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Sunday, October 18, 2009

Australian Idol 09 Wrap Up: The Final 6 - Stage & Screen Night

Welcome to Idol's first ever STAGE AND SCREEN NIGHT, the night that pretends to honour Broadway musicals but instead turns out to be a celebration of pop songs that have appeared on the soundtracks of straight-to-DVD movies. So really it's more of an AND SCREEN NIGHT.

And who better to pretend to honour Broadway in front of than the diva herself, LIZA MINNELLI?

"If you were shitting in a theatre chair and you were looking at this performance, what would you want to see?" asks Liza.

Cleaners running towards me with mops and buckets, I think. And someone with a spare pair of pants.

Meanwhile, as all the other Idols are busy looking at each other going "Who the f*ck is Liza Minnelli?", Nathan's inner puppy dog looks like this:


For even more realism, imagine the keyboard as a piano keyboard.

And then in a scene reminiscent of the last time your grandma had too much sherry at Christmas lunch and started singing show tunes, Liza comes racing out onto the stage in a black sequinned sack and starts belting out Cabaret.

The tween audience is thrilled.


"Who let nanna out the home again?"

Now look - I'm no gay man, but I love Liza. I love that she's a wild-eyed, screeching, stomping, sequin-clad hot mess who looks like she's taken more drugs than Keith Richards - and that's just in the last 24 hours. But even I'll admit that this performance was RUBBISH. She sounded like a drunk yelling to the neighbours after locking herself out of her apartment building at three in the morning.


"HEY JOE, LEMME IN - I LOST MY KEYS AGAIN!"

Not only that, but she seemed obssessed with looking around behind her all the time - maybe she was expecting the nursing home staff with a big net and straight jacket at any second.

Of course, she gets a standing ovation anyway, because it is international law punishable by firing squad that Liza Minnelli must always get a standing ovation for Cabaret.

Then she pashes Ken Doll on the lips and flounces off - clearly whatever she's imbibed in the last 24 hours makes its way relatively quickly into G's bloodstream, as he starts waving to the judges and prattling on nonsenically.


I AM NOT TWEAKING.

Over to the bottom three, which tonight is HAYELY, KIM and KATE. Well this is a no brainer - goodbye cowgirl! Oh for f... are you serious? SHE GOT THROUGH? HOW FAR CAN ONE GIRL GET ON SO LITTLE TALENT? Could it be possible that Idol's resident rock chick will be kicked out tonight? (well, that's what you get for singing Tainted Love WITHOUT ONCE SINGING THE CHORUS, YOU PRANNY.)

But no, it's little Kimmy Cooper who gets the arse. Fare the well, blondie - you couldn't sing but you knew how to accessorise. The worst part of all of this of course is that it suggests Jay Dee's comments actually hold some weight with Idol viewers.

Backstage two crew members hoist Liza onto a sack truck and roll her out for round two with Ken Doll, which involves this sparkling piece of repartee:

KEN DOLL: Tell me Liza, after your shows do you rouge your knees and roll your stockings down?

LIZA: WHAT?

KEN DOLL: And all that jazz? No?

LIZA: Wha.. do I WHO?

KEN DOLL: Exactly.

Of course, the correct response from Liza should have been "No I don't, because as everyone knows that's CHICAGO not CABARET, YOU MORON."

First up tonight is TOBY with Queen's Somebody to Love. Is this like, the 15th Queen song we've seen on the show this far? Whatever happened to Stevie Wonder and Whitney Houston? I haven't used my counters in ages.


"Why the hell ain't no one singin' my shit no mo'?"

Liza leads him through a rehearsal in which she helpfully tells him he's like a stunned mullet that somebody hit with a wet towel. Maybe she's not so out of touch after all.

At this point I'd like to remind you that tonight is STAGE AND SCREEN NIGHT. Of course, some idiot turned the songs of Queen into a Broadway musical, which somehow makes Toby's song choice legal.


My new counter, for tonight's show only.

So anyway, Toby sounds pretty good - but once again he just strolls around the stage pointing at people. MEMO TO TOBY: remember this guy?


He actually DID stuff on stage.

You can't just stand there looking awkward and singing pretty and looking very very gorgeous indeed and... er... ahem. Anyway you can't just stand there and expect to win this thing, Toby. PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR FELLOW SOUTH AUSTRALIANS.

Dicko tells Toby he has to sell his body to win. Well, that would probably score him more votes. Marcia says it was incredibly gay. Oh wait, GAME. Sorry, I thought for a minute she might have been talking about Jay Dee's shirt.


Ooooh, suit YOU sir!

Liza says something about kittens and rainbows and pass the gin please, and Jay Dee says he has nothing negative to say. Which makes a nice change from every other week when he has nothing at all to say.

Moving on to STAN, who's chosen The Circle of Life from The Lion King.


Here's what I think of that song choice.

I mean seriously, The Circle of Life? LAME. Fortunately he hasn't dressed up in a faux fur headdress - instead he's opted for an ill fitting Ed Harry suit and T shirt. Actually, I'm not sure whether that's any better. So yeah, look, it's a passable performance. I mean, it's a good performance - if you're into the Lion King. So if we can all get into our Deloreans and travel back to the early 90s when people actually liked Hakuna Mutata, Stan will be fine.

Marcia says she got chills - although that could just be the air conditioning. Liza says she could have used a little more body movement in her belief system. And also a little more gin in her martini. Jay Dee says "THIS GUY'S A STAR!" and still fails to get the crowd excited. Dicko says "Hakuna Mutata", so clearly his Delorean is still running fine.

Next up is KATE with Son of a Preacher Man.


Liza hits the rehearsal room to give Kate some much needed advice on how to sing the song.

"Look - Billy Ray was a girl. She was a PREACHER'S SON," slurs Liza, while Kate nods and smiles, wondering how she missed the whole transexual subplot of the song on first reading.

In a nutshell:

  • Clearly it was 50 per cent off at Ed Harry this weekend as, like Stan, Kate is dressed in an oversized black suit and matching hat. Actually, the hat is slightly more oversized than the suit is.


  • Even with the new girl-boy subtext, Kate singing about "the only boy who could ever thrill me" is still cause for nudging and winking at my place.

    "The only one who could ever thrill me was a girl with a singlet on," sings Raoul.


  • Liza says "You rock me, you knock me out, kick more butt. And get me some more gin."


  • Jay Dee says something about how he's nearing the end of his club nights. Maybe if you changed your shirt they'd let you in more?


  • Dicko criticises Kate for turning the song into cabaret, seemingly unaware that the world's bigest cabaret star is one metre to his right, and also THAT IT'S STAGE AND SCREEN NIGHT, ISN'T CABARET THE WHOLE BLOODY POINT?


  • "There's nothing here to be frightened of, we're here to love you," says Marcia, which would seem to be enough cause for fright in itself.

Moving along to HAYLEY who is singing Powderfinger's These Days.


Is she serious?

Apparently it was in some Australian film at some point. Yeah great, whatever. I mean, what is the point of this theme? It might as well be "sing whatever the hell you want night".

Nutshell:

  • She's not wearing a black jacket for once which is a nice change, although she is wearing a dirty big wooden cross. So either she's worried about vampires, or she's been spending way too much time backstage with churchy Stan and she's finally joined Hillsong. In which case, she should really be singing something from Jesus Christ Superstar. Actually, that would have been sweet.


  • Strangely enough - this is terrible. I mean really, really awful. This might be the first time I've seen Hayley be this underwhelming. Oh well, at least she's managing to sing the chorus this time.


  • Jay Dee says it didn't get out of first gear. For the first time ever, I agree with Jay Dee.


    Meanwhile - if anyone sees these four horsemen, can they let me know?


  • Dicko says it was benign and needed more spikes. Kind of like the exact opposite to Liza's pre-show drink.


  • Marcia says 45 seconds wasn't enough time for her to do the song justice. This may be the only time I've ever agreed with Marcia too. (Can I hear hooves in the distance?)


  • "Is that the song you sang in front of me before? Oh that's another one? Then I'm gonna wait for that one," says Liza, in what is obviously the best quote of the series so far.

Next up is JAMES with the first fully proper authentic Broadway song of the night - You'll Never Walk Alone from Carousel.


Hooray for Broadway!

Sadly that's where my excitement ends for James. He wears a black suit. He yells a bit. His hair is fuzzy. That's all I have to say.

Dicko says he doesn't want to pee on everyone's bonfire but James doesn't have the life experience to sing that song. Meanwhile, there's a strange smell in the air - like charred wood and asparagus. Marcia says she was still, he was still, and singers don't have monkeys on their backs. Then she passes the empty pill bottle back to Liza under the desk. Liza says James made her believe he was the age he was, and the way he looked, and that he believed what he was saying, and GOD DAMMIT WHERE'S MY GIN? Jay Dee says "the kid I was ribbing six weeks ago blew my socks off". No one is sure if he's talking about James or just confessing to what he got up to on the weekend.

Moving right along to NATHAN, Idol's resident theatre geek who will no doubt throw on some ears and a tail and do Rum Tum Tugger from Cats, or put on a stackhat and some rollerblades and give us the theme song to Starlight Express... or Thriller. He could just do Thriller.


Hmph.

With just 45 seconds to deliver, and with animated bats flapping in the background, and the fact that you know, IT'S FRIGGING MICHAEL JACKSON, this performance certainly tempts the fail gods.

"Cos this is bullshiiiit, bullshit yeah!" sings Raoul, stuffing himself with rocky road.

Actually I think it's rather good - I'm starting to rather love Nathan. But seriously, it's stage and screen night - WHERE IS MY LLOYD WEBBER?

Marcia says it was incredibly exciting, although she might still be referring to those pills Liza gave her earlier. Liza says it was "gangbusters", which is a word I encourage everyone to use at least once this week in their daily lives, such as:


"Gee, this coffee is gangbusters!"


"Say team, this strategy report is gangbusters!"


"Yo, check our gang - it's gangbusters!"

Jay Dee thanks Nathan for cutting his hair (he's offering haircuts to the Idol crew now? Is Nathan SURE he has a girlfriend?) and Dicko says he's travelling well.

Next on the block is... hang on, what the? TOBY? We've already seen him! WHADDYA MEAN THEY'RE DOING TWO SONGS EACH?


This is me right about now.

Right so, OK, it's TOBY again with Radiohead's Exit Music from a Film. Apparently this was in some Baz Luhrmannn film. I think you know what that means.


Sigh.

"Get over your Radiohead obssession, dickhead," spits Raoul. I concur.

Marcia says "I love radio HEAD!" Not sure what that is - is it different from TV head? Liza says it was really sexy. And also, is that gin on the way? Jay Dee asks if Toby wants to be Radiohead, to which Toby replies that's where God wants him to be. What the? Have all the Idols turned churchy over the last seven days? AND WHAT KIND OF GOD WANTS ANYONE TO BE RADIOHEAD?


I mean seriously, look at the frontman.

"I'd love to see things from Jay Dee's point of view but I can't get my head that far up my own arse," snarks Dicko.

"Not even with all that Jenny Craig?" snaps Jay Dee.


JERRY, JERRY, JERRY!

"Can you sort this out Liza?" interrupts Ken Doll

"Yes. Speaking of Joey... er..." stutters Liza, proving that in fact no, she can't.

Back on the block is STAN with We Will Rock You. Ie: Queen. AGAIN.


Won't somebody bring the theatrics?

As expected, it's very r&b meets rock. It's quite good. But you know, it's Queen. I AM SO OVER QUEEN ALREADY.

"We will, we will rock you," sings Stan.

"Fuck you stick it right up you!" finishes Raoul triumphantly. See how Liza likes THAT version.

Jay Dee gives his usual enlightening commentary by saying "Band - wow". Also: "Food - good" and "Marcia - pretty". Dicko calls the song ghetto fabulous, despite Queen songs having absolutely nothing to do with the ghetto ever. Liza says it was a powerhouse. Marcia says something else, I dunno - I can barely remember my own name anymore this show's been going on so long.

KATE gets up again, sings something called Make You Feel My Love, which apparently was written by Bob Dylan, but was on one his albums post 1966 which means I don't care about it.


"I blue myself."

Kate is... you know, Kate. I can't even be bothered with this girl anymore. She wears a hat and a big old belt buckle and sings a song. Whatever. The judges have clearly all been lulled into a dream state as well - either that, or they've all beensharing Liza's pills - as Dicko says it was captivating, Marcia says it made her want to embrace her, Liza says it was really good and Jay De says he can see a beautiful energy. Someone light some incense and let's get this shit over with.

HAYLEY hits the stage next with Oh What a Night, which is apparently allowable because it's in new musical Jersey Boys.


Jersey Boys my arse.

Hayley's performance in four words: bongoes, strings, not bad.

Just for something different, Marcia says she's always loved that song and it's one of her favourites. Liza says Hayley's shyness is touching. Also, could someone do something about that two tonne pink tarantula dangling from the ceiling above her head, it's casting a shadow. Jay Dee says Hayley shouldn't experiment, unlike everyone on the judging panel this evening. Dicko's pills kick in and for a second he thinks he's on Celebrity Masterchef, saying the song didn't have much sugar, but it had heat and some sour tones. It probably would have gone well with a nice cold sauvignon blanc.

JAMES is back with Crazy Little Thing Called Love, otherwise known as a song that would have gone down better last week. Also:


I'm getting angry now.

So apparently this song featured in 2006 film Failure to Launch. Remember that smash hit? Matthew McConaughey and Sarah Jessica Parker playing romantic leads - what could possibly go wrong with that concept?

"I hate this song," spits Raoul.

Me too. I also hate James' stupid black suit with the white piping round the edge, and his faux Elvis accent, and the over enthusiastic brass in the band... I HATE IT ALL. WHEN WILL THIS SHOW BE OVER?

Liza says he could have used more intention. JUST LIKE SHE COULD USE SOME MORE GIN IN HER GOD DAMN MARTINI, IS NO ONE LISTENING?? Jay Dee reaches into the deepest recesses of his critical brain, and says "On the flat bits it was a little flat". He truly is a wordsmith. Dicko says it's all there, he just needs to put it together - like an Ikea bookcase.


Out now.

And finally, we bring it on home with a proper theatrical finale befitting a celebration of the stage - NATHAN with Music of the Night from Phantom.

"I want you to think of something absolutely glorious from one night in your life," says Liza during rehearsals.

"Slowly, gently," sings Nathan, making me wonder just what glorious night he's re imagining...


I think maybe the time he French polished his mum's antique sideboard.

He's no Michael Crawford, but he does a tidy job of a big song in a small space of time. OMG, is Nathan my new favourite?

"That was slamming and in the pocket," says Raoul.

"He's still in those fat pants though."

I concur.

Jay Dee says Nathan brought the fire. Everyone nods and smiles and pretends to know what he means. Liza says "Let's go for a walk!", then realises she's still on a live TV show and contiunues anyway.

"I wanted to walk with you and I wasn't afraid," she says. You know you've made it when you can sing to Liza Minnelli and not scare the shit out of her.

"You look so mature, as if you could have taken me or Liza by the hand wherever you wanted to take us," gushes Marcia, while thousands of viewers around the country reach for their Inappropriate Flirting Buckets to spew into.

And lo, so endeth Stage and Screen Night. Thank god for that. Any last words, Liza?


"Huh? I thought it was ageing cream night!"

Exactly.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Australian Idol 09 Wrap Up: The Final 7 - Big Band Night

In the words of Ken Doll: tonight is going to be big, it's going to be loud...


No, it's not Casey Donovan night...


...IT'S BIG BAND NIGHT! What better way to rope in that crucial 13 to 25 demographic than with a heap of old fogey music that only mums and dads listen to?

I know, how about bringing in a MASSIVE STAR - HARRY CONNICK JR!


"Harry Potter who?"


Look kids, he was big in the 90s, OK? And for the record - Mr Jr is looking so hot right now, despite being the ripe old age of 42. At any rate, this should be fun - the last time Harry Connick Jr was asked to be a talent judge on Australian TV everything went fine, didn't it?

Not looking quite as hot - in fact, looking rather a lot like Mr Sheen - is James Morrison, who has kindly elected to blow his trumpet on stage tonight and, as we shall find out later, give some of THE BEST CRITIQUES IDOL HAS EVER SEEN. Can we replace Jay Dee with Jay Em?

And after poncing about on stage for five minutes to I Just Whispered Your Name with the other Idolites, Ol' Shark Eyes aka SCOTT Newnham is booted off the show, thanks to the voting public finally realising that Australia needs bricks laid more than it does another shitty R&B record.

Ken Doll introduces Mr Sexbomb Jr and asks him what advice he can give to the Idolites.


Maybe avoid doing any Al Jolson numbers for a start...


First on the block tonight is KATE, who's extra pumped about performing because she misheard the producers and thinks it's actually "Big Hat" night.

Kate describes singing in front of a big band as like being "in front of a Mack truck pushing you down the road". Hmm. Can that be arranged?

Kate takes Ray Charles' Hit the Road Jack and force feeds it Valium, then whomps it on the head and drags it around the stage a few times for what feels like AN ETERNITY. I'm just about to pass out from boredom when she runs over to the band, waves her arms around in the air and shouts something like "AHHHANGONAMINUDDISTOOSLOWSSTOOSLOWSPEEDIDUPABIDWOULDYA", prompting everyone to take a hit of meth and resume the song at 20 times the speed. The result sounds like a 1980s boombox chewing up your mum's favourite Motown tape.


"Even I can see this chick won't win!"


Then she finishes with a resounding "GO ARN MATE, GET OUTTA HERE!", which is how I imagine Steve Irwin would have done it had he been a Ray Charles impersonator instead of a wildlife warrior. It's all very Rooty Hill RSL - here's hoping there'll be a chook raffle later.

Dicko says she kept it in her own area, Marcia congratulates the band and Harry says "I'd pay a lot of money to see that" but forgets to finish his sentence with "go far, far away and never come back". Jay Dee, who tonight is dressed by the good people at GLAD...


He's Super Tuff!


...says "keep doing it". Let's count how many times he says something similar tonight, shall we?

Next up is STAN, who proves he is indeed "the man" by electing to sing Beyonce's Single Ladies.

On big band night.


HALLELUJAH!


Truly Stan, you are a genius. This is definitely in keeping with my "everybody needs to do more Beyonce" call of Week One.

Right about now it's time for my weekly reminder of this:


I CALLED THIS DURING AUDITIONS, PEOPLE.


In a nutshell:

  • Stan sings Beyonce on Big Band Night. This makes Stan the winner of the world.


  • "If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it," spits Stan, before popping his hip and slapping his own butt. STAN = WINNER.


  • Even Harry is hypnotised by Stan's awesomeness:


    Woh-oh-ohhh.


  • Stan heads out into the audience and sings at a few people who immediately spontaneously combust in the face of such bodaciousness, then does some amazing wobbly leg dancing and some fairly ordinary scatting, gets back on stage and finishes with some fabbo Beyoncified moves. OUT-STAN-DING. I officially put a ring on Stan.


  • The crowd goes mental. Marcia says something... Actually, I have no idea what. Honestly, I tried to summarise it in a sentence and I drew a blank. Who knows what she said. But she liked it. The Connick reminds everyone for the 500th time that he's from New Orleans by saying something about New Orleans, Jay Dee manages to simultaneously compliment Stan and make everyone feel slightly dirty by sluring something about eating ice cream at midnight, and Dicko uses my most hated cheap gag ever by saying "A little bit of wee came out when you did that". CAN WE ALL STOP USING THE "A LITTLE BIT OF WEE CAME OUT" JOKE PLEASE? IT IS NOT FUNNY, IT IS JUST GROSS, AND IT REMINDS ME OF CAL WILSON. AND NO ONE NEEDS TO BE REMINDED OF CAL WILSON. Then again, Dicko follows that statement up with asking Stan to "do it in his undies" so maybe it wasn't actually a joke.


    It was a slippery slope from Jenny Craig down...


Next up is little KIM.


Sadly for Raoul, not THIS Lil Kim.


From the looks of the rehearsal footage, Kim seemingly kicked off her session with James Morrison by grabbing the side of her head and shouting "SHUT UP!", which is quite coincidental as that's the exact same reaction I have whenever Kim comes on screen.

She's chosen The Man I Love and sings it the way everyone on the face of the earth knows it to be sung, which apparently is WRONG and if you sing it like that JAMES MORRISON WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND BEAT YOU OVER THE HEAD WITH HIS TRUMPET. But instead of smashing Kim over the head with a brass instrument he just tut-tuts and craps on about reading the sheet music and learning the melody and how Kim won't accept criticism and she's tense and defiant AND A LITTLE SO-AND-SO UPSTART WHO WOULDN'T KNOW JAZZ IF IT CRAWLED UP HER NOSE AND FARTED ON HER BRAIN.

And from that inglorious intro we segue into Kim's performance. She looks absolutely luscious in a little black and white frock, diamond drop earrings and a sweet 20s water wave bob but it's like Morrison's put the kaibosh on her - she's flat and out of tune, and bounces between sounding tired and shouty. It's not a good mix.

The Connick says Kim did an OK job, especially considering she's only 21 and it's really hard to sing big band at 21 and... oh hang on...


"That's right, I was 21 when I made this best selling soundtrack album! Silly me, I forgot."


"Ella Fitzgerald, Nina Simone... Kim Cooper. Hmm," says Jay Dee helpfully, presumably to remind everyone that Kim is not yet a mega famous internationally respected jazz singer who is also dead.

"Do you want to be a singer or do you want to be a celebrity?" he continues, in what might be the first HANG ON - WTF? moment of the 2009 Idol season.


GASP!


"For one I'm really offended that you would even ask me that, I'm here to be an artist," snaps Kim, putting the smackdown on Jay Dee.

"When you turned up to the auditions six months ago did you turn up to sing? Because I heard you'd turned up to bring one of your friends along," counters Jay Dee.


GASP.


"I've always wanted to be an artist, I've never been in doubt about that," Kim snaps back.

"Well you pulled off a performance, so you know, keep getting there," slags Jay Dee.

"That's fine, Jay Dee," snaps Kim.


This girl's face says it all, really.


WTF just went on there? That was more like some weird lovers' tiff than a performance critique. Best move on to Dicko Depends - he says she looks sizzling but the vocals were dreary. Oh dear. Poor little Kimmy Cooper. Never mind, Marcia will say something nice and/or indecipherable, that'll fix it.

"You had some terrible pitch problems tonight," she says.


Sigh.


Ken Doll whips out a copy of Marcia's new self help book and reads a paragraph about loving yourself WITHOUT A SINGLE HINT OF IRONY. What the hell is going on around here?


True dat.


Moving right along to JAMES aka Mini Zoolander aka Ben Stiller who shrunk in the wash, who's chosen to do that completely original and totally not overdone standard, Fever.

"I've chosen this song because I want to show Dicko that I'm not just a little kid, I'm a... I'm a... a MAN," says James, although it's hard to hear him with his voice cracking like that.


"If I had a girlfriend she'd kill me!"


"He's determined to get away from that image of the kid and being a cutie and you know, OK, that's his call," scoffs Morrison, and you can almost hear him choking on his own derision.

Then he advises James to think of a hot girl in a bikini while he sings - James suggests Miranda Kerr. Oh dear, I hope he's not wearing those tight pants again this week or things could get even more awkward than that Jay Dee/Kim face off.

In a nutshell:

  • James goes Bond, walking on in silhouette snapping his fingers. You half expect Shirley Bassey to start wailing while Miranda Kerr actually walks out in a gold bikini toting a pistol. It's... it's kinda hot, actually.


  • Despite looking approximately eight years old, James is completely convincing as a swing king - the suit looks great, his voice has the right amount of croon, and the whole thing is way more cool than anyone could have expected. Close your eyes and you could be listening to someone twice his age. ONYA JAMES, I NEVER KNEW YOU HAD IT IN YOU.


  • Could I be starting to LIKE James? Humph.


  • Jay Dee says he looks like a James Bond action figure, Dicko calls him "Baby Buble", Marcia says "get on wit your bad little self" and The Connick tries to throw a chair at him. Overall, a good reaction.


Moving along to HAYLEY who is attempting to out-awesome Stan tonight with a Big Band version of Tainted Love.


THERE'S SO MUCH AWESOMENESS TONIGHT MY HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODE.


"I was a bit intimidated because there were like, 30 people with massive instruments just staring at me," she says at her first rehearsal.


Funnily enough, the star of this movie said EXACTLY the same thing on day one of filming.


In a nutshell:

  • Hayley has obviously joined Black Jacket, White T Shirt and Tight Black Jeans Anonymous (BJWTSATBJA) as she's ditched the black jacket for a fetching maroon one (who am I kidding, maroon is never fetching). She's clearly only up to step one of the 12 step program though, as she's still wearing a white T shirt and tight black jeans. Baby steps Hayley, baby steps.


  • Actually Hayley, I take it all back. Go back to the black jacket. This one makes you look like a valet.


    Hayley Valet isn't a bad stage name, actually.


  • Hayley proves her mastery of tenses leaves something to be desired, singing "Once I run to you, now I run from you". It's RAN, Hayley. RAN.


  • In a feat many thought impossible, Hayley manages to sing the whole of Tainted Love without once singing the chorus. You know, the bit that goes "tainted love, woah-oh tainted love, oh-oh tainted love..." It's the hook. Otherwise known as "the best bit of the whole song", "the bit that everyone loves" and "how can you possibly sing Tainted Love without singing the fucking chorus, are you serious, what's wrong with you?"


  • Ughhh this is ACTUALLY frustrating to listen to. Every time she gets close to the chorus she stops and sings something else, or goes over to the band and starts clicking her fingers. "SING THE FUCKING CHORUS!" Raoul and I shriek as we start climbing the walls in desperation.


  • Dicko says the arrangement didn't really work because she lost some of the hooks. YOU THINK? Marcia says on the planet she was sitting on, Hayley's performance was slamming. Also on her planet, the fountains run with tea and kittens come in vending machines. The Connick says Hayley looked desperate and betrayed. So... that's positive... I guess. Dicko makes a joke about Hey, Hey It's Saturday, The Connick looks uncomfortable on Australian television for the second time in a week, and we move on to Jay Dee who criticises her coat. Thanks for coming, Jay Dee.


Next up is NATHAN "Gaythan" Brake, who should take to Big Band like a drag queen to chicken fillets and sparkly eyeshadow. He's doing It Don't Mean a Thing If it Ain't Got that Swing. Hmm. I kind of hate this song. But I kind of love Nathan, so it should even out.

Without further ado, the nutshell:

  • He starts with his now patented intense-stare-with-slight-lip-curl-and-squint that he introduced last week. It's quite effective. Dean Geyer, you have taught this grasshopper well.


  • Nathan sounds awesome, apart from when he's going "doo-wa-doo-wa-doo-wa-doo-wa". Unfortunately, he has to do that every third line.


  • On the plus side, he swooshes about the stage like a pro and his thighs look much less womanly in a suit. The whole thing is kind of like Glee meets Michael Buble crossed with a dash of Liza Minelli and a twist of "FAAAABULOUS DAHLING".


  • Marcia calls him "boyfriend", The Connick says it was awful (he might have corrected this afterwards but I probably missed that) and Dicko cals it "performance of the night". Jay Dee tells him to cut his hair, to which Nathan replies "YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE ANY."


    Is it just me, or is there a touch of Ja'ime about Nathan?


And it's on to our final performer for the night, TOBY with a really fresh, cool song that isn't at all tainted by the booze-soaked memories of the thousands of bad karaoke singers that have come before - My Way.


This is generally what you think of when anyone other than Frank Sinatra proposes to sing My Way.


Apparently this song is a big deal for Toby, because he's been doubting himself lately and wondering which path to take, and the pressure of Idol has been getting to him and OH JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND SING THE KARAOKE SONG, WOULD YOU?

If you missed Toby's performance, just remember the last time your drunk workmate sang it at three o'clock in the morning that time after one too many pints and a bitch about the boss. It's just like that. Except (and I'm making assumptions about your workmate here, but) Toby is better looking.

The Connick says Toby looks like James Bond and did a fantastic job. Jay Dee said "vocally, you sang that". Thanks, Jay Dee. Dicko says Toby sang it like an introverted school teacher. THAT'LL SELL RECORDS: INTROVERTED SCHOOL TEACHER SINGS THE HITS! Marcia says the band was "fantastically outstanding" and Toby's suit is sharp, but neglects to say anything about Toby's actual performance. Oh well. Then Toby reveals that his housemates have moved all his stuff out of his house and he's basically homeless, to which everyone laughs. HA HA, TOBY'S HOMELESS! HE DID IT HIS WAY!

Then The Connick sings a song, everyone holds hands and smiles and the show is finally over. Thank god. How can there be fewer and fewer people every week and yet it seems to run longer and longer...

And just when you thought Idol couldn't get any gayer, Ken Doll announces Liza Minelli is guest judge next week.


"OH MY GOD NATHAN AND LIZA IN THE ONE SHOW??!"


See you then, biatches. I reckon it's Kim and Toby on the chopping block next week - but I haven't predicted one loser yet, so don't listen to me.