" HUH? HUH?
10.15: I know I'm starting to sound like a broken record but WHAT IS NATALIE WEARING? It's some disgusting $19.95 patterned top from Deborah Kay, or Kath & Kim's costume department. Are we allowed to have an Idol who clearly can't dress herself? Is that against the rules? Although I guess that would rule out both contenders, so we'd better just go with it...
10.16: One of the Idols is about to win a car. "I hope it's Jacob so he can FUCK OFF," screams Raoul. It's Holly. Oh well, at least she can drive back to Mildura, and obscurity, in it.
10.22: ARE WE THERE YET? We must be nearing the end, Natalie's made her final horrific costume change, this time into a very unforgiving red satin sheath and choker circa 1992, plus a pair of elbow-length black leather gloves. Um, what? Yes, that's right.
Pic source: The Age
Matt, on the other hand, has clearly borrowed his outfit for the evening: The suit from Carl Risely and the shoes from Natalie. If he clicks his heels three times he'll go home to Oyster Bay.
10.23: And the winner is... NATALIE GAUCI! Cue screaming, wailing, dancing in the aisles and people throwing themselves into the Harbour.
10.24: "I'm so happy for Nat," says Matt. "She's awesome, she's just gonna blow everyone.
10.25: Really, WHO told her to put those gloves on? She looks like a diamond thief. Well that explains her earlier outfit, then.
10.27: Here I Am. Here She Is. Here I Go - to the kitchen to make a cup of tea.
10.29: Fireworks, explosions, power notes and five thousand tonnes of confetti conclude the proceedings. Fortunately Nat has her industrial gloves on so she can help with the clean up.
10.30: Goodnight Australia. It's been fun. Next time I decide to ruin my sleep, health and social life by blogging a TV show, I do hope you'll join me.