RuPaul's Drag Race season 8 recaps

The shadiest Drag Race recaps on the web. Get ready to death drop, queens!

The Bachelorette Australia recaps

One woman, 14 desperate men, mucho LOLs. Oh, and Osher Gunsberg.

The Bachelor Australia recaps

Sequins, spray tans and sex - it's season 3 of the world's stupidest dating show.

RuPaul's Drag Race Season 7 recaps

YASS, HUNTIES! Every episode of season seven recapped for your reading pleasure. Let's get sickening!

Saturday, May 31, 2008

I'm with the band

Ever dreamed of being in a band? Me too. That's why when I found this post on a random bulletin board I got very excited indeed. For those who don't want to click:

GET A BAND, DEBUT ALBUM AND COVER ART IN SECONDS:

1 - Go to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random. The first random Wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2 - Go to Random quotations: http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3. The last four words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.

3 - Go to flickr's "explore the last seven days" http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/. Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

Put it all together, that's your debut album.


So fans, say hello to your new favourite band TENNESSEE STATE ROUTE 18, with their hot new album So Little Useless Information. I think the cover is pretty great, too:


What band are you in? Leave your info in the comments. Maybe you can play support for us one time.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Australia's Next Top Model Wrap Up: Episode Six

After many many download hours and megabytes, installing of software, gnashing of teeth and frantic calls to I.T support I finally bring you this, the most laboured over ANTM wrap up the BC has ever presented that probably ultimately wasn't worth it at all.

Once again, we kick off the episode with some flashbackery to last week, when our dear little robomodel Alamela was unceremoniously wheeled out of the model mansion, LEDs a-flashing.

"Without wanting to sound like, harsh, I would have liked to have seen Alamela go," mews Demelza, forgetting the fact that um, like, Alamela actually DID go.


"I would also have liked to have learned the past conditional tense at school..."


"Friendship-wise, that was somebody that I wasn't going to miss as much," she continues, as the whole of Australia slaps its head and shrieks "NO FUCKING SHIT".

Then Caris says HOLY CRAP, WHAT THE HELL?


Yes, she is still in the running to become Australia's Next Top Model.


Who the fuck knows WHAT Caris says - with that eyeshadow on she could be telling me I'd won $20 million in the lotto and a 48 hour orgy with Jack White, Jake Gyllenhaal and Josh Brolin with free vodka cocktails included and I'd still be screaming "GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME, IT'S CONTAMINATED!!"

We head back to the model mansion, which appears to have been broken into yet again, this time by the cast of the Coonabarabran Theatre Guild's production of Footloose. Apart from fart-arseing about like a bunch of lycra-clad idiots, their purpose is to deliver a Jodhi mail. I pray that the mail will have nothing whatsoever to do with dance and it will all have been a delicious nonsequitur, but they rather like obvious segues in ANTM land, and so it turns out to be an obvious segue into the modelettes learning how to dance in order to learn "the rhythm of the industry".

"Oh good," chirps Jamie, who apparently has studied callisthenics for 18 years.

Strangely enough, having studied the whitest form of dance possible doesn't actually help Jamie when it comes to performing in a hip-hop video, as we shall see later.

And with a burst of flamenco music (where is Pease? Isn't that his theme song?)(actually where the hell IS Pease? Has he been MIA for like, three episodes or what?) the modelettes are whisked off to a latin dance studio with a really obvious sign conveniently hung right above their front door in the centre of the shot.

Suddenly, BOOM! The curtains blast open and they're being danced at again, this time by a couple of ninjas! Fuck! Maybe the lesson to be learned this episode is TO BE READY TO DANCE AT ANY TIME. You could be just casually walking down the street and POW! TANGO! Or putting your feet up for a night of telly, tea and toast when BAM! FOXTROT! It's the Top Model equivalent of The Scouts: BE PREPARED - TO DANCE.

"Hi girls I'm Kane Bonky and..."

Er, did he just say his name was Kane Bonky? Yes, yes he did.

Bonky then announces that he's a Sydney based choreographer who has previously been a dancing penguin, so perhaps we should all be thankful he chose his human suit to turn up in today. Or maybe not.


Is he related to Samantha? I'm just saying...


His helpful sidekick, Ninja2, then explains to the models that dance is "all about movement", just in case any of them thought it was about sitting on the couch and eating chips while watching House re runs.

"The connection between modelling and dance is really, really important," she continues, in an attempt to justify this entire pointless segment for the home viewer. Silly Ninja2. Who needs to justify five minutes of Leiden in a tutu? That shit justifies itself.



Obviously Alamela bequeathed her chipset and half her motherboard to Leiden before she left, as our favourite blonde bogan spins around the room like a dragged up C3P0 on crack. Actually, if you dyed her hair black and put her in leather she'd do a very passable impression of Edward Scissorhands. Leiden dressed up as her most wee-inducing phobia and forced to dance in a studio full of mirrors - now wouldn't THAT have been funny to watch?

After a bit of Crap Ballet 101 Bonky bursts back in and declares all the girls have to let their hair down and put on their "hip-hop clothes". Ever resourceful, Alex has brought her own outfit from episode four:


STOP - model time!


"I was like 'yay, I can show my ghetto-ness now'," gushes Rebecca, as if we haven't all already seen it.

She then dubs herself "Reblacka" and pretends to be Beyonce for the rest of the class. The equal and exact opposite of Reblacka is Demelza, who attempts a few failed booty shakes with what little booty she actually has before shrieking "I AM SO WHITE!" Millions of viewers peer over the sunglasses they have to don to protect themselves from glare damage every time Demelza is on screen and yell "YOU THINK?"

Bonky then moves them on from hip-hop to vogueing, which apparently is now a relic of the ancient past. I mean, granted, nobody actually DOES it anymore, but you'd think the modelettes would have at least HEARD of it.

"Vogueing? I'd never heard of vogueing," bleats Jamie, in a way that makes me feel approximately 53,000 years old.


Um, HELLO?



Ringing any bells?



Anything at all?


Still, last week Jamie couldn't connect the concepts "beaver" and "tampon commercial" so we can probably assume she's not the most socially aware poppet.

Each of the girls has to walk down an imaginary catwalk and "vogue" at the end of it, which is an entirely unremarkable exercise but for this effort from Leiden, which almost makes me spit coffee on my keyboard:


If only Kirstie Clements were here.

Unsurprisingly Bonky doesn't see the artistic merit in the "Pissed off bogan muscling up for a fight" look that Leiden has created on the catwalk, and tells her so, which results in her stalking away for a bit of a cry because she's shit, she doesn't want to be here, she only auditioned for this stupid show cos her friends made her, she wishes she'd just been kicked out before she even entered, and are worms on the menu tonight because she really feels like some. ALAMELA WOULDN'T HAVE CRIED, YOU PUSSY. Tch.

Bonky and his eyebrows send the girls back to the mansion with some homework: choreographing a dance routine that they'll have to do later in the elimination warehouse. This means the next ten minutes of the show are filled with footage of the modelettes flouncing about the house in lycra, and the next ten minutes of my life are filled with the joys of the fast forward button.

Suddenly a million balls explode down the stairs (read that how you will), the modelettes yap on about "bouncing", and then they all arrive at some bar where Pease has finally decided to grace us with his presence. Thank goodness. I'd almost forgotten what he looked like.


Dr Harry Cooper, as it turns out.


Pease tells the modelettes they'll be modelling some Levis jeans in the middle of a nightclub, which is about as classy as it sounds, and not only will they have to impress the client, they'll have to impress him AND Jodhello AND Charlotte. All the girls gasp BECAUSE THIS IS LIKE, SOY TOYTALLY DIFFERENT FROM EVERY SINGLE WEEK... oh hang on, no it isn't.

BUT YES IT IS because they'll also have to impress 250 SYDNEY A LISTERS AND THE MEDIA. There's a lot of "OH MOY GOURD"ing as the girls freak out at this prospect. Poor things, little do they know that all they'll have to do is produce some free plonk and show a bit of boob and they'll have both camps sorted.

Pease then announces he has The Potbelleez organised to play live at the event, which sends Reblacka and the rest of them into hysterics. OH FINE, so a shitty dance band named after an antique stove is COOL but you don't fucking remember VOGUE? Whatevs.

Macy Gray takes some time out from her super busy recording schedule to choreograph the event...


I try to choreograph this dance but I choke...


...which sees them "dancing" in jeans with boys (wasn't that a Drew Barrymore straight-to-dvd movie?).

"I think, cos I've had less life experiences than the other girls, some of the dance moves were a bit more awkward for me," purrs Demelza, while adjusting her "VIRGIN AND PROUD OF IT" shirt and polishing her halo.

WHERE THE HELL HAS THIS GIRL BEEN LIVING?


Here, I think.


"Oh she was so cute, trying to be sexy," giggles Jamie, whose BIG FAT FAKER radar is clearly broken.

Dancing in jeans with boys challenge in a nutshell:

  • It's clearly another one of those fancy dress challenges, as the girls have all come as extras from the adult country classic film, Fanny Check These Guns, the boys have all come as Corey Worthington, and the singer from The Potbelleez has come as Alyce from last week's Galliano costume challenge:



Spot the difference.


  • Pease says Jamie looks better dancing than walking, and that's what top modelling is all about. Except for those few times when you like, have to walk down a catwalk and stuff.



  • Leiden disrespects the jeans. Then, to complete the look, she's rude to a hatstand and thumbs her nose at a floral arrangement.



  • Alex comes out in a huge sash that reads MISS TRAILER... which sort of invites us to finish the sentence, and



  • The girl in the front row of the audience gets more screen time than anyone.



Hello DAHHHHLING!


Alyce and Jamie win for some reason, and are told they get to star in a music video, which provokes a reaction akin to the one I had at the start of the episode when I saw Caris' pink eyeshadow:


"I'm soy, soy excited, I can't believe we're in a film clip," enthuses Alyce, 17, unemployed. Getting a job is SOY EXCITING, isn't it?

But which star's video clip are they to be in? Will they be cosying up to Bernard Fanning for Powderfinger's latest adult contemporary snoozefest hot track? Jamming with Daniel Johns and Silverchair? Think lower down the musical food chain. Perhaps they'll be draping themselves over Damien Leith's guitar as he dazzles them with his new teeth? No, think even lower. Er, walking down a catwalk to The Potbelleez? No, even lower than that. They'll be in a video clip for Pease's "best mate" SEANY B.

Who?

YOU KNOW, Seany B! He was... er... you know, the guy from... um... I think he sang that song that everyone had as a ringtone that time. Hmm. No wonder Pease tells the girls this could be a real catapult for their career - it's likely to catapult them straight out the window of the model mansion into obscurity.

Let's head straight to the film studio, where Seany B has decided to confuse everyone even further as to who he actually is by coming dressed as Jonathan Pease.

Seany B shoot in a nutshell:

  • While Alyce, Jamie, Reblacka and Sam get acquainted with the ball of charisma wrapped in Lynx deodorant that is Seany B, the other modelettes have their faces painted green and somehow come off looking like they have the better deal.



  • In a scene that may or may not be repeated at some future time in the modelettes' careers, the video director tells the girls to make sure their mouths form "nice big O shapes".



  • At one point in the clip, Alyce, Jamie, Reblacka and Sam all don massive dome-shaped helmets. Well, they do say you should wear protective gear WHEN WORKING WITH TOOLS (Zing!).



Alyce demonstrates correct tool handling procedure.


  • After the shoot Seany B locks himself in his dressing room with Alyce and Reblacka. It seems he is a Nutrimetics salesman on the side and is trying to sell them some new makeup products, as all we can hear from behind the door is Alyce shrieking "I HATE LIPSTICK!" Poor Seany B, he'll never make it to the top of the pyramid that way.


Sadly we must leave Seany B there, as it's time to head back to the model mansion for a bit of pointless filler before the photo shoot.

This week's pointless filler stars Alex, who reveals she has been secretly feeding the other models fatty foods as an act of sabotage. Well, not secretly FEEDING them, that would be a bit weird. Not to mention difficult - how do you stuff a chocolate pudding into someone's face without them knowing? No, rather she's been purporting to make low calorie meals for everyone but secretly stuffing them full of butter, sugar and cocaine. Ok, maybe not cocaine. But you get my drift.

"I don't even have to suggest it, I just make it, and they eat it and get fat in front of me and I'll winthe competition," she cackles. Somehow, I am reminded of this:


I'll fatten you, my pretties!


Oh Alex. I think I love you again.

The next day all the modelettes arrive at Sun Studios where Pease tells them they'll be doing a photo shoot for Peter Alexander pyjamas. Jamie is happy and sad all at once - this will be good practice for those Harris Scarfe catalogues later in life, but she'd been hoping Sun Studios was a tanning salon. Darn it.

Pyjama shoot in a nutshell:

  • Photographer Juli Balla, who is rather like a gorgeous cocktail of Heidi Klum, Darryl Hannah and Phoebe from Friends mixed up with a dash of accent, confuses all the girls by telling them the shoot will be a very complex one that she wants to keep simple.



  • Pyjama Pete tells everyone he's going to treat the shoot like a professional one, where he'd usually pay models up to $10,000 a day. Except he's not going to pay them anything. So... it's not really going to be like a professional shoot at all, actually.



  • Alyce demonstrates for the second time this episode her tendency to get over excited about anyone who's even vaguely famous, bursting into tears at the prospect of getting to meet Peter Alexander. Better not tell her about next week's Dick Smith challenge then, the girl might hyperventilate.


  • Leiden dresses up as a tube of Life Savers draped over a muscle-ripped boy, and somehow manages not to make the whole thing gay.



  • For the first time in, ooh, EVER, Caris looks about a million and four dollars, which is quite anachievement when all you're wearing is a pair of $24.99 pyjamas.



  • Alex dresses up as a mandarine in Big Bird's old slippers and still manages to look like a girl without a sense of humour.



  • "Because Alex's lips are enhanced, they actually only have one look," says Pease, and WHAT THE BLOODY HELL? Enhanced? Apparently the model mansion's own Nigella Lawson regularly gets collagen injections in her lips - not that you'd know, the way she's pursing them together all the time like a premenstrual maths teacher. I have fallen out of love with Alex.



  • Juli tells Alyce she's so tense looks like she "swallowed a sword". What with Alex's cooking, that's entirely possible.



  • Rebecca manages to show her ghetto-ness for the second time this episode, this time by crawling all over the male models in a hot pink slip and looking like she should be posing under the headline "BARELY LEGAL BABES".



  • Pyjama Pete asks Sam to do it topless, and she blows him away. I think we can leave that idea there.



  • Pease tells Jamie to draw on her dancing skills to work more closely with the male models, and is surprised when she whips out some ribbons on sticks and a weighted ball and starts somersaulting around the studio. She DID study callisthenics for 18 years, you know.


  • Demelza manages to utter the phrase "I was the last shoot for the day and both guys were on their knees" without a hint of irony.


Finally, it's time to hit the elimination warehouse or, in my case, the kitchen to make a cup of tea, as Jodhello gives her usual welcome speech that lasts approximately 47 hours and 12 minutes.

"Now... Let's... Get down... To business," blurts Jodhello which, in this case, appears to be those stupid dance routines from earlier in the episode we'd all forgotten about. Oh joy.

Stupid dance routines that we'd all forgotten about in a nutshell:

  • Caris and Rebecca do a grand impression of a yoga instruction video produced by two Marcel Marceau impressionists from first year drama school.



  • Leiden and Alex wear matching hats, wave their arms about, skip a bit.



  • Samantha does the splits followed by a high kick to the judges, and then has Demelza sit on her face, demonstrating many more impressive stunts with a beaver than was witnessed on last week's episode.



  • Everyone pretends that this segment has something, ANYTHING to do with modelling, and isn't just a completely obvious pisstake.


Time for photo judging, and therefore, time for another nutshell:

  • Pezza whips out his measuring tape and reveals that Reblacka has gained an inch around her hips. She should probably go back to being Rebecca, then.



  • Pyjama Pete tells Caris she has a great commercial face, to which she responds by looking like this:


    Yes, I can see it now...

    He neglects to specify what KIND of commercial though - dishwashing liquid? Bin liners? BRACES REMOVAL SERVICES? Of course I jest, as Caris looks stunning this week and everyone on the judging panel (myself included as a home judge) has joined the WE LOVE CARIS fan club. I'm handing in my badge as soon as she fucking cries again, though.



  • Jamie looks like a stumpy legged callisthenics champion with a muscly bloke stuck to her back. Not sure if that was the look Pyjama Pete was going for, but he got it.



  • Alyce looks like RuPaul on the cover of his latest CD single "RUPAUL'S PYJAMA PARTY III". It is later revealed via Pezza and his magic tape measure that she has gained four inches on her arse - RuPaul would be horrified.



  • Leiden's photo is, once again, completely awesome and yet once again the judges sing their favourite "You have to do this EVERY week Leiden!" song. Um, I thought she WAS?



  • Everyone agrees Alex's lips are disconnected from her face, which probably explains why she did so well in the background of that Seany B filmclip earlier on.



  • Dawson declares Leiden has a "face like a smacked arse", while Juli says it has "all the bits". I don't think these two concepts should be combined.


  • "Blergh, fatty boom-bah!" shrieks Dawson about Alyce; "I think she's secretly dead," barks Pezza about Rebecca; "YOU CAN'T BE A MODEL WITHOUT BEING BEAUTIFUL!" yelps Juli to no one in particular, and so we roll into elimination mode...


"We... have... decided... to up... the stakes..." slurs Jodhello, as I try not to slip into a boredom induced coma.

"Next week... we are taking you... on an exotic... overseas... trip..." she says.

OOOH hands up who's thinking TASMANIA?

"Think... tropical islands..." she continues.

Hmm. New Zealand? Maybe they're going to Burma, I hear there are some pretty good deals there at the moment.

Anyway there are only six plane tickets, meaning TONIGHT WILL BE A DOUBLE EVICTION. Gosh, Alyce and Rebecca better hope they're not flying Jetstar - they're charging more for extra weight these days.

One by one the modelettes are whittled down until there are only three - Jamie, the amazing arse-shaker, Alyce, the amazing expanding arse, and Leiden, the face like a slapped arse.

Click, clack goes the clipboard and the deed is done - Alyce is sent back to the kitchen for some more comfort eating while Jamie and Leiden are made unlikely dance partners to tango out the door and into obscurity.

Don't forget to check out Jo Blogs.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

You wouldn't read about it

Update, Thursday May 29, 8am:

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!! I am making Lovely Liz the official Queen of the Internet, as thanks to her I now have a hot, steaming downloaded copy of episode 6. Hurrah! Of course, now I have to go to work, so you'll all have to wait until tonight to get your wrap up. Dammit.

x

------------------------------------------
I HAVE GIVEN UP ON WAITING FOR ANYONE TO UPLOAD EPISODE 6 TO YOU TUBE.

Had I waited one more minute, I might have done something drastic and insane like eat an entire bag of flour or shave the dog.

Fortunately a lovely BC commenter called Liz invited me to join the exclusive TV Torrent community, so I am presently downloading my very first ever bit torrent of ANTM episode 6!

Seems like the perfect time for me to reach my monthly download limit and have my ADSL shaped to a 64k connection, wouldn't you say? I would. Which is why this download is going to take me about 16 hours as opposed to the usual 15 minutes.

As Gordon would say:


FOR FUCK'S SAKE!


This episode better be fucking good.

Assuming everything goes to plan (which we know it won't) you'll have your wrap up on Friday.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

ANTM advance warning II

Dear, loyal BCites and ANTM devotees: I'm sorry to say that once again this week my episode wrap up will be late, due to...

a) Foxtel not sending me DVDs anymore (thanks guys, no really, thanks)


b) my mother's VCR having shat itself


c) me being too poor to actually afford Foxtel at my own abode and


d) me being absolutely, completely stuffed after my second ever workout in six months (I really don't remember it being THIS hard)


...all of which basically adds up to me having to wait until Wednesday to watch the episode on YouTube.


But... that's... so... sad...


I'M SOY SORRY. In the meantime, feel free to add your own hilarious episode 6 related zingers in the comments! Or head over to Jo Blogs who'll be wrapping everything up for your reading pleasure well before me.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Australia's Next Top Model Wrap Up: Episode Five

For those of you who may have missed last week's episode, and all of the earnest newspaper articles it spawned, here's a brief rundown:


Alamela got sad


Jodhi got angry


Bitches got a slap on the wrist


Of course, there's always Demelza Von Scragface's version of events, which goes something like: "Yeah, but no, but yeah, but no, but yeah, but I DIDN'T EVEN TOUCH HER OR NUFFINK AND SHE STARTED IT ANYWAY JUST ASK ALYCE but don't talk to Rebecca cos she's a big fat bitch and a lezzo too I know cos I seen her down behind the bike sheds with Leiden and that."


HONEST.


Demelza also wins the inagural Bland Canyon MOST PISS POOR APOLOGY OF THE YEAR AWARD for this effort:

"Because you'd hidden, in a way, like, the way you were feeling, we probably couldn't understand what was happening, and it did go too far, and it, like, did go to the extent where you like, got really really upset, and I just want you to know that I do feel really badly for that, and I don't want you to feel that way again."


Bitch, PLEASE. You poured water on her head and punished her solidly for weeks. The word you're looking for is SORRY.


Demelza's apology went something like this.


We move on to scene two, in which the models head to the local bakery for their daily mid morning routine of eating pastry and cake and other such foods no one else in the universe can eat without getting fat. Alex gets a "large soy mocha" to sip in the corner while wearing a beret and discussing existentialism as regards milk products and the human condition but her plans to catch up on looking cool reading Kafka are thwarted when a motorbike rocks up bearing a huge Jodhi Mail saying something about selling stuff.

The models show off their superior intelligence by surmising that this probably means they'll have to be in a commercial. See, not just pretty faces!


Or in this case, not even.


Suddenly Pease Porridge appears on the street, naked. Whoops no, sorry, my mistake. He appears on the street IN FRONT OF Naked, which is some sort of wanky company that uses words like "branding" and "positive image reinforcement" and "systematified marketation" (I made that last one up, but you get my point). He craps on about jeans for a while, the models pretend to know what he's talking about, I pretend to be interested, then realise I'm not actually there and so don't have to bother, and we fast forward to the next segment which involves all of the models trapped in a little room with butchers paper and textas writing down words that describe themselves.

Of course, Demelza merrily scrawls down things like LOVING, GENEROUS and FUN, failing to add the obvious MEAN, RUDE, ARSEHOLE and BITCHFACE (I'm not sure those last two are adjectives, but hey, one of the models wrote down "PASHONATE" so I don't really think it's a big deal).

Alamela's the modelbot's Grammar and Spelling software crashes, causing her to write down "INTELEGANT" instead of "intelligent". Fortunately her irony software is still working though, as her alarm goes off straight away and she has to reset it.

As if all of this mastery of the English language isn't enough of a challenge, it's time for this week's first challenge: Name a fashion label you identify with, make a collage that represents it, and then dress up in character as one of their models. In a nutshell:

  • Leiden reduces Vivienne Westwood to some Sex Pistols lyrics, a badly drawn Union Jack and a worse cockney accent than Dick Van Dyke and is hailed as a genius. Suddenly I understand why everyone makes such a fuss over Keira Knightley.



  • Alamela shows how well she knows Chanel by explaining to everyone how Nicole Kidman's involvement in their recent ad campaign really lifted the brand's profile. For some reason, no one bursts out laughing. That happens later, when she puts on a string of fake pearls, grabs a nanna handbag and pretends to be French. (Although I have to admit she's 333 diferent kind of awesome when she laughs and sparkles "Men? Men are interesting creatures. I enjoy them.")



  • Demelza causes a mass fashion freak out by describing Gucci as "luxe" and "feminine" but leaving out "sexy". Pease describes this as a "schoolgirl error", which is kind of funny because DEMELZA IS A FUCKING SCHOOLGIRL.



  • The sum total of Alyce's effort to embody Galliano is putting on a red jacket. Pease gives her an opportunity to redeem herself by asking her what her character would drink. "Beer?" Sigh.



You fucking idiot.


  • Pease's hopes of Demelza showing how SEXY Gucci is are raised when she says her character would spend most of her time "in bed", and are dashed almost immediately when she continues "...recovering from a long night out." Clearly she was meant to say "banging my brains out with my latest male model conquest", but somehow that would seem inappropriate coming from a 16 year old, so perhaps it's best she's just a really crap actress.



  • Caris varies her "crying every episode" routine by doing it in a stupid hat this time.



Send in... the clowns...


Moving right along, and the girls are shuffled off to a HIGHLY GLAMOROUS and TOTALLY SOPHISTICATED photo shoot set in the STUNNING SURROUNDS of the Foxtel car park.

"Walking into the car park was exciting, because - what are you going to do in a car park?" says Alamela. Faintly in the background we can hear Mink screaming something...

Clearly it's another one of those fancy dress fashion shoots, as Dawson has come as Oscar the Grouch...


I'll admit it's a tad obscure.


...and the photographer has come as Guy Sebastian:


Hey, isn't he married now?


He tells them they have to pose with a car. In groups. It really IS that interesting. Blatant Ford Fiesta product placement photo shoot in a nutshell:

  • Samantha stuns everybody by complaining about her outfit, her hair, the shoot, the other models, the car and Chloe, and not ONCE mentioning her massive eyebrows. THAT is inner strength, ladies and gentlemen. Inner strength or blindness, I'm not sure.



  • The fancy dress theme continues, with Jamie dressing up as a seagull, Alamela as a schoolgirl at her formal in 1993, and Alyce as a French prostitute from the Widjimorphup Players' production of Les Miserables.




What do you mean "What does this have to do with Ford?"


  • Alamela bemoans the fact that it's hard to "connect with the car". The problem is solved, however, when Dawson breaks the jumper leads out of the boot and hooks her mainframe up to the battery.



  • Leiden grabs a wheel in an effort to "look like part of the car", but ends up looking more like a dominatrix in bondage gear changing a tyre on the side of the road for her prim, horse-riding, lesbian client.



  • Alyce does a grand impression of Frodo Baggins:



One hairstyle to rule them all.




Ho ho ho.


  • Demelza drapes herself over the bonnet and manages to obscure half of the car with her MASSIVE, ENORMOUS, GIGANTIC thighs, a sight which causes another fashion freak out, this time from Dawson.



Run, don't walk from THE BLOB.


  • Rebecca slaps on a black satin corset and a suspender belt and somehow still manages to show less than Samantha, who mistakes "Chloe" for "Britney" and shows everyone her cha-cha. This prompts Dawson to come out with the quote of the episode (and possibly the entire season): "I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOUR PERSONAL FIESTA, HONEY!" This is outdone shortly afterwards, when she spews "There were so many thighs splayed on that Fiesta - three bored broads lying on a Ford." Why Ford don't take this up as their international marketing slogan is beyond me.


Leiden is praised for her bondage mechanic act and her group wins a trip to Brisbane to model the "winter range" of Holeproof underwear in the middle of a department store to midday shoppers (ie: the old, the fat and the unemployed). I hope against hope that the "winter range" comprises thermal vests, 300 denier skin-coloured pantyhose and bedsocks, but it turns out later it's just the usual undies and singlets worn with a scarf. Of course. Anyway, for some reason, the models act as though they've just been told they all get to sleep with Johnny Depp, except for Leiden, who as we all know has a fear of Edward Scissorhands and so bursts out crying. Probably because she's just heard she's going to Brisbane.

They head back to the model mansion and it appears Jodhello has been taking breaking and entering lessons from Pease 007, as she's sitting on their living room floor reading magazines. Once again the modelettes take a leaf out of the best selling book Overly Enthusiastic Reactions To Not Very Exciting Situations (Or: How to Get Noticed on Reality TV) and promptly freak out. Jodhello tells them they're all going to get a little treat, because they all had a tough week last week.

Excuse. Me.

I believe ALAMELA had a tough week last week, and everyone else got off scott free for being nasty little tarts. AS IF THAT DESERVES A TREAT! I'm about to get all incensed when I realise the treat is actually just parcels from home, so like, who really cares. Samantha, apparently, who continues the spoiled bitchface routine she started last week by crying about only receiving some stupid presents from her mum and like, no letters from her friends or her boyfriend or anything, boo hoo.

Moving right along, and the modelettes head off to NIDA where they will no doubt blitz a half hour acting course, land starring roles in Hollywood blockbusters and be back at the model mansion with an Oscar each before lunch time. Leiden and Alamela can already do accents, come on!

But actually it turns out they'll be starring in a tampon commercial. Close.

An ad exec informs them all they'll be acting "with a prop", and I hope against hope that it's a giant polystyrene uterus they'll have to do a demonstration on. THAT would be a challenge. But no, it's just a stuffed beaver. You know, because BEAVER is a funny word for VAGINA, which automatically makes the AD funny. Well yes, I know we don't use that word here in Australia, but that doesn't MATTER, it's FUNNY in AMERICA, which automatically makes it funny HERE, get it? GET IT?

On a positive note, this does allow the ANTM editors to include 30 seconds of footage of all the modelettes saying "GIANT HAIRY BEAVER" in a sequence reminiscent of this scene from Austin Powers:


It also allows Pease to break out some comedy gold, including such memorable one liners as: "Get familiar with your beaver ladies, you'll really have to work it on set today", "You don't want to break the beaver today, so take care with it" and "Pick up your beaver and let's do it!". Although no one comes close to Demelza who explains the double meaning by blurting "IT'S... WOMEN'S COMPARTMENT!"

Beaver bullshit challenge in a nutshell:

  • Samantha decides to outshine Alamela and Leiden in the bad accent stakes by doing the entire commercial as a retarded American.



  • Leiden does a shocking job of delivering her lines, but pulls off a remarkable impression of the beaver:



Brusha brusha brusha...


  • Still, at least she can successfully pick the packet up off the shelf, unlike Alyce, whose motor skills development seems to have stalled at age four.



  • Jamie does a splendid job of walking, talking, picking up packets and holding her beaver, elevating her from the pyjama pages of the Harris Scarf catalogue to, ooh, say the chick on the Watertanks Are Us commecial.



  • Alamela sets her speech software to 1955 and her facial expression to "friendly but uncomfortable sex ed teacher" and tells us all which tampons to choose for the ultimate care "down thah". I can't help thinking if she'd had that giant uterus to work with she would have done much better.



  • Pease complains that Alamela doesn't have "the diversity a model needs", ignoring the fact that Alice from last year's season couldn't talk on camera to save her life, as demonstrated in episode five, and yet still won the whole entire thing because no one really wants models to talk anyway.



  • The line "Hair, skin, eyes, lips - you put the effort in up there, but what about down there?" doesn't really have the same effect when it's delivered by Caris, who has possibly never put effort into any of those four things ever.



  • Pease decides a tampon commercial is the perfect opportunity for Demelza to display more sex appeal, and forces her to kiss the other prop on set - an embarrassed boy. Strangely enough, an awkward peck on the lips in front of a massive shelf full of tampons doesn't turn out that sexy on film.


Over at the elimination warehouse, and it's clearly time to make a cup of tea, as Jodhello is giving her usual speech about prizes and such in her usual delivery style of "drunk six year old autistic child".

15 minutes later we're back on track, and it's time to get rid of one of these scrags already. Elimination bitch in a nutshell:

  • Peter Morrissey opens his Little Book of Motivational Cliches, turns to page 13 and tells Leiden she doesn't suck, her attitude sucks. Millions of Foxtel viewers who have just seen her woeful tampon commercial beg to differ.



  • Jodhello tells Caris her background in acting really shows. So do her braces. And her conjunctivitis.



  • Alyce delivers every line in the commercial as if it ends in ??!! and so comes off sounding like she's auditioning for The Sopranos - "What the hell, Jodhi!? You're breakin' my balls over here!!??"



  • Jodhello tells Alamela the 1950s sanitary hygiene bot to study the other models in the house to see how a real, live teenage girl acts. You know, all bitchy and catty and mean and stuff. Be more like that. That gets rewarded around here, you know.



  • Dawson declares Jamie "Queen of the beavers". Funny, I thought she did that last week when she told her she'd be sure to get a root in the dress she was modelling. I sense a pattern developing here.



  • "We've seen more beaver this week than Peter Morrissey has seen in a lifetime," quips Dawson. Or that Alex Perry has seen EVER.



  • Pezza and Dawson throw in a few token comments about Demelza being bored, lazy and "coasting by on being pretty" to make up for not thrashing the shit out of her last week. Strangely, the mystery of why Demelza thinks she can cruise through the competition unchecked remains unsolved.



  • Pezza says something about groundhogs. Beavers. Groundhogs. Beavers.


Jodhello reads some names off a clipboard, some modelettes walk down a catwalk, and suddenly we're down to two chicks, neither of whom is Leiden, despite the fact that she has about as much talent for television as Jodhi does.

In a totally random bottom two it's Alyce vs. Alamela, and the axe falls on the robot's side. She sheds a few drops of coolant, waves her goodbyes and gaily rolls out the door on her titanium wheels as the other scrags try to hide their joy at her departure.

If I were a more cynical person, I'd say that perhaps this was a mutual decision made behind the scenes... I'll miss that crafty little robot. Beep beep!

Don't forget to check out Jo Blogs' version of events.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Australia's Next Top Model Wrap Up: Episode Four

As is the usual custom in ANTM land, we begin this week's episode by strapping on our flux capacitor and flashbacking to last week's elimination, where - darn, what was her name again? All I remember is she looked like a fish - got eliminated.

Except it seems the Doc has made a few bad calculations in the Delorean, as we've somehow ended up in a parallel universe where Leiden and Demelza are best friends.


DOC! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!


"I was like, oh shit, if I'm going Demelza is just going to break down in tears," says Leiden, reflecting on her experience in last week's bottom two and, apparently, her bestie status with Demelza.

Excuse me, but WHEN exactly did this happen? Can we have just a BIT of continuity please? Next you'll be telling me Jodhello has handed over the hosting to Dawson, who in turn has adopted Emma as her own personal hatstand (she'd have the perfect personality for that) and Alamela has been granted her wish to become a real live girl. I CAN'T KEEP UP.

"My bedroom is starting to empty now with Karmilla gone, and now Emma's left," says Alamela. One might be tempted to suggest that she is some sort of BAD LUCK CHARM but fortunately for Alamela, her logic software can't compute that idea.

Back at the model mansion and once again the modelettes are sitting around doing bugger all when ALL OF A SUDDEN:


Well excuse me Mr Pease. Next time don't bother to knock or anything. No that's fine, you just burst in here with a flourish of flamenco music and announce "IT'S TIME TO GET TOUGH" just like that, just glide down the stairs all stylish like that and do that sultry thing with your eyes and... gosh that's a nice suit you're wearing... phwooar... AHEM. Where was I?

Ah yes, well apparently it's time for the models to "get tough", which shouldn't be a problem for Leiden, who already enjoys such hobbies as burping and dirtbiking, but may be a problem for girls like Demelza, who thinks that someone buying the same shoes as her is reason enough for a cry. And it seems I'm not the only one excited by Pease's new found dash and derring-do:


He's such a DREAMBOAT!


Sadly, it's the last time he'll be dropping in unannounced for a while, as Pease drops the DEVASTATING news that he'll be leaving the girls ON THEIR OWN until the next photo shoot. OH MOY GOURD!! Er, hang on, what's different about that? I must have missed all the footage of Pease cooking the models dinner every night and plaiting their hair while they talk about boys in their pyjamas. Are they really going to be traumatised by this?

Apparently so, as all of the modelettes immediately erupt into tears and wailing and gnashing of teeth and pulling of hair. Oh no wait, that's just Demelza and Alyce having a scrag fight again, nothing to worry about. And as Pease disappears upstairs (where's he going to hide, the bathroom cabinet?) we move right along to the first challenge of the week, which appears to be the ever popular CATWALK LESSON.

As last year, we meet up with everybody's favourite runway bitch, MINK. Remember her from last season? I do. You'll find her first ANTM appearance here.

Clearly it's another one of those kooky ANTM fancy dress challenges, as Mink has come as Jennifer Grey post nose job, while the stylist dude called Trevor next to her has come as Norman Cook back when Fatboy Slim was still actually popular.


Exhibit A: Mink and Man.




Exhibit B: Norm and Jen.

I think you'll agree their costumes are pretty damn good.

Mink puts everyone in the mood for a party by dropping two names on the floor ("I've worked for designers like Armani and Valentino..." what, in 10 whole years you've only worked with two big names? Tsk tsk) and then announces she's also a hooker. BOOKER, SORRY, booker. I have GOT to get my hearing checked.

She then comes out with the one quote from this episode you should all strive to repeat at least once during your working day tomorrow: "If anyone needs to be impressed today, it's Trevor."


Trevor the stylist is unimpressed.


Impressing Trevor challenge in a nutshell:

  • Mink watches Jamie "Pride of Adelaide" Lee prance down the catwalk and then offers the totally useful piece of advice "You're not blowing me away, OK?". Fortunately Jamie still manages to take home the 2008 Highest Waistband Award for her ridiculous pants.


  • As in the horny sailors challenge, Demelza once again thunders down the catwalk at warp speed (maybe THAT'S how she managed to change universes and become friends with Leiden?) and practically gives herself whiplash turning around at the end. "I have a big problem walking in a straight line, always have," she declares, and somehow everything makes sense.


  • Alex does her best Kevin Federline with a thin mouth impression and stomps down the catwalk, but even this is not enough to impress Trevor. Despite doing nothing discernibly different from any of the other girls, Mink dubs her attempt "slightly embarrassing". Ouch.




Should I do a rap, maybe?


  • Leiden shows off some spunky ripped jeans circa my 14th birthday party and threatens to hit Mink and Trevor. No, not really (apart from the jeans), but that would have been awesome.


  • Alamela borrows Jodhello's garbage bag outfit from episode two, sets her catwalk software to "fancy" and does a natty leg-sweep at the end of the runway before turning around and stalking back to the sound of Trevor's laughter. It's about this time that I start to consider Alamela might be on this show as a dare.


  • Foxtel's props and sets department outdoes itself once again by creating a CATWALK MADE OF SAND for the girls to walk on that actually is nothing more than the normal catwalk with a bit of sand sprinkled on the top and actually, isn't that hard to walk on. Sadly Trevor's mocking laughter has forced Alamela to drop her leg sweep routine, otherwise we might have seen Mink get a face full of sand.


  • Trevor and Mink hang even more unecessarily harsh shit on Alexandra, which somehow makes me start to feel sorry for her.



WHAT THE HELL, DOC?


  • They also blow sunshine straight up Demelza's skirt, saying she "looks like a model".



They're right, she totally looks like a model.


Back at the model mansion Demelza continues to show how like a professional model she is by cornering Alamela in the kitchen and throwing a waterbomb at her, then running away giggling by herself BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE IS AROUND. WHAT is the POINT of ditching a waterbomb at someone WHEN THERE'S NOBODY THERE TO SEE IT? Fortunately Alamela's circuits aren't damaged and she goes back to studying the density of fruit as she was doing before.


I am wet = affirmative. This apple is 57% water = affirmative.


"I've been bullied before, it's because I'm different," says Alamela.

Aw. That's.... Well, that sucks.

"You learn to live with it," she continues, as I start to feel bad about calling her a robot for the last three episodes.

It seems the girls are also in doubt about Alamela's organic origins, and decide the best way to test for humanity is to pour water onto her head while she sits on the couch, like some sort of bizarre modelling gladiator event in the fashion coliseum.

"She didn't even do anything, she just sat there," chirps head bitch Demelza P. Scragface after the event, seemingly oblivious to the fact that SHE IS AN UTTER ARSEHOLE.

"You're completely different to everyone else in the house," she shrieks in Alamela's face, as all the other bitches girls stand around baying for model blood. It somehow escapes Demelza's understanding that being like her in any regard would not be a desirable characteristic.

"Yeah..." says Alamela.

"YEAHHH that's your answer to everything, YEAHHH," blahs Samantha "Eyebrows" McBitcherson, who has decided to come to the witchhunt dressed as Bootsy Collins, but with less talent.


Make it BITCHY, baby!


Demelza and Samantha's Arseholeism 101 class finally ends, and we move on to the next challenge, GO SEES, although clearly just getting dressed that morning was a challenge for Alex, who has come as a kindergarten teacher from Toowomba in 1988:


WTF?


The girls get put into groups, are shoved into chauferred vehicles and are given the incredibly difficult CHALLENGE of directing their drivers to three different locations. You know, in the American version of this show the girls actually have to USE THEIR BRAINS on their go sees, and use incredibly novel things like BUSES and TRAINS and THEIR OWN TWO FEET to get around. Obviously The Lifestyle Channel is borrowing Fox 8's spare cameras this week and they only have three to go round.

Go see challenge in a nutshell:

  • Jamie, Demelza and Alamela manage to get completely lost on the first go - obviously Alamela's GPS software has a glitch.


  • Leiden demonstrates her superior intelligence by trying to put on a pair of pants without taking off her stilettoes first, and then putting on a dress backwards.


  • Caris earns the lofty (yet obscure) title of being "like tap water", which she's totally fine with, as long as it's not splashed onto her face.


  • Samantha is surprised to discover Nicola Finetti is a man. Belinda shrieks "I KNOOOOOOW! I still can't believe Napoleon isn't a skinny, weedy, little man!"


Despite banging on and on about how important it was to be punctual, neither Jodhello nor Priscilla Leighton-Clark seem to give a crap when all the girls come back late to headquarters, and Alyce wins the whole thing. Alex draws our attention to the fact that Alyce reacts to every piece of exciting news by putting her hand to her mouth, which henceforth starts to annoy the living shit out of me.


Is she excited or just yawning?


She wins some pearls and squeals "I WAS GOING TO BUY PEARLS THE OTHER DAY, TOO!" The fact that she apparently couldn't afford a pair of shoes the other day seems to escape both her and her financial advisor Demelza, who she's chosen to share in her prize and so clearly doesn't care that she hates her guts anymore.

Alyce, Demelza and Rebecca get to do a photo shoot for Body and Soul magazine which looks EXACTLY LIKE EVERY BODY AND SOUL MAGAZINE PHOTO YOU'VE EVER SEEN. That is, of course, if you HAVE ever seen a photo in Body and Soul, as it's usually the part of the paper you use to clean up kitchen scraps or line the cat's litter tray with. For the uninitiated: models in overpriced lycra gymsuits doing yoga poses in front of a body of water. EVERY. FUCKING. WEEK.

While all this hilarity is going on, the "losers" of the go see challenge (which is sort of EVERYONE, given they were all late, but anyway) get to walk on treadmills in high heels, which everyone is pretending is "good catwalk practice" as opposed to "stupid, painful torture".

Demelza sees this as her opportunity for round two of the Alyce and Rebecca sponsored Punish Alamela-thon and launches into attack. Alamela flicks her self defence switch and puts up her dukes as the bitchketeers land punch after ridiculous punch. Rebecca's advances are momentarily deflected when she blurts out the memorable but not so intelligent phrase "I find YOU disinteresting!" but eventually the whole thing is shut down with one over-dramatic cough from Alamela - has she got the consumption?

"I'll openly say that I could probably be nicer to her, but I don't wanna be," spits Demelza La Scrag. And with that, we move on to the photo shoot (FINALLY, have there been like, A MILLION challenges this episode or am I just starting to FEEEEEL THE CHAYYYY-ANNNGE?) which is for Alex "Pezza" Perry's new cook book. Or fashion book. Or look book. Whatever it is, our modelettes are pretty half baked:

  • Trevor makes a reappearance. And aren't we all happy about that.



Trevor is a stylist.


  • Pezza says "I know you girls are in a competition, but I can't tell you how little I care about that today," as if he feels differently any other day.


  • Pezza quote #2: "All of them think they're beautiful, but none of them are that beautiful." There's no joke attached to that, I just love that he said it.


  • Pezza brings in model Laura G, who is clearly the reason why Jordan from last year isn't getting any work - this chick's cornered the squinty, thin market. Pezza calls her his "sure thing". No one questions what this might mean.


  • Alex demonstrates some previously unseen humility by admitting nervousness in the face of the "sure thing". Alex my dear, am I starting to like you?




NO, DOC! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!


  • Pezza quote #3: "Belinda. Kill me now. Just stab me in the neck."


  • Alyce "does extraordinary things to the clients". This is never elaborated on, but we can probably assume they enjoyed it.


  • Leiden struggles to squeeze her ENORMOUS size eight and a half torso into a Little Bo Peep dress and amazingly manages to look fabulous and daring rather than like a transvestite Swiss flower girl.


  • Alamela's skeletal frame proves too small even for the world of fashion, and ends up looking like she's camping out in Pezza's outfits rather than wearing them.


  • Rebecca does a crap job, causing Pezza to blurt "That just cost us $475!" Somewhere in the distance Mink the hooker screams "I WOULD HAVE BEEN CHEAPER!"


  • Trevor declares Demelza Von Bitchenburg "a little bigger in the hips than the other girls" which, although patently ridiculous, makes me feel all warm inside.


  • Alex, Alyce and Ms Bitchface De Scragola get to stay back to reshoot a few looks for Pezza, which end up not being better than the original shots and so are a complete waste of time for all concerned, not least me.


Back at model mansion and DING! DING! It's time for round three of the All-In Alamela Beat Up. Demelza lands the first punch by announcing she wore Alamela's outfit for the photo reshoot, nyer nyer, but Alamela counters strongly by mumbling Demelza could lose a few pounds. Given there's no possibility of nailing Alamela on this particular point, Demelza resorts to tag team tactics and drags in Rebecca who screams something along the lines of "THAT'S BETTER THAN BEING TOO THIN!", an argument that will never work anywhere in the fashion universe, as nothing is EVER better than being too thin. Jaime brings a metal chair down on Demelza's head while Rebecca grabs Leiden in a headlock and the rest of the modelettes shout "JERRY! JERRY!" Alamela wins by default, but not before having a complete system crash and breaking down in tears. That poor little robot. I'm really beginning to like her, bless her motherboard.

And as we navigate the rattling pieces of the ANTM mobile onto the home stretch, it's time, once again, for elimination. But over in the elimination warehouse, Jodhello and Dawson have other ideas - SCRAG PUNISHING IDEAS.

"Shut, lit's face ut, most of you are really bloody thuck," snarls Dawson in that gorgeous Kiwi accent of hers.

"And none of you are getting fush OR chups tonight, so take that," she continues.

She then tells them to pick up a book occasionally (and like, read it, not hurl it at each other) or they'll all be working in take away joints after they get kicked off the show. Can you spell EBONI? No, she couldn't either, that's why she's working in that pizza bar now.

Dawson christens the Scrag Alliance "The Dapto Dogs" (which I think you probably have to live in NSW to understand), Pezza says every person who's ever been on ANTM and isn't Alice Burdeu is now pushing muffins at Muffin Break (take a look at your future, gals) and Priscilla tells them all to "shape up" - none of which seems to have any effect on the girls whatsoever. Maybe they're all still trying to work out what "Dapto Dogs" are, like I am.

Anyway, onto the Picture bitch:

  • Belinda looks like a corpse in a dress. A boy's corpse in a dress. Not sure if that was the effect Pezza was going for, but he got it.


  • Dawson looks at Jamie's photo and declares "You WILL get laid in that dress, honey!"



But possibly not if you pull this face again.


  • Alex's pic makes her look like a wrestler. Demelza quickly drafts her for her All Scrag fighting league.


  • "I think it would be quite difficult o make a lot of money off you," the photographer says to Alex, while faintly in the background we hear Mink the hooker shouting "NOT IN THAILAND....!"


  • Pezza tells Caris to get back on the treadmill. She cries and her mascara runs. FOR ABOUT THE 500TH TIME THIS SEASON. CHRIST, can SOMEONE buy the girl some waterproof?


  • Demelza Q. Slapperton looks completely gorgeous in her photo, so sadly no one gets to play the "You're a horrible person and it's coming out in your photos" game. Oh well.


  • Pezza calls Rebecca "a moose" and admits he wants to shoot her with an air rifle. Millions of viewers around the country nod their heads in understanding.


After going overboard praising all of the photos except for one, the judges call back Rebecca the moose and Belinda the bogan (who, by the way, STILL hasn't gotten those FUCKING contacts - MUM??? Hello??! HEARD OF EXPRESS POST?!) for a completely unsurprising eviction. Belinda is sent back to the country having learned the incredibly useful skill of walking in heels (that'll come in handy on the farm), and the moose lives to see another day - although I personally can't wait for the episode where she's stuffed and mounted for Pezza's study.

Want more? Head over to Jo Blogs.