Thursday, August 27, 2009

Australian Idol 09 Wrap Up: Semi Final 4

Gosh, it seems like only 24 hours ago that we were here watching teenagers standing on stage and shrieking, and... pardon? It WAS only 24 hours ago? Right, well that makes sense then. Thought I might have gone Idol-mad.

Like this one.

To last night's voting results - first through is Sabrina Batshit Crazy, otherwise known as SabrinArena or Mini Tina. Or tonight, "Sabrina of the Jungle", as she's come dressed in an ultra ultra ultra mini leopard skin dress. It is not flattering.

"Thank you to all the fans, you have no idea the magic you're creating - thank you," she beams, as though she's been performing for 25 years and has millions of fans around the world who have bought all of her 15 albums and greatest hits collections.

Second through the gate is surprise EFFING surprise Scott the brickie's labourer. In other amazing news, the sun came up this morning. Scott looks stunned, as well he should because he is AVERAGE.

"Oh my god," he says in that incredibly articulate way he's become renowned for.

TWELVE MORE WEEKS. Keep that in mind, Scott fans.

Cut to Ricki Lee, who tonight is dressed as a slightly overweight Olympic gymnast with prosthetic legs. I'm not sure what she said, I was distracted by the amount of buckles on her calipers.

Let's move on to the performances, shall we? First up tonight is 21 year old KIM COOPER, otherwise known as the chick who plays Madonna on the Idol ad. She's very smiley and blonde and cute and has a penchant for wearing the entire contents of her accessories drawer at the one time. Unfortunately tonight she's forgotten to wear pants, strolling on in a singlet and ripped stockings. Ah well, at least her bangles look good.

She's singing Katy Perry's Waking up in Vegas - rather aptly, given she's strolling about on stage with no pants on looking a bit confused.

Dicko auditions for the Obvious Olympics by saying she's a super hot girl singing pop.

"She looks like the crazy frog - ding ning ning ning ning," shouts Raoul, completely refuting what Dicko has just said.

"Woah, what's Marcia wearing? She looks like Chewbacca - raaoowwwooorrrrrrr," he continues, ensuring I hear nothing of what Marcia has to say. Jay Dee tells Kim not to worry about marketing people, which perhaps means we can ignore him for the rest of the series.

Next up is ED ZAIDEN, otherwise known as the lead singer of The Darkness.

I believe in a thing called Idol.

He's singing Eskimo Joe's new single, whatever that's called. The power pop tune is a good choice for Ed, who up to this point has been nodding off half way through valium charged performances of Hallelujah.

And it was Ed.

He attacks it with enthusiasm, squealing falsetto half way through (which doesn't help dispel any of those Darkness comparisons), but in the end his monobrow is too distracting. The whole thing is like a pissed Aggro doing karaoke.

Marcia says something inconsequential. Jay Dee says Ed needs more consistency.

"Jay Dee looks like a banana Paddle Pop," squeals Raoul. Mmm, creamy consistency.

Dicko says he connects better with Ed when he's a bit trippier. Then he says there's something dead in him and he needs to find it, which sort of suggests things are perhaps trippy enough behind the desk.

Next up is LUCIE JOHNSON. There's a name you can see in lights. She's doing Beyonce's Sweet Dreams, and it's really quite goo... WHO CONVINCED HER TO WEAR THOSE BLACK PVC LEGGINGS? Honestly, she looks like something you can buy at Bunnings. But actually, Lucie is awesome. REALLY AWESOME. OMG - NEW FAVOURITE! I'm loving it - and clearly so is Jay Dee, who is leaning back in his chair with his eyes closed and an intense look on his face. Maybe he's just popped some of whatever Dicko had during Ed's set. Either that, or one of the unlucky finalists from last night has crept under the desk in a final bid to secure a place on the show.

"She smashed it lyrically. She blew it out of the park," garbles Raoul.

Jay Dee says it takes more than a good voice to succeed in the industry. IT ALSO TAKES BLACK PVC LEGGINGS. Still coming down from his trippy Ed drugs, Dicko confuses himself for Jeremy Clarkson and says Lucie has a Ferrari but needs a destination. Then he asks the Stig what he thinks. Sensibly ignoring him, Marcia decides to give Lucie a mid-show exam, saying "Do you know what they just said? Tell me."

"I have to give you props," she continues, before handing Lucie a hatstand and a feather boa and getting her to improvise a scene. Good to see Dicko's sharing those drugs around.

Moving along to TIM JOHNSTON a 28-year-old barista who likes to pretend he's Stevie Wonder. And in fact, that's exactly what he's doing tonight - Signed Sealed Delivered.

When will they learn?

To be honest, I miss most of his performance due to a continued debate with Raoul about whether or not Tim is good looking.

"He's not smashing it," says Raoul suddenly in that disturbing new jargon he's picked up from Jay Dee.


"At all."

He's right - Tim looks pained, sings off key for a bit and then resorts to the old "come on!" to get the audience to clap along. Even the people holding up Tim signs are disappointed.

Dicko says he's soulless and says he's singing the wrong music. Predictably enough Marcia jumps in and tells Tim to sing what he likes singing, which is all very nice but won't win you a recording contract.

It didn't work for him either.

Jay Dee tries for a silver medal in the Obvious Olympics by saying it wasn't as good as The Temptations, upon which Marcia goes into hysterics over the fact that the Temptations were black.

"They were black, they were black, mm-hmm, know what I'm sayin'?" she shrieks, as everyone looks on slightly horrified.

The Temptations. They were black.

After a good 45 seconds of awkward flailing about it transpires that Marcia thinks only black people can sing soul music properly, which would seem to refute the 50,000 times she's said "I just love blue eyed soul" already this series.

"Would you like to pay for the commercial break we're missing," spits Ken Doll as Marcia desperately tries to dig herself out of the big, deep racial hole that Daily Telegraph gossip columnists are currently salivating over.

The ghost of Kyle finally wakes up from his cowboy induced slumber at the rafers bar and slags "SUCKED IN MARCIA, NOW WHO'S OFFENSIVE?"

Moving along to TENIELLE MUSLIN, otherwise known as that cute blonde train driver who's got a much better back story and much more talent than that bricklayer. Also otherwise known as the girl Delta Goodrem felt threatened by during the auditions. Was that awkward or WHAT?

Anyway, she's slung on her best polyester nightdress to sing Taylor Swift's Love Story. If I liked Taylor Swift I'm sure I'd like this. But I don't, so I don't care.

Marcia says it suits her. Not sure if she's talking about the song or the nightdress - which doesn't suit her at all, but as the comment is coming from someone currently dressed as Chewbacca in gym gear I'm not sure it really matters. Jay Dee says if Tenielles' voice matches her look she'll have a career, which kind of suggests it doesn't at the moment. Bummer. Dicko says he's going to start catching trains and she needs to bring on the hurricane. I say she needs to find a friend called Captain and go on a tour of country RSLs, she'll do fine. She can even provide the transport - all aboard!

And finally we wrap up with 18 year old country boy JAMES JOHNSTON, who has misguidedly chosen to do Gnarls Barkley's Crazy, a song that was really amazing about three years ago and is now inexplicably shit.

"I remember, I remember when I lost my mind," sings James.

Yep, I reckon it was just before you chose that jacket, mate. In a tight black jacket covered in zips, black pants, white shirt and black tie, he looks like a mormon doorknocker on disco night. And actually sounds rather like that too.

"OH MY GOD," shrieks Raoul with the enthusiasm of someone who has just realised something of great significance.

"He looks like if you put Ben Stiller in the washing machine and he shrank!"

I concur. James is Mini Zoolander.

So hot right now.

Jay Dee says he's trying to find out where he sits. I think you'll find it's RIGHT AT THE END OF THE PANEL, MATE. Jeez, he's been on for four nights already and he still can't work it out... Marcia tells James to "put the show in the biz". And then take it out. And then put it back in, do the hokey pokey and turn around. And then says actually he can't, because he's not black. Dicko says there's an innocence about James, and a hunger and...

"I FUCKING HATE THIS SHOW. This guy is the worst I've ever seen," shouts Raoul.

I'm so busy staring at him in a shocked fashion I miss the whole rest of the show, but I think we can safely say that Ken Doll made a closing statement, Ricki Lee said something superfluous, Marcia, Dicko and Jay Dee all slid under the desk to do some more hallucinogens and the ghost of Kyle started throwing empty shot glasses at the audience.

As the immortal Heidi Klum once said - who will be in, and who will be out? I'm going for Kim and Lucie.


  1. I was absolutely sure Lucie only having ONE DIMPLE would bug the shit out of you, Pet.

  2. how AWKWARD was the whole andrew g marcia fight. UGH! it was so hard to watch!!!

    loving your wrap ups petstarr

  3. brilliant, clearly...

    after all that SOUL awkwardness between G and Marcia I was fully expecting him to call her a big fat RRRR-soul... anyways...

    my favourite part was the Ralph Wiggum inspired sign for train lady... I Choo Choo Choose Tenielle... then again your Captain/RSL tour call eclipsed that!

    bring on another stellar effort tonight - and by the wannabe Idols...

  4. Strike a light! How many Johns(t)ons are in this show? Not including you Andrew G, you mop-topped ballsack.

    Tenielle is ridiculously cute and impressively blows my railway workers stereotype. Hopefully she can keep blowing me... away with her Taylor Swift impersonations. I love Swifty.