OMG IT'S LIKE, TOYTALLY THE PENULTIMATE EPISODE!!! We are like, SOY down to the final three scrags and by the end of the night we'll be like, SOY TOYTALLY down to the final two! OMG!!1!1!111
Have a random picture of Adele to celebrate.
Given the importance of this event, coupled with the fact that the only remaining episode in the series is next week's TOYTALLY LIVE FINALLY which I will be personally attending (if my boss gives me the day off... fingers crossed), I thought it was appropriate to have a quick look back at the loser modelettes who paved the way for our top three - Tahnee, Cassi and Adelaide's finest, Clare.
As yes, Laura T - most memorable for being the one that wasn't Laura M. Remember that time she... no wait, that was someone else. Er... moving on.
Leah - the girl I initially thought looked rather like Sam from season four but who actually ended up looking more like Paloma from season three. Or like a busted sandshoe, as she does here.
Laura M - the one Pezza thought was a dead ringer for Lucy Liu solely because she was Asian, was dismissed in episode 6 with Blondie's immortal words: "You have a career in front of you." Unfortunately she also had two massive knockers in front of her which precluded her from ever modelling Chanel.
(Was it mandatory for all contestants to have a name starting with L this year or what?)
Lola, aka "The Jaw", had a mandible the size of a Mini Minor and could accidentally swallow small children whole when sneezing. Sadly she never accidentally inhaled Cassi, so we've had to put up with her for the whole series.
Adele - possibly the spawn of Alamela the Ranga Modelbot and Alexandra the Goot-Loving Manchild from season 4, this rather stiff little number had about as much facial range as Harrison Ford on Botox. But WOW was she good at maths.
Mikarla - the season's undisputed bogan queen until Cassi stepped up, put down her Bacardi Breezer, puffed Winnie Blue smoke in her face and yanked her crown away, this Claudia Schiffer lookalike fell victim to the patented ANTM "after school special - teach them a moralistic lesson" campaign in episode 4 and was booted due to "bad attitude". Meanwhile, Cassi remains as yet undefeated... Go figure.
Er... um... Anyone? Anyone at all remember this chick?
From the first hair flick of the opening credits we knew we were going to get something special from Madison. Despite the fact that they've made her look about 45 years old in this sequence, Maddy turned into quite a looker. Apart from the frizzy hair. And the bad skin. And the... oh look, I'm sure she's a nice girl.
Franky wasn't the most reliable model on the block, which perhaps explains why they got Deni Hines drunk and used her in the opening titles instead.
She was from Adelaide and... stuff.
Ahem, right so with that trip down nostalgia lane over and done with let's get into it - this week's episode kicks off with a visit to Priscilla's modelling agency, where Blondie McPins has arrived to show off her new chest tattoo:
Blondie's bitchin' chest ink makes all the girls swoon.
Blondie and P-Money tell the girls they'll be doing totally-real-and-not-already-predetermined catwalk castings for "top designers" for Australian Fashion Week. Cassi has her fingers crossed for Supre.
And so off they go in their shiny blue advertisement to Ginger and Smart, where they... Sorry? Ginger and Smart. No, Ginger and SMART. They're designers. DESIGNERS, I said. GINGER AND SMA - look, it doesn't matter, they're at a casting, OK?
Either Ginger or Smart (I can't tell which, as neither of them is visibly either) tells Clare she needs to "embody" what the label is all about, which apparently is being "modern, polished and effortless".
Clare pulls off a perfect doorknob impression which scores her a place in their show, and she rushes out to tell the others who are crouched on the floor on the sparse G&S hallway. Soooo maybe don't expect a paycheck anytime soon, Clare - times are obviously tough round this company.
Meanwhile, next week's models will be asked to embody "wooden, four-legged and comfortable".
Next up is Tahnee, who fails to get a guernsey, followed by Cassi, who is sure to impress.
How could this girl NOT be a model?
In a big purple sack dress she limps through the office like Grimace on crack, almost tripping up on her own shoes, and finishes off with a big, gummy smile. It's obviously a shock when she doesn't get the gig.
So it's off to Wayne Cooper for the next casting. Monsieur Cooper describes Clare as "smouldering" and Tahnee as "all woman" which , apart from being completely creepy, given she is 17, I think means she has hips. Cassi once again does her Boris Karloff impression down the catwalk which is about as impressive as her Grimace impression, and somehow still lands the gig. Guess Cooper's not being too choosy these days, what with the GFC and all.
"Clare had booked two shows and Cassi had booked one and I'd booked none," explains Tahnee, who has clearly taken over from Adele as the resident maths brain of the group.
Off to Nicola Finetti, where Cassi decides to try out a new catwalk impression: that of a wonky supermarket trolley.
It was nothing like this - but don't you think this girl looks like a wonky supermarket trolley? Best clip ever.
Actually it's more like a WHINY supermarket trolley, as after she slips over in her high heels which AFTER 10 WEEKS SHE STILL HASN'T LEARNED HOW TO WALK IN she blames it on her "weak ankles". Weak excuse? Yes. Weak ankle? No.
Tahnee throws on a hideous dress made out of what Nicola found on the factory floors at Inghams and does her best to make it look good, but only elicits a murmur from the man himself that sounds a little like "She's very perforated I think". I have no idea what this means, but his assistant seems to think it's funny. Er, how about some subtitles? The man sounds like an extra in the Godfather for god's sake.
Cassi doesn't get the gig because her walk isn't "sexy and 80s" enough.
What about "sexy" and "in her 80s"?
Remembering he can claim all charitable donations back on tax, Nicola reluctantly gives the perforated Tahnee a go, and obviously Clare also gets in because she's an awesome, arse-kicking fairy princess who can do no wrong. CLARE FOR PM!
Then it's off to walk for a swimwear designer called Something and Something (aren't they all? Doesn't anyone work ALONE anymore?) which Clare fails because she doesn't have boobs, Tahnee fails because she does have boobs and Cassi wins, despite looking like a bogan chopstick wrapped in a couple of bandaids.
Finally they all troop off to a big advertisement for Diet Coke where they meet Pease (what the hell? Has he been absent for like, five episodes or what?) and do a catwalk audition for what feels like the 500th time this episode.
"You can't just be a skinny, hungry-looking bitch model, you've got to be bubbly," says Clare, who has clearly been studying her Diet Coke commercials in preparation for this very day.
Diet Coke. It's got bubbles.
In an event as unpredictable as the jokes in Rove's opening monologue, all three modelettes get the job. Yay. Are we finished with go-sees yet? THANK GOD.
It's time for the Ginger and Smart show - Clare stands backstage, wide-eyed and amazed at all the goings on of a real, live fashion show.
"There were models, and photographers and DRESSES," she gasps. Next episode: Clare goes to a library, and marvels at all the books.
She slinks down the catwalk in a naught but a test pattern and a tuxedo jacket, and somehow looks a million dollars. Not only does she look great but she manages to break several laws of physics by, as Blondie says, both fitting in AND standing out. IS THERE ANYTHING THIS GIRL CAN'T DO? (Apart from gain a natural tan?)
Then it's off to Wayne Cooper - or is it ALICE Cooper? Judging by the makeup, quite possibly:
She's in the department of youth.
"Not only did he have the judges in the audience, but he had MASSIVE VIPs in the audience too," says Cassi, a valiant attempt to suck up to Wayne Cooper that is rather undermined by the accompanying footage, which shows Kerri-Anne Kennerley and two miscellaneous 20-somethings I've never seen before in my life.
Sadly, other massive VIPs couldn't make it.
Meanwhile, Cassi prepares by going through her mental checklist of things not to do on the catwalk: stack it, swear or look like a retarded eight year old from the 70s.
Two out of three ain't bad.
But as usual Cassi's biggest challenge is walking in a straight line, which she fails by making a beeline for the front row halfway down the catwalk. I blame the sunglasses.
"I have no idea what to expect," monotones Tahnee as she gets haired and madeup for the Nicola Finetti show. Here's a hint, Tahnee - lots of people sitting around a catwalk that you walk up and down. Think you can handle that?
Tahnee takes to the runway and... woah... I mean... JEEZ. GOOD LORD - do they have no bras backstage for the girl to wear? It's like the opening sequence of Baywatch, for christ's sake. Who knew Tahnee's knockers were that big?
Tahnee turns at the end of the runway and one side of the audience quickly ducks to avoid being knocked out by her nipples.
"There's something about Tahnee," says Blondie. Two things I think, actually.
The next day, lovely models Tahnee and Clare decide to do their bit for charity by bringing a young homeless boy along with them to Fashion Week and... oh, hang on.
Nice to see she dressed up for the occasion.
And it's off to the Anna and Boy show, which is being held in a corridor somewhere in the outer suburbs of Sydney. Cassi stomps up and down in bathers, white socks and brogues (well what do YOU wear to the beach?) and everyone calls her Christmas, despite her looking like a car accident victim who's only just learned how to walk again.
"This is the tightest top three ever, I don't know how to eliminate a girl," frets Blondie.
Here's a tip: why not eliminate the girl who only booked two shows, can't walk in a straight line and has teeth like a picket fence that's been through a hurricane? Just sayin'.
And finally we wind up with the Diet Coke little black dress parade: Like a big, gorgeous, fired up lust-bomb, Tahnee almost explodes out of her black Alex Perry dress which is littler than most (or maybe it's just that her boobs are so big); Clare looks fab despite having a spear sticking out the back of her head for the whole show (perhaps Cassi put it there); Cassi earns a heap of compliments by managing to NOT walk awkwardly (she's had 10 weeks, you'd think that'd be a given by now).
Blondie, Pezza, Identity and Pease heap praise, Cassi has a cry about not being good enough and viewers around Australia simultaneously repress the urge to headbutt their televisions.
"I don't play those sorts of games," snips Pezza, which makes me wonder - what sort of games DOES Pezza play?
Definitely Twister with Dawson.
Everyone wanks on about how difficult it will be to eliminate someone this week. IT'S REALLY NOT THAT HARD, LOOK:
CLARE: Can walk in a straight line.
TAHNEE: Can walk in a straight line.
CASSI: Can't walk in a straight line. And complains and cries all the time.
Simple maths. If only Adele were still around.
The next day at the... well, not at the model mansion, which they've been seemingly turfed out of since returning from London (clearly Fox 8 spent all their rent money on shitty plastic Sarah Mail props). At wherever they are, Blondie turns up to announce the prize for the winner of the fashion week challenge - via television.
"Woah, it must be big if it's on television!" gasps Tahnee, who I'm guessing still wonders how TV stars manage to fit inside such a tiny box.
Unsurprisingly the winner is Clare, who wins a trip to Cable Beach. Unsurprisingly, Cassi has a cry about losing. Unsurprisingly, viewers everywhere start balling their hands into fists of rage and muttering "Shut up, just SHUT UP YOU COW."
Next thing you know there's a Sarah Mail delivery courtesy of Clare's mum (don't ask, the explanation is really not worth it) and all the girls are shuffled off to a beach with an improbable amount of friendly dolphins in it for their last photo shoot.
"We pulled up to Garie Beach, and when we saw that it was a beach we all thought 'Oh no'," says Clare. Would have thought the name was a bit of giveaway myself, but there you go.
"Duh, and when I saw Ayers Rock was a rock I thought 'Oh no'."
It's an extremely windy day down at the seaside - fortunately Cassi has rugged up in THE ONLY JUMPER SHE HAS WORN IN EVERY SINGLE EPISODE FOR THIS ENTIRE TRIP. She's also decided to do her best Elmer Fudd impression as an innovative way of keeping warm.
"I weally, weally want to win."
But it's not as hot as Pease Porridge's tribute to the late, great Michael Jackson - even if he has forgotten the sunglasses and bandaids.
Not such a smooth-shaving criminal.
"Today you're going to have to produce pure magic in front of the lens," says Pease.
Sadly for Tahnee, who stayed up all night learning card tricks, he's talking metaphorically, and all three modelettes are chucked into some flimsy bridal gowns and thrown into the surf for a group shot.
Bitching brides on the beach shoot in a nutshell:
- Cassi displays a sad lack of understanding of how STIs are transmitted by exclaiming "Sure I'll put my arm around Clare - it's not like she has herpes or anything".
- Just like in a 1980s beer commercial, a wave knocks Cassi's dress clean off. Somewhere, John Singleton is smiling.
- Meanwhile, flimsy white dresses + crashing surf = exactly what you'd expect. Somewhere, a pervy old man is smiling. Probably in the dunes. With a long range camera.
- The photographer describes Clare as "comfortable with moving", a skill which should come in handy if she ever wants to go from one place to another.
- Cassi lies down in the surf, does a passable impression of a piece of driftwood wrapped in discarded toilet paper.
- Tahnee, who in three years will clearly be the next Megan Gale, causes steam to rise from the waves, she's so hot. In other news: Tahnee is 17, and I feel a bit wrong.
And with that, it's off to the elimination warehouse where one model faces the prospect of being kicked off the show to be slaughtered, skinned and turned into a race day hat for Charlotte Dawson.
Each modelette is asked to say why they should win and what their weaknesses are.
Tahnee says "Er, um... oh.. I want to cry" and then lists her weakness as her body, which makes ME want to cry.
Cassi takes her Bogan hat off and puts her Big Fat Bitch Bogan hat on, claiming the other girls are just in it for the money and she's not, and she really needs a job because she doesn't live at home and her mum's overseas. Ever heard of Coles, Cassi? Maccers?
She then goes on to say how she no longer punches walls or people, at which Blondie exclaims "That's amazing!", as if learning NOT to punch people is a real achievement that should be rewarded. Never mind the thousands of formerly calm and passive viewers around the country who are being driven to violence by Cassi's weekly bitching and moaning.
Clare does an impression of a Year 10 debating team captain by "starting with a quote", which turns out to be something Blondie's agent made up and emailed in a statement to Foxtel magazine. It's a polished and impressive start, which she then ruins by crying about being called prissy all the time.
"I'm never going to apologise for having a good education and therefore being well spoken," she declares, a statement which has me all ready to wave my "CLARE FOR PM" flag even harder from the couch until she bursts into tears and ruins the whole performance.
But then the emotional guitar music starts which, as we all know, cues the start of a possible Oscar winning performance:
"My dad's a train driver and my mum was homeless at my age," she continues.
"They've had to drag themselves up from the gutter to get everything that me and my sister need, and that includes a good education, so if that makes me a prissy princess THEN I'LL WEAR THAT BADGE WITH HONOUR."
YES YOU CAN, CLARE!
It's a truly inspiring speech and actually, I think good on her. There's nothing wrong with being quiet, well spoken and intelligent - apart from the drawback that you'll probably always get served last at the bar - and just because Aussies love to glorify braindead, beer-swilling, fag-puffing bogans doesn't mean you have to be one.
Gosh, I've come over all motherly... best get on with the picture bitch.
- The group shot is completely and utterly gorgeous, which means there's nothing funny at all to say about it. Pity, that.
- Identity Dawson, who has either just had a new bionic arm installed or is entering the Guiness Book of Records for "Most bangles worn on one arm", outs Tahnee as a Scientologist by claiming that another being is inhabiting her body.
If only she didn't have to use her wrist she could have crammed another one on.
- Cassi looks delicious, which is rather annoying as I was kind of hoping they'd get rid of her this episode. Sigh.
- Blondie declares that after 10 weeks they've finally broken Clare, at which point Dawson exclaims "WE'VE BROKEN THAT BI... prom queen!". Niiiice cover up, Daws.
- Blondie chooses Tahnee as her favourite, the guest judge from New York picks Cassi and Pezza chooses Clare, which means Dawson and the photographer have the deciding vote. Can we vote for Pease to leave the show instead?
As always, someone has to leave. But not Tahnee, who goes through as the first TOP TWO candidate.
"Good luck," says Cassi to Clare.
"Don't worry about it," replies Clare. Er...?
As it turns out, Cassi doesn't worry about it at all because it's Clare who's given the boot. Clare celebrates her loss by trying on Cassi's Big Fat Bogan Bitch hat before going home, telling Cassi she's got a bad attitude and doesn't deserve to win and imploring viewers not to vote for her. Then she throws her stuffed animal in the pool. Fair cop, I say.
And so it goes - Tahnee big boobs and Cassi small brain are our final two. What do you think? Was Clare robbed? Who will win? Will my boss give me the day off next week to attend the show? All these questions and more answered at next Tuesday's GRAND FINALE!