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Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Australia's Next Top Model Wrap Up: Episode Five

As promised, a double wrap up for y'all! It's an ANTM weekend, woo - my favourite kind! If you missed episode four's rundown which I posted yesterday, check it here.

Episode five starts with Angry Jane expressing how scared she was at the prospect of almost being eliminated last week with all the enthusiasm of a fembot stuck on 'bored' mode. We get to relive Paloma's hysteria at losing best-friend-forever-that-no-one-even-knew-about Steph F, as she once again turns on the waterworks in a Razzie worthy performance.

"She just hugged me and said 'I love you SOY much' and then she looked at me...and said...*sniff sniff*...'I know you can win this....you can do it'....and then...*sob sob*...SHE LEFT. I wanna win now...*sniff sniff*...just cos she wants me to."


FINALLY, someone has given Paloma a reason to win. Remember this fine quote from episode one: "I think I can win Australia's Next Top Model. It's just a case of whether or not I WANT to." WELL NOW SHE WANTS TO. She's only been hanging around this long because she can't be bothered packing up her stuff.

Speaking of FINALLY - FINALLY sexy Andreas the sith-ifrican-slash-swidish fitness trainer makes a welcome return, although not for the girls who he forces to run to the gym and work out.

"I hate running," bleats Steph H.
"I have never, ever in my life been on an exercise team."

Guess what honey - you're only 16. Wait 10 years and see how your never-ever-been-on-an-exercise-team arse looks then. Strangely enough though, it's Jordan who is the complete fitness loser of the group, coughing and spluttering her way up the hill and moaning about death, which she apparently considers imminent whenever her heart starts beating:

""Well I already have like, a HUGE fear of death, so whenever my hearts starts to beat fast I'm like 'Oh my god, I'm dying'. So imagine that amplified by like, 3000."


Jordan, it's called A PULSE. It's normal. We all have one. Except maybe Alice.

Speaking of Alice, she's teamed up with Sophie in the gym to "work on their strength". Not a bad idea, seeing as Alice probably has to call in reinforcements to help pour milk on her cereal in the morning.

"I probably could have done more work when trying to do the crunches but yeah, I'm not very good at them," she says as she collapses after doing three.

All round it's a pathetic effort from all the models, who have the combined fitness levels of a geriatric chronic fatigue sufferer with a punctured lung. Except for Anika, who once again shows how completely awesome she is by rocking the workout - crunches, boxing, jogging, cycling, the woman's a machine. A sexy machine. Like an iBook.

Angry Jane is weighed again to see if she's increased her practically anorexic BMI of 15.6, and it's revealed she's stacked on four kilos. Go Jane! The path to normality is long, and filled with Big Macs and fried chicken. You go, girl. Next up is Alice, whose previous BMI was a ridiculous 15.3. She says she's convinced she's put on weight recently because some of her jeans don't fit any more. Andreas reveals she has put on weight - 100 grams, to be exact.

HOW FREAKING TIGHT ARE HER JEANS?

A Jodhi Mail arrives to the usual underwhelmed reception, and after last week's 90s pop references we've moved back in time to the 70s, with a quote from Pink Floyd that none of the girls understands: "We don't need no education." But apparently they do, as they're all packed off to meet Identity Dawson for a bit of Janice Dickinson style segment rip-offage.

Dawson tells all the models they're going to learn the difference between editorial and commercial modelling, and promises it'll be fun, which means it probably won't be. But seriously, do they need to spend an entire workshop on this? Commercial - smile; editorial - don't smile. Commercial - look pretty; editorial - look ugly. That's it, isn't it?

Dawson introduces "Katie", who doesn't appear to have a second name and who explains how the models are going to learn the difference between editorial and commercial modelling. Again. Anyone else want to come on and say it? I'm not sure we've all got it yet.

Katie goes on to explain in superb detail just how different the two genres can be:

"You might go and shoot something for Vogue, wearing an AMAZING Gucci dress. Then you might shoot something for Marie Claire, so you might be wearing a beautiful tight Morissey outfit. You might be selling Tim Tams, so you'll have the box of Tim Tams, put one in your mouth, mmm."


Don't stop there, let's go through EVERY possible scenario, Katie. They might have to shoot something for a yoghurt company and wear a bikini made out of bananas. They might go and shoot something for Australian Wood Review and have to wear a dress made out of MDF and pose with a lathe. The possibilities are endless! Surely they should be taking notes, just in case any of these situations ever come up.

*RING RING*

"Hi, model? It's Marie Claire, we'd like to book you for a shoot."

"Great! Is it a beautiful tight Morissey outfit?"

"No, actually, it's an AMAZING Gucci dress."

"Shit - I can only do that if it's in Vogue. How about some Tim Tams?"


The models are then each given a fake editorial and commerical assignment, which they have to develop a pose for. In amongst the faux clients are Max Mara, Alex Perry, Perrier and Spray and Wipe. Jordan hits the jackpot by having to create a model look for Scholl's Wart Remover. And she thought jogging to the gym was hard.

Alice has to create a look for Fresh Look contact lenses. Fresh Look? She should be able to pull that off, no problem.


The dangers of a vegetarian diet.


As it turns out, she doesn't. She's pretty crap. In fact all of the models do a pretty crap job in this exercise, particularly Sophie who for some reason has to hold her head in her hands while jumping around the room singing Elvis Presley's Hound Dog. This is never explained. I'd like to think it wasn't even PART of the assignment, but that she just lost her shit for a while there.

"I didn't realise I could act," she gushes afterwards.

THAT'S acting? Someone tell Judi Dench, she's been usurped.

Angry Jane further incurs the wrath of the judges by landing the Alex Perry assignment and then complaining that she has no idea about his work.

"Some sort of dress?" she blurts.

Still, it's better than the horrific pose she strikes for Perrier:


So many lines, so little time...


Personally, I like Dawson's version better:


A tattoo! I'm starting to like this woman.


Jordan's wart remover act is forgettable (hey, it was a hard gig, what are you gonna do?), but it was fortunate that she wasn't given the contact lens job as I've finally realised - the girl has no eyes.


Squinty McSquinterson, I presume.


Back at model mansion the girls get another Jodhi Mail (does that woman ever have time to do anything else?) telling them to get up at 6am the next day, dressed "New York style". I hope and pray that someone will dress as the Statue of Liberty or the Chrysler building. Jordan could come as Ground Zero.

As it turns out they all have pretty crazy ideas of what New York style is (Anika obviously read the J Mail wrong and reverts to her suburban dag style), but the most bizarre of all is Alice, who dresses like a 1970s mum in SERIOUSLY high-waisted denim flares and a headscarf.


The zipper on those jeans = the true definition of "Superfly".


Now we know why 100 grams made such a difference fitting into those babies. Any minute we expect her to break out the tambourine and start singing Joni Mitchell but alas, any chance of that happening is dashed as stern-faced Jod-hello launches into one of her "this week has been ALL ABOUT" lectures.

"This week has been all about learning the difference between editorial and commercial modelling," she says.

Oh fuck, REALLY? Thanks for pointing that out for the 115th time this episode, Jodhi. WE WERE A BIT UNSURE THERE BUT YOU'VE SET US STRAIGHT, THANKS.

She tells the girls they're going to audition for a role in an TV ad for Impulse's new perfume, New York Sass. Better than New York Ass, I suppose, which mightn't smell quite as fresh. The winner of this challenge will not only get to be in the ad, but will GET PAID. It's not specified, but I think we can all assume the winner will get paid IN IMPULSE.

"It's about 'New York Sass', so it's got to be FLIRTY and FUN," barks Jod-hello as she hands out the script.
"Think about New York and what that city means to you."

I think most of these girls would have a hard time just locating New York on a map, let alone expressing what the city MEANS to them in a 30 second commercial, but hey. Almost without exception, the girls do an ATROCIOUS job of the casting, which basically involves them standing in front of the camera, looking cute, and saying something along the lines of:

"Today I'm getting me some Impulse New York City Sass. I'll show the world I'm up for anything - break all the rules, live for the moment. And like the great city itself - I'll stay up all night."


It's a DIRE script, but we're not talking Chanel No 5 here. Let's face it, teenage girls only buy Impulse to spray on their school uniform so their parents don't know they've been smoking at the bus stop.

Impulse casting in a nutshell: Paloma takes the American theme a bit too far and puts on a quasi-Texan accent that makes me want to shout "Yeeeee HAW!" after every line; Alice does an impression of the least sassy woman ever, stuffing up her lines and saying "Can I start again?" about six times before leaving the room, and everyone in it realising that she will never EVER work on television; Sophie manages to deliver the line "I'm up for anything" without ripping her top off and showing her boobs; Danika (like her father, I've just discovered it's actually spelled Danica, but I'm sticking with it) reads like a high school debater delivering her rebuttal for the affirmative in the argument of "Impulse is awesome"; Jordan is so nervous she develops a heat rash but turns out to be the only model with any real sass, and does a near perfect delivery.

Jordan wins, and does a weird monologue about her troubled life that has never been mentioned before - couch surfing, living at friend's houses and not going to school. Is she homeless? And if so, why didn't she win last week's "Street Creature" walk off challenge? Anyway it's an emotional moment, and I'm proud to say Jordan is now topping my Favoutite Model list - Anika got bumped into second place after reverting to her old daggy clothes and stuffing up her lines.

Psycho Paloma also makes a welcome return this episode (YAY!), as she vents her fury on the phone to her mum after not winning the Impulse challenge.

PALOMA: "They gave it to Jordan because she hasn't won anything yet."

MUM: "I was gonna say that."

PALOMA: "That gave me the shits. We are so pissed off now."

MUM: "Mmm."


Good one, mum. Really teaching your daughter some good values there. Clearly the only way someone could beat precious Paloma and her Texas-sass-accent is for the competition to be rigged. All of this intelligent musing is interspersed with clips of Paloma and Steph H, who clearly is more of a little tart than anyone thought, bitching the arse out of Jordan with phrases like "I love Jordan, she's one of my best friends, and I don't have ANYTHING against her, and she's such a good friend to me, but this whole situation was rigged."

In a distinct lack of karma, all this bitching is rewarded at Jordan's Impulse filming, when it's announced that Paloma will get to star in Impulse's print campaign AND get paid for it. Jordan sums it up nicely:

"The truth of the matter is, I really don't give a shit. That's what she was whingeing about the whole time because she didn't get it, and she thought she deserved it, well there you go, she's got it, so she can shut up now."


Amen to that.

It quickly becomes obvious that Impulse's New York Sass is aimed squarely at the hooker market, as Jordan makes her paid television debut looking like this:


"Spray it on your New York Ass."


Back at model mansion, and the bitching continues. Although exactly who is saying what is unclear, thanks to the unfailingly high standards of Australian TV editing. There's a random collection of clips of various girls bitching and making accusations, but christ knows who started it or what they're on about as the entire segment has obviously been cobbled together by the work experience kid and edited with an axe. Best to just tune out and let the phrases "I hate conflict" and "This is bullshit" and "You're one of my best friends in the house but..." wash over you.

It all culminates in a fiery Paloma v. Jordan confrontation, in which Jordan serves Paloma a nice, hot dish of "Fuck You" and Paloma retaliates by force feeding Jordan some Guilt Pie. Somehow this seems to work, and Jordan ends up apologising to Paloma, for...well, no one knows. Not even Jordan.

"What I've realised about Paloma is that she's really the biggest manipulator I've ever met. Now I realise - what a bitch. Like, far out. So then I was the one apologising to her instead of her apologising to me, which is really fucking stupid."


Adulthood brings some unpleasant realisations, eh, Jordan? Somehow Paloma's Vice Bitch Steph H gets off scott free from all of this.

Next it's another Jodhi Mail and an invite to another photo shoot, which turns out to be the most boring photo shoot of all time. It's for Ford, and I'm momentarily excited at the idea of the girls having to wear a car (or at least a hubcap bikini) but no - they just have to stand in front of it. Or near it. In some cases the car doesn't even seem to be in the shot, so christ knows what's going on.

Ford shoot in a nutshell: Jordan poses in a Hunter S Thompson style green visor while a Festiva threatens to run her over; Pease blows sunshine up Steph H's skirt all through the shoot and then bags her out as unimpressive once she's gone (THAT would be karma right there); Alice looks drab in front of a broken down house and once again everyone thinks she's God and Pease describes her shoot as "Little House on the Prairie, with crack", completely stuffing up the obvious joke of "Little Crack House on the Prairie"; Jane resorts to continually massaging her face to stop herself frowning (why don't you just try LIGHTENING THE FUCK UP?); Paloma turns on the sex, as does Sophie who tries to shag the photographer's assistant; Paloma and Jane kiss for no discernible reason and Danika does her best Vicki-Pollard-meets-The-Ring impression while clutching a wire fence.


So hot right now.


Pease conducts a bitch intervention with the models to get to the bottom of the "this competition is rigged" rumour that's been going around. Yeah come on, as if - if it were rigged Alice would have been given a Gucci contract a month ago and saved us all the time and effort. Quick thinking Paloma tells Pease the only reason that rumour had gone around was because that's what the Impulse people had told her. Riiiight. Of course, being a lass with integrity she's not about to reveal her sources, so we never do find out the mysterious Impulse employee who started that rumour. My guess is she's about 5'11 with dark hair and an evil glint in her eye.

Quite clearly Paloma is a big fat (possibly size 16) psycho bitch again - HOORAY! And double hooray, because all of this leads to the BEST ANTM QUOTE SEQUENCE EVER:

PALOMA: "Hey Jordan guess what? You just lost me as a friend."

JORDAN: "Fuck that bitch. Game on, moll."


As Texas-sass Paloma would say: "YEEEEE-HAW!!"

And so, with spurs on and whip in hand, it's off to elimination, where Jod-hello reminds us that this week, the models learned the difference between editorial and commercial modelling.

Deep breaths, deep breaths, happy place, deep breaths.

For some reason the guest judge this week is a puppy. No, it's Ian Thorpe. Hang on, it's Ian Thorpe WITH a puppy.


Which is which?


For their final challenge the girls are told to pose with the puppy, called Jaffa. Given that almost anything they do with the dog draws gasps of "That's SO CUTE! Oh that's CUTE! How CUTE!" from the judges, I begin to think this daschund has a better chance than any of them of being Australia's Next Top Model.


ANTM doggystyle.


Sensing evil in the room, Jaffa bites Paloma and runs away, while Dawson continues to develop her range of impressions by doing one of a woman slowly losing her mind:


So hot right now.


Judging in a nutshell: Dawson and Jod-hello disagree over just how bad Sophie's photo actually is; Alex Perry cryptically describes Jane's shot as being like a bad German catalogue; Anika somehow manages to cover up her enormous breasts long enough to look like a man; Thorpey tells Alice she doesn't know how beautiful she is - awww, it's a lightbult moment; Dawson, Perry and that other guy everyone's forgotten argue about whether Alice is any good, and Thorpey says his "biggest concern" is wheter she can get through an entire day of work. No one asks him why he's even concerned at all, given he's only been on the show for about five minutes. He then waxes lyrical about Anika being wholesome and trying to be "something that she's not" in her photo. Where is he getting this information from? Is he a closet ANTM watcher? IS IAN THORPE IN THE CLOSET? Dawson declares Jane "Hid-E-ous in every aspect"; Perry says Sophie looks common and is unphotogenic (thank GOD for a bit of rational thinking around here!); Dawson labels Danika's effort "a dog's breakfast", at which point Jaff pricks up her ears and comes running; and everyone seems to go into hysterics when Alex Perry uses the word "expensive".

Ok, so it was a big nutshell. So what? Brazil nuts are huge.

Ultimately it comes down to Alice (shock horror!) and Angry Jane, and given that they can't eliminate God, Jane gets the boot - and smiles, for the first time this series. Then with a final one-finger salute to the models, she swaggers out the door.

Australia's Next Top AWESOME WEBSITE

Just cruising the ANTM website watching videos of the remaining contestants (you know, I have a feeling that some of them really aren't as annoying as they seem on the show...) and discovered the greatest section ever that all of you must visit now: DAWSON'S CRITEEK.

Yes, I know it's a bad play on Dawson's Creek but persevere, because this part of the website is pure gold. Basically, model hopefuls can send in their best photos and Dawson CRITEEKS them with such helpful phrases as "Oh dear - this look says promo girl, Miss Indy and bikini comp" and "Can we see something slightly less gummy in the grin department?", gives them a rating out of 10, and then puts it all on the web for all to see.

IT IS BRILLIANT, and I want everyone to submit their own photo today. I'm going to send in this one:


Too commercial. 2/10


I might as well also point out that ALL the judging photos of the girls are available for viewing in the site's download section, which is fab considering they hardly even bother showing them on the show itself. Seriously, what are they thinking? The photos are the best bit of the show, and often we don't get more than a two second flash. Anyway - go look. It's fun. The one of Sophie from the last Ford shoot is particularly awful.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Australia's Next Top Model Wrap Up: S3 E4

"Give in to the moment... I FEEE-EEEL THE CHAY-AAAYYYYYYYNGE..."

As the strains of whatever the hell song that is fill the air, and images of girls we'll never hear from again are flashed up on the screen (hello Cobi, Cassandra, Kara) we're back (albeit several days late) at the start of another action-packed episode of ANTM. GAME ON! Or whatever stupid phrase they're using this year.

The girls have all been told to wear their "best dress" and gather in a movie theatre somewhere on the Fox Studios backlot. Jod-hello has clearly not got the dress memo, as she rocks up in a wine coloured toga style gown (ew, soooo 90s) that makes her look like an extra from the Athens Olympics bid performance.

"I've brought you here because I want you to experience some of the hottest models in the world," she says.

They're going to "experience" some hot models? Just as we're all pondering exactly what KIND of theatre this is, Jod-hello ruins the fantasies of teenage boys everywhere by announcing they'll be watching videos of models STRUTTING on the catwalk. Ahhhh. THAT kind of experience.

Luckily, smart Sophie explains the situation again for anyone who's still confused.

"I think Jodhi took us to the cinema to give us all a big smack in the face," she says.

Again - exactly WHAT theatre is this? Never mind, the videos have started, and all the girls watch random excerpts of Fashion TV while nodding and furrowing their brows to look like they're really FEELING it. Despite having a face like a fish, Danika proclaims that she can definitely see herself on the international runway, no problems at all, cos she has an amazing walk and runway is her THING, man.



So is looking like a fish.


Speaking of looking like things, I'm finally beginning to see the Rex-icelli / Gwyneth Paltrow thing now.


Not married to Chris Martin. Yet.


Jod-hello gives the usual wank about runway being hard work and how difficult it is to walk and breathe at the same time, and sends them off to see a "catwalk coach" called Mink.

They arrive in a studio that is doing a very good impression of a firetrap, with red velvet on the walls and candles and incense burning in every available corner. It looks like an S&M parlour, and we soon discover why: Put a whip in her hand and handcuffs in the other, and Mink could be Madame Lash.


Oh, sorry hon - did I get you blinking? Let's try another one...



Whoops! Not your lucky day, is it, pet?


"Hello LADIES," she says, while simultaneously raising an eyebrow and looking down her nose at everyone.

"She's definitely attractive," says Paloma, in that slightly retarded five-year-old voice she's developed lately.
"For someone who's 30, she's amazing."

"You're gunna get up on this runway and you're gunna blow me away," Mink rasps.
"You've got 10 seconds to show me what you've got - if you don't have it, don't bother getting up."

Surprisingly, all the models actually DO get up (I think Fishika could have stayed seated, personally) and begin to strut their stuff. Mink's job as "catwalk coach" seems to be to stand at the end of the runway and bark abuse at them, which she does.

"Don't clomp. NEXT! You look really bored, darl. You look dead in the face. NEXT! Like a pony! Windmill arms! Don't stomp, I HATE that. You look vacuous. You look dead. NEXT!"

The abuse session over, the girls slump, defeated, on the studio floor while Mink continues to berate them for not delivering the goods on the catwalk.

"I'm going to introduce you to someone who OWNS the catwalk," she spits.

Oh no, the owner? Will she be pissed off about the scratch marks? But no, it turns out Mink was just being creatively FIERCE with language, as out comes supermodel LAUREN G!

Come on everyone - LAUREN G! Lauren G? Anyone?

Well anyway, apparently "G" has "one of the best walks in the industry" (you think YOU can walk from A to B - watch THIS chick), which she demonstrates to the girls. Actually, she demonstrates a whole variety of walks, including "The Naomi Campbell" (in which you knock someone unconscious with a mobile phone half way down the runway), "The Heidi Klum" (in which you marry an ugly 90s pop star half way down the runway) and "The Pony" (in which you take a crap half way down the runway).

All the while, Mink continues to bark on about how difficult it is to master walking up and down a long plank.

"Some designers will say 'I want smiles', some will say 'I don't want you to smile', some will say 'I want you to pout', some will say 'I don't', so you need to change your WALK in accordance to what the designer wants to project," screams Mink.

Not sure how you're getting YOUR walk to pout and smile Mink, but perhaps we don't want to know. Pease appears and announces a Zoolander style catwalk-off, in which the models must adopt two distinct "walks" - "sexy gypsy"...


Roger that.


... and "street creature".


Got it.


Catwalk off in a nutshell: Anika draws gasps of admiration from the judges; Paloma nails the street creature thing by looking drunk and/or stoned and confused; Alice is criticised for having her legs too far apart. Insert humourous line here. Sophie is ranked at the bottom of the pile, Danika at the top. Paloma is pissed off, Danika feels justified in continuing to crow about how catwalk is "her thing".

Pease whips out a Jodhi Mail which this week are obviously going to be pop music-themed, as this one is headed by a quote from Madonna - "What are you looking at?" It's a quote that could just as easily have been attributed to the drunk bloke at the local after closing time last night, but Madonna it is. The mail announces the girls will be heading to the QVB for a real, live catwalk challenge in front of a real, live audience. Woo! It's a slight step up from Westfield, anyway.

Back stage at the QVB ANTM official acronym catwalk, everyone is getting their hair and makeup done next to a sign that reads "Every woman in the room wants to be you, and every man wants to be with you!" It's clearly supposed to be inspirational, but taking a look at the blokes on offer outside I'd say it's more demotivational:



In case you haven't already guessed, it's the least glamorous catwalk ever, surrounded on both sides by schoolgirls and old people who've taken time out from shopping for new slippers to enjoy a nice sit down and maybe get their face on telly. The girls have to cope with remembering how to walk IN TWO DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS (while breathing), and some have problems - Steph H stumbles off the end and has to get back on, Steph F swings her head around like she's watching the tennis and Jordan's shoe comes off. Alice "tries to think neutral thoughts" but says she can't because her hair is too tight. Anika's bazoingas take centre stage again, thanks to another unflattering dress, and starts to rival Rexi-celli for resembling Gwyneth Paltrow:


Admittedly, one's pregnant here...


Paloma is distracted by some schoolgirls in the front row, as she explains:

"I heard some schoolgirls saying really rude things to us, and I think they were jealous cos they were obviously probably the fat ones that didn't get in."

Well said. Have a random Steph H picture to celebrate:


WOO!


It's time for the judging, and Danika continues to blather on about how good her walk is, despite all video evidence to the contrary: "Everyone else knows it, this is my time to shine, this is my thingy," she says. Yes, she says thingy.

Pease, Identity Dawson and Jod-hello read out the prizes, which includes an invite to the David Jones fashion launch (yawwwwn, says PetStarr, who already gets to go to them), an Alex Perry frock and some pearl earrings.

Oh, and a new pair of Jimmy Choo shoes. To Keep.

"SHUT UP!" yells Jod-hello, in a lame attempt to appear sisterly and cool by using a "youthful" expression she picked up from reruns of Friends on Arena.

Everyone's a bit taken aback, especially considering no one was actually saying anything at the time she told them to shut up.

"How good is that?" she continues, and everyone realises they're supposed to agree, so they do.

Despite walking like Frankenstein (and looking a bit like him too), Alice wins the challenge. No one knows why. The emotional guitar music kicks in as Danika does an impression of a whingey, whiny sore loser brat.


"BUT IT WAS MY THINGY!!"


"Being in her position, it would be quite a heartbreaking thing," giggles Paloma, clearly not giving a shit.

Pease tells the losers they have to walk from Oxford St to Circular Quay and... Sorry, I'm a bit distracted. Is it just me, or is Pease starting to look a bit...hot?


So when do we get to see HIS thingy?


Anyway, the losers walk from somewhere to somewhere, the winners (Rex-icelli and Steph F) go to David Jones and meet celebrities like Sarah O'Hare (score two for the Murdochs) and Megan Gale.

"I know it sounds cliched, but up close, she glowed," says Alice.


One of these women doesn't own any fake tan.


SHE glowed? Alice is so freaking luminous you could use her for a bedside lamp, for god's sake.

Back at the model mansion and the girls have been sent presents from home. Paloma gets a Family Guy board game, which makes me like her just that little bit more. Damn you Paloma, turning all normal and fun on us like that! Alice gets tupperware filled with cashews and apricots and actually looks happy about it. Danika gets a letter from her parents in which her dad spells her name wrong. Seriously.

The emotional guitar music kicks in again, and we head to the phone room with Jane, where she's crying to her mum.

"There's no one to hug here," she cries.

"Oh sweetie, just imagine. Close your eyes and think about hopping into bed with me and snuggling in..." says mum.

Um - what now? To quote Ferris Bueller's Day Off: "So THAT'S how it is in their family."

There's another Jodhi Mail, this time with a quote from Britney Spears - "Oops, I did it again" - making me think the girls might be forced to do an upskirt video shoot for Joe Francis' Girls Gone Wild.

But no, they're all packed off to a nightclub for another catwalk session - only this time they'll be shot when they get to the end. Mink offers to take care of it with her semi-automatic, but is disappointed when they tell her they meant a PHOTO shoot.

Alice complains that her hair is making her sick, which makes me wonder if she's gotten a weave of Paloma's devil offcuts from episode three, but apparently it's the high ponytail that's hurting her.

"It's pulling REALLY really badly and it's causing a lot of discomfort," she moans, for about the 50th time this episode.

"It was putting all this pressure on this really unusual part of my head, and the pain started to make me feel nauseous."

Everyone starts to consider putting pressure on another unusual part of her - say her mouth, with a pillow.

The audience starts to file in and Pease constructs a sentence using the phrases "fashion elite", "make or break your career" and "time to shine". And then it's GAME ON. Again.

Aside from all the blah-blahing about Rexi-celli looking so New York/Paris/Milan/Gucci/whatever, it's pretty dull. ALthough clearly the Franciscan monk look is back in this season, if Steph F's hair is anything to go by:


Nice.


When it's over, the girls are given ONE pair of 10.5cm heels to take home and practice walking in. That'll be useful. Then Jordan has a birthday, turns 18 and moves into the "over 18s" pad. Hoorah.

The final Jodhi Mail arrives, completing the pop quote triptych with a line from Destiny's Child - "Say my name, say my name". Ohhh that's SO clever! See what they did there? Because it's elimination, and you want Jodhi to SAY YOUR NAME so you don't get eliminated? Genius.

Elimination in a nutshell: Shoe designer Terry Biviano is guest judge, and all the girls are forced to walk around in their 10.5cm heels (which, FYI, isn't actually that fucking hard). Danika somehow makes Biviano feel "car sick"; Steph F falls over about five times; Angry Jane walks like a drunk Frankenrobot, and Identity Dawson declares Jordan "a bit g-g-g-g-g-GANGSTA!" No one has any idea what she means, but she continues to show off her dazzling range of impressions by doing Batman's The Joker for us all:


J-J-J-J-J-JOKER!


As for the photos, they're all pretty boring (think the type of catwalk shots you see in newspapers and magazines - it's about the clothes, not the models). Identity criticises Rex-icelli for still looking too thin, and she protests "But I've been trying so hard!" Yeah - what about all those cashews she ate yesterday? Lay off, Dawson. Steph H looks fabulous, Angry Jane looks angry, Sophie loses her waist and Paloma has a hair-tastrophe:


See, that trend really IS catching on.


The judges sort through the photos, putting Anika, Steph H and Rexi-celli in the top three, and Steph F, Jane and Danika in the bottom three. Identity Dawson gets one last bizarre comment in before the segment ends by yelling "Jordan's not that unextraordinary!"

The deal is done: Steph F is booted out, and Angry Jane lives to be mad at another day. For some reason Paloma is in absolute hysterics at Steph leaving, despite there being no evidence of any friendship between them prior to this. Good one, ANTM editors. And look, it's another Gwyneth reference!


"I'd like to thank the Academy..."


And with that, the episode ends and there's nothing more to say.

Except maybe this:


Bye!

---

Go back to EPISODE THREE... or go on to EPISODE FIVE...

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Wait for it...

Just a note to say DON'T PANIC! The next ANTM wrap up will be posted in the next few days. It would already be up but for the fact that I've been out having a life.

And as a special treat for y'all (and by way of apology for tardiness) I'll be doing a DOUBLE wrap up. That's right, TWO ANTM wrap ups AT ONCE.

"But that means I'll get to read about episode 5 before it's even screened on telly..." I hear you whimper.

THAT'S RIGHT, BEEYATCHES. Enjoy it while it lasts.

In the meantime, here's a picture of one of the girls that DIDN'T make the show. Enjoy.


Aloha oyyyyy, Aloha oyyyy...

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Australia's Next Top Model Wrap Up: S3 E3

I feel I must preface this week’s wrap up with a warning: We might be losing our precious Paloma. Yes, our little girl might be slipping away…. More on that later. I’m just warning you in advance, so you won’t be too shocked later on.

So, we kick off this week's episode, as always, with a flashback to last week's elimination, in which bushie baker Cassandra was sent back to boganville while Queen Paloma settled in for a nice nap on her laurels. But not before making sure everyone knows SHE knows she's awesome.

"I knew that I was staying, and if I wasn't then this obviously would be a competition I wouldn't want to be in," she says.

This philosophy is in keeping with Paloma's habit of only entering competitions she is guaranteed to win, such as “Biggest Bitch 2005" and the "Most Striking Likeness to a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel Award".

But enough musing on the past, let's get into it: It's morning, and Jod-hello and Pease Porridge have rocked up at model mansion at 8.12am, which obviously in model land is the equivalent of 3am as all the girls stagger out of bed looking like extras from Dawn of the Dead.

Jod-hello barks that being a model is "all about being a model 24-7!" and my heart leaps at the thought of Pease springing a photo shoot on them RIGHT NOW in their K mart pyjamas with drool on their faces. But alas, no. Instead, this meddling duo demands to inspect all their toe and fingernails, tut-tutting at any bitten nails or dodgy polish. Jod-g'day almost has a fit when she sees a bruise on Angry Jane's big toe.

"You know what you'd have to do? You'd have to go get an acrylic toenail, AS A MODEL," she frets.

"If you were modelling a hot pair of Manolo Blahniks, it's like, so disrespectful to Manolo not to have a pedicure."

Paloma smirks and for once, I agree with her. Jod-hello then takes off her shoes to give everyone a good old look at her PERFECT FEET. The models are suitably unexcited. Who can blame them?

And suddenly it's the moment we've all been waiting for - Pease Porridge announces they're all off to the (ad) GHD SALON (/ad), meaning TEARS, PANIC ATTACKS AND SHOCKING NEW HAIRCUTS ARE IMMINENT. WOO!

First cab off the rank is Sophie; Pease asks her to describe her look.

"Um, natural?" she says.

"Yeah, we'd like to take you further towards Elle McPherson," says Pease.

So, a 40-something has-been, then? Great. Much better than just boring old "natural".

Pease announces Angry Jane is going to get a Sarah O'Hare style pixie-cut, and no one knows what he means considering she doesn't HAVE a pixie cut. But hey, score one for the Murdochs.

Next up is Danika, who is to be Nicky Hilton.

"Alriiiight..." she says.

"Does that scare you?" asks Pease excitedly.

"No...." she says.

Scared? More like confused. What kind of celebrity do is that? Who the fuck knows what Nicky Hilton looks like? Who cares?

Pease then announces Alice is to be Gwyneth Paltrow-ish, Steph F is to become Cameron Diaz, Kara will be Jennifer Aniston, Jordan will become Gisele Bundchen... It becomes quite obvious at about this time that Pease is just picking random celebrities with vaguely the same hair as the models already have. The hairdresser offers to do Pease's like one of the members of Franz Ferdinand, but then realises that's already been taken care of.



Celebrity do? Check.


Clearly NO ONE will get a radical haircut this season.

But then along comes Anika (my favourite model with the E cup bazoingas) and Pease tells her she's in for "a really drastic change". WOO! What will it be? A buzz cut? An afro? Tattooed-on hair in a houndstooth pattern?

"It's going red," says Pease.

Red? Wow. How exciting. Yawn.

But don't fret, gentle reader, there's always Paloma. Surely we'll get some panic attack action with this one.

"We need to pull back the curtain Paloma is hiding behind," says Pease.

Her face drains as he thrusts a magazine into her face - on the cover is a girl with the kind of hairdo that makes people say "G'day mate, how can I help you tod…oh, sorry MISS...how embarrassing."

We immediately cut to Paloma on the street, freaking out, stream-of-consciousness style:
"THEY'RE CUTTING THE WHOLE THING it's gonna be like THIS I'm gonna have no hair they showed me a picture and oh my gooooood no I knew they were going to do that leave me to last and then do the most drastic thing to me!"

Yeah, we all knew too, MATE.

Surprisingly though, Miss P doesn’t cry ONCE, OR throw a hissy when the big snip snips go cutty-cut. In fact, she’s more normal and likeable than ever. WHAT’S GOING ON HERE? IS OUR LITTLE GIRL GROWING UP? Where the hell’s Jordan? We need some crazy up in here.

Instead we cut (har har, I am so punny) to Alice-rexia who is frustrated that her “Gwyneth Paltrow” look isn’t giving her “a drastic change”. Um, Alice? Want a drastic change? EAT DINNER.

Pease asks her what she’d rather have, and Alice shrugs.

“Just something differenter,” she mews. Then cries at her appalling lack of basic English.

As a side note – Alice-rexia does tend to whine. A LOT. Her face is permanently like this:




Still, if you subsisted on oxygen and the occasional Vita Weat you’d probably be pissed off too.

Cut to Paloma, whose new hair is HOT HOT HOT. Smoking hot in fact. It’s a funky, shagged-up short do, and she looks awesome. Damn that scrag, I’m starting to like her. She spends the next few hours tossing her head and smiling at herself in the mirror. Yes, smiling. No, I didn’t think it was possible either.

“They cut off all my hair and I feel like all my baggage and all my shit is gone,” she squeals.

Good god – I pity the poor leukaemia kiddie that gets Paloma’s offcuts. They’ll need years of therapy after donning that psycho wig.

Despite her whingeing, Alice-rexia looks quite lovely with her new copper tresses. It’s nothing like Gwyneth Paltrow, but then again, she did want something “more differenter” so that’s ok. Anika’s dye job isn’t nearly as good – she looks like a rebellious teenager who's spent her last $5 on a box of Napro Livecolour and dyed her hair in the school toilets. Clearly Angry Jane joined her, as she’s sporting an atrocious mahogany coloured 80s crew cut straight from Top Gun. Which obviously now makes her GI Jane. Vive les new nicknames! Meanwhile, Pease knows he actually has the best hairdo.



Oh yeah.


After all of this hair fun, Sophie (the one who likes to get her tits out at eliminations to remind the judges that she’s edgy and bohemian) confesses that she’s “kinda getting over Steph H”, because she’s an “attention seeking cocky little snotty … I dunno.” Clearly the models have been studying their dictionaries lately - the vocabulary featured this week has been nothing short of impressive.

This is followed by a bitch session in the car in which Sophie, GI Jane and various others whinge about having to compete with “the underagers” who are SO IMMATURE OMG WTF!!1oneoneeleven11!

“If only they could just be, I dunno, more differenter,” says Alice-rexia.

Back at model mansion there’s another J-Mail waiting for them, and obviously Jod-hello is up to ‘L’ in her Big Book of Quotes, as this time there’s a random quote about beauty from Martin Luther. As per last week’s wrap up, I’d like to offer an alternative Martin Luther quote I’d rather she’d have used:
“Be thou comforted, little dog, Thou too in Resurrection shall have a little golden tail.”

Anyway, the models are scurried off to Napoleon Perdis’ makeup salon for their “style challenge”, which is ironic because many of them are rather style challenged already. THEY ALL WIN! Actually no, Napoleon wins:



This man is an authority on beauty.


Napoleon tells the models that makeup is all about “telling a story”, before systematically shooting down each of the girls’ own efforts, including the memorable line “Steph, that’s too much eyeliner. If you turned up like that I’d think ‘she’s some Bulgarian yodeller trying too hard’.”

Everyone resists the urge to tell Napoleon he looks like some Bulgarian weightlifter trying too hard.

However, none of this puts GI Jane off, who blurts out “I LOVE Napoleon. I would MARRY him he’s so farken funny.” Everyone resists the urge to tell her…. Oh never mind.

Then it’s time for the STYLE CHALLENGE in which the models each have 15 minutes to grab clothes and do their hair and makeup before being judged by Pease, the resident style guru.

“Everyone was just rush, rush, rush, and it was really hard to remember things while everyone was running around,” whinges Sophie.

Clothes, hair makeup. I can see how that would have been difficult to remember.

While Anika decides to bring her girls along to judging in an unfortunately low cut dress…



Yep, they’re E cups alright.


Steph H completely freaks out and tries on every piece of clothing in the room, ultimately leaving herself 90 clear seconds to do her hair and makeup. Who needs makeup? It’s not as though Napoleon Perdis is going to judge you on how you applied it or anything. Oh, hang on…

Alice-rexia comes out in the usual boho-vintage lace number she wears all the time and puts on her whingey face again when the judges criticise her for not trying something new.

“I was very happy with my look,” she says.
“It was very me. That might have been part of the problem.”

Sigh. Sometimes I don’t even have to make this shit up.

GI Jane looks awesome in opaque stockings and a kicky little spotted dress, which she is obviously proud of.

“I felt like I looked like the biggest wank stain, but I thought that was probably the look that Jonathon wanted me to go for," she enthuses.

Seriously, I don’t even have to try anymore.

Paloma has come up with a bizarre look of cowboy boots and white overalls over a black t shirt.

“There’s a story there, I get it, I want to know more,” gushes Pease.

Clearly the story is about a nomadic cowgirl housepainter who roams from town to town, offering her services to those in need. It would be called Paloma, Get Your Paintbrush.

Pease decries Steph H’s makeup-less fashion statement as making her look like “the town virgin”. She cries. Sophie the bitch gloats. So does GI Jane.

“It was cool to see her fuck up today,” she says, sympathetically.

Paloma and GI Jane are declared the winners, and their prize is to attend a red carpet event at some “infamous celebrity hang out” that no one’s ever heard of. This requires them to go shopping for some swishy new dresses, which Jane is clearly unimpressed by.



”My little brother and I need to buy some formal attire, can you help?”.


Paloma turns the cute up to 11 and gushes about getting to “brush shoulders” with A listers at the event. I am disturbed at how normal she’s being. WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO HER?

Meanwhile the “losers” back at model mansion are told they have to help cater the event, and are given a swag of slutty ye-olde-wild-west prostitute costumes to wear. So – they get to strut around in underwear and have first access to the food and drink? I think I know who’s going to have more fun at this shindig.

The venue, called Ruby Rabbit, is ultra classy – it looks like a dressed up Hog’s Breath CafĂ© with underwear hanging from the ceiling. The models rock up and the lone, Foxtel-paid paparazzo starts flashing his camera to make them feel important.

“It made me feel famous,” gushes Paloma.
“I mean, I’m famous in Newcastle, but that doesn’t matter.”

Was that a cute, self-deprecating joke? Jesus – someone stop this woman, we’re losing her altogether!

Jordan squeals about all the celebrities she got to meet, including Miss Australia, “some surf guy” and OMG! JONATHON PEASE!!11!

“We were introduced to sooooo many people,” she says.
“I got to meet Krystle off Big Brother with big tits”.

She ACTUALLY says this. COME ON ANTM producers, you’re making this too easy...

Speaking of like, um, like, um, Krystle - it would appear from this shot in ANTM that she may have stacked it on a little since leaving the BB house. Scuse me for feeling smug about that.



And is that a NIPPLE?


Back at model mansion and there’s another love letter from Jod-hello instructing them to get to some random photo studio for another shoot. This time the girls are to do a beauty shot, which usually means they get to wear not much makeup and stare dreamily into the camera.

“I’m not sure if they want us to be happy…or sad…they mentioned dreamy so I’ll have to work with that,” ponders Alice-rexia.

Or whingey. You could try whingey.

“I’ve seen a lot of personalities in Jane over the weeks – who will we get today?” asks Pease of GI Jane.

“Who would you like?” she responds.

“The lady,” he says, flatly.

She is crushed that he didn’t request the knife-wielding psycho killer she’s been practising lately. She does some typically angry shots for the camera, but then Pease tells her to “visualise a crush she has back home” to soften her face a bit. He positively explodes with delight at the resulting “softness” she evokes.



One is angry, one is soft. Spot the difference.


Beauty shoot in a nutshell: Alice-rexia looks lovely; Steph F looks angry but cute (prompting Paloma to run over afterwards squealing “You looked soooo good!” – WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO OUR PALOMA?); Paloma SMILES for the camera (even Pease looks confused); Jordan gives up her iced coffee for blueberries and stains her teeth and lips purple, prompting Pease to have a total breakdown and Jordan to shout out the best ANTM quote so far: “FUCKING BLUEBERRIES!”; Kara is boring and Pease shows off his comedy skills by quipping “The next time I go to New York, I’m actually not going to take sleeping pills – I’m going to take Kara, COS I RECKON I’D GET A FULL NIGHT’S SLEEP!” Zing!



Seriously, I don't know what's gotten into her...


And then it’s time to head to the elimination warehouse, where old models are crushed up in machines and manufactured into boxes, sort of like that shredder in Mannequin.

And because we haven’t had enough CHALLENGES this week, it’s time for ANOTHER CHALLENGE, which this time involves telling Napoleon Perdis how his makeup makes you feel.

“Significantly poorer,” would have been an apt response, I feel, but alas, all the models go for trite little taglines about feeling like a woman and being beautiful yada yada yada.

Except for GI Jane, who gets straight to the point with “I fucken love Napoleon Perdis cosmetics.” The judges laugh uproariously. Napoleon proposes.

The second greatest ANTM quote is born in this segment too, when boring Kara’s attempt at appearing funny and flirty falls horribly flat.

“Napoleon Perdis makes me feel like a real model, even when I’m in my trackies,” she giggles, a lame comment that is accompanied by complete silence and a few tumbleweeds rolling through the studio.

“You know, you’ve got great legs,” says Napoleon.

Zing!

Paloma gets a temporary pass back on the crazy train and does a little dance, singing about how Napoleon makes her “fee-ee-eel beee-ayyy-oooo-tiful!”

“WHO THE HELL ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH PALOMA?” shrieks Identity Dawson.

A very good question. But an even better one would be WHO THE HELL ARE YOU? I’m thinking David Bowie, this week.



She’s taking those eyebrows for granted.


And actually, she does a striking impression of Danika:



Well, DUH.


The judges deliberate over the photos, which are by and large pretty awful – Paloma looks bung-eyed, Steph F looks angry and confused, Jane looks like a dead fish, Danika looks like a deader fish, and Jordan looks like Paris Hilton and Steven Tyler’s love child. They make a decision, and Mr Perry’s not happy – why, are they voting HIM off? COULD THEY?

Alas, no, it’s goodbye to boring Kara, although it’s not clear whether she’s aware, as she grins inanely while Jordan cries. Again.



So, who's going this week exactly?

---

Go back to EPISODE TWO... or go on to EPISODE FOUR...

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

An open letter to the Council

Dear Smug Council governing the area in which I live,

Given that there are presently two goons spraying paint at a volume louder than paint spraying needs to be on the street outside my house right now, you obviously think it's acceptable to schedule a spot of road maintenance at 11.30pm on a Tuesday.

From behind your desk in your probably overly long council meeting with your cup of instant coffee and nanna biscuit (possibly an orange cream), this probably seemed like a good idea - no traffic to worry about, for one thing.

From my bed at the front of my house on a stiflingly hot night with the window open four metres away from aforementioned goons and extremely loud whirring, buzzing and chugging engines and various bits of machinery, not to mention flashing orange lights of such eye-melting intensity they can probably be seen from space, I can assure you IT IS NOT.

Just to make it clear: MIDNIGHT ON A TUESDAY IS A REALLY DUMB TIME TO SCHEDULE ROADWORKS ON A SUBURBAN STREET.

I hope someone pisses in your Maxwell House and farts on your biscuits.

Regards,
PetStarr

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Australia's Next Top Model Wrap Up: S3 E2

As the dust settles on Jaimi's SHOCK DEPARTURE from episode one and Cobi's SHOCK ELIMINATION (well, it wasn't THAT shocking, she DID look like something off The Muppet Show) it's time for another hour of ANTM magic, which this week is kicked off by a Paloma moment - a "Paloment", as I like to call it.
"If she did get eliminated and like, Cassandra and like, Sophie were still here I would have been so, so angry. Cassandra is just wrong altogether."

Um, newsflash Paloma - she DID get eliminated, and like, Cassandra and like, Sophie ARE still there. So does that mean you're like, so, so angry?

We meet Jaimi Mark II, who calls herself Kara. She's 19, comes from NSW and, like Paloma, has a masterful command of the English language.

"Walking in there was like, hell scary," she says.

Paloma offers her opinion on the matter, even though no one asked.

"The new girl seems like, nice and stuff, but she's got waaaaaay too much supehhdechjjje," she garbles, leaving everyone confused as to what Kara supposedly has way too much of. Human kindness? Oxygen in her lungs? Rational thought processes?

"It will be interesting to see who she gets along with."

No prizes for guessing who she WON'T get along with.

Back at the massive model mansion Dagika has taken it upon herself to clean up the massive model mess that's swamping the kitchen. For some reason Cassandra's been on the piss, and Jordan disgustedly labels her "an alcoholic". Cassandra pours herself another vodka.

"I've been drinking all day!" she yells.

Jordan takes some more crazy pills and launches into a rant about accidentally leaving her milo on the bench due to some sort of anxiety attack. Anxiety attacks are the new black in model mansion, with at least one of the girls having one every few hours. Talking in a taxi, milo, dropping toast buttered-side down on the floor - anything can set these fragile princesses off.

"There's no way in fucking hell you'd have a panic attack over milo," slurs Cassandra, before she vomits up her last 10 vodka shots, falls over and passes out next to the dishwasher.

"Ooooh she's a bit Lindsay LO-Han!" shrieks Identity from the judges' batcave.

It's the morning after, and Jod-hello has rocked up to have a little chat with the girls.

"We're here to talk about your bodies," she says, seriously.

Alice looks undead. I mean uneasy.

"There's models that make entire careers out of having a fantastic body," Jod-g'day continues.

YOU'RE FUCKING KIDDING ME. REALLY? Hard to believe, I know, but Jod-hello assures us it's true, citing Heidi Klum and Elle McPherson as examples. I Googled both of those women and you know what - she's right, they DO seem to make money off having good bodies. Not just a pretty face, our Jodhi.

She introduces Andreas, the girls' new personal trainer who conveniently used to be a model and so is a bit on the cute side. All the girls go gooey for his Ken Doll looks. Danika melts for his "Swedish" accent, which actually is South African. Good one Danika.

"Ok gulls, wir going to chuck your haht ind your wit," he says, worrying several of the girls who don't have any wit at all.

But of course he meant WEIGHT, so all the girls stand on the scales (not together, obviously)(although if they had they might have come up with a figure closer to a normal human weight reading) and get measured up to determine their BMI. Alice has to wait for a bit while the producers source some precision laboratory scales that can weigh her in grams. It is then determined that she has a BMI of 15.3 which, according to this BMI calculator, is totally fine - FOR A THREE YEAR OLD CHILD.

Not surprisingly she has the lowest BMI of all the models, and is presented with a meat tray by Jodhi and Jonathon Pease. Angry Jane gets even angrier that she just missed out with a BMI of 15.6.

"I farken wanted those rissoles," she snarls.

Then Andreas announces he's going to whip them all into shape, and whisks them off to the park for a bit of a run around. Angry Jane is the first to come out with the typical "I eat shit food and don't exercise" model cliche, proving once and for all that she is a complete genetic freak of nature.

"I haven't exercised in like, two years. The most I do is walk from the couch to the fridge."

OH JANE - YOUR FAVOURITE FOOD IS MCDONALDS AND YOU NEVER EXERCISE, YOU ARE SO AWESOME. Yawn.

Andreas tells all the girls to open their packages and get out their strap ons. Pardon? Ohhh a strap on HEART MONITOR, right. Thought for a minute there it was going to get exciting.

Andreas tells them to strap their monitors to their chests. Just in case they've forgotten what a chest is, he helpfully takes off his shirt to remind them.



Helpful, verrrry helpful.


Two minutes of jogging around later and OOPS! Panic attack! Good thing too, it was getting overdue. For the second time this episode it's Jordan, who is gradually turning out to be wackier than Paloma.

And for the second Aphex Twin Come to Daddy reference in as many weeks, I give you Jordan:


Tell me you see it too.


Anika the Dag is the only one of the models with an ounce of fitness, and happily jogs around with sexy Andreas while the other girls sprawl under a tree, panting and wheezing like a bunch of pensioners. I hereby declare Anika my favourite model.

Next the models are shuffled off to a yoga studio, which they wrongly assume will mean an hour of relaxing meditation for them. They're actually there for a bit of Bikram, otherwise known as "pulling ridiculous poses covered in sweat in a bloody hot room".

"OH MY GOD IT SMELLS," scowls Paloma in her usual polite, well-mannered way.


THIS one's going in the portfolio.


Presumably the producers thought that getting a bunch of models to perspire together would make for some sexy television. They were wrong.


Hip bones you can slice cheese on.


Back at the mansion there's a Jodhi Mail waiting for them, which for some reason contains a quote by Frank Zappa.

"Beauty knows no pain, so what you crying about girl?" it says.

I would have preferred this one:
"I have a message to deliver to the cute people of the world - if you're cute, or maybe you're beautiful, there's more of us ugly motherfuckers out there than you are, so watch out."

But oh well.

The girls then discover a bikini waxer in their loungeroom, who promises to give them all Brazilians. Predictably enough all the girls mince about as if this is the SCARIEST THING THEY'VE EVER HAD TO DO OMG WTF!!11!ONEONEELEVEN and we are treated to a good 5 minutes of footage of screwed up faces and squeals, not to mention this classy shot.


The definition of "too much information".


Then it's time to head off to this week's challenge, and DING! DING! DING! Time for a panic attack! This time it's taken care of by Paloma, who is refusing to get out of bed because someone told someone else a secret and they didn't tell her. Or something. She's crying, anyway, but that's practically a given. Hurrah, another Paloment!

"WHY IS EVERYONE ANGRY AT ME? I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG!" she screams through her tears as everyone wonders what the hell is going on exactly.

After regaining her composure, Paloma sums up the situation nicely: "I have a bad way of coping with things." Nicely said.

As a result of all this helpful self-analysis all the models are two hours late to the challenge, which doesn't really seem to bother anyone. Perhaps because the challenge is a totally concocted bit of toss in a Foxtel backlot somewhere for some fashion label no one's ever heard of that only Foxtel staff have been invited to. Perhaps.

Actually I'm wrong, it's a totally concocted bit of toss for a LINGERIE label no one's ever heard of. The label's spokesperson reveals the HIGHLY ORIGINAL plan to get the girls to strike poses on podiums "like pieces of art" while party guests mill around them. How very America's Next Top Model cycle ALL.

As the girls get lingeried, haired and make-upped, Pease Porridge pulls Cassandra the Bush Moll aside for a bit of a chat - apparently she's been sneaking out at night to root her boyfriend in the bushes.

"I thought a model's life was just all photos, sleeping in and partying," she says despondently.

"I've realised being a baker is so much easier."

Yeah - getting up at 3am to make dough and slaving in frnot of a hot oven for hours is way easier than getting your makeup done and standing in front of a camera for a bit before walking away with thousands of dollars. I can see why she's disappointed.

Speaking of Pease - I know I've said this before but seriousy. Franz Ferdinand.


Well do ya, do ya do ya wanna get your makeup done?



Soon they're all ready to go and the models spill out into the party to take up their positions on the podiums. They have to hold a giant picture frame and pose creatively with it. Some poses work, others don't.


Hmm.


Cassandra clearly thinks she's still in the Bikram class as she gets down on all fours, straddles the frame and sticks her leg out, causing her to sweat profusely. She sweats so much that a party guest begins fanning her with the catalogue.


WTF?


Not surprisingly, this pose is labelled "unflattering". Although not quite as unflattering as this one:


Dear God.


Sophie manages to make her brand new Brazilian more of a talking point than the lingerie, prompting Pease to label the effort "A bit disappointing."

"NOT FROM THIS ANGLE!" someone shouts off screen.

Paloma sticks a finger in her mouth and does her best men's mag impression, which earns much kudos from the judges. Paloma later gushes about how it's easy for her to hold a pose because she has good balance. It may be the only time in her life she'll be praised for being a balanced individual.

Steph H wins the challenge and scores $1000 worth of lingerie, which probably equates to half a bra. For the life of me I can't understand why Alice didn't win.


Ohhh THAT'S right.


Back to the mansion and it's time for this week's DUD BOYFRIEND CALL! This time Cassandra steps up to the plate.
Cassandra: "It came out that I sneak out and shit like that."
Boyfriend: "Roolly?"

C: "Yeah they do know that I saw you as well. And they do know we had sex."

B: "Roolly?"

C: "They were gunna kick me out."

B: "Roolly?"

Yup, roolly. Then there's another Jodhi Mail with yet another cryptic quote, this time from Hippocrates (or if you're Danika, "Hippo-krayts"), which commands the girls to cook a whole baked snapper and salad.

Danika declares the fish "feral" and then decides the fresh chives "smell like dirty socks", so clearly she's one of those girls who lives on Vegemite sandwiches and tinned spaghetti. I HATE those girls. I do not like Danika.

Anika complains that Paloma isn't joining in the fun fish-cooking party, and that all the girls are disappointed. I can understand why - it would have been the perfect opportunity to accidentally get her hair caught in the food disposal or stab her with a fish knife. Never mind.

The trademark ANTM emotional guitar music starts playing and we see Alice in her bedroom looking forlorn, so we know something along the lines of "I'm a self harmer" or "I really miss my mum" is about to transpire.

"It's really hard, coming here..." she starts, as expected, "...because I'm not used to having to cook and the other girls aren't either."

WHAT THE HELL? Not knowing how to cook does NOT require the emotional guitar music, ANTM producers! She continues:

"It's a lot easier to reach for the chocolate bars and the cake and the puddings in the fridge," she says.

DOUBLE WHAT THE HELL? Firstly - I'd be surprised if Alice has ever been within three feet of a chocolate bar in her life, and secondly - what the FUCK are chocolates, cakes and PUDDINGS doing in their bloody fridge anyway? I HATE THESE GIRLS THAT CAN EAT THIS CRAP AND STILL LOOK HOT. THEY SHOULD ALL DIE. Except Anika, she's cool.

Moving on, it's the 57th Jodhi Mail for this episode and this time she's outdone herself with a quote from Wittgenstein. Of course all the models are extremely excited at this, and launch into a lengthy discussion about transcendentality and the philosophy of mind which only ends when Paloma screams "WE CAN'T MEANINGFULLY DISCUSS THAT WHICH WE CAN'T EXPRESS!" Everyone agrees. Cassandra has another vodka.

Later, Paloma tells everyone she has depression and anxiety, so they shouldn't take it personally when she calls them a fucking size 16 derro. This basically gives her a license to be a bitch for the entire series. Excellent. Stephanie commends her for being brave and gives her a hug, prompting someone to yell out "Awwww GROUP HUG EVERYONE!"

No one joins in.

Then it's off to the shoot - a big, fat ad for Jod-hello's swimwear label Tigerlily. It's a pity, then, that Alice has dressed for a Heroin Junkies Anonymous meeting in the Alps.


Australia's Most Wanted is possibly more appropriate..


The girls pour themselves into more spandex and lycra, while Pease coos more ANTM cliches like "I think it's FIERCE". But then Jordan orders an iced coffee.

"WHO ORDERED THIS? Do you think that's a good decision before a shoot?" he barks.

"I wasn't going to eat the cream," she whimpers.

"Right, this is confiscated," he snaps and whisks the offending beverage away to pour down Alice's feeding tube.

So, the photo shoot: Anika looks hot as hell in a red gingham bikini (and believe me, that's difficult) and Jod-hello proclaims her as having "a body built for sin"; Stephanie does a shit job and has to be reshot; Steph H rocks the house and sends Joh-hello into rapture; Paloma thrashes about like she's on ecstasy; everyone else is boring.

And it's back to the mansion and YET ANOTHER JODHI MAIL, this time with a totally random quote from Matt Stone and Trey Parker that has absolutely nothing to do with South Park or ANTM and is therefore completely irrelevant. Hopefully Jod-hello's obsession with the Big Book of Quotes she got for Christmas will have worn off by the next episode and we won't have to suffer this anymore.

Paloma shows her total lack of self-awareness by saying "Everyone's hoping it will be Cassandra that leaves". Ahh, sweet, sweet denial.

In the judging room we get the usual palaver about the prizes and yada yada yada, and Identity Dawson does her best Ozzy Osbourne impression:


Spot the difference.


She busts out a bit of Sabbath on air guitar but before she gets to her finale of biting the head off a bat, it's time for YET ANOTHER GOD DAMN CHALLENGE.

Although given all the girls have to do is put on a pair of jeans and "pose" in them, it hardly seems much of a challenge at all. In fact it's utterly unexciting, until Sophie spontaneously rips her top off and shows everyone her boosies, prompting Jod-hello to strip Anika of her "every man's fantasy" title and bestow it on Le Soph.

Then it's time for the individual evaluations: Paloma gives her "depression and anxiety" song one more go for the judges, then has a cry; Anika looks awesomely awesomicious but that doesn't stop the judges criticising her hands (yeah, cos she's wearing a bikini and everyone's looking at her HANDS); Identity tells Steph her photo doesn't even look like her which is GREAT; Alice, surprisingly, looks amazing; and ultimately Identity is disappointed that none of the photos sucked.

Identity Dawson and Mr Perry have another bizarre exchange a la the first episode in which Dawson made a joke about "turkey neck" which no one got.

"I swear there's something in those eyes," Dawson says about Cassandra.
"As long as there's something in those THIGHS!" cracks Perry, and everyone laughs.

What?

And then it's time for the execution - Paloma scowls in disbelief as she is shafted to the bottom two with Cassandra, the fat size 16 derro.

"Cassandra, you're full of warmth and spunk," Jod-g'day says.

We all want her to continue "Paloma, you're full of shit" but she doesn't, instead she gives Cassandra the arse, sending the bush moll back to her Emu Creek bakery.

Time for a drink - it's what Cassandra would have wanted.

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Go back to EPISODE ONE ... or go on to EPISODE THREE...