Tonight's episode begins in customary style, with all the modelettes whinging about whoever it was that got kicked off last week and how shocking it was, especially because INSERT NAME HERE “tried so hard”.
How sweet. Clearly they're all still labouring under the illusion that the level of success one reaches as a model is dependent on the amount of effort one puts in, which is rather handy for the purposes of this show but doesn't appear to have any basis in fact. I mean sure, Kate Moss probably practised her walk and went to the gym once in a while, but only in between going on coke benders and having sex with Johnny Depp.
"I will totally get to practising my walk... after this line."
Sweethearts – all you have to do is be the best looking person there and you'll win. It's not rocket surgery.
Before we go any further I'd like to request that you each get a bottle of vodka and a shot glass – we're going to play a game this week. Any time you see a model with her eyes wide and her mouth agape at some shell-shocking piece of news (like “You're off of to London!” or “Jeans!”), take a shot. Anyone who gets through this episode and can still say “ANTM” at the end wins a hangover.
So back at model HQ - all of a sudden the door bursts open and in walks Josh Flinn, who's cleverly deflected attention from his true identity as the lost fourth member of Bros by disguisng himself as a member of 90s Australian band The Sharp.
“SCRATCH MY BAAAAAACK!"
All the modelettes shriek as they run down the hall to meet their pop idol, only to be completely disappointed when they discover it's just Josh.
But the crestfallen models are cheered up again when Bros announces they're going to spend the day “focusing on their hair”.
If only Danny were doing the same thing.
Lots of mouths agape here, better drink a pint.
“I was so nervous because I did not know what was going to happen,” says Sophie the Avon lady, who has clearly never seen an episode of any reality TV show ever and quite probably failed the section of her Year 1 maths test entitled “putting two and two together”.
YOU'RE GOING TO GET A HAIRCUT, YOU FUCKWIT.
“But first, we need to take some before and after shots,” says Bros.
First? You're going to take before AND after shots? First? Before the haircuts? Can you take an after shot before? PS: Drink.
Suddenly in walks last year's winner Tahnee Atkinson to demonstrate exactly what a “before” shot should look like:
Girl, have you heard of a comb?
OMG IT'S TAHNEE! DRINK!
Tahnee hands out a pack of advertising, sorry I mean facial wipes, and tells everyone to take their makeup off for the photo.
“Er makeup? I'm er, totally not wearing any makeup. See how my lips blend into my face? That's natural.”
With their faces now shinier than Alex Perry's freshly waxed skull, all the modelettes take turns in front of the camera while Tahnee flicks through a dictionary and reads out random words like “Authentic... natural... fresh...”, none of which seem to coincide with any of the poses the models are doing.
"YEAH MAN, OYM FARKIN AUTHENTIC AND FRESH AS SH**!"
Next thing you know they're all in a hair salon which Josh has booked as a thematically appropriate venue for the debut performance of The Sharp Reunion Tour, featuring Joh Bailey on double bass.
"This guy on my right? Yeah, I don't know him."
Actually they're just there to get haircuts. And you'd better take a drink, because it's Joh Bailey and shit.
Haircuts in a nutshell:
- One girl with long, messy hair is told she's getting a “big change” - long, messy hair.
- Joh tells Sophie she's got a mullet. I hope against hope that he will finish the sentence with “which is really on trend right now, so we're going to leave it like that” but he doesn't. Instead he pledges to change the colour and make it look less like a wig. This will not stop me, however, from referring to Sophie as “Sophie Avon Cyrus” from now on.
- Kimberley's hair is described as “Gold Coast”, which possibly means it is teeming with drunk school children and Japanese tourists. Fortunately Joh rinses it with pesticide and turns it into a short red bob, rendering it tourist-free and awesome at the same time.
- She's very attached to her hair,” says Bros of Sophie. Unlike all those other girls who take theirs off and put it on the bedpost at night, presumably.
- Sophie gets half a roll of alfoil stuck in her hair and still looks better than she did when she came in.
SOPHIE AVON CYRUS: BEYOND THUNDERDOME.
- Bros asks one of the nameless horde what she thinks of her "new look" while she is sitting in front of the mirror like this:
“You mean this is it?”
- Bros asks Sophie how she feels about going short. “I'm a bit over being short,” she says. “SO AM I!” shrieks Kelsey from the back room.
- Some girl called Joanna who I've never heard of gets her hair brushed, looks exactly the same as before.
- Brittney decides not to alter her style, instead opts for one of Alex Perry's new line of hair coats:
Back at model HQ Sophie wigs out – literally – chopping up what looks like a dead animal but is apparently a $300 blonde hairpiece and gluing it to her head in an effort to allay the effects of Joh Bailey's incredibly expensive designer haircut that millions of women would kill to have.
“The end result of this procedure is to have some blonde showing through in my hair that I can wear when we go out to a bar so I don't feel so effing ugly,” she says.
Yep, that'll do it. You can see the girl in the back totally agrees.
Everyone decides Sophie looks like a skunk and declares her “a nob”, except the only girl in the house who understands what it's like to have to give up your bleached tresses – Kimberley the Gold Coast bogan.
You've got a friend in me.
Not content to let her repertoire of impressions rest at “Billy Ray Cyrus” and “skunk”, Sophie gets on the phone to her mum to show off the other impersonation she's recently perfected, Jaimie from Summer Heights High.
“I don't feel HOT at all, I look in the mirror and I look fucking GROSS,” she blahs down the line.
No doubt Sophie's mother is dreadfully concerned at the news that her daughter's hotness level has decreased a few points, but she manages to console her enough that we can move onto the next act of this hour long tragedy.
Another Sarah Mail rocks up saying something about lightbulbs and quoting Lou Reed, and once again we're given the requisite 15 second montage of models saying “Who's Lou Reed” followed by “None of us knew what the message meant, we had NOY IDEA what to expect!”. OK, WE GET IT, THE MESSAGES ARE CRYPTIC, EVERYTHING'S A SHOCK, WHAT A MERRY RIDE YOU'RE ALL ON WITH AMAZING SURPRISES FROM WEEK TO WEEK, WE GET IT. And also that you're culturally ignorant, we get that too. And if you've got any vodka left, drink.
The girls are all ferried away to Circular Quay in the lime green cavalcade of the Apocalypse which unfortunately stops before it gets to the water, denying me the pleasure of finding out whether models sink or float.
“We walked into this massive warehouse with a big long catwalk, so we're thinking 'maybe it's catwalk',” says Amanda, justifying her recent win at the “Australia's Most Perceptive Awards 2010”.
As it turns out they're there to do something for some incredibly wanky sounding thing called the Vivid Festival, an event which Bros describes as celebrating “light, music and ideas”.
Then he tells them the festival has been curated by Lou Reed, and every single girl spontaneously wets her pants with excitement, despite still having no idea who Lou Reed is.
“OMG, LOU REED - HE WAS QUOTED IN A SARAH MAIL ONCE!"
Bros then tells them they'll be standing still in front of a light display for five hours while Lou Reed and 400 VIPs party below them, which I think is one of the torture techniques used at Abu Ghraib.
He also tells them they'll be wearing huge wigs during the challenge, which is really great because they've only just spent hours at Joh Bailey's salon getting brand new hairdos. Seriously, that is really great planning. Well done, producers.
Yeah, that looks awesome, just leave it like that.
Surprisingly, Sophie Avon Cyrus is the least excited about the idea, despite being very familiar with sticking scraggy pieces of hair to her head.
“Now I don't want any touching, scratching or fiddling...” says Bros, as a voice from the back shrieks “THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAID LAST NIGHT! YEEEOW!”
Bros throws back a curtain to reveal what is either Lady Gaga's “around the house” wardrobe or leftovers from the back room of the Red Venus Whips & Chains Club in Kilburn. The girls are enthralled.
All the modelettes are trussed up in perspex and leather and shoved out into the Vivid party where they are forced to stand in front of a light display and keep still for two hours. This is about as interesting as it sounds.
Ashton cements her reputation as the thinker of the group by announcing the hardest part of the standing-in-front-of-lights-and-not-moving challenge is “not moving”.
Actually as it turns out the hardest part of the challenge is trying to do an interview while not moving any part of your face, as Brittney and Amanda discover when some peanut with a microphone starts asking them questions half way through the challenge. Silly girls should ask Identity Dawson for some tips for next time, with all the Botox in her forehead she's an expert at that shit.
“I'm going to get kicked fair up the clacker at elimination,” says Amanda, continuing her theme of anal fascination.
ANAL FASCINATION - THE NEW SCENT BY AMANDA.
Kelsey wins the challenge, even though she's short. Good for Kelsey.
The other contestants' ploy to kill Kelsey only resulted in making her one inch taller.
Off to the photo shoot which this week is a “beauty shoot” - aka the cheap kind with no fashion or props.
“I need you girls to look completely graceful, elegant and effortless,” says the photographer.
“YEAH, NO WUCKERS MATE, CAN DO.”
In a nutshell:
- Despite being told they'll have “no fashion, no props, and nothing to hide behind” in the shoot the girls are dressed up in designer clothes and jewellery, slathered in makeup and given over the top hairstyles. So nice to see them doing something different.
- Bros spends all of Ashton's shoot bitching about how terrible she is, then welcomes her off set with a chirpy “Did you feel comfortable? Cool!”
- Amanda looks breathtakingly amazing and might as well win the whole competition right now.
- Joanna rolls herself up in a big white bandage, pulls a pained expression, wins the part of “Resurrected mummy 4” in the next Brendan Fraser film
- “My god, she can wink and look fabulous at the same time!” exclaims Harpers Bazaar fashionista Claow-dia, who we all obviously wrongfully assumed was hard to impress.
- Kelsey immediately becomes Claow-dia's favourite, although it's hard to tell why...
Spot the difference.
Meanwhile, for the first time in her life Kimberly is accused of thinking too much, a criticism which sends her off on a teary, nonsensical tirade that is now officially my favourite ANTM moment ever.
“If I have to dumb myself down for this competition then I'll just pack my bags now!” she yells, somewhat missing the point.
“I HATE dumb people,” she rails, before countering “I can have conversations with them, as long as they can communicate with me I'm fine with them.”
Case in point.
No one has a clue what she's on about except Bros, who appears to speak the same dialect of Crazy that she does.
“I understand what you mean, but there is a different inference between turning your brain off as opposed to overthinking,” he says, a sentence which contains so many errors I consider turning MY brain off just to cope with it.
And with that, it's off to the elimination warehouse where the Shiralee, Pezza, Judge Jezzy and Identity Dawson will all join their magical rings together to invoke the power of Captain Supermodel, who will descend from the heavens and strike down one of the contestants.
These rings were joined in a different way.
“You walk in, you see the judges and you go 'crap',” says Amanda as buzzers go off, confetti rains from the ceiling and a flashing neon sign drops down reading “CONGRATULATIONS AMANDA ON YOUR 100TH POO REFERENCE!”
The Shiralee announces the prizes which, judging by this shot, amounts to some tampons, a bit of spending money, an IKEA lamp and a dead potplant.
Joining the judges this week is Identity Dawson's evil twin sister, non-identity Dawson, aka the unblinking, unsmiling Modelbot 3000, otherwise known as Emma Balfour.
"I need your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle."
Time for the picture bitch:
- Dawson clearly confused elimination with Halloween, comes dressed as Amanda after a horror plastic surgery incident.
Sadly fails to make any poo jokes.
- Everyone wanks on about how much Kimberly's behaviour has improved since her haircut, as if Joh Bailey's red dye has magical anti-bogan powers, cleverly allowing them to keep her in the show for comedic value for at least another three weeks.
- The Shiralee tells Sophie Avon Cyrus her hair “desperately needed transforming”. Miraculously, Sophie fights the urge to shout a sentence involving the words “pot”, “kettle” and “black”.
I mean, really...
- Despite looking gorgeous during the shoot, Amanda in her photo looks rather like someone two miliseconds before having a cattleprod shoved up their bum
- Kelsey's photo looks like the cover of long lost Donna Summer best of album you bought for 20 cents at a church fete
- Jessica continues her campaign to be hired as an extra in the next Tim Burton film by looking like a corpse in her photo
- I decide Katherine looke like Juliette Lewis in Cape Fear:
In the end it comes down to Brittney the giant Barbie and Ashton the Eddie Izzard impersonator. Ultimately, just like Highlander, there can be only one. And just like in Highlander, one model must be garotted and decapitated so that the other can attain The Prize. Dawson starts sharpening the blade.
“You're taking small steps, but we need to see you take big steps and we're not sure that you can,” says the Shiralee to Brittney, seemingly forgetting that Brittney can traverse football ovals in a single bound because her legs are approximately 5 miles long. If anyone can take big steps, it's her.
“Ashton you're a beautiful girl but it's just not translating into your work,” says the Shiralee, which translates as “We all thought you were pretty, but now we realise you're not”.
Finally the giant Barbie is saved and Ashton is pushed out the door to meet up with her friends Monkey, Pigsy and Tripitaka and travel to Gandhara. They say it was in India, you know.
See you next week, kids!