Monday, November 12, 2007

Australian Idol 07 Wrap Up: Audience Choice Night RESULTS

What a RIPPER of a show tonight was, ladies and gentlemen! I'm so excited I can barely contain myself. Being the totally impartial commentator that I am (go Matt) I can safely say I was barracking for all three finalists (it's in the bag, Corby) evenly. (Matt! Woo!)

Speaking of Matt, a work colleague of mine apparently spent the weekend musing on what Matt would look like if he was 20% Holden. Or, perhaps more accurately, what the Idol-spawn of Matt and Holden would turn out like. Apparently, this is it.

Bizarre social experiment, or hot? You decide.

Perhaps you need to watch that otter film again now.

Ok this is the second to last BIG ANNOUNCEMENT so let's not dick around here. Let's cut straight to the chase with QUICKNEWS:

  • Ken Doll tries to outdo Matt Corby in the ridiculous hair stakes by sporting a dirty great porn 'stache and scaring off half of the 12-24 female demographic.

  • Delta Goodrem rocks up to promote her new single, turns up looking like Shakira crossed with a giant poodle. In a muu-muu.


    I mean, I know everyone says Delta would look good in a potato sack, but did she have to take them literally? While she wails at her piano (and I wail on the couch) a lost rock and roll eisteddfod troupe shuffles awkwardly behind her. "GOD THIS IS INTERMINABLE!" I yell, just as it finishes. Thank God for that.

  • Holden gives everyone a Blair Witch style backstage tour, which seems to focus rather heavily on plates of old chops and snags (so THAT'S where Carl's vocal chops got to)

  • Marcia raids Delta's wardrobe, dons a matronly purple dress to sing a nasally version of REM's Everybody Hurts. For the first time, the lyrics make sense. The three remaining Idols try to look interested from the sidelines, which results in Natalie Gauci looking more than slightly awkward. My mother informs me her dress is actually in a shade known as "menopause blue". You learn something new every day. And sometimes things you didn't want to.

And then it comes to results time, and Matt, Natalie and Carl are ALL IN THE BOTTOM THREE. OH MY GOD. THIS IS UNPRECEDENTED.

Natalie is the first to be sent back to the couch. Damn, there goes my tip. Speaking of tips - since when has she had a nose stud? Have I missed this small detail for the entire series, or is she just feeling reckless enough to wear it for the first time tonight? Makes a change from the ginormous earrings.

"I can't believe this is happening!" she squeals. To be honest neither can I, after last night's performance.

So it's down to Matt and Carl. I think we all know what's going to happen here. But just in case you're wondering who the favourite is, the judges are here to remind you.

"Surely Matt can't go, SURELY?" shrieks Dicko.

"We just can't imagine that MATT would go," sobs Marcia.

"This is STRESSIN' ME OUT!" yells Holden.

"My whole family loves Carl," says Kyle, finally adding a bit of balance to the discussion.

"But to me, Matt is the bomb."

Ah. Oh well.

Meanwhile poor unwanted loser reject Carl who no one likes is desperately fighting back tears as those bastards Ken Doll and Monkey Boy throw to another ad break. Will he make it through another adbreak? Will WE?

As it turns out, we don't have to, as here in Adelaide Telstra has kindly decided to broadcast a commercial that ruins the entire surprise.

"WANT TO GO TO THE OPERA HOUSE FOR THE LIVE IDOL FINALE?" it screams, while flashing up photos and the names MATT .... NATALIE.

THANKS A FUCKING LOT, TELSTRA. We're not ALL on Eastern Standard Time you know, you bastards. Way to ruin the moment. I can only hope they do that for the grand finale as well, and really ruin the whole series for me.

So we get back from the adbreak and who cares anymore - the real winner of the night is Telstra. Carl is obviously given the boot, which we already know because TELSTRA TOLD US FIVE MINUTES AGO. He looks supremely depressed, which is the perfect mood for him to be in to sing us whatever song it was that he sang last night that people obviously didn't like enough to vote for him. Depression all round, including in camp Corby where it's raining tears.

Kyle wraps up the show with an insult to diggers everywhere by playing the last post on Carl's trumpet (so to speak), before saying "We'll miss you mate, we'll miss you so much". But Matt's THE BOMB, right Kyle?

And so we say farewell to Carl, the Trumpet Crumpet, and hello to a FULL ON, HARDCORE GAUCI V CORBY FINAL. Who will win the crown, and who will be destined to spend the rest of their on-screen career spuriking Clinkers? Only time will tell...


  1. Never fear Carl fans...Pascalls always needs spokesmen! You can blow marshmallows out of a trumpet, can't you?

    I'm thrilled Natalie made it through, even though Corby's winning. No more 'Ray of Light'.

    Honestly, I kind of liked Marcia's performance. Better than Delta's actually, b/c I was so distracted by the permed out synthetic Barbie hair.

  2. Nice work Telstra. First time they've ever delivered before a deadline.

    I found a new way to get through result shows - mute it - and watch other stuff on the laptop. Makes it so much less painful.

    How much Napisan was needed to wash all the Delta backing outfits?

  3. great result, very happy we have a Mattalie finale...

    and Petstarr I hope you're prediction back in August, when there were still 64 is correct... that Matt is the winner!

  4. Thank GOD Carl is gone. Now i don't really care who wins, and i can go on merrily with my life, free of bitterness. As my friend said after the show ended:

    "Now i'm a little bit less disgusted with this show"

    That pretty much sums it up.

  5. No surprises there. I tuned in for the last 5 minutes of the show, purely by accident, but it was just perfect timing.

    It was a bit unfair on Carl, they should have just told him to go home then and there, to hell with the results. I would have laughed so hard if he had got through though after they bagged him like that.

    And I'm not fussed at all with Delta's new "look". Shakira x poodle is right (I didn't see the mu-mu). If she was going for "tramp" she sure hit the mark.

  6. YES! Delta looks exactly like a Mumsy Shakira. She's not exactly my bag, but she was SO much sexier when she didn't try. Now she just looks shocking. And WTF has she done to that hair?!

    Yay for a Nat & Matt final! Hey, she didn't choose 'Ray of Light'. It was shocking, but forgivable for that reason.

  7. Menopause blue is a colour? I thought it was a state of mind.

  8. your blogs greatly amuse me. [: