Good evening fellow ANTM lovers, and welcome aboard this week's BC wrap up. This week we will be going to Expensive International Photo Shoot via Boring and Stupid, with a short stopover in Pointless. Please make sure any hate filled comments you might have are carefully stowed in the overhead compartments where they won't bother me. Please also be aware that this is a non smoking wrap-up, except in the cases where my white hot wit has caused your computer screen to burn. And finally, please make sure your seatbelt is fastened, your hair is done and your nails are polished, as we shoot into the stratosphere with a bit of model mathematics.
"There's only six of us left and that's almost like, five, which is almost four, which is almost three, and so on and so on," explains Alyce, certifying her position as the Model Mansion's newest genius.
In other news, Alyce plans to release a range of educational children's toys as soon as she leaves the show.
Mad Photoshopping skillz. I has them.
Just for something different Demollza has a bitch about Alyce and Rebecca, who in turn have been bitching about Alex, who has been making cakes with SHOCK! HORROR! butter and cream in them that SHOCK! HORROR! have caused them to stack on the kilos. And now Alyce can count and everything, she's really pissed off.
Meanwhile, the mansion's very own ugly duckling, Caris, is revelling in her new found status as the "clear-skinned healthy one" next to all of these cake eaters. They all get their own back by reminding her THAT SHE HAS FUCKING BRACES.
I might as well take an in-flight break here to say that apart from the braces and all the crying, I really do like Caris as a model. The camera does something amazing to her face each time she's in a shoot, and it's nothing short of miraculous.
BUT CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL HER HOW TO DO HER FUCKING HAIR?
If I have to see one more shot of her with that bunged-up fringe I'M GOING TO PUNCH SOMETHING. Honestly, you give a girl a celebrity haircut and what does she do? Schoolgirl-ify it, that's what. Sigh.
Anyway back to the eliminaton warehouse courtesy of last week's episode, and the false tears and hysteria over Leiden and Jamie getting the boot are replaced with lots of "OH MOY GOURD"ing when Jodhello announces they'll all be going to Fiji.
And so commences an episode-long advertorial for Virgin Blue, an airline that, for some reason, Demelza feels really at home in.
The girls rock up to meet Pease at the airport with their luggage and an assortment of stuffed teddy bears, because they are ll apprently five years old and can't travel without them. Handily for Rebecca, hers can be used as a very effective stand in on her photo shoots - almost none of the judges can tell the difference!
"WE'RE GOING TO START WORKING IMMEDIATELY," barks Pease, who rather coincidentally is dressed just like a Virgin Blue hostie - is that why he's been M.I.A for the past few episodes? PEASE HAS BEEN MOONLIGHTING AS A VIRGIN. Oops, as a Virgin Blue steward, I meant to say... never mind.
He tells the modelettes that they'll be "working their whole way to Fiji" - wow, for four whole hours? That's more than Alyce, 17, unemployed, has ever worked in her whole life. But as it turns out he doesn't REALLY mean "working" as in "working", he means it more as in "participating in a really crap and pointless challenge to disguise the fact that we're trying to get as much footage of the plane with Virgin Blue logos in shot as possible".
The challenge in question is a catwalk show down the aisle of the plane, which sounds even more glamorous than their "dancing in jeans" catwalk show last week. It isn't.
"I can't evensee what I'm doing," squeals Rebecca as all the girls struggle to slap some colour on their face in the back row of the Boeing.
"My makeup looks like shit," moans Caris, as if that's anything new.
May I remind you?
Then Alex says HOLY CRAP! What the bloody hell is that?
Stand back, she has Clearasil and she's not afraid to use it!
Can we PLEASE stop having footage of the models in their natural state? I'm beginning to lose faith in the entire television industry.
All of the passengers on Virgin Blue flight DJ14CAN'TYOUJUSTLETMEFLYINPEACEFORFUCK'SSAKE pretend to look enthusiastic as six girls in bad kaftans and sad straw hats with badly applied makeup flounce down the aisle, blocking their only passage to the toilets and holding up the dinner service.
"Alyce made it look cheap, she was fooling around and looking silly, she didn't understand the essence of what she was meant to be doing," moans Pease.
Hmm. As much as being forced to squeeze past pensioners in matching parachute tracksuits crammed into economy class for four hours straight SOUNDS expensive, I'm not exactly sure whether Alyce was entirely to blame for this stunt looking a tad cheap, Peasey.
And congratulations to the mole in seat 13F, who is the recipient of this week's BC Bad Acting Award:
So I just turn my head like this and pretend to look interested, yeah? I am getting paid for this, right?
"Fiji's soy beautiful, there's just like, little huts everywhere!" enthuses Alyce once they've landed, checking out the third world class accommodation on offer to the native islanders. I secretly hope that the modelettes will be made to do a homestay in a coconut husk-roofed hut while they're in Fiji, and see how beautiful they think it is then.
"OH MOY GOURD A BIG COW!" she shouts. The way she's pointing not at Demelza but out the window of the car at an ACTUAL cow suggests her proposed BARNYARD FUN WITH ALYCE! children's DVD may have some educational merit after all. (Sadly, the adult version of that DVD is still being legalled).
After seeing such remarkable sights as a cow ("THAT'S SOOOY COOL!"), some strategically placed Fijian children ("THEY'RE SOOOY CUUUUUUTE!") and a beach ("IT'S SOOOOY BEAUTIFUL!") the girls arrive at their resort and are greeted by the Official Fijian Welcoming Committee (OFWC) whose job it is to travel around the island accosting newcomers and singing at them while throwing floral wreaths in their general direction.
What a coincidence - not only is it Demelza's first trip overseas, it's her first lei too. Aww.
The modelettes are shuffled off to their private villa where they're met with a table full of delicious looking canapes and a bucket of Veuve Clicquot.
Please excuse me for a moment.
OH MOY GOURD I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY'RE WASTING FRENCH CHAMPAGNE ON THIS BUNCH OF TEENAGE SCRAGS!
Given Rebecca is the type to think lambrusco is the height of exotic and glamorous drinking, splashing Veuve all over the place would seem to be SLIGHTLY unnecessary. However, a few glasses of champers make Demelza's reading of the girls' Jodhi mail even more hilarious, so it's not all wasted. Although perhaps we can forgive her for thinking Louise Berliawsky Nevelson is a bloke called Lewis, as her name is only on the Jodhi Mail because she's listed in THE MONSTER BOOK OF TOP QUOTES under the topic "polishing" and no one has ever heard of her. (Apparently she's a Ukranian-born American abstract artist, by the way).
"You will need to shine like gold to win tomorrow's challenge," she continues, which sends all the modelettes into a hysterical brainstorming session ("THEY'RE GOING TO PAINT US GOLD!", "WE'RE GOING TO BE WEARING GOLD!", "GOLD GOLD GOLD GOLD!") all of which seems totally unecessary given that none of the models seems to have heard of pressed powder and so are shiny 97% of the time anyway.
Adbreak adbreak adbreak, and then in swans Pease, who has clearly been up all night rehearsing for the resort's talent night as he's still wearing the costume for his Max Headroom impression:
Spot the difference.
Obviously Rebecca is somehow involved in the act as well:
Pease can drink a glass of water and make her talk at the same time.
He tells them they'll be doing a shoot for "City" (and they're on a tropical island, how appropriate) with a photographer who's just come back from shooting Jessica Alba. Sadly not ACTUALLY shooting her, just photographing her.
City shoot in a nutshell:
- Before the shoot begins the photographer gives a quick demonstration on how not to model, and still does a better job than Alyce.
- Alex gives a very long winded description of the dress she has to wear, despite the fact that IT'S TELEVISION AND, LIKE, WE CAN ALL SEE IT, just to prove she knows the word "bodice".
- Pease tells Alex her lips need to be elastic. Will collagen do?
- Pease spits "Would you ever stand on a pole like THAT - grasping it like it's some phallic object?" at Alyce, leaving her wondering a) just how one is supposed to stand ON a pole without falling off it and b) what "phallic" means.
- In what is an unprecedented event, Alyce is told to stop thinking so much.
- Demelza does her shoot on a bench, which she describes as a "broken boat". Given she described a beaver as "women's compartment" a few weeks ago I am beginning to think she might be creating her own language, in which "five year old girl voice" means "sexy" and "Because you'd hidden, in a way, like, the way you were feeling, we probably couldn't understand what was happening, and it did go too far, and it, like, did go to the extent where you like, got really really upset, and I just want you to know that I do feel really badly for that, and I don't want you to feel that way again" means "sorry".
- The photographer describes Demelza's body as being like "a V8". Yes, as Spinal Tap would say, "with mudflaps".
- The first thing Pease does on Rebecca's shoot is remove her protective head scarf, which is a pity as her stuffed teddy stand-in is nowhere to be found.
I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!
- "She can't expect me to pump her up every time, she's got to come inflated," blurts Pease, who is either commenting on Rebecca's lacklustre performance or reading from his recent letter of complaint to Real Dolls Inc.
- For once, Samantha's big, black eyebrows are outdone by the big, black rings under her eyes. The total effect is rather like that of a public service announcement about domestic violence. This is doubled when the photographer claims he feels "raped" after shooting her.
- Caris crows about doing 15 minutes on the treadmill, Pease laughs in her face, she cries, I officially hand in my I LOVE CARIS badge.
At the end of all of this fun and hijinx Caris wins a video camera and a day in the spa with Alex for some reason. Millions of teenage boys across the nation hope the two prizes will be combined in some creative way, but alas, all we get is another 10 minutes of dull filler splicing footage of Caris and Alex having their feet rubbed and exclaiming "Wow, this is so great" with footage of all the losers cleaning the resort as punishment and going "Wow, this really sucks".
Although the teenage boys are rewarded with this particular shot:
They're BEST friends...
which may or may not be a lost artwork from Bill Henson's latest exhibition, and we do get to meet Fiji's answer to Napoleon Perdis in the resort's day spa...
Spot the difference
...and we learn that Rebecca looks much more naturalistic as a staff member in the resort's laundry than she does as a glamour model:
Which we all sort of thought was the case anyway.
So it's not an entire waste of a segment.
The models are then put in a boat ("It was my first boat ride," mews Demelza - I know she's only 16, but HAS THIS GIRL BEEN ANYWHERE OR DONE ANYTHING IN HER LIFE?) and sent off to an island for a bikini shoot for some swimwear company I've forgotten the name of... Hmm... What was it again? I think it might have been TIGERLILY, TIGERLILY, TIGERLILYTIGERLILYTIGERLILY. VIRGIN BLUE.
"There was this island just for us, completely uninhabited," gushes Alex, as the modelettes step off the boat onto a 3m x 3m patch of sand in the middle of the ocean. TOTALLY. UNINHABITED.
That is except for Pease and some blond guy, who the modelettes intelligently surmise might be the photographer.
"The person who takes the worst photograph today is kissing this competition goodbye," says Pease, who is clearly in training for Fox 8's new gameshow STATING THE BLOODY OBVIOUS.
"If I don't do well, then I guess I'm going home," says Caris, who will obviously give Pease a run for his money on that show.
"OH MOY GOURD, WHAT'S THAT! IS THAT A PLANE?!" shriek all the modelettes, turning and pointing at the open ocean, over which one of the editors has spliced in footage of what is obviously a plane landing in water with Jodhello stumbling out of it, earning everyone another round of BC Bad Acting Awards.
"A Tigerlily girl is confident, fit, sexy and knows what she wants, that is your brief," spews Jodhello.
Despite this being the most generic description ever, Caris coos over how helpful it is to have a brief. Yes, I suppose it is much easier to model when you know you have to portray "fit", "sexy" and "confident" as opposed to all those confusing brief-less shoots where you might be tempted to show "fat", "repulsive" and "self conscious".
Bikini shoot in a nut...HOLY HELL WHAT IS THAT?
Given that this image was accompanied by a horrendous, breathy "haaaaaaaaah" noise on the soundtrack, I very nearly wet myself in fear when this popped up. I know I make this comparison quite a lot, but seriously:
Right, now we're all awak: bikini shoot in a nutshell:
- Jodhello makes Rebecca squat in the sand and spread her legs and then barks "NOT TOO OVERTLY SEXY!". She shouldn't have worried - due to Rebecca's complete lack of facial expression, she is outshone by a piece of nearby seaweed.
- For the first time in, ooh, EVER, Samantha looks smoking hot, as opposed to someone who's been up all night smoking. Could she be a contender?
- Jodhello searches through Tigerlily's back catalogue to find the single one piece she designed in 1998 for Caris to wear. Caris celebrates by bingeing on a packet of donuts, doing 10 minutes on the treadmill and crying.
- Despite being the only modelette to wear a one piece, Caris delivers the sexiest shoot of them all courtesy of her wandering right nipple (and, it must be said, the most useless bathing suit ever designed, JODHI). "The shot could easily have turned into a sexy kind of trite shot very quickly," says the photographer. Fortunately, it stayed as a kind of "underage softcore porn shot" instead.
- Demelza confuses the shoot for an instructional video on how to do up a string bikini, and spends the first five minutes showing everyone how to tie a bow.
Alyce confuses the instruction "Be very chilled out" for "Stand as if you've got a broomstick up your bum". Unsurprisingly, this does not result in a great shoot.
"I think everyone's safe, it's such an even playing field because everyone did so well today," blahs Rebecca outside the elimination warehouse, in an example of what is known as FORESHADOWING.
As is her custom, Jodhello introduces the judges: a curiously quiet Dawson, a bored looking Pezza, some former model no one has ever mentioned before who seems to have nothing to do with anything and the only person who can make any sort of informed comment on anything this episode, the bikini photographer. The only person, that is, apart from ME.
Picture bitch in a nutshell:
- Samantha looks completely gorgeous and strikingly dark-circle free, which leads me to think there's someone out there with even MADDER Photoshop skillz than me. Props to you, whoever you are.
- Rebecca's photo causes Dawson to repeatedly bang her head on the desk in frustration. Her facial expression remains unchanged.
- For some reason everyone thinks this:
is the most BEEYOOOTIFUL photo in the entire universe, rather than what it really is - the centrefold in EXTRA TERRESTRIAL MONTHLY.
- "I can't even quite explain the level of ordinariness this picture has - it's kind of like you're about to meander over to the buffet at a party," says Pezza of Alyce's first effort, in what is possibly the best quote of the entire series so far.
- Dawson accuses Alyce of giving up, at which Alyce tries to fake cry but can't get any tears happening... so gives up.
- Jodhello tells Alex she "nailed the brief" with her bikini shot, despite the fact that you can't actually SEE the bikini in it.
- Dawson declares Caris a "sexy bitch on the beach", Pezza tells her she's going to be a movie star one day (so, not a model then?) and the tog says she's just like Halle Berry. Except not as black.
- Jodhello says Alex has lips like a South Park character, which prompts Dawson to give us her best Cartman impression:
- Pezza calls Rebecca "a lump" and wonders whether she's actually alive, which isn't quite as good as when he called her "a moose" but it's still pretty inventive as far as insults go.
Clipboard, clipboard, clipboard, walk, walk, walk, blah, blah, blah - and suddenly we're down to two. It's Ol' Stick Up The Bum versus The Lump, and in a completely unsurprising eviction it's Moosey Q. Lumpston the Walking Dead who gets the boot. Bye, Rebecca! Don't pull a face or the wind will change and it will... oh wait...
Thank you for flying with BC Airways. We do hope you enjoyed your wrap up.
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