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Monday, September 28, 2009

Australian Idol 09 Wrap Up: The Final 9 - 80s Night

So far this Idol season there's been Rock Night and Top 10 Night -, so what theme will tonight's Idol celebration take on? Let's play the Bland Canyon special super happy mystery guessing game, and see if you can work it out:

I disappeared last week (thanks to a hefty dosage of frozen margarita) but now:


I'm ba-aaack!


The judges love Scott Newnham but one day they'll realise he's actually really


You know it.


Take or leave him but honey please believe that Jay Dee ain't ever going to be


Tay tay tay tay.


And remember: nobody puts Toby in a corner.


Especially not this guy.


If you haven't worked it out yet YOU ARE TOO YOUNG TO BE READING THIS BLOG, GO AWAY, WE TALK ABOUT ADULT THINGS HERE.

For the rest of you - of course it's 80s NIGHT, an evening typically filled with skinny ties, tight pants and tragic teenage reinterpretations of songs old enough to be their parents.


If songs could be parents, this would be Sabrina's mum.


Really, is anyone else COMPLETELY DISTURBED by the fact that half the Idols were born in the 90s, making the 80s well and truly retro? Or is that just me? Oh shit, I'm having an acid flashback to 1993 when I thought the 70s were THE OLDEST THING EVER AND WEARING LOVE BEADS AND CORK WEDGES WAS TOTALLY SUBVERSIVE, OMG.

Fortunately the Final Nine...


Not to be confused with the Bali Nine.


...are on hand to ruin my self-indulgent flashbackery with a godawful performance of Duran Duran's Girls on Film, in which Scott does a grand impression of David Brent from The Office, courtesy of his totally demented dancing.


Go Scott, Go!



Spot the difference.


Sadly Hayley isn't given a chance to recite the "lipstick cherry all over the lens" line, despite her obvious suitability for it after practising "lipstick cherry all over the microphone... and top lip" last week



Sabrina seems to be taking the theme a bit too literally in red leopard print tights and a high pony tail. Even Kate has updated her look to include a jacket with zippers. Eight-ees! The crowd goes wild, even though 3/4 of them have never heard that song before.

"Welcome to 80s night, we're rolling up the sleeves on our pastel jackets and dusting off the fluoro headbands," says Ken Doll wistfully, as if 'the kids' haven't been wearing those things for over a year already.

Time for this week's elimination, which comes down to SABRINA ARENA, LITTLE KIMMY COOPER and GAY-THAN, who are sent to centre stage to shiver in the cold wind of Australia's indifference. Sabrina I can understand, given she spent most of last Sunday wiggling, grabbing her hair, jumping up and down and shrieking "WHEN LOVE TAKES OVAHHHHHH-EHHHHHH-YEEEEEAHHH!!!". As a refresher:


You'll want to skip through to about 4.22. Or actually, you might just want to skip straight to the end and avoid the pain altogether.


Nathan and Kim I can barely remember at all - I think my memories have been blocked out by Hayley's red lip disaster.

In a surprise akin to drinking a bottle of Tabasco and finding it quite spicy, viewers decide to favour the cute blonde girl and the nice polite boy over the demented, loud, possibly dangerous Tina Arena knock off and Sabrina is kicked off the show. I guess Australia just couldn't get hip to her screeching, screaming, wailing vibe. I'm about to get up and make a cup of tea to avoid having to hear her sing When Love Takes Over again (if you time the boiling of the kettle at just the right point you can block out the sounds of the TV) but it quickly becomes apparent the producers have struck this performance from the program. Yes, it was THAT bad.

It's a pity Sabrina's gone, because apart from her being the only halfway interesting contestant this year (ie: the only crazy one) I was really looking forward to seeing her sing something like this tonight:


Never mind Sabrina, when an entire country doesn't like you just remember - there's always France.

Moving on, and our special guest fourth judge for the night is 70s/80s Aussie music superstar Ross Wilson, otherwise known as Spicks and Specks host Adam Hills.


OK so this was a while ago, but still...


And how are our fifth and sixth judges doing, up there in the rafters?


Holden: HE'S not a real 80s star - I'M a real 80s star. I wore red braces that one time, remember?
Kyle: Shaddup, I'm trying to fill out this Centrelink form!


And without further ado, let's lambada over to NATHAN "Gaythan" Brake for tonight's first solid gold, totally musclebound and completely not gay performance of Bon Jovi's Livin' on a Prayer.


Oh yeah, that'll work.


"Dicko keeps saying I should be more feminine and camp, and I've just picked the most heterosexual song EVER," laments Gaythan in what could double as an audition monologue for the character of "Young Mr G" on Summer Heights High II: The Early Years.

"Listen Dicko - I've had a girlfriend for three years and it's never going to happen between us," he continues in what he obviously thinks is a hands down winner in the "I'm not gay" argument but which, through chronically poor phrasing, has actually made him look gayer than we ever thought possible.


That's right - three whole years and counting.


He's doing his best to act more heterosexual which, when it comes to planning his performance costume, seemingly amounts to "wearing a cap". Well have YOU ever seen a gay man in a cap? Hmm?

"This is going to be a boring performance, I fear," says Raoul.

He's right. It's solid but boring, and sexless. Rather like Rosie O'Donnell.


He also finished his performance with a big hammy point to the audience, so this picture is pretty much perfect in every way.


Dicko says he should have done Rio or Hungry Like the Wolf - as if we're all not still trying to get over the Girls on Film debacle from 10 minutes ago. Has Dicko got a stake in a new Duran Duran greatest hits album or something?

"What's the difference between Duran Duran and Bon Jovi?" says Raoul quizzically, at which point I launch into a karaoke version of Hungry Like the Wolf versus Livin' on a Prayer complete with air guitar to show him the subtleties. Hint: Bon Jovi is slightly less gay.

Marcia says Livin' on a Prayer is one of her favourite songs of all time, which brings the "Marcia's Favouite Songs of All Time as Mentioned on Australian Idol 2009" iPod playlist to approximately 15 million. Jay Dee shows his off his giant wit by taking (get this) one of the lyrics of the song Nathan's just sung and then (wait for it) QUOTING IT BACK TO HIM IN A DIFFERENT CONTEXT! In this case he says Nathan is "half way there". Genius.

During the adbreak I see this trailer:


Which makes me wonder: WHO WILL BE MAN ENOUGH TO TACKLE THE JACKSON TONIGHT? Stan, I'm looking at you.


STAN WILL THRILL YOU.


Next up is SCOTT the brickie who has very unwisely chosen to sing Let's Groove. Oh dear. The last time we heard Earth Wind and Fire we all had cruise ship flashbacks. BECAUSE IT'S IMPOSSIBLE NOT TO, IT'S FRICKIN' EARTH WIND AND FIRE.

"This is the kind of music I want to make, but the modern version of it," Scott says.


So, like CDB then? OR EVEN MORE MODERN? LIKE WITH LASERS?


"I just feel I shouldn't be here sometimes," he continues, a statement to which you will find no opposition in my house.

Last week Scott looked like a concussed rugby player. Tonight he looks like a pissed, concusssed rugby player singing disco at the premiership piss up. This is not helped when he attempts a knee slide and some vocal gymnastics worse than Tim's.

"This has to be the single worst performance I've ever seen on Idol," says Raoul.

"What about Damien Leith on disco night?" I counter.

"No, this is worse," he says glumly.


That is a big call, considering...


Clearly lost for words, Ross sums up Scott's performance with the highly ambiguous comment "That's what I call a career move!" - one hopes it's a move back to his previous career of ANYTHING BUT SINGING.


That's what I call a career move!


Marcia, who tonight is dressed as a nun, says "Hell yeah!" which sort of ruins the ilusion. Jay Dee says he has mixed emotions about Scott, even though he came through and pulled it off and he should keep growing. Hmm. Thank goodness for Dicko and his voice of reason, who alerts everyone to the very same fact we all realised in a moment of frozen margarita-induced clarity last Sunday: SCOTT HAS SHARK EYES.


Put a baseball cap and some cheap earrings on this and you've got Scott.


Well actually he said Scott had "eyes that don't register anything" but I've taken it to the next logical step.

Moving on to HAYLEY and her rendition of Bruce Springsteen's Dancing in the Dark. In a nutshell:

  • Hayley + Springsteen = oh YES, this will be rockin'.


  • Hayley and Ross discover they both fell into music through tragedy - aww, look at them bonding. Maybe he'll adopt her.


  • I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE HAYLEY IS WEARING THE SAME OUTFIT AGAIN. Seriously? I mean SERIOUSLY? Black jeans, T shirt and jacket week after week after week I CAN'T HANDLE IT ANYMORE, SOMEBODY PLEASE PUT SOME COLOUR ON HER THAT SHE CAN'T SMEAR ALL OVER HER FACE.

    "She looks like a Salisbury bogan. All she needs is a pack of cigarettes," says Raoul.

    I concur.


  • Halfway through the song she launches herself onto a set of bongoes for a drum solo. It's a bit weird, it's a bit hippie, it's a bit Coldplay, but I'll go with it.


  • Marcia says she loves the way Hayley walks on stage. WAIT UNTIL SHE WALKS OFF, MARCIA, IT'LL BLOW YOUR MIND. Jay Dee continues his incredibly witty trend of quoting song lyrics back at the Idols by saying Hayley is "a spark". Is she a "gun for hire" too, Jay Dee? Dicko says the drums were stupid and that Hayley has a Billy Idol smile - oooh why didn't she do White Wedding? Ross says her voice is like a laser beam.



Next up is Adelaide's hottest piece of nanna bait best loved primary school teacher TOBY with Foreigner's I Wanna Know What Love Is.

"Oh for god's sake, every song this guy does is a slowed down ballad," shrieks Raoul.

It's true. Toby does tend to sing every song like a tired and emotional jazz singer at the end of a long night at the Las Vegas Travelodge. Which is fine if you've just lost all your money on craps and the hooker you bought turned out to be a man and you're wanting to slump at the bar and cry into your martini to some appropriate musical backing. But not so much in any other situation.

"He's very good looking," I suggest.

"Who cares? He can't sing," grumbles Raoul.

"I think he CAN sing, I just don't know if it's the kind of voice that could sell an album," I argue.

"IT'S JUST GAY AND BORING," snaps Raoul, which rather settles the matter.

Jay Dee says Toby has raw sex appeal and ladies, grandmas and girls are going to love it. Then he reveals that next week is Pink Night - so ladies, grandmas and girls, get ready to see Toby's pink bits!


OH MY STARS!


Dicko asks Toby if he feels guilty. Then he asks if he feels like he's betrayed his passion. Then he gets out his big paddywhacker and asks him if he's been a naughty boy... Toby says he feels like he's betrayed his artistry by singing Foreigner. Dicko clearly doesn't give a shit. Neither does anyone else. Hooray for Idol! Just for something different, Marcia says I Wanna Know What Love Is is one her favourite songs ever and from there we sashay into KIM who is getting her Wilde on tonight with You Keep Me Hanging On.

In a nutshell:

  • Kim admits to hating the 80s, which would seem to be incongruous with her ENTIRE WARDROBE EVERY SINGLE WEEK. And tonight is no exception - she's got skin tight jeans with strategically placed holes and a graffiti tank.

    "My god, those jeans are going to give her a yeast infection," shouts Raoul. I guess that would depend on just how strategically those holes have been placed...


  • Yeast infection or not, it's clear Kim has contracted some sort of disease that prevents her from singing the ends of words. Either that or this is a new version of the song called "You Kee Me Haaaang Oh!"


  • Dicko says he's sick of Kim being in the bottom three. Better get out your phone and vote then, eh Dicko? Ross says it didn't seem natural. Speaking of which, natural yoghurt is a good cure for...

    "It felt natural to me and I really connect with that song," saya Kim, as if we care.


  • Marcia says Kim is an instrument. Actually no she's not, she's a casserole. And the band is a bed of rice! Dicko asks if she's low fat, before not so secretly earning some more bunce by plugging Jenny Craig. What would a Kim casserole look like?


    Like this, I think.


Jay Dee says he sees Kim each week, which is a bit of a revelation for everyone, and we move along to TIM who's doing Heaven by Bryan Adams. Sigh. Bye Tim, no one cares about this song.

The cameraman's loving, lingering close up for the start of Tim's song allows me and Raoul to launch into our weekly debate about whether Tim is good looking or not, which somehow finishes with the revelation that I'd like to "do it to his face". Don't ask me to explain this. I'm not even sure what it means.

OK so is it just me, or has Tim been getting better at singing every week? Or is it just that I've been a bit tipsy the last few Sundays and so am more swayed than usual by his stunning good looks?

By the time I've figured this out Tim has finished and Ken Doll is saying something. Oh well. Ross says he wishes he could take Tim out (don't we all?), before suggesting that he should have an affair with a bad girl. OMG - ME. I COULD BE THAT BAD GIRL. TIM, CALL ME. Marcia says something about getting bent, Dicko says something about electricity and Jay Dee tells Tim he needs to get dirty. Tim reveals he didn't have a shower on Friday, which seems to be rather missing the point of what "getting dirty" is all about.

Dust off your bandanna and pull your cowboy boots on, it's KATE the lesbian cowgirl up next with... BILLY OCEAN? What the fu...


No good can come from adding a cowboy hat to this.


"Hate it," spits Raoul before she's even started her rendition of When the Going Gets Tough.

"Jesus, fuck!" he spluffs when she storms out on stage in an embroidered jacket with zippers, Alice Cooper eye makeup and THAT BLOODY HAT. I concur. Seriously Kate, what's with the hat? Even Wes Carr didn't wear his bloody hat every night.

I'm not going to go into detail about Kate's performance for fear that the simple act of writing about it will revive memories I have tried hard to suppress over the last 24 hours. But the fact that this song is best associated with a) Billy Ocean and b) Jewel of the Nile and now c) a lesbian cowgirl should be enough for you to get a picture of what it was like.

Marcia speaks for the entire country for once by saying she didn't like it. Dicko says it was awful. Ross says Kate has an "attractive voice", which is kind of like saying Kate is a "handsome girl". Jay Dee reaches into the deepest comedic recesses of his soul and brings out yet another quirkily relevant song lyric, saying "the tough didn't get going tonight".


The audience is totally impressed.


In a last ditch effort to be the only person in the room defending her performance, Kate says When the Tough Gets Going was the best song she could find. From the entire 1980s decade.


I checked the 1980s cupboard and the only thing in there was this kettle and a Billy Ocean CD.


Let's move right away from this nightmare shall we, and over to what will no doubt be a standing ovation-worthy performance by STAN, who has narrowly avoided an arse kicking by me for not singing Michael Jackson by masterfully planning to sing Prince's Purple Rain instead.


MASTER STROKE.


"This is awesome. Purple Rain? This is giving me a purple patch!" says Raoul halfway through Stan's completely amazingly awesome performance. I have no idea what he means, but I don't care, I just want more, more, MORE STAN!!

As Stan rounds off the song with a stunning a cappella finish, and the roaring crowd jumps to its feed, Raoul and I conclude that it is the best performance by anyone, ever.


At this point I'd like to remind you of THIS call which I made in the very first episode. Thank you.


Jay Dee says "that's how you win a competition", which is weird because I totally don't remember that lyric in Purple Rain. Dicko says Stan makes the whole Idol thing seem so simple. What like, getting up on stage and singing a song well and in tune? Gee, that IS simple! Ross says it was a knockout. Marcia says it was the bomb. Raoul and I high five and congratulate ourselves on getting through another two hours of life on the couch.

So there you go, what an awesome show! Can't wait to... what's that? We're not finished yet? You mean someone has to follow THAT? What do you mean James hasn't sung yet? Who's Ja... oh, right. Good luck, Mini Zoolander, you haven't got a hope in hell. I search for Stan's performance on Youtube so we can watch that again instead, but sadly no one lives in the future yet so it's not there. Sigh.

So anyway, JAMES is doing The Power of Love by Huey Lewis and the News. And he's wearing a vest. IT'S ALL SO LAST WEEK I'M SO BORED ALREADY HURRY UP WHERE'S STAN WHEN YOU NEED HIM.

James in a nutshell (and he'd probably fit in one too):

  • James sings and it's kind of like your 13 year old nephew playing 80s Singstar and laughing at all the old video clips. GUESS WHAT JAMES, SOME PEOPLE ACTUALLY LIVED THROUGH THE 80S AND THEY DON'T REMEMBER HUEY LEWIS FONDLY.


  • That's it. Everyone else pales in comparison to Stan.


  • Dicko looks perturbed, as do we all, then says James is "sexy with training wheels". Thanks Dicko, but we'd prefer not to know what you and the Idols get up to at home. Ross rubs salt into the wound by reminding James he had to follow Stan. Stan was really, really great, remember Stan? Oh, the memories. Marcia says James should use his nerves to propel him forward. And failing that, he could try popping one out. Jay Dee gives a completely confusing critique that doesn't involve a lyric or anything worth listening to, and therefore it won't be recorded here.



And as Tag Team said back in that OTHER decade that's now considered cool by young people I find annoying - "Whoomp, there it is!". Another episode down, another clock set ticking on another wannabe musician's career. Hooray!

Kate - tick, tick, tick...

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Oz Idol wrap up - 80s Night

Purple Rain? PURPLE RAIN? STAN, COULD YOU BE ANY MORE WONDERFUL?

In order to get over the awesomeness that was Stan's 80s night performance (I am currently breathing into a paper bag while Raoul holds a bag of frozen peas on my head) you'll have to give me a little more leeway in posting tonight's wrap up. I'm thinking Monday afternoon.

See you then.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Australian Idol 09 Wrap Up: Final 2 - Rock Night

Ahh, Rock Night. The most hallowed and sacred night on the Idol calendar (after Disco Night and Australian Hits Oh Alright Then You Can Sing New Zealand Bands Too Night).

So sacred and special is Rock Night that lo, it cannot be described with the words of mere mortals. Yea, the closest ye can get to describing its innate awesomeness is with pictures. And thus, if Rock Night could be summed up in a picture, it would be this:


FAIL.


Or this:


Think about it...


Or this:


Mmm, Coldplay again!


Yes, for some reason not one Idol has ever managed to actually rock out on Rock Night - despite the occasional misguided attempt at ACDC no one ever usually gets any harder than Powderfinger. It's pathetic, it's sad, it's almost always awkward to watch - AND THAT'S WHY WE LOVE IT.


This was me last night, I swear.


So - on with the salve, and on with the show! And first up tonight Ken Doll introduces our guest for the night, SUZI QUATRO!

What's that you can hear? Why, I believe that's the sound of a million teenagers rolling their eyes. Or possibly changing channels for the next five minutes, I can't be sure.

On comes Suzi dressed as 1974 to sing Devilgate Drive, and everyone pretends the next four and a half minutes of their lives aren't completely lame.


WOW SUZI QUATRO IS ON? SHE'S SO zzzzzzzzzzzz.


Here's the thing: Suzi Quatro might have been awesome once, but now she looks like your mum. And actually kind of sounds like her after a few chardys at your uncle Gerry's 50th. Whicih brings me to this salient point: there comes a time in every woman's life when she has to admit that leather pants are no longer a good idea.


This is that time.


"My teenage fantasies are all coming alive," says Ken Doll excitedly. If only the internet had been around in the 80s to cater for his "old women in leather" fetish.

And from one train wreck into another - the first person to leave the Idol house (speaking of which, does everyone remember when they actually used to LIVE in a house together, and the cameras used to go behind the scenes showing us how they shared bunk beds and stuff? WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT?) is ASHLEIGH eyebrows, whose real name I've just realised is Ashleigh Tool. Which is a much better joke. Oh well.

"I'm really pleased at the way you're leaving us," says Ken Doll.

So is the front row, evidently.


The world is Ashleigh's gynaecologist.



Fortunately I'm distracted from Ashleigh's nether regions by Marcia, who has come to the Idol fancy dress party tonight dressed as a giant Kool Fruit.


Refreshing! (And she makes a great sound when you roll her down the aisle at the cinema)


Meanwhile, it's over to Ricki Lee and her co host Nancy Ganz to say something unimportant...


Try a vest next week instead, it works for everyone else


...before throwing back to Ken Doll to give us a potted history of Suzi Quatro for the benefit of - well, Idol's entire TV viewing audience. I'd like to think the kids at home are lapping it up, saying things like "Wow, she makes ME want to grow a mullet and grab a guitar!" but I have a feeling they're thinking the same thing I am: what Coen brothers movie has this chick just strolled out of?


O style, where art thou?


On to the first performer for the evening - HAYLEY - who is getting a quick rundown on rock and roll by Suzi. The basic equation seems to be: rock and roll = leather. There might have been something about music in there too but that's basically it.

Hayley's singing something by Paramore, which I suspect is one of those bands that "the kids" like these days. I bet they look something like this:


Maybe with a bit more eyeliner.


Just for something different she's decided to wear A BLACK FUCKING VEST, this time with ripped stonewash jeans she retrieved from an archaelogical dig at the site of Madonna's first video clip. I have never heard this song before in my life but it's not bad. And at least it's not Coldplay. Hayley is hot.

Dicko says he wants to do some dad dancing because Hayley is becoming so believable. IS that what he does every time he believes in something? How inconvenient. Kool Fruit says Hayley needs some TLC, which is obviously crap advice because Waterfalls is SO not rock and roll. Der, Marcia. Suzi Q says she had energy, the look and attitudfe with a capital A and... HANG ON, THERE ARE FOUR JUDGES NOW?


Maybe next week they can hold "Inappropriate Night" and bring back Kyle as guest judge.


Jay Dee says "there's nothing I can say to top that". So he doesn't say anything at all. Just for something different. Meanwhile, up in the rafters...


"You reckon YOU were hard done by? They told me four judges would be too many, and now look at it!"


Moving right along to CASEY, who I like to refer to as "bung eye" but who everyone on the show likes to refer to as "the 30 year old dad from Queensland". There's a description that will sell records.

"30 IS NOT OLD!" shrieks Raoul from the kitchen. (It's his birthday on Thursday).

Casey in a nutshell:

  • Suzi says Casey seems like a nice guy and then punches him in the face, echoing what Raoul and I have been wanting to do to him since the show began. Or maybe she's just trying to even up his vision.


  • Suzi continues to "help", telling Casey to stay away from cliches - you know, like mullet hairdos, studs and leather jumpsuits.


  • Casey comes out and sings something by Carolina Liar. Who? I dunno, this show's making me feel older every week (and Casey's like, 30, so how the hell does that work?)


  • At least his T shirt matches his tatts.




  • "What a waaaaaaste of tiiiiiime," he sings. I couldn't agree more.


  • Marcia says it was very "un-nice". Somehow this is meant to be a compliment. Suzi tells him to pull the focus in a bit. Steady on, he's half blind! Meanwhile, Jay Dee completely extinguishes all those pesky gay rumours by telling Casey to pull something out that will knock him against the wall, and Dicko confirms that Casey is a real person and not just a hologram by confirming that "physically, you were absolutely there tonight".


    Unlike Holden and Kyle who are only spiritually there.


It's about this point that I start to wonder if anyone will sing a song I actually KNOW tonight. AND I'M NOT EVEN 30.

KATE the cowgirl is up next.


Anyone wanna bet on her singing Lee Kernaghan? Keith Urban? SHANIA TWAIN - it will DEFINITELY be Shania Twain.


In her usual inimitable style Kate has ironed her best Harley Davidson shirt and bogan jeans for a rehearsal with her idol, Suzi Quatro.

"You're the shit mate, you're the fuckin queen of rock and roll mate," she slags in what may later be used as her audition tape for Ladette to Lady.

She's chosen to sing Jet's Are You Gonna Be My Girl.

I'm not sure what pick up lines usually work for Kate, but covering oneself in leather and studs and yelling "BE MY GIRL!!!!" is probably only successful in certain establishments.

Truth be told, she looks like Hoggle's taller cousin from Labyrinth.


Dance, magic dance, magic dance...


She's been taking eye makeup lessons from Hayley, which is a good thing, but she spends most of her time on stage strutting around pointing at the cameras and yelling, which is a bad thing. I's clear she's tried to head from the country to the city with thsi one, but sadly she's ended up somewhere in the outer suburbs by mistake. Somewhere near a discount supermarket.

Suzi says Kate is like Melissa Etheridge. And you know, all those other lesbian rockers out there like... er... well you know, Melissa Etheridge. Jay Dee points out that he's not a woman, which explains why Raoul is yet to be distracted by his cleavage. Dicko says alternative rock is not Kate's thing. Lucky she did Jet, then. Kool Fruit gets out her Little Book of Blackspeak That Sounds Cool But Doesn't Mean Anything and says it either is or it ain't, and Kate's IS.

"Next up is Toby Moulton from Adelaide," says Ken Doll.

"Ohhhh that's going to be SHIT," groans Raoul, slumping back to the kitchen in protest.

But actually he's wrong, because up next is NATHAN the curtain haired Queen (fan).

"I think Nathan isn't sure who he is yet, he's searching," says Suzi. So are all the people who keep coming to this blog by googling "Nathan Idol gay", by the looks of it.

"I want to be vulnerable but I'm too scared," Nathan mews, which would seem to be rather missing THE ENTIRE POINT of what "vulnerable" actually is.

Just like all the other Idols before him, Nathan is doing his best to make me feel as old as possible by singing a song I vaguely recognise but don't know.


Bloody upstarts!


But I do know one thing - IT'S NOT FUCKING ROCK. Neither is his decidedly girly neck scarf that hasn't been popular since Matt Corby was single handedly responsible for getting it stocked in Sportsgirl two years ago. But despite the non rock song, the dodgy scarf and the saddlebags (hey, if Kyle can tell Jessica Mauboy she had a muffin top...) he's delivering a very convincing teen-angsty performance and he sounds golden. And nothing like Freddie Mercury, thank god.

Jay Dee says it's rare you get to sit in a room with a legend like this. No one's sure if he's referring to himself or not. Dicko says Nathan's "theatrical", which as we all know, is media speak for "flamboyant".


Just like Elton John.


Kool Fruit reaches under the desk and grabs the script for Hott Catholic Schoolgirls II that Kyle accidentally left behind a month ago, turns to page three and says "being vulnerable baby is what it's about, don't be scared, yeah". Suzi Q says she hit his soft side. How rude, to comment on his lovehandles like that.

"I reckon he's a contender, that Nathan," I say to Raoul.

"I can't find my nuts," whinges Raoul, which is coincidentally what Nathan said just before going on stage tonight.

Moving on to TOBY, who is continuing with his method of choosing songs by working through the playlist on his iPod with Muse's Starlight. Finally, a song I know. This one's going to be a ball tearer if he does it right. Sadly, we all know he won't. I have no idea what he and Suzi said to each other during their rehearsal because Raoul and I were too busy singing Muse to each other and congratulating each other on our own awesomeness.

Toby's rocking his usual unimpressive "dad on the weekend" look, although he's grown a bit of stubble to combat his "nice guy" image. Sadly, it's strayed rather a bit too far into "homeless guy" territory.


Buddy can you spare a dime?


"Muse is only good because Matt Bellamy plays the guitar like a motherfucker," says Raoul. I concur - it's hard to impress with Muse without setting off some fireworks and busting out a massive guitar solo. Toby, by comparison, is more like a few sparklers and a banjo riff.

Dicko continues the weekly "gay banter with Toby" theme by telling him his entry point isn't pointy enough. Toby returns the favour by inviting Dicko back to his house. Christ, why don't they just throw a "Gay Night" and get over it once and for all? Nathan can sing Queen, Toby can sing Suede, Jay Dee can dress as a woman and Dicko can wear nipple clamps AND EVERYONE WILL BE HAPPY. Suzi Q says she wants to see Toby use the microphone as his lover (maybe he could use it in his entry point?). Jay Dee desperately tries to score some popularity points by saying Toby did a really good job, and then namedrops the Sex Pistols to prove he's still cool. IT DOESN'T WORK.

Moving along to TIM who is backstage preparing for a ball tearing, arse clenching, teeth shattering night of ROOOOCK by "being the most polite and kind Idol we've ever had". Oh goody, that sounds fun. I shall get the doilies out. Tim announces he's going to sing the Rolling Stones, at which point I black out - it's some sort of defence mechanism I think, to prevent msyelf from hearing Tim murdering rock and roll - and only come to in time to hear him say the words "Jack Flash".

Oh dear god no. He's not going to do Jumping Jack Flash, surely? I didn't hear anything following this, as Raoul and I were singing other Stones songs he should have chosen instead. I vote for Paint It Black and Raoul votes for Satisfaction. Then we both vote for Sympathy for the Devil and shake on it. Over to Ken Doll, who makes sure this song is made even more obscure for Idol's tween audience by introducing it as "the song that inspired Whoopi Goldberg's movie".


Whoopee who?


"What is he, a black woman in a gospel choir?" snorts Raoul as Tim launches into a slow r&b style intro to the song.

Actually, no. Tim is the whitest person you've ever met. In fact he may actually be Jim Carrey:


Alrighty then!


"Gas, gas, gas, gasssssssssssssssss," he sings. So if he doesn't win Idol, he might get a job with Metamucil.

Suzi asks if Tim can see the audience. Is he blind too? What the hell is going on with the Idols this year? Jay Dee says Suzi saved a train wreck, which kind of puts her on par with Superman (and about the same tightness of pants). Dicko says Tim "looks like he's had his rock cherry popped". Tuesday's sales of stain remover skyrocket as millions of Australians attempt to get vomit out of their living room carpets.

Next up is SABRINA, who explains what rock is to everyone by saying it's "grit and raw and dirty".

"She's talking about the actual characteristics of a rock," points out Raoul.


By gum, she's right!


No word on whether she'll be doing sedimentary or igneous tonight, although we do know from her rehearsals with Suzi Q that she'll be SCREAMING AND WAILING LIKE LINDA BLAIR ON CRACK. It is quite likely from this preview that Sabrina's grand finale will involve spinning her head round and spewing on the audience (which will still be an improvement on whatever SCOTT is planning to do).

She's singing Linkin Park and frankly, it's fucking frightening. She starts off quiet and dramatic, but within 30 seconds she's built up to a full blown roar and is crying, wailing and kicking over mic stands. POW! It's like being attacked by a gypsy postcard seller at a train station: "You buy my postcards? Please miss, you buy my postcard? HEY, I said you buy postcard! HEY MISS, why you not want buy postcard? BLOODY MISS I SAID HEY YOU HAVE MONEY YOU BUY MY SHITTING POSTCARDS!!!" Except with more leather and less postcards.


Imagine the sound that goes with this image, multiply it by about 50 decibels and then imagine SOMEONE HITTING YOU OVER THE HEAD WITH A FRYING PAN FOR THREE MINUTES. That's what Sabrina's performance was like.


It is TRULY terrible. Suzi Quatro's face sums it up:


WTF?


"You had tears in your eyes," she says. Yes Suzi, everyone did. That's generally what happens when you're subjected to an unrelenting, piercing noise.

Jay Dee says he would have stood up and applauded except that he's stapled to the floor. In other news - if that's the only thing stopping him from leaving the show, can someone please bring a claw hammer next week? Dicko attempts to qualify for the Australian team in the Obvious Olympics by saying says Sabrina is over dramatic.


No, that's not the same thing as "theatrical".


"Every chorus for you is like a major international incident," says Dicko, stealing the coveted Bland Canyon Quote of the Week crown away from last week's winner, Jay Dee.

Kool Fruit does her weekly shout out to the lighting crew by saying that light and shade is the secret, everyone applauds Sabrina for being a complete fucking mess and we roll on to JAMES who says it was a real buzz to rehearse with Suzi Quatro who is like, Dicko's big sister or something.

Suzi teaches him to sing rock and roll by opening up his legs. Hopefully Marcia will encourage him to pop one out, Ken Doll will mention Whoopi again and Tim wil join him on stage to sing "It's a gas gas gas" - then the holy trinity of fart jokes will be complete. As it turns out, James has chosen to sing Fall Out Boy - although I'm not entirely sure where it'll be falling out from. I'm just about to make a joke about this when I black out again at the sight of James' T Shirt.


Oh no you didn't. OH NO YOU DIDN'T!


When it comes to sacrilege, a teenage Idol contestant wearing a Bob Dylan T Shirt to sing Fall Out Boy ranks up there with farting on the Pope.


You won't ever be this cool, don't try, please don't wear any more Dylan T shirts, thank you.
(And before you all start leaving comments on how Dylan has sold out anyway because he's recording a Christmas album and lending his voice to a Satnav system - I CAN'T HEAR YOU I CAN'T HEAR YOU LA LA LA LA LA)


"He's like a little kid jumping around in his loungeroom," spits Raoul, who is also filled with Dylan T shirt-related rage. I concur.

"Hey, cool t shirt," says Jay Dee.


Grrrrrrr....


Jay Dee continues his insightful critique by saying "as long as you enjoyed yourself that's all that matters". Good. Well if that's the main criteria for winning Idol why didn't this bloke get anywhere?


Dicko says he "thought it would be a banana skin". Er, Dicko - you want a banana skin, turn to your right.


Tasty!


"I know exactly what Suzi's done," says Marcia ominously.


So do a whole lot of cows - BUT THEY WON'T BE TELLIN' NO ONE NOW, WILL THEY?


Suzi says James looks like Stevie Wonder. Marcia's interest in James increases by 30%.

Next up (oh my god, is it not over yet? Seriously?) is SCOTT, otherwise known as the one who'll get kicked off next week, doing American Woman. Ten bucks says he thinks Lenny Kravitz wrote it. Actually, ten bucks says he doesn't even know who Lenny Kravitz is.


Meanwhile, I'm going straight out to buy one of these.


Suzi Quatro kicks off their rehearsal together by kneeing Scott straight in the balls. I'm not sure if this is to improve his falsetto, or just because she doesn't like him. Whatever the reason, he's clearly still feeling the effects of it when he hits the stage, as he starts his performance by lying down on his back and singing at the ceiling. Has Suzi killed him? Is he paraplegic now? No, he's just being DRAMATIC (not theatrical). Or, as I like to call it: LAME.

As a tribute to Scott the brickie and his monosyllabic interviewing style, I shall sum up his performance thus: Sleeveless vest. Short legs. Try to DJ - FAIL. Botox face. Even my sister says it's shithouse.

Dicko says describes Scott as a beginner amongst a bunch of professionals. I say that when a barista and a drama graduate rank as more professional than you, it's time to give up whatever you're doing. Kool Fruit says his bottom end was slammin'. I can only assume his top half was fastened shut, like a barn door. Suzi says she liked him lying on the ground. Me too, it was just a pity he got up again. She tells him to sing in front of a mirror, rich advice coming from Suzi who clearly hasn't looked in a mirror for some time. Jay Dee says "God I look like a tool on TV", which is about the most accurate judgement he's made over the last few weeks. Ken Doll says something about guns, Scott does an impression of a concussed rugby player...


Duhhhh.


...and we all move on to KIM who is a cheap trick.

Oops, of course I mean SINGING Cheap Trick.


And why wouldn't she? Look how cool they are.


She's also doing a very good impression of an optical illusion thanks to a very short black and white mini dress. I think the illusion is that she's wearing underpants.

"I wonnnnt yewww to wonnnnt maaayyyyy," she sings in that strange accent she puts on when she's on stage.

She sounds a bit like a sheep stuck in a barbed wire fence crossed with Gwen Stefani. Which reminds me that Just a Girl would have been a way better song for her to do. It's mostly good, but there are shades of the after-work-drinks-that-accidentally-winds-up-at-a-karaoke-bar-at-3am about it. But let's face it, the girl has great hair and even better teeth, which at this stage of the competition can count for a lot more than singing like a sheep.

Kool Fruit puts on her June Dally Watkins hat, gets in her Delorean, drives back to 1953 and says "When you've got a dress on, stay a lady". Suzi says "do it with trousers". Preferably leather ones. For approximately the 350th time this episode Jay Dee says he can't follow their comments at all and so says nothing. I'm so glad he's here, aren't you? Dicko tells Hayley to bend over, but before we have to reach for the bucket again it's time for our last Idol of the night (HALLELUJAH - do you know how long these things take to write?) STAN.

"He has got something very special to show you," says Ken Doll. Oh goody, is he going to bend over too?

No actually, he's going to do Metallica's Nothing Else Matters.

Say what? Did you say that an IDOL is going to sing a REAL ROCK SONG on ROCK NIGHT? COULD IT BE POSSIBLE? It is, dear reader. AND NOW YOU KNOW WHY STAN IS STILL MY FAVOURITE.

He's ditched the daggy old cardy from last week and spruiced up with a cool black jacket and pants, with a weird bit of chain hanging down from somewhere. I don't know what it does - maybe it's to stop him being stolen from outside buildings. It's a little bit soul, a little bit rock and whole lot of awesome. Stan for PM.

"Shi-i-it yeah, that was best of the night," gasps Raoul. I concur. (Apart from Hayley, who was rather on par with the awesomeness levels this week.)

Suzi says she felt him and liked it when Stan took her down low. So THAT'S why they didn't show much footage from their rehearsals. Jay Dee says something about emotion washing over him, but all I heard was "Blah blah blah I'm not as funny as Kyle was". Dicko says Stan's awesome and believable and disciplined, none of which is remotely funny, unfortunately for me. Kool Fruit wraps up proceedings with by saying "when Stan sings like that, nothing else does matter", although I don't hear her because I'm busy groaning.

So, who's in the bottom three next week then?

"It's hard to call, they're all so shit," muses Raoul, before going for TIM, TOBY and SCOTT.

Contentiously, I'm picking KATE, SABRINA and SCOTT, with odds on Kate to go.

And now a word of advance notice - I'll be unable to post a wrap up of this Sunday's show (or if I do, it'll be mighty late)(yes, even later than this one was, you smart arses). I can't say why, just know that the words "frozen cocktail machine" are involved. I hope you understand.

In the meantime, feel free to add your own witty appraisals of the show in the comments, or hit me up in Twitter @petstarr.