As is the usual custom in ANTM land, we begin this week's episode by strapping on our flux capacitor and flashbacking to last week's elimination, where - darn, what was her name again? All I remember is she looked like a fish - got eliminated.
Except it seems the Doc has made a few bad calculations in the Delorean, as we've somehow ended up in a parallel universe where Leiden and Demelza are best friends.
DOC! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!
"I was like, oh shit, if I'm going Demelza is just going to break down in tears," says Leiden, reflecting on her experience in last week's bottom two and, apparently, her bestie status with Demelza.
Excuse me, but WHEN exactly did this happen? Can we have just a BIT of continuity please? Next you'll be telling me Jodhello has handed over the hosting to Dawson, who in turn has adopted Emma as her own personal hatstand (she'd have the perfect personality for that) and Alamela has been granted her wish to become a real live girl. I CAN'T KEEP UP.
"My bedroom is starting to empty now with Karmilla gone, and now Emma's left," says Alamela. One might be tempted to suggest that she is some sort of BAD LUCK CHARM but fortunately for Alamela, her logic software can't compute that idea.
Back at the model mansion and once again the modelettes are sitting around doing bugger all when ALL OF A SUDDEN:
Well excuse me Mr Pease. Next time don't bother to knock or anything. No that's fine, you just burst in here with a flourish of flamenco music and announce "IT'S TIME TO GET TOUGH" just like that, just glide down the stairs all stylish like that and do that sultry thing with your eyes and... gosh that's a nice suit you're wearing... phwooar... AHEM. Where was I?
Ah yes, well apparently it's time for the models to "get tough", which shouldn't be a problem for Leiden, who already enjoys such hobbies as burping and dirtbiking, but may be a problem for girls like Demelza, who thinks that someone buying the same shoes as her is reason enough for a cry. And it seems I'm not the only one excited by Pease's new found dash and derring-do:
He's such a DREAMBOAT!
Sadly, it's the last time he'll be dropping in unannounced for a while, as Pease drops the DEVASTATING news that he'll be leaving the girls ON THEIR OWN until the next photo shoot. OH MOY GOURD!! Er, hang on, what's different about that? I must have missed all the footage of Pease cooking the models dinner every night and plaiting their hair while they talk about boys in their pyjamas. Are they really going to be traumatised by this?
Apparently so, as all of the modelettes immediately erupt into tears and wailing and gnashing of teeth and pulling of hair. Oh no wait, that's just Demelza and Alyce having a scrag fight again, nothing to worry about. And as Pease disappears upstairs (where's he going to hide, the bathroom cabinet?) we move right along to the first challenge of the week, which appears to be the ever popular CATWALK LESSON.
As last year, we meet up with everybody's favourite runway bitch, MINK. Remember her from last season? I do. You'll find her first ANTM appearance here.
Clearly it's another one of those kooky ANTM fancy dress challenges, as Mink has come as Jennifer Grey post nose job, while the stylist dude called Trevor next to her has come as Norman Cook back when Fatboy Slim was still actually popular.
Exhibit A: Mink and Man.
Exhibit B: Norm and Jen.
I think you'll agree their costumes are pretty damn good.
Mink puts everyone in the mood for a party by dropping two names on the floor ("I've worked for designers like Armani and Valentino..." what, in 10 whole years you've only worked with two big names? Tsk tsk) and then announces she's also a hooker. BOOKER, SORRY, booker. I have GOT to get my hearing checked.
She then comes out with the one quote from this episode you should all strive to repeat at least once during your working day tomorrow: "If anyone needs to be impressed today, it's Trevor."
Trevor the stylist is unimpressed.
Impressing Trevor challenge in a nutshell:
- Mink watches Jamie "Pride of Adelaide" Lee prance down the catwalk and then offers the totally useful piece of advice "You're not blowing me away, OK?". Fortunately Jamie still manages to take home the 2008 Highest Waistband Award for her ridiculous pants.
- As in the horny sailors challenge, Demelza once again thunders down the catwalk at warp speed (maybe THAT'S how she managed to change universes and become friends with Leiden?) and practically gives herself whiplash turning around at the end. "I have a big problem walking in a straight line, always have," she declares, and somehow everything makes sense.
- Alex does her best Kevin Federline with a thin mouth impression and stomps down the catwalk, but even this is not enough to impress Trevor. Despite doing nothing discernibly different from any of the other girls, Mink dubs her attempt "slightly embarrassing". Ouch.
Should I do a rap, maybe?
- Leiden shows off some spunky ripped jeans circa my 14th birthday party and threatens to hit Mink and Trevor. No, not really (apart from the jeans), but that would have been awesome.
- Alamela borrows Jodhello's garbage bag outfit from episode two, sets her catwalk software to "fancy" and does a natty leg-sweep at the end of the runway before turning around and stalking back to the sound of Trevor's laughter. It's about this time that I start to consider Alamela might be on this show as a dare.
- Foxtel's props and sets department outdoes itself once again by creating a CATWALK MADE OF SAND for the girls to walk on that actually is nothing more than the normal catwalk with a bit of sand sprinkled on the top and actually, isn't that hard to walk on. Sadly Trevor's mocking laughter has forced Alamela to drop her leg sweep routine, otherwise we might have seen Mink get a face full of sand.
- Trevor and Mink hang even more unecessarily harsh shit on Alexandra, which somehow makes me start to feel sorry for her.
WHAT THE HELL, DOC?
- They also blow sunshine straight up Demelza's skirt, saying she "looks like a model".
They're right, she totally looks like a model.
Back at the model mansion Demelza continues to show how like a professional model she is by cornering Alamela in the kitchen and throwing a waterbomb at her, then running away giggling by herself BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE IS AROUND. WHAT is the POINT of ditching a waterbomb at someone WHEN THERE'S NOBODY THERE TO SEE IT? Fortunately Alamela's circuits aren't damaged and she goes back to studying the density of fruit as she was doing before.
I am wet = affirmative. This apple is 57% water = affirmative.
"I've been bullied before, it's because I'm different," says Alamela.
Aw. That's.... Well, that sucks.
"You learn to live with it," she continues, as I start to feel bad about calling her a robot for the last three episodes.
It seems the girls are also in doubt about Alamela's organic origins, and decide the best way to test for humanity is to pour water onto her head while she sits on the couch, like some sort of bizarre modelling gladiator event in the fashion coliseum.
"She didn't even do anything, she just sat there," chirps head bitch Demelza P. Scragface after the event, seemingly oblivious to the fact that SHE IS AN UTTER ARSEHOLE.
"You're completely different to everyone else in the house," she shrieks in Alamela's face, as all the other
bitches girls stand around baying for model blood. It somehow escapes Demelza's understanding that being like her in any regard would not be a desirable characteristic.
"Yeah..." says Alamela.
"YEAHHH that's your answer to everything, YEAHHH," blahs Samantha "Eyebrows" McBitcherson, who has decided to come to the witchhunt dressed as Bootsy Collins, but with less talent.
Make it BITCHY, baby!
Demelza and Samantha's Arseholeism 101 class finally ends, and we move on to the next challenge, GO SEES, although clearly just getting dressed that morning was a challenge for Alex, who has come as a kindergarten teacher from Toowomba in 1988:
The girls get put into groups, are shoved into chauferred vehicles and are given the incredibly difficult CHALLENGE of directing their drivers to three different locations. You know, in the American version of this show the girls actually have to USE THEIR BRAINS on their go sees, and use incredibly novel things like BUSES and TRAINS and THEIR OWN TWO FEET to get around. Obviously The Lifestyle Channel is borrowing Fox 8's spare cameras this week and they only have three to go round.
Go see challenge in a nutshell:
- Jamie, Demelza and Alamela manage to get completely lost on the first go - obviously Alamela's GPS software has a glitch.
- Leiden demonstrates her superior intelligence by trying to put on a pair of pants without taking off her stilettoes first, and then putting on a dress backwards.
- Caris earns the lofty (yet obscure) title of being "like tap water", which she's totally fine with, as long as it's not splashed onto her face.
- Samantha is surprised to discover Nicola Finetti is a man. Belinda shrieks "I KNOOOOOOW! I still can't believe Napoleon isn't a skinny, weedy, little man!"
Despite banging on and on about how important it was to be punctual, neither Jodhello nor Priscilla Leighton-Clark seem to give a crap when all the girls come back late to headquarters, and Alyce wins the whole thing. Alex draws our attention to the fact that Alyce reacts to every piece of exciting news by putting her hand to her mouth, which henceforth starts to annoy the living shit out of me.
Is she excited or just yawning?
She wins some pearls and squeals "I WAS GOING TO BUY PEARLS THE OTHER DAY, TOO!" The fact that she apparently couldn't afford a pair of shoes the other day seems to escape both her and her financial advisor Demelza, who she's chosen to share in her prize and so clearly doesn't care that she hates her guts anymore.
Alyce, Demelza and Rebecca get to do a photo shoot for Body and Soul magazine which looks EXACTLY LIKE EVERY BODY AND SOUL MAGAZINE PHOTO YOU'VE EVER SEEN. That is, of course, if you HAVE ever seen a photo in Body and Soul, as it's usually the part of the paper you use to clean up kitchen scraps or line the cat's litter tray with. For the uninitiated: models in overpriced lycra gymsuits doing yoga poses in front of a body of water. EVERY. FUCKING. WEEK.
While all this hilarity is going on, the "losers" of the go see challenge (which is sort of EVERYONE, given they were all late, but anyway) get to walk on treadmills in high heels, which everyone is pretending is "good catwalk practice" as opposed to "stupid, painful torture".
Demelza sees this as her opportunity for round two of the Alyce and Rebecca sponsored Punish Alamela-thon and launches into attack. Alamela flicks her self defence switch and puts up her dukes as the bitchketeers land punch after ridiculous punch. Rebecca's advances are momentarily deflected when she blurts out the memorable but not so intelligent phrase "I find YOU disinteresting!" but eventually the whole thing is shut down with one over-dramatic cough from Alamela - has she got the consumption?
"I'll openly say that I could probably be nicer to her, but I don't wanna be," spits Demelza La Scrag. And with that, we move on to the photo shoot (FINALLY, have there been like, A MILLION challenges this episode or am I just starting to FEEEEEL THE CHAYYYY-ANNNGE?) which is for Alex "Pezza" Perry's new cook book. Or fashion book. Or look book. Whatever it is, our modelettes are pretty half baked:
- Trevor makes a reappearance. And aren't we all happy about that.
Trevor is a stylist.
- Pezza says "I know you girls are in a competition, but I can't tell you how little I care about that today," as if he feels differently any other day.
- Pezza quote #2: "All of them think they're beautiful, but none of them are that beautiful." There's no joke attached to that, I just love that he said it.
- Pezza brings in model Laura G, who is clearly the reason why Jordan from last year isn't getting any work - this chick's cornered the squinty, thin market. Pezza calls her his "sure thing". No one questions what this might mean.
- Alex demonstrates some previously unseen humility by admitting nervousness in the face of the "sure thing". Alex my dear, am I starting to like you?
NO, DOC! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!
- Pezza quote #3: "Belinda. Kill me now. Just stab me in the neck."
- Alyce "does extraordinary things to the clients". This is never elaborated on, but we can probably assume they enjoyed it.
- Leiden struggles to squeeze her ENORMOUS size eight and a half torso into a Little Bo Peep dress and amazingly manages to look fabulous and daring rather than like a transvestite Swiss flower girl.
- Alamela's skeletal frame proves too small even for the world of fashion, and ends up looking like she's camping out in Pezza's outfits rather than wearing them.
- Rebecca does a crap job, causing Pezza to blurt "That just cost us $475!" Somewhere in the distance Mink the hooker screams "I WOULD HAVE BEEN CHEAPER!"
- Trevor declares Demelza Von Bitchenburg "a little bigger in the hips than the other girls" which, although patently ridiculous, makes me feel all warm inside.
- Alex, Alyce and Ms Bitchface De Scragola get to stay back to reshoot a few looks for Pezza, which end up not being better than the original shots and so are a complete waste of time for all concerned, not least me.
Back at model mansion and DING! DING! It's time for round three of the All-In Alamela Beat Up. Demelza lands the first punch by announcing she wore Alamela's outfit for the photo reshoot, nyer nyer, but Alamela counters strongly by mumbling Demelza could lose a few pounds. Given there's no possibility of nailing Alamela on this particular point, Demelza resorts to tag team tactics and drags in Rebecca who screams something along the lines of "THAT'S BETTER THAN BEING TOO THIN!", an argument that will never work anywhere in the fashion universe, as nothing is EVER better than being too thin. Jaime brings a metal chair down on Demelza's head while Rebecca grabs Leiden in a headlock and the rest of the modelettes shout "JERRY! JERRY!" Alamela wins by default, but not before having a complete system crash and breaking down in tears. That poor little robot. I'm really beginning to like her, bless her motherboard.
And as we navigate the rattling pieces of the ANTM mobile onto the home stretch, it's time, once again, for elimination. But over in the elimination warehouse, Jodhello and Dawson have other ideas - SCRAG PUNISHING IDEAS.
"Shut, lit's face ut, most of you are really bloody thuck," snarls Dawson in that gorgeous Kiwi accent of hers.
"And none of you are getting fush OR chups tonight, so take that," she continues.
She then tells them to pick up a book occasionally (and like, read it, not hurl it at each other) or they'll all be working in take away joints after they get kicked off the show. Can you spell EBONI? No, she couldn't either, that's why she's working in that pizza bar now.
Dawson christens the Scrag Alliance "The Dapto Dogs" (which I think you probably have to live in NSW to understand), Pezza says every person who's ever been on ANTM and isn't Alice Burdeu is now pushing muffins at Muffin Break (take a look at your future, gals) and Priscilla tells them all to "shape up" - none of which seems to have any effect on the girls whatsoever. Maybe they're all still trying to work out what "Dapto Dogs" are, like I am.
Anyway, onto the Picture bitch:
- Belinda looks like a corpse in a dress. A boy's corpse in a dress. Not sure if that was the effect Pezza was going for, but he got it.
- Dawson looks at Jamie's photo and declares "You WILL get laid in that dress, honey!"
But possibly not if you pull this face again.
- Alex's pic makes her look like a wrestler. Demelza quickly drafts her for her All Scrag fighting league.
- "I think it would be quite difficult o make a lot of money off you," the photographer says to Alex, while faintly in the background we hear Mink the hooker shouting "NOT IN THAILAND....!"
- Pezza tells Caris to get back on the treadmill. She cries and her mascara runs. FOR ABOUT THE 500TH TIME THIS SEASON. CHRIST, can SOMEONE buy the girl some waterproof?
- Demelza Q. Slapperton looks completely gorgeous in her photo, so sadly no one gets to play the "You're a horrible person and it's coming out in your photos" game. Oh well.
- Pezza calls Rebecca "a moose" and admits he wants to shoot her with an air rifle. Millions of viewers around the country nod their heads in understanding.
After going overboard praising all of the photos except for one, the judges call back Rebecca the moose and Belinda the bogan (who, by the way, STILL hasn't gotten those FUCKING contacts - MUM??? Hello??! HEARD OF EXPRESS POST?!) for a completely unsurprising eviction. Belinda is sent back to the country having learned the incredibly useful skill of walking in heels (that'll come in handy on the farm), and the moose lives to see another day - although I personally can't wait for the episode where she's stuffed and mounted for Pezza's study.
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