Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Junk mail round up Vol 5

It's taken almost six weeks of rocking back and forth in the corner of a darkened room, clutching my limited edition Matt Corby pillow (which I bought with my Matt Corby novelty dollars) and wailing "WHY MATT, WHY NOT YOOOOU?" but I'm finally feeling ready to blog again post-Idol.

And what better way to bounce back in '08 than with a good old junk mail round up?

Let's kick off with this flyer for a local private school. The school in question shall remain nameless, but it's fair to say it's the type of establishment that rich mummies and daddies send children with names like Hugh, Oscar and Max to. And it doubles as a detention centre on the weekends, evidently.


Perhaps you'd like a closer look at that?


"Mummmy let me ouuuut!!! I promise I won't eat all the truffles again!"


What better way to advertise your school than by getting your students to do an impression of the latest arrivals at Baxter? Obviously "The journey starts here" isn't just an inspirational tag line - IT'S A CHALLENGE.

Let's move on to something even more cheery, this decidedly sadistic flyer for telecommunications giant Optus.


Who do they think they are, bloody Tony Soprano? ("Hey boss, you want I should er, 'get rid' of that fluffy bunny rabbit?")

PS: THANKS FOR THE MULTIPLE CHOICE, OPTUS. Do we get a choice of weapon as well? Chainsaw? Mallet? Blender? Creeps.

You know, lately every time I fry sausages I just feel so ... I dunno, DAGGY. I just can't shake the feeling that there's a more, well, TRENDY way to do it...


HALLELUJAH!


I knew it! For just $1.50 I can get myself some TRENDY TABLE TONGS (that, strangely enough, look just like NORMAL TABLE TONGS) and start living life in the fast lane! Thanks, Cheap as Chips!

But why stop there? If I head down to GO-LO I can ramp the trendiness level up another notch by purchasing one of these spiffy shirts:


Shall we assume this is the photographer's cousin?


Look at the GREAT CHOICE OF COLOURS! There are five! And they're all vaguely the same! Why not buy the whole set and confuse your neighbours?

Now that we're rollin' like true playas with our trendy tongs and our great coloured shirts, it might be time to sell up the old pad and move into a more suitable suburb. I reckon this lady can help us out:



IF SHE'S NOT TOO BUSY BEING POSSESSED BY THE DEVIL:


I'm not responsible for any criminal acts you may commit if you stare at this too long.


Disappointingly, she has neglected to include the line "NOT REAL CURRENCY - NO MONETARY VALUE" anywhere on this flyer. I hope this means that some poor confused person thought it was a Christmas present from Aunty Flo and tried to do their shopping with it. How I would have laughed.

Speaking of Christmas presents, I do hope you chose to do your holiday shopping at Smokemart. They have such a good range to choose from, and the whole family can shop there - this little girl is trying to decide what to get her daddy:


Thoughtfully, her daddy has left a whole range of post-it note suggestions for her to choose from. What a good daddy. I wonder what she'll choose?


Hmm.


NAUGHTY STUFF or DRINKING GEAR, it's such a tough choice for an eight year old. No wonder she's having to think about it.

If only she'd gone to My Chemist instead - THEY know how to do a classy flyer.


Now, isn't this the true spirit of Christmas?


Merry new year everybody.



18 comments :

  1. But where can I get a 17cm table to use the trendy tongs? And didn't they notice that by putting the 00 of the 100 right under the woman's neck, they look just a lttle bit like fake norks? (Not seeing it? Add some nipples.) But on the whole I guess not that much less convincing than The Other Minogue's pretend set, I guess.

    Oh, I like my word verification: coaeua. Is it (a) a bird's bum (b) Hawaiian for a dirty massage or (c) the sound one makes when doing the technicolour yawn?

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  2. Thank FUCK you're back.

    Meanwhile, apart from 'naughty stuff' and 'drinking stuff', one of the things the dad wants is 'card'. It's like they used up all their imagination with everything else and just had one spot to fill in like, five minutes.

    'Why not come out the window?'

    Exactly.

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  3. So glad you are back - another glorious dose of snark to start the day - thanks!

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  4. I can't believe you didn't mention how uncannily like Nicole Cornes that woman in the fake 100 bill looks!

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  5. OMG I laughed so hard cordial came out of my nose! I love the devil woman one - I picked that up as soon as I saw the first image but your close-up just had me in fits of laughter!

    Good to see you back. :)

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  6. Nice one, Petstarr.

    Don't know about you, but I thought there was a passing resemblance between Flanelette Shirt Bloke and THIS guy...

    http://images.tvnz.co.nz/tvnz_images/news/australia/david_hicks_288.jpg

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  7. whilst reading this, I suffered a blodclot to my brain and died..

    thanks petstarr, you've done it again! (and yes, I appreciate the irony of saying "again" to a fatality by bloodclot)

    to think anyone would get THIS angry over junk mail? :)

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  8. Thanks for all the love and the welcoming back guys! It makes a girl feel *sniff sniff* LOVED.

    YOU LIKE ME, YOU REALLY LIKE ME!

    PS: Spoz, I ain't angry! Just bemused.

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  9. I just wish that whomever chose the title for the flannel shirt ad had stretched themselves to give the lonely 'of' its supposed right to a Capital.
    If yer gonna schtuff up grammar why not go the whole banana...
    Good to have you back... no doubt that limo trip to The Star helped you get back in da groove for '08 (nice fb pix)
    x

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  10. I love the fact that you suggest the private school shall remain nameless, but then in the photograph you've just left the eye-catching Saint Ignatius College logo in the picture. It's just like the summer news bulletins that blatantly show the faces of people charged with offences that are yet to front court! Must be one of those summer rules - the channel censors, legal consultants and savvy editorial types are all on yachting holidays with their children High, Oscar and Max to be in the studio worrying about such inferior dramas.

    PS Redcap, my word verification was Maauo. That's the sound a commie cat makes.

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  11. Oh for Pete's sake... I tried to change that image but looks like the old untouched version uploaded instead. Bugger.

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  12. I must get me some of those trendy table tongs to use while wearing my multicoloured flannelette shirt.

    Why does Adelaide have the best junk mail! We get nothing like this in Melbourne

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  13. I laughed so hard, glad you are back! I'm glad the serving tongs are suitable for use at a table... I wonder if that includes an operating table? Because I have a doctor friend who has been trying to figure out how to make his heart surgeries more trendy, and these tongs could just be the way.

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  14. hahaha. the hundred dollar lady is telling me to kill... kill...

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  15. You have the most random junk mail I've ever seen, it's like you've got a sign on your letter box that says "Only Ricky Jervais approved advertising material please". I wonder if the Bhaktiari (sic) kids go to that un-named school?

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  16. That stuff is truly scary. Not sure if I like the private school prison or the My Chemist Bad Santa (or Chivalrous Santa with Naughty Ladies)the best.

    I wondered why I'd never noticed these ... then realised, yes, these are Oddelaide-only junk mail flyers. Will have to keep an eye on mum's letterbox next time I'm in town!

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