Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Australian Idol 09 Wrap Up: Semi Final 3

We kick off tonight's show with the stunning revelation that Andrew G's real name is Andrew Ginsberg. I did not know this. I wonder if this means future episodes will feature him mooching around in the background while the Idols sing and display cue cards in front.*

*If you get this reference, you are automatically my best friend.

Moving on to less intellectual pursuits, we learn the second two finalists to go through to the top 12 are (as predicted by ME last night) Ashleigh Eyebrows and Nerdy Nathan. Cheers and high fives all round! Except for the four losers now standing forlorn on the stage as they realise all their dreams have been crushed.

"How heartbreaking for you guys! You've come all this way only to be told 'no'," enthuses Ken Doll helpfully.

On to the judges, who have again gone with a fancy dress theme for the evening - Marcia has come as the iceberg from Titanic, while Dicko has come as Bangers from 1980s children's cartoon Bangers and Mash.

If I had a picture of Dicko I'd show you and prove it, but you'll just have to take my word that it's rather like this.

Meanwhile, Jay Dee has shown some of that creativity and imagination he's so far become known for by coming as a record executive from Sony.

So, on to the first performance of the evening which is from DANIEL RASO, otherwise known as Epstein from Welcome back Kotter.

Ooh, ooh, Mr Kott-errrr!

Just for something different, he's wearing tight black jeans and a vest. Have there been massive wardrobe budget cuts at Ten? Is everyone sharing the same vest around or what?

And as if the 1970s fro and I've-just-come-from-rehearsals-for-Hair look wasn't full on enough, Daniel has decided to sing You to Me Are Everything by The Real Thing. Who? Exactly.

"Oh god, this is SO bad," grumbles Raoul, who is shuffling in with his dinner to sit next to me for an hour and pretend he doesn't like the show.

"They can pick any song they want, right? And he picks THIS?"

I have to agree. I loved Daniel during auditions - not anymore. This bad. And those jeans give him womanly thighs. Suddenly his hairdo is looking less like a funky fro and more like a perm set.

Dicko says he's shiny, hapy and smiley, and says he'd be a good warm up act for the Wiggles. Iceberg advises him to pop one out. Good idea, maybe that'd sound better. Jay Dee says he hopes there's not "tears from a clown" tomorrow night. Everyone pretends to know what he's talking about and we move on to ALIQUA MAYO, the 16 year old brace face diva.

"Fuck, listen to that girl - she's got a 40 year old woman inside her," shrieks Raoul as they replay footage of Aliqua's audition of Superstition. Maybe it's Marijana?

Yep. Fo' real.

As if Aliqua didn't have enough metal in her face already, she's covered herself in holographic silver sequins to sing I will Always Love You.

Oh, shit.

I applaud the pint sized popette's use of sparkles but that dress is so unflattering it makes her look like an ACTUAL pint glass. And the shoes are BAD. Stripper bad. But damn, girl can sing.

Marcia says she will always love Aliqua or something equally as nauseating and Jay Dee reminds everyone that he's a record executive again, in case anyone's forgotten. Dicko says she looks like she's in her mum's frock playing with her parents' record collection. Ouch.

"I agree, maybe I do look like I'm wearing my mum's clothes," Aliqua says bashfully, making me want to smash through the television and give her a hug (as opposed to Daniel's performance, which just made me want to smash the television). Meanwhile, Raoul launches into a rendition of I will always love you to our dog Charlie.

Charlie isn't interested.

Moving right along to NICOLE BANKS, otherwise known as this year's "theatrical type", aka the girl with a habit of taking pop songs like Womanizer and Poker Face and turning them into ballads.

REMEMBER BRIANNA? The horror... the horror.

Tonight she's turned her attention to Coldplay's Viva La Vida, and it's... wow. Just... wow. And not in a good way. She might as well just leave stage now, go back to her hotel, pack her bags and pay her minibar bill because she is never getting through with this one.

Jay Dee says she stamped her own style on it. If that style is "dull, boring and out of fashion" then I agree. Dicko says it was dusty and dead. Oh sorry, "dead interesting". I think the first assessment is better. Marcia says she's like timber. Oh sorry, she has an interesting "timbre" to her voice. I think the first assessment is better.

Next up is JASON BARTLETT, otherwise known as indigenous Kyle.

They could be brothers. But not BROTHERS.

"Tonight, Jason will be singing an Eric Clapton classic - Tears in Heaven," says Ginsberg.

"Ohhhh noooooooooo," Raoul and I simultaneously cry.

"Tears in heaven? More like spew on the couch," he cries, covering his ears with two cushions. Even the dog has left the room.

"Would you know my name, cos I saw you in heaven," Jason sings. Hmm. Not QUITE sure that's right...

A "larger" gent, Jason has to try a bit harder than the other Idols to impress with his "look". Fortunately he's decided to dress in a tartan shirt, jeans and sneakers tonight which - as you can imagine - is blowing everyone away. Add a bit of Clapton and the whole thing is one shaker of Midori Illusions away from being karaoke night at your local.

Dicko says it's great to see Jason singing on stage. Which begs the question - what the fuck else was Dicko expecting him to do out there? Marcia says once he got over his nerves it was sweet.

"Sweets? Where?" gasps Jason and bolts off stage.

Jay Dee says he loves his heart and he did a great job.

"What the fucking fuck did they just watch?" screams Raoul. I don't know Raoul, I just don't know anymore.

Let's roll straight on to SCOTT NEWNHAM, this year's "Idol with a back story that is so interesting and ironic it doesn't matter if he doesn't actually have any talent". Scott's 20, personality free and has so little movement in his face he could very well be a Botox addict, but because he is a brickie's labourer who has never sung in public before and can still sing vaguely in tune, he has automatically become the judges' darling.

Scott decides to wow everyone by choosing a song by violent woman abuser Chris Brown. Luckily, everyone's forgotten about that story already so he's fine. His status as the judges' favourite becomes clearer when we realise he was the only Idol from tonight's lineup to get an invite to the judging panel fancy dress party - he's come as 1994.

So anyway, he wears a stupid cap and a stupid basketball shirt and diamond earrings and he yells a few lines over the top of 50 backing vocalists and some synth, and his face doesn't move the whole time and yeah, he'll probably get in with this shit. Jay Dee is squirming in his chair, just BURSTING to shriek the immortal line: "I CAN TOTALLY SEE THE TYPE OF ARTIST YOU WANT TO BE!" Well duh, it couldn't be any more obvious if he rubbed shoe polish on his face and came out singing "I wanna be Chris Brown".

"That was shit, but it was the best performance of the night - if that's saying anything," says Raoul to the dog.

He's right, sadly. Even Charlie the puppy agrees. Sing anything that's been on the charts in the last five years and you're sorted. Charlie gets on and suggests Daniel should have sung something by The Potbelleez. I'm not sure I agree, but I admire his Googling skills.

Mad internet skillz. My dog haz them.

Marcia says this is stupid. For once, I agree. Dicko makes some comment about tradies being popular with women (duh, hello, they can FIX THINGS, we like that shit).

"Now they can say something like 'from bricklayer to chick layer'," says Raoul in between cups of tea.

"Or from brick layer to di..." he continues before Charlie bites his finger to stop the onslaught of innuendo. Thanks, Charlie.

Jay Dee says the band was outstanding. Er - there was a band? Jay Dee continues the round of surprises by saying when he gets excited he just can't keep it in.

This guy knows a bit about that, too.

Moving along to our final performer for the evening, 24 year old SABRINA BATSHON otherwise known as Sabrina "Batshit crazy", aka mini Tina Arena.

I'm in chaaaaaaains....

Seeing that clip of Sabrina in that god awful black rubber mini skirt for the 503rd time almost puts me off typing altogether - fortunately I pull myself back from the brink in time to hear her launch into the Pussycat Dolls' Hush Hush.

Hmm. It's... not bad. Not bad at all. Despite the fact that Sabrina is intensely irritating for no reason that I can pin point (is it the stuck-in-the-90s styling? The shorts with cuffs? The big hair? The sudden style backflip from rubber mini skirt and give-away T shirt ensemble to Table 8 stretch lycra cocktail dress? The fact that she's a little too similar to Julia Roberts' character in Pretty Woman?) I have to admit the girl has talent. She can sing, she's got stage presence, she's entertaining. I JUST DON'T LIKE HER.

"You know, she's smashing it lyrically," muses Raoul in between mouthfuls of toast, sounding worryingly like Jay Dee.

Yes, Sabrina annoys the shit out of me, but I admit it - she's the "full package".

Jay Dee suffers a sudden lapse of sanity and pretends he's on American Idol, saying she "knocked it out of the park". WE PLAY CRICKET HERE, SPRINGBOK. IT'S AN OVAL. Dicko continues his run of gay jokes by suggesting Sabrina could be a new gay icon. Dozens of drag queens around Sydney take a drag on their durries and slag "Not in THOSE shoes, dahhhhling!". Marcia says something boring as usual and there we are, we're at the end of the show! That wasn't too painful, was it?

Who'll get to kiss the pope's ring tomorrow night? I'm guessing Aliqua and Scott. Sabrina's clearly got the most talent out of ths bunch, but I'm predicting that (like me) people will hate her guts for no good reason. Hopefully she'll get to coast in on a judges' wildcard.

See ya tomorrow, Idolites!


  1. It's GUNSBERG, not Ginsberg, PetStarr. Sorry if that wrecks your joke. Excellent recap as always. - purist from TWoP

  2. Was reading this blog out to room mate and the whole section on Scott was just me laughing non-stop and no out loud reading happening at all! Reached a peak at the appropriately included picture of Axle Whitehead.
    Ah, have missed this blog!
    Regards, Tess (Used to read this blog religiously like two or three seasons ago)

  3. Mm.
    I liked Scott.

  4. I got the reference! Woo hoo! I finally have a best friend!!!

    I'm a bit sad that you didn't comment on the Dickie-Knee and Ken Doll attempts at humour re: the Johnsons. It _was_ supposed to be humour right?

  5. I thought the production of Scott's performance was OTT. It was as if Sony decided to market him already, hence the shakey camera and over dubbing.

  6. Andrew actually introduced himself as Gunsberg on Tuesday night also ...

  7. since when is Andrew G Andrew Gunsberg?