After many many download hours and megabytes, installing of software, gnashing of teeth and frantic calls to I.T support I finally bring you this, the most laboured over ANTM wrap up the BC has ever presented that probably ultimately wasn't worth it at all.
Once again, we kick off the episode with some flashbackery to last week, when our dear little robomodel Alamela was unceremoniously wheeled out of the model mansion, LEDs a-flashing.
"Without wanting to sound like, harsh, I would have liked to have seen Alamela go," mews Demelza, forgetting the fact that um, like, Alamela actually DID go.
"I would also have liked to have learned the past conditional tense at school..."
"Friendship-wise, that was somebody that I wasn't going to miss as much," she continues, as the whole of Australia slaps its head and shrieks "NO FUCKING SHIT".
Then Caris says HOLY CRAP, WHAT THE HELL?
Yes, she is still in the running to become Australia's Next Top Model.
Who the fuck knows WHAT Caris says - with that eyeshadow on she could be telling me I'd won $20 million in the lotto and a 48 hour orgy with Jack White, Jake Gyllenhaal and Josh Brolin with free vodka cocktails included and I'd still be screaming "GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME, IT'S CONTAMINATED!!"
We head back to the model mansion, which appears to have been broken into yet again, this time by the cast of the Coonabarabran Theatre Guild's production of Footloose. Apart from fart-arseing about like a bunch of lycra-clad idiots, their purpose is to deliver a Jodhi mail. I pray that the mail will have nothing whatsoever to do with dance and it will all have been a delicious nonsequitur, but they rather like obvious segues in ANTM land, and so it turns out to be an obvious segue into the modelettes learning how to dance in order to learn "the rhythm of the industry".
"Oh good," chirps Jamie, who apparently has studied callisthenics for 18 years.
Strangely enough, having studied the whitest form of dance possible doesn't actually help Jamie when it comes to performing in a hip-hop video, as we shall see later.
And with a burst of flamenco music (where is Pease? Isn't that his theme song?)(actually where the hell IS Pease? Has he been MIA for like, three episodes or what?) the modelettes are whisked off to a latin dance studio with a really obvious sign conveniently hung right above their front door in the centre of the shot.
Suddenly, BOOM! The curtains blast open and they're being danced at again, this time by a couple of ninjas! Fuck! Maybe the lesson to be learned this episode is TO BE READY TO DANCE AT ANY TIME. You could be just casually walking down the street and POW! TANGO! Or putting your feet up for a night of telly, tea and toast when BAM! FOXTROT! It's the Top Model equivalent of The Scouts: BE PREPARED - TO DANCE.
"Hi girls I'm Kane Bonky and..."
Er, did he just say his name was Kane Bonky? Yes, yes he did.
Bonky then announces that he's a Sydney based choreographer who has previously been a dancing penguin, so perhaps we should all be thankful he chose his human suit to turn up in today. Or maybe not.
Is he related to Samantha? I'm just saying...
His helpful sidekick, Ninja2, then explains to the models that dance is "all about movement", just in case any of them thought it was about sitting on the couch and eating chips while watching House re runs.
"The connection between modelling and dance is really, really important," she continues, in an attempt to justify this entire pointless segment for the home viewer. Silly Ninja2. Who needs to justify five minutes of Leiden in a tutu? That shit justifies itself.
Obviously Alamela bequeathed her chipset and half her motherboard to Leiden before she left, as our favourite blonde bogan spins around the room like a dragged up C3P0 on crack. Actually, if you dyed her hair black and put her in leather she'd do a very passable impression of Edward Scissorhands. Leiden dressed up as her most wee-inducing phobia and forced to dance in a studio full of mirrors - now wouldn't THAT have been funny to watch?
After a bit of Crap Ballet 101 Bonky bursts back in and declares all the girls have to let their hair down and put on their "hip-hop clothes". Ever resourceful, Alex has brought her own outfit from episode four:
STOP - model time!
"I was like 'yay, I can show my ghetto-ness now'," gushes Rebecca, as if we haven't all already seen it.
She then dubs herself "Reblacka" and pretends to be Beyonce for the rest of the class. The equal and exact opposite of Reblacka is Demelza, who attempts a few failed booty shakes with what little booty she actually has before shrieking "I AM SO WHITE!" Millions of viewers peer over the sunglasses they have to don to protect themselves from glare damage every time Demelza is on screen and yell "YOU THINK?"
Bonky then moves them on from hip-hop to vogueing, which apparently is now a relic of the ancient past. I mean, granted, nobody actually DOES it anymore, but you'd think the modelettes would have at least HEARD of it.
"Vogueing? I'd never heard of vogueing," bleats Jamie, in a way that makes me feel approximately 53,000 years old.
Ringing any bells?
Anything at all?
Still, last week Jamie couldn't connect the concepts "beaver" and "tampon commercial" so we can probably assume she's not the most socially aware poppet.
Each of the girls has to walk down an imaginary catwalk and "vogue" at the end of it, which is an entirely unremarkable exercise but for this effort from Leiden, which almost makes me spit coffee on my keyboard:
If only Kirstie Clements were here.
Unsurprisingly Bonky doesn't see the artistic merit in the "Pissed off bogan muscling up for a fight" look that Leiden has created on the catwalk, and tells her so, which results in her stalking away for a bit of a cry because she's shit, she doesn't want to be here, she only auditioned for this stupid show cos her friends made her, she wishes she'd just been kicked out before she even entered, and are worms on the menu tonight because she really feels like some. ALAMELA WOULDN'T HAVE CRIED, YOU PUSSY. Tch.
Bonky and his eyebrows send the girls back to the mansion with some homework: choreographing a dance routine that they'll have to do later in the elimination warehouse. This means the next ten minutes of the show are filled with footage of the modelettes flouncing about the house in lycra, and the next ten minutes of my life are filled with the joys of the fast forward button.
Suddenly a million balls explode down the stairs (read that how you will), the modelettes yap on about "bouncing", and then they all arrive at some bar where Pease has finally decided to grace us with his presence. Thank goodness. I'd almost forgotten what he looked like.
Dr Harry Cooper, as it turns out.
Pease tells the modelettes they'll be modelling some Levis jeans in the middle of a nightclub, which is about as classy as it sounds, and not only will they have to impress the client, they'll have to impress him AND Jodhello AND Charlotte. All the girls gasp BECAUSE THIS IS LIKE, SOY TOYTALLY DIFFERENT FROM EVERY SINGLE WEEK... oh hang on, no it isn't.
BUT YES IT IS because they'll also have to impress 250 SYDNEY A LISTERS AND THE MEDIA. There's a lot of "OH MOY GOURD"ing as the girls freak out at this prospect. Poor things, little do they know that all they'll have to do is produce some free plonk and show a bit of boob and they'll have both camps sorted.
Pease then announces he has The Potbelleez organised to play live at the event, which sends Reblacka and the rest of them into hysterics. OH FINE, so a shitty dance band named after an antique stove is COOL but you don't fucking remember VOGUE? Whatevs.
Macy Gray takes some time out from her super busy recording schedule to choreograph the event...
I try to choreograph this dance but I choke...
...which sees them "dancing" in jeans with boys (wasn't that a Drew Barrymore straight-to-dvd movie?).
"I think, cos I've had less life experiences than the other girls, some of the dance moves were a bit more awkward for me," purrs Demelza, while adjusting her "VIRGIN AND PROUD OF IT" shirt and polishing her halo.
WHERE THE HELL HAS THIS GIRL BEEN LIVING?
Here, I think.
"Oh she was so cute, trying to be sexy," giggles Jamie, whose BIG FAT FAKER radar is clearly broken.
Dancing in jeans with boys challenge in a nutshell:
- It's clearly another one of those fancy dress challenges, as the girls have all come as extras from the adult country classic film, Fanny Check These Guns, the boys have all come as Corey Worthington, and the singer from The Potbelleez has come as Alyce from last week's Galliano costume challenge:
Spot the difference.
- Pease says Jamie looks better dancing than walking, and that's what top modelling is all about. Except for those few times when you like, have to walk down a catwalk and stuff.
- Leiden disrespects the jeans. Then, to complete the look, she's rude to a hatstand and thumbs her nose at a floral arrangement.
- Alex comes out in a huge sash that reads MISS TRAILER... which sort of invites us to finish the sentence, and
- The girl in the front row of the audience gets more screen time than anyone.
Alyce and Jamie win for some reason, and are told they get to star in a music video, which provokes a reaction akin to the one I had at the start of the episode when I saw Caris' pink eyeshadow:
"I'm soy, soy excited, I can't believe we're in a film clip," enthuses Alyce, 17, unemployed. Getting a job is SOY EXCITING, isn't it?
But which star's video clip are they to be in? Will they be cosying up to Bernard Fanning for Powderfinger's latest
adult contemporary snoozefest hot track? Jamming with Daniel Johns and Silverchair? Think lower down the musical food chain. Perhaps they'll be draping themselves over Damien Leith's guitar as he dazzles them with his new teeth? No, think even lower. Er, walking down a catwalk to The Potbelleez? No, even lower than that. They'll be in a video clip for Pease's "best mate" SEANY B.
YOU KNOW, Seany B! He was... er... you know, the guy from... um... I think he sang that song that everyone had as a ringtone that time. Hmm. No wonder Pease tells the girls this could be a real catapult for their career - it's likely to catapult them straight out the window of the model mansion into obscurity.
Let's head straight to the film studio, where Seany B has decided to confuse everyone even further as to who he actually is by coming dressed as Jonathan Pease.
Seany B shoot in a nutshell:
- While Alyce, Jamie, Reblacka and Sam get acquainted with the ball of charisma wrapped in Lynx deodorant that is Seany B, the other modelettes have their faces painted green and somehow come off looking like they have the better deal.
- In a scene that may or may not be repeated at some future time in the modelettes' careers, the video director tells the girls to make sure their mouths form "nice big O shapes".
- At one point in the clip, Alyce, Jamie, Reblacka and Sam all don massive dome-shaped helmets. Well, they do say you should wear protective gear WHEN WORKING WITH TOOLS (Zing!).
Alyce demonstrates correct tool handling procedure.
- After the shoot Seany B locks himself in his dressing room with Alyce and Reblacka. It seems he is a Nutrimetics salesman on the side and is trying to sell them some new makeup products, as all we can hear from behind the door is Alyce shrieking "I HATE LIPSTICK!" Poor Seany B, he'll never make it to the top of the pyramid that way.
Sadly we must leave Seany B there, as it's time to head back to the model mansion for a bit of pointless filler before the photo shoot.
This week's pointless filler stars Alex, who reveals she has been secretly feeding the other models fatty foods as an act of sabotage. Well, not secretly FEEDING them, that would be a bit weird. Not to mention difficult - how do you stuff a chocolate pudding into someone's face without them knowing? No, rather she's been purporting to make low calorie meals for everyone but secretly stuffing them full of butter, sugar and cocaine. Ok, maybe not cocaine. But you get my drift.
"I don't even have to suggest it, I just make it, and they eat it and get fat in front of me and I'll winthe competition," she cackles. Somehow, I am reminded of this:
I'll fatten you, my pretties!
Oh Alex. I think I love you again.
The next day all the modelettes arrive at Sun Studios where Pease tells them they'll be doing a photo shoot for Peter Alexander pyjamas. Jamie is happy and sad all at once - this will be good practice for those Harris Scarfe catalogues later in life, but she'd been hoping Sun Studios was a tanning salon. Darn it.
Pyjama shoot in a nutshell:
- Photographer Juli Balla, who is rather like a gorgeous cocktail of Heidi Klum, Darryl Hannah and Phoebe from Friends mixed up with a dash of accent, confuses all the girls by telling them the shoot will be a very complex one that she wants to keep simple.
- Pyjama Pete tells everyone he's going to treat the shoot like a professional one, where he'd usually pay models up to $10,000 a day. Except he's not going to pay them anything. So... it's not really going to be like a professional shoot at all, actually.
- Alyce demonstrates for the second time this episode her tendency to get over excited about anyone who's even vaguely famous, bursting into tears at the prospect of getting to meet Peter Alexander. Better not tell her about next week's Dick Smith challenge then, the girl might hyperventilate.
- Leiden dresses up as a tube of Life Savers draped over a muscle-ripped boy, and somehow manages not to make the whole thing gay.
- For the first time in, ooh, EVER, Caris looks about a million and four dollars, which is quite anachievement when all you're wearing is a pair of $24.99 pyjamas.
- Alex dresses up as a mandarine in Big Bird's old slippers and still manages to look like a girl without a sense of humour.
- "Because Alex's lips are enhanced, they actually only have one look," says Pease, and WHAT THE BLOODY HELL? Enhanced? Apparently the model mansion's own Nigella Lawson regularly gets collagen injections in her lips - not that you'd know, the way she's pursing them together all the time like a premenstrual maths teacher. I have fallen out of love with Alex.
- Juli tells Alyce she's so tense looks like she "swallowed a sword". What with Alex's cooking, that's entirely possible.
- Rebecca manages to show her ghetto-ness for the second time this episode, this time by crawling all over the male models in a hot pink slip and looking like she should be posing under the headline "BARELY LEGAL BABES".
- Pyjama Pete asks Sam to do it topless, and she blows him away. I think we can leave that idea there.
- Demelza manages to utter the phrase "I was the last shoot for the day and both guys were on their knees" without a hint of irony.
Pease tells Jamie to draw on her dancing skills to work more closely with the male models, and is surprised when she whips out some ribbons on sticks and a weighted ball and starts somersaulting around the studio. She DID study callisthenics for 18 years, you know.
Finally, it's time to hit the elimination warehouse or, in my case, the kitchen to make a cup of tea, as Jodhello gives her usual welcome speech that lasts approximately 47 hours and 12 minutes.
"Now... Let's... Get down... To business," blurts Jodhello which, in this case, appears to be those stupid dance routines from earlier in the episode we'd all forgotten about. Oh joy.
Stupid dance routines that we'd all forgotten about in a nutshell:
- Caris and Rebecca do a grand impression of a yoga instruction video produced by two Marcel Marceau impressionists from first year drama school.
- Leiden and Alex wear matching hats, wave their arms about, skip a bit.
- Samantha does the splits followed by a high kick to the judges, and then has Demelza sit on her face, demonstrating many more impressive stunts with a beaver than was witnessed on last week's episode.
- Everyone pretends that this segment has something, ANYTHING to do with modelling, and isn't just a completely obvious pisstake.
Time for photo judging, and therefore, time for another nutshell:
- Pezza whips out his measuring tape and reveals that Reblacka has gained an inch around her hips. She should probably go back to being Rebecca, then.
- Pyjama Pete tells Caris she has a great commercial face, to which she responds by looking like this:
Yes, I can see it now...
He neglects to specify what KIND of commercial though - dishwashing liquid? Bin liners? BRACES REMOVAL SERVICES? Of course I jest, as Caris looks stunning this week and everyone on the judging panel (myself included as a home judge) has joined the WE LOVE CARIS fan club. I'm handing in my badge as soon as she fucking cries again, though.
- Jamie looks like a stumpy legged callisthenics champion with a muscly bloke stuck to her back. Not sure if that was the look Pyjama Pete was going for, but he got it.
- Alyce looks like RuPaul on the cover of his latest CD single "RUPAUL'S PYJAMA PARTY III". It is later revealed via Pezza and his magic tape measure that she has gained four inches on her arse - RuPaul would be horrified.
- Leiden's photo is, once again, completely awesome and yet once again the judges sing their favourite "You have to do this EVERY week Leiden!" song. Um, I thought she WAS?
- Everyone agrees Alex's lips are disconnected from her face, which probably explains why she did so well in the background of that Seany B filmclip earlier on.
- "Blergh, fatty boom-bah!" shrieks Dawson about Alyce; "I think she's secretly dead," barks Pezza about Rebecca; "YOU CAN'T BE A MODEL WITHOUT BEING BEAUTIFUL!" yelps Juli to no one in particular, and so we roll into elimination mode...
Dawson declares Leiden has a "face like a smacked arse", while Juli says it has "all the bits". I don't think these two concepts should be combined.
"We... have... decided... to up... the stakes..." slurs Jodhello, as I try not to slip into a boredom induced coma.
"Next week... we are taking you... on an exotic... overseas... trip..." she says.
OOOH hands up who's thinking TASMANIA?
"Think... tropical islands..." she continues.
Hmm. New Zealand? Maybe they're going to Burma, I hear there are some pretty good deals there at the moment.
Anyway there are only six plane tickets, meaning TONIGHT WILL BE A DOUBLE EVICTION. Gosh, Alyce and Rebecca better hope they're not flying Jetstar - they're charging more for extra weight these days.
One by one the modelettes are whittled down until there are only three - Jamie, the amazing arse-shaker, Alyce, the amazing expanding arse, and Leiden, the face like a slapped arse.
Click, clack goes the clipboard and the deed is done - Alyce is sent back to the kitchen for some more comfort eating while Jamie and Leiden are made unlikely dance partners to tango out the door and into obscurity.
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