But never fear! Your always thrifty PetStarr has skimmed the fat from the catalogue stock over the last few weeks and now I bring you: Junk Mail Round Up Volume 4 - the collectors' edition.
Starting with THE GENERAL TRADER catalogue:
Is YOUR crockery clever?
The crockery so clever, it has an IQ test result of 140. "How is it clever?" I hear you ask. Well, see, because it's painted, it LOOKS full all the time - even when it's empty. It's genius! Can't wait to see what your chicken vindaloo looks like when it's served in that marshmallow bowl, though.
Yo, bitch, check my ice.
I can just see the poor bastard made to write the blurbs for these items.
JADED EX JOURNALIST: Bob, do we really HAVE to write some crap for EVERY one of these things?
BOB: Orders from head office. It makes the catalogue feel more like a magazine, apparently.
JEJ: Well what the fuck am I supposed to write about an ice cube tray?
BOB: Make up some crap about ice looking like diamonds. Isn't that what the kids are calling it now anyway?
JEJ: I suppose it's better than making a drug reference.
It's so EASY!
Ooh, an apple peeling machine! It makes peeling apples as easy as pie!
Am I the only one who thinks this looks REALLY FUCKING DIFFICULT? HOW is this contraption in any way easier than just peeling the apple with a normal peeler? Actually though, when you think about it, they're not really even lying - pie is pretty hard.
Moving on to a random flyer:
Only 1001? Have they actually calculated that?
Labels SO AMAZING that even David Beckham, Lizzie McGuire and Johnny Depp use them to label their lunchboxes for school recess. Lizzie's not even REAL, so that PROVES how amazing they are. And sure, Johnny can't spell his own name correctly, but he scores an extra point for opting for the skull and crossbones clipart - very topical.
And on to Cheap as Chips:
And finally - I don't know what year the people at Cheap as Chips think it is, but I'm pretty sure I haven't seen a dollar like this since about, ooh, 1984?!
100% guaranteed fatal.
Either they're implying that their merchandise is stuck in the 80s, or that they've fixed the flux capacitor on their Delorean and they're not afraid to use it.
Either way, I'm excited.