Just like Alexandra’s parents, you send her off on a modelling contest and hope Charlotte Dawson accidentally eats her. Or that a friendly bogan at the local pub eats her, which very nearly happens this episode - but more on that later.
We rejoin the models at last week’s eviction of... er, who was it again? Oh yeah, Kamila. Or “Car-milla” as Alla-mella pronounces it. Point of interest – Alamela’s new BC nickname is Porcelain Nutcase, as coined by the enthusiastic ANTM chatters over on Television Without Pity. I likes it, so I’s stealin’ it.
Leiden declares Kamila’s ousting has reminded her that she’s in a competition (perhaps they should put up a few signs around the model mansion to help these girls remember what they’re there for) (and what their names are, and which way is left and right, and what it means when the little hand is on the 12 and the big hand is on...)
Back at model mansion, some random blonde has brought the girls a present, which causes them all to squeal and flap their arms about like seagulls who have just discovered an untended pile of chips on the beach. Shouldn’t somebody warn them about blondes bearing gifts?
The girls open up their box in the backyard and moths fly out. Gosh, after only one week? Oh no wait, it’s a bunch of butterflies. Or birds, if you’re Rebecca.
“Bec didn’t really like the butterflies because she doesn’t like birds and she thought they were like miniature birds, cos they flap their wings,” says Kristy. Sometimes I don't even have to make this shit up.
Alyce reads out the latest Jodhi Mail, which is all about transformation and change and metamorphosis. “I’VE READ KAAAAFKAAAA!” shrieks Alexandra, and starts doing her best cockroach impression in order to get a headstart on the next challenge. Surprisingly, nothing about her changes much.
The models get out some calculators and textas and butchers paper, and slowly put all of these incredibly cryptic clues together, and eventually after an hour or two come to the conclusion that THEY’RE GOING TO GET MAKEOVERS, OMG!!1111! THAT WAS TOYTALLY UNEXPECTED AND STUFF!
They’re met at the salon by Jodhello, who appears to be wearing a Tuff Stuff garbage bag dressed up with some natty buttons, and Pease Porridge, who is obviously about to audition for the role of Vince Vaughan’s sidekick in the sequel to Swingers, Swingers 2: Too Swingin’.
Jodhello tells them models with bad hair is her pet peeve. (Alexandra says hers is spilling her chai latte on her Kafka, Alamela says hers is having her personality software crash on boot up, while Leiden’s is having her burping sessions interrupted by a fart). Jodhello tells the girls they’ll have to get to understand the difference between a great haircut and “model hair”, so clearly the two are mutually exclusive.
Makeover in a nutshell: On the way from bogan brunette to token platinum blonde, Leiden passes through a funny little town called EGG YOLK VILLE;
Demelza gets a hairdo that allows her to put her hair up or down, and Pease crows about how VERSATILE it is, while Demelza shows how versatile SHE is by bitching about everybody else in equal measure; Rebecca is told to “think Naomi Campbell” and miraculously DOESN’T throw a mobile phone at Alexandra; Jaime gets blonde hair extensions and inches ever closer to modelling dressing gowns in the Harris Scarfe catalogue; Pease forgets which country he lives in and yells “FED EX IT, MATE!” when Belinda says her contact lenses are still on their way from home, and some questions are raised about Caris’ upbringing when she begins to cry over her hair colour, which apparently reminds her of her childhood. Alamela ends up with a severe bob that makes her look like the evil spawn of Chucky and Strawberry Shortcake; everyone waits for Alexandra to have a tanty and she promptly obliges, wanking on about how she’s “already done” her look before and it’s “a step back, where I used to be, as opposed to a step forward with a new look”. She proves this later on at the model mansion by showing us photos from LIKE, A WHOLE YEAR AGO, when she had a somewhat similar cut, and then calls her boyfriend to cry about it. Alexandra’s boyfriend displays distinctly questionable sexuality by actually remembering what her hair looked like a year ago.
“I am sure my new hair will help me as a model, as I have been given this hair for that purpose,” blurts Alamela.
“I will now make a cup of tea, as I have been given a teabag and mug for that purpose,” Alamela the Teabot continues, rolling off screen with her lights blinking while Pease settles back, waiting, with an Anzac biscuit.
Pease tells them all they’ll soon be strutting their stuff on a “very special catwalk”. I hope against hope that it will be a catwalk made of REAL CATS, which they’ll have to negotiate to avoid being scratched or sprayed, but as it turns out it’s just a normal catwalk surrounded by a bunch of horny sailors. Yawn, could have seen that one coming.
Just to deviate from ANTM for a second here, but as we’re constantly bombarded with that bloody tampon commercial with the beaver in it about 57 million times in every ad break, I feel I need to say something. Who exactly was it that decided that the best way to sell tampons to women would be to equate their nether regions with a furry woodland animal? And not only that, but to suggest that women are so in touch with themselves that they like to hang out with their aforementioned furry nether regions on the weekends and give them presents? I GET THE JOKE, beaver, got it, hilarious, but for goodness sake, IT’S A TAMPON, not a SPECIAL TREAT. Apart from which everyone knows the only people who agonise over what tampons to buy and what wrapping they come in are 13 year old girls who’ve just started their period and think they need to accessorise it. For the rest of us, it’s as important as deciding what brand of bandaids to buy to keep in the kitchen drawer. Right, moving on.
Back on the docks, and the girls are met by Dawson, who looks as though her jacket vomited pink silk down the rest of her body, and Pease, who looks completely unremarkable (better than covered in silk vomit I suppose) and are swiftly turned via makeup, hair and fishnet stockings into dockside hookers for the brief pleasure of 100 or so sailors from the HMAS Melbourne.
Not content with just looking like a slapper, Alex has to act the part too, bailing up Pease for round two of “I’ve had this hairdo before”.
“I’VE DONE THIS LOOK, I NEED TO MOVE ON!” she shrieks in his face, seemingly oblivious to the fact that she’s clearly been rocking the “petulant little bitch” look for quite some time without any problems.
What about two black eyes and a makeup sponge stuffed in your mouth, have you done THAT look yet? Ghd styling iron up the date? Army boot in face, how about THAT look? All can be arranged, I’m sure.
Pease hands out some new knickers to everyone and reminds them to put them on UNDER their clothing. Seriously, he does. As it turns out this advice is useless, as all of the models spend most of their 30 seconds on the catwalk showing their arses to the sailors.
Jordan (aka Squinty McSquinterson) and Sophie (aka That Girl Wot Didn’t Win) from ANTM3 take time out from their busy schedule of DOING BUGGER ALL to attend the parade. Notable in her absence is Alice, who’s probably off, like, earning money or something unimportant. Present front and centre, however, are Jodhi’s two girls – hello ladies! Wonder if she’s taking them out to lunch later and buying them a present of a new bra.
All in all the parade is a fairly embarrassing spectacle – a bunch of 30 something sailors hooting and hollering at a bunch of nearly naked teenagers in fishnets, winking from both sets of eyes. The camera flicks over the crowd and we notice the one awkward looking female sailor. If I was easily outraged I’d say something about the sheer inappropriateness of getting 16 year old girls to flash their knickers at men old enough to be their fathers. Oh wait, didn’t I just go off my head about a tampon ad? Hmm, never mind.
We are then told the “sailors’ choice” was Demelza, despite the fact that she thundered around the catwalk like she had a jet engine strapped to her new knickers. Sadly for her, this means nothing in the world of fashion. Pease says it’s no real surprise and declares her performance “smutty”. Yeah Demelza, next time you’re parading for cheering men in your jocks, try and make it classy, will ya? Somehow Alexandra is named the winner of the catwalk challenge, despite her having A TOTALLY ONE YEAR OLD HAIRDO, MANG!!11!1
As a prize, Alex and Demelza go on an $11,000 shopping spree. I’ll just repeat that: an $11,000 shopping spree! And it’s a good thing too because Alex appears to have nothing to wear but her grandmother’s washing day frock from 1953. And despite already rocking her current hairdo A WHOLE YEAR AGO she seems to have no idea how to style it, so the total effect is something like a mental patient who’s escaped from the institution’s laundry block.
I prefer the model on the left.
“The others are going to be so jealous,” says Demelza, while Alyce and Rebecca back at home start tipping her entire wardrobe into the garbage chute. Don’t think they will be actually, Demelza.
Back at home, and Demelza and Alex present the girls with a bag of clothes they’ve thoughtfully set aside for them on their $11,000 shopping spree – ie: the shit they bought by accident and don’t actually like. It contains three tops and one skirt. To be shared between 10 girls. Alyce and Rebecca quietly head to the garbage chute to explore further clothing options.
Next day the girls head off to a photo shoot for Napoleon Perdis. Apparently this year’s winner of ANTM will get to be the new face of Napoleon (well they can’t use HIS, can they?)
Despite scoring $11,000 worth of clothes, Alex has turned up in a pair of cut off denim hotpants and a hypercolour t shirt she borrowed from her younger brother.
Belinda is rather taken aback by Napoleon, saying she expected be “some kind of tiny, weedy little man”. HAS SHE NEVER SEEN THIS SHOW, EVER? Maybe she’s just got more of a grip on history than we thought and honestly thought she was meeting the REAL Napoleon.
But I thought he was some fat Greek guy?
“To be honest, you are starting to bore me,” says Pease to Samantha, in what is now officially THIS EPISODE’S TOP QUOTE! Hurrah for Pease!
“Boring? He doesn’t see me enough to know how boring I really am,” says Samantha, putting the smackdown on Pease and stealing the Top Quote Crown.
Napoleon shoot in a nutshell: the water pouring down on Alex’s head flattens her hair and makes her enormous huge SUPER hobbit ears look even bigger; Kirsty is declared “not the face of my brand” so basically doesn’t have a hope in hell of winning this competition ever; Pease looks like a cricketer in his baggy green; Pease tries to make Leiden’s female side bigger, which ends with Leiden yelling “I can’t do sexy for shit, and if I do it’s like I’m going to fuck you but like, kill you after” which sort of proves his point that she doesn’t have one; with all the wetness and the shivering Alamela the Porcelain Nutcase looks like an extra from Titanic. Pease declares her a “stunned mullet” which surprisingly doesn’t seem to fit with the water theme. Napoleon shrieks “I’m getting bored and we’ve only got three minutes to go!”, which should be the quote all of you aspire to use at least once tomorrow; Napoleon implores Demelza to melt, which she confuses for “blink” and ends up looking stoned in 90 per cent of her photos. This possibly explains why she feels so at home locked in the toilets afterwards. When she comes out it appears the Napoleon water shower is still pouring down on her – oh no wait, she’s just crying like a sissy. Wait until she finds out her clothes are in the bin.
Back at the model mansion, it’s Leiden’s birthday, for which she has received “two of the most ugliest dresses” as a present from her family. Alex dives straight in going “MIIIINE!!!”
All the models head to the nearest bar to celebrate and start downing vodka shots and pashing on: Leiden with Samantha in this season’s totally obvious “we’re not gay, we’re just hot and young and crazy” campaign, and Alex with some random bogan in a polo shirt. We suspect that this is also a look she has already DONE BEFORE.
Meanwhile the under agers left at home are studiously baking cakes, blowing up balloons and putting together party bags with a “pirate theme” for everyone to enjoy when they get home. If only the others had known I’m sure they would have come running back to join in the G rated fun. The three tiered cream sponge goes down particularly well when the pack of drunk bogans rolls home and starts throwing it at the walls.
“They threw cake at the Jodhi mail,” mews Demelza, who still obviously hasn’t discovered that HER ENTIRE WARDROBE IS IN THE BIN and there are probably other things worth crying about.
Elimination time, and our fembot army is led down the elimination path by Captain Jodhello, who’s sporting a rather fetching militaristic flak jacket (I would too, with Alex around – not to mention that model who can shoot bullets out of her nipples). Is Alex wearing Leiden’s birthday dress? Snaps to me!
Photo judging in a nutshell: Kristy has a feral mouth, Alex looks like she’s going to punch someone, Samantha looks like she’s got two black eyes (possibly from Alex), and Napoleon criticises Demelza’s eyes for not being able to draw, which seems a bit harsh.
“Why are you wearing glasses??” demands Napoleon of Belinda. Um, because SHE CAN’T FUCKING SEE WITHOUT THEM, IDIOT.
Leiden sees her photo and breaks down crying, which is sort of how we all feel, really. Emma looks completely wonked and Caris’ face looks like it’s become infected with something – it’s about this time we start to question the efficacy of Napoleon’s make up.
“I don’t know that beauty’s going to be your thing,” Jodhello says to Alamela, confidently taking the Top Quote tiara from Samantha for this episode.
“I hate the way she’s so fake,” says Napoleon of Alyce, without a hint of irony.
SO not fake.
“There’s emotion there, I can see a smart girl there,” he continues, looking at Alex’s picture, which basically ensures she’ll get “caught” reading Kafka at least one more time this season.
Dawson calls for Demelza to go (thank goodness for some sense – the girl has pug dog eyes), Perry says Leiden looks like Frankenstein and hasn’t done anything amazing (so maybe next week she should do a magic trick) (or she could just try wearing Alyce’s high waisted jeans, which in the off season are used by Sydney city council as a tarp when repainting the Harbor Bridge), Dawson brands Alyce a “snarly mouthed monster” and Napoleon brands her fake again, Belinda is told to get contact lenses and whimpers that she tried but her mum got her the wrong prescription, at which Pease shouts from off set “FED EX THEM, BABY! YEE HAW!”
In the end it comes down to Kristy and Belinda, so if Belinda gets kicked out we can clearly blame her mother for getting the wrong prescription done. Then Jodhello rds from the clipboard of death – and it’s unanimous. It’s Kristy.
“I’m sorry darling,” says Jodhi.
“SO FAKE!” yells Napoleon.
Now that you're finished reading me, go over and read my mate Jo's hilarious ANTM wrap up: at jo-joblogs.blogspot.com. You know, when she ever gets around to posting it.