Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Australia's Next Top Model Wrap Up: Episode Eight

Just for something different, this week's episode starts with a flashback to last week's elimination. All the way back seven days. Back when the models were younger, prettier, and a little less world-weary. And shorter, apparently - is it any wonder Alyce has been in the bottom two already with stature like this?

Yo shawty, it's yer birthday...

Someone give the girl an award - she's possibly the only person in the world who could act her height instead of her age and come off younger.

But as we all know it wasn't Alyce the Madonna look alike who left us last week (tell me you see it too), it was our very own Beyonce wannabe, Reblacka. As Alyce explains:

"I was really shocked, really overwhelmed, really happy. Heaps."


Moving on to the first Jodhi mail of the week, which this time around has come in a box. No, really. I know, I could hardly contain my excitement either.

"I didn't want to open it, in case some kind of creature came out," yelps Caris, who obviously sees much more potential in the box than I do.

Clearly the producers have blown what little budget they had on that pointless trip to Fiji, as it turns out the contents of the box are far less exciting than even I could have imagined - a bunch of T shirts with words on them.

Not these words, though.

The Jodhi mail invites the girls to put them on and stand in a row to form a sentence, an activity that will no doubt be highly intellectually taxing given that there are only five girls left and thus, only five words to arrange. Caris proves her superior intelligence by only taking five minutes to work out that the words KNOW FASHION TO YOUR PREPARE can be rearranged to spell THIS IS A BASIC PUZZLE YOU MORON, DON'T GET EXCITED ABOUT SOLVING IT.

All of this is leading up to some sort of challenge (as if that one wasn't enough) in which the girls will have to show whether they know their "fringe" from their "high fashion". This should prove extra challenging for Caris, who hasn't been able to understand her fringe since the series began:


Suddenly Jodhello's feet appear on the stairs, closely followed by the rest of her (pity that - it would have given me no end of joy to hear the modelettes screaming at the sight of a pair of disembodied feet stalking down the staircase) and some bloke called Fernando, which means I get to make ABBA jokes for at least three paragraphs. Mamma Mia!

Apparently Fernando is an "all round guru" when it comes to fashion, which you can tell by the way he's dressed in a baggy Target T shirt and a vest he borrowed from the concierge on the way in. But let's face it, the girls have been sending out a fashion SOS ever since this show started so it was only a matter of time before the ANTM producers would get some money money money together and ring ring in an expert to clean them up. But has Fernando met his Waterloo in this motley crew?

(Thank you.)

"Whose iz ziss? VAT iz ziss?" snarls Fernando, holding up what looks like your nanna's shower curtain but is actually one of Demelza's dresses.

"And vat are zeez? Vy iz zey yours?" he spits, dangling a pair of high heels straight from the back of your crazy aunty's spare room wardrobe in Demelza's face.

The verdict is clear, according to Fernando - Demelza's mother has been stocking her wardrobe for her. Exhibits A and B would certainly seem to suggest that. Time to get the girl down to Supre and get her into some tight jeand and a GOOD GIRLS GO TO HEAVEN - BAD GIRLS GO DOWNUNDER T shirt. (You think I'm joking, don't you?)


(Thank you.)

This is best summed up in Fernando Quotes, or "Quotandos" as I like to call them. Apart from this pearler about Alex...

"I think the shoes iz a leeetle beet too lezbian. Choo know, choo need to be able to mix it up."

...all of the best Quotandos are about Caris who, it is agreed, has about as much fashion sense as Britney Spears on a Doritos and coke binge.

"Ohhh, Caris needs seriooos, seriooos mak-over. She doz-a NAT a have-a style."

"Ze bag iz wrowng. Ze singlet iz wrowng. Ze glasses iz wrowng. Absolutely everyfing iz wrowng."

"Her cloz zat she wears iz OFFAL. She has absolutely no style whatsoever."

After all this verbal abuse, he puts a different shirt on her, swaps her handbag and calls her Christmas, which is a damn sight more than he does for Jodhello, who appears to be wearing a dusty, second hand 1960s print from the garage sale up the road.

I'll give you 50c for it.

With all of five minutes intense fashion training under their size XS belts, the modelettes are packed off to the Vogue offices to meet Baroness Von Scaryface, otherwise known as Kirstie Clements, to prove how much they know about the industry.

Hmm. Somehow the following images come to mind:

I don't know why.

Put those images on a couple of T shirts and see if the models can work it out.

"I didn't even know you could just like, GO to Vogue," enthuses Caris, who obviously previously thought Vogue was produced by aliens in the outer reaches of the galaxy. Er, not so far wrong there, actually...

Pease Porridge meets them at the gate and beams them up to the mothership, where Captain Clements is holding court on the stardeck. Her office is doing a very good impression of Meryl Streep's office in The Devil Wears Prada, with various LV encrusted bags and PRADA shirts strewn around like so much confetti. What do you mean that film was just fiction? We ALL know that's how fashion editors work - stubbing their cigarettes out in stray Manolo Blahniks and wiping sushi from the corners of their mouths with last season's Versace shirts. AND DON'T TRY TO TELL US OTHERWISE.

"I'd like to know what you think high end fashion is," she snips.

The girls react as though she's just asked them all to explain the process of nuclear fission. If their faces could be explained in one, single picture, it would be this one:

Sam valiantly has a stab at it by burbling "Um, um um um, is it more a sort of couture kind of thing? Am I completely off? Ok I'm completely um.. um..." which, not surprisingly, doesn't have Clements bouncing off the walls with delight.

The Captain then tells them all that "high fashion" is the work of the best and most original minds in the business, which is quite different from MY definition - fashion that only makes sense if YOU are high:

Woah man, how do they get her hat to stay on like that>

She asks them to name their favourite designers - Alex namedrops about 10 while Demelza spews "GUCCI!", not realising that Gucci isn't actually a person (or at least, hasn't been for about 50 years).

On to the third question of the sudden death fashion quiz, which is to state what Vogue means in the world of fashion.

"Forefront?" ventures Alex, who is so nervous she's forgotten to include a verb and subject in her hastily constructed sentence of one word.

She then gears up a notch and throws out a few more words like "health", "beauty", "hot" and "cool" and somehow ends up impressing both Pease and Captain Clements, who appears to have gotten in her Tardis and relocated to inside Cirque Du Soleil's costume wardrobe.

So magical.

With that thrilling segment over, we head off to some company called Krites (the only reason I know this is because I received a press release last week screaming "KRITES IS ON TOP MODEL, DON'T MISS IT!" as if that was the most interesting part of the show)(although to be honest, at this point, they're actually a front runner) where Pease Porridge greets them in a natty referee's outfit. Ooh Pease, you've been playing dress ups again!

Also present are Captain Clements of the Vogueship Enterprise, Fernando Waterloo and Kate Waterhouse who apparently now identifies herself as David Jones' "racewear ambassador". No, seriously, that's her job title. I wonder if Australia's racewear ambassador could be employed in our peacekeeping missions in Iraq?

The perfect thing for those fine fillies of the armed forces. Comes with optional matching handbag.

And with a sudden and mysterious "I'm giving you four minutes on my whistle!" from Pease, we're off and running in tonight's next stupid challenge - showing how quickly you can get dressed for hypothetical B list events.

In a nutshell:

  • Caris hears "dress for the opening of a funky new bar" as "dress as an extra from Schindler's List". Or possibly "dress as though you are going to paint your house". Or maybe even "dress like you're being punished by fashion".

Whoever created this dress should resign immediately and become Amish.

  • Alyce dresses up as an Oscar, possibly for "Most Unflattering Outfit". Honestly, there are guys out there actually CALLED Oscar who would look better in this gold chainmail monstrosity.

  • Baroness Von Voguenberg points out Alyce's rather unsubtle weight gain, prompting Pease to bark "ALYCE NO LONGER MAKES CLOTHES LOOK GOOD!" Put THAT on a T shirt, why don't you.

  • Alyce hears "dress for the races" as "dress for a night at the opera as Tim Burton's drag queen half brother" and, unsurprisingly, doesn't impress the racewear ambassador. Or Von Voguenberg, who almost requires paramedic assistance at the sight of a pair of pants. ON RACE DAY. Pants. At the races. I mean, what the HELL, DUDE? What year is this, 2008?

  • QUOTANDO TIME: "For me everyone at the races failed, really. I didn't know that no one rilly won, but Demelza was the less bad one." You said it, meester.

  • The modelettes waste three more minutes of my precious time by running around a room hanging various outfits up on racks underneath names of... God, just typing that sentence bores me.

  • Pease declares Sam the "dumbest of them all" when she fails to correctly identify a bunch of models on magazine covers. Funny, in my world that's called COMPLETELY NORMAL.

Mirror, mirror on the wall...

Due to her ability to put on a dress without looking like a complete fuckwit, Demelza wins the challenge and ropes Alyce into the highly dubious prize of a weekend on a $5 million boat with Wayne Cooper.

"I don't look up to Wayne Cooper, and I've never bought something of his, but it's the winning versing losing thing for me," mews Alex. We're not quite sure what loss she's referring to - losing the fashion challenge to Demelza, or losing her command of the English language.

"I was given nothing to work with. I CAN'T EXCEL WHEN I'VE BEEN GIVEN BULLSHIT!" she cries.

Which is probably how this woman feels too.

The winning couple get on another Virgin Blue advertisement to the Gold Coast to meet Wayne Cooper (this is not him), who turns up to meet them in his mid life crisis fancy blue sports car. For the billionth time this series Alyce once again displays her tragic suck-up-to-eanyone-even-vaguely-famous reflex and nearly breaks down in hysterics when she sees him. It's about this time that I realise Alyce strongly resembles Demelza's half retarded little sister.

"Hi Wayne, this is my sister Alyce, she's 'special'."

And so begins the creepiest segment of the episode, in which an ageing cockney fashion designer zooms aways with two teenage girls in the back of his sports car with plans to wine and dine them on his boat. Did NO ONE at Foxtel headquarters think this might come across, I dunno, A TOUCH INAPPROPRIATE?

Oh wait, now that I think about it...

Isn't Kristy Hinze hosting Australian Project Runway over on Arena? I guess it's ok then.

"I've never been on anything like that in my life!" blathers Demelza. We hope she's talking about the boat.

The next five minutes of my life are wasted watching Wayne Cooper apples-and-pearsing and frog-and-toading it up for the cameras, while Alyce and Demelza try to be his new best friends by making jokes he doesn't listen to and starting conversations he's not interested in. The highlight comes when they go back to their penthouse apartment on the 66th floor, and Demelza discovers what it's like to actually BE above everyone else, instead of just believing she is.

"The view was to DIE for," enthuses Demelza as she hangs out a window. For a second I think we may actually get to see some real high fashion as she plummets 66 floors down, but alas, she keeps her balance and runs back inside for the obligatory "we're crazy young girls living crazy young lives" jumping on the bed routine with Alyce. Oh well.

Cue tedious makeover montage, from which Demelza emerges as a 40 year old Vegas showgirl:

"I used to smoke Lucky Strike..."

Not to be outdone, Alyce decides on "serious head injury victim" as her persona for the night, and starts with randomly identifying parts of the hotel room.

"There's a TABLE, with lots of CHAIRS..." she says, while Demelza pats her head and says "Good girl, good girl," and wonders when her carers are coming to pick her up.

They go to some boring red carpet event, embarrass themselves at some boring dinner thing, and then it's off to some beach with the rest of the modelettes for some boring photo shoot. Yawn. Is this episode over yet?

Of course not! It's not over until Pease wears a pair of stupid sungla... oh wait.

Is it just me, or does the girl on the left look embarrassed to be seen with these two?

Hmm, it seems this stupid sunglasses disease is spreading - Pease has already claimed the girl on the right as his first victim. Fortunately it hasn't gotten to any of our models ye... OH NO!

Spot the difference.

Anyhoo, this is a shoot for some magazine called Cod or Prawn or Whitebait or something, which I assume is some sort of specialist sport fishing newsletter in which the girls will have to demonstrate the latest sinkers, lures and rods.

As it turns out, it's Oyster magazine, which has nothing to do with fishing OR eating fish, which is doubly disappointing. I'm not sure how much it actually has to do with fashion either, to be honest, judging by the outfits the modelettes have to wear and the resulting photos we see at the end of the show. But anyway, charging ahead...

Oyster photo shoot in a nutshell oystershell:

  • Pease praises Alex for her new "serene" look, which is exactly the same as her "angry" look, but with gauze over the camera lens.

  • Demelza is made to wear a yellow singlet, white ruffled skirt and tennis shoes and is forced to lie on the ground and only move her chin, which makes her look rather like a promotional mascot for a chicken shop that's been run over on a street corner. Somehow, this is fashion.

  • Caris wears a dress that has more facial expressions than she does:


  • Sam does really well and stuff and is therefore boring.

  • Alyce teams a tiara with brogues and no underwear, and goes rock climbing. Somehow, this is fashion too.

  • Demelza asks Sam for advice on how to look more mean in her photos. Later, she looks up "irony" in the dictionary and finds a picture of herself.

Pease hands over $100 to each of the modelettes and sends them off ON YET ANOTHER FUCKING CHALLENGE. ARGH. How about each of US sends YOU $100, Pease, and we cut back on the god damn challenges? Don't these girls have any motivation to do anything on their own, without a script, EVER?

Anyhoo, this time, they must each buy an outfit for elimination that demonstrates "fringe" or "high fashion". Does anyone remember learning what "fringe fashion" actually was? No, I didn't think so. If I were them I'd buy this:

Well it's got fringes ON it.

Or something like this, and claim to be a Fringe performer:

SHE CAN TWIRL FIRE TOO. They can ALWAYS twirl fire.

Anyway, let's just thank the lord for small mercies and be happy that the editors chose not to include any footage of the girls ACTUALLY shopping, because LORD KNOWS how riveting that would have been ("See, I bought this pair of shoes in black, but Demelza bought them in maroon, and...")

So, how far does $100 go in the world of fashion these days? Not very far, as it turns out.

At least Samantha looks unhappy about it.

Alyce looks like a petri dish from a 1968 fashion experiment crossing paisley with LSD, Demelza looks like she was all set to run off on a camping trip before she forgot she actually had to go and work at the rodeo that day and got half changed to suit, while Alex and Caris look like they've stepped straight off the pages of WHOLESOME TEENAGER MONTHLY 1988. Samantha just looks unhappy, and so she should.

Onto the picture bitch:

  • Alex looks at her photo and says "I like it, but you can't really see my face." BECAUSE is the word you're looking for dear, BECAUSE you can't see my face.

  • Oyster girl says Alyce's photo shoot was more like an FHM shoot than a high fashion one. Maybe give her a bra next time, then.

  • Caris and her dress pull exactly the same face, freak out everyone within a five km radius.

  • Oyster girl says Demelza's body shape is weird, but neglects to mention how. Third leg? Webbed feet? Scales? COME ON, WE KNOW SHE'S AN ALIEN, JUST ADMIT IT.

  • Sam expresses concern that her vaguely ethnic looking hair, skin and eyes might hold her back from winning the competition, to which Dawson spouts off a whoile lot of crap about Naomi Campbell. Quelle the fuck? I must have missed the episode when Sam became a black woman.

And suddenly it's that time again: "The name of the girl I don't call out must leave the competition immediately," barks Jodhello. So... she has to give up her name? But SHE can stay, right? Or... hang on, this is all too confusing.

Let's just move right along to our final two, who this week is Always In The Bottom Two Alyce, and Can't Believe I've Lasted This Long Caris. Blah blah blah, clipboard clipboard clipboard, and it's Buh-Bye to our little starstruck, pyjama wearing donut muncher, Alyce. Everyone struggles to look upset, particularly Demelza who is already applying Sam's techniques on how to look more mean. For the first time ever, Caris doesn't cry. Although she might when she gets back to the mansion and sees the tasteful note Alyce has left on the wall:

So I guess a career in journalism isn't out of the question?

Now, get on over to Jo Blogs while the margaritas are still cold.


  1. Oh, Pet.
    If loving choo is wrowng, then I don't wanna be white.

    And it's "Sheeps to the Butcher", right? Right? What do I win?

  2. Your biggest ex-pat fan here - thought it was high time I expressed my appreciation for the weekly updates, made even more special by the fact that I get them 8 1/2 hours earlier than youse Aussies (loike, sort of).

    Often wish you could be here for Britain's Next Top Model - oh the mockery you and Jo would make of the mingers over here... the mixture of stiff upper lips (most requiring regular waxing), deranged cockney accents and the English dental system makes for the sort of priceless car crash television that has come to epitomise Next Top Model globally. My personal favourite BNT Modeller this season is a toothy young lass named Aaron... yep, Aaron... told you you'd like it.

    Excitedly anticipating and dreading in equal measure the count down to the big finale - and hoping for a round up of another home-grown favourite when the off-ratings season starts!

  3. and here I was thinking that Tania Zaetta was the Australian racewear amabassador in Iraq!
    Another fantastic recap thanks.

  4. I need the Westpac rescue helicopter to land and on my roof and collect me NOW. Best yet - but I have been staring helplessly dribbling with hysteria over the blinking poodle image.

  5. Petstarr, I adore you.
    The gif with Caris and the dress with a face was genius.

  6. Hey is that my yellow envelope you used as a prop Petstarr? Hmmphh
    Seriously funny. That blinking dress reminded me of Chinese New Year in Gouger St.

  7. Mister ChristerJune 11, 2008 3:54 pm

    what the FUCK is up with Caris' facial expressions when she gets rewarded with something?

    It makes me cringe how forced and put on it is. Her little cheesy headshake like "OH MY GOD I WON??!!".

    When she was in the bottom two tonight and got called out over Alyce, it was the worst ive EVER seen. She literally pulled a shocked face like 10 seconds after the result had actually been said. It was like she forgot to do it, but then went "SHIT, I BETTER TRY ACT SURPRISED SO I SEEM HUMBLE" and whipped out the facial way late.

    someone uppercut the bitch please.

  8. fernando's 'lesbian/doc martin' comment made me laugh, then get mortally offended, then wish for a pair of docs so i could kick in his head in a dyketastic way. then i laughed again.
    highlight of the episode, really.
    brilliant recap, as always! makes me harbour dreams of appearing on the next season, just to see me in a recap. which is kind of sad.

  9. Upon close inspection the freaky fringe-performing fire twirler bears an uncanny resemblance to Kirsty Clements...

  10. Love your work.. Sadly, I don't really want any of them to win. But if Demelza could lose I'd be grateful.

  11. Could someone check: there were two Wayne Cooper dresses displayed on the bed for the girls to wear to the do that night: one was blue, which Demelza wore - and the other was, I thought, beige. Yet Alyce turned up in some black caped shocker that made her - and Demelza - look like a middle-aged extra from Dynasty. What happened to the original dress? Was she too fat to wear it, hmmm?

  12. Anonymous - Wow, you know, I think you're right. Pictorial evidence:

    Dresses donated by Wayne Cooper and Dresses worn by the modelettes.

    Maybe she WAS too fat to fit the beige one?