Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Australia's Next Top Model Wrap Up: Series 5/Ep 6

So it's episode six, hooray, and just in case you missed the end of last week's episode in which one of the models was kicked off the show (I know, it was SUCH a shock), Adele is helpfully on hand to explain what this means for the rest of the group.

"It just seems like the group is just THAT much smaller now," she says. You can file this along with other mathematically-inspired Adele witticisms from previous eliminations such as "In my eyes, I just see that as one less person to compete against" and "One girl was voted off the show, which means there's now the same number of us competing minus one".

Back at model HQ, all the modelettes are casually sitting around in the backyard together (possibly working on quadratic equations under the watchful eye of Adele) when Tahnee, on her way to brush her teeth, discovers a Sarah Mail scrawled on the bathroom mirror. This, of course, can only mean one thing: that no one else in the house has brushed their teeth today. Nice.

Sadly the message isn't scrawled in red lipstick or heralded by creepy looking twins in the hallway, but it is enough to send Tahnee screaming into the backyard for help (well, how else is she going to make sense of all the funny squiggles?).


"REDRUM! REDRUM!"


"Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the trendiest of them all," she reads, before experiencing a once in a lifetime brainwave and shouting "IT'S STYLE! IT'S FASHION!", which doesn't make much sense but could possibly be a lyric from a David Bowie song.

Still, she's half right - the models are about to be tested on their fashion knowledge and "personal style", a test the eternally Snoop Dogg hoodie-clad Cassi is bound to ace as long as she is only asked questions about labels one can buy at the Brickworks Market.

After a thrilling description of the journey from the house to the city by Clare ("We got to town and walked to this really big building and we went inside and then we went up in the lift and into this room and zzzzzzzzzzz...") we meet Pease and some bird called Claudia who is going to teach the modelettes how not to dress like skanks.

Apparently she's the fashion director of Harpers Bazaar, so she probably knows what she's talking about, although nothing's quite as bizarre as her accent which sounds like a cross between Cruella D'evil and Marlene Dietrich, blended with a touch of awesome and a dash of "pardon?"

"Claudia has worked for heaps of magazines, like Harpers Bazaar, Italian Vogue..." says Pease.


"SNAP, ME TOO!"


Claudia then sets to work on becoming the greatest thing ANTM has ever seen by criticising everyone's outfits, like a fashion version of Seinfeld's soup nazi.

"The electric blue of your top and the white of your shoes and the wash of your jeans doesn't really cut it, and the length of your jeans with the height of your shoe is completely out of proportion," she spits at Cassi, which is a bit cruel considering Cassi is quite possibly fashion challenged and should probably be the subject of some sort of community fundraiser, rather than abuse.

"Your chain is very sweet though, if that's any consolation," she adds. It isn't.

She then outlines three current fashion trends which, given this episode was shot about six months ago are probably nowhere near current anymore and will cause you to be shot on sight by the fashion police. There's "new power dressing", which seems to consist of jackets with silly shoulders, "English garden", which seems to be based on Penelope Keith's character from The Good Life, and something called "world traveller", which is based on clothes you would never travel in anywhere, ever, and even if you did would force you to spend most of your time at airport security gates taking things off and having them X Rayed.

In a surprise akin to opening a packet of biscuits and finding biscuits inside, the modelettes are then paired up and sent into a giant wardrobe where a faun tells them they have to recreate one of the three looks to save Narnia from the evil ice queen. OK, so I lied about the last bit.


You can imagine it though, can't you?


Narnia fashion challenge in a nutshell:

  • Cassi and Franky attempt "English garden" and end up with compost, courtesy of a hideous purple floral handbag and matching Dunlop volleys. PENELOPE KEITH WOULD NEVER WEAR SANDSHOES.


  • Laura and Tahnee attempt to "power dress" Adele, but as so often happens on this show, end up with "hooker dress". Sure that isn't one of this season's trends, Claudia? SURE?


  • Clare and Lola attempt "world traveller", end up with "homeless bus traveller".


Back at Model HQ - and you won't believe this, but - the Toys R Us budget which has so far furnished us with such mind-boggling special effects as a miniature robot and plastic farm animals has clearly still got some dosh in it, which an ANTM production assistant has thoughtfully spent on a dozen crappy plastic bath toys that they have then thrown in the pool.


MIND BLOWING.


Predictably enough, spying a layer of floating plastic detritus in their swimming pool sends the models into a complete commotion - given the last thing they got excited about was some words stuck to a mirror, this is a positively bone-shattering discovery.

The thrills don't stop when one of the girls discovers a Sarah Mail stuck to a toy boat, sending the group into a hysterical orgy of cataclysmic proportions.

"Maybe it's a fashion shoot on a boat," suggests Clare.

"Or on a giant duck?" suggests Tahnee.

As it turns out the next challenge has nothing to do with boats or giant ducks, but rather walking up and down in Alex Perry's shop. What's the connection? Do Alex Perry's dresses make one seasick?

Nothing to do with ducks or boats catwalk challenge in a nutshell:

  • Instead of demonstrating her walk, Cassi puts on a preview of her new upcoming Fringe show "Boris Karloff in Tight Jeans". The reviews are not favourable.




"Maaaan that is NOT cool."


  • Not to be outdone, Lola puts on an even tighter pair of jeans and fairly limps down the catwalk like an ageing lumberjack with bunions. Unsurprisingly, this is not the look Pezza is searching for.


  • Franky exclaims that she hates Clare's walk and she looks possessed. Pezza says he loves it and it's confident. Guess whose opinion is worth more?


Pezza picks Clare and Adele as the winners and finally reveals the loose connection to the crappy bits of plastic the cleaner is currently fishing out of the models' pool - they'll be walking in a fashion show on board a cruise ship. My heart leaps at the idea of the girls modelling facemasks and HAZMAT uniforms on board the Pacific Dawn but alas, he's referring to the Queen Mary 2. Yawn.

Tahnee is nominated as a third "yet to be decided" ring-in, because as Pezza's sidekick Trevor points out "she's one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen".

AM I THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD TO TOTALLY NOT GET TAHNEE? Sure she's cute, but she's also got buck teeth, no neck and she talks like she's had a lobotomy. Or too much Botox in her forehead.


THE INCREDIBLE STATIONARY FACE GIRL.


Back at Model HQ, Blondie McPins has arranged for all the girls' mothers to visit for the day and have tea together. Everyone cries. I yawn and check my watch. The only vaguely interesting moment in this whole segment is when Lola admits she hasn't washed her bedsheets in five weeks. I love how the conversation automatically turns to laundry as soon as the mums arrive.

Next morning at the crack of sparrow's, Clare, Adele and Tahnee are sent off to the wharves in their best jailbait outfits to find the Blue Hotel. Sadly, Chris Isaak is not there to meet them, but there is Pezza's assistant Trevor!


"HI GIRLS, REMEMBER ME?"


In what is a complete waste of an opportunity for reality TV gold (ie: dragging Tahnee down to the wharves at 5am to tell her she's not required), Trev tells Tahnee that Pezza has decided she will be in the show. Tahnee reacts to this in the same way she reacts to everything - by blinking and not moving her forehead.

After being haired and makeupped, all the girls meet Identity Dawson to listen to a lecture on the Queen Mary 2 while simultaneously attempting to not be blown into the harbour. Dawson regales everyone with salty tales of the high seas, including the one about the Queen Mary 2 that has 2000 toilets on board.


"Arrrr, welcome aboard the SS ANTM, me hearties! Thar be 2000 dunnies on deck, yarr!"


Once on board all the losers are set about doing various bullshit tasks such as tying seat numbers to chairs, something which proves far too mentally taxing for Franky - although mathematics master Adele gets the swing of the "numbers increasing incrementally by one" idea almost immediately.

The parade kicks off and there's 2007 ANTM winner Alice Burdeu looking radiant in a camouflage shocker that Delta Goodrem attempted to wear at this year's MTV Awards and... hang on, Alice Burdeu is there? Why has no one so much as mentioned this yet? Why was there no obligatory "advice giving" backstage between her and the three modelettes? ARE WE SUPPOSED TO PRETEND WE DON'T KNOW WHO SHE IS? HAS SHE HAD SOME SORT OF ANTM FATWAH PUT ON HER? Or is it just that the ANTM producers have traded her in for the new, upgraded Alice model 2.0, otherwise known as Adele?


Alice through the looking glass...


All the girls do rather well on the catwalk, except for Tahnee who has to parade in the same outfit Blondie McPins has turned up in. Sadly Blondie refrains from tripping her up, throwing her in the harbour or eliminating her on the spot, all of which would have been a hilarious finale to the parade.

The captain hands the modelettes a Sarah Mail (which seems a little lazy of her given she was ON the boat and could have just TOLD them but anyway) featuring some cryptic crap about "using a camera to get to the next destination". I hope this means the models will be forced to construct a raft out of old film canisters to paddle back to shore in, but alas, it turns out they're simply going to stand on a pylon in the middle of the ocean wearing Chanel. Of course.

"So, who's going to get worms today?" asks Pease, in what may or may not be a deliberate attempt by me to misquote him for comedic purposes.

He then explains the concept of the "stranded on a pylon" shoot which, crazy as it sounds, involves standing on a pylon looking stranded.

"You're going to need your wits about you for this shoot," he continues, which kind of counts Tahnee and Adele out for the day.

Pilin' on the Chanel in the channel on a pylon challenge:

  • Cassi balances on a pylon in the middle of the ocean with a bat attacking her neck holding a handbag worth more than my car and still manages to be outshone by a random swimmer in the background.



Matching the cap to her bathers like that - that girl's a STAR.



"This is Parisian chic, she's meant to be catching a train in Paris," despairs Pease.

THEN WHY HAVE YOU GOT HER STUCK IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PUBLIC SWIMMING BATHS, YOU TWIT?

  • Meanwhile, Adele is criticised for not looking enough like she's waiting for a bus. WHERE EXACTLY DO THEY THINK THESE MODELS ARE? They're more likely to be waiting for an airlift, on top of that bloody pylon...


  • Lola is told her thighs are too big to wear Chanel. For your own personal reference at home, that means larger than this:




Actually, even these are looking a bit flabby for Chanel...


  • Laura does a grand impression of a shag on a rock.


  • Not to be outdone, Clare does an impression of a constipated poodle constructed out of marshmallow. Sadly, the "constipated marshmallow dog" look is SO 2008.


And with that, it's off to elimination which this week has clearly been sponsored by the Dental Practioners Association of Australia in aid of Healthy Teeth Month, as Blondie has come dressed as a streak of toothpaste:


Brusha, brusha, brusha...


Laura has come as plaque:


Either that, or a 1970s living room wall...


And Cassi has come as a PRAISE THE LORD, HAS SOMEONE FINALLY TAUGHT HER HOW TO DO MAKEUP?


Or did she just take note of my elimination fashion complaint from last week?


Anyway, let's picture bitch:

  • Despite being made to stand on top of a ricketty old pylon in the middle of the ocean at 5am in clothing worth more than anything she or her immediate family owns, Cassi fails to look confident in her photo. Jeez, Cassi.



I don't know who this guy is, but he's not impressed.


  • Pezza tells Laura she needs to be able to "interpret clothing" - she makes a mental note to buy a English-Clothing/Clothing-English dictionary at the next possible opportunity.


  • Lola is described as "statuesque" for about the five millionth time this series - although, admittedly, if you stand Lola on a pylon in the middle of the ocean, Colossus of Rhodes comparisons aren't going to be far away.



Like this one.


  • Adele takes Chanel and "nails it to the wall", which strangely enough is exactly what Chanel wants. That dirty tart! In other news: could Adele actually be a contender in this thing?


  • All of Tahnee's shots are declared "boring and catalogue" except for one, which was taken before she even knew she was being photographed and then Photoshopped into oblivion to make it look as though she is standing on a floating black saucer staring down into the vast expanse of nothingness below her. It is zen, it is beautiful, it is the photographic equivalent of a poem. And Tahnee had no idea she was even in it. Grand.


  • Franky takes what is possibly the worst photo of anyone on ANTM in the history of the show ever. She looks like a boxer doing the Timewarp. Or, as Dawson puts it "She delivered a beautiful bodyshape but the face says she wants to tag my wall."


  • "She's made one of the most expensive brands in the world look like average catalogue," shrieks Pezza about Laura, presumably because girls with large boobs were never meant to wear Chanel. This of course begs the question: What happens when the rest of us try to wear it?



Woo!


  • Pezza suggests Lola could be "Australia's Next Top Beautiful Big Awkward Girl", and I eagerly await an audition date so I too can be in the running for that crown.


Back at the weekly gladiator heel convention, someone's got to go, and it's down to Laura the plaque stain and Franky the boxer. This one's a definite no-brainer - even Tahnee can see what's going to happen here. And so it does - bye bye, Laura. Don't blame it on the sunshine, don't blame it on the moonlight, don't blame it on the good times - blame it on the boobies.

"Goodbye Laura, you have a career in front of you," comiserates Blondie, as the rest of the panel finishes her sentence in their heads with "...just not in modelling."

WAIT! Don't click away yet! What did you think of Laura's departure? Who's next? (Got to be Lola, right?) Leave me a comment, and then head on over here to smell what Jo Blogs' has been cookin'.



22 comments :

  1. I am still loving Clare! Your recaps are rocking as always and I predict Franky will be next =P

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  2. Your recaps are hilarious.
    I'm thinking maybe Cassi fails to look confident "because" she's in clothing worth more than anything she or her immediate family owns

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  3. Colossus + Lola = Colola
    (haha... uh.. ha)

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  4. Love your work. And no, it's not just you who doesn't get Tahnee. I'm clearly missing this indefinable whatever it is they all keep raving about. Hope she doesn't win!

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  5. Fab as always darling.

    I was bored to tears by the Channel shoot. I mean it's fricken Channel and that was the best they could come up with?

    and Perrys "buddy" looked like Forest Gump. lol

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  6. I love your comments about the props from Toys R Us and Penelope Keith (i cant believe you remember Penelope Keith..but i do he he), Another great wrap up!

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  7. Blandy baby - you are not alone! I too do not get Tahnee. I cannot see the toothsomeness onlythe teethniness.
    In other mouth related news - Franky scares me.

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  8. Surely Lola's next - I can't believe she's made it this far.

    Hey, I loved the shirt Pezza was wearing at the challenge in his store - his guns and pecks were literally bursting at the seams!

    And was it just me or was everyone else cringing as the photographer on the Chanel photoshoot called all the girls "lovely", instead of using their names.

    Hilarious!

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  9. Nice running commentary me' dear! Although one must feel for the producers who clearly have to deal with a menial non-network-tv budget for this show...

    I think Tahnee has one of the most beautiful faces i have seen! thats all i have to say about that.

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  10. limping like a lumberjack with bunions.....hmmm maybe catwalk's not for her?

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  11. Boxer doing the Time Warp. I fucking love you.

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  12. I don't get Tahnee either. She still has a bit of her baby fat, no?

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  13. Great recap as always!!

    I hope Franky is next to go. Cannot. Stand. Her.

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  14. The thing about Tahnee is that she's got an adorable little kitten face and more exciting curves than a Sunday night drive in Tasmania.

    As for Pease, he said "get THE worm". Not "A worm". In wankerese I think this counts as a masterful, Wildesque double entendre.

    I am still a total Clare fan, what with the ethereal beauty and such, but she's rapidly running out of credit on the "I only have one modelling expression" front. It's a haunting expression on a gorgeous face ... but it's only. one. expression. Even the love of my life, Alamela Asimov, has more than that.

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  15. Um, Jacques, we know that Pease said "Get the worm". Its just funnier with "get worms".

    It sucks that the "curvy" Laura went. I liked watching a model that was more than just skin and bones.
    Although I do wonder how long until she's writing a column in Zoo or posing for Ralph...

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  16. Love your wrap-ups Bland Canyon. Perhaps you should be employed as a writer for the show - a script would surely brighten things up!
    My question re: this week is what was the deal with Cassi's mum leaving? They made such a big deal about her going overseas... is she never coming back or is she going to Mexico and contracting swine flu - which could become a spin-off series!
    As for the Chanel shoot - yawn!

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  17. Your blog is the best thing about ANTM this year. I love Sarah, but laughing at Jodhi was half the fun of watching it. Am I - I think I am - having withdrawal symptoms??

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  18. I'll be devastated if they keep Franky longer than Lola.

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  19. I didn't get Tahnee at all until this episode - however she looked insanely good when she walked down the runway.

    Must've been her teeth that threw me off...

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  20. If the show has no budget, how did they pay for the insurance coverage they MUST have had before all that expensive Chanel got draped over a pack of nervous amateurs tottering on a pylon in the middle of a pool? Coco must have been rolling in her grave!

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  21. I'm new to your blog and I love every bit of it. Brilliant and spot on!
    Joygasm at seeing Alice again and I wasn't surprised by her drive-by mention.
    After blowing their budget on the block-buster special effects for all those Sarah-mails (do you have any idea the manpower it took to set up that 'I am a model and a moo-cow' bit?), I am guessing there simply wasn't enough cash to convince Alice to stop pretending she had no clue who they were. I am fairly certain Elite has convinced her that her time on ANTM was all a bad dream anyway.
    With the end of the contractual obligations comes the end of that pony-ride. Besides who needs Alice? It's Demelza's turn to dazzle the young models with her whirlwind success and...oh, right.

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  22. I LOVE
    TAHNEE!!!
    SHES THE BEST
    ...
    DONT GET CASSI THOUGH

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