ANTM starts off this week by wasting everyone's time, showing us a set of credits containing five girls who have already been eliminated and were only on the show for a collective total of 3.5 minutes anyway. Did Sally even SAY anything last week? Who the hell is she, and why do I have to watch her open the show every bloody week?
Anyway, we open at Model HQ where all the girls are showing off by eating pretend breakfasts of almonds, sliced apple and air while they discuss last night's mega elimination.
“It's sad because of the impact on the house, there's five girls gone now, but it's also happy because there's five girls gone out of the competition,” says Sophie, who obviously is not just an Avon lady but a maths expert AND a zen master.
Suddenly – Sarah Mail.
“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” scream the girls.
It turns out to be a photograph of a pair of jeans.
“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEANNNNNNS!” they squeal again.
What could this mean? Is it code? Perhaps it's some sort of Amazing Race style puzzle that the girls will have to crack before they can go to their next challenge, like make a pair of jeans out of whatever you can find in the third drawer of the kitchen, and then wear them in a catwalk show in the middle of Westfield.
"I made these out of some left over Glad Wrap and a colander.
“If my jeans could talk, would I be embarrassed? Brooke Shields,” reads one modelette dutifully from the Sarah Mail.
While the girls wonder amongst themselves who Brooke Shields is, I'm more concerned with what drugs Brooke was smoking when she said that quote. What embarrassing things could her jeans have said about her? Apart from reflecting on the state of her underwear and how often she liked to sit down, I can't imagine they'd have anything scandalous to say at all. Is that a real Brooke Shields quote? No wonder she went out with Michael Jackson, the girl was clearly mental.
“Is she the lady that spread her legs on that movie and you could see up her skirt?” says Kimberly, who I think is confusing Brooke Shields with Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct, but may very well be referring to another movie altogether (she DOES work at Hooters).
The Sarah Mail goes on to tell the girls they're wanted at the Levi's store in Chatswood, so off they trot.
“We're all walking down the mall at Chatswood and I didn't know WHAT to expect,” slurs Jessica, who is probably going to be very disappointed when she turns up at the Levi's store and finds a shop that sells jeans.
“I thought maybe we'd be doing jean kind of poses, and that kind of thing, I had no idea,” she continues, cementing her spot in this year's MENSA nominations list.
Suddenly Erin McNaught turns up and starts crapping on about charity in a totally unrehearsed and natural way, and tells the girls they need to be “three dimensional”. This would seem to be a problem given that 75 per cent of the girls disappear into thin air when you turn them to the side.
Erin tells the modelettes they'll be shooting a “viral campaign” for Jeans for Genes day, ie: they'll be starring in a no budget short film that will get uploaded to Youtube and probably not be shared by anyone, ever. This seems even more certain when Erin tells them the film will consist of each model standing in front of the camera saying “I love my jeans because...”
“So for example, I might say 'I love my jeans because they give me confidence',” says Erin, clearly confusing her jeans for a sanitary pad.
While the girls get ready for the shoot, model mentor Josh Flinn is still battling to cover up his true identity as the lost fourth member of Bros, however his chambray shirt with pointy collar is giving it away.
When, will I, will I be famous?
In a nutshell:
- The viral video shoot is lent some credibility after Ben Affleck is brought in as guest director
He's effing Matt Damon.
- Pretty much every model says she loves her jeans because they're “comfortable”. Because everyone knows that fashion is about comfort, right?
- “I love my jeans because mroan's the new colour this season,” says Brittney. Apart from the fact that I've never heard of “mroan”, MAROON WILL NEVER BE THE NEW COLOUR OF ANY SEASON EVER, IT IS HORRIBLE AND SHOULD BE BANNED. This has nothing to do with the fact that my school uniform was maroon.
- Sophie stretches her entire face into a smile, stiffens her neck and blahs something about her “unique style” and “strutting her stuff”. Immediately, toy designers from Mattel burst through the door and hand her a script to record for the next talking Barbie.
- “I love my jeans because every time I wear them, I'm guaranteed a good time,” says Chantal.
Brooke Shields is NOT amused by denim innuendo.
- Kelsey is told to wear heels. Because she's short. You hadn't forgotten, had you?
- Kimberly declares her butt “grabbable”. She's probably right, although who would know given we haven't actually seen it yet, despite her going on about it in every episode. Producers, hello? Can we please see Kimberly's bum? I think she wants us to.
After this it's back to HQ, and there's the requisite montage of the girls making biscuits and muffins and eating ice cream and chocolate, juxtaposed with them sticking pictures of supermodels on their bedroom walls and perfecting their walk in the hallway. OH, THE CONTRASTS, AREN'T THEY SHOCKINGLY INTERESTING.
Back in the lime green cavalcade of the Apocalypse, and it's off to Foxtel headquarters where the girls are no doubt going to be asked to do some filing, answer the phones and make some coffee for the executives for the afternoon. Hello, this program doesn't just fund itself, you know!
“When we arrived at Foxtel I was so nervous,” Jessica says, before adding “because I listed them on my dole form last week.”
Suddenly Dawson looms into shot, looking utterly gorgeous and completely devoid of any comedic potential. Damn. She grabs the nearest Oompa Loompa, shoves them all onto the WonkaBoat and whisks them off to the Channel V studios down the hall.
“I was like oh my gosh we're doing something on TV this is so bad,” says Megan, who has only just realised that turning up for a challenge at a TV studio might involve doing something on TV.
As it turns out they have to do a spot as co-host on some music TV show called V Rater, or VJ Radar or maybe it's Bee Rater (the number one rated show among apiarists) – whatever it is they have to stand next to a bloke called Danny who looks like eliminated contestant Alison and talk about music.
Actually Danny looks more like Justin Bieber caught in a windstorm.
But first they must get acquainted with the joys of working in TV as anyone other than Tracey Grimshaw or Kerri-Anne – they have to do their own makeup.
You'd think the Avon lady, of all people, would be happy about this, but no.
"I almost crapped myself, because I am the most least fashionable person in this whole house,” says Amanda.
“I am 155,000 per cent more less fashionable than you!” shrieks Brittney.
“I did makeup at TAFE, so I wasn't too worried about doing that,” says Kimberly. Of course you did.
In a nutshell:
- Megan fails within the first 10 seconds by almost reading out “Banter about weekend” from the autocue
- Chantal is asked whether she likes any collaborations and impresses music fans everywhere by saying “A little bit, yeah, sometimes, here and there” and then listing her favourite musical collaboration as “rock”
- Danny quizzes Brittney about musical collaborations, to which she responds with a look usually reserved for cheerleaders in American movies after the school nerd has just asked them to the prom.
"Are you serious? I'm going to prom with Chip, you geek."
- Kelsey does a brilliant job at presenting, but stuffs it all up by dressing as Jane Eyre. And being short.
I seem to recall Mr Rochester being more handsome than that, funny...
- Dawson describes Amanda's hair as looking like “a bungee rope that had been overused”, but I think we can all agree it's better than Danny's.
Just a reminder.
- Jessica channels Tim Burton again, comes out looking like a collectible doll from The Corpse Bride toy range. However she does know what the word “collaboration” means, so it's a win for corpses everywhere.
"And so Johnny Depp is this over the top, gothic doctor right, who's fallen in love with the haunted girl he sees in the mirror, OK..."
- “I'm very impressed that you know what the word 'collaboration' means – do you read good and do other things good too?” asks Danny, indicating that he'd very much like Jessica to punch him in his hairdo. Sadly she doesn't.
- Sophie comes out with what appears to be a bale of hay stapled to her head. It turns out to be her hair. Dawson says it's absolutely awful and wonders if Sophie has confused Channel V with The Muppet Show. I wonder why NO ONE HAS SAID A THING ABOUT DANNY'S HAIR SO FAR.
- Sophie proves she's had media training by invoking the number one rule of live television – if you cover your mouth, whisper or mutter under your breath, it doesn't go to air.
- Danny proves conclusively what an arse he is by patronising and mocking every contestant, despite the fact that some of them are actually better than he is at presenting. DEATH TO DANNY DICK-HAIR.
- Despite covering herself in 1980s blue eyeshadow and hot pink lipstick, Kimberly gets off to a good start but is let down by Danny, who mocks her turn of phrase and then leaves her to dangle, muttering something about “douchebags” before she eventually crumbles in a heap and yells “Fuck”. Kimberly FTW.
The escapee from the Tim Burton exhibition wins the challenge, which I think means she finally gets to become a real girl or something, and then it's back to Model HQ where Kimberly cracks open her big book of Daytime Drama Cliches for some stirring soul searching.
“I'm always alone, even when I've got people round me. I won't let anyone into my little bubble. Everyone I've ever trusted has broken that trust. I can't let my guard down, cos that's when I get hurt,” she warbles.
She seems to have forgotten that last week she told the world “I have no filter between my brain and my mouth”. Don't forget to keep that guard up though, Kimberly!
All the modelettes are packed off to the wharf where they're frogmarched through a yard full of shipping containers. I'm hoping this is going to be some sort of live export challenge, where they're all packed into a box with only a jar of peanut butter for sustenance and sent on a 12 week sea journey to China – whoever emerges from the container at the end is the winner.
Suddenly Bros appears out of nowhere to tell them all that denim is “very on trend at the moment”, as opposed to the past six decades when no one's really paid much attention to it at all.
He informs them all their next photo shoot involves them hanging off the side of some scaffolding in a pair of jeans, which elicits the standard “OH MY GOURD” response from everyone, and a comment about faeces from Amanda.
“I pretty much pooed my pants,” says Amanda for what feels like the fifth time this season. I don't think this girl should be put anywhere near a new pair of jeans, to be honest, let alone hung off the side of a steel frame.
Bros then introduces them to their photographer and stylist, which appears to be a couple of blokes he's lured from the subway with a packet of Winnie Blues.
"So, when are we getting our ciggies?"
They still look cooler than him though.
"HAW HAW HAW."
Jeans photoshoot in a nutshell:
- Amanda manages to pull off some amazing shots, despite wearing extra absorbent Depends
- Sophie gets the shoot confused with Dawson's upcoming 1980s fancy dress party, turns up as one of the members of Bananarama
"Cos I'm guiltyyyyy, guilty as a girl can be - of heinous fashion crimes."
- Ashton surplants Claire as the girl most likely to haunt me in my nightmares, thanks to this face:
"Ahhh Monkey, but I am just a humble water spirit!"
- “I grew up on a sheep station, so I should be alright with this,” says Kimberly, whose family obviously ran one of those new-fangled scaffolding “sky-farms”
- Kelsey is criticised for not being able to climb about the scaffolding like the other girls because she's short. DID YOU HEAR THAT, EVERYONE, KELSEY IS SHORT. JUST CHECKING THAT YOU'RE AWARE OF THAT.
- Brittney conquers her fear of heights to climb to the top of the scaffolding. Meanwhile, all of Sydney turns to see what's just blocked out the sun.
And with that it's off to the elimination warehouse to meet the Shiralee, Judge Jezzy, Pezza and Dawson. I'd describe what they're all wearing but the combined glare from Alex Perry's head and Jez Smith's chest is too blinding to see. Joining them on the panel tonight is guest judge Bettina Liano, otherwise known as “the woman who gets a lot of media coverage for designing jeans for 'real women with real curves' but actually just sells size 28s with a bit of extra seam in the hip”.
Onto the picture bitch:
- Despite her continual references to soiling herself, Amanda is clearly the most gorgeous girl in the competition and should be declared the winner immediately.
- Megan manages to look like a starving Celine Dion escaping from three years in a denim concentration camp
"And I know that my heart will go onnnnnn SOMEONE GET ME A SANDWICH FOR GOD'S SAKE!"
- Chantal's slightly porno photo would never be used in a fashion magazine. It would, however, have a chance at getting a run in “Jeans Fanciers Monthly”, a specialist periodical for denim fetishists. So not all bad news, then.
- Kelsey is told she must learn how to make her legs look longer. BECAUSE SHE'S SHORT.
- Jessica the charisma free Tim Burton doll looks utterly amazing in her photo. I may have to review my policy in making Amanda the early winner. Damn.
- Ashton is told she has to “find her face”. Maybe it's off down the pub with Alison's torso.
- Kimberly is summed up rather succinctly by Pezza, who says: “She is so annoying, I actually just want to stab myself so it can all be over.” Things do not look good for a Kimberly win.
It comes down to Kimberly the Gold Coast bogan and Megan the... actually who is Megan? Not even the Shiralee seems to know. That's probably why she gets voted out.
“You've got a lot ahead of you,” says the Shiralee vaguely as Megan walks out the door, neglecting to finish her sentence with “just not in modelling”.
See you next week, molls!