Sunday, February 10, 2008

Incredible Inedibles: Bourbon flavoured turdy stumps

Ah, the Japanese. When they're not jumping through holes in the wall for prizes, using strange devices to make their mouths bigger or inventing weird shit:

 
Both of these handy gadgets prevent you from becoming pregnant


they're coming up with strange and wonderful ways to reshape foodstuffs into unappetising objects.

To wit:


What is this? I'm stumped.


Humankind has already turned chocolate into rabbits, bilbies, bells, balls and Jesus, so the next logical step was obviously to mould it into the shape of a tree stump with a big turd on top.


And it's BITTER!


I think it's safe to say the only reason I actually bought this curiously inedible looking item was the promise of BOURBON advertised on the packet. If one is to eat a turdy tree stump, thought I, then hard liquor might actually be a necessity.

Sadly, after eating half the packet and not feeling even a WEE bit tipsy (if you'll pardon the pun) I realised BOURBON was, in fact, the name of the manufacturer and not an ingredient. Suddenly it all became clear - only a company named after an intoxicant would come up with a snack as mental as this. They've probably got whiskey in all the company water coolers and toilets that alternately flush scotch and gin, and the permanently drunk board of directors comes up with snack ideas like wasabi flavoured jelly beans and fritz and apricot muffins and turd-topped chocolate tree stumps.

Speaking of which: what were they like? Much better than you'd expect a bunch of drunks to make, that's for sure. Perhaps they don't allow alcohol on the factory floor. The stump is creamy and bitter (THAT part of the packet was on the money at least) and the turd is nice and crispy (it's obviously been out in the sun a while).

In short: All snack companies should provide their workers with unlimited free alcohol. And make them wear this uniform:



11 comments :

  1. creamy AND bitter? why the HELL would they make stump shaped candy bitter? oh wait.. I know why! coz everyone knows a stump ain't a stump till a dog's tagged on it.. mmmmmmHMMMMMM taste the flavour!

    once again, I'm entirely too disturbed and equally amused from reading your blog :)

    (now where's that bucket?)

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  2. spoz - better than making it woody, I guess. But perhaps I should clarify - it was creamy, bitter CHOCOLATE. You know, the yummy dark stuff. Rather impressive for a stump.

    laure - thanks!

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  3. So a little research is required here Ms P.
    A dunny roll on your head prevents pregnancy---how ?
    Is it that you look like that much of a dickhead no one will engage in a little rumpy pumpy with you or do you keep whipping it out to give it a wipe before any little swimmers get into the act.
    Now that pink thing on the pace looks like the skirt of a Kreepy Krawley pool cleaner---now those things can suck a golf ball up 50 feet of hose, so with one of those over your face, your suction increases and its all in the throat before it can go anywhere else.
    Or are there other explanations.
    RESEARCH
    I think I'll just go for the Bourbon and you can have the turds on trunks

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  4. Oh. My. God. Clyde, you have disturbed me greatly.

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  5. So tell me how either of the gadgets could help you from getting pregnant?.
    I was just reaching for an explanation

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  6. Alls I can say is feckin' christ. It's clear that in Japan, those with talent go into electronics and cars, those without, make choco tree turds.

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  7. Mmm, turdy trunks. They look really tasty in a Two Girls One Cup sort of way ~vomits~

    But what I'd really like to know is why has that chick gone to some sort of festival (Glastonbury, perhaps, from the mud?) dressed as poo. Who goes out anywhere dressed as poo?!

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  8. I love this blog.

    PetStarr - are you writing for anything/anyone else?

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  9. Why yes Alex, yes I am. Hence me having not written anything on here for a month. Jinkies! I better get back into blogging soon or I'll lose my blogging mojo altogether!

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  10. Don't keep me in suspense! Where else can I get my Blandcanyon-ish fix?!...

    ...and please don't tell me you write for Rove or Sunrise or SOMETHING ELSE EQUALLY HIDEOUS ON AUSTRALIAN FREE TO AIR TV...?

    Newspaper?

    Interweb?

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