Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Australia's Next Top Model Wrap Up: Series 5/Ep 2

As per tradition, we start this week's episode with a bit of flashbackery to last week, when that girl we can't remember the name of got kicked off for not being as good as all the other girls we can't remember the names of.

"I'm happy that she's gone because I didn't like her, honestly I couldn't stand being in the same room as her, and now she's gone - thank GOD," barks Cassi, who is doing absolutely nothing to challenge the growing perception of her as a true blue bogan.

Then, with a complete lack of continuity we've all come to know and love from the ANTM editors, we cut to footage of a presumably drunken Mikarla yelling "I'M LIKE A FIRECRACKER!" while all the models dance around in what appears to be a cafe. But whatever the models have been drinking, it's enough to have convinced them that they are actually in a nightclub, and so Mikarla and Cassi start dancing on the tables amongst the cutlery and condiments.

"She just got up and arse grinded me," spits Mikarla the Claudia Schiffer lookalike, in a decidedly UN Claudia Schiffer-like manner.

"He just got up and arse grinded me, and then we were married!"

In a totally uninteresting subplot, it seems Cassi has identified Mikarla as the head bogan of the group and so, understandably, is mimicking her every move. Poor, misguided Cassi. Doesn't she realise that no one could possibly out-bogan her?

"Screw youse all, Oym garn darn the pub."

Suddenly, the most fabulous pair of shoes I've ever seen turns up at model HQ, attached as they are to the ends of our beloved host's legs - who I am now beholden to refer to as "Blondie McPins" after you lot voted for it last week. (It won by one vote, woo hoo!)

Blondi McPins has clearly arrived at the model mansion VERY early in the morning, as all the girls are asleep in bed instead of up and about playing chess, discussing politics and reading the financial pages like they usually are. However it soon becomes obvious that it's probably actually about four in the afternoon when Franky and the girls put on a completely real and totally not staged performance entitled "Pretending to wake up and get out of bed" that is about as realistic as an episode of Home and Away.

"Quick everyone, out of bed! Not like that - the way we REHEARSED!"

As it turns out, all this Logie-worthy fuss and bother is simply in aid of meeting a nutritionist (or "nutritionalist" if you ask Clare) who lectures the girls about not eating carbs. Or eating more vegetables. Or something.

"Nutritionist? I thought they said dermatologist. :("

"What food do you think I could eat that would make me put on weight quickly?" asks Mikarla, in what could be the most blonde question ever asked by anyone in the history of the world, ever.

Well Mikarla, there's this...

Or this...

Or this...

Or you could try this...

And soon you'll be on your way!

The two minutes of social responsiblity over with, the girls are handed some exercise outfits and sent off to the gym, from which Clare intelligently deduces that they'll be doing some exercise. Smart girl, that Clare.

Totally boring exercise challenge in a nutshell:

  • The models are all weighed and measured, using scales and tape measures borrowed from the local nano technology lab.

"I'm sorry miss, but there doesn't seem to be any room for your large intestine. You're going to have to die."

  • In an event never ever witnessed at my house, Cassi starts crying when she finds out she's lost weight.

  • Clare invents a new kind of exercise known as the "weak as piss push up"

  • Through the wonders of modern computer technology, 16 year old Cassi is revealed to actually be 41. Everyone struggles to be surprised.


  • Shocked by her fitness assessment, Cassi decides to make amends by exiting the gym and lighting up a fag on the doorstep.

"Oym still in me fitness gear, so it's still exercising, roight?"

Back at model HQ and this time it's Madison's turn to win a Logie, by entering stage left and shouting "Hey guys, I think there's something outside!".

What they find in their driveway has clearly come DIRECTLY FROM MY NIGHTMARES - a bunch of midgets in leotards doing flips and somersaults in the rain.

You call them children, I call them SCARY AS FUCK.

"And then one of the girls pulled a Sarah Mail out of her..." begins Franky, but is drowned out by the sounds of my screaming. Sorry, I'm not sure where that midget pulled that envelope from - you'll have to use your imagination.

Using a crappy quote about falling over (from "anonymous" - come ON guys, couldn't you just get Blondie McPins to say something and then attribute it to her?) the Sarah Mail sends the models off to another gym where Pease tells them they're about to be "challenged in every sense of the word".

Madison's already got the "mentally challenged" bit down pat.

Unless he's talking to the viewers (who are currently being challenged just to stay awake) I think Pease really means "challenged in just ONE sense of the word -physically", as the models are made to don sparkly leotards and learn a gymnastics routine. Watching a bunch of uncoordinated girls attempting to do the splits is about as interesting as it sounds, save for the part when Cassi does the worm and pulls a muscle in her shoulder. Clare is determined the winner of the lamest challenge in ANTM history for making her leotard look fashionable or something, and is rewarded with a ticket to the ballet with Blondie McPins.

The next five "challenging" minutes of the episode are filled with Mikarla debating with Cassi about how bad her sprained muscle may or may not be, Clare and Tahnee getting ready to go to the ballet, and me yawning and checking my watch.

I'm momentarily excited when Clare mentions that she and Tahnee will be wearing "hussy dresses" to the performance, but it turns out she's talking about a brand name and not something like this, which I was hoping for:

Dis be a real hussy dress, beeyatch!

"I was a bit jealous they went to the ballet but then I made a lasagne which was really good so they missed out on that," says Madison, finding the bechamel lining to the situation.

Back at model HQ, the girls prove stimulation is hard to come by in the model house by once again being thrilled beyond belief by bunch of balloons in their hallway.

Clare expertly deduces that they will be "attached to a massive balloon and flung into the air". Agreed, it's not QUITE as big a giveaway as exercise gear, but seriously...

Confusion reigns as the modelettes are sent off to the pier to catch a boat ("There was water in front of us!" shrieks Clare, who appears not to recognise the ocean... I am beginning to doubt her intelligence), and the next five minutes are filled with a whole lot of "oh moy gourd-ing", the highlight of which is Tahnee expressing delight over sitting on a leather seat. Thankfully she doesn't notice the chrome door handles - she would have LOST IT.

Just like their convict forefathes, they're booted offshore at Cockatoo Island where sadly, there is only one cock to meet them - Jonathan Pease, who has decided to come dressed as your younger brother from 1994.

"I borrowed your Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch tape, I hope you don't mind."

He tells them they'll be doing a "tulle on trapeze" shoot for Cosmopolitan magazine, which elicits a reaction from the girls more nightmarish than those trampolining midgets earlier:

THIS makes me think of...


Tulle on trapeze challenge in a nutshell:

  • The Cosmo editor tells the girls to "tap into the dramatic nature of fashion". Sadly, this turns out to mean "pose in a vaguely interesting outfit" rather than "grab a skull and start soliloquising".

  • Adele straps half a chicken and some glitter to her head and wraps herself awkwardly around a hula hoop suspended from the ceiling, in what is vaguely reminiscent of the Ingham's killing floor.

  • Laura wears basically the same outfit and does a passable impression of a pigeon on Valium, by constantly falling off the hoop and crashing to the floor. She later manages to keep her balance for longer when someone hangs a seed bell just out of shot to distract her.

  • Cassi undergoes an amazing transformantion from bogan to budgie to dark horse to annoying git.

  • Franky's emotional break down complete with fake tears still isn't enough to make her dominatrix outfit of a top hat and underpants look "innocent".

  • Wide-eyed, rosebud-lipped Clare looks like she's been eating cupcakes and fairy bread all day surrounded by kittens in teacups while fairies braid her hair - and yet I still can't dislike her. Bless that pale little sprite.

Back at model HQ it's time for elimination, and Cassi Von Boganburg has bought a brand new dress for the occasion.

"It was only 40 bucks - really cheap, really nice," she crows. Well, she got it half right...

"They're not the only ones round here with a hussy dress!"

Without further ado, let's on to the picture bitch:

  • Pezza says Georgie was "saved by her outfit". That totally happened to me once, when I accidentally walked out in front of an oncoming car and my jeans pulled me out of the way at the last second while my handbag called for medical assistance. So. Lucky.

  • If Charles Dickens had made Miss Havisham an Olympic gymnast whose dress was also magic and was trying to eat her, Madison's photo could easily be the cover art for Great Expectations.

  • Pezza accuses Dawson of using too much botox. She sadly misses the opportunity to accuse him of using too much head polish.

  • Tahnee manages to look like a slightly overweight ballerina-slash-cat-burglar caught climbing through the window on CCTV footage, which must be one of the looks for this season as she makes it into Cosmo magazine anyway.

  • Laura-Liu's photo is completely and utterly amazing and should totally take out the Cosmo cover

  • Pezza snaps at Cassi "Stop buying satin dresses to wear during the day", which is a sentence I think we should all try to use at least once this week.

  • Dawson describes Lola as being like "gravy lumps" and everyone nods sagely, despite no one having a fucking clue what she means.

  • "Being saved by a dress is a modern day tragedy!" barks Pezza, who is totally outdoing himself in the awesome quotes this episode.

And then it's down to two - Georgie, the girl you've already forgotten because any footage with her in it clearly always ends up on the cutting room floor, and Leah, the girl you only remember because she looks a bit like Samantha from last year.

Blondie McPins is understandably perplexed:


But in the end, it's Leah who gets the boot, plus both of her eyebrows. Congrats Georgie - let's see if you can actualy get on the show next week!

And now you're done here, head on over to Jo Blogs for her version of events.

Got your own thoughts? Leave a comment!


  1. Bechamel lining is both the most awesome and the grossest concept ever. I'm off to get some flour and a needle.

  2. excellent as always cant wait to read next weeks!

  3. Who didn't love the footage at the end of Cassi going of her nut and punching stuff in true Bogan Glory. I can't wait for next week.

  4. I'm so glad I stumbled across this blog. Funniest reality show recap I've ever read. Ever.

  5. Yes its true i enjoy your blog of this show more than the actual show..thank god you are doing it all over again..best laugh i've had since last years effort! keep up the great work..you just have the knack!!

  6. "Wide-eyed, rosebud-lipped Clare looks like she's been eating cupcakes and fairy bread all day surrounded by kittens in teacups while fairies braid her hair - and yet I still can't dislike her. Bless that pale little sprite." This? This made my entire week. It brought tears. It hurt ribs and I'm still laughing. Nice.

  7. So glad you're back!

  8. There were a number of (low)lights in this episode. However, I did truly enjoy the non-stop biatching of Georgie la Bogan and the other bunch of ho(e)s.
    I do agree that SA lass, Clare, has that ethereal "channelling Tori Amos but not quite getting there" look. She does also appear to be the smartest in the garden (of hoes).
    Congratulations Dithyrambus on another wonderful recap.
    Subterranean Zeus

  9. you must be ugly... you've lost your touch

  10. Jo - mmmmm, bechamel. What's even IN bechamel?

    Anonymous - cheers! Next week is going to be a CRACKER, I can FEEL it!

    TLD - see above.

    Amy - Woah, ever? That makes me feel all kitteny and rainbowish.

    Anonymous - Just like My Sharona!

    TV Kimmy - what about now? Are you still laughing now?

    Rachael K - Me too! Yay!

    Alexandra - Tori Amos is a very good comparison. I might steal that. I mean borrow that.

    Anonymous - Explain to me how the two things are related?

  11. Firstly, it's lovely to have you back.

    Secondly, Clare is clearly this year's answer to (dreamy sigh) Alamela. Small, pale, doesn't fit in well, is perhaps brighter. Except for the 'nutrionalist' thing. Hmmm. Still, like you say, she has delightful rosebud lips. I'm thinking she has a promising career in selling polished apples.

    Thirdly, why the hell have they kept Cassi for two weeks? I just don't see what they're seeing. She's got narrowset eyes, fishlips, teeth like a row of fishtank pebbles and an overbite you could park a car underneath.

    I have money that the producers brought her on and want her to stay on purely to stir up shit and punch things. I guess they realised that a truly great ANTM series needs proper drama. Something like last year's Demelza-Alamela drama, or someone like (all stand please) Paloma.

  12. Followup comment. A perusal of the profiles on the show's website (which makes me a stalker, right?) seems to suggest that everyone's favourite hobby is surfing with their Dad.

    And that Clare was President of her highschool Environment Club and loves debating. Gag.

  13. Best blog ever. Please keep writing up to the finale. I love how much effort you put in and laughed so so so hard!