Roll up everyone, come join the Idol funhouse - it's PINK Night tonight, meaning we'll be treated to two hours of girls screaming, boys changing lyrics to suit their heterosexuality (with the possible exception of Nathan) and everybody pretending it's not a massive let down that Pink isn't actually there.
Time for another massive let down - the entire final nine singing Get This Party Started, which is about as lame as it sounds but which improves dramatically at its conclusion, which features Ken Doll suspended upside down over the audience threatening to vomit on everyone.
"You look like Tinkerbell," hoots Dicko.
"I thought he was going to say he swings both ways," snorts Raoul, in what is obviously a much better joke (although somewhat let down by its rather defamatory nature).
Let's check in with Ricki Lee:
Sadly, her co-host Nancy Ganz couldn't make it tonight. Note to Ten: STOP DRESSING RICKI LEE IN SKIN TIGHT BLACK SATIN.
When it comes to the ceremonial booting, it seems all the girls are safe. SUCH IS THE POWER OF THE MIGHTY PINK THAT YEA, THE VERY MENTION OF HER NAME IS ENOUGH TO PROTECT HER SISTERS FROM THE IDOL HAND OF DOOM.
Having said that, I'm sure she wasn't aware that Kate was still in the competition.
Hitting the skids tonight is SCOTT aka the concussed rugby player (could Australia have finally come to its senses?), JAMES aka Mini Zoolander who tonight is giving the entire country the finger courtesy of a T shirt that will no doubt result in complaints letters to Channel 10, and TIM aka the one who's hot and can make coffee but can only sing kind of OK and is a bit boring.
"Yeah, the ones we hate!" shrieks Raoul before launching into a Grease-inspired rendition of "They're the ones that we hate, they are the ones we hate - woo, woo, woo!"
PS: Tim, I don't hate you.
Sadly, the rest of Australia does and sexy Tim is kicked off the show. I'll have a skim latte, thanks mate.
He's rather disappointed, but fortunately Jay Dee is on hand to give him some really motivational and inspiring words: "Keep going and you may get there". Or, you know, you may not. Dicko says he wants to see more of Tim, echoing the thoughts of every red blooded woman around the nation, assuming "more of" means "naked". Marcia says she would have liked him more if he was black and we roll straight on into our first performer for the night - NATHAN, who is slowly completing his metamorphosis into Matt Corby by wearing a bigger and bigger tea towel around his neck every week. Actually I think tonight he's graduated to tablecloth, there's so much check around his neck.
He's doing Like A Pill tonight, a nice angsty song which should provide him with a good opportunity to show off his method acting skills (ie: clutching at his hair, dragging his hand down his face and looking pained). And clearly Matt Corby isn't the only former Idol Nathan's been studying - he's got the patented Dean Geyer stare down pat.
Although the rest of the package may be harder for Nathan to imitate.
It's all very slow and intense. Then he says "bitch", throws the mic stand on the floor and struts off - it's rather like Ja'ime's tantrum from Summer Heights High.
I don't know how to put this, but I'm kind of a big deal.
Overall it's rather fantastic - full of passion and angst and foot stamping, I LOVE IT. Although I do wish Nathan would stop wearing tight jeans - honestly, will someone please tell him he has women's legs? Or maybe don't, that's mean. Just tell himthat Matt Corby doesn't wear skinny jeans anymore and he should stop.
Dicko says he looks five years younger and his performance was delicious and sexy and naughty, which gives a somewhat disturbing insight into his personal preferences. Marcia says Nathan told the story and it made her nervous. Was it a ghost story, Marcia? Did Nathan tell you a ghost story? Just for something different, Jay Dee says he agrees with everything the other judges said. Pink says nothing, because SHE'S NOT FUCKING THERE.
This is where Pink would have sat and been completely awesome, if Ten had been able to afford her.
Up next is SCOTT the shark-eyed brickie, with So What. In homage to Pink he's turned the rock up to 11 with a TOTALLY AWESOME AND FULLY ROCK AND ROLL FAKE TATTOO SLEEVE.
It's OK, I've heard Pink paints her tatts on with texta before her shows every night. A fake tattoo sleeve is totally cool.
"I guess I just lost my girlfriend, I dunno where she went," he blahs into the microphone. OH GOOD, I JUST LOVE IT WHEN PEOPLE CHANGE THE LYRICS OF SONGS TO SUIT THEIR GENDER, IT'S SO COOL.
"I'm alright, I'm just fine and you're a tool," he continues. Um, actually I think the one prancing about on stage wearing a fake tattoo sleeve and pumping his fist into the air like his team's just won the grand final might be the tool.
"The biggest crime of this show is that they gave that bloke confidence," says Raoul, shaking his head.
Marcia says the song made her nervous. Again. Does she need some valium or what? Then she gives Scott props on the bridge - I'm not sure what props or which bridge, so let's just say she gave him an umbrella and a teapot on the Golden Gate. Jay Dee says he got through it with charisma but there was no dynamic in the vocal and he flatlined, and a few other wanky made-up industry terms. Then he brands it "Hi-5 does Pink", which is possibly the most interesting, accurate and witty thing he's said since the series began. Dicko tells Scott to go home and watch a Robbie Williams DVD to work on his rock and roll attitude, which is kind of like telling someone to study a bar of soap to work on their personality.
Moving on to this year's winner, STAN "The man" Walker who tonight is taking the official Idol 2009 uniform of "the vest" to a whole new level by wearing it WITHOUT A SLEEVED SHIRT UNDERNEATH.
Truly, this is a big moment for the Idol vest. For the record, the Australian Idol 2009 vest cound now stands at 36,312.
Sadly his arms are lacking the tone required to make all the female viewers forget about Tim - when it comes to guns, Stan's got water pistols. On a positive note, he's got a sexy new hair cut and he's rocking a brand new attitude, of which I highly approve.
Ricki Lee's paunch asks Stan if he likes Pink, to which he replies: "Oh yeah, she's the man!"
Pink's the man? I thought Stan was the man? ARE THEY THE SAME PERSON?
Stan's taken to the official Idol stool to sing Dear Mr President, a song that everyone pretends is really great because it's about George Bush, but actually is a little bit hokey.
You can buy your own official Idol stool on the internet.
He starts off OK, if a little unsteady. He looks confused. He's very quiet, then he stops. What the hell is going on here? Is he drunk? Has he forgotten the lyrics? IS THIS SOME SORT OF GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY TO STOP HIM FROM SINGING A POLITCAL SONG? But then the music swells, he regains confidence and Stan kicks into gear, finishing triumphantly with some acappella magic.
As it transpires Stan is neither drunk, forgetful or under attack from ASIO - he's just deaf.
"I couldn't hear anything, ay. I was flat the whole first butt," he slobbers.
Stan's whole first butt was flat.
OK so actually maybe it was some sort of techno problem with his earpiece. Whatever it was, Jay Dee says Stan coped with it well and the second half was good. Dicko asks why Stan chose a protest song and Stan cites Pink's gigantic balls as his motivation. Marcia says she heard something and that's all she can say. So at least SOMEONE could hear something up there. Oh and also, that's her favourite song.
Marcia has a few favourite songs.
Next up is KATE, aka the contestant who is stubbornly refusing to be voted out every week, who has finally revealed why she's been wearing a cowboy hat 24 hours a day since the competition started - her hair's not very good.
Billy Cyrus would be envious.
I have officially changed my mind about the hat. KATE - PUT IT BACK ON.
In a nutshell:
- Kate says being on Idol is like having a mum again. I can only gather from this that Kate's mum was highly judgemental and only paid attention to her for two hours every week.
- She's taken Pink's Trouble, added a banjo and an RM Williams belt buckle and turned it into something you'd hear emanating from the "Olde Wild West" float in the annual Christmas Pageant. Needless to say, this is not good.
- While she's so far avoided the "vest" part of the Idol uniform, Kate has misguidedly succumbed to the "tight jeans" requirement. Note to everyone in the entire universe: tight jeans only look good on thin people.
"They should call this show Australian Thigh-dol," suggests Raoul.
- The level of intelligence of Kate's supporters is revealed when two fans in the audience are spotted waving a sign reading "KATE IS GRATE".
She really is.
- Dicko says Kate used to look like an extra off McLeod's Daughters and now looks like she's come to tarmac the front drive. I cannot improve upon this comment. Marcia - who I might just say is looking SMOKING HOT tonight for the first time in a long time...
Get on wit yo bad self! I give you props on the bridge, girlfriend.
...says TV doesn't lie. FOR YEA, TV IS THE CORNERSTONE OF INTEGRITY AND THE BASTION OF HONESTY, AND IT ALWAYS TELLS THE TRUTH.
Except when it comes to Bert Newton's hair. Then it lies. Big time.
- Jay Dee says he likes smart arses. Or smart artists, I can't remember which. No word on if he likes flat butts or not. He's momentarily disracted by someone spontaneously combusting in the audience behind him, but pulls himself together enough to say "flatlined" again.
- Ken Doll asks Kate how she feels about missing her hat and she says "I feel naked, it's like clothes!"
Er, Kate - a hat IS clothes.
Dicko challenges Kate to wear a dress, and Kate says she will when Ken Doll does.
"Kate would wear a dress if she had somewhere to tuck her balls," spits Raoul. Maybe she could keep them in her hat?
Moving right along to JAMES, who is trying to shake off his "nice guy" image by wearing a T Shirt that basically screams "Fuck you Australia".
Yep, that'll do it.
But who exactly is that? Pete Doherty? John Lennon? Phil Jamieson? Maybe it's Bob Dylan, giving James the finger for daring to wear that T shirt the other week.
"Has he got midget disease or what?" scoffs Raoul in between mouthfuls of banana. I assure him there is no such thing as midget disease and no, he can't catch it from a toilet seat.
Because midgets use super small toilets the rest of us avoid.
In a nutshell:
- James borrows the official Idol stool TM to sing Who Knew, which was voted the Best Song to Sing in One's Car in my 2006 survey of myself. Of course, the very presence of the stool means James has to start off slowly and meaningfully - this is because the Idol stool has a powerful magnetic field surrounding it that places extra gravitational pull on anything within a five metre radius.
- The audience, which has clearly strolled in from a late taping of Kerri-Anne next door by mistake, starts clapping along. Dear god, make it stop.
- Finally James takes off his iron belt buckle to overcome the stool's powerful gravitational pull and languidly strolls towards the front of the stage where he stands and sings slightly less weakly. It's safe to say the most emotion in James' performance is coming from the angry guy on the front of his T shirt.
- Marcia says he built it well. Maybe he got some help from Scott the brickie. Jay Dee says he wants to watch him grow.
"This guy's not going to grow, he's got midget disease," blurts Raoul.
- Dicko says the performance lacked adult emotion, desperation, anger and edge. DIDN'T YOU SEE HIS T SHIRT, DICKO? Then he describes it as "daytime", a new term I encourage everyone to use at least once this week in normal life, ie:
"Did you see Idol last night? It was so daytime!"
"Wow, the nightlife in this city is so daytime!"
"I would really enjoy punching him in the face," says Raoul.
And from there we roll on into KIM "I hate the 80s" Cooper who says she loves Pink because she "connects with her angst". While she's pouring her heart out about her troubled childhood and adolescence, Raoul and I have a spirited debate about whether she's sexy or not. I say yes, he says no. A text message from my sister reveals the sentiment is echoed at her house - she says yes, husband says no. Initial research would seem to suggest that Kim is one of that rare breed of women who are attractive only to women - like Anne Hathaway, Reese Witherspoon and any model who's not Megan Gale or Miranda Kerr.
Kim continues the evening's tradition of singing all of Pink's lamest, slowest songs from a stool and chooses Family Portrait, her whinge song about her parents' divorce. Jeez Pink, what will you write about next - the day your dog ran away? The time you were teased at school? Overall though it's a pretty good performance - Kim looks good, she sounds good and goodness she has great teeth. Sadly her ripped pants make her look like she's been attacked by a cheese grater - or possibly some of Kate's more alphabetically-challenged fans.
Jay Dee says he got off a plane from Las Vegas 24 hours ago and didn't think he could be anymore surprised. No word on what amazing surprises he found in Vegas - I'm not sure we want to know. Dicko says it was fantastic and Marcia says she admires her conviction. Exactly what Kim has been convicted of is not revealed, but I'm hoping it has something to do with what happened to Jay Dee in Las Vegas.
Next up in the cavalcade of stars is TOBY "nanna bait" Moulton with Please Don't Leave Me. But first we're treated to a montage of shots of him strolling through green fields with his guitar strapped to his back, staring wistfully into the distance like some kind of sexy wandering minstrel who travels through country towns offering lonely farm widows a song and a smile and maybe a spot of shirtless wood chopping in exchange for a slice of pie and a warm bed for the night, except when night falls and the embers in the fireplace die down low he gives them more than just a sweet song on his guitar...
In a nutshell:
- "I can be so mean when I wanna be, I can cut you into pieces," he sings, attempting a snarl, but we don't really believe him. "I cannot be without you,you're my perfect little punching bag," he continues. Er... OK Toby, we believe you. Just don't hurt us.
- You know how people say you should imagine the audience in their underwear to calm your nerves on stage? I think Toby imagines the audience as a bunch of seven year olds, which explains why he just wanders from one corner to the other staring at people when he sings. In his head he's actually thinking "Keisha, stop pulling Michael's hair! I before E except after C. Matthew put that down!"
- Adding to the trend of weird signs in the audience are a couple of Toby fans holding up a poster saying "GO TOBY ONION BOY!"
"It's because he stinks!" says Raoul.
"It's because he makes you cry," I counter. Maybe he's just good in salad?
- Dicko says the violent lyrics made Toby sound like a serial killer, and warns him not to turn into Ted Bundy.
"BUNDY? WHERE?" shrieks Kate from backstage who comes running with a 2L bottle of Coke and a tumbler.
- Marcia says Toby could have changed the lyrics if he wanted to. Great idea! Maybe instead of:
I am capable of really anything
I could cut you into pieces
Maybe he could have sung:
I can bake really anything
I could cut you a piece of cake
Yeah! That totally works. And instead of:
I cannot be without you
You're my perfect little punching bag
He could have sung:
I cannot be with you
I want to snuggle with you on a bean bag
Jay Dee says something superfluous, but looks remarkably like he's made of plasticene.
Finally bringing it on home is Idol's very own Pink impersonator, HAYLEY with Funhouse.
In a nutshell:
- Guess what she's wearing? No really, guess. You'll be totally surprised, I promise. BLACK JEANS, A T SHIRT AND A BLACK JACKET. Hayley has really pushed the fashion envelope this season - especially that one week she wore WHITE JEANS and a BLACK T SHIRT. Genius.
- As predicted, Hayley totally nails the song. This is rather helped by the fact that she sounds exactly like Pink, although the impression is somewhat let down by her dancing, which is more demented than Scott's on 80s night. Still, if you put her in a trapeze above the stage and stuck sequinned bandaids on her boobs no one would know the difference. If she doesn't win this competition expect to see her ads in the Yellow Pages for "LIGHT RED - Australia's premier Pink impersonator, ready to hire for your next party or function".
- She gets a half arsed standing ovation (a crouching ovation?) that the judges cruelly don't join in on. A dyslexic web nerd holds up a sign saying "HAYLEY FTW".
- Jay Dee says he knows the people who wrote that song personally. I think we can all deduce from this comment that JAY DEE IS WAY COOL. Then he says "don't do drums", a sentiment which I think should be at the centre of the next Federal Government youth health campaign.
If only someone had told Amy Winehouse sooner.
- Dicko says he wants to swear, but instead says Hayley is "Very MMMM-MMM good." Suddenly I feel like I'm six years old, and the grown ups are talking to each other in code.
- Dicko finishes off by revealing his mafia connections, exclaiming "I need to work out who I can make disappear so you and I can run off and make loads of money!" Note to Hayley's parents - invest in some security.
There you have it, kids. To quote the last drag queen on Oxford St after Mardi Gras: this big Pink party is over.
What amazing, exciting, modern theme can we expect to see our Idols tackling next week? New wave? Electro? Disco punk?
"Up next week - BIG BAND NIGHT!" shouts Ken Doll.
Given I predict Kate to go every single week and she's never so much as hit the bottom three, I will instead go for Scott. Pity - I'd like to see ol' Shark Eyes attempt ol' Blue Eyes.