Ding! Ding! It's round four of the model massacre - ARE YOU READY TO RUMBLE?
In the ring tonight is LOOOOOOLA THE SUPERJAW, MENTAL HAIR MAAAAAAAAADISON and ELLLLLOISE - THE AMAZING PERSONALITY FREE GIRL!
But first, let's take another look at last week's knockout punch, courtesy of CAAAAASSI THE BOGANATOR:
Flashing back to last week we say goodbye to Georgie for what feels like the 500th time this series (honestly, the only time that girl was on screen was when she was on the verge of, or actually being, kicked out).
"In my eyes, I just see that as one less person to compete against," says Adele, proving once and for all that she is the mathematical brain of the group.
All the models make misguided comments about how it was unfair Georgie was booted because "she was working so hard". Guess what girls, no one gives a shit how hard you work. As long as you're effortlessly gorgeous and charming and take good pictures, you'll win. Got it?
Back at the model mansion, a not-very-well-thought-out Sarah Mail delivery is unfolding, courtesy of a toy robot with an envelope sticky-taped to its hand that is taking approximately seven and a half hours to cross the courtyard. After some creative editing and the second instalment of the "Pretending to Wake Up" play the models have been working on over the last three weeks, the letter is finally delivered.
"Be elegant and not automated," reads Eloise, which immediately sends me into my own demented flashback - all the way back to ANTM season 3 episode 4... DON'T STOMP, BE ELEGANT... OH GOD, IT'S MINK TIME.
Yes, it's catwalk week, the week in which everyone straps on heels and attempts to walk in a straight line while being yelled at without falling over. If you rent the unedited director's cut of The Karate Kid you'll find that's one of the tricks Mr Miyagi taught Daniel in the original film, along with wax on, wax off and painting the fence. They cut it in the end because IT'S SO FUCKING EASY.
Mikarla suffers a slight brain haemmorage and asks Cassi to take some time out from punching walls to teach her how to walk. Cassi obliges by stomping around in the garage and almost falling over while pulling poses you wouldn't even see in a Harris Scarfe catalogue. It is fair to say that Cassi knows stuff all about catwalk modelling.
The ANTM producers then break several licensing laws by herding a bunch of under 18 girls into a nightclub in Kings Cross to walk up and down a plank of wood, the only difference between this and a normal Saturday night being that it's day time, and the drinks fridge is locked. Pity - I feel a few Bacardi Breezers could have improved Cassi's walk no end (or at the very least provided her with an excuse).
Blondie McPins is there to greet them, looking far classier than what her surrounds appear to dictate is the norm at this joint, and then there's Mink. Or rather, what appears to be a wax rendering of the woman formerly known as Mink.
Don't stand her too close to the heater.
"Holy shit on fire!" gasps Mikarla.
"WHERE?!" shrieks Wax-Mink as she bolts for the nearest exit in fear of melting. A crew member turns up the air conditioning just in case.
Wax-Mink busts out some old bollocks about "owning the catwalk" and "making your walk your own" (as opposed to borrowing someone else's for the day, which is really inconvenient if they want to go out somewhere) and then the pointless parade begins. (By the way, is anyone else wondering why we're in a nightclub for this, as opposed to ooh, ANYWHERE with a flat surface? Just checking.)
Catwalk challenge in a nutshell:
- "All I could think was crap, crap, crap, crap, shit, crap, crap," spews Clare, while Cassi wonders what ELSE one is supposed to ever think about.
- Feeling more and more detached from her bogan roots, Cassi cleverly sneaks in some headbanging while pretending to do an impression of Clare on the catwalk.
If you look closely you can see the earpiece through which she's listening to Cold Chisel's Greatest Hits.
- Mink tells Cassi she looks like she's riding a horse. "We're not at the rodeo, honey," she jeers. That's right, we're in a SEEDY KINGS CROSS NIGHTCLUB and DON'T YOU FORGET IT.
- Eloise is told she has no personality, criticism which, coming as it does from a wax figurine, seems a little rich.
- Lola's walk is described as "very masculine". Er, are you sure, Mink? The Kinks didn't think so.
- Proving that when you're onto a good thing you should stick to it, Mink also criticises Madison for "walking like a man". If she has a go at Pease too, I'm outta here.
- All the girls are forced to change into difficult-to-manage "hort ka-choor", and in a TOTALLY BIZARRE COINCIDENCE, stiff-walking Madison is forced to put on a skin-tight, floor-length PVC ball gown. That should make it easier for her.
- On the other hand, in what would seem to be A TOTALLY UNFAIR ADVANTAGE Cassi's "difficult to manage" outfit consists of a singlet top and a pleated skirt. Explanations for this can be posted to What The? c/o GPO Box 5020, Howunfairisthat, SA.
- "Did we see something we weren't supposed to see there?" asks Blondie as Tahnee flips open the front of her dress, prompting thousands of teenage boys to hit rewind on their Tivos.
- "Sarah Murdoch is going to see my boobs!" squeals Clare. The same teenage boys make a mental note to tune into ANTM EVERY SINGLE WEEK from now on.
- Lending even more credence to the rumour that she is the offspring of Alamela the modelbot from the 2008 series, Adele bravely takes on the brief of "Daft Punk on holiday", teaming some colurful cabana wear with a fetching robot mask.
The ultimate in sun protection.
The pointless parade test over, Blondie tells all the girls to turn around and check out their next big surprise...
"What? Guys, what is it? Hey, guys?"
...SOME PIECES OF PAPER CUT INTO THE SHAPE OF FEET! WOW! Honestly, the special effects on this show are second to none, they really are.
The modelettes follow the feet out the door to a poster which announces they're going to be "transported".
"We're definitely going somewhere," says Laura, after looking up "transported" in her pocket dictionary.
She's right - they go all the way to the outer suburbs.
Yes, just in case taking a bunch of underage girls to a Kings Cross nightclub wasn't inapropriate enough, the ANTM producers have made the intelligent decision to shove them into the middle of the Sydney produce markets at 4am to make them parade on the back of a truck in front of a horde of hairy old men on forklifts.
Identity Dawson is there to greet them with Pease Porridge, looking like a private school headmistress who's just busted one of her teenage pupils wagging.
"Aww honest miss, I was gunna go to class later, serious!"
"Not perfect conditions" is how they describe the morning's challenge, conveniently leaving out such descriptive words as "underage", "sexually exploitative", "totally distasteful" and "a new low for ANTM".
16 year old Clare is the only one who looks even slightly perturbed by the idea, and is therefore made to look like the scaredy-cat prude of the group, rather than A YOUNG GIRL WHO IS BEING MADE TO FEEL INCREDIBLY UNCOMFORTABLE BY A PACK OF JEERING MEN WHO SHOULD KNOW BETTER. Clare for PM.
"YOU'LL WALK IN FRONT OF THOSE SWEATY FRUIT PACKERS, AND YOU'LL LIKE IT! AHHH HA HA HA HA!"
Identity announces the winner of the challenge will win a $10,000 shopping spree at the corner shop - fuck me, how many sausage rolls is that?
"That's ten LARGE," says Pease, helpfully translating into Wank-speak for everyone.
The girls get haired and made up as the slobbering mass of testosterone around them yells totally unintimidating things out like "Woo!" and "You're a TEN!"
"Hey baby, I like your melons!"
Hideously uncomfortable bordering on unwatchable fruit market runway challenge in a nutshell:
- In a clever tactic to avoid having her legs, arse and boobs stared at, Cassi adopts a completely crazy walk to divert attention. It works.
- Franky almost shows her melons to all the fruit workers, courtesy of a dress made out of minced up road signs, and therefore gets the biggest cheer.
- Meanwhile, Upskirt.com suddenly gets an influx of 1500 new photos.
Something tells me they're not taking pictures to add to their supermodel scrapbooks.
- Suddenly, one of the big burly forklift drivers jumps up on stage in a ruffled blue cocktail dress and stomps down the runway and... oh wait, that's Lola.
- Eloise finally gains some personality courtesy of a platinum blonde bob wig. But can they staple it to her head and keep it there forever?
- Mikarla looks about as exciting as a squashed up banana skin on the packing room floor until she stacks it on the stairs leading off the runway and gains the biggest cheer of the day, as well as an impromptu impression from Dawson:
One of the many facial expressions Botox allows you to do.
Tahnee wins the challenge and chooses Adele to share the $10,000 worth of sausage rolls and Twisties at the corner shop with her. Mikarala has a cry about wanting to be in the house, or not wanting to be in the house, or not winning a sausage roll or something, and Cassi does the obligatory "Oym so sick of living with a bunch of girls" phone call home to her boyfriend. Right before she decides to demonstrate her love of Hitchcock by re-enacting the shower scene from Psycho with Clare.
"I was in the shower and she came bursting in, turned the shower off and started yelling at me," mews Clare, who is starting look more and more like Janet Leigh by the second.
The resident film studies discussion group of the house is shocked - no one even knew Cassi liked Hitchcock! After a brief dicussion about the appropriateness of interrupting someone else's shower for no apparent reason, they get onto deconstructing the director's use of mise en scene to create mood. Next week: Cassi recreates The Birds.
Oh wait, she's already done that...
The next 10 minutes are filled with an advertisement for The Corner Shop, in which Tahnee and Adele spend a heap of money on clothing they'll never be able to wear because they're schoolgirls who probably never go out to anything, ever.
Fortunately, my soul is uplifted by the models' next challenge in which they are sent off to an abandoned tram barn in the middle of nowhere that has only recently been cleared of homeless people and junkies. (Honestly, are they trying to bump these girls off or what?)
Pease explains they're going to do a photo shoot for "U by Kotex" to launch new packagaing for "the product". The ad director tells them what "U by Kotex" is all about - confidence, being alluring, sassy and cheeky. The girls are put in long dresses and made to walk in front of a graffitied wall. At no point does anyone use the word "tampon". Welcome to the world's most surreal tampon advertisement.
"Don't mention tampons" tampon commercial shoot in a nutshell:
- Franky dons a long brown wig and says she looks like "Beyonce in drag", without realising that a woman in drag is actually a bloke, which, dare I say it....
- Mikarla gets a long blonde wig and looks even more like Claudia Schiffer... if she had somehow been genetically crossed with a dead fish.
- There's a true zen moment when Pease asks Tahnee if she's unsure of what she's doing, to which she replies "I don't know." If a model parades in a disused tram barn and isn't sure if she's unsure, does she make a sound?
- Lola struggles with coordinating the movements of her legs with her chin, prompting Pease to shriek "Lola is pretty poor - where's the confidence gone? I don't understand." Funny how people lose confidence when you criticise them, eh?
- Madison struggles with the brief of getting on and off a tram until the photographer tells her to pretend she's flying, after which everything makes sense. The ANTM producers quietly double check Madison's luggage for hallucinogens.
Back at model mansion there's a good five minutes to fill before elimination, so we're treated to a completely confusing segment in which Mikarla screams at Tahnee and Eloise for putting a McDonald's bag full of cigarette butts on her bed. Why did they do this? We don't know. Why is Mikarla so upset instead of totally baffled like we are? We're not sure. Mikarla calls Tahnee fat, Cassi empties the Maccers bag into Eloise's bed, and off we trundle to elimination with no idea what just happened or why. Hurrah for editing!
Shall we picture bitch?
- Eloise has clearly been taking lessons from Mink, pulling off a very convincing "wax model" look in her photo.
- Cassi tells the judges she walks best when she's "not thinking". Clearly all those times she fell over she was busy writing sonnets and doing algebra in her head. Her photo, meanwhile, looks like someone has cut and pasted Bindi Irwin's head onto a store mannequin with no neck. Sadly, this isn't quite the look the judges were going for.
- Madison looks like a drag queen alighting from a tram at 3am the morning after the Sydney Mardi Gras - and somehow still manages to look fabulous. She's a disco whirlwind of gorgeousness.
- Clare looks like she's been shot in the arm with a tranquiliser while getting off the tram, which unsurprisingly isn't the best advertisement for tampons.
But who is in the bottom two?
"I'll tell you who I think IS in the bottom two," says Blondie, as Australia hangs off the edge of its collective seat in anticipation.
"Yep, I agree," says Identity Dawson, while all the other judges nod in agreement.
Er, yes? Who? What? Pardon? We'll never know, as these comments are never explained.
"What about...?" says Blondie.
"I LOATHE that picture," spits Joh Bailey.
"She gives me the Hitchcock chills, that one," snarls Dawson.
WHO? WHAT? FOR GOD'S SAKE, WHO ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? Viewers all around the country make a mental note to punch the ANTM editors if they ever meet them.
After all this abstract postulating it's time for someone to go - TWO people actually, as it turns out. It's a massive sale in the model warehouse and every model must go!
The three recruits left standing are Sergeant Expressionless Eloise, Lieutenant Slack Mikarla and Major Angerness Cassi - until Cassi is sent back to the mansion, leaving Eloise and Mikarla to sashay out the door and into obscurity.
"Mikarla's the only one trying in this competition," wails Cassi, prostrating herself at the feet of Blondie McPins.
"She's trying so hard, this isn't fair," she moans, looking up at Blondie's face, two kilometers away up in the stratosphere.
Meanwhile, no one seems to care that Eloise is leaving. Who? Exactly.
Now - get on over to Jo Blogs to see what zingers she's come up with this week, but not before leaving me a comment!