Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Australia's Next Top Model Wrap Up: Series 5/Ep 3

Welcome to the third instalment of ANTM 2009, otherwise known as "the week this series finally got interesting".

Yes, after two weeks of introductions, gym routines, nurition advice and half-arsed exercising SOMETHING VAGUELY INTERESTING ACTUALLY HAPPENS TONIGHT - don't get up to make tea or go to the toilet, you might miss it.

But first - while watching the opening credits, I start to notice something about Lola. The lopsided eyes, the huge jaw, that annoying "ba ding ding ding" way she talks - IS LOLA ACTUALLY THE CRAZY FROG?

You never see them in the same room together...

The customary flashback reminds us that Samantha-lookalike Leah is no longer on the show after being booted last week in favour of Home and Away-extra-lookalike Georgie. Who? You know, the one with brown hair and legs. And... er... well she's still there, anyhow.

Back at model HQ, all 53 members of the house sit in the tiny kitchen "eating breakfast" while Georgie casually walks into the living room for no apparent reason and "discovers" a Sarah Mail in a box. With all her experience in Summer Bay it's no surprise Georgie is the winner of this week's ANTM Logie for "least convincing performance on a reality TV show". I think the producers should get an extra gold star too for their consistently thrilling script writing.

"...So Georgie enters left and says 'Hey guys, Sarah Mail!'. All the other models look really surprised and rush in from right..."

Georgie opens the box and discovers it's full of wigs, with a note reading "Let me cut to the chase, try these on for size." It's a tough one, but cryptic clues are no match for the models, and after 20 minutes or so they quickly deduce they'll be chasing each other with scissors as part of a commercial for a new wig shop. Clare intelligently points out that that would violate the terms of the contract they signed before coming on the show, while Madison notes it would go against occupational health and safety regulations. The group shares confused looks for a further half hour before Laura T eventually puts the concepts of "hair" and "cut" together and realises they'll all be having haircuts.

They're shuttled off to Joh Bailey's palais de perm in the city where Blondie Mc Pins and Pease are there to meet them - the latter looking actually quite dishy for the first time this series. His top lip might never, ever move, but that Joh Bailey really can make ANYONE look good!

Well HELLO there.

Makeover day in a nutshell:
  • Blondie tells Mikarla she'll be getting a bleached blonde reverse mullet - long in front, short at the back. Mikarla is horrified - "I'm about to get a farkin Victoria Beckham haircut!!" she spits. Presumably she would have preferred a REAL mullet to match her bogan roots.

  • In what may be the least exciting makeover ever, redhead Adele is told she'll be getting red hair. In other news: everything stayed the same today, and nothing new happened anywhere. More at 11.

  • Blondie tells Laura-Liu they're going to "shave it all off", but ends up giving her a bob haircut. We can only assume Laura will be well prepared for their next swimwear shoot.

  • Franky is told her "shopping mall" curls have to go and she promptly throws a massive tanty. She claims her hair will not grow back once it's cut, which begs the question: IS FRANKY A BARBIE DOLL?

"An eight year old girl cut it once AND IT NEVER GREW BACK, I SWEAR!!!"

  • After declaring her intention to leave the show rather than cut her godawful tresses, Franky proves herself a complete pussy by backing down after being confronted by Blondie. Maybe she told her they'd get her a replacement head if she didn't like her new do.

  • Madison wanders around with six kilograms of tinfoil hanging off her head and blobs of bleach coating every surface and still manages to look more groomed than at any point in the past two episodes.

And she's not even FINISHED yet!

And the resulting looks:
  • ELOISE steals the "least exciting makeover ever" crown from Adele by simply having her hair curled

  • ADELE goes from a gorgeous, natural beauty to looking like she's dyed her hair with a packet of Electric Orange Fun Dye that was in the mark-downs bin at the local Coles

  • MADISON goes from "crazy haired cat lady" to "generic blonde at mall", complete with REALLY BAD DYE JOB - Joh Bailey, what the hell, man? I hate to admit this, but... I actually think she looked better before.

Mmm, stripey!

  • MIKARLA takes the words "farken", "d'you know what I mean" and "hair extensions" and uses them to form a sentence that translates from Boganian as "I am an ungrateful yob who can't appreciate a good haircut when she sees one"

  • CASSI gets a few curls and some highlights and looks a million bucks, which is a far cry from the usual $12.99 she pays at Price Attack to have her hair done

  • GEORGIE looks... er... what did she look like before again?

  • TAHNEE, CLARE and LOLA are deemed too dull to get their own piece of airtime, given that their makeovers seem to have amounted to nothing more than a good brushing.

  • The ghost of Jodhello Meares finally manages to break through the fourth dimension and contact the living by using the newly-bobbed LAURA T as a host body, forcing her to blurt "Oh my God, SHUT UP!". Sadly she is dragged back to the spirit world before managing to shout "How good is that?!".

  • FRANKY looks like Pedro Santana, a Mexican schoolboy who sells postcards to tourists at the airport, and yet still looks completely fashionable. She'd want to HOPE her hair won't grow back.

Back at model HQ, all the girls are lined up to meet the head of Maybelline New York - NIGEL. Is there a name less suited to the head of a makeup brand than Nigel? I think not.

Anyway, Nige shows all the girls how to put on makeup properly, and then they have to get into groups and put makup on each other, and then ^&$^s4s5sdgjezcs. Sorry, fell asleep for a moment there and my head hit the keyboard.

The dull festival is ended by the arrival of a Sarah Mail which informs the girls they're they'll be filming a Maybelline TV commercial the next day. This should of course be taken to mean they'll be reciting lines about Maybelline in front of a camera that may or may not be switched on, and any resulting footage will never be aired on a television screen anywhere, ever. HOW EXCITING!

Guess what, girls - you're already ON television.

Part of the brief is to come up with a unique line about the new Maybelline Collagen Enhanced Super-Turbo-Powered Jet-Propelled Extra Thick Ultra Massive Crazy Fantastic Wow Mascara to deliver in the commercial - as if they'll have time to get one in after saying the name of the product.

"Oym garnna say 'Not two times volume, not four times volume, but nine times volume with new collagen'," barks Cassi, who has clearly missed her calling as a highly paid advertising executive.

It's certainly a cunning plan - tell everyone your line so that no one will steal it. Much more effective than just KEEPING IT TO YOUR BLOODY SELF, YOU PLONKER.

And off they troop to a carpark in the middle of Sydney, which is obviously the closest the Fox 8 budget could get them to New York, and start the "getting in and out of cars saying silly things about mascara" challenge. They all look fabulous after their makeovers and... WHAT THE?

Madison's new squillion dollar hair makeover was REALLY worth it.

In a nutshell:
  • Adele looks like Ronald McDonald in a garbage bag, which would seem to be a better advertisement for white foundation and red lipstick than mascara, but anyway.

"Is there something on my face?"

  • Laura delivers her lines as if she's planning to follow them with a "HEEEE-YA!" and a kick to the face, which is actually a teeny bit awesome. Laura for PM.

  • In a decision that is totally hers and not at all a suggestion by the ANTM producers to inject controversy into what is turning out to be a fairly dull segment, Lola decides to steal Cassi's line for herself. Predictably enough, everyone goes crazy for her performance. Well, if anyone's qualified to talk about "the power of colossal" it's eight-feet-tall Lola and her ginormous head.

  • Looking like Kate Moss on a coke binge, an angry Cassi storms off set and starts screaming, smoking and punching walls in a scene reminiscent of Pete Doherty's house on a Saturday night.

  • Franky's new haircut manages to convince everyone she has "New York attitude", even though she's about as New York as the bagels they sell at Baker's Delight.

  • Georgie attempts to buy some personality by putting on an American accent, but fails to convey New York by neglecting to yell "FUHGEDDABOUTIT!"

  • Mikarla turns her commercial into an arsty short film by getting out of a car, saying "Long, strong and fashion forward" and walking away without once mentioning the brand name or the product. Very post modern.

Lola's effort is deemed the best, and she wins what is actually a covetable prize for once - bits and pieces of Tiffany, Jimmy Choo, and Marc Jacobs - while Cassi seethes in the corner.

"I can't see Cassi in Jimmy Choo shoes anyway," slags Lola, who is fast becoming my favourite.

Back at model HQ and all the girls are straight back into bad acting training again. Today's lesson is "pretending to be woken up by the alarm clock at 6am". None of them pass.

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so make sure the beholder is the lens today," reads Adele from their brand new Sarah Mail.

"I THINK IT'S A BEAUTY SHOOT!" she shrieks.

Yes, I think they're getting smarter too.

And so off the shuffle to the park, where they're stripped of makeup, shoved in front of a camera and told to look beautiful - LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE, HA HA!

Beauty shoot in a nutshell:
  • Blinded by the glare from her gleaming Victoria Beckham hair, Mikarla's eyes don't stop watering for the entire shoot. "She's got squinty eyes!" shouts Dawson from off set.

  • The ever exciting Georgie manages to get upstaged by a piece of string wrapped around her head.

  • Eloise looks very pretty and yet I still couldn't give a shit.

  • Tahnee goes from "pretty spunky" to "red hot sexy mamma" thanks to some carefully applied slow-mo and a flamenco backing track that I'm fairly sure won't actually carry over to her final photos.

  • Lola tries to relax her mouth and ends up accidentally eating both her hands.


  • Adele looks red headed, pale and vulnerable, and is served a writ for copyright infringement from Alice Burdeu's lawyers at the end of her shoot.

  • Cassi. How DOES that little bogan do it? I have no words, only photographic evidence:

Before and after. I know, I know, I don't get it either.

What else is there left to do but head to the elimination warehouse, where models are put through a grinder, turned into mulch and fed to hairdressers the world over. Well, apart from gang up on Franky about how she's a bitch, stomp around and scream things like "I'm here to win, I don't care what anyone thinks!", that is. But that would be boring, wouldn't it? Yes, it would.

Almost all of the models' photos turn out rather pretty, which cuts down the comedic potential of my weekly picture bitch to almost nil but for the following exceptions:
  • The ethereal Clare is compared to Cate Blanchett in Lord of the Rings, but I prefer to think of her more as "that scary as fuck creature that came out of the wardrobe in Poltergeist":

She's heeeeeeere...

  • Lola looks rather like a Jim Henson muppet with a belt wrapped around its head, prompting Dawson to label her "a lump of coal" and Pezza to remark "I don't think we've seen your best photo yet." I'd bloody hope not.

  • In her second attempt to gain a personality this episode, Georgie does her best Lola impression by also wrapping a belt around her head but doesn't quite nail the "muppet" part of the brief. "I don't know that beauty is your forte," says Pezza. Ouuuuuch...

  • "Some of the girls are getting a bit scary and testing my botox," snaps Pezza, in what is an early front runner for QUOTE OF THE SEASON.

In the end, as usual, there can be only one. Or rather, two: Mikarla big hair and Georgie small personality. CAN YOU GUESS WHICH ONE WILL GO?

Yes, it's goodbye Georgie - don't acquire any charm or charisma on the way out, now!

You now have two tasks to fulfil before you go and do something important with your lives: a) leave a comment (for goodness sake, I need SOME love!) and b) go visit Jo-Jo Blogs for a second helping of model roast.


  1. Ooh yes..its getting good and i'm with you i dont get the whole Cassi thing either - does she have a twin sister, separated at birth , with class who steps in when its photo time?

  2. Fantastic as always, this is my first stop after the show is finished. I don't get the Cassi thing either but mind you I didn't think her photo was that great this week.

  3. Great recap! I laughed a lot. :). Keep doing good work. Cassi is great.

  4. l love you work. Look forward to it every week.

    Keep it up

  5. 'Pedro Santana' made stuff come out of my nose.
    I heart Pedro. I heart him mucho.

  6. i love your blog. i want to have your babies, as long as they write about it in such an acerbic, yet hilarious manner.

  7. As soon as I've seen an episode I come here to read what you were thinking about it. I always hope you'll write what I thought---and you usually do!
    I hate smug Mikarla.

  8. Wow, I have to say you sure know how to mix it up! Making up for the lack of picture-bitchness by creating your own images is great, but the way you've done it...Colossal!! That crazy frog/Lola comparison...Best side-to-side EVER! The way the eyes match is scary almost. You're a genius and should apply for a job as either editor, writer or producer of the show. Seriously, do it!!

  9. Flove it, as usual!!

    You so rock.

  10. you are amazing.

    we need to be friends.

  11. Hilarious as always - I really do look forward to these things more than to the actual episodes.

    I was surprised you didn't comment on Madison's "major angerness" line. That was really something.

  12. Am submitting 'major angerness' to the Macquarie Dictionary people...

    Pet, you are Australia's Terry Wogan. Eurovision won't be half as entertaining now that he's been dropped as off-show, voice over, commentator, and I for one wouldn't bother to watch ANTM if I didn't have your blog to laugh over afterwards.

  13. Love the blog - but FYI, Laure T got booted first week, it's Laura M that is left.

  14. God, those hideous stripes in Madison's hair! Imagine going into Joh Bailey's, paying an amount equal to the GDP of a small country, and coming out looking like you'd just emerged from Foils 101 (Volunteers Needed) at your local TAFE.

  15. Haha~ Your recaps make me laugh so hard!!
    Plus..I thought that Laura M's new haircut was very similar to a Lucy Liu-like game character:


  16. I loved it! Well done! I must admit that I dont even think Cassie's photoshoots are even that good. Perhaps I'm just not as observant as everyone else? Also... Lola.... crazy frog.... YES!

  17. am i the only one who has noticed cassi's teeth? they look like they have been haphazardly rammed inside her mouth by a blind chimp... can someone please buy the poor kid some braces? or at the very least get that mug off my television...

  18. Love this blog so much it never fails to make me laugh out loud! Keep it up!

  19. Love love and lots of it..keep up the good stuff..

  20. love your blog, so funny

    but i have one request - can you please start calling charlotte personality again, ive always missed it

  21. Love your work. I laugh my ass off every time. This ep was full of so many good stills and Cassie acting like a complete idiot, except for when in front of a photographer. Pease-porridge still rocking crazy sunglasses and Sarah being like the best host ever.
    I love Clare. And Laura's "SHUT UP". But don't you do that.
    And to the last Anonymous: She was Identity Dawson

  22. I think the above counts as far as your 'comment love' is concerned :)