Monday, October 12, 2009

Australian Idol 09 Wrap Up: The Final 7 - Big Band Night

In the words of Ken Doll: tonight is going to be big, it's going to be loud...


No, it's not Casey Donovan night...


...IT'S BIG BAND NIGHT! What better way to rope in that crucial 13 to 25 demographic than with a heap of old fogey music that only mums and dads listen to?

I know, how about bringing in a MASSIVE STAR - HARRY CONNICK JR!


"Harry Potter who?"


Look kids, he was big in the 90s, OK? And for the record - Mr Jr is looking so hot right now, despite being the ripe old age of 42. At any rate, this should be fun - the last time Harry Connick Jr was asked to be a talent judge on Australian TV everything went fine, didn't it?

Not looking quite as hot - in fact, looking rather a lot like Mr Sheen - is James Morrison, who has kindly elected to blow his trumpet on stage tonight and, as we shall find out later, give some of THE BEST CRITIQUES IDOL HAS EVER SEEN. Can we replace Jay Dee with Jay Em?

And after poncing about on stage for five minutes to I Just Whispered Your Name with the other Idolites, Ol' Shark Eyes aka SCOTT Newnham is booted off the show, thanks to the voting public finally realising that Australia needs bricks laid more than it does another shitty R&B record.

Ken Doll introduces Mr Sexbomb Jr and asks him what advice he can give to the Idolites.


Maybe avoid doing any Al Jolson numbers for a start...


First on the block tonight is KATE, who's extra pumped about performing because she misheard the producers and thinks it's actually "Big Hat" night.

Kate describes singing in front of a big band as like being "in front of a Mack truck pushing you down the road". Hmm. Can that be arranged?

Kate takes Ray Charles' Hit the Road Jack and force feeds it Valium, then whomps it on the head and drags it around the stage a few times for what feels like AN ETERNITY. I'm just about to pass out from boredom when she runs over to the band, waves her arms around in the air and shouts something like "AHHHANGONAMINUDDISTOOSLOWSSTOOSLOWSPEEDIDUPABIDWOULDYA", prompting everyone to take a hit of meth and resume the song at 20 times the speed. The result sounds like a 1980s boombox chewing up your mum's favourite Motown tape.


"Even I can see this chick won't win!"


Then she finishes with a resounding "GO ARN MATE, GET OUTTA HERE!", which is how I imagine Steve Irwin would have done it had he been a Ray Charles impersonator instead of a wildlife warrior. It's all very Rooty Hill RSL - here's hoping there'll be a chook raffle later.

Dicko says she kept it in her own area, Marcia congratulates the band and Harry says "I'd pay a lot of money to see that" but forgets to finish his sentence with "go far, far away and never come back". Jay Dee, who tonight is dressed by the good people at GLAD...


He's Super Tuff!


...says "keep doing it". Let's count how many times he says something similar tonight, shall we?

Next up is STAN, who proves he is indeed "the man" by electing to sing Beyonce's Single Ladies.

On big band night.


HALLELUJAH!


Truly Stan, you are a genius. This is definitely in keeping with my "everybody needs to do more Beyonce" call of Week One.

Right about now it's time for my weekly reminder of this:


I CALLED THIS DURING AUDITIONS, PEOPLE.


In a nutshell:

  • Stan sings Beyonce on Big Band Night. This makes Stan the winner of the world.


  • "If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it," spits Stan, before popping his hip and slapping his own butt. STAN = WINNER.


  • Even Harry is hypnotised by Stan's awesomeness:


    Woh-oh-ohhh.


  • Stan heads out into the audience and sings at a few people who immediately spontaneously combust in the face of such bodaciousness, then does some amazing wobbly leg dancing and some fairly ordinary scatting, gets back on stage and finishes with some fabbo Beyoncified moves. OUT-STAN-DING. I officially put a ring on Stan.


  • The crowd goes mental. Marcia says something... Actually, I have no idea what. Honestly, I tried to summarise it in a sentence and I drew a blank. Who knows what she said. But she liked it. The Connick reminds everyone for the 500th time that he's from New Orleans by saying something about New Orleans, Jay Dee manages to simultaneously compliment Stan and make everyone feel slightly dirty by sluring something about eating ice cream at midnight, and Dicko uses my most hated cheap gag ever by saying "A little bit of wee came out when you did that". CAN WE ALL STOP USING THE "A LITTLE BIT OF WEE CAME OUT" JOKE PLEASE? IT IS NOT FUNNY, IT IS JUST GROSS, AND IT REMINDS ME OF CAL WILSON. AND NO ONE NEEDS TO BE REMINDED OF CAL WILSON. Then again, Dicko follows that statement up with asking Stan to "do it in his undies" so maybe it wasn't actually a joke.


    It was a slippery slope from Jenny Craig down...


Next up is little KIM.


Sadly for Raoul, not THIS Lil Kim.


From the looks of the rehearsal footage, Kim seemingly kicked off her session with James Morrison by grabbing the side of her head and shouting "SHUT UP!", which is quite coincidental as that's the exact same reaction I have whenever Kim comes on screen.

She's chosen The Man I Love and sings it the way everyone on the face of the earth knows it to be sung, which apparently is WRONG and if you sing it like that JAMES MORRISON WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND BEAT YOU OVER THE HEAD WITH HIS TRUMPET. But instead of smashing Kim over the head with a brass instrument he just tut-tuts and craps on about reading the sheet music and learning the melody and how Kim won't accept criticism and she's tense and defiant AND A LITTLE SO-AND-SO UPSTART WHO WOULDN'T KNOW JAZZ IF IT CRAWLED UP HER NOSE AND FARTED ON HER BRAIN.

And from that inglorious intro we segue into Kim's performance. She looks absolutely luscious in a little black and white frock, diamond drop earrings and a sweet 20s water wave bob but it's like Morrison's put the kaibosh on her - she's flat and out of tune, and bounces between sounding tired and shouty. It's not a good mix.

The Connick says Kim did an OK job, especially considering she's only 21 and it's really hard to sing big band at 21 and... oh hang on...


"That's right, I was 21 when I made this best selling soundtrack album! Silly me, I forgot."


"Ella Fitzgerald, Nina Simone... Kim Cooper. Hmm," says Jay Dee helpfully, presumably to remind everyone that Kim is not yet a mega famous internationally respected jazz singer who is also dead.

"Do you want to be a singer or do you want to be a celebrity?" he continues, in what might be the first HANG ON - WTF? moment of the 2009 Idol season.


GASP!


"For one I'm really offended that you would even ask me that, I'm here to be an artist," snaps Kim, putting the smackdown on Jay Dee.

"When you turned up to the auditions six months ago did you turn up to sing? Because I heard you'd turned up to bring one of your friends along," counters Jay Dee.


GASP.


"I've always wanted to be an artist, I've never been in doubt about that," Kim snaps back.

"Well you pulled off a performance, so you know, keep getting there," slags Jay Dee.

"That's fine, Jay Dee," snaps Kim.


This girl's face says it all, really.


WTF just went on there? That was more like some weird lovers' tiff than a performance critique. Best move on to Dicko Depends - he says she looks sizzling but the vocals were dreary. Oh dear. Poor little Kimmy Cooper. Never mind, Marcia will say something nice and/or indecipherable, that'll fix it.

"You had some terrible pitch problems tonight," she says.


Sigh.


Ken Doll whips out a copy of Marcia's new self help book and reads a paragraph about loving yourself WITHOUT A SINGLE HINT OF IRONY. What the hell is going on around here?


True dat.


Moving right along to JAMES aka Mini Zoolander aka Ben Stiller who shrunk in the wash, who's chosen to do that completely original and totally not overdone standard, Fever.

"I've chosen this song because I want to show Dicko that I'm not just a little kid, I'm a... I'm a... a MAN," says James, although it's hard to hear him with his voice cracking like that.


"If I had a girlfriend she'd kill me!"


"He's determined to get away from that image of the kid and being a cutie and you know, OK, that's his call," scoffs Morrison, and you can almost hear him choking on his own derision.

Then he advises James to think of a hot girl in a bikini while he sings - James suggests Miranda Kerr. Oh dear, I hope he's not wearing those tight pants again this week or things could get even more awkward than that Jay Dee/Kim face off.

In a nutshell:

  • James goes Bond, walking on in silhouette snapping his fingers. You half expect Shirley Bassey to start wailing while Miranda Kerr actually walks out in a gold bikini toting a pistol. It's... it's kinda hot, actually.


  • Despite looking approximately eight years old, James is completely convincing as a swing king - the suit looks great, his voice has the right amount of croon, and the whole thing is way more cool than anyone could have expected. Close your eyes and you could be listening to someone twice his age. ONYA JAMES, I NEVER KNEW YOU HAD IT IN YOU.


  • Could I be starting to LIKE James? Humph.


  • Jay Dee says he looks like a James Bond action figure, Dicko calls him "Baby Buble", Marcia says "get on wit your bad little self" and The Connick tries to throw a chair at him. Overall, a good reaction.


Moving along to HAYLEY who is attempting to out-awesome Stan tonight with a Big Band version of Tainted Love.


THERE'S SO MUCH AWESOMENESS TONIGHT MY HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODE.


"I was a bit intimidated because there were like, 30 people with massive instruments just staring at me," she says at her first rehearsal.


Funnily enough, the star of this movie said EXACTLY the same thing on day one of filming.


In a nutshell:

  • Hayley has obviously joined Black Jacket, White T Shirt and Tight Black Jeans Anonymous (BJWTSATBJA) as she's ditched the black jacket for a fetching maroon one (who am I kidding, maroon is never fetching). She's clearly only up to step one of the 12 step program though, as she's still wearing a white T shirt and tight black jeans. Baby steps Hayley, baby steps.


  • Actually Hayley, I take it all back. Go back to the black jacket. This one makes you look like a valet.


    Hayley Valet isn't a bad stage name, actually.


  • Hayley proves her mastery of tenses leaves something to be desired, singing "Once I run to you, now I run from you". It's RAN, Hayley. RAN.


  • In a feat many thought impossible, Hayley manages to sing the whole of Tainted Love without once singing the chorus. You know, the bit that goes "tainted love, woah-oh tainted love, oh-oh tainted love..." It's the hook. Otherwise known as "the best bit of the whole song", "the bit that everyone loves" and "how can you possibly sing Tainted Love without singing the fucking chorus, are you serious, what's wrong with you?"


  • Ughhh this is ACTUALLY frustrating to listen to. Every time she gets close to the chorus she stops and sings something else, or goes over to the band and starts clicking her fingers. "SING THE FUCKING CHORUS!" Raoul and I shriek as we start climbing the walls in desperation.


  • Dicko says the arrangement didn't really work because she lost some of the hooks. YOU THINK? Marcia says on the planet she was sitting on, Hayley's performance was slamming. Also on her planet, the fountains run with tea and kittens come in vending machines. The Connick says Hayley looked desperate and betrayed. So... that's positive... I guess. Dicko makes a joke about Hey, Hey It's Saturday, The Connick looks uncomfortable on Australian television for the second time in a week, and we move on to Jay Dee who criticises her coat. Thanks for coming, Jay Dee.


Next up is NATHAN "Gaythan" Brake, who should take to Big Band like a drag queen to chicken fillets and sparkly eyeshadow. He's doing It Don't Mean a Thing If it Ain't Got that Swing. Hmm. I kind of hate this song. But I kind of love Nathan, so it should even out.

Without further ado, the nutshell:

  • He starts with his now patented intense-stare-with-slight-lip-curl-and-squint that he introduced last week. It's quite effective. Dean Geyer, you have taught this grasshopper well.


  • Nathan sounds awesome, apart from when he's going "doo-wa-doo-wa-doo-wa-doo-wa". Unfortunately, he has to do that every third line.


  • On the plus side, he swooshes about the stage like a pro and his thighs look much less womanly in a suit. The whole thing is kind of like Glee meets Michael Buble crossed with a dash of Liza Minelli and a twist of "FAAAABULOUS DAHLING".


  • Marcia calls him "boyfriend", The Connick says it was awful (he might have corrected this afterwards but I probably missed that) and Dicko cals it "performance of the night". Jay Dee tells him to cut his hair, to which Nathan replies "YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE ANY."


    Is it just me, or is there a touch of Ja'ime about Nathan?


And it's on to our final performer for the night, TOBY with a really fresh, cool song that isn't at all tainted by the booze-soaked memories of the thousands of bad karaoke singers that have come before - My Way.


This is generally what you think of when anyone other than Frank Sinatra proposes to sing My Way.


Apparently this song is a big deal for Toby, because he's been doubting himself lately and wondering which path to take, and the pressure of Idol has been getting to him and OH JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND SING THE KARAOKE SONG, WOULD YOU?

If you missed Toby's performance, just remember the last time your drunk workmate sang it at three o'clock in the morning that time after one too many pints and a bitch about the boss. It's just like that. Except (and I'm making assumptions about your workmate here, but) Toby is better looking.

The Connick says Toby looks like James Bond and did a fantastic job. Jay Dee said "vocally, you sang that". Thanks, Jay Dee. Dicko says Toby sang it like an introverted school teacher. THAT'LL SELL RECORDS: INTROVERTED SCHOOL TEACHER SINGS THE HITS! Marcia says the band was "fantastically outstanding" and Toby's suit is sharp, but neglects to say anything about Toby's actual performance. Oh well. Then Toby reveals that his housemates have moved all his stuff out of his house and he's basically homeless, to which everyone laughs. HA HA, TOBY'S HOMELESS! HE DID IT HIS WAY!

Then The Connick sings a song, everyone holds hands and smiles and the show is finally over. Thank god. How can there be fewer and fewer people every week and yet it seems to run longer and longer...

And just when you thought Idol couldn't get any gayer, Ken Doll announces Liza Minelli is guest judge next week.


"OH MY GOD NATHAN AND LIZA IN THE ONE SHOW??!"


See you then, biatches. I reckon it's Kim and Toby on the chopping block next week - but I haven't predicted one loser yet, so don't listen to me.



12 comments :

  1. Sorry, disagree on Toby. He NAILED it, and I have absolutely NO doubt at all that if Holden were there, he would have received a touchdown. Toby was definitely the top performer of the night. Also, sorry, but Stan once again, flopped. Seriously, how is he still there? It has to be the religious vote, it really does. He lacks the vocal range of others and really should have gone a long time ago. He is terrible! Toby/Hayley final, with Toby to win hopefully.

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  2. I just have to say your blog is FABULOUS!! thanks for another great review :)

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  3. Anonymous..... really? You seriously think Mr Warble-Through-Each-Song is the best idol this year?
    I think if you took any one of his songs, copied it each week he sings, you'd get the same result. All his songs are identical, and when they arent, he ends up making them sound identical... BORING!
    I still think Stan is a good chance to win, but that dancing was HORRID!

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  4. Now we can all get some sleep

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  5. Your review is the highlight of my week. How sad is that ?!

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  6. PetStarr - so glad someone else thought Toby's performance had the same effect as taking mogadon. He has to go. Also the I thought Jay Dee was so out of line with Kim Cooper. Sure she doesn't have the stongest voice, but if you are going to ask do you want to be a celebrity or an artist, ask all the contestants not just the very attractive one.

    I thought Kim was the winner in that lovers tiff.

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  7. Every time I get mad at the idol judges for not pointing out how bad they were, my boyfriend points out to me that this is the first time we really dont care who wins idol at all.

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  8. "Dicko Depends."
    BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! My favourite part of the whole blog. :D

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  9. Do wa do wa do wa - I seriously could not stop laughing at that

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  10. Brilliant as always. You're blogs make this crapraprap show worth while this year. You have much more snark that anyone over TWOP. That place is meh to me now.

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  11. La Minelli's meta-advice to idols: "So, if you were shitting in a theatre chair, what would you want to see?" Hmmm. Tough question. I think we all need PetStarr's advice on that one.

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  12. all you people who hate nathan and stan are just jealous. nathan and stan are the only good singers in the whole competition and should be final 2. anyone else (i.e. hayley and james) is crap.

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