Greetings, Idolites and BC fans - I come to you from the land of the long, white steam cloud, otherwise known as Adelaide in a heatwave. In November.
Yes, it's EFFING hot here right now. It's hotter than James singing Hot in the City, Buble style. It's hotter than Scott's tattoo sleeve. It's hotter than Satan in an alpaca jumper sitting on an oil heater in the Simpson Desert. While on fire.
It's about this hot here right now.
But even Adelaide's searing 43 degree heat is no match for the opening performance by our final three - a finely tuned bit of MEDLEY MAYHEM combining Europe's Final Countdown with what they obviously assume are their best songs to date, ie: Purple Rain, Crazy and Somebody Told Me. Somebody told ME Hayley and James were wrong about that...
The performance really heats up when James jumps up on a ledge behind the judges and starts shrieking "I THINK I'M CRAAAAAZY!"
"Geez, I'd love to see him fall off there," says Raoul.
In celebration of reaching the top three, James and Stan have come dressed as each other tonight, but have helpfully chosen different coloured shirts so we can tell them apart.
Also - Stan is the talented one.
In a surprise akin to eating a packet of chicken flavoured chips and finding they taste nothing like chicken, STAN is voted the first person through to the final. He says something like "Praise god ay yeah" in his usual articulate way.
"Please fucking get rid of James," pleads Raoul, in HIS usual, articulate way.
Drum roll - and our second finalist is... HAYLEY. Raoul erupts with joy.
"SEE YOU LATER YOU LITTLE PUFFED-UP SLEEVES, ABOUT TIME!" he shouts. As a reminder: Raoul likes to pretend he doesn't like this show.
"Woah, I was packing it before, I thought I was going home," Hayley says.
"You are, next week," scoffs Raoul, who has by now set up his tent in the pro-Stan camp and is already roasting marshmallows and unrolling his sleeping bag.
Meanwhile, over at the judge's desk, Marcia looks like she just hopped off the Starship Enterprise:
SING LONG AND PROSPER.
Actually, hang on - IS SHE A KLINGON?
Spot the difference.
I swear to GOD if that woman doesn't have her own float in next year's Mardi Gras, I'll lose faith in the entire gay community.
Let's move on to our special guest judge which tonight is swing king Michael Buble. Either that, or someone's accidentally poured a bucket of water on James and reconstituted him to his full form.
Meanwhile, Britney Spears is still absent, having declined an invitation to be guest judge due to the logistics of lip synching live commentary.
OK so we're all set up - we have our final two, we have our guest judge, we've gotten rid of the short annoying one and now it's time to SING! Anyone have any idea how to fill two hours of show with just two performers?
It's a book! No, a movie! Two syllables? TITANIC! Oh, wait...
Fortunately we won't have to resort to charades with Jay Dee and Ken Doll, as Stan and Hayley are going to sing THREE SONGS EACH. Hmm, on second thoughts - can I have another stab at that movie title?
Too late - it's on to STAN for our first performance of the night. But first, time for some QUOTE-A-RAMA with Mr Micky Bubble:
"I didn't like Stan very much, he has a ridiculous voice."
"God kissed Stan's throat."
"When he sang, I wanted to kick him a little bit."
Buble is so excited you get the impression he'd pash Stan if he could - and if God would only get his tongue out of his throat first.
Stan's chosen to sing How Can You Mend a Broken Heart, otherwise known as How Can You Bore an Audience to Tears. The answer = like this.
"How can you stop the rain from falling down?" he sings.
Move to South Australia.
Dicko clearly has nothing interesting left to say about Stan anymore, so turns his critique into a lame interview instead. Meanwhile, Marcia hears the engines starting up on the Enterprise, grabs Buble and runs off stage so as not to miss the ride back to her home planet. Jay Dee says something about texting a hitman, which may or may not be at the root of his plan to keep Kyle Sandilands off TV forever. Everyone holds hands, pashes each other and says how much they want to have Stan's babies. Then they set up their tents next to Raoul's and start telling ghost stories around the fire.
Next up is HAYLEY, with Sneaky Sound System's UFO.
OMG - has Hayley actually chosen a good song?
"I saw a UFO and nobody believes me," she sings.
"I believe you."
Marcia continues the theme of not actually saying anything of note by saying "congratulations". Buble says Hayley is infectious - maybe she was pashed by God too? Dicko says she's not too cool for school. Jay Dee says she's out of this world.
"There are more worlds than you could possibly know about, Mr Springbett."
Back over to STAN, who's either a) outing himself as a transexual on live television or b) really testing the boundaries of Idol's PG rating by singing about his black box. Or a black box. I'm not sure which, but it'll be his single if he wins, so if you plan on listening to commercial radio at any point in the next three months you should probably get used to it.
"There's a little black box somewhere in the ocean, holding all the truth about us," he sings, sounding a bit like Coldplay would if Usher got them drunk and then did unspeakable things to them in a cheap hotel room.
The song lends itself nicely to a dance remix that will no doubt be included on the next R&B Superclub compilation, sandwiched bweteen Sexy Bitch and Shake Dat Booty. It also smacks of "summer TV promo" - so expect to see Ten promoting all its shitty imported American TV fails with it this December.
For the record, I'd like to say that the only songs I want to hear Stan record are by Al Green, Marvin Gaye and HIMSELF, if this Youtube video is any indication of his song writing ability:
Buble goes on some more about how great Stan is. I try to listen to what he has to say, but I'm momentarily distracted by the skirting board. Jay Dee takes one look at Stan and says he wants his T shirt back.
This is how Jay Dee keeps track of his T Shirts - by screenprinting a giant picture of his face onto them.
Dicko says it's awesome. Marcia says - ah who cares, no one's saying anything interesting anymore.
Time for some filler? YOU BET. Let's check out all the Idols you've long forgotten about going to Maccers for McHappy day, where C grade celebrities sell burgers for a day in order to remind us all they still exist. Or actually, are they all at KFC? I think the answer is WHO THE FUCK CARES.
Back over to HAYLEY with For Once in My Life. OMG, THAT MEANS...
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S ONLY UP TO FOUR.
To be perfectly frank - IT IS LAME. Cruise ship lame. Maths jokes lame. CIRQUE DU SO LAME. It is so bad, she can't even get the crowd interested in clapping along.
"You're a talented girl... you're a nice girl..." says Buble, who is clearly ITCHING to finish the sentence with "but you're not as good as Stan".
Jay Dee says he's "mesmerised by her versatility", which I think is record label exec speak for "lame". Dicko says he listened to it "with my ears in" - AND IT WAS STILL LAME. No word on where his ears were earlier in the show.
Perhaps under Marcia's shoulder pads.
Marcia receives a transmission from the mothership and tries to translate it on the fly for the English speaking audience - it comes out something like "You should have sung the song to yourself because I saw the light in your eyes and it went damn."
"bIjatlh 'e' yImev."
Back over to STAN in this NEVER ENDING VOLLEY OF CRAP POP SONGS - thank the lord he's opted to bring us some more Beyonce, sweet, sweet Beyonce, with Sweet Dreams. And another hoodie. I thoroughly approve of one of these things. He takes Beyonce for a spin around the islands and Maoris her up a bit, chucking in a bit of a haka half way through. I APPROVE.
"This could be a sweet dream, or a beautiful KA MATE KA MATE KA ORA!"
"You do come from a culture where masculinity is prized," says Dicko, distinguishing Stan from all those other cultures that don't prize men...
...all of which you can see clearly identified on this globe.
Marcia says it was bad. But bad meaning good, like the Michael Jackson way.
Not bad meaning bad, like the Nikki Webster way.
"I always felt I was a heterosexual guy, but I feel all fuzzy when you dance like that," says Buble. Wait until he finds out about his black box.
Jay Dee continues this ENTIRE SEASON'S overarching theme of lame homosexual-themed comedy by complaining Stan's nipple kept falling out. How did I miss that? More importantly, how did the cameras miss that?
Never mind, it's back over to HAYLEY for what feels like the 53rd performance of the evening with her winner's single, Good Day. It's what Pink would sound like if Kelly Clarkson slipped a roophy into her beer and dressed her up in a cocktail dress and pink stilettoes while she was unconscious. It's pretty good.
"This'd be a GOOOOOD DAY to let you down," she sings.
Meanwhile, Raoul decides it's a good day to go watch The Wire in the other room. Quitter.
After a few more choruses and approximately 723 repetitions of the line "it's a goooood daaaaaay", I decide it'd be a good day for Hayley to stop singing - this song has suddenly gotten extremely irritating.
Marcia says Hayley has a distinctive voice, an observation that has been made about 357,002 times tonight. Buble makes the audience cheer for no apparent reason, Jay Dee congratulates some bloke called Ross, and Dicko says the song is so good he's going to illegally download it, rather than pay the 99c it will no doubt eventually be on iTunes.
Before we get to Stan's final song we're forced to sit through an unusually morbid montage in which he mentions something about being abused, having no hope or purpose, and crying himself to sleep.
"As Stan takes the stage at the Sydney Opera House next week he's proved one thing - no matter how dark life can get, there is always hope," says Ken Doll.
Me right now.
Then Stan ruins it all by singing a Luther Vandross song. Oh well, it couldn't last anyway.
Buble asks Stan's parents if it's weird that people will soon be making love to their son's voice in the shower. Then he asks if they'd find it weird if he made love to their son in the shower. They would.
Jay Dee says win or lose, Stan's won. Or lost. Then he says he's ridiculous. Dicko says some load of crap, I dunno - is this nearly over? Marcia thanks the Australian public and then starts thanking the band and crew for all their hard work, having clearly forgotten that Hayley still has a song left to sing.
The audience starts to file out and Jean the Channel Ten cleaning lady moves on to the stage with her mop and bucket before someone reminds her that Hayley hasn't sung her final song yet. Everyone sighs and sits down again.
HAYLEY finally comes up and wraps up the night with another pop gem, Rihanna's Don't Stop the Music. It's fair to say she's chosen the better songs tonight. The fact that she's singing them all fairly badly is secondary. I also thoroughly approve of her new jacket, which looks like what you'd get if a piano mated with a tuxedo.
She is still dancing like an absolute mong though. Bless.
"I thought sitting next to the sexiest guy in the room is why this guy was on fire tonight," he says cryptically. I have no idea what he's talking about but the fact that he can acknowledge anyone other than himself as being sexy is in itself, astounding.
Dicko says he's not irrelevant. Not until next year anyway. Marcia helpfully points out that Hayley is a chick. THANKS MARCIA. Buble says she's a nice humble kid, and then adds "but Stan is way more awesome" under his breath.
AND OH MY GOD, THATS IT. IT'S ALL OVER. Well, until next week's grand finale - otherwise known as TWO HOURS OF FILLER featuring celebrities with not very expensive hire fees and past Idol contestants you no longer care about.
BUT WHO WILL WIN?