Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Australia's Next Top Model Wrap Up: Episode Five

For those of you who may have missed last week's episode, and all of the earnest newspaper articles it spawned, here's a brief rundown:

Alamela got sad

Jodhi got angry

Bitches got a slap on the wrist

Of course, there's always Demelza Von Scragface's version of events, which goes something like: "Yeah, but no, but yeah, but no, but yeah, but I DIDN'T EVEN TOUCH HER OR NUFFINK AND SHE STARTED IT ANYWAY JUST ASK ALYCE but don't talk to Rebecca cos she's a big fat bitch and a lezzo too I know cos I seen her down behind the bike sheds with Leiden and that."


Demelza also wins the inagural Bland Canyon MOST PISS POOR APOLOGY OF THE YEAR AWARD for this effort:

"Because you'd hidden, in a way, like, the way you were feeling, we probably couldn't understand what was happening, and it did go too far, and it, like, did go to the extent where you like, got really really upset, and I just want you to know that I do feel really badly for that, and I don't want you to feel that way again."

Bitch, PLEASE. You poured water on her head and punished her solidly for weeks. The word you're looking for is SORRY.

Demelza's apology went something like this.

We move on to scene two, in which the models head to the local bakery for their daily mid morning routine of eating pastry and cake and other such foods no one else in the universe can eat without getting fat. Alex gets a "large soy mocha" to sip in the corner while wearing a beret and discussing existentialism as regards milk products and the human condition but her plans to catch up on looking cool reading Kafka are thwarted when a motorbike rocks up bearing a huge Jodhi Mail saying something about selling stuff.

The models show off their superior intelligence by surmising that this probably means they'll have to be in a commercial. See, not just pretty faces!

Or in this case, not even.

Suddenly Pease Porridge appears on the street, naked. Whoops no, sorry, my mistake. He appears on the street IN FRONT OF Naked, which is some sort of wanky company that uses words like "branding" and "positive image reinforcement" and "systematified marketation" (I made that last one up, but you get my point). He craps on about jeans for a while, the models pretend to know what he's talking about, I pretend to be interested, then realise I'm not actually there and so don't have to bother, and we fast forward to the next segment which involves all of the models trapped in a little room with butchers paper and textas writing down words that describe themselves.

Of course, Demelza merrily scrawls down things like LOVING, GENEROUS and FUN, failing to add the obvious MEAN, RUDE, ARSEHOLE and BITCHFACE (I'm not sure those last two are adjectives, but hey, one of the models wrote down "PASHONATE" so I don't really think it's a big deal).

Alamela's the modelbot's Grammar and Spelling software crashes, causing her to write down "INTELEGANT" instead of "intelligent". Fortunately her irony software is still working though, as her alarm goes off straight away and she has to reset it.

As if all of this mastery of the English language isn't enough of a challenge, it's time for this week's first challenge: Name a fashion label you identify with, make a collage that represents it, and then dress up in character as one of their models. In a nutshell:

  • Leiden reduces Vivienne Westwood to some Sex Pistols lyrics, a badly drawn Union Jack and a worse cockney accent than Dick Van Dyke and is hailed as a genius. Suddenly I understand why everyone makes such a fuss over Keira Knightley.

  • Alamela shows how well she knows Chanel by explaining to everyone how Nicole Kidman's involvement in their recent ad campaign really lifted the brand's profile. For some reason, no one bursts out laughing. That happens later, when she puts on a string of fake pearls, grabs a nanna handbag and pretends to be French. (Although I have to admit she's 333 diferent kind of awesome when she laughs and sparkles "Men? Men are interesting creatures. I enjoy them.")

  • Demelza causes a mass fashion freak out by describing Gucci as "luxe" and "feminine" but leaving out "sexy". Pease describes this as a "schoolgirl error", which is kind of funny because DEMELZA IS A FUCKING SCHOOLGIRL.

  • The sum total of Alyce's effort to embody Galliano is putting on a red jacket. Pease gives her an opportunity to redeem herself by asking her what her character would drink. "Beer?" Sigh.

You fucking idiot.

  • Pease's hopes of Demelza showing how SEXY Gucci is are raised when she says her character would spend most of her time "in bed", and are dashed almost immediately when she continues "...recovering from a long night out." Clearly she was meant to say "banging my brains out with my latest male model conquest", but somehow that would seem inappropriate coming from a 16 year old, so perhaps it's best she's just a really crap actress.

  • Caris varies her "crying every episode" routine by doing it in a stupid hat this time.

Send in... the clowns...

Moving right along, and the girls are shuffled off to a HIGHLY GLAMOROUS and TOTALLY SOPHISTICATED photo shoot set in the STUNNING SURROUNDS of the Foxtel car park.

"Walking into the car park was exciting, because - what are you going to do in a car park?" says Alamela. Faintly in the background we can hear Mink screaming something...

Clearly it's another one of those fancy dress fashion shoots, as Dawson has come as Oscar the Grouch...

I'll admit it's a tad obscure.

...and the photographer has come as Guy Sebastian:

Hey, isn't he married now?

He tells them they have to pose with a car. In groups. It really IS that interesting. Blatant Ford Fiesta product placement photo shoot in a nutshell:

  • Samantha stuns everybody by complaining about her outfit, her hair, the shoot, the other models, the car and Chloe, and not ONCE mentioning her massive eyebrows. THAT is inner strength, ladies and gentlemen. Inner strength or blindness, I'm not sure.

  • The fancy dress theme continues, with Jamie dressing up as a seagull, Alamela as a schoolgirl at her formal in 1993, and Alyce as a French prostitute from the Widjimorphup Players' production of Les Miserables.

What do you mean "What does this have to do with Ford?"

  • Alamela bemoans the fact that it's hard to "connect with the car". The problem is solved, however, when Dawson breaks the jumper leads out of the boot and hooks her mainframe up to the battery.

  • Leiden grabs a wheel in an effort to "look like part of the car", but ends up looking more like a dominatrix in bondage gear changing a tyre on the side of the road for her prim, horse-riding, lesbian client.

  • Alyce does a grand impression of Frodo Baggins:

One hairstyle to rule them all.

Ho ho ho.

  • Demelza drapes herself over the bonnet and manages to obscure half of the car with her MASSIVE, ENORMOUS, GIGANTIC thighs, a sight which causes another fashion freak out, this time from Dawson.

Run, don't walk from THE BLOB.

  • Rebecca slaps on a black satin corset and a suspender belt and somehow still manages to show less than Samantha, who mistakes "Chloe" for "Britney" and shows everyone her cha-cha. This prompts Dawson to come out with the quote of the episode (and possibly the entire season): "I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOUR PERSONAL FIESTA, HONEY!" This is outdone shortly afterwards, when she spews "There were so many thighs splayed on that Fiesta - three bored broads lying on a Ford." Why Ford don't take this up as their international marketing slogan is beyond me.

Leiden is praised for her bondage mechanic act and her group wins a trip to Brisbane to model the "winter range" of Holeproof underwear in the middle of a department store to midday shoppers (ie: the old, the fat and the unemployed). I hope against hope that the "winter range" comprises thermal vests, 300 denier skin-coloured pantyhose and bedsocks, but it turns out later it's just the usual undies and singlets worn with a scarf. Of course. Anyway, for some reason, the models act as though they've just been told they all get to sleep with Johnny Depp, except for Leiden, who as we all know has a fear of Edward Scissorhands and so bursts out crying. Probably because she's just heard she's going to Brisbane.

They head back to the model mansion and it appears Jodhello has been taking breaking and entering lessons from Pease 007, as she's sitting on their living room floor reading magazines. Once again the modelettes take a leaf out of the best selling book Overly Enthusiastic Reactions To Not Very Exciting Situations (Or: How to Get Noticed on Reality TV) and promptly freak out. Jodhello tells them they're all going to get a little treat, because they all had a tough week last week.

Excuse. Me.

I believe ALAMELA had a tough week last week, and everyone else got off scott free for being nasty little tarts. AS IF THAT DESERVES A TREAT! I'm about to get all incensed when I realise the treat is actually just parcels from home, so like, who really cares. Samantha, apparently, who continues the spoiled bitchface routine she started last week by crying about only receiving some stupid presents from her mum and like, no letters from her friends or her boyfriend or anything, boo hoo.

Moving right along, and the modelettes head off to NIDA where they will no doubt blitz a half hour acting course, land starring roles in Hollywood blockbusters and be back at the model mansion with an Oscar each before lunch time. Leiden and Alamela can already do accents, come on!

But actually it turns out they'll be starring in a tampon commercial. Close.

An ad exec informs them all they'll be acting "with a prop", and I hope against hope that it's a giant polystyrene uterus they'll have to do a demonstration on. THAT would be a challenge. But no, it's just a stuffed beaver. You know, because BEAVER is a funny word for VAGINA, which automatically makes the AD funny. Well yes, I know we don't use that word here in Australia, but that doesn't MATTER, it's FUNNY in AMERICA, which automatically makes it funny HERE, get it? GET IT?

On a positive note, this does allow the ANTM editors to include 30 seconds of footage of all the modelettes saying "GIANT HAIRY BEAVER" in a sequence reminiscent of this scene from Austin Powers:

It also allows Pease to break out some comedy gold, including such memorable one liners as: "Get familiar with your beaver ladies, you'll really have to work it on set today", "You don't want to break the beaver today, so take care with it" and "Pick up your beaver and let's do it!". Although no one comes close to Demelza who explains the double meaning by blurting "IT'S... WOMEN'S COMPARTMENT!"

Beaver bullshit challenge in a nutshell:

  • Samantha decides to outshine Alamela and Leiden in the bad accent stakes by doing the entire commercial as a retarded American.

  • Leiden does a shocking job of delivering her lines, but pulls off a remarkable impression of the beaver:

Brusha brusha brusha...

  • Still, at least she can successfully pick the packet up off the shelf, unlike Alyce, whose motor skills development seems to have stalled at age four.

  • Jamie does a splendid job of walking, talking, picking up packets and holding her beaver, elevating her from the pyjama pages of the Harris Scarf catalogue to, ooh, say the chick on the Watertanks Are Us commecial.

  • Alamela sets her speech software to 1955 and her facial expression to "friendly but uncomfortable sex ed teacher" and tells us all which tampons to choose for the ultimate care "down thah". I can't help thinking if she'd had that giant uterus to work with she would have done much better.

  • Pease complains that Alamela doesn't have "the diversity a model needs", ignoring the fact that Alice from last year's season couldn't talk on camera to save her life, as demonstrated in episode five, and yet still won the whole entire thing because no one really wants models to talk anyway.

  • The line "Hair, skin, eyes, lips - you put the effort in up there, but what about down there?" doesn't really have the same effect when it's delivered by Caris, who has possibly never put effort into any of those four things ever.

  • Pease decides a tampon commercial is the perfect opportunity for Demelza to display more sex appeal, and forces her to kiss the other prop on set - an embarrassed boy. Strangely enough, an awkward peck on the lips in front of a massive shelf full of tampons doesn't turn out that sexy on film.

Over at the elimination warehouse, and it's clearly time to make a cup of tea, as Jodhello is giving her usual speech about prizes and such in her usual delivery style of "drunk six year old autistic child".

15 minutes later we're back on track, and it's time to get rid of one of these scrags already. Elimination bitch in a nutshell:

  • Peter Morrissey opens his Little Book of Motivational Cliches, turns to page 13 and tells Leiden she doesn't suck, her attitude sucks. Millions of Foxtel viewers who have just seen her woeful tampon commercial beg to differ.

  • Jodhello tells Caris her background in acting really shows. So do her braces. And her conjunctivitis.

  • Alyce delivers every line in the commercial as if it ends in ??!! and so comes off sounding like she's auditioning for The Sopranos - "What the hell, Jodhi!? You're breakin' my balls over here!!??"

  • Jodhello tells Alamela the 1950s sanitary hygiene bot to study the other models in the house to see how a real, live teenage girl acts. You know, all bitchy and catty and mean and stuff. Be more like that. That gets rewarded around here, you know.

  • Dawson declares Jamie "Queen of the beavers". Funny, I thought she did that last week when she told her she'd be sure to get a root in the dress she was modelling. I sense a pattern developing here.

  • "We've seen more beaver this week than Peter Morrissey has seen in a lifetime," quips Dawson. Or that Alex Perry has seen EVER.

  • Pezza and Dawson throw in a few token comments about Demelza being bored, lazy and "coasting by on being pretty" to make up for not thrashing the shit out of her last week. Strangely, the mystery of why Demelza thinks she can cruise through the competition unchecked remains unsolved.

  • Pezza says something about groundhogs. Beavers. Groundhogs. Beavers.

Jodhello reads some names off a clipboard, some modelettes walk down a catwalk, and suddenly we're down to two chicks, neither of whom is Leiden, despite the fact that she has about as much talent for television as Jodhi does.

In a totally random bottom two it's Alyce vs. Alamela, and the axe falls on the robot's side. She sheds a few drops of coolant, waves her goodbyes and gaily rolls out the door on her titanium wheels as the other scrags try to hide their joy at her departure.

If I were a more cynical person, I'd say that perhaps this was a mutual decision made behind the scenes... I'll miss that crafty little robot. Beep beep!

Don't forget to check out Jo Blogs' version of events.


  1. Fnaaar!
    I'd high-five you if I was lame.

    PS: are we sharing a lobe or something?

  2. Fabulous recap, as always. I missed the first half of the episode because I was out at a work do....and Pease was there! Looking AMAZINGly handsome. But I was too shy to talk to him. I might have worked up the courage if I'd had a few drinks, but no one wants to talk to a drunk pregnant woman so it's just as well I didn't try.

  3. This episode was weird.

    The photo shoot was un-fabulous. (and didn't seem to be a factor in the judging?!...)

    The "commercial" was tacky...and although I know that we don't really care if mods can talk or not, did anyone else see Alice B at the MTV Awards?...she couldn't talk. And it was BAD.

    Some of those scrags were waaaay worse than Alamela in the commercial...so why was she eliminated?!...I think I have to agree PetStarr - something stinks in Top Modelville.

  4. I agree with everything you said.

    I was DISGUSTED when Johdi announced how they'd had a bad week - that was shocking! And voting off Alemela before Whiny McFugly (Caris) is ridiculous! At least Alamela stayed strong and didn't cry EVERY FRIGGIN EPISODE! How on earth is Caris going to become a top model when she's fugly and going to cry every shoot? Seriously ... I know I'm being harsh, but she is NOT a top model.

  5. Brilliant wrap up.

    Jodhi's line of "You've all had a rough week" made me lose IQ points. So did Demelza's apology and all accents provided within the episode.

    As much as Alamela was a nice cyborg, she has the BMI of around 14. That is worse than Alice B's from last year (and that's hard to do, although she did go on Thorpey's super diet). There is no way she was going to win, and I think the judges knew that as well. Beep. Although I have to admit, I didn't think she would go after what happened last week, but then again, something smells fishy at Top Scrag HQ (or maybe it's the giant uterus).

    Loving Your Blogs, keep them up!

  6. Christ. I really have to stop drinking while reading these recaps... my monitor can't take any more splashdowns...
    Absolutely Hilarious!!...and yes, since when did beaver become 'below' Down Under??

  7. Loving your blogs as always. When I found out I made the top 13 I was so excited I was going to be on Bland Canyon. Dad had no idea what I was talking about, but now I make him read them every week.

    From your one and only robomodel,

  8. Alamela, my darling! How I miss you so already. So, am I right? Was there a "behind the scenes" decision made as regards your departure from the show? It can be the only explanation as to why you left before Caris did...

    You've certainly gotten a lot of media attention for a skinny little model bot! Good stuff, and well done you for toughing it out with those awful bitches. Hope you're not too scarred. Here's hoping we see you on the cover of Vogue one day, my love. x

  9. Oh, PetStarr, against my better judgement I just HAD to tell you how much it warmed my cockles to see how both you and joblogs responded to the ‘women’s compartment.’ I dug deep into the transcripts to find that one ESPECIALLY for you both. Consider it ‘an homage’. A sacrificial lamb, perhaps. Or beaver. (actually, I just wanted to say ‘beaver’ again - why waste an opportunity?) ‘Cause let’s face it - round these here ANTM parts **ahem**, we all worship at the shrine that is Bland Canyon... And Jo, you’ve got more one liners than Napoleon Perdis at a yokel convention. I mean, “Purple Monkey Dishwasher”? Killer.

    Except, of course, for when you give us bad reviews, in which case you are universally acknowledged as being a couple of complete 'compartments.’ And in case you hadn’t noticed, I'm attempting to work that particular phrase into the local vernacular. Can you help me out here a little...?

    Go on. You know you want to... :-)

    Blog on, m’dears.

  10. AnEditor - Bad reviews? When have I ever given you guys a bad review? Oh wait, there was that one time when... yeah yeah ok. I have had a go at your continuity skillz, it's true. But any past indiscretions were more than made up for by your "beaver" sequence. Crikey, it's not even 10am and I've just said "beaver sequence". That's me for the day.

    As for "compartment", I will definitely strive to use this in daily conversation. Let's play a little game - in next week's wrap up, you can SPOT THE COMPARTMENT! I'll stick it in there somewhere. So to speak.

  11. It's good to see that Fox8 have embraced youtube at last for those of us who don't want to pay for 50 channels of repeats. Just a pity that their uploading staff isn't as quick as the amateurs.

    A shock to learn that Alamela Asimov was eliminated. Definitely my favourite of the show. She was, in actual fact, by far the most humane of the household.

    PetStarr, dearie, if you won't submit to my blandishments and professions of undying and eternal love and caring regards vis a vis jumping ship to my little blogging boat, have you ever considered joining the Evil Empire? You deserve a column in the 'tiser, at the very least. If not your own liftout in the Oz.

  12. PetStarr, you are too kind.

    "Beaver sequence"? One can't say it enough, IMHO. Personally, I like to say it on a three-hourly basis. But that's just me.

    But you've got yourself a deal, doll. YAY! Let the compartmentalisation begin! ;-)

  13. See, I've been trying to work "Purple Monkey Dishwasher Beaver Compartment" into the local vernacular.
    Yours makes much more sense.


  14. Jacques, my dear, I think you'll find I may have already joined...

  15. Really? Are the Empire going to publish your stuff online like Tim Blair, or am I going to have to start buying papers from interstate?