Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Australia's Next Top Model Wrap Up: Series 5/Ep 10

OMG IT'S LIKE, TOYTALLY THE PENULTIMATE EPISODE!!! We are like, SOY down to the final three scrags and by the end of the night we'll be like, SOY TOYTALLY down to the final two! OMG!!1!1!111

Have a random picture of Adele to celebrate.

Given the importance of this event, coupled with the fact that the only remaining episode in the series is next week's TOYTALLY LIVE FINALLY which I will be personally attending (if my boss gives me the day off... fingers crossed), I thought it was appropriate to have a quick look back at the loser modelettes who paved the way for our top three - Tahnee, Cassi and Adelaide's finest, Clare.

Laura T.

As yes, Laura T - most memorable for being the one that wasn't Laura M. Remember that time she... no wait, that was someone else. Er... moving on.


Leah - the girl I initially thought looked rather like Sam from season four but who actually ended up looking more like Paloma from season three. Or like a busted sandshoe, as she does here.

Laura M.

Laura M - the one Pezza thought was a dead ringer for Lucy Liu solely because she was Asian, was dismissed in episode 6 with Blondie's immortal words: "You have a career in front of you." Unfortunately she also had two massive knockers in front of her which precluded her from ever modelling Chanel.

(Was it mandatory for all contestants to have a name starting with L this year or what?)

Lola, aka "The Jaw", had a mandible the size of a Mini Minor and could accidentally swallow small children whole when sneezing. Sadly she never accidentally inhaled Cassi, so we've had to put up with her for the whole series.


Adele - possibly the spawn of Alamela the Ranga Modelbot and Alexandra the Goot-Loving Manchild from season 4, this rather stiff little number had about as much facial range as Harrison Ford on Botox. But WOW was she good at maths.


Mikarla - the season's undisputed bogan queen until Cassi stepped up, put down her Bacardi Breezer, puffed Winnie Blue smoke in her face and yanked her crown away, this Claudia Schiffer lookalike fell victim to the patented ANTM "after school special - teach them a moralistic lesson" campaign in episode 4 and was booted due to "bad attitude". Meanwhile, Cassi remains as yet undefeated... Go figure.


Er... um... Anyone? Anyone at all remember this chick?


From the first hair flick of the opening credits we knew we were going to get something special from Madison. Despite the fact that they've made her look about 45 years old in this sequence, Maddy turned into quite a looker. Apart from the frizzy hair. And the bad skin. And the... oh look, I'm sure she's a nice girl.


Franky wasn't the most reliable model on the block, which perhaps explains why they got Deni Hines drunk and used her in the opening titles instead.


She was from Adelaide and... stuff.

Ahem, right so with that trip down nostalgia lane over and done with let's get into it - this week's episode kicks off with a visit to Priscilla's modelling agency, where Blondie McPins has arrived to show off her new chest tattoo:

Blondie's bitchin' chest ink makes all the girls swoon.

Blondie and P-Money tell the girls they'll be doing totally-real-and-not-already-predetermined catwalk castings for "top designers" for Australian Fashion Week. Cassi has her fingers crossed for Supre.

And so off they go in their shiny blue advertisement to Ginger and Smart, where they... Sorry? Ginger and Smart. No, Ginger and SMART. They're designers. DESIGNERS, I said. GINGER AND SMA - look, it doesn't matter, they're at a casting, OK?

Either Ginger or Smart (I can't tell which, as neither of them is visibly either) tells Clare she needs to "embody" what the label is all about, which apparently is being "modern, polished and effortless".

Like a doorknob.

Clare pulls off a perfect doorknob impression which scores her a place in their show, and she rushes out to tell the others who are crouched on the floor on the sparse G&S hallway. Soooo maybe don't expect a paycheck anytime soon, Clare - times are obviously tough round this company.

  Meanwhile, next week's models will be asked to embody "wooden, four-legged and comfortable".

Next up is Tahnee, who fails to get a guernsey, followed by Cassi, who is sure to impress.

How could this girl NOT be a model?

In a big purple sack dress she limps through the office like Grimace on crack, almost tripping up on her own shoes, and finishes off with a big, gummy smile. It's obviously a shock when she doesn't get the gig.

So it's off to Wayne Cooper for the next casting. Monsieur Cooper describes Clare as "smouldering" and Tahnee as "all woman" which , apart from being completely creepy, given she is 17, I think means she has hips. Cassi once again does her Boris Karloff impression down the catwalk which is about as impressive as her Grimace impression, and somehow still lands the gig. Guess Cooper's not being too choosy these days, what with the GFC and all.

"Clare had booked two shows and Cassi had booked one and I'd booked none," explains Tahnee, who has clearly taken over from Adele as the resident maths brain of the group.

Off to Nicola Finetti, where Cassi decides to try out a new catwalk impression: that of a wonky supermarket trolley.

It was nothing like this - but don't you think this girl looks like a wonky supermarket trolley? Best clip ever.

Actually it's more like a WHINY supermarket trolley, as after she slips over in her high heels which AFTER 10 WEEKS SHE STILL HASN'T LEARNED HOW TO WALK IN she blames it on her "weak ankles". Weak excuse? Yes. Weak ankle? No.

Tahnee throws on a hideous dress made out of what Nicola found on the factory floors at Inghams and does her best to make it look good, but only elicits a murmur from the man himself that sounds a little like "She's very perforated I think". I have no idea what this means, but his assistant seems to think it's funny. Er, how about some subtitles? The man sounds like an extra in the Godfather for god's sake.

Cassi doesn't get the gig because her walk isn't "sexy and 80s" enough.

What about "sexy" and "in her 80s"?

Remembering he can claim all charitable donations back on tax, Nicola reluctantly gives the perforated Tahnee a go, and obviously Clare also gets in because she's an awesome, arse-kicking fairy princess who can do no wrong. CLARE FOR PM!

Then it's off to walk for a swimwear designer called Something and Something (aren't they all? Doesn't anyone work ALONE anymore?) which Clare fails because she doesn't have boobs, Tahnee fails because she does have boobs and Cassi wins, despite looking like a bogan chopstick wrapped in a couple of bandaids.

Finally they all troop off to a big advertisement for Diet Coke where they meet Pease (what the hell? Has he been absent for like, five episodes or what?) and do a catwalk audition for what feels like the 500th time this episode.

"You can't just be a skinny, hungry-looking bitch model, you've got to be bubbly," says Clare, who has clearly been studying her Diet Coke commercials in preparation for this very day.

Diet Coke. It's got bubbles.

In an event as unpredictable as the jokes in Rove's opening monologue, all three modelettes get the job. Yay. Are we finished with go-sees yet? THANK GOD.

It's time for the Ginger and Smart show - Clare stands backstage, wide-eyed and amazed at all the goings on of a real, live fashion show.

"There were models, and photographers and DRESSES," she gasps. Next episode: Clare goes to a library, and marvels at all the books.

She slinks down the catwalk in a naught but a test pattern and a tuxedo jacket, and somehow looks a million dollars. Not only does she look great but she manages to break several laws of physics by, as Blondie says, both fitting in AND standing out. IS THERE ANYTHING THIS GIRL CAN'T DO? (Apart from gain a natural tan?)

Then it's off to Wayne Cooper - or is it ALICE Cooper? Judging by the makeup, quite possibly:

She's in the department of youth.

"Not only did he have the judges in the audience, but he had MASSIVE VIPs in the audience too," says Cassi, a valiant attempt to suck up to Wayne Cooper that is rather undermined by the accompanying footage, which shows Kerri-Anne Kennerley and two miscellaneous 20-somethings I've never seen before in my life.

Sadly, other massive VIPs couldn't make it.

Meanwhile, Cassi prepares by going through her mental checklist of things not to do on the catwalk: stack it, swear or look like a retarded eight year old from the 70s.

Two out of three ain't bad.

But as usual Cassi's biggest challenge is walking in a straight line, which she fails by making a beeline for the front row halfway down the catwalk. I blame the sunglasses.

"I have no idea what to expect," monotones Tahnee as she gets haired and madeup for the Nicola Finetti show. Here's a hint, Tahnee - lots of people sitting around a catwalk that you walk up and down. Think you can handle that?

Tahnee takes to the runway and... woah... I mean... JEEZ. GOOD LORD - do they have no bras backstage for the girl to wear? It's like the opening sequence of Baywatch, for christ's sake. Who knew Tahnee's knockers were that big?

Tahnee turns at the end of the runway and one side of the audience quickly ducks to avoid being knocked out by her nipples.

"There's something about Tahnee," says Blondie. Two things I think, actually.

The next day, lovely models Tahnee and Clare decide to do their bit for charity by bringing a young homeless boy along with them to Fashion Week and... oh, hang on.

Nice to see she dressed up for the occasion.

And it's off to the Anna and Boy show, which is being held in a corridor somewhere in the outer suburbs of Sydney. Cassi stomps up and down in bathers, white socks and brogues (well what do YOU wear to the beach?) and everyone calls her Christmas, despite her looking like a car accident victim who's only just learned how to walk again.

"This is the tightest top three ever, I don't know how to eliminate a girl," frets Blondie.

Here's a tip: why not eliminate the girl who only booked two shows, can't walk in a straight line and has teeth like a picket fence that's been through a hurricane? Just sayin'.

And finally we wind up with the Diet Coke little black dress parade: Like a big, gorgeous, fired up lust-bomb, Tahnee almost explodes out of her black Alex Perry dress which is littler than most (or maybe it's just that her boobs are so big); Clare looks fab despite having a spear sticking out the back of her head for the whole show (perhaps Cassi put it there); Cassi earns a heap of compliments by managing to NOT walk awkwardly (she's had 10 weeks, you'd think that'd be a given by now).

Blondie, Pezza, Identity and Pease heap praise, Cassi has a cry about not being good enough and viewers around Australia simultaneously repress the urge to headbutt their televisions.

"I don't play those sorts of games," snips Pezza, which makes me wonder - what sort of games DOES Pezza play?



Definitely Twister with Dawson.

Everyone wanks on about how difficult it will be to eliminate someone this week. IT'S REALLY NOT THAT HARD, LOOK:
CLARE: Can walk in a straight line.

TAHNEE: Can walk in a straight line.

CASSI: Can't walk in a straight line. And complains and cries all the time.

Simple maths. If only Adele were still around.

The next day at the... well, not at the model mansion, which they've been seemingly turfed out of since returning from London (clearly Fox 8 spent all their rent money on shitty plastic Sarah Mail props). At wherever they are, Blondie turns up to announce the prize for the winner of the fashion week challenge - via television.

"Woah, it must be big if it's on television!" gasps Tahnee, who I'm guessing still wonders how TV stars manage to fit inside such a tiny box.

Unsurprisingly the winner is Clare, who wins a trip to Cable Beach. Unsurprisingly, Cassi has a cry about losing. Unsurprisingly, viewers everywhere start balling their hands into fists of rage and muttering "Shut up, just SHUT UP YOU COW."

Next thing you know there's a Sarah Mail delivery courtesy of Clare's mum (don't ask, the explanation is really not worth it) and all the girls are shuffled off to a beach with an improbable amount of friendly dolphins in it for their last photo shoot.

"We pulled up to Garie Beach, and when we saw that it was a beach we all thought 'Oh no'," says Clare. Would have thought the name was a bit of giveaway myself, but there you go.

"Duh, and when I saw Ayers Rock was a rock I thought 'Oh no'."

It's an extremely windy day down at the seaside - fortunately Cassi has rugged up in THE ONLY JUMPER SHE HAS WORN IN EVERY SINGLE EPISODE FOR THIS ENTIRE TRIP. She's also decided to do her best Elmer Fudd impression as an innovative way of keeping warm.

"I weally, weally want to win."

But it's not as hot as Pease Porridge's tribute to the late, great Michael Jackson - even if he has forgotten the sunglasses and bandaids.

Not such a smooth-shaving criminal.

"Today you're going to have to produce pure magic in front of the lens," says Pease.

Sadly for Tahnee, who stayed up all night learning card tricks, he's talking metaphorically, and all three modelettes are chucked into some flimsy bridal gowns and thrown into the surf for a group shot.

Bitching brides on the beach shoot in a nutshell:
  • Cassi displays a sad lack of understanding of how STIs are transmitted by exclaiming "Sure I'll put my arm around Clare - it's not like she has herpes or anything".

  • Just like in a 1980s beer commercial, a wave knocks Cassi's dress clean off. Somewhere, John Singleton is smiling.

  • Meanwhile, flimsy white dresses + crashing surf = exactly what you'd expect. Somewhere, a pervy old man is smiling. Probably in the dunes. With a long range camera.

  • The photographer describes Clare as "comfortable with moving", a skill which should come in handy if she ever wants to go from one place to another.

  • Cassi lies down in the surf, does a passable impression of a piece of driftwood wrapped in discarded toilet paper.

  • Tahnee, who in three years will clearly be the next Megan Gale, causes steam to rise from the waves, she's so hot. In other news: Tahnee is 17, and I feel a bit wrong.

And with that, it's off to the elimination warehouse where one model faces the prospect of being kicked off the show to be slaughtered, skinned and turned into a race day hat for Charlotte Dawson.

Each modelette is asked to say why they should win and what their weaknesses are.

Tahnee says "Er, um... oh.. I want to cry" and then lists her weakness as her body, which makes ME want to cry.

Cassi takes her Bogan hat off and puts her Big Fat Bitch Bogan hat on, claiming the other girls are just in it for the money and she's not, and she really needs a job because she doesn't live at home and her mum's overseas. Ever heard of Coles, Cassi? Maccers?

She then goes on to say how she no longer punches walls or people, at which Blondie exclaims "That's amazing!", as if learning NOT to punch people is a real achievement that should be rewarded. Never mind the thousands of formerly calm and passive viewers around the country who are being driven to violence by Cassi's weekly bitching and moaning.

Clare does an impression of a Year 10 debating team captain by "starting with a quote", which turns out to be something Blondie's agent made up and emailed in a statement to Foxtel magazine. It's a polished and impressive start, which she then ruins by crying about being called prissy all the time.

"I'm never going to apologise for having a good education and therefore being well spoken," she declares, a statement which has me all ready to wave my "CLARE FOR PM" flag even harder from the couch until she bursts into tears and ruins the whole performance.

But then the emotional guitar music starts which, as we all know, cues the start of a possible Oscar winning performance:

"My dad's a train driver and my mum was homeless at my age," she continues.

"They've had to drag themselves up from the gutter to get everything that me and my sister need, and that includes a good education, so if that makes me a prissy princess THEN I'LL WEAR THAT BADGE WITH HONOUR."


It's a truly inspiring speech and actually, I think good on her. There's nothing wrong with being quiet, well spoken and intelligent - apart from the drawback that you'll probably always get served last at the bar - and just because Aussies love to glorify braindead, beer-swilling, fag-puffing bogans doesn't mean you have to be one.

Gosh, I've come over all motherly... best get on with the picture bitch.
  • The group shot is completely and utterly gorgeous, which means there's nothing funny at all to say about it. Pity, that.

  • Identity Dawson, who has either just had a new bionic arm installed or is entering the Guiness Book of Records for "Most bangles worn on one arm", outs Tahnee as a Scientologist by claiming that another being is inhabiting her body.

    If only she didn't have to use her wrist she could have crammed another one on.

  • Cassi looks delicious, which is rather annoying as I was kind of hoping they'd get rid of her this episode. Sigh.

  • Blondie declares that after 10 weeks they've finally broken Clare, at which point Dawson exclaims "WE'VE BROKEN THAT BI... prom queen!". Niiiice cover up, Daws.

  • Blondie chooses Tahnee as her favourite, the guest judge from New York picks Cassi and Pezza chooses Clare, which means Dawson and the photographer have the deciding vote. Can we vote for Pease to leave the show instead?

As always, someone has to leave. But not Tahnee, who goes through as the first TOP TWO candidate.

"Good luck," says Cassi to Clare.

"Don't worry about it," replies Clare. Er...?

As it turns out, Cassi doesn't worry about it at all because it's Clare who's given the boot. Clare celebrates her loss by trying on Cassi's Big Fat Bogan Bitch hat before going home, telling Cassi she's got a bad attitude and doesn't deserve to win and imploring viewers not to vote for her. Then she throws her stuffed animal in the pool. Fair cop, I say.

And so it goes - Tahnee big boobs and Cassi small brain are our final two. What do you think? Was Clare robbed? Who will win? Will my boss give me the day off next week to attend the show? All these questions and more answered at next Tuesday's GRAND FINALE!


  1. CLARE WAS ROBBED BIG TIME! I'm gonna try and make myself not think this show is complete crap by saying that Clare was picked up by some other agent who bribed the show to kick her out so they could take her and make her into a top model. Who will be as popular or maybe even more so than Alice. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Cause I cannot believe Cassi got through. Man that's shit.

  2. You can stay at mine on Tuesday ONLY if you make fifteen more pictures of Shiny Alex Perry playing games. Golden.

  3. Love so many of the pics tonight, especially from Cassi in sunnies onwards, and the Obama campaign shot, laughed out loud. Totally agree with your go-Clare stuff; on other hand she'll have a great career in something less nutty and subjective and respectful than modelling. And Charlotte's bionic arm ... Love the way you find these little things that are so inconsequential yet make me laugh all by myself in my living room right now. Assume Tahnee would have to win now.

  4. Well it wouldnt be top model if my favourite didnt get booted out before the end! Did anyone see Cassi's disgusting armpit sweat in one scene? I cant stand her but must admit somehow in photos you would never guess what shes like!

  5. I think I need to remember not to eat dins while reading your recaps. Seriously, warnings before certain photos (eg. sexy + 80's) should be considered...

    Hope your boss gives you the day off, and thanks for the great recaps week after week. Hilarity at its finest. BRAVA

  6. Clare was definately robbed, how can someone be a model with teeth like Cassi's!! Great wrap-up yet again, love the Pezza pics and Dawson's bangle record! Hope u get to go next week...

  7. Clare was ROBBED

    And yep totally saw cassi's armpit sweat... REXONA

  8. Clare being robbed is the understatement of the century! I was 100% sure she'd be in the finale and let's face it, she's the only one who's "ready" as the judges themselves like to say. Cassi needs to learn how to walk and GET HER TEETH FIXED and Tahnee needs to tone up and get her teeth fixed as well (or keep her mouth shut). Only consolation is that Clare will be a great model even without the show's help. In this case I think we'll finally see one of the losers outshine the winner.

  9. Lets face it, Clare was always going to be a model. Her sister will use her contacts, Clare will get shows and life goes on.
    I really think that Cassi has improved and that she has a great international career ahead of her. I just hope she'll have braces or something at the finale.
    Tahnee is gorgeous and I know she'll go far, but perhaps not on the runway - at least not until designers start to make clothes for WOMEN not Coathangers.

  10. Sexy 80's? Love it!

    I cant wait for Tahnee to win. Even though she wont. For one, viewers around the country will finally be able to unclench their teeth and fists at no longer having to suffer Cassie. And second, there should be enough excitement for Tahnee at winning, combined with having had enough time elapse, that the botox may have worn off enough to let us see a smidgen of movement above her chin!

  11. I could not believe that Clare was eliminated. What were they thinking? Cassi sucks, for all the reasons Jo describes so hilariously above.

  12. Gawd, deepest apologies - of course I meant to say "for all the reasons Pet Starr describes...". Love your blog Pet Starr - I've read it regularly for seasons.

  13. Pet the pics are uberhilaire especially Alex playing the games, fookin gold! Sigh...can't believe its nearly over :-(

  14. Shocked but not surprised: when will we viewers learn that, despite all the competitions and so-called criteria, a girl can have:
    - the IQ of an amoeba
    - the personality of a sea sponge
    - the fashion sense of a Kings Cross hooker
    - the emotional maturity of a fruit fly
    - the poise of a toddler on skates

    and STILL win ANTM, as long as she takes great photos. That is the ONLY criterion. The judges could select the winner after the first photo shoot. But why miss out on all the fun, and Pet's hilarious recaps?

  15. Well, of course Clare got the boot! The judges are gearing up to hand the ANTM crown - or at least runner-up - to lazy, foul-mouthed, bogan Cassi, and there's Clare reminding them that, according to Sarah, it's supposed to be about professionalism and hard work.
    Off with her head, the prissy little know-all!

  16. furious

  17. OMFG. Those Alex Perry pics are PRICELESS.

    I can't comment on Clare going, I'm too mad.

    Just goes to show as much as the judges say they value integrity, professionalism & work ethic, that they're totally full of SHIT. Except for Alex Perry. I bet he books Clare for his next shows.


  19. love pezza playing games!

    how on earth was clare NOT in the top 2? kinda annoying coz its like why bother with a competition if they are going to ignore it and just choose their favourites. clare was clearly the best at majority of the tasks and challenges. oh well

    tahnee for the win! im in love with her body. (and im surprised noone ever said anything to cassi about looking underweight? because seriously those legs :S)

  20. I think Finetti described Tahnee as 'pert and crispy'. I'm 99% sure. I actually rewound it and watched it several times, sadly enough. I don't know if applying these adjectives to a young girl is more or less creepy than calling her 'perforated'.

  21. Pezza games pic - best!!

    SarahM tweets .It was the toughest elim yet.Had to ask so many industry professionals who has the biggest career out of 3.Clare at bottom.

    Clare 3rd last? She booked the most jobs, argh - I'll stick to reading only Petstarr's recaps than watch this!

  22. LOL, Sarah's twitter is hilarious. So she thinks she asked so many industry professionals their opinion... I guess she ignored the desert photographer who said Clare was in a league above everyone else, the target photographers who said they would book Clare immediately, the agencies in the UK who would sign her on, the designers who casted her for the most amount of shows in fashion week, etc...

    Man, I'm so bitter. I was looking forward to Sarah being a better host than Jodhi. Obviously she's not the trainwreck of a presenter that Jodhi was, but that shared penchant for favouritism, it burns. And then she tries to justify it with that deluded tweet. LOL!

  23. The most irritating thing for me was that they couldn't agree who to send home, so they let the bloody guest judges who had only met the girls once decide. Of course they don't realise what an asshat Cassi is - they've known her all of one day and models don't exactly talk a lot during photoshoots.
    Her bullshit snipe at the other models for being money grubbing should have been hint enough that she hasn't grown up one iota. Plus all the comments about her being so good at fashion week - I was half convinced they were watching some other model walking up and down who just looked a bit like Cassi. Because she still walks like a day old giraffe with a broken hip.

  24. Oh, PetStarr, this was fantastic. I echo all comments above about your Pezza Game photies. You f__king ROCK. PetStarr for PM.

    The Clare malarkey was devastating. It makes me so bitter. My fiance (almost) and I (definitely) choked up at her speech and were cheering her on by screaming at the telly "no you DON'T have to apologise". Sigh. I almost puked when Saint Sarah had the audacity to say to her that she'll succeed in everything she does. Ah, yes, Sarah. Everything EXCEPT your retarded freaking show. We all know she will do well. The girl is a star, in both modelling and schooling. Chin up Clare!

    PS: Yes, almost choked up too when Tahnee commented about her body. To quote Pezza, she IS a goddess. Just sent about fifty texts to vote for her, because I'll be damned if a bucked toothed bogan scrag with no decorum or class gets the chance to gloat over beauties like Clare and Tahnee.

  25. This is the first time I remember when PetStarr and Jo-Jo have so emphatically split on who should be on Santa's lists.

  26. Of course Clare wasn't going to make the top 2. I mean why would you pick the girls who consistently takes gorgeous photos, can walk amazingly and is highly professional? duh

  27. You rock and you know that.
    But AusNTM can suck Pezzas sweaty shiny balls and cock. This is just so stupid and messed up.Clare for PM and everything else. Sarah for queen of the dumpster.
    Fuck, I'm angry.

  28. When Cassi takes photos she looks like a supermodel. nuff said

  29. I don't so much have a problem with the fact that Cassi got through, obviosly there must be something there for both the London agencies and 'Doll' (what a name) to want her, but I have to agree with Joanna. They surely weren't watching Cassi. Her walk is terrible. Like shes trying to incorporate her break dance moves into it or something

  30. not to mention she threatened to pull out clare's hair on NATIONAL TV!

  31. Haha hilarious as always. After 3 seasons the humour is still fresh and has me in stitches. Also glad someone else thinks Rove has no talent for comedy. How has he stayed on television for so many years?!?! Petstarr you should be on television and show the country a thing or two about real comedy.

  32. Love it :)
    Just wanted to let you know that Nicola Finetti said Tahnee was "pert and crispy".