Well, people - I've got my limited edition Guy Sebastian Idol mug at the ready, my limited edition Daniel Mifsud Idol scarf round my neck and my limited edition Lisa Mitchell Idol ballet flats on my feet, and I'M READY TO LIVEBLOG.
Raoul and I here in Idol HQ will be running a live commentary on this glittering night of nights, and updating this entry every few minutes. All you have to do is keep refreshing this page! Let's just pray to the server gods that I won't exceed my bandwidth, or anything boring like that.
So as the clock ticks down, and Ruby Rose and her tattoos attempt to do something entertaining for once on the Your Generation Xmas special, we wait...
7.34pm: And wait...
7.35pm: Good, everything appears to be working so far. ISN'T LIVEBLOGGING FUN?
7.37pm: Ooh goody, it's started - with the obligatory montage of Stan and Hayley, our illustrious final two, as well as a montage of past Idol finalists you seriously can't remember. SOON, FOOTAGE OF ONE OF THESE PEOPLE WILL BE ADDED TO THAT MONTAGE FOR NEXT YEAR.
7.39pm: Next up - a performance from the choir of teens not good enough to make it into the top 100. Give them a hand!
7.40pm: Now a bunch of random audience members has stormed the stage! SECURITY, STOP THEM! Oh wait, it's the other finalists. You know, the ones you decided you didn't like weeks ago. So sit back and enjoy this performance by singers the whole country said they didn't like.
7.41pm: COUSIN IT CAN PLAY GUITAR! This is a real win for the Addams Family. Maybe they could start a band? The Partridge family did it.
7.42pm: Petstarr - "This song is terrible." Raoul: "This SHOW is terrible."
7.43pm: "This is major pants," says Raoul, before launching into a verion of "This is ground control to major pants...". Speaking of which, I'm rather impressed that Hayley has come dressed as David Bowie tonight. SALUTE YOUR ROCK ELDERS.
7.44pm: Meanwhile, Stan has come as a FULL ON NEW ZEALANDER. "Oh moy gourd thus us wucked men!"
7.45pm: OH MY GOD MARCIA WHAT THE HELL?
7.46pm: OK, now I've composed myself slightly I THINK I can work out what happened to Marcia's outfit - she was rushing to the Opera House from a bit of late Sunday shopping at Bunnings when she accidentally fell over an errant broomstick in the string aisle, and got caught up in a roll of twine. That can be the only explanation.
7.48pm: Hmm. I'm not going to be able to put up any photos tonight, am I? Bugger.
7.49pm: I might take this adbreak as an opportunity to say - if you're sitting here pressing F5, please leave me comments! I'd like to think I'm not all alone here. Also - if you can come up with a better explanation for Marcia's outfit, I'd like to hear it.
7.51pm: Michael Buble takes out his little book of Swing King Cliches, turns to chapter 11 - "Old school swing songs that 'the kids' still seem to love" and starts singing Feeling Good. It should be pointed out that he is LOOKING good, however. Mmm, Buble.
7.52pm: And here comes Hayley to ruin it even more. Sigh. Fortunately I am distracted by the glare from the shine on her bowling shoes which she has specially rented for the night.
7.54pm: Apparently it's a heatwave in Sydney right now. To this I say SUCKED IN. Now, where's my beanie and mug of hot tea? Mmm that's better.
7.56pm: "VOTE CLOSE COUNTDOWN - 73 million hours". At least, that's how I read it.
7.57pm: Another ad break. Didn't we have the last one about 32 seconds ago? This is going to be a long night. In other news - thanks for the comments! They are bolstering my spirits. I feel like a digger in the trenches receiving telegrams from home. OK, so it's not quite that bad - but Hayley hasn't sung her single yet so, you know..
8.00pm: OMG KYLE CAN SING NOW? Oh wait, that's Wes Carr.
8.01pm: OK... Wes Carr is singing Beat It...
8.02pm: With Ian Moss.
"Oh Wes, why did you have to sully my memory?"
8.04pm: "There's one Carr I'd be happy to trade in," quips Raoul, who has recently taken to dad jokes.
8.05pm: OK, I will admit that that performance really wasn't that bad. And not just because Wes Carr is a fellow South Aussie. But honestly Wes - THE HAT? ISN'T IT TIME TO LOSE THE HAT?
8.06pm: Time for some Where's Wally with Ricki Lee in the crowd. Fortunately, the kids have made a small ring around her - or maybe she's just forgotten to wear her Rexona tonight.
"Rip her top off!" shrieks Raoul.
8.07pm: "Let's take a look at your final two and how they've made it here to the grand final!" says Ricki Lee. Oh good, yes, let's have ANOTHER FUCKING MONTAGE.
8.08pm: Oh god... Sabrina is singing When Love Takes Over again. OH GOD NO, NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
8.09pm: WHO TOLD THESE GIRLS THEY COULD SING THIS SONG? WHO? I WANT NAMES!
8.10pm: Kate the cowgirl comes on in her trademark hat and ill fitting jeans with a dance beat backing - the overall effect is like New Year's Eve at the Gol Gol Pub.
8.10pm: Some girl I have never seen before in my life wanders on in a satin bedsheet and leather gloves, looking like an extra from Labyrinth, and starts yelling "OVER, OVER OVER!" at the audience. Yes, we wish it were OVER too.
8.11pm: "VOTE CLOSE COUNTDOWN: 32.57". Can we vote that this thing finishes at 8.30pm?
8.12pm: I might as well admit right about now that I've had Stan's little black box in my head all week. NOT IN THAT WAY, YOU DIRTY PERVERTS. The song, obviously. Aren't you just DYING to see the video clip for that? It's reason enough to vote him in as the winner.
8.16pm: While we're in a completely boring adbreak - I'll give a shout out to Raoul, who has just made the most delicious coconut jelly dessert for me! Aww. He's not always shouty and rude, sometimes he's decidedly metro.
8.17pm: Let's take a look back at all the crappy guest judges they've had this year - Suzi Quatro, aka your crazy auntie; Liza Minnelli, aka your crazy great auntie; Ross Wilson, aka the guy we roped in early before we knew who we could get that was any better. Remember when they had Pink? And Britney Spears? No, neither can I.
8.19pm: OMG BRUNO HAS TOTALLY PUNK'D THE IDOL STAGE! YES! GO BRUNO! I hoe he shows his kugelsack.
8.20pm: I am LOVING Bruno's awesome embroidered belt. Very now. I totally didn't know he could sing!
8.21pm: Actually he can't.
8.21pm: Er, IS that Bruno?
8.21pm: Right, so it's Mika. Apart from his embroidered belt, and his foppish hairdo, and the fact that his drummer seems to have an exotic sort of fungus growing on her shoulders, this is completely underwhelming. I liked him better when he was Bruno.
8.22pm: I'm not sure what's prompted it (perhaps the belt) but the audience has revolted. "WE ARE NOT WHAT YOU THINK WE ARE!" they shout angrily, waving their fists in the air. Unfortunately, any hopes of this protest group forcing Mika off stage are dashed when he launches into another song. Sigh.
8.24pm: So I'm guessing we're not going to see anyone's kugelsack, then. Unless Kate gets another performance.
8.25pm: "How good was that?" yells Ken Doll.
8.26pm: Ken Doll announces tonight's show is brought to us courtesy of the government's national anti-binge drinking campaign. Which is a pity, as binge drinking would seem to be the only way to survive this catastrophe.
8.30pm: So, are there ANY blokes in the live audience tonight?
8.32pm: OMG RICKI LEE IS SINGING THE DEODORANT AD LIVE!
8.33pm: Ricki Lee has borrowed Adele's satin dress from before to dress up a four poster bed for this act, which she awkwardly climbs off with the help of two backing singers. She had three, but I think she got hungry backstage.
8.33pm: I think we should all declare Idol 2009 "The Year of the Thigh".
8.34pm: Ricki Lee attempts some stripper dancing, but ends up looking like she just wants to go to the toilet.
8.35pm: Toilet dancing and thighs aside, I love Ricki Lee. What a champ. TAKE THAT, BRITNEY LIP SYNCHING SPEARS.
8.36pm: And then there was foreboob. Sigh.
8.37pm: Time for an Ed Hardy fashion parade, courtesy of the male finalists and Snore Patrol.
8.38pm: WELCOME BACK TIM. HEART.
8.38pm: I am so disappointed Scott Shark Eyes has neglected to put his tattoo sleeve on tonight. He does, however, appear to be wearing a costume tail. OK.
8.39pm: Speaking of disappointment - I am most upset that Gaythan hasn't turned out in sequins and feathers like I'd hoped. Actually, where is Gaythan? Has anyone even seen him? Has he chucked a strop for not getting into the top two and decided to hide in the back somewhere?
8.41pm: Bunch of blokes in black vinyl run around singing song you've never heard of. That's basically what that last three minutes was.
8.43pm: Comment of the night so far from Anonymous: "Didn't Toby quit? Usually if u quit a job u dont get invited back for the Xmas party!"
8.43pm: Speaking of Christmas parties, if only the Idol one was like this:
That would obviously be Sabrina in the purple dress.
8.46pm: Ken Doll: "Voting lines have closed. But we're going to continue dragging this bitch out for hours yet with performances by people you would normally cross the street to avoid."
8.47pm: The original and best Idol Guy Sebastian has borrowed Usher's entire vibe and Wes Carr's hat for his performance with Jordin Sparks. Jordin is having an AWESOME time, because she's not there. They're just showing the bits of her from the video clip. This is rather like advertising that Arnold Schwarzenegger is coming to your birthday party, and then playing a DVD of The Terminator to your guests.
8.51pm: CHECK OUT GUY'S GUNS. I swear, they never fail to impress me.
8.51pm: Apparently Jordin couldn't come because she had appendicitis. I think it's more likely that she saw a tape of the 2008 Idol finale and thought "Fuck that".
8.54pm: So. How's everyone doing? Everyone got enough to eat? Drink? NO BINGE DRINKING ALLOWED - the government says so. Sort of puts the mockers on my Idol drinking game, where you get to slug a shot every time Stan says "ay".
8.55pm: Also, you need to drink every time Ricki Lee mentions "wetness" or "odour".
8.57pm: "I love this job because I turn up to work every day and I never know quite what to expect," says Ken Doll cryptically, as the lights dim and ominous strings strike up. The crowd starts screaming - ARE THEY GOING TO SHOOT THEM ALL? THAT would be great television.
8.58pm: As it turns out it's NOT a mass killing, it's just Michael Buble singing again. So, you know, kind of the same thing. ZING!
8.59pm: Fireworks, brass, crooning and a tux - this performance could only be bettered if they concluded it by firing Liza Minnelli out of a cannon. DO YOU THINK THEY WILL? Surely that's within the budget?
9.01pm: New comment of the night from Anonymous: "Don't let a night out turn into a nightmare = don't let sabrina sing when love takes over - again."
9.02pm: In a moment of clarity as yet unmatched on tonight's show, Michael Buble sums up the entire thing in five words - "It doesn't matter tonight, really."
ALL HEED THE WORD OF THE MIGHTY BUBLE.
9.07pm: A pair of ripped acid wash jeans walks onto the stage accompanied by Hayley Warner and her hunch.
9.08pm: "Whatever happens from this point on is a career turn," says Hayley.
"I was famous once. Would you like fries with that?"
9.10pm: It's been a least 10 minutes since our last montage, let's have another one. COULD THERE POSSIBLY BE ANY MORE FOOTAGE THAT WE HAVEN'T ALREADY SEEN? Until they show hidden camera footage of Hayley snorting coke off a half-naked Chippendale in the back of a panel van, I'm not interested in any more montages, thank you.
9.12pm: For the drinking game - make sure you have a shot any time someone says the word "journey" or "dream".
You in the morning.
9.15pm: Hayley sings Pink. Again. Mika stands backstage going "Yeah, but does she have an embroidered belt?"
9.16pm: Dicko, Marcia and Jay Dee say something from wherever they are which, by the looks of it, is hovering above the stage somewhere.
9.17pm: BC Commenter Little Faerie Girl is right - "national binge drinking campaign" DOES rather sound like an INVITATION, rather than a call to arms. PASS ME THE TEQUILA, IT'S A CELEBRATION!
9.18pm: It's about this point that I realise you lot over in the eastern states already know who the winner is. That rather takes the wind out of my sails.
9.20pm: BC pageloads hit 1066! YOU LOVE ME, YOU REALLY LOVE ME! (Does this mean I'VE won Idol?)
9.22pm: "I'm so blessed, ay," says Stan. DRINK!
9.23pm: "Thanks to everyone who voted for me, ay," says Stan. DRINK!
9.25pm: The best part of Stan's montage is the part where we learn he used to be Michael Jackson circa 1979.
9.26pm: Stan might have lost his job at that shopping mall, but it's good to see he's already got a backup plan if he doesn't win tonight:
Liza Minnelli has already signed up to the customer rewards program.
9.27pm: Stan looks through the catalogue of all the awesome songs he's sung on the show so far, ignore Purple Rain, Nothing Else Matters and Single Ladies, and goes with It's a Man's World.
9.29pm: If Stan doesn't win tonight, I'm going to eat Wes Carr's hat.
9.30pm: NEW DRINKING GAME CATEGORY - drink every time Stan mentions god. Start by skulling a pint of vodka to catch up.
9.30pm: The judging gods speak from the rafters again. Are the ghosts of Kyle and Holden up there too?
9.31pm: "You think it's awesome now? Wait until after the break," says Ken Doll to Stan. Er... did he just let the cat out of the bag?
9.33pm: WHY DID I LOOK AT MY TWITTER FEED JUST THEN? ARGH. THANKS FOR RUINING IT, LOSER.
9.34pm: Thanks to the Twitterverse for ruining any joy I might have taken from being surprised by the winner's announcement. I shall, however, trudge on regardless.
9.36pm: LIZA MINNELLI! DRINK!
9.36pm: Actually, drink AND take some pills. Any pills, it doesn't matter anymore.
9.37pm: KEYBOARDS, DRUMS, SYNTH - BRING IT ON!! IT'S THE FINAL ANNOUNCEMENT!! (do you like how I'm drumming up excitement here even though I already know who's won?)
9.38pm: IT'S ALL OVER - DRINK WHATEVER YOU'VE GOT LEFT....
9.39pm: AND THE WINNER IS...
9.39pn: It's about this time that I'd like to remind you all of THIS, predicted by me approximately 37 years ago:
I WAS RIGHT, RIGHT I TELL YOU!
9.39pm: "I just want to thank god man, praise god, ay," says Stan. That means you drink three times. If you haven't already passed out.
9.40pm: Stan's extended family, which comprises about 37% of the audience, spontaneously breaks into a haka. This is possibly the best performance of the night.
9.41pm: Say, have you heard the one about Stan's little black box? WELL HERE IT IS AGAIN, FOR THE 53RD TIME TONIGHT.
9.43pm: I can't believe I've only just noticed that Stan is wearing a vest. THAT should be the title of his new single - "There's a little black vest, somewhere in my wardrobe, and I can't sing without it..."
9.44pm: "Farkin' hell, he'd be praising Jesus up the arse tonight," splurts Raoul, who has just wandered in for the first time in over an hour. THANKS FOR THE HELP TONIGHT, RAOUL.
9.45pm: Everyone says thankyou about a million times, leading me to include a late addition to the Idol drinking game rules - drink every time someone thanks someone. The show's over now, so you might just have to guesstimate at how many times that was and backdate your drinks.
9.46pm: AND THERE WE ARE. Stan's won, you're all drunk, and I've finished a complete Idol Wrap Up earlier than ever before. WHY DIDN'T I JUST LIVEBLOG EVERY SUNDAY? Anyway that's it. I hope you've all enjoyed your time here in the BC - I'll be blogging bits and pieces from now until the next reality TV series that takes my fancy. Suggestions? Add 'em to the comments.
Until then, you can catch me on Twitter - @petstarr - and propping up the bar at various places around SA.
See ya next time, kids!