RuPaul's Drag Race season 8 recaps

The shadiest Drag Race recaps on the web. Get ready to death drop, queens!

The Bachelorette Australia recaps

One woman, 14 desperate men, mucho LOLs. Oh, and Osher Gunsberg.

The Bachelor Australia recaps

Sequins, spray tans and sex - it's season 3 of the world's stupidest dating show.

RuPaul's Drag Race Season 7 recaps

YASS, HUNTIES! Every episode of season seven recapped for your reading pleasure. Let's get sickening!

Monday, July 30, 2007

Can't hardly wait...!


Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod!


How excited can one girl be, BC-ites?

The celebrity churning, burning, spanking behemoth known as Australian Idol is set to take over our TV screens from this weekend and once again I'll be ruining my sleep by recapping every episode for you right here in the BC. Who knows, maybe I'll start another internet war and bring the full wrath of Australia's fattest SNARKIEST nerds upon me again (and with it, the fiery sting of a thousand pageloads a day. Oooouch!)

Wanna relive last year's memories while you wait? Your wish is my command.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Worst fashion designs ever: Joining the Bratz Pack

A couple of weeks ago we had a work experience kid in the office who, when asked what she'd like to be when she left school, replied "a fashion writer, but if I can't do that, then a fashion designer".

"That's nice," we all said (while secretly thinking "Enjoy your 10 years of writing up local council meetings, cops reports and five paragraph feature stories on the new local mural and eventual spiral into depression first!").

But then, we're cynical bitches.

She then told us that her three best friends wanted to be a forensic investigator, a doctor and a model-slash-actress (always good to keep your options open). It's good to know that kids still get their career goals from TV, isn't it? If only Channel Nine's Sea Patrol was a hit, kids everywhere would be lining up to join the navy.

The point is this: Every young girl who thinks they're pretty good at picking out a nice top at Sportsgirl thinks they could be a fashion designer.

I blame celebrities. I mean, when teenage role models are getting around dressed like this:


From gofugyourself.com


who DOESN'T think they could design something better?

So when I heard that one of the most evil, childhood-corrupting creations of the western world, Bratz, was running a fashion design competition, I was ecstatic.

"Oh goody," I thought, without a hint of internal sarcasm. "This competition will surely raise the standard of young female fashion and give new empowerment to young girls everywhere."

If you're unfamiliar with Bratz dolls, they're an inexplicably popular bunch of lollipop-headed, plastic totems of female repression, and this is the sort of fashion standard they currently set for girls aged six to 12:


Putting the 'ass' in 'classy'.


Basically - if you have a head that's too big for your body, a vacant expression and dress like a hooker, give yourself a check. If you have don't have genitals, you could be a Bratz doll. Otherwise, you're Nicole Richie.

Bratz have recently launched the Passion 4 Fashion Design Awards, which gives budding fashion designers/fashion writers/forensic investigators/model-slash-actresses aged six and over the chance to get their crappy drawings displayed on the internet. And there's some sort of prize or something, I think.

It's not clear whether the winning entries will actually be made into Bratz outfits, although I'm hoping with all my heart that they will after seeing this one:


Ginger spice.


This is 18 year old Taryn's idea of a cool party outfit. Yes, 18. I thought 18 year olds only went to fancy dress parties so they could dress up as slutty nurses and French maids. Clearly Taryn stands alone in her love of baked goods.

If going to a fancy dress party as a giant piece of pastry isn't your thing, try these designs from 11 year old Chloe of NSW:


She's a brick house.


The perfect outfit for those "21st century disasters" themed fancy-dress parties, when you want to go as the twin towers. Fire, smoke and hordes of screaming people are optional extras.

She's also catered for those ever-popular "Mass comunication technology" themed parties, with this retro 1990s mobile phone design. Hot.


Ring, ring, why don't you give me a call?


Now meet 18 year old Anthony, of Melbourne:


MY EYES, MY BEAUTIFUL EYES!


I think it's safe to say that Anthony is either gay, or on acid. Or perhaps both (hey, it worked for Andy Warhol).

If that's altogether a bit too much colour, 14 year old Karla from NSW has got you covered:


I have heaps of friends on Myspace.


An edgy up-and-coming young designer, Karla creates fashion for a very select market. Namely, half woman/half panda people with no hands, hooves for feet, and incredibly low crotches:


That's low.


18 year old Tessa proves you don't have to know how to operate a scanner to enter a design competition:


Just turn your monitor upside down, stupid.


While Nicole gets to the true heart of Bratz by creating an outfit for a transexual hooker:


Spot on, Nicole!


But when it comes to designing clothes for real women, it's clear that a bit of maturity goes a long way. Meet our oldest contestant, 25 year old Stacey from NSW. Yes, 25. That's right, she's 25 and she's entering a BRATZ DOLLS DESIGN COMPETITION. Just getting that straight.

Anyway, I think you'll agree she's Australia's next big design talent:


Wow.


Not only is her work edgy, fresh and innovative (a skrit ATTACHED to pants? Insane) but the attention to detail in her designs is simply mind-boggling.


Truly a creative genius.


She continues on a similar theme here, but keeps the look fresh by replacing the red skrit with a purple skrit with lace trim.


Sassy.


Not just a one trick pony, here Stacey shows her talent for accessory designing with a radical heart shaped belt buckle. This design also shows her affinity with colour, mixing pastel orange, green and blue in a combination sure to surprise and delight.

Lastly, Stacey shows a more adventurous side with her evening wear entry:


MC Jacket - it raps around.


This wrap around jacket/no pants combination is sure to be a hit with the fashion set - celebrities such as Britney Spears and Paris Hilton have already placed orders for theirs.

Monday, July 09, 2007

Forget Nigel - Wil's the one with no friends

Whoring myself around MySpazz again and stumbled across something that has given me no end of joy: WIL ANDERSON ONLY HAS 24 FRIENDS.

24!? That's the MySpace equivalent of getting wedgies at the bus stop and spending every school recess in the library.

Loser.

For more overly critical, unconstructive and generally quite rude comments about Wil, click here.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Better in Your Memories: Gremlins.

Growing up and making that change from child to adult means a lot of things: The loss of innocence. The gaining of wisdom. Not being able to get away with falling asleep under the table at a dinner party anymore. But mostly the gaining of wisdom. Especially the wisdom to realise that the movies you loved when you were knee-high to a grasshopper are now invariably crap.

Maybe it's because I'm rapidly approaching 30 and am about to tumble headfirst into that period otherwise known as "the rest of your adult life", but lately I've had a hankering to revisit some of my childhood favourite films – the ones I used to watch over and over until the tape started crackling and you'd have to adjust the tracking and sometimes even pull the video out and flip it open and blow on it... Kids, ask your parents about this amazing time in audio visual technology, it will blow your mind.

And while some films have stood the test of time – Labyrinth, The Princess Bride, The Goonies – others have rather taken the test of time, drawn rude pictures all over it, handed it in to the teacher early and bunked off home to throw gravel at the neighbour's cat. One such movie is 1984's Gremlins.


Where were you before?


Now I know that, looking at the poster, it's hard to understand how this movie might not have weathered the decades. It just screams high production values, doesn't it? DON'T BE FOOLED.

Some of you young squibs that have grown up on Pixar and CG effects and can't remember a time when it was cheaper to use a bunch of midgets duct-taped together than it was to animate a monster at a cost of 20 bazillion dollars a second might find it amusing to know that this film involves puppets. A lot of puppets. It should therefore surprise no one to discover that Gremlins falls slightly short of realistic in the effects department.


Check my Beckham do, innit?


Not that the lack of realism is necessarily a problem - Labyrinth was practically 97% puppet and it's still one of the best films of all time. But Labyrinth wasn't trying to be a horror film (unless you count David Bowie's hairdo). Granted, Gremlins sold itself as a "horror comedy", but somehow in the 23 years since it was first released those two elements have swapped responsibilities: You find yourself laughing at the horror and utterly horrified by the pathetic comedy. This is either enjoyable or miserably childhood-memory destroying, depending on how you look at it.

For the uninitiated, the story goes something like this:

1. Teenage lad gets crazy new pet for Christmas that no one's ever seen or heard of before, and is not recognised anywhere in the history of science. No one questions this.

2. Crazy new pet (called a 'Mogwai') comes with only three explicit instructions: Don't expose it to bright light, don't get it wet and don't feed it after midnight. Coincidentally, these are the same instructions that came with Paris Hilton when she was dropped off in prison recently.

3. In a completely unsurprising plot twist, stupid teen spills a glass of water on the Mogwai and discovers it replicates itself when wet (contrary to Paris Hilton, who tends to videotape herself being replicated by others when SHE gets wet).

4. In a further unsurprising plot point, he feeds his new legion of Mogwais after midnight, accidentally mutating them all into evil Gremlins which take over the town. Unlike Paris, who has managed to take over the entire world without EVER being fed.

5. Teen lad and love interest battle the Gremlins, save the town and fall in love, while leaving room for the inevitable crappy sequel.

Reasons why Gremlins is better in your memories:

  • Unless they're by Jim Henson, puppets are shit.


  • It's slow. SO SLOW. Maybe glacial speed was necessary when you were little, but when your only storyline involves not feeding a pet after midnight and keeping it dry, WE CAN AFFORD TO MOVE A LITTLE FASTER, PEOPLE.


  • No one told the lead actors it was a comedy.


  • Are there actually any actors in it? Teen hero Zach Galligan might have had the floppy-haired, cute charm of Tom Hanks but he has about as much emotional range as a loaf of bread. Not surprising, then, that he is now a 43 year old blogger.

Reasons to resurrect Gremlins:

  • Love interest Kate's explanation of why she hates Christmas, which involves a tragic story about her father's dead body getting stuck in the chimney and smoking out the house. Originally intended as a poignant moment, it's now UTTERLY HILARIOUS and one of the best reasons to hire the film (if you must).


  • A 13 year old Corey Feldman outacting everyone in the film and generally being the most awesome kid the 80s ever saw.


  • The scene where a woman on an electric stair climber shoots out of her upstairs window (partly viewable in the trailer below).


  • This Family Guy moment: