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Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Junk mail round up Vol 5

It's taken almost six weeks of rocking back and forth in the corner of a darkened room, clutching my limited edition Matt Corby pillow (which I bought with my Matt Corby novelty dollars) and wailing "WHY MATT, WHY NOT YOOOOU?" but I'm finally feeling ready to blog again post-Idol.

And what better way to bounce back in '08 than with a good old junk mail round up?

Let's kick off with this flyer for a local private school. The school in question shall remain nameless, but it's fair to say it's the type of establishment that rich mummies and daddies send children with names like Hugh, Oscar and Max to. And it doubles as a detention centre on the weekends, evidently.


Perhaps you'd like a closer look at that?


"Mummmy let me ouuuut!!! I promise I won't eat all the truffles again!"


What better way to advertise your school than by getting your students to do an impression of the latest arrivals at Baxter? Obviously "The journey starts here" isn't just an inspirational tag line - IT'S A CHALLENGE.

Let's move on to something even more cheery, this decidedly sadistic flyer for telecommunications giant Optus.


Who do they think they are, bloody Tony Soprano? ("Hey boss, you want I should er, 'get rid' of that fluffy bunny rabbit?")

PS: THANKS FOR THE MULTIPLE CHOICE, OPTUS. Do we get a choice of weapon as well? Chainsaw? Mallet? Blender? Creeps.

You know, lately every time I fry sausages I just feel so ... I dunno, DAGGY. I just can't shake the feeling that there's a more, well, TRENDY way to do it...


HALLELUJAH!


I knew it! For just $1.50 I can get myself some TRENDY TABLE TONGS (that, strangely enough, look just like NORMAL TABLE TONGS) and start living life in the fast lane! Thanks, Cheap as Chips!

But why stop there? If I head down to GO-LO I can ramp the trendiness level up another notch by purchasing one of these spiffy shirts:


Shall we assume this is the photographer's cousin?


Look at the GREAT CHOICE OF COLOURS! There are five! And they're all vaguely the same! Why not buy the whole set and confuse your neighbours?

Now that we're rollin' like true playas with our trendy tongs and our great coloured shirts, it might be time to sell up the old pad and move into a more suitable suburb. I reckon this lady can help us out:



IF SHE'S NOT TOO BUSY BEING POSSESSED BY THE DEVIL:


I'm not responsible for any criminal acts you may commit if you stare at this too long.


Disappointingly, she has neglected to include the line "NOT REAL CURRENCY - NO MONETARY VALUE" anywhere on this flyer. I hope this means that some poor confused person thought it was a Christmas present from Aunty Flo and tried to do their shopping with it. How I would have laughed.

Speaking of Christmas presents, I do hope you chose to do your holiday shopping at Smokemart. They have such a good range to choose from, and the whole family can shop there - this little girl is trying to decide what to get her daddy:


Thoughtfully, her daddy has left a whole range of post-it note suggestions for her to choose from. What a good daddy. I wonder what she'll choose?


Hmm.


NAUGHTY STUFF or DRINKING GEAR, it's such a tough choice for an eight year old. No wonder she's having to think about it.

If only she'd gone to My Chemist instead - THEY know how to do a classy flyer.


Now, isn't this the true spirit of Christmas?


Merry new year everybody.