Sunday, June 14, 2009

Australia's Next Top Model Wrap Up: Series 5/Ep 7

Just like the slab of Coopers Pale Ale in my fridge, we're down to the final six - and what a nailbiter it's been so far. Who would have guessed that the girl with the bad attitude, the girl with the frizzy hair and the girl no one could remember would be out of the competition already?

Fortunately, the modelettes are remaining philosophical about the situation. Particularly Adele, who once again furnishes us with a head-scratcher comment to kick off the episode.

"It's now more about feeling good that someone's gone rather than feeling sad, because it IS a competition and we DO want someone to go every week," she says, as if any of them have a choice.

Cue the next segment, which involves some royalty-free music that sounds like a direct rip-off of Third Eye Blind's Semi Charmed Life (because if you're going to rip off a song, you might as well choose a band that disappeared in the mid 90s and probably can't sue) in which we're expected to believe that Tahnee, Franky and Lola spontaneously decided to throw on some gym wear for a trek through the bush down to the riverside, so they could plait each other's hair while they gossip about the other girls.

While I don't believe this for a second, I must concede it makes for good television. FINALLY, THESE GIRLS HAVE STARTED THE BITCH SESSIONS, WHAT TOOK THEM SO BLOODY LONG?

"Clare is like Marcia Brady, probably brushing her hair 10 times on each side, it'd be like a routine," slags Tahnee, in a way that suggests she hasn't actually seen Clare do this at all, ever, but is simply guessing that she does because she has long blonde hair and is quiet.

Fortunately though one of the ANTM producers has asked Clare to stand in front of the mirror brushing her hair, so we have some stock footage of her to back up Tahnee's claims. OMG SHE TOTALLY DOES BRUSH HER HAIR!!111! CLARE IS WEIRD!11!!1

How about springing for some anti-adhesive cleaner to get those letters off the mirror instead?

"You know what I reckon Adele's doing right now? Picking at her ingrown hairs," blurts Lola.

Sadly, this isn't a joke, as we cut back to the mansion where it seems Adele is doing exactly that.

"Here's one I did last night, it came out and it was THAT long," she says, compelling thousands of viewers around the nation to forcibly hold down their dinner as she shows us her scabs.

Another redhead that makes me feel sick.

"In the beginning I think Adele was a bit nervous and shy but now she's been getting good feedback every week it has GOTTEN TO HER BIG FAT BORING HEAD," shouts Tahnee back at the riverside, in a once-in-a-lifetime display of actual personality that may or may not be an indicator of the onset of Tourettes. If she keeps this up I might actually start to like her.

The bush bitches move on to Cassi next, describing her as having a walk like a "praying mantis in heels trying to walk through the bush in a straight line drunk". Yawn. You'll never get your own blog with clumsy comparisons like that, girls. Fortunately, Cassi manages to save the joke by being her own punchline in some footage of her dancing like an utter dickhead. Hooray.

Back at Model Mansion and the production values we've come to know and love on this show skyrocket into the stratosphere with a completely mindblowing new Sarah Mail delivery - A BOTTLE FLOATING IN THE POOL.

A lesser production would have probably floated the bottle in the bath - NOT ANTM!

"IT'S IN A BOTTLE!" shrieks Franky in a manner more usually reserved for such statements as "I'VE WON 50 MILLION DOLLARS!" and "JOHNNY DEPP IS LYING NAKED IN MY BED!". No wonder the budget is so low on this show - it's not like it takes much to impress these girls.

After reading out the message and going through the obligatory "We had no idea what the message meant, we were totally stumped, we couldn't tell what we'd be up to" comments from the show's unofficial narrator Adele, the girls head off to the Sheraton to meet Identity Dawson who tells them they're going to be ambassadors for Virgin.

"How ironic!" "Huh?"

Really, sometimes these jokes just write themselves.

The girls are made to memorise a list of dot points on a press release featuring such tough information as what Virgin does (hint: it involves flying) and how many wings their planes have (hint: more than one but less than three), are shoved into a uniform and sent off to talk to a bunch of journalists who couldn't give a stuff about what they have to say because IT'S ALL IN DOT POINTS ON A PRESS RELEASE.

Assuming the journos will hang on their every, poorly-rehearsed word about Virgin's fascinating new international service to LA, the models are quite perturbed when it turns out all they want to do is ask them about THE NATIONAL TELEVISION SHOW THEY'RE ON.

"Are you serious? But I've learned all this shit about duty free!"

Virgin in the headlights challenge in a nutshell:

  • Lola seems surprised when a Woman's Day reporter asks how she feels about being a "plus sized model", despite being told at least three times each episode that she is "manly", "solid" and "statuesque".

  • Tahnee gets her Vs in a twist and bangs on about Victoria's Secret instead of Virgin, leading to one of the most delightfully mental exchanges I think I've ever heard in a press conference or otherwise:

    REPORTER: "Do you think that, as an ambassador for V Australia, you should have been talking about Victoria's Secret for half of this press conference?"

    TAHNEE: "Victoria's Secret underwear comes in nude colours, so you can wear it under your uniform."

    Tahnee - I think I'm beginning to fall in love with you just a little bit.

  • In an effort to dispel her "prissy" image Clare tries to appear cool and nonchalant by rolling her eyes and saying "whatever" a lot, but ends up coming off more like the title role in Good Girl Gone Bad, an after-school teen drama in which a straight-A high school student turns to shoplifting and smoking in an effort to fit in with the cool crowd, but eventually sees the error of her ways and returns to the comfort of her family, her faithful dog Slippers and homework.

  • Not to be outdone, Franky threatens to kill one of the reporters before answering a question about lighting on the plane with "Well, that's pretty darn obvious." Exactly right Franky - tell those lazy journos it's on the farken press release.

  • "You shouldn't lie to a journalist, because a journalist's job is to find out the TRUTH!" shrieks the reporter from Woman's Day, that bastion of journalistic integrity.

  • Cassi turns her presentation into a therapy session, revealing that she's quitting smoking after six years because it's... hang on, isn't she 16? CASSI HAS BEEN SMOKING SINCE SHE WAS 10?

Or maybe even earlier.

The slaughtering session finally finished, the modelettes rock downstairs to find another budget-busting Sarah Mail deliver - this time the envelope is sitting on top of some marked-down Priceline Christmas decorations.

"HOW AWESOME DOES THAT LOOK?" shrieks Cassi, proving once again the producers' thriftiness has paid off - for the models at least, if not for the completely unimpressed viewing public.

"A designer is only as good as the star who wears her clothes," she reads, before experiencing a brainwave and gasping "We'll be wearing clothes, maybe?"

Tahnee is clever.
(And yes, I know I've made this joke before, but isn't anyone else disturbed by the way Tahnee talks? THE GIRL CAN'T BLINK.)

Off they all pop to meet Pease Porridge and Blondie McPins, who tells them the photos from their next shoot will all be auctioned off on the ANTM website to raise money for Fashion Targets Breastcancer - a charity that will no doubt be thrilled to receive the $2.45 the models will raise in this way.

All of them get slapped into designer gowns, thrown on a trampoline and shot - which isn't half as exciting as that sentence makes it sound. However the session is made rather more interesting by the presence of the slightly creepy American photographer/director couple who spend most of the shoot barking at the girls before cosying up together all touchy-feely style and saying how great they were.


Meanwhile, is anyone else thinking this?

Weirdo trampoline shoot in a nutshell:

  • Clare gushes at the idea she'll be "sharing armpit sweat" with Nicole Kidman by wearing a pre-loved Collette Dinnigan dress - has Dinnigan never heard of dry cleaning? Gross.

  • Cassi manages to conquer the "jumping up and down on a trampoline" part of the brief but is continually reprimanded for not pointing her toes. "She had a hard time nailing the feet," says the photographer.

I guess that means her role in next year's Easter play will have to be recast.

  • Despite 40 minutes of jumping up and down on a trampoline bearing more than a slight resemblance to A GYM WORKOUT, everyone tut-tuts and acts unimpressed when Cassi finishes her shoot out of breath and sweating. "That's what smoking does to you," says Tahnee. Replace the word "smoking" with "exercise", and I think you've got it. Probable auction price: $0.75

  • Dressing Clare in soft pink Collette Dinnigan and diamonds and making her look like a floating spirit fairy results in a great photo. In other news: Lola is not going to do well at this shoot. Probable auction price: $10.

  • "YOU ARE TOTALLY OUT OF CONTROL!" barks the director at Adele who, sadly, is not collapsed in the corner with a half empty bottle of bourbon pashing some tattooed bloke while giving everyone the finger but simply flapping her arms around a bit. Clearly the definition of "out of control" is wildly variable. Probable auction price: $3.50.

  • For the 639th time this season Lola is told to "relax her mouth", which leads to a horrifying sequence of shots that I'm considering using as the trailer for my new horror film MOUTH OF HORROR 2: THE RE-LOLA-ING.

Run, don't walk from THE MOUTH.

  • Franky doesn't really nail the "ethereal, spirit-like beauty" feel of the shoot, but does nail the "blind spastic child who's just been giving a trampoline for her birthday" vibe. Probable auction price: $25, purely for comedic value.

After the shoot, Pease congratulates them all on a job... er... done.

"And you haven't seen the last of those dresses," he adds, probably referring to the fact that after sweating in them for 40 minutes they'll be forced to pay for the dry cleaning themselves. What, you think the ANTM budget's going to cover that?

I don't think so.

Back at Model HQ, Cassi walks downstairs and sees that there's a Sarah Mail there.

"I walked downstairs and I saw that there was a Sarah Mail there," says Cassi, in another brilliant piece of scriptwriting that describes word for word exactly what we've just seen Cassi do.

"Charity begins at home, but should not end there," reads Cassi.

"Well it's obviously something to do with charity, because that's what we've been learning about this week," blurts Clare, seemingly missing the dead giveaway factor that the word "charity" was actually used in the message.

The modelettes get into their advertisement and drive through several reels of stock footage of Sydney before arriving at another advertisement for their challenge.

Pease Porridge is there to meet them and explains the girls will be forced to sell their clothes for charity at a celebrity party. I can't wait to see how much Cassi's Snoop Dogg hoodie goes for! Oh wait, I think I may have gotten that wrong. Seems they're actually going to be auctioning off the designer dresses they jumped around in and sweated into earlier in the day. OMG: SOME LUCKY PERSON IS GOING TO GET A DRESS STAINED WITH CLARE AND NICOLE KIDMAN'S SWEAT!

All the girls are nervous about the upcoming catwalk show, but luckily Pease has brought in a transvestite Patsy Biscoe impersonator to give them all some runway tips.

"Hellooooo children!"

All the girls gather round for a sing-song but when Biscoe fails to produce a guitar everyone realises it's actually Mink and disperses, disappointed.

"There's tons of celebrities out there, this is your time to shine," enthuses Pease, and he's not wrong. Beyonce's turned up, as well as a completely coked-out Kate Moss!

Oh wait, hang on...

After the particularly uneventful catwalk parade, the models are sent out into the party to bore people about the dress they're wearing while simultaneously trying to avoid dropping canapes on themselves. Tahnee and Cassi pencil in "salesperson" right underneath "Virgin ambassador" on their evergrowing list of careers they'll never have, after Tahnee spends most of the party trying to convince a 50 year old woman to buy her bright yellow see-through size 6 dress, and Cassi works her sales pitch on a single man.

Franky is declared the best and Cassi the worst, for which she is punished by being made the house slave to Franky's queen for the day. This of course leads to many hilarious incidents in which Cassi is made to wash dishes, do laundry and tidy up which are all far too interesting to be detailed here. Excluding Franky's request that Cassi throw tampons on the ground in front of her as she walks, a bit where Cassi reads Franky a bedtime story from Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus and a sequence in which Franky and Tahnee rap about eggs (no, I'm not making that up) this segment is predictably mundane. I recommend Youtubing it for the egg rap alone.

And with the lyrical wizadry of the egg rap still scrambling in our ears, we're whisked off (get it?) to elimination, where Tahnee is proving that she's either

a) got a good eye for a knock-off
b) got more money than we thought
c) best friends with Beyonce

So, which one's the designer frock again?

The judging panel this week includes Ruby Rose, otherwise known as that good looking lesbian wot pashed one of the Veronicas and that, and Identity Dawson who always looks completely gorgeous except in this shot, in which she looks like a rare Amazonian rainforest frog eyeing off a dragonfly:

Sorry Dawson - I paused it and just couldn't ignore the comedic value...

As the girls have been learning all about how to project a clean image to the media this week, I'm so glad Ruby Rose is there to help them. Clearly her advice has not been lost on Lola.

Alex Perry meanwhile has obviously been reading my blog and has heard my impassioned pleas for a bit more fashion critique in the elimination warehouse (praise be!).

"Adele, did you just get out of bed honey? Is that your nightie?" he snips, as I squeal with delight on the couch.

"Franky, you and lycra need to stay away from one another for a little while.

"Tahnee, you stole that from some woman at Jupiter's Casino on the pokie machines.

"Cassi - trailer trash. Clare, sweetheart - underwear as outerwear is 'pole dancer', and Lola, at some point I'm sure you could string that dress up and turn it into a car seat cover," he finishes triumphantly without an "expensive" to be seen.

In spite of the fact that Tahnee's dress looks pretty much exactly like the one they just auctioned off for presumably hundreds of dollars at that charity auction, I'm going to have to give Pezza a standing ovation for this effort. REPLACE THAT MAN'S SUNGLASSES WITH A CROWN, FOR TRULY HE IS THE KING OF THE BITCHY FASHION COMEBACK.


Speaking of bitching, let's picture bitch:

  • Adele looks like a stick insect that's been caught on decorative flypaper and left to die.

Not sure how this works as an image for cancer fundraising but the judges seemed to like it.

  • Not to be outdone, Franky looks like a cockroach that's been caught on decorative flypaper and left to die.

I'm sensing a theme here.

  • Ruby Rose declares Tahnee's body "phenomenal". Lola feels jealous. The photographer says that out of 10, he'd give her an 11. "That means you did really good!" shrieks Adele, the resident mathematician.

  • Cassi does a great job of convincing the judges how hard she tried at the photoshoot because of how passionately she supports the fight against cancer - until it's pointed out that she's been smoking since she was 10 years old. Oops. Despite looking like she's half way through the chicken dance in her photo, everyone calls her Christmas and declares it shot of the week - so in the end it doesn't make a shit of difference whether she's a smoker or not. Glad we got that sorted out.

  • Clare looks like a cross-eyed, hypnotised angel on crack, which strangely enough is still rather beautiful. Damn that girl.

The hypnotised crack-addicted angel with a stigmatism look is so hot this season.

  • Roby Rose cements herself as one of my favourite guest judges ever by doing an impression of Clare with a knife at the end of her bed. I'm assuming she's referring to Clare's vaguely mad facial expressions (although who knows what sort of kinky bedroom shit Ruby gets into?).

Despite the judges raving about Lola's photo, and despite her being one of the few modelettes to actually give a passable performance in front of the media, and despite Cassi looking like trailer trash and doing the chicken dance in her shot, and despite Pezza describing Franky as "a lump", and despite Blondie admitting she "doesn't get" Adele, and despite Tahnee giving bizarre descriptions of Victoria's Secret underwear at a press conference about an airline, and despite a million and one reasons to get rid of anyone else but her, Lola is given the boot.

In one last act of defiance, Lola proves she's no gentle giant by shrieking "IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN CASSI!" and throwing Cassi's beloved stuffed toy into the pool.

"There goes next week's Sarah Mail idea," weep the producers.

OK - it was almost a week late, but better late than never, right? Leave me a comment, and then get over to Jo Blogs if you haven't already.


  1. it was worth the wait! awesome wrap up petstarr!

  2. Yay so happy it's up. I didn't realise how much it would affect me.

    Hilarious once again but I's assuming you must have not seen the part where the sarah mail arrives via dart onto the fashion targets cancer. Because it's a target! It's just so damn clever! How do they come up with it.

    And also thanks for using Identity again. Makes my day

  3. I think Cassie should have gone simply because her walk is atrocious. It doesn't help that her photo was shit too.

    Is Sarah falling into the Jodhello trap of having favourites and letting them through even when they clearly should have been kicked out?

  4. your blog is fucking fucking funny!
    cheers for the laughs

  5. Best. Wrapup. yet! Thank you!

  6. I start laughing even before reading it. You are magic.

    I still don't get why they keep Frank in. Clare is getting the personality edit. And Sarah is clearly favoring Tahnee (why?).

    Keep up the good work.

  7. The best part was the comment about the budget not extending to dry cleaning. I LOL'd lots.

  8. Thanks for saving me from having to watch the actual show : )
    Love your blog!

  9. Is it just me, or did Mink's hair look absolutely horrible at that charity event?

  10. Yet again, awesome wrap-up PetStarr.

    Of the bipartisan ANTM wrap-up blog system, you are my preferred total bitch.

    Nice work.

  11. Fantastic wrap! Where do you find those pics!? Together with the brilliantly funny captions, they lift this blog into the stratosphere. What about compiling the best of them into a ANTM calendar, in time for Christmas? I'd pay serious money...

  12. "We'll be wearing clothes maybe"

    I love Tahnee!!!

  13. I have just installed iStripper, and now I can watch the best virtual strippers on my taskbar.