"OMG can you believe she did it again?"
"Petstarr's not blogging the Top Model finale. Bitch."
"That is SO Jodhi of her."
"She has TOTALLY sold out to Foxtel. Did you hear she gets paid like, a million dollars specifically NOT to blog the finale?"
"That is SOY disappointing."
WELL FEAR NOT, KIDDIES! I'M BACK! What, did you think I'd leave you in the lurch again after what you guys did to me last year? I think the whip wounds are still healing after that one, sheesh.
Contrary to popular belief I have NOT "sold out" to Foxtel (although given I still don't even own a Foxtel connection at my house the day they offer me something I swear I'll come a-running). No, the truth is - I'm a lazy cow. And I work. The combination of the two resulting in today's SIX DAY LATE FINALE WRAP UP! HURRAH!
Better late than never, eh peeps?
As some of you may know already, I flew all the way to Sydney to be in the audience of the live finale at Luna Park (and YES, I paid for the plane tickets myself - such is my rampant obssession with this show). I was accompanied by my delightful partner in ANTM blogging crime, Jo Blogs, who looked a vision in a very short silk frock and shoes she borrowed from Identity Dawson. I kid you not. NEXT TIME YOU WANT TO CLEAR OUT YOUR WARDROBE, DAWS, I'M RIGHT HERE. (not that I'd ever fit into anything in Dawson's wardrobe, but I could have it framed and sell it on Ebay. Or stuff it and keep it as a pet, whatever.)
It was a dark and stormy night on the banks of ol' Sydney Harbour, the giant gaping mouth of the Luna Park face appearing to swallow whole the hordes of over dressed pre-teens that had won tickets through radio competitions to be there. And as the winds howled and the rains pelted down, the two intrepid bloggers handed in their tickets to the ever so slightly smelly bouncer and took a few steps inside the auditorium, inching ever closer to their destiny as they... What? Oh alright, fine.
Present tense = engage. Dot points = engage. GAME ON, MOLLS.
- It's the glitziest, most glamorous night of the Fox 8 calendar, and all of Australia's A Grade celebrities have turned out in their droves - Anthony Callea and his boyfriend I forget the name of are in the front row, which is a good indication of the calibre of the crowd. The man from Project Runway who wears glasses and wants to be Tim Gunn but isn't good enough is also there, plus some random scrags who didn't win last year and OH MY GOD IT'S LADY DI! Oh no wait, that's just Clare's mum. Funny, I thought maybe they'd dug her up for the occasion.
- All the judges have decided to go classy, simple and elegant in all black attire. Except for Pease, who is boldly fighting those nasty rumours by wearing pink.
- Demelza is there too (what do you mean "who?" - the Ferrero Rocher ambassador, remember?), looking like a cross between a teenager going to her first prom and your mum. Squinty McSquinterson aka Jordan from season 3 is also there, still looking like you could plug an appliance into her face. All is normal.
- Wth a flourish of angel's trumpets, Blondie McPins descends from the heavens in a dress that makes her look like a delicious (yet somehow slimming) wedding cake. God's OWN wedding cake. That can reduce cellulite AND cure cancer.
- Pezza shrieks my own personal philosophy on life: "IF THERE'S NO BITCHING, WHAT'S THE POINT?"
- Cut to Australia's most over exposed Gen Y-er, Ruby Rose, who is backstage looking much more awesome than she sounds. Thankfully she's wearing a fabulously over the top sequinned number with pretty sparkles to distract me from the godawful interviews she's stumbling her way through. Sample: "And here we have Joh Bailey from..... Joh Bailey."
- Clearly Cassi and Tahnee have both signed lucrative contracts with Oral B, which is why they can no longer show their faces on camera.
- LOSER PARADE: in what seems like a particularly cruel decision on behalf of the producers, all the loser models have to come out and stand around in the outfits they were wearing when they got kicked off the show. Laura T lucks out, having to wear a hot pink 1950s bathing suit, Madison limps along the catwalk in that godawful metallic bikini and lime green blouse looking like something that just crawled out of the Cross at 3am on a Wednesday, but the cruellest blow of all is saved for Georgie (who?) who looks ooh, about 18 weeks, courtesy of the worst ruffle in the history of mankind.
- Further solidifying my suspicion that Laura M's boobs are too big to fit into Chanel, Laura M is not wearing Chanel despite being voted off after the Chanel challenge.
- Lola lurches down the runway in a dress like... well, Lurch. In a dress. Gorgeous smile though. Could swallow you whole.
- Little Oz Idol Jess "Muffin Top" Mauboy sings a song, wears a skirt so short the front rows are automatically temporarily employed as her gynaecologist.
- Gee it was nice of Fabio to turn up... oh wait, that's Russell James.
- Claudia Von Strange Accenten from Harpers Bazaar starts to say something, approximately three weeks pass, Dawson's has a touch up botox injection, Pezza polishes his noggin, I make a roast dinner banquet for 30 people and wallpaper my spare room, Claudia finishes her sentence.
- Back to Ruby in the audience for another scintillating interview, this time with the world's least excited Tahnee fan. If only she were as excited as Alice Burdeu:
- Oh good, Ruby's got another little poppet to talk to in the audience, this should be good. Aaaaaand, it isn't. Let's move on.
- Time for a fashion parade (at least, that's what they're calling it - it looks a bit more like "toddlers break into the dress up box" parade to me).
- In what would seem to be a ploy by the producers to get more votes for Tahnee, Tahnee is dressed in a spunky miniskirt and jacket, while Cassi is forced to limp down the runway in a tablecloth.
- Stealing the prize from Up-The-Duff-Georgie for worst outfit of the night is Adelaide's own Eloise, in a hideous underwear-as-outerwear catastrophe that makes her look like an extra from the porno version of the musical Chicago- Cockago.
"I'm gonna rip my top and pull my undies down - and all that jazz!"
In other news, this is the most interesting thing Eloise has done all series.
- The combination of a flared, floral pantsuit and a black sequinned bolero jacket makes Laura M looks like a character who wandered off the cover of a Mammas and Papas LP and straight through the back door of Studio 54, before drinking one too many pina coladas and winding up in the gutter choking on glitter.
- Mikarla, meanwhile, is forced to wear her own clothes in the parade because of the GFC.
- Thankfully Tahnee is there to put the "fashion" back into "fashion parade" in her completely stunningly mindblowingly amazingly gorgeous Alex Perry gown. She looks SO HOT she should be illegal. Actually, at 17 years old she probably IS in several states.
- And then there's Cassi, making a hot dress look lukewarm because THE GIRL CAN'T WALK, WHAT THE HELL??!! Trust me - it does NOT look better in person.
- Blondie makes the mistake of asking Claudia what she thinks of the final two. "Let's start with Cassi," she drawls, as I gently slip into a coma and await the end of days.
- Approximately 53 years later, when Claudia has eventually stopped talking about Cassi, we resume the telecast, the show having been renamed "Australia's Next Top Geriatric Model" and hosting duties having been taken over by Ruby Rose's grandchild.
- Back to Ruby Rose (oh goody...) who is backstage talking to contestants from Project Runway, who have apparently designed dresses for the models to wear to the show's after party. Here's some insider information: NO ONE WORE THESE DRESSES.
- Ruby stumbles over Lola's name, leading to many hilarious joke possibilities about Ruby not being able to get her mouth around Lola. This then leads to many other hilarious jokes about Lola being able to get HER mouth around ANYTHING.
- Pezza and Dawson attempt to wring some comedy out of 13 models without putting them in tight pants and pushing them over, or dangling hamburgers on fishing lines in front of them, which is quite a feat, really.
- Dawson announces Mikarla has put on 10 kilos, at which point I know I'm in a parallel universe because Mikarla smiles and says "thank you" instead of throwing a Maccers bag full of fag butts at her face and screaming "SHUT UP, SCRAG!" What the hell is going on here?
- Proof that the ANTM editors cut out any footage of Clare that showed any semblance of a personality is revealed when Blondie shows a video of Clare in a boy's wig shouting "I'M CRANKAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!". This is never explained.
- Blondie comes out in THE MOST AMAZINGLY GORGEOUS SILVER SEQUINNED DRESS I HAVE EVER SEEN, BETTER EVEN THAN TAHNEE'S SUPER-CORSETTED GOWN, OH MY GOD I WANT ONE WHERE CAN I GET ONE (FOR FREE)? I sincerely hope they suspend her from the ceiling and shine strobe lights on her at the after party.
- Tahnee and Cassi talk about their favourite moments from the series, a segment which is memorable only for the fact that Cassi actually looks decent outside of a photo shoot for the first time ever, and for the moment where she explains that she has an "hourglass figure". Unless she's talking about those special designer hourglasses shaped like a chopstick, I don't think I agree.
- Russell James tells Cassi she has "an erratic curve" - maybe he owns one of those hourglasses too?
- Pezza says "amazing". Pease says "amazing". Dawson says "amazing". Anyone still playing the drinking games from the 2007 finale should check themselves into rehab IMMEDIATELY.
- Tahnee reveals she has "a body that can relate to most teenage girls". Teenage boys across the nation weep in despair, wailing "WHAT ABOUT US? RELATE YOUR BODY TO US!".
- Cassi reveals she is "the most matured" out of all of the models on the show, mainly because she's stopped having strops, saying "fuck" on the runway and punching people.*
*NB: Cassi may not have actually stopped any of these things.
- Pease votes for Tahnee. Claudia takes a deep breath, tries to say something in less than 20 minutes, fails, votes for Cassi. Russell James says it's like having to decide between one model you've never heard of and another model you've never heard of, which is fairly apt considering most of the world has never heard of Tahnee OR Cassi. He votes for Cassi. Boo.
- Tahnee's mum comes out, looks nothing like Tahnee. Cassi's mum comes out, looks nothing like Cassi. What a moment.
- Muffintop Mauboy returns, sings a note so shrill that Tahnee's nose starts to bleed. Either that, or Cassi headbutted her backstage.
- Blondie "calls on herself" to deliver her vote. Then thanks herself and says "you're welcome" before voting for Tahnee.
- Everyone craps on about how beautiful Tahnee is while pretending not to notice the litres of blood spewing out of her face. It's like a fucking horror film up there, seriously.
- Priscilla votes for Cassi, little knowing that less than 24 hours later the "boganista" would be flipping her the finger while fanging it back to Sunbury with her bricklayer boyfriend, never to bother the world of modelling again...
- Dawson gives Cassi a half hour lecture entitled "Dating a Bogan Boyfriend and How it Can Adversely Affect One's Career". Meanwhile, Cassi's boyfriend hoons down to the Sunbury servo to buy her flowers, chocolates and a card that says "Don't Leave Me".
- Dawson votes Tahnee. Pezza votes Cassi. 82% of the viewing audience vote for Tahnee. You do the math. (Hint - the answer equals Tahnee plus a lot of confetti).
Not to be confused with Jo Bailey from Sale of the Century.
"These women are dentists..."
On the other hand, would Oral B really cast Cassi in an ad?
This photo proves that all examples of this top everywhere should be hurled onto a giant fashion bonfire, along with harem pants and anything involving velour.
The most beautiful man in the cosmos?
I AM THRILLED TO BE HERE.
"Mummy, why is the scary tattooed lady talking to me?"
Australia's Next Top Headbutting Victim!
And there you have it kids - Tahnee the size 10, big boobed, monotone-speaking lust-bomb is our winner for 2009. AMAZING! Thanks for joining me, it's been a blast. God knows what I'm going to do now... when does Idol start?