Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Australia's Next Top Model Wrap Up: Series 5/Ep 9

OH MY GOD, we're down to the FINAL FOUR - can you feel the excitement? Or actually, as this is ANTM - can you fee-eel the chay-aay-aaaange?

There may be four left standing, but as Adele has no doubt already calculated in that gorgeous, gigantic brain of hers, only one can win. Fortunately all the losers who aren't picked up by Priscilla's (what, you think you actually have to WIN this thing to be a model?) will be able to find work in the Clash cover band Cassi is putting together - after several weeks of highly irritating rehearsals she's almost perfected their first song, Should I Stay Or Should I Go.


And she's already got the Joe Strummer teeth, so she's halfway there with costuming already.


Despite not even having an album out yet, the band is already preparing for its first tour to the UK - Cassi is so excited she Googles the lyrics to London Calling so she can practise on the plane.

Suddenly Blondie McPins turns up to give the girls a parting present - a 10 year old Nokia 5110 she got from Cash Converters so they can keep in touch with the motherland while they're away. That's right - just the one. What, you think the ANTM budget would allow them to have one EACH?


I don't think so.


"It's really good to see Sarah before we go because she's kind of like a mum type thing to us now," says Cassi.

I'm not exactly sure what a "mum type thing" is, but this is what Google Images suggests:


I can't guarantee this is what Blondie's look like.


Clare farewells HQ as she loads her luggage into the car: "Goodbye mansion, goodbye pool, goodbye gym..."


"Goodbye!"


The band arrives in Abu Dhabi after what is a presumably uneventful journey (given that there is no footage of Adele vomiting in the aisle or Cassi bumpressing the windows on takeoff) and enjoys some hard-earned pampering advertising dollar-funded and completely undeserved wining, dining and beauty treatments at the Etihad VIP lounge. Unfortunately it seems none of the girls got fresh with a stewardess either, which could have led to a thrilling "Arabian jail" themed photo shoot.


"Wow, Cassi looks hot in that photo!"
"Isn't that Adele?"


Finally the girls arrive in the middle of some amazing establishing shots of Heathrow airport (Arrivals! Departures! TOILETS!) and are snapped by a "paparazzo", ie: some pov tourist the producers have bribed with a phone call home and a pack of duty free smokes to pretend to take photos of them all.

But he's nothing compared to the faux-sunglasses-wearing specimen of manhood that is Gerry Deveaux - Stylist, who is there to meet them. He's like an English version of Pease, but with less 1980s influences. And more American accent. He bundles them into a mini van and they all hoon off to the city.

"There's heritage sort of castles everywhere," muses Adele intelligently as they drive past Big Ben. Yeeeees, sweetie.... castles....

Meanwhile, Cassi says London reminds her of her boyfriend because there are a lot of brick buildings, and her boyfriend is a brickie. Yeeeees, sweetie... bricks...


One of the many fab postcards you can buy in swingin' London!


On the other side of the MENSA bus Tahnee somehow ignores both the castles and the bricks to marvel at how London is full of "really white people"...


Meanwhile, Clare and Adele can't see what all the fuss is about.


...while Clare is busy ogling an "English couple" who are more than likely Belgian tourists, possibly trying to find historic Big Ben Castle on their "Amazing Brick Buildings of London" walking tour.

After this comprehensive look at London the girls arrive in the middle of a rather large advertisement for the Sanderson, a five star hotel they immediately lower the tone of by walking through the lobby. They are given the keys to the penthouse, which prompts lots of girly squealing - if they throw in some dicking about with blusher brushes they'll have a passable imitation of last week's Telstra advertisement.

"This is the best hotel I've ever been in," says Clare, who at 16 years old shouldn't really have any authority on these sorts of matters but seems to anyway.

Just as Cassi's about to nab the biggest bedroom (with a stainless-steel plated ensuite that looks like it could double as a water torture room in a mental institution)(so probably quite apt for Cassi, then) she is pipped at the post by Tahnee and Clare who invoke the watertight "Shotgun" rule.

"Whatever - I wasn't really in the mood for an argument," says Cassi.


In other news, Satan's heating bill increased by 75% this week.


"I ended up sharing with Cassi which is fair enough because the other two don't get along with her as well as I do, so I would have been sorry for them if they'd been stuck with her," says Adele, the newly crowned Queen of the Backhander.

"I FEEL LIKE JULIA ROBERTS IN PRETTY WOMAN - but after she was a crack whore," says Clare, who has clearly never seen either Pretty Woman or a crack whore in her life. Let's hope there's one at this week's photo shoot for her to pose with.

Suddenly the Nokia 5110 bursts into life and it's Blondie video-calling from Australia - what, you think they could afford to send her to London too? Actually I don't think she's even calling them - HELLO, do you have any idea what international video call rates are?? - it's a pre recorded clip stored on the phone. Sigh. Sadly no one decides to skip forward and view all the clips at once so we can find out who's being booted off this week already - we're instead forced to go meet Gerry Fauxpease to discover "the London look".


Which I think is this.


They arrive on what looks to be the set of the next Austin Powers film - Austin Powers: Fashion Assassin - in which Fauxpease is clearly playing the villain.

"Hey ladies," he swaggers ominously as he swings around to face them in a strange transparent bubble suspended from the ceiling, before whisking them away to the high street for some shopping.

"OHHH, TOP SHOP!" squeals Clare which, for those of you who are unaware, is rather like squealing in excitement when you see SUPRE.

"I have a really European style, and these are all European clothes which is what I like," she continues in an impressive display of her geography knowledge.

While they're shopping, Fauxpease gives them some really useful fashion tips such as "team a gorgeous $5000 Burberry bag with the cheap stuff you buy at Top Shop". Cassi tries to take notes but all she gets down is "BAG CHEAP STUFF AT TOP SHOP" which rather suits her anyway.

They press on to Selfridges where a giant sequinned Wookie is there to meet them, straight from the set of the new disco-themed Star Wars film and... oh hang on...


That's no wookie!
(You're making the noise in your head now though, aren't you?)


Yes, it's Elle McPherson, who takes them into a tiny room to talk to them in a decidedly weird accent that can only be described as "Amerenglian" crossed with a six year old retarded child. Lucky she's got those legs.

The Big Mac craps on a bit about loving yourself and looking after your body, and tells the girls how she likes to meditate to "connect with her core light". Apparently this also helps her to strengthen her vocal cords for more efficient yelling at staff too.

"I don't know if I 'inspire' young girls," she says coyly, conveniently ignoring the fact that she hasn't been a role model for about 20 years and young girls all idolise Miranda Kerr these days.

The Big Mac throws some more advertisements at them before they're packed off to a random cafe in the middle of nowhere where they "receive" another "video call" from Blondie. She tells them they were all "secretly photographed" at the airport - er, do you mean by that very obvious lone paparazzi all the girls pointed out in the arrivals hall? THAT secret photographer? - and because Adele managed to look the least retarded, she's won tickets to a movie that night. Or something Sarah found down the back of the couch, I can't remember which.

As it turns out she HAS won tickets to a movie - the UK premiere of Fast and Furious, otherwise known as That Film With Heaps of Broom Brooms and Half Naked Chicks and Vin Diesel I Think. Adele is like, heaps excited cos like, it's her favourite movie like, EVER, and she takes Cassi to go with her and have a fully sick time.

They get dressed up as two bag ladies from the East Suffolk County Players' production of Oliver Twist (not sure if this was a requirement of the evening or if they were just trying to get "the London look") and have a great time walking the red carpet and seeing all the stars, and ruining people's photos by standing in front of those stars on the red carpet - it's an awesome night.

Meanwhile back at the hotel, Tahnee and Clare are whooping it up by prancing about in bathrobes pretending to be Adele and Cassi.


Just 99p.


When Miss and Mrs Bagsalot get back to the hotel room there's a Sarah Mail awaiting them, which I'm guessing wasn't mailed at all (do you KNOW how much international postage costs??) but simply placed there in one of the least interesting Sarah Mail deliveries ever. What, no bottle? No plastic toy animals? NO BOTTLE?


The GFC is clearly taking its toll.


"Tomorrow could be one of the most toughest days of your life," reads Adele. So at least they saved money on proofreading, then.

As it turns out, tomorrow won't be anywhere near the most toughest day of their lives as it's "go sees" day which, as everyone who's ever watched Australia's Next Top Model before knows, is about as tough as walking in a straight line. Er... I mean jumping up and down on a trampoline. Oh, er... I mean lying motionless on a slab of ice. Um, er... Well anyway it's pretty fucking easy. Which explains why the girls arrive at their first agency with a minimum of fuss.

"Take a seat and let's have a look at your box," says the director, as I wonder just what kind of agency this is. (OK so she said "books" - whatever.)

"So, who entered you?" she asks Tahnee, which is rather a personal question for a first meeting, I think. Fortunately Tahnee knows nothing of innuendo, so doesn't take any offence.

She deems Clare and Tahnee both "gorgeous" and Cassi a "no-brainer", which is possibly the most accurate description of her to date.

"She needs her teeth fixed, but she's great," she says.


NO, really?


But she's most overjoyed to hear Adele got good marks at school - which possibly doesn't bode well for what she thinks of her future as a model. They might as well have DON'T GIVE UP YOUR DAY JOB, ADELE running along the bottom of the screen while she talks. Meanwhile, at the next agency Tahnee is asked if she's considered acting - as DON'T GIVE UP YOUR DAY JOB, TAHNEE scrolls across the bottom of the screen.

Back at the hotel, Fauxpease has paid off a hungover tramp to break into the girls' room while they're at breakfast.


"Oi, this isn't the Old Kent Road...?"


As it turns out, he's a photographer, and they're going to be traipsing around London with him posing with stereotypes and cliches for the day - like boring tourists with too much makeup on.

Adele is plonked into a dress supposedly worth $100,000, which I could more easily believe if I thought you could buy garbage bags worth that much. Cassi is given a boring sundress that could easily have come from K Mart, Clare looks like Madonna from 1992, while Tahnee resembles something you'd buy at a craft fair that's filled with cloves.


The London look.


London cliche photoshoot in a nutshell:

  • Tahnee hangs out in front of Big Ben, makes Adele jealous for getting to pose in front of a castle.


  • Cassi hangs off the side of a bus, makes public transport look attractive.


  • Adele hangs out of a telephone booth, probably because the girls only have one mobile phone and she needs to call for help to get out of the hideous dress she's been forced to wear.


  • Clare hangs outside the front door of Number 10 Downing St looking like a call girl trying to escape News of the World photographers and gives everyone a lecture on sexiness which, coming as it does froma 16 year old girl, is neither interesting, useful nor enlightening.


To complete the London cliche cycle the girls take a London black cab back to the hotel.

"'Ere girls, I've got somefink for ya," says the cabbie as he reaches into his pocket - something many a young girl has heard at the end of a cab ride they're not paying for. Fortunately this time it's just a Sarah Mail. Whoopee.

Next thing you know the girls are back in the elimination warehouse in Sydney - which indicates they spent something like three days in London, two of them travelling. That was worth it.

It's such a HUGE elimination day, everyone is SO pumped to be there - especially guest judge, former winner Alice Burdeu, who is so thrilled she can barely contain her excitement:


I AM JUMPING OUT OF MY SKIN JUST TO BE HERE.


So without further ado, let's picture bitch - LONDON STYLE:

  • Clare's decidedly uninspiring photo flashes up on screen and the most positive thing anyone can say is "Well, there you are!". Negative comments are, however, in abundance.


  • Adele's photo makes her look like a hooker trying to call her crack dealer at 3am from a phone booth with a broken door that she has to keep open with her foot. Either that, or it's a poster advertisement for pap smears. So much for the $100,000 dress.


  • The photo of Cassi hanging off a bus makes her look, strangely enough, like she's hanging off a bus. Sadly, fashion and buses don't mix.


  • Tahnee manages to not look fat, ugly, retarded or boring in her shot and so is deemed the best of the day. Until the judges remember this guy:


    THE LONDON LOOK!


    And award the prize to him instead.


As it always does, it comes down to just two - pale brunette Tahnee and pale redhead Adele. And given that there's already one pale redhead in the room making shitloads of money from walking up and down a catwalk wearing pretty dresses it's fairly obvious who's going to get the boot this week - bye Adele. She packs her bags and checks out of the hotel and... hang on, hotel? What the hell happened to the model mansion?


Uh oh, did Cassi leave a fag burning...?


Seriously though, what DID happen to the model mansion? Why are they staying in a hotel? Leave your thoughts in the comments, why don't you. And before you go anywhere else, head to Jo Blogs for more model fun times, LONDON STYLE.



20 comments :

  1. All of their pictures looked like crap and when they ALL look that way, a lot of the blame needs to be somewhere other then the models.

    No real surprises in this episode though.

    Thanks much! Enjoyable as always!!

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  2. possibly the boringest episode everrrr
    love your blog though!

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  3. Loved it!

    Top Shop isn't like Supre though.

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  4. Does anyone else think that Gerry Deveaux looks like the long lost brother of Nick and Drew Lachey?

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  5. Not the most exciting episode but great wrap up!! Don't know how Alice manages to walk up and down a runway, she seemed so weak and tired from just sitting at the desk!!

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  6. Love your blog. Got to agree with the first comment, last nights photos look suspiciously like stills lifted from video - blah -
    and what's with ANTM putting 16yo Cassi in all of those revolting red dresses - euuch, bad form, thankfully she missed out on the Special K swimsuit in ep.1

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  7. Did anyone think it strange that the girls went back in the cab WEARING the clothes from the shoot? including the 100,000 dress!! I like Clare the best but i bet bloody Cassi wins

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  8. Alice Burdeau - could she have been any more bored and over it?

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  9. Your blogs are addictive because you write so well! Thank you for your posts - they always have me laughing!

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  10. Did Blondie McPins really call Cassie a "Boganista"? Or some such bogan related word? She looked more like a hooker-ista in that dress and heels....

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  11. I feel like those pictures were chosen just so that the judges could justify their choices. They could not have been the best of the photos we saw being taken.

    Great wrap-up!

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  12. As soon as they showed Expensive Perry disagreeing with the decision I knew they'd chosen to keep ol' Bucko McBogantooth in the competition.

    Also, how is a smock worth $100,000?

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  13. Ah, I love your wrap ups. Worth watching the show for.

    Did anyone else think it was mighty strange that in a penthouse that large, they had the girls sharing beds?

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  14. Love your blog petstarr. Is it just me or did Cassies dress look like the left strap was just tucked into the inside of the dress??

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  16. Love, love LOVE your wrap ups! Even if they do put mental images of Cassis teeth in my head (like seeing them on tv isnt horrifying enough)

    And that dress was worth 100K the same way as the rag i used to wipe up the mess on my kitchen floor when I dropped an egg is worth 100K.

    Just coz you say it is, doesnt mean it is. Its worth what someone would PAY for it. And Im pretty sure it belongs on the clearance rack at supre/top shop. Poor Adele. Boring, redheaded like Alice AND dressed in cheap crap. What chance did she have?

    What, not EXPENSIVE enough?

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  17. The most interesting thing about this episode was "guest judge" Alice's complete lack of interest in appearing on the show. Unless, she was rehearsing her deer in the headlights expression for an upcoming catwalk show in Milan.

    Outstanding recap as always.
    Yours,
    Subterranean Zeus

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  18. There does not seem to be any criteria for the judging and everyone has their own ideas about what australia's next top model means - Tahnee had the best picture yet they put her in the bottom two.

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