Episode five starts with Angry Jane expressing how scared she was at the prospect of almost being eliminated last week with all the enthusiasm of a fembot stuck on 'bored' mode. We get to relive Paloma's hysteria at losing best-friend-forever-that-no-one-even-knew-about Steph F, as she once again turns on the waterworks in a Razzie worthy performance.
"She just hugged me and said 'I love you SOY much' and then she looked at me...and said...*sniff sniff*...'I know you can win this....you can do it'....and then...*sob sob*...SHE LEFT. I wanna win now...*sniff sniff*...just cos she wants me to."
FINALLY, someone has given Paloma a reason to win. Remember this fine quote from episode one: "I think I can win Australia's Next Top Model. It's just a case of whether or not I WANT to." WELL NOW SHE WANTS TO. She's only been hanging around this long because she can't be bothered packing up her stuff.
Speaking of FINALLY - FINALLY sexy Andreas the sith-ifrican-slash-swidish fitness trainer makes a welcome return, although not for the girls who he forces to run to the gym and work out.
"I hate running," bleats Steph H.
"I have never, ever in my life been on an exercise team."
Guess what honey - you're only 16. Wait 10 years and see how your never-ever-been-on-an-exercise-team arse looks then. Strangely enough though, it's Jordan who is the complete fitness loser of the group, coughing and spluttering her way up the hill and moaning about death, which she apparently considers imminent whenever her heart starts beating:
""Well I already have like, a HUGE fear of death, so whenever my hearts starts to beat fast I'm like 'Oh my god, I'm dying'. So imagine that amplified by like, 3000."
Jordan, it's called A PULSE. It's normal. We all have one. Except maybe Alice.
Speaking of Alice, she's teamed up with Sophie in the gym to "work on their strength". Not a bad idea, seeing as Alice probably has to call in reinforcements to help pour milk on her cereal in the morning.
"I probably could have done more work when trying to do the crunches but yeah, I'm not very good at them," she says as she collapses after doing three.
All round it's a pathetic effort from all the models, who have the combined fitness levels of a geriatric chronic fatigue sufferer with a punctured lung. Except for Anika, who once again shows how completely awesome she is by rocking the workout - crunches, boxing, jogging, cycling, the woman's a machine. A sexy machine. Like an iBook.
Angry Jane is weighed again to see if she's increased her practically anorexic BMI of 15.6, and it's revealed she's stacked on four kilos. Go Jane! The path to normality is long, and filled with Big Macs and fried chicken. You go, girl. Next up is Alice, whose previous BMI was a ridiculous 15.3. She says she's convinced she's put on weight recently because some of her jeans don't fit any more. Andreas reveals she has put on weight - 100 grams, to be exact.
HOW FREAKING TIGHT ARE HER JEANS?
A Jodhi Mail arrives to the usual underwhelmed reception, and after last week's 90s pop references we've moved back in time to the 70s, with a quote from Pink Floyd that none of the girls understands: "We don't need no education." But apparently they do, as they're all packed off to meet Identity Dawson for a bit of Janice Dickinson style segment rip-offage.
Dawson tells all the models they're going to learn the difference between editorial and commercial modelling, and promises it'll be fun, which means it probably won't be. But seriously, do they need to spend an entire workshop on this? Commercial - smile; editorial - don't smile. Commercial - look pretty; editorial - look ugly. That's it, isn't it?
Dawson introduces "Katie", who doesn't appear to have a second name and who explains how the models are going to learn the difference between editorial and commercial modelling. Again. Anyone else want to come on and say it? I'm not sure we've all got it yet.
Katie goes on to explain in superb detail just how different the two genres can be:
"You might go and shoot something for Vogue, wearing an AMAZING Gucci dress. Then you might shoot something for Marie Claire, so you might be wearing a beautiful tight Morissey outfit. You might be selling Tim Tams, so you'll have the box of Tim Tams, put one in your mouth, mmm."
Don't stop there, let's go through EVERY possible scenario, Katie. They might have to shoot something for a yoghurt company and wear a bikini made out of bananas. They might go and shoot something for Australian Wood Review and have to wear a dress made out of MDF and pose with a lathe. The possibilities are endless! Surely they should be taking notes, just in case any of these situations ever come up.
"Hi, model? It's Marie Claire, we'd like to book you for a shoot."
"Great! Is it a beautiful tight Morissey outfit?"
"No, actually, it's an AMAZING Gucci dress."
"Shit - I can only do that if it's in Vogue. How about some Tim Tams?"
The models are then each given a fake editorial and commerical assignment, which they have to develop a pose for. In amongst the faux clients are Max Mara, Alex Perry, Perrier and Spray and Wipe. Jordan hits the jackpot by having to create a model look for Scholl's Wart Remover. And she thought jogging to the gym was hard.
Alice has to create a look for Fresh Look contact lenses. Fresh Look? She should be able to pull that off, no problem.
The dangers of a vegetarian diet.
As it turns out, she doesn't. She's pretty crap. In fact all of the models do a pretty crap job in this exercise, particularly Sophie who for some reason has to hold her head in her hands while jumping around the room singing Elvis Presley's Hound Dog. This is never explained. I'd like to think it wasn't even PART of the assignment, but that she just lost her shit for a while there.
"I didn't realise I could act," she gushes afterwards.
THAT'S acting? Someone tell Judi Dench, she's been usurped.
Angry Jane further incurs the wrath of the judges by landing the Alex Perry assignment and then complaining that she has no idea about his work.
"Some sort of dress?" she blurts.
Still, it's better than the horrific pose she strikes for Perrier:
So many lines, so little time...
Personally, I like Dawson's version better:
A tattoo! I'm starting to like this woman.
Jordan's wart remover act is forgettable (hey, it was a hard gig, what are you gonna do?), but it was fortunate that she wasn't given the contact lens job as I've finally realised - the girl has no eyes.
Squinty McSquinterson, I presume.
Back at model mansion the girls get another Jodhi Mail (does that woman ever have time to do anything else?) telling them to get up at 6am the next day, dressed "New York style". I hope and pray that someone will dress as the Statue of Liberty or the Chrysler building. Jordan could come as Ground Zero.
As it turns out they all have pretty crazy ideas of what New York style is (Anika obviously read the J Mail wrong and reverts to her suburban dag style), but the most bizarre of all is Alice, who dresses like a 1970s mum in SERIOUSLY high-waisted denim flares and a headscarf.
The zipper on those jeans = the true definition of "Superfly".
Now we know why 100 grams made such a difference fitting into those babies. Any minute we expect her to break out the tambourine and start singing Joni Mitchell but alas, any chance of that happening is dashed as stern-faced Jod-hello launches into one of her "this week has been ALL ABOUT" lectures.
"This week has been all about learning the difference between editorial and commercial modelling," she says.
Oh fuck, REALLY? Thanks for pointing that out for the 115th time this episode, Jodhi. WE WERE A BIT UNSURE THERE BUT YOU'VE SET US STRAIGHT, THANKS.
She tells the girls they're going to audition for a role in an TV ad for Impulse's new perfume, New York Sass. Better than New York Ass, I suppose, which mightn't smell quite as fresh. The winner of this challenge will not only get to be in the ad, but will GET PAID. It's not specified, but I think we can all assume the winner will get paid IN IMPULSE.
"It's about 'New York Sass', so it's got to be FLIRTY and FUN," barks Jod-hello as she hands out the script.
"Think about New York and what that city means to you."
I think most of these girls would have a hard time just locating New York on a map, let alone expressing what the city MEANS to them in a 30 second commercial, but hey. Almost without exception, the girls do an ATROCIOUS job of the casting, which basically involves them standing in front of the camera, looking cute, and saying something along the lines of:
"Today I'm getting me some Impulse New York City Sass. I'll show the world I'm up for anything - break all the rules, live for the moment. And like the great city itself - I'll stay up all night."
It's a DIRE script, but we're not talking Chanel No 5 here. Let's face it, teenage girls only buy Impulse to spray on their school uniform so their parents don't know they've been smoking at the bus stop.
Impulse casting in a nutshell: Paloma takes the American theme a bit too far and puts on a quasi-Texan accent that makes me want to shout "Yeeeee HAW!" after every line; Alice does an impression of the least sassy woman ever, stuffing up her lines and saying "Can I start again?" about six times before leaving the room, and everyone in it realising that she will never EVER work on television; Sophie manages to deliver the line "I'm up for anything" without ripping her top off and showing her boobs; Danika (like her father, I've just discovered it's actually spelled Danica, but I'm sticking with it) reads like a high school debater delivering her rebuttal for the affirmative in the argument of "Impulse is awesome"; Jordan is so nervous she develops a heat rash but turns out to be the only model with any real sass, and does a near perfect delivery.
Jordan wins, and does a weird monologue about her troubled life that has never been mentioned before - couch surfing, living at friend's houses and not going to school. Is she homeless? And if so, why didn't she win last week's "Street Creature" walk off challenge? Anyway it's an emotional moment, and I'm proud to say Jordan is now topping my Favoutite Model list - Anika got bumped into second place after reverting to her old daggy clothes and stuffing up her lines.
Psycho Paloma also makes a welcome return this episode (YAY!), as she vents her fury on the phone to her mum after not winning the Impulse challenge.
PALOMA: "They gave it to Jordan because she hasn't won anything yet."
MUM: "I was gonna say that."
PALOMA: "That gave me the shits. We are so pissed off now."
Good one, mum. Really teaching your daughter some good values there. Clearly the only way someone could beat precious Paloma and her Texas-sass-accent is for the competition to be rigged. All of this intelligent musing is interspersed with clips of Paloma and Steph H, who clearly is more of a little tart than anyone thought, bitching the arse out of Jordan with phrases like "I love Jordan, she's one of my best friends, and I don't have ANYTHING against her, and she's such a good friend to me, but this whole situation was rigged."
In a distinct lack of karma, all this bitching is rewarded at Jordan's Impulse filming, when it's announced that Paloma will get to star in Impulse's print campaign AND get paid for it. Jordan sums it up nicely:
"The truth of the matter is, I really don't give a shit. That's what she was whingeing about the whole time because she didn't get it, and she thought she deserved it, well there you go, she's got it, so she can shut up now."
Amen to that.
It quickly becomes obvious that Impulse's New York Sass is aimed squarely at the hooker market, as Jordan makes her paid television debut looking like this:
"Spray it on your New York Ass."
Back at model mansion, and the bitching continues. Although exactly who is saying what is unclear, thanks to the unfailingly high standards of Australian TV editing. There's a random collection of clips of various girls bitching and making accusations, but christ knows who started it or what they're on about as the entire segment has obviously been cobbled together by the work experience kid and edited with an axe. Best to just tune out and let the phrases "I hate conflict" and "This is bullshit" and "You're one of my best friends in the house but..." wash over you.
It all culminates in a fiery Paloma v. Jordan confrontation, in which Jordan serves Paloma a nice, hot dish of "Fuck You" and Paloma retaliates by force feeding Jordan some Guilt Pie. Somehow this seems to work, and Jordan ends up apologising to Paloma, for...well, no one knows. Not even Jordan.
"What I've realised about Paloma is that she's really the biggest manipulator I've ever met. Now I realise - what a bitch. Like, far out. So then I was the one apologising to her instead of her apologising to me, which is really fucking stupid."
Adulthood brings some unpleasant realisations, eh, Jordan? Somehow Paloma's Vice Bitch Steph H gets off scott free from all of this.
Next it's another Jodhi Mail and an invite to another photo shoot, which turns out to be the most boring photo shoot of all time. It's for Ford, and I'm momentarily excited at the idea of the girls having to wear a car (or at least a hubcap bikini) but no - they just have to stand in front of it. Or near it. In some cases the car doesn't even seem to be in the shot, so christ knows what's going on.
Ford shoot in a nutshell: Jordan poses in a Hunter S Thompson style green visor while a Festiva threatens to run her over; Pease blows sunshine up Steph H's skirt all through the shoot and then bags her out as unimpressive once she's gone (THAT would be karma right there); Alice looks drab in front of a broken down house and once again everyone thinks she's God and Pease describes her shoot as "Little House on the Prairie, with crack", completely stuffing up the obvious joke of "Little Crack House on the Prairie"; Jane resorts to continually massaging her face to stop herself frowning (why don't you just try LIGHTENING THE FUCK UP?); Paloma turns on the sex, as does Sophie who tries to shag the photographer's assistant; Paloma and Jane kiss for no discernible reason and Danika does her best Vicki-Pollard-meets-The-Ring impression while clutching a wire fence.
So hot right now.
Pease conducts a bitch intervention with the models to get to the bottom of the "this competition is rigged" rumour that's been going around. Yeah come on, as if - if it were rigged Alice would have been given a Gucci contract a month ago and saved us all the time and effort. Quick thinking Paloma tells Pease the only reason that rumour had gone around was because that's what the Impulse people had told her. Riiiight. Of course, being a lass with integrity she's not about to reveal her sources, so we never do find out the mysterious Impulse employee who started that rumour. My guess is she's about 5'11 with dark hair and an evil glint in her eye.
Quite clearly Paloma is a big fat (possibly size 16) psycho bitch again - HOORAY! And double hooray, because all of this leads to the BEST ANTM QUOTE SEQUENCE EVER:
PALOMA: "Hey Jordan guess what? You just lost me as a friend."
JORDAN: "Fuck that bitch. Game on, moll."
As Texas-sass Paloma would say: "YEEEEE-HAW!!"
And so, with spurs on and whip in hand, it's off to elimination, where Jod-hello reminds us that this week, the models learned the difference between editorial and commercial modelling.
Deep breaths, deep breaths, happy place, deep breaths.
For some reason the guest judge this week is a puppy. No, it's Ian Thorpe. Hang on, it's Ian Thorpe WITH a puppy.
Which is which?
For their final challenge the girls are told to pose with the puppy, called Jaffa. Given that almost anything they do with the dog draws gasps of "That's SO CUTE! Oh that's CUTE! How CUTE!" from the judges, I begin to think this daschund has a better chance than any of them of being Australia's Next Top Model.
Sensing evil in the room, Jaffa bites Paloma and runs away, while Dawson continues to develop her range of impressions by doing one of a woman slowly losing her mind:
So hot right now.
Judging in a nutshell: Dawson and Jod-hello disagree over just how bad Sophie's photo actually is; Alex Perry cryptically describes Jane's shot as being like a bad German catalogue; Anika somehow manages to cover up her enormous breasts long enough to look like a man; Thorpey tells Alice she doesn't know how beautiful she is - awww, it's a lightbult moment; Dawson, Perry and that other guy everyone's forgotten argue about whether Alice is any good, and Thorpey says his "biggest concern" is wheter she can get through an entire day of work. No one asks him why he's even concerned at all, given he's only been on the show for about five minutes. He then waxes lyrical about Anika being wholesome and trying to be "something that she's not" in her photo. Where is he getting this information from? Is he a closet ANTM watcher? IS IAN THORPE IN THE CLOSET? Dawson declares Jane "Hid-E-ous in every aspect"; Perry says Sophie looks common and is unphotogenic (thank GOD for a bit of rational thinking around here!); Dawson labels Danika's effort "a dog's breakfast", at which point Jaff pricks up her ears and comes running; and everyone seems to go into hysterics when Alex Perry uses the word "expensive".
Ok, so it was a big nutshell. So what? Brazil nuts are huge.
Ultimately it comes down to Alice (shock horror!) and Angry Jane, and given that they can't eliminate God, Jane gets the boot - and smiles, for the first time this series. Then with a final one-finger salute to the models, she swaggers out the door.