Monday, November 19, 2007

Australian Idol 07 Wrap Up: Final Two

Oh. My. God. Ohmygod Ohmygod Ohmygod OhmygodOhmygodOhmygodOhmygod.

We are like, SO down to the final two, and HOW FRICKIN' EXCITED ARE WE?


As Christopher Lambert once famously said: THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE, so tonight it's up to either Matt or Natalie to get out their broadsword and hack the other's head off. Or you know, just outsing them or something.

They're certainly dressed for a fight - Nat's sporting some fetching bondage gear while Matt's already loosened his tie. GAME ON, MOLLS. Forget Gladiators, THIS will be the deathmatch to end all deathmatches. Let's have a look at our final two, shall we?

As you can see, there's barely anything in it. Christ, there are more points of difference between Rudd and Howard right now.

Back to the show: Monkey Boy informs us that there'll be no judging tonight as they're "Going to leave it up to the people to decide".

Still, it's lucky the judges have turned up anyway, as everyone wants to have a go at Dicko for some comment he made in the newspaper about the winner's single being a pile of crap. I haven't read the article and I haven't heard the song, but stuff it: I'M WITH DICKO. Let's face it: Odds are that it will be crap, and even if it isn't it probably will be after we're all forced to listen to it on every Channel 10 promo over and over again for the next six months.

Then there's a big video package detailing Matt and Natalie's "journeys" up to this point, which in both cases has consisted of one flight to Sydney. So don't expect too many frequent flyer points on that one. There's also some footage of Matt's parents explaining they knew he was destined to be a star when they saw him rocking back and forth next to the television when he was two. ROCKING. BACK AND FORTH. THAT IS STAR QUALITY RIGHT THERE, PEOPLE.

It's clear there's going to be a lot of flashbackery this episode, so let's take a look at some of the BC's favourite Idol moments this year:

  • "It must make you proud to have everyone in this room do this to you while your mum's watching." - Ken Doll to Tarisai about her touchdown on Britpop night.

  • "If you call Tarisai Tiramisu one more time I'm going to punch you in the throat." - Monkey Boy to Holden.

  • Jacob Butler singing Oasis at every opportunity EXCEPT for on Britpop night, where, of course, it would have been highly inappropriate.

  • Carl Risely attempting a swing version of that #1 pop classic, Waltzing Matilda.

  • Anything ever sung by Brianna Carpenter.

  • Brianna Carpenter admitting to being totally deaf in one ear. Australia slapping its collective forehead in sudden understanding.

  • Scarves. Tight black jeans. Scarves. Stupid hair. Scarves.

  • And of course, the infamous Rock Night

There are SO many more but there's no time for that now - THE DEATHMATCH HAS BEGUN!

Matt's first up and he's launching straight into the winner's single that Dicko is so enamoured of, Here I Am. Wow. Catchy title. They could have gone with Here I Are or Here You Am, but I think the final decision was the right one.

It's a very boy-friendly single, all about "now I've found a place to land" and "I've waited all my life" and "blah blah blah yooooooou" - sorry I couldn't get all the lyrics down, they were extremely complex and besides, I was distracted for most of the song by Matt's teeth, which are exceptionally straight and white. This is obviously the reason the poor boy was forced to wear tea towels for half the season - he spent all his money on orthodontics. Poor lad.

And the judges say... NOTHING. Because they're not allowed to. But let's just imagine they did anyway: Holden says "YOWZA!", Dicko says "Collywobbles!", Marcia says "Mmm-hmm!" and Kyle says "Not lame."

Moving on to Natalie Gauci's video package, in which her parents say something like "Natalie always used to say she's be famous one day, blah blah blah, she's always been a star in our family, yada yada yada, she always stood on pianos at home, etc. etc. etc." Honestly, one day I would just love to hear some Idol's parents go "Nah, she never had that much interest in music, she actually really wanted to be an accountant. We can't understand why she's even bothering with this show."

Anyway, on with the show. Natalie's decided to perform some obscure Timbaland song called Apologise, which is quite appropriate as she really SHOULD be sorry for that awful outfit she's in: A black vinyl mini dress with a shiny red belt and black leather gloves. She looks like a pantomime cat burglar caught mid-crime. Couple this fashion craziness with the psychedelic camerawork that places three close-up shots of her face on screen at the same time, and you've got one surefire recipe for FREAKING ME OUT. I imagine she sang the song rather well, but honestly, who would know? During the few moments in which I'm not distracted by her crazy gloves, I'm blinded by the light reflecting off of Matt Corby's teeth backstage. Seriously - they could just hang a mirrorball in front of that guy's face and Channel 10 would save hundreds on lighting bills.

Speaking of mirrorball Matt, he appears to actually be wearing one around his neck for his second performance. The undone silver sequinned bow tie is very "Studio 54 Morning After" - I approve. He's chosen to do Radiohead's High and Dry as done by Jamie Cullum. So what, that's like Radiohead to the power of 3? Or negative 6? Whatever - I bet Carl's jealous Matt got to stick around and do a jazzy interpretation number as his final performance. Somewhere, Carl turns up his Great Anthems of the World - SWING STYLE! CD to mask the sound of his weeping.

NEXT! It's La Gauci again, with a surefire suicide call: Kate Bush's Running Up That Hill. IS SHE MAD? Not even Kate Bush can make that song sound good. No, seriously, this is ridiculous. NO ONE CAN SING THIS SONG. I know, I tried it on Singstar last weekend and almost melted my own vocal chords.

Her performance is not helped by another seriously dodgy dominatrix outfit - a black leather jacket that Sheridan Tyler has attacked with a Bedazzler and black lycra leggings with the biggest crotch you've ever seen. But shit, the girl is doing Kate Bush. And she's actually rocking it. This is good. THIS IS GREAT. It's a damn shame there's no piano for her to stand on as a grand finale, but nevertheless, it's a hot performance.

After the adbreak (in which Channel 10 pretends that bringing Friends back to TV is the really exciting, bold move we've all been waiting for rather than just a cynical move to resurrect a show everyone's seen a million times on Foxtel already in a pathetic attempt to engender loyalty in its Gen X audience) it's time for Matt Corby's third song. Which is Wolfmother's Mind's Eye. The only thing I remember about this is Matt's ridiculous "glasses" print T shirt, which is the last thing I saw before I threw my half eaten dinner at my television and stalked out of the room in disgust, muttering something about "Led Zeppelin" and "White Stripes" and "rip offs".

It's about this time that I realise Matt Corby looks a lot like supermodel Miranda Kerr.

So, which one is going out with Orlando Bloom then?

NEXT! La Gauci is back, and this time she's singing the winner's single, Here I Am. So here she is. Or there she is. Whatever.

Clearly Sheridan Tyler has it in for her tonight, as her third outfit is even worse than the first two. A bright red satin sheath that's as unforgiving as ... well, something really unforgiving. Like an anti Jesus. This dress shows every bump - not just the good ones. NATALIE MY LOVE, WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS PRETEND TO BE CHUNKY? We know you're not, so stop it.

And so concludes the snooze fest. BUT HOWEVER WILL WE CHOOSE? I hear you scream.

Look, when it comes down to it, the final two are like a Gillette razor: They're essentially exactly the same products, it's just that one looks girlier. And I'm not talking about Natalie.

Good luck, my darling Idolites. May the best girl win.


  1. F I N A L L Y...waiting for you to put up your blog today has been more painful than listening to not one, but TWO versions of the world's worst pop song (aka. the winners single). Well almost. I actually think they should change the name to the LOSERS single, because SUCKED IN to the person who has to release that!! I am now praying for Matt to LOSE so he can retain a shred of musical integrity. Not suprised by the lameness- it was pened by the people who have written for the Backstreet Boys. What the #?$% were these Idol producers thinking????????????
    PS. Apologize (which Nat sang) isn't really an obscure song. It's been #1 in the US and is building momentum here. You wouldn't know it though with the horrific version Nat sang. Gah.

  2. Omigod - that show last night had more filler than Blanche Deveraux's face on the Golden Girls. I really hope that Natalie loses so that her career has some chance. Man she can sing. I wonder what she did to Sheridan Tyler to make him hate her so much?

  3. Yay! Glad to see someone other than me liked the Kate Bush (Matt fans have been saying it was very sucky.) I thought it she really rocked it.

    Winner's single sucked. Am I surprised? Nope.

  4. Two comments here. Well okay, three.

    1. Foreman excelled himself with the Running Up That Hill arrangement. I thought "suicide" too when I heard it was going to happen - but that arrangement and a great vocal made it something quite compelling.

    2. Natalie's dress for the final song was utterly gorgeous. And that's coming from a Scorpio. So nyah :)

    3. Natalie's performance of Bland Finalist Single #23a was a lot better than the song deserved. It certainly showed off her versatility, range and ability to click into whatever genre happens to be required, and gets my vote for being Less Crap Than Matt's Version.

  5. The only thing Matt could win is a freak show contest.

    No-one would even come close

  6. I thought that it was matt that was bitching about the winner's single before the show, not Dicko:

    Dicko was whinging about how boring the pair are:

    Nat is clearly the better performer, she rocked that Kate Bush song, but that doesn't mean I think she should win... no one should be punished so harshly and be forced to release that uber-lame single...

  7. The winner's single just had to be crap, didn't it? I don't think idol has ever had a winner's single that didn't suck total arse. Maybe its time they got someone else other than that bald fat guy they showed once to write them.. unless they have, in which case - bring him back!

  8. As a Kate Bush fan I cringed at Natalies attempt - she murdered it and I had to switch off. Hope the gorgeous Kate never ever gets to hear one of her wonderful songs totally butchered.

    Matt (as per usual) stole the show with his seemingly effortless performances. The voice just oozes warmth and melody.

    However, I actually enjoy both Matt and Nat's performances usually, but Nat does come across as a bit of a 'try hard', and some of those high notes are soooo painful.

    It was Dicko who called the pair boring, what a stupid man he is - to try and intimidate young talant when they're giving him a job!!

    The 'winning song' reminds me of the european song contest - really bad songs written by obscure people.

  9. you have no idea how much I love you for spelling 'moll' correctly. No one believes me that it's spelt like that :(

  10. OMG are you gonna watch gossip girl?

  11. I've had the first episode of GG sitting around here for weeks and I haven't bothered to watch it yet. I never got into the OC so I'm thinking I can't be bothered with this one either....