Friday, May 09, 2008

Australia's Next Top Model Wrap Up: Episode Three

Episode three opens with all the modelettes sitting around in the living room of the model mansion doing sweet F.A. Seriously, nothing. They're not even watching television, they're just sitting there. Thank goodness Pease Porridge, Dawson and Jodhello are constantly reminding us of how hard it is to be a model, or else we might have been persuaded to believe the old myth that modelling is just about looking pretty for 20 minutes a day and doing whatever the fuck else you want for the other 23 hours and 40 minutes.

It's no wonder, then, that when someone suggests that the arrival of a boat in their own private harbour could be a Jodhi Mail they all start tearing their hair out with excitement and screaming "OH MOY GOURD!", as if someone had just told me that Jack White was lying naked in my bed complaining about my absence.

They notice "a man on the deck with a pink envelope" and run screaming to the dock, but then discover it's actually Ian Thorpe.

"I started freaking out, I couldn't believe Ian Thorpe was on a boat outside our house..." spurts Demelza.

"...with a pair of binoculars and a trenchcoat on, that was really weird," she finishes.

Thorpey is apparently now known as a "Fashion Designer/Olympian". That's right, he's a fashion designer first, gold medal winner second, which perhaps explains why his sunglasses seem surgically attached to his face this episode. He's clearly been taking lessons from Alex Perry.

"To become Australia's Next Top Model you will need a mind..." reads Alamela from the Jodhi Mail, as Demelza, Belinda, Rebecca and anyone else who didn't know who Winston Churchill was solemnly head back to the mansion to start packing their things.

"...and a body of iron will," she finishes, which causes her grammar software to crash and her display unit to start flashing "INCORRECT SENTENCE STRUCTURE, PRESS CTRL ALT DEL TO RESTART".

The Thorpinator inserts Alamela's system boot disk and puts her into hibernate mode, then tells all the girls he'll be kicking their arses in an exercise challenge, for which they'll need to bring their bathers to the beach. For some reason this last piece of information causes everyone to gasp in horror (yet ask them to parade in their underwear past a horde of cheering sailors and it's like, no problem).

"Can we sunbake?" shrieks Rebecca. There's no joke attached to that at all, I just really don't like Rebecca and feel this makes her look suitably stupid.

Which one should we kill first?

"Modelling is one of the TOUGHEST businesses around," says Jodhello who is down at the beach waiting for the models to rock up, you know, as soon as they're finished sitting around on their arses doing nothing for the day.

She then whinges about how the girls have "completely the wrong idea" about what modelling is, and think it's all about fun and glamour and parties and pretty clothes. I wonder what television show could possibly have given them that idea, Jodes. Tell you what, instead of dragging them down to the beach for a bit of sweating in the sand, why not just make them read this. That'll pull 'em into line, quick smart.

The only thing that could possibly be scarier than that article is a solidly built platinum blonde extra from Prisoner with neck veins like Hulk Hogan and a tan so deep even her kidneys have melanomas.

Oh, goody.

She used to give me roses...

"Her" name is Emma, and she's there to kick shit out of the models under the guise of it being an excercise session.

"I was so scared of her," whimpers Leiden, who has just had a glimpse at her future in 15 years time.

On the inside the roses grow...

The Emmazon forces the girls to do various pissweak exercises like swatting at punching bags and strolling up and down a 10 metre stretch of sand. The highlight of the day, however, is the swimming leg of the workout, which also appears to be fancy dress themed as Alamela has come as a chopstick in a bra...

...while Caris has come as a crazy person, saying: "I don't actually like water on my face, being splashed onto my face, unless I'm doing it myself."

I guess that explains this:

As it turns out she has nothing to worry about, as the 40 metre "swim" the Emmazon forces them to do is through ankle deep water one would struggle to drown a hamster in, and everyone's face is at least a metre and a half above the surface at all times (fortunately for Alamela, whose central processing unit needs to be kept dry at all times). Leiden chunders, a few go under, and everyone else flops about in their inappropriate string bikinis like they're stuffed with tennis balls inside wet stockings.

They finish off by pretending to be planks. You'd think Emma would have a head start in this with her sparkling personality, but actually it's Alamela who triumphs, proving once and for all that she has an iron will and abs of steel. And an aluminium chassis and titanium wheels. BEEP BEEP. Everyone coos over Alamela's ability to resemble a piece of wood while seemingly forgetting that it's actually not that hard to hold oneself up when one weighs approximately the same amount as a small piece of styrofoam.

Caris has a cry about her body (muffins are for looking at in the shop window and obssessing about, NOT wearing) and her skin (pizza is supposed to be on your boyfriend's plate while you eat a salad, NOT on your face) and Jodhello reluctantly tries to be all big sistery by barking "WHY ARE YOU CRYING, HONEY?" and "DO YOU FEEL A BIT INVALIDATED, DARLING?" Christ, I'd rather have the Emmazon yelling at me, thanks.

Caris remarks that at least her eyes are a bit brighter from all the crying she's been doing, which earns her this week's Bland Canyon Smartarse Award for Best Veiled Shakespearean Reference:

HELENA: O, I am out of breath in this fond chase!
The more my prayer, the lesser is my grace.
Happy is Hermia, wheresoe'er she lies;
For she hath blessed and attractive eyes.
How came her eyes so bright? Not with salt tears:
If so, my eyes are oftener wash'd than hers.
No, no, I am as ugly as a bear;
For beasts that meet me run away for fear.

If only Caris could deliver all of her speeches of self loathing as Shakespearean soliloquies, I'd find her less unbearable.

In keeping with the Shakespearean theme, the next segment of the show is a true tragedy that goes something like this:

ACT ONE: Demelza buys a pair of $275 shoes that would be the envy of any drag queen.

"They were expensive and I was willing to pay that much money for them," she miaows later. Of course, what she actually meant to say was "They were expensive, and I was willing to spend that much of my parents' money for them, as I am 16 and don't have my own money, which means I have no concern at all for the cost of things or life in general and have no concept at all that I am not Paris Hilton and $275 is a ridiculous amount of money to spend on a pair of shoes when you're 16 and have absolutely nowhere to wear them."

ACT TWO: Somehow Demelza is "pressured" to pay towards the cost of her friend owning exactly the same shoes as her, and chips in $175 for Alyce to get a pair too, even though she doesn't want to, but like, she has to. Both girls act as if this is a completely normal thing to do.

ACT THREE: Back at the house, Alyce becomes possessed by the demonic spirit of a four year old child and yells "THESE ARE MOY SHOES IN BLACK, BUT DEMELZA GOT THEM IN MAROON AND I WUV MY SHOES COS THEY'RE SO PRITTY AND YAYYYY!! NAP TIME NAP TIME!!!" before launching into a round of Bob the Builder and promptly falling asleep with her thumb in her mouth. This causes Demelza to storm upstairs in a rage, leaving everyone else quoting from The Book of Rules of Showing Off New Clothes and nodding sagely.

ACT FOUR: Petstarr screams "SINCE WHEN DID TEENAGE GIRLS START BEHAVING LIKE FOUR YEAR OLDS?" and throws her sippy cup full of Ribena at the television in a rage. Aaaaand SCENE.

Time for another challenge (oh, you mean that whole shoe thing WASN'T one? Dammit) which this week involves the girls posing with "their greatest fear" in order to promote Rexona deodorant. See how those two ideas work together there? See it? No, I don't either, but I'm seriously hoping one of the girls has a phobia of deodorant. WOULDN'T THAT BE HILARIOUS?

Sadly that doesn't eventuate, although the girls go all out to prove beyond all reasonable doubt that they are truly a bunch of weirdos by coming up with the most bizarre phobias ever. Edward Scissorhands, anyone? That's Leiden.

I know I know, I thought it would be that too.

While Leiden hyperventilates over the possibility of accidentally running into Johnny Depp (although, I can sort of understand that), Rebecca freaks out over having to hold a parrot and Alamela's circuits spark out of control at the prospect of having to pose with a clown, despite the fact that the make up they've slapped on her makes her look rather like one herself.


"Alex, how do you feel about stick insects?" asks Pease.

For a second, Alexandra is horrified at the notion that she may have to pose with Alamela, but then realises Pease is talking about ACTUAL insects and calms down.

Caris poses with a snake in a totally 80s, cliched sexy shoot that would go straight to the cover of RALPH were it not for her muffin top, bad skin and braces, someone else holds a crocodile and Belinda and Emma give two incredibly crap speeches to prove that their fear of public speaking is entirely justified. Although it must be said poor Belinda isn't exactly helped by her unfortunate choice of costume, which makes her look rather like what the Sydney Opera House did halfway through its construction.

You laugh now, but one day people will travel from all over the world to see this dress.

Leiden's terrifying Edward Scissorhands shoot proves too much for Fox 8's budget to accommodate, and they resort to hanging a few pairs of scissors from the roof for her to stand amongst. Seriously. I can't believe they aired that.

No clue is given as to what any of this is actually for, as no photos are taken, and no one but Pease and the makeup artists seems to be in the room. Even the Rexona woman has buggered off in embarrassment.

Rebecca and Caris win for some reason, and get to go to the David Jones fashion parade with Dawson and her other two girls, the location of which she's helpfully emphasised with some cunningly placed patterning.

It's subtle, do you see it?

And by the way: BOO TO YOU, David Jones, for not only decreeing that a) Sydney is the only worthwhile place to hold a fashion parade these days, but b) the fabulous Megan Gale should be replaced by that annoying little winker Miranda Kerr. I've switched to Myer, thank you very much.

Both girls are extremely excited when Dawson invites them to walk the David Jones catwalk - OH MOY GOURD!!!11!! This prospect becomes rather less exciting when it is revealed that this will be done AFTER all the invited guests have gone home and JUST BEFORE the crew dismantles the stage so the cleaners can get in.

Moving right along, and it's photo shoot time (FINALLY - is this like, the longest episode EVER or what? I'm starting to develop a phobia of model "challenges"). This week it's a shoot for some shoe designer in which the models will have to hang from a harness off the side of a building.

Caris reveals her third phobia for the episode (what, is she trying to win a medal or something?) by announcing she's scared of heights and "freaking out". Yawn.

High altitude shoe shoot in a nutshell:

  • Demelza is offended when Alyce declines to give her any tips on how to hang upside down off the side of a building (because it IS that hard to work out for yourself)

  • Leiden dresses up as some kind of sassy mariachi singer-zebra-spiderman hybrid and somehow manages to look brilliant AND sell shoes

  • Emma once again manages to bore everyone stupid despite showing her undies to everyone and having half a parrot glued to her eyelashes
  • Belinda looks like a 13 year old at a school holiday circus skills workshop

  • Demelza tries her hardest to pose but only draws praise when her foot slips and she slaps into the wall. Yay!

  • Caris decides the best way to overcome a fear of heights is to hang off the side of a building staring face down at the ground. Strangely enough, this doesn't work.

  • Alamela reinforces her nerd appeal by resembling something out of a cult Japanese anime film

  • Alexandra bounces about in a way she thinks makes her look professional but actually makes her look like a grasshopper on drugs and

  • Pease does a passable impression of Max Headroom/a Lego Man in the worst pair of sunglasses this side of the back of P Diddy's spare room wardrobe.

Why do I think these would suit Alamela more?

Elimination time, and it seems the fancy dress fun of the exercise session has carried over to the warehouse - Alex has come as a librarian who enjoys stamp collecting and playing hockey on the weekends:

Jolly hockeysticks!

Belinda has come as me at my year seven social:

Hairbands are ace.

Pezza is reprising his role as a sunglasses case:

He tried Pease's on but the weight was too much.

And guest judge Peter Morrissey has come as Alex Perry before he had sunglasses surgically attached to his scalp.

"Do I look expensive enough?"

All the girls are forced to pose on a pole, which is about as exciting as defragmenting one's hard drive (if you're Alamela you possibly DO find that exciting, so just take it as read). The only interesting part of this segment is when Belinda grabs the pole, throws her head back and sticks her tongue out the side of her mouth. Apparently this is what she calls her "thinking face", which probably explains why we haven't seen it all that often this series.

Dawson is the QUEEN of impressions.

On to the picture bitch:

  • Caris manages to hid her braces, spots and rolls long enough to look lithe, lean and fabulous in her photo

  • Alamela looks like the seixest darn shoe selling robot you ever did see, until she ruins it all by blurting "IT'S. VERY. GOOD. PAPER JAM IN SECTION E7."

  • Emma's photo is surprisingly nice but whoops, I seem to have forgotten her already again

  • Alexandra gains a few leg inches, loses a neck

  • Pezza tells Samantha she needs to connect better with the camera. Alamela offers her her spare USB cable.

  • Morrissey says Samantha doesn't look hungry enough. Thousands of viewers beg to differ.

  • Pezza says Alyce looks constipated and needs Metamucil. So, I guess she got a little TOO hungry, then?

  • Jodhello and all the judges proclaim Leiden's photo to be THE BEST PHOTO IN THE HISTORY OF PHOTOGRAPHY and then commit the BIGGEST ACT OF CONTRADICTION IN THE HISTORY OF BULLSHIT by putting her in the bottom two. Against Emma. Who? Yeah, I think you know where this is going...

  • Bye bye Emma.

  • Who?

Join me next week, bitchketeers, for more of the same (and hopefully on time, this time).

If you haven't done it already, head over to Jo Blogs for more ANTM hilarity.


  1. I laughed hard when Pease went "Johnny Depp? No, he wasn't available." in all seriousness towards Leiden during her hissy fit. That's the best quote of series four so far for me.

    Apart from that I found it all quite disappointing. Boring as hell and sometimes the awkwardness just went past my comfort level.

    Ian Thorpe is completely redundant, I really hope it was his last appearance (probably not).

    I also hope they could detach themselves slightly from the bullshit challenges and let the girls do more "real" modeling work this series.

  2. Emma the trainer has a website, . It's worth a look.


  3. the trainer was terrifying.
    but as soon as i saw the porridge's glasses, i knew they would be mentioned in the wrap-ups. brilliant!

  4. "Johnny Depp not available"... too good Pease, too good!